resilience, it's lacking

 I am just so fed up, and I have lost the ability to roll with things.  I hope I get the ability back, because this sucks.

The guys who fixed my windows did a crap job at least on some level and they havent' even finished even though they insisted that they had.  I just sent a photo to the guy I pay asking him to do quality check for all sorts of things like they didn't prime or caulk or replace broken siding, and they smeared something weird at the top of the window frames that's going to look bad when it's painted (it looks honestly like concrete patch, so it's rough and grey).  That's just one window and I'm not climbing up a ladder.  I'm just so frustrated and tired.

Today I got really frustrated at work because they aren't hiring somebody else to do the work but instead expect me to be in numerous places simultaneously and get upset if I'm not.  I cannot work on your project when somebody else calls and demands I be in a meeting.  STOP PUTTING ME IN THE MIDDLE.  Sure, your request is entirely reasonable IF THAT'S ALL I WERE DOING.  I have to not carry this stress because it's not mine to possess - I need to shake it off and do only what I can without stress.  But it is ridiculous too because I'm being asked constantly to fix problems because these people are being stupid.  I have to make phone calls and figure out where something is because you can't use your email?  Why?  I have to tell you answers to questions that are your responsibility to know?  Why?  They are making three times as much money as I am and I'm having to answer to waaaay too many people.  This is stupid.  

So I came home and the dog was SUPER wound up and I told her to knock it off and she did.  Thank goodness, because I can't take more.  

And this is stupid.  I'm actually sleeping ok and not in excruciating pain at the moment.  I'm physically active.  My problems are minor compared to other people.  But I am being completely unreasonable and I can't handle the world and its frustrations. 

end of a long weekend

 Lots of early morning, like 4:30 am. Too much to do to stay in bed. 

My tenant finally asked me straight out, though couching it through her parents - "My parents are wondering if you're planning to get rid of the house, because the repairs are going so slowly." 

Ugh.  I know, I know.  It's all so slow, because I am a frail human with limits.  Friday was more bad news - rotted roof joists.  Like badly rotted.  Fortunately on the garages and not the house itself, and likely due to improper roofing (the pitch is not steep enough for shingles and metal is not fine for totally flat either, which were the two materials used).  To fix?  About $7,000.  At least.  Uuuggggghhhhh.  

And I got rather frustrated yesterday because I'm paying two men and most of the time one is watching the other.  Upon the discovery of the rot, I redirected them to doing a fence section.  Then I left for an hour, in which time they did nothing because they had a question for me (which I'd already answered, several times, and which the man I'm paying could have answered).  They moved a hundred rotted fenceboards into a very bad place (blocking access) which I then had to move.  Why am I paying them so much money?  And because I've done this myself before, I know that they were slow.  And when I asked one to put the fascia boards back up temporarily, he said he has to watch his son attach fence boards to ensure it's done properly.  Wait, what?  Ugh.  I was cranky and picked up debris. 

The good news is when I could finally let Ziggy out that she was beyond delighted, investigating and running laps and doing parkour.  So, I still have one bad fence section but I'm not super concerned about that one because my neighbor put up a new fence there recently on the other side.  So was it worth the hundreds of dollars I paid for them to put that up?  I guess?  I then discovered that they'd broken my sawhorses and I'm just really sick and tired of workers using my equipment because they never take care like I do of my own things.  And I thought that by paying a lot more that I wouldn't have to babysit so much, so I'm quite frustrated.  So we'll take a break.  Not too long because I need to keep moving and get done. 

I just mopped some of my floors for the first time in a very long time.  Filthy wash water.  It's just so hard to be motivated to do things like that when another mess is coming along.  I did quite a lot of food preparation, like ten jars of turkey stock, pickled mirliton, braised kale in a big pot to have with breakfast, goji berry scones, sourdough banana muffins, and various other things.  My cooking is good and I eat too much but it felt good to finally be in the groove again.

I called my faculty advisor to figure out next steps, and he was drunk and entertaining.  Essentially 26 minutes of him telling me how amazing I am.  He starts with smart and then he compares me to other people (you're smarter than me!  you're smarter than most people in academia!) and so on, and then he goes to how I'm a good cook, and on and on.  He works hard to coach people positively and ... it was just a lot because he was drunk.  He made clear what I need to do but I still just feel so stuck.  

I need help.  I need somebody to help me clean, somebody to take my truck to the shop to get oil changed and take me to work, somebody to cook healthy meals for me, somebody to help with gardening (of which I have much to do and did absolutely nothing), somebody to field some of these repair issues and estimates, somebody to keep me going if I have a bad reaction to the booster.  

But I have no help.  And I'm overwhelmed and obviously doing things poorly, but oh well.  Suck it up and keep going. 

it was a lovely Thanksgiving

 I went to the house of a former coworker and had a lovely time with her, her husband, and another friend of hers.  The food was good as was the company.  She's a very good hostess, as I knew her to be, and it was really nice to catch up which we've been trying to do for months.

They are also moving away soon.  Like my other friends, they have stayed here to care for elderly relatives, who have now passed away and they are free to move - the only question for all of us is to where.  

I realize now too that most of my favorite New Orleans people have left.  Many of the closest heart friends - they're gone.  I am always so thrilled when they come to visit, but they're not here.  And of course others have passed away.  This isn't the same place for me as in years past. 

It is possible to make friends with new people, but ... why.  Also, they are annoying - when I got back and had the time, I spent a lot more time with people and I like all those people a lot better when we spend less time together.  Road trips don't always bring out the best.  

