connections

 Yesterday I watched the movie Tetris, and I found it engaging in large part because I lived in Russia in 1992, which was shortly after those events.  While the Soviet Union was no longer in existence technically, there were so many similarities.  It was definitely nostalgic for me.

I was trying to recall the airport, but the I remembered that I didn't leave that way - I left by train.  I'd only bought a one-way ticket, and when I decided to leave (there was a lot of drama involving the "school" falling apart because of fraud, and I somehow became responsible for much more than I wanted to be, plus the people I was socializing with were not healthy at all and the vodka wasn't doing me good) the easiest way to go was by train.  I guess.  I'd ridden the train a fair amount (to St. Petersburg to visit friends mostly) so it was really easy for me to just go to the train station and get a ticket.  

I was really sick at that point.  Maybe from all the heavy drinking or maybe I caught something, but I just remember being really sick.  If I recall, it was days long and I was feverish and in pain. I had a kilo of gooseberries to eat for some reason and a bottle of water and a gross compartment mate (he was really disgusting - sexist and smoked cheap cigarettes). 

I got to Berlin and I was past the worst.  I'd lived in Berlin before so I made my way around and actually reunited with the family I'd been a nanny for.  I went on the walk I used to take and their friends saw me through their fence and called out to me.  they called the family, and before the boys could rush over on their bikes, they told me that the year with me there was the happiest memory that the boys had.  They were so happy to see me, it was a lot of fun.  (The youngest is now a stand-up comedian who has a book out with some childhood memories and I want to get it and see if I appear at all.)

But I still wasn't feeling well and didn't quite know what to do.  So I called an ex-boyfriend who was then living in Hamburg and he said I could go there, and I did, and he took me to a pharmacy where I told my symptoms and they gave me an herbal remedy that made me so much better.  It was Uva-Ursi, I vividly remember.  And we had passionate sex and explored Hamburg together and me on my own when he worked and it was a great time, and I once again left him.  (He's now happily partnered with a child and a professor in London doing high level research.)

That was all three decades ago.  So many lifetimes ago.

And now I'm in the Pacific Northwest considering what to plant as a groundcover on the curbstrip and I'm advised about kinnikinnick.  Arctostaphylos uva-ursi.  The very same uva ursi that cured me 31 years ago.

All the loose ends tuck in together at some point. 

spring in the air

 Spring sunshine has FINALLY arrived, and everything is growing now.  Gardening is so exciting.  Even Friend is excited at last - for somebody who put in extensive vegetable beds, she's never really grown much.  I should be able to harvest some baby green for a salad soon.  So much good stuff growing out there.

And I'm itching to get into my new house of course.  I met the plumber yesterday and he showed me the sewer issue, and it will be a pretty simple fix because of location - total replacement of the sewer line which is made of asbestos tarpaper (Orangeburg pipe).  It'll probably be about $4K with permits but that's not too bad with the seller paying almost half, and I could line it up to just get it done right away.  The plumber - who gently saved bees from drowning in the water meter as he gave me good advice - was averse to my "take out the trees!" move and pointed out that the rootball sewer clog is because of the weakening of pipes past life expectancy, but new pipes will eliminate that problem and I don't have to remove any trees.  So, that's cool.  

We're scheduled to close in two weeks from yesterday and I have initial approval from the underwriter and appraisal is due mid-next week.  That underwriting approval could have been done weeks ago if the mortgage company weren't so disorganized, but it's a good rate and I don't have to deal with them for long.  I"d like to close earlier but I'm not sure that seller will be ok with that afterwards - he asked if I wanted to rent space in the garage for his boat trailer that he put everything on and I said no.  I'm glad we keep running into each other to sort these things out.  

Once I move in, I'll get electrical panel upgraded with some other electrical work, get the sewer line replaced, get garage wall repairs and painting done, and ductless heating/air installed.  Along the same timeline I'll be doing my things like figuring out window coverings, replacing doorknobs, fixing any fence weak spots, installing gate locks, etc.  I'll be paying close attention to sunlight and drainage, as well as what plants are where.  I'll be heartless with removing things now, before I get emotionally attached.  I want to find out about fence setbacks so I can see about opening up the yard even more for me in a compound kind of way