Much about my leaving timeline will depend on the housing market - this house probably won't be very easy to sell because it's weird. But that's ok.  I knew 5hat when I bought it.  It's still a good house.  And there's a year and a half at least until I can leave (2 year ownership/occupancy tax rule).  Then we'll head west and Ziggy can snuggle with her auntie.  

I need to buckle down on some health things - more stretching, more movement, more vegetables.  I'm feeling the need from within so hopefully that will be he necessary pressure.  I've been missing the previous two places I worked where we would take walks to talk shop, and I could start that up where I am perhaps.  

So I am off work again today, in a delightful four day weekend.  It was kicked off with such a lovely day and the only bummer for the rest is that the carpenters will be here today and tomorrow.  They'll be in the way if I try to do work, and I have to keep the dog contained in the house because the gates are open.  Oh well.  I'll make the most of it.  And I woke up before 5 this morning so I may take the dog out for a walk shortly in the dark and hope for the best.  I have milk on the stovetop to make yogurt, and I may try to take my truck to the shop for oil change, and then I plan to can sweet potatoes.  Simmer collards, roast squash.  Clean the house.  Move a few plants I realized are misplaced.  Fill in some garden bed gaps, lay some mulch.  Maybe start some sourdough.  It's a chilly day which is perfect for me to work.  

It's going to be another good day, as days off work always are. 

a sunny Thanksgiving day

The hound and I went over to visit friends yesterday (work released us early).  Their dog was so happy to see us and he bounded around with joy, with the funniest little gallop, and Ziggy was good at first.  They were completely appropriate running around and doing things near each other, and it was a perfect day for us to sit outside in their little yard, with the only part missing was that Mr. friend had to go to do PT and Ziggy really loves him.  That lasted about an hour, and then she first looked out the gate where he'd gone to see if he'd be coming back, and then came to me and looked to convey "I'm ready to go."  I thought I'd have time to finish a leisurely conversation, but with her typical urgency she then started to melt down almost immediately.  When she's done, she's done, and off we went.  We were really only there to say hi and get her a break from the constant pounding on the house from carpenters, but we stopped along the way for a goat head she'll enjoy devouring today as her Thanksgiving treat (and ham hocks for me, that I'll cook a big pot of greens with - my backyard collards are looking very good), and then I stopped at a nursery and got a native mulberry tree to plant where the citrus are getting removed from.  The horticulturist was good and smart and I appreciated him, but it is not a native plant nursery and they had very little.  He did suggest crabapple tree but then it turns out the ones they have aren't local to here, and I wasn't sure how usable they were anyway.  When I was a kid spending summers in the midwest I remember being out on horseback and running into (literally - the horse was an asshole) a bunch of crabapples that I picked and took and my aunt said they were not useful and I was sad.  But I could probably figure out uses, like jelly, but I wanted to investigate first.  He also suggested yaupon holly which is lovely for birds but I need to look at it some more before deciding.  And honestly my front yard is getting pretty packed now, and I don't really want more bird luring into my backyard because they're starting to make my dog crazy.  The mulberries will be enough, though she will quite like all that the birds drop and she can eat.  

And now it's Thanksgiving, my favorite holiday, though of course fraught with unfaced historical atrocities.  I like it as a harvest festival, as a transitioning of seasons, of gathering with friends.  

Oh glad I looked up the yaupon holly - it's definitely not for me.  And to clarify, my yard isn't actually packed at all - it's quite sparse.  But the plants will fill in quite nicely I expect, and I can add as space allows, but I don't want to crowd out what I've planted now.  I have one more nursery to check out before I'm done for the season.  I am notoriously NOT a landscaper, but I'm ok with that. 

Sweet potatoes are in the oven, as I'll make a pie.  Potatoes just about ready to boil up for midwestern potato dairy casserole.  Laundry going, to hang on the line.  I want to do a thorough housecleaning, but it's very nice out today so I may do more yardwork instead until I head over to dinner at 2.  It's cutting up my day but that's fine - we'll be dining outside.  When going inside, my friend asks that we mask, and I know she has serious health issues with a transplant and such.  What I just learned is that 77% of the adult population of New Orleans is fully vaccinated, which is great.  I'm set to get a booster but a bit afraid of negative side effects and don't want to give up a weekend feeling crappy.  

Oh, what I was going to say - my friends we visited are thinking of moving away, and that has me even more serious about leaving myself.  They are probably my closest friends here (definitely Ziggy's closest friends) and we would really miss them.  So then I started looking up retirement communities where friends live and found a perfect one - in a mid-sized town, located right downtown near lots of things nearby, with independent living but also lots of activities, and dinner and brunch provided.  The price is great for all that and I could make that work sooner than later.  I am only in my mid-50s and have loads of time before I really NEED to move into a community like that, but I recall that my grandmother's very best years were spent in a place like that.  I remember the big house that she lived in, in a small town, and the decision to move to another part of the state to be in the same place as her daughter.  She refused to live with any of her children because she had cared for many years for her father in her home, and he was awful, and she didn't want to be that way.  She did get cranky as she aged, so she called that right.  But her best years (at least after her husband died, when I was a baby and don't remember) were those spent in a retirement community where she had her own apartment and friends all around.  It was fun to visit her there and I think something like that would be great for me someday.

But of course not yet and probably not for many years.  But I can think about the pleasures of it - dinner provided and not having to cook myself?  Sweet.  Weekly housecleaning?  A close community of people who have time to hang out?  That all sounds good to me.  I just feel overwhelmed now, with all my projects, and I understand the appeal of downsizing.  And I'm loving the idea of having less stuff.  I could minimize now, but the reality is that I use the things I have, so that would be stupid.  As I was saying to my friend, I have all these ladders which the carpenters are using, because it's necessary for all that needs to be done ... but how great it would be to live someplace where I don't have to have ladders because other people are wholly responsible.  

But not today.  Today I am cooking and cleaning and gardening and all that on my own.  So it goes.

diseased trees

 When I got back to New Orleans earlier this year one of the very first things I did was get five citrus trees and plant them at appropriate distance in my backyard.

And then it rained and rained and rained, and like everything else they suffered.  But looking to my gorgeous loquat which used to look sickly, I thought "Oh, they'll just get over it.  In five years I will have an abundance of citrus" and I'd get really excited about it.  Five year plan.  Leaving New Orleans sooner didn't appeal to me because I really wanted my food forest to blossom.

And now I learn that the trees have canker.  Which is not treatable, is highly contagious, and I need to just rip them out and destroy them, and because now the bacterium probably lives on other vegetation I can't replant anytime soon.  OH, and my pomegranate also looks to have a type of canker, and that poor tree isn't really happy in this wet climate anyway.

I am saddened.  This weekend will be sad destruction of trees, which I paid $200 for, so I'm really unhappy.  The guy I bought them from suggested copper fungicide; the ag agent said that doesn't do much.  the reality is if I were to any way cause this to infect the industry, I would not forgive myself, so I am taking the cautious step.

Now I need to find other food forest goodness that are more disease resistant and can handle our crazy weather.  I have a thriving loquat, a feijoa that doesn't produce (yet?), a blue java banana that is growing at a crazy fast rate, some elderberries that just will not be deterred, some turmeric I can probably harvest and save some for next year.  I have several garden beds filled with vegetables.  

Knowing that I cant have citrus or pomegranate anymore forces me to look to other options.  I'll get plantains from a friend.  But what else?  OH and my yard is so very very weedy.  I delight in all the different plants with flowers but other people are repulsed.

So, my food forest plans are for naught.  No more five year plan. 

decisions to make

 Seriously, this roofing salesguy is the best salesperson ever.  He just really sticks with me.

He called today with options other than what I want for shingle color.  I really want a light shingle to help with summer heat; they aren't available anywhere.  So he offers some shade darker greys and browns.  Definitely not brown because I'll be painting my house sea salt and gray, but ... do I let go of what I want for shingle color?  He says we can keep waiting if I want to.  I am also eager and who knows if and when these shingles will exist again.

This isn't my forever house.  I need to keep repeating that because the workers are making me crazy.  Things like not priming replacement window trim.  Not being careful around my brand new washing machine.  Not being finished already.  Writing on the windows.  Not using the right caulk.  Not being ready to do what we'd arranged and I left work early to do.  And so on and so on.  

And now I get to the point of I'll just fix the things I can do myself.  I can build a new gate.  I can repair the door.  I can repair my fence.  I can paint three rooms.  BUT I DON'T WANT TO.  I want somebody else to do all the things.  I work full-time and am trying to not be consumed with work.  I need a break from all the things. But I do not have confidence in these guys, especially not to make anything that i want to look nice.  

I have one more recommendation to try, a husband-wife couple.  They're not licensed so I didn't use them for the main stuff, but I might turn to them.  

The dog is doing remarkably well, being trapped inside all day while people pound on her windows.  We had a very bad day Saturday, and she's been sucking up to me ever since.  She can be the perfect dog when she sets her mind to it, which is nice.  So, maybe two more days of these guys stressing me out, and then the roof sometime soon for maybe two days of keeping her trapped inside, and then a heap of interior work, which I have not worked out yet.  Keep her locked in a bedroom for a week?  Sheesh.  This sucks.  And she's such an intense beast, I may live a little in fear of her moods.  And then painting, which can be three weeks, requiring access to backyard.  And gutters more of same.  Not sure how we'll get through all this.

Because there's always more, right?  Damage to the metal roof on the garage was found today, and I'll need someone to replace those sheets.  Fuck.  

this house

 Ugh, the workers have me stressed out, as I see some of their work is good but not always so.  the guy I contracted with isn't great with communication, like not telling me they would show up today, so when they arrived and I wasn't here, they left.  Which is fine, I'd rather they not be here on my weekends.  But I do very much want them to finish.  They do what workers do - leave their things around.  I picked up trash, I moved their things out of the way - it's just unpleasant.  I'm cutting short my list of things to do as I may go with somebody else for those things.  Some people do not stress me out as much.  

And of course, my house is not a nice house.  It's cheap and the opposite of fancy. 

But I need to remember to be grateful because this house gives me a lot.  I bought it at a good price and with apartment attached, so it's not expensive for me.  The second bedroom en suite makes it easy with guests or a roommate.  It's got lots of space to garden, and for the dog to run.  For laundry to dry in the line, for loquats to blossom.  

This house is good to me and I am lucky to have it. 

 Eight hours of sleep did not help.

What may have helped was a coworker dishing all the dirt, like how one of the big bosses kept making sexual innuendos at him and then fired him. 

Um .... what?  

No.  

Not ok.

(He is pretty cute.)

(I would have done him in my wild youth.  None of which will I ever say at work.)

He told me that my supervisor is messy.  When he thought I didn't understand that, he said "flat out evil."  Fuck.  I haven't seen evil yet, but I've heard lots of warnings.  She's nice to me, luring me in like a spider.  I knew this place was crazy before I started, but it's still tough to be in.

What should have helped with the carpenters here, but they only got four windows done because one of them does nothing.  The other one is nice and relieved I speak Spanish, but why bring along a bored young man who wants to just sit in the van all day?

I'm stressed, my dog is stressed.  It feels so invasive to have people working on my house like this, and especially when I have to go to work.  It's like I have a toothache.  I know I need to go to the dentist but I hate going to the dentist but I also hate my tooth hurting.  Yeah, that's where I am.

8 hours

 I think I slept all through the night for at least eight hours which is quite a rare treat.  Hopefully that helps me take on today.

The carpenter's people will arrive this morning to start on the windows - flashing and caulking and fixing them so they no longer leak, hopefully.  My tenant and I noticed immediately after Ida that the window caulking was all cracked inside, and some of my windows leak profusely when it rains - my theory has been that the very strong winds of the hurricane shook the windows and caused the seal to break.  Nobody knew what I was talking about but I just saw on a forum that public adjusters and lawyers have now recognized the issue.  I'll be charged around $2,000 for all the windows to be repaired probably (depends on if there are bigger issues), and I've submitted it to insurance but even if they don't cover it at all, this will definitely be worth paying.  They will also mark where to put the vents for bathroom fans, because houses like mine seem to always have fans venting into the attic which isn't great.  Hopefully they won't want to do much more yet because I'm not ready.  The carpenter called yesterday morning to ask if he could send guys right then and I need more heads up than that.  The roofer is still looking for my light-colored shingles.  I know there are supply issues.  Once the roof is done, the rest of the interior can be done, then exterior painting, then gutters, and then I can finish landscaping, and life will be so grand.  

It's a little hard to juggle this with work.  My direct supervisor is understanding as she's going through the same thing, but somebody else just bought a house and people in charge went off on her for not telling them she was away from work to sign at closing - even though they are rarely present and available.  It's hard to step away when we're on this on-call demand status at all times, and there's no possibility to work remotely, and both she and I have no leave time yet (and even those who do don't have much and it has to be requested weeks in advance and they expect you to still answer the phone even if taking leave).  It's ok right now for me, I'm just watching it to avoid making it a problem.  Somebody asked me to meet at 4:30 yesterday and I just firmly said "I leave at 4."  The difference in my wellbeing between usually getting off at 4 and at 5 is significant ... though I still want a life with a lot more flexibility.

It's Thursday, and tomorrow is payday and next week is Thanksgiving, so I'm feeling ok.  I really need to fix my fence (replace boards is all, I hope) because it's so rotted it's just disintegrating.  The biggest possum I've ever seen was on it last night and the dog went berserk and it's all just too sketchy.  But first are some landscaping and dissertation, and of course the neverending house cleaning and food prep and such.  I may not do anything for Thanksgiving - I need the day off for me and not for entertaining others and overeating.  The cooking for Thanksgiving is always time-consuming even if I'm just the guest, and store-bought prepared food is not good.  There are restaurants of course but we're still in a pandemic and I ate out a lot last weekend when my friend was here so I'm tapped out on that.   I do have sweet potatoes and local eggs and a heap of local pecans from a 4H fundraiser, so there may be a pecan crust sweet potato pie at some point, and some other seasonal dishes.  But we're still in weird pandemic times and I'm not ready for the full holiday socializing.  We'll have a feast at work the days before and that will probably be enough for me. I would like turkey carcasses to make soup and stock, but I'm not really into the meat.  The dog is though ... maybe I should get a turkey on sale or maybe just a chicken and use the meat for dog food and the meaty carcass for heaps of stock.  OK, liking this idea.  

OK, time to get ready for a day that will undoubtedly be stressful because of my high-strung dog.  

worse than I thought

 The longer I'm at this new job, the more dysfunctional I realize it is.  And not in a way I can stay separate from. 

They fire people willy nilly, break people's spirits.  It's awful.  They haven't really come for me yet but they're dragging me into drama.  There are so many rants but little work, and the people in charge are rarely there but they refuse to allow any flexibility to other people.  Petty fiefdoms at the worst. 

I, like many people in this country, am over office dynamics.  Having worked for nearly a year from home due to pandemic, I realize its benefits.  And I'm feeling about ready to be my own boss, after seeing a particularly egregiously aggressive micromanagement yesterday (and why am I being dragged into it?  I have nothing to do with this, it's entirely outside my job description to get involved with other departments for dressing downs).  

I could do things like textbook editing (something I saw on a show last night).  Or ... I'm sure there's all sorts of things I can do from home.  I just need to figure it out.  

But first I need to work where I am for at least about eight more months, to finish my student loans and to vest in a pension system.  I need to hold my nose and avoid the worst of the shit and not get fired.  

I don't mind working hard, though I would have to set up my life to not get all consumed by work.  But how wonderful it is to be able to take a minute in the middle of the day to take clothes from the line, to start sourdough.  And if I'm not using all my people energy on work drama, I could see friends again.  Do social things, get involved in the community.  

Who knows what the future holds.  But likely something good.  I just have to find it. 

ignorance would have been bliss

 Oof, I wish they had waited longer to pull me into the drama.  And by longer, I mean until never.  

One of the people in charge snapped at me by email when I was keeping him informed about progress on his wishes and when I tried to speak with him (because he had clearly misread both the words and the intention), he snapped more and said he would speak to me when he was ready - which was three days ago.  While honestly people snapping at me and being petty doesn't get under my skin much, what's become apparent as I've tried to make sense of this is how deep the dysfunction goes, including his substance abuse problem and sleeping with his employees and excessive absenteeism and cycle of abuse (snapping at people and then being very nice) and favoritism leading to inappropriate salaries for some and losing jobs for others.  I didn't really want to know all of this, but now I do.

And potentially more problematic is ... so, I got my raise.  They found funds from another pocket, and I'm not sure it's entirely ok to pay me from those funds.  Do I have a duty to dig into it to find out if it's allowable?  My BFF strongly urges me no, it is not my duty - it's on them, not me.  And I deposited the check of the retroactive payments, and I plan to use that money to buy the things I need to actually move into this space once repairs are done - rugs, storage armoires, possibly a couch that doesn't smell like cat urine.  And with the increased paychecks (it's a 21% increase), to start up retirement account savings again with all of that increase because I need the rest for living.  My salary is still significantly lower than the last salary I made in this state, and much lower than my last job, but this is better.  

I am kind of obsessed with finding a small town to move to someday, and I think I've found it. Unfortunately it's a five hour drive from New Orleans so not a convenient trip.  But I vividly recall this town when I drove into it, when I used to have to drive around the state for work.  Something struck me about it being different - I liked the layout and buildings, and I stopped at the farm supply store which I loved.  Somewhere I stopped I got some car trash bags - the kind that hook onto the cigarette lighter - showing the town's commitment to no litter. And I realized that's what had struck me.  New Orleans is so trashy - people throw their trash everywhere here and expect some magical trash fairies to just pick it up.  It's gross.  People will stop at a stop sign, open their car doors, and just drop trash on the street and drive away.  The guy delivering my washing machine threw his granola bar trash into my neighbor's yard and then more in the street - when I had an outstretched hand to put it into a garbage container that was right there.  That attitude is everywhere here and it makes me nuts - I don't mean to be virtue signaling here, it's not that I'm a better person, it's just my quirk.  

But so this little town with the commitment to no trash on the streets, it hit me positively.  And now I'm looking it up and see the demographics are very diverse, the community has fun events and really feels like a community, real estate prices are low (these are not fancy houses), and their crime rates are very low.  I've been thinking a lot about crime and violence here in New Orleans, wondering why we put up with living in such a dangerous place, and what the roots are.  

And then I remember who I am.  I cannot move to someplace and put down permanent roots.  I have still so much living to do, so many more places to be in.  I want to spend months with close friends in Australia and New Zealand, hanging out with their children.  I want to stay long-term with my best friend, because she is not that much younger than her mother when she died and I know all this is is temporary.  I want to do short-term work abroad again.  I want to volunteer at the border when there are crises.  I want to do some hard, dangerous work in remote communities for a couple of years.  I want to spend half a year on the coast, walking along the beaches every day - but I don't want to be there forever.  

When I came back to New Orleans, a friend I've known long said something about how I think new things are good but then I grow tired of them.  But it's not even that - it's that I don't believe in permanence for me.  I could never commit to marrying one person or living in one place or anything like that.  I mean, I've had my pickup for almost 20 years and that will undoubtedly be the longest close relationship of my life.  I don't enter any place or job or relationship ever expecting it to be forever - I don't do forever.  I do interesting.  I grasp the breadth of life.  Things that sound interesting, I just do them.  I'm curious about life on a refugee camp in Africa, so I quit my job and go.  Curious about my German and Russian heritage, I move to each of those places to get fluent and learn the place and people.  Curious about jobs I see on TV, I change careers and do them.  No wonder I'm fucking tired - I keep restarting.  But that's who I am, the woman with the insatiable curiosity and drive for hands-on experiences.  I know it's unusual, but it's who I am.  It doesn't mean the things that I leave are bad - I often miss people and places and jobs in the past.  It means that I moved on.  And it's fun when we loop back, as has been happening lately.  

A friend is coming tomorrow to visit and the timing is good - if I'm feeling better he'll lend a hand with projects, and it's forcing me to clean up the house at least a little.  A clean house always makes me eel better, but getting there can be hard. 

flareups

 How long do my pain flareups usually last?  I cannot remember.  They seem to go on forever.

the healer

 I braved traffic to go to a part of town I never do anymore.  I sat waiting, as I always have to, wondering if I could find a chiropractor over on my side of town.

But then I remembered that she's not just a chiropractor.  She's a fucking magician. 

I found her when I was in grad school, so about 15 years ago, and I've referred countless people to her.  We hardly talk.  I almost immediately stand up with my back to her and she touches me in a few places.  She immediately knows what is wrong and what is needed.  I lie on the table and she makes adjustments.  She says a little, just so that I understand.

Today, it's months of shoulder pain.  I wasn't able to attach bras for months.  It hurts to pet my dog, to open a door.  "It's the muscle.  That's easy for me," she said, as though upset that I wasn't challenging enough.  So I said it's also my feet, that I wore boots with ice spikes even though they hurt the tops of my feet.  "Contusion. We have to get those tissues reworking."

I like her answer better than "bone spurs and arthritis and nerve damage" from yesterday.  I've always like her answers because I know she's always right

After adjustment, we went to another room where she hooked me up with stim to activate tissues.  She said, "You know, I remember you."  I'm startled because she sees thousands of people and we never talk.  

I'll be back in a week.  Maybe another time after that because I'll see if she can help my hand pain, too.  

Her power is enormous

Tuesday

 Upon starting my job in post-storm crisis mode and then learning that upcoming holidays I'd expected were not in effect, I've been feeling a bit ground down.  Which sounds crazy for a job I've only had for two months, but honestly I still needed more time off after my last draining job.  I'd hoped to not have a regular office job again before the end of the year, but this job came along and it seemed a good fit.  And it is, despite wrinkles.  But I still pour all of myself in work, as I have always done, and have so little of me left over for the other pieces of life.  

And now with relaxation of COVID protocols, people are getting sick again.  Dude, if you have a cold, then you could have COVID.  I still mask religiously when anywhere near another person but I don't wash my hands every single time I touch something anymore.  And despite feeling like I'm in a well-ventilated space because of big windows, those windows don't open and I doubt we're well-ventilated.  

I need to bolster my immune system.  And also, the pain has returned, which makes moving uncomfortable at best.  But some of the pain is more than just my usual pain - the tops of my feet have hurt badly for a year since I had some boots with ice spikes that I wore despite hurting (because I figured it was better than the brain damage if my dog yanked me over on icy steep hills - good god I hated those icy steep hills so much).  And today I have an appointment with a podiatrist which will hopefully help.  And I have had pain in my right shoulder for ages as well as hand numbness - pinched nerve perhaps?  I've reached out to my long-time chiropractor and will hopefully get an appointment with her soon because she's a miracle worker.  Oh, I'll bring up the foot thing to her too.  It's not just pain it is also occasionally a weakness - I've almost gone down a few times recently because  my foot goes to ground and collapses - like the tissues and bones aren't going to hold it up anymore - and I've been able to grab the wall or door or somewhere to stand upright until I can get the foot to work right again.  It's a weird feeling, not pleasant. 

I'm in near constant pain and I've been dismissing it for ages - haven't had insurance since April so wasn't going to see a doctor, and before that I wasn't comfortable going to a doctor in a pandemic, and before that I was in a remote location without much medical offering.  So it's been a minute since I"ve been able to address these issues.  Maybe I'll get some relief now that I'm willing to throw some money and time at it.  Like today.  The fear of course is that there's something significantly wrong - I have a super high pain threshold and just keep going, with broken bones and all (as evidence of fractures in my ankles have revealed).  But hopefully these are easy things.  I like the idea of PT, but I've tried it a few times here and had very bad experiences, so I'm reluctant.  Of course, maybe things are better now.  And maybe there's somebody nearby.  I am absolutely loving how my neighborhood has been building up and more services are available nearby and I don't have to go further for what I need.  

The dog has been clingy and having a hard time when I'm gone all day.  She slept all night with me last night, which means that either I'm getting sicker than I realize or that she's chilly.  I'm thinking the second because at 5:30 she got up and growled at me to get up and then she curled back up in the bed.  Silly dog.  And now she's sitting across me, which is both for warmth and also to look out the front window.  It's about 62 degrees in the house now, a very comfortable temperature for me.  I've been sleeping much better lately, which I think is probably an indication that I just can't sleep when it's warm.  Unfortunately I cannot afford to cool my house down enough during summer for sleep, so hopefully the gradual warming next spring will help me adjust better.  

Oh, I just got email from my previous employer - I had applied for a position there before I started my current job, and she was letting me know that it was filled internally.  That was quite nice of her to let me know.  I may still want to return there someday so I'm glad that bridges haven't been burned.  Though, the more I think about it the less I want this Monday-Friday grind.  I'm so happy to take off today, and I'm in a job now that could not be more perfect for me.  Seriously, it's perfect.  Yet I still just don't want to work a full-time office job.  I want more life outside work, which is especially strong now that it's dark when I get home.  

***

So apparently I have significant arthritis in my feet and likely nerve damage.  Fuck.  

Also, I think I've found the small town for me. 

I just want to unpack

 It's pretty chilly and I wanted my fleece bathrobe to curl up in after my shower tonight.  I dug through bins to find it finally but then when I went to put it on realized that the tie didn't get packed with it.  

I've been here for six months and I have yet to do beyond the most basic of unpacking.  I feel completely unsettled BECAUSE I AM.  And I don't have space to unpack into because the house has little closet space, but do I buy armoires when my house is about to get new ceilings and such?  That would be stupid.  I would have to move those heavy fucking things and curse myself.  Much easier to keep everything in the trunks I came with.

I finally bought a new weedwhacker because mine sucked on so many level, and come to discover that it cannot tackle what needs to be done.  I don't think my front yard has been edged in over three years and it is awful.  It looks awful, it is awful.  The weeds are so fixed deep down and I cannot handle it. I made a pass when I first got back, it did nothing.  Tried again today, very little done.  I do not have the machine oomph or personal strength to do this, and when Im spending hours on tasks like this I can't be doing things like ... unpacking.  Getting plants in the ground.  Mulching.  Cooking dinner.  So many other things that I want to get a handle on BEFORE it becomes a huge problem like what I'm facing now.  I've tried a few times to get somebody to get the messy areas under control so then I can maintain, but after a few misfires with that, I give up.  It's so much energy to do all of this.  

I've been nostalgic for my home up north that I sold earlier this year because I was fully moved into that home.  I thought I was there for the long-term, didn't know my boss would show his true colors as a true asshole.  I loved my backyard, my neighbors, my electric car - and the sufficient closets and cabinets to unpack everything.  I was so cozy in that little house; it served me so well.  And so I miss it.

But do I miss it really?  Probably not.  What I miss is a sense of being at home.  Unpacking my stuff.  No renovations on the horizon that I can't do in a weekend by myself (not that I had weekends off, but in theory at least).  

If this house ever gets habitable again and I ever get to actually move into it, I will be sighing the deepest relief.  Just holding my breath in the meantime.

bad decisions

 I sometimes give myself a hard time about how I've handled myself financially over the years.  In my healthy adventurous youth, I decided to grab life while young instead of waiting until retirement.  I grew up in a tourist town where I saw countless elderly people teetering around, having saved their lives for this trip of a lifetime that they could hardly enjoy because of mobility and other health issues, and I didn't want to be them.  I didn't really think what old age would look like, and I would love to be retired now (though I'm only in my early 50s so I'm just greedy now).  So I would work, save money, then spend money taking extended time off to adventure.  Now that I understand compound interest, I sure wish I would have put even half of that saved money into an IRA.  I would be in a quite different situation now.  

But no regrets, not really.  My frugality and bit of ingenuity has still got me in a pretty good position.  I should be able to retire in my early or mid 60s, which is pretty good for somebody who has not worked consistently nor maximized earning capacity, and is kind of limping along now with health issues. 

But if I beat myself up, I need to remember my friend J.  We met professionally years back and he was a cranky old man who had a bit of a soft spot for me.  I was new to the field and all the old men were sweet and helpful to me when they could be. I realize now that I wasn't actually young but I felt that way, in my early 40s, and honestly I looked good (and made an effort, even wearing Spanx under nice dresses, with light makeup and jewelry; now I ... do not make an effort at all).  I was just looking him up again as we will be in touch next week and I wanted to remember which small town he commutes in from and his salary history for the past couple of years came up on-line (he switched into a different job, with the government, and many of those salaries are posted on-line).  He makes less now than I do, which I think is paltry (and which will be going up an expected 26%, retroactive for most of that), and he's in his mid-60s.  He has been through I think four bad divorces which would have destroyed any retirement earnings he had before, so I'm sure he's going to be working forever.  For a very smart man, he's been kind of dumb and he's burned other bridges.  (My former boss said after I left that J. got mean, but he remains kind to me.  We were last in touch a few years ago when a mutual friend died and he offered that I could stay with him to attend the funeral and even bring my dog, which is really a nice gesture, but I couldn't quite make it work out with work.)

I don't really compare myself to other people, he's just on my mind.  Maybe we'll reconnect in person again sometime.  I think he might be able to handle the crazy dog because his crankiness wouldn't deter her. 

magic penny

 I grew up in a progressive Methodist church, which has guided much of my striving for social justice.  One of the songs that sticks with me is "Magic Penny."  "Love's just like a magic penny, hold it tight and you won't have any, lend it, spend it and you'll have so many, they'll roll all over the floor."  OK, it's a stupid song that I never liked, but I still thought of it today.

Looking through my cupboards, I still have jam from two years ago.  Time to use it up, get those jars back into circulation with new jam soon.  So I took several jars over to friends who share a lot.  I forgot to ask for the jars back, but they'll make their way back to me.

And if they don't, no big deal.  Because a total stranger just dropped off a box of jars for me.  Including a number of Oui jars which are perfect for jams and jellies and such (just need to order small Weck lids) and other mason jars including a couple funky sized that I have to figure out how to best use.  

What a fucking delight.  I share, others share.  And the glass gets reused instead of in the landfill.  

That's a good day right there.

patronage system

 This city is not a system based on having the most competent people in roles.  It's nearly purely a patronage system.  Entire shuffling of systems happens with each regime change, whether government or organization.  And so the negative of this is that there are incredibly incompetent people in important roles and our city doesn't really function properly.  Our water system, garbage system, electrical system - they all shut down so easily and barely work when running. And so many other systems.

But what does work is patronage, as I was reminded today.  Two important people looking out for me literally fed me today and gave me a substantial raise, making it work even when it can't work.  It's not fraud, it's an above board shuffling around of funds, but it's still a favor.  And i was reminded of what is expected of me - loyalty and favors not yet defined.  "You know I'll look out for you," said my new patroness.  

OK, now I know.  

I didn't grow up in a system like this, not at all. I believed the myth of the meritocracy.  But I fell in love with this place and have learned its ways.  

I don't have any idea why I'm successful here.  I don't walk any walk or talk any talk.  I will never go shady on ethics, at all.  But I do make people look good - I stay behind the scenes and make things work that they can't do.  I'm a little bit superhuman in my execution, how I can juggle so many things and make it all work.  It's how I survive. Because the people I make look good in turn look out for me. 

five week nightmares

 Was texting with a pal last night about Ida and I realized the nightmares haven't come for me in a minute.  It was about five weeks of regular nightmares that would jolt me awake to rush out to stop water from pouring into my house again.  But now that's over.  Until the next time.  Or for a recurrence.  This is good to know because it felt like it would never end.  

I contracted to get my roof done.  They think they can do it as soon as next week.  I need to follow up again with the carpenter for the interior work and then with the painter, and focus on the things that I have to personally.  My helpful midwestern friend is coming into town next week so maybe we'll get some things done.  I see more spots in the back fence where the dog has broken the rotted wood - she likes to bodyslam it and watch it sliver.  I can't blame her. 

It's Friday and this week has been intense.  There is a lot on my plate at work.  I stayed late yesterday to finish something but I need to not fall into that trap.  

A nice weekend is ahead. 

current assessment

 "I am so grateful for you.  You are such a blessing for us."  -My direct supervisor today

We'll see how this plays out. I am definitely not everyone's flavor, and I have been rather ... commanding.  My professional experience qualifies me to act that way, and I frankly DGAF how things have always been done if they are currently being done wrong.  I also jumped into an excited shouting match and held my own, which shocked the other people involved.  I'm not an entirely typical white woman, and there are racial dynamics involved in everything.  And before anyone thinks that it's unprofessional to jump into shouting matches at work, I would just say that in a previous job in another country with a culture somewhat similar to here, I was beloved for my ability to hold my own in a shouting match.  Not just for that, but for my attitude in general that I wasn't better than or distant from locals.  My coworker was widely despised because she always stayed calm and they found her untrustworthy (she's actually great but nobody would believe me, and her health suffered from holding all her emotions in).  

I just am who I am and I am way past the time in my life where I am willing to modify my behavior for anyone.  I don't try to be a selfish asshole, but i mean the other things so often demanded in our workforce, like not speaking up or trying to make myself small.  I am not small, physically or mentally, and people are often intimidated or repulsed by me - about which I do not give a fuck.  I am a force of nature, for good and bad.  I will speak the truth to power and correct their mistakes, which means it takes people of significant ego to appreciate me.  And not everyone will like me but if they are smart they will recognize my usefulness. 

I am also hoping to be nearing the end of my professional career so I don't really give a fuck about a lot of things.  If I stayed in this job for another 5.5 years and then worked about two years back in a high-pay job and/or worked at least part-time for more years, that could be a reality.  That is of course a really long time for me and my peripatetic ways, but I was crunching numbers.  I do quite like my current health insurance - they just completely covered an extensive battery of medical tests.  And it's nice to be in a place with some good experts like a cardiologist if my heart issues pop up again (they haven't; indeed, leaving my last job may have saved my life - which is exactly how it felt then, and time is confirming).  But if I need to leave this job, I will find another.  That is always true for me.  Things are good now but I'm only a couple of months in.  We'll see how it goes.  

 

burning pocket holes

 I remember hearing the saying "money burns a hole in his pocket" and visualizing it to make sense of it.

And now I feel like I'm living it.  Not feeling completely broke, I'm buying things I've been wanting for ages.  Finally found a bike I like ok for commuting, did a test ride last week and it was ok, negotiated with sales manager for a good price for me for shipping in a color I like better ... today I go in and turns out they already have it in that color in the storage.  NOt sure why two guys couldn't find it, but they couldn't, which is good news for me because it's a little cheaper and much faster.  So I'll get it today hopefully.  This is the kind of thing I'd get used but bikes here are always rusty unless they're expensive, and paying for a tune up and repairs adds up fast since I don't do it all for myself anymore.  Getting a new bike with free tuneup for a year for $380 is a pretty good deal.  Just need to get a helmet that is ponytail friendly.

And I think I finally have a phone to get.  My screen is shattered and anytime I try to use it for phone I'm sure I get glass in my ear.  Good sales at Best Buy can get me a good phone for $170.  Again, i would like used but there are quality concerns buying from a random online seller.  

Hopefully the raise comes through soon, but the person in charge of that is not motivated.  She doesn't understand the importance of what I do and how I do it so well and she's too focused on her own personal gain. 

OK, I need to get repairs nailed down.  Then when that's all done I can actually move in. Rugs.  Cupboards.  Hang the clock on the wall, get the new light fixture up, put away all the repair supplies.  Everything will be so much better when I dont' feel like I'm living in a construction zone and when water isn't running into my house. 

Living takes money and there are limits to my frugality when it impacts quality of life.  

could these stars really be aligning

 Within 24 hours I received an acceptable quote for roofing AND an acceptable quote for everything else.  Well, after I remove $7,000 of that work which I'll do myself for much less.  But all the rest is good. The roofers added every single one of my demands, and as soon as I give them a large check we'll be waiting for my special shingles to come in.  (They're not really special, they're just the lightest colored GAF HDZ, warrantied to 130 mph or more, since I got them to agree to six nails per every shingle.) 

Hopefully my windows will be fixed soon and the days of water running inside my house will be over, and rotted fascia replaced.  And then my roof.  And then my ceilings and everything else.  And then I'll get the house painted, and then gutters.  And it will be so delightful, especially once I get the yard done.  I will be coming home to a peaceful place that I enjoy, rather than a ragged ugliest house in town that needs so much work it's really embarrassing to let anybody see and really drags me down every damn day.  Oh, and then I can finally decorate.  Rugs.  Storage.  Maybe a new couch that doesn't smell like cat urine? Fix the window screens that are very very tattered and make the house look haunted.

Oh fuck, of course I just got a spoon stuck in my garbage disposal.  Because it's always something for me. 

hella leftover proud

 This morning I got up early enough to make a frittata for breakfast with leftover pasta and cabbage and yard eggs.  Good protein to start the day (and share with the dog) and I always like getting vegetables with breakfast.  Especially important as I have to skip lunch today.  First time I'm making a single serving frittata and it's pretty great (would be enough for two with side dishes). 

And then I also took the fish that I cooked yesterday (overcooked, as usual) and mixed it up with oats and egg and dill and milk to make fish cakes.  They'll be ready to fry up when I get home.  I'll eat them with the leftover squash wild rice salad I made yesterday.  Boom.

Life is so good when I have the energy to more than survive at a very basic level.  My health issues make me unable to move so often that when I'm not suffering a flareup I have to fully enjoy it.

OK off to work.  Hopefully it's a good day.  Then I may buy a bike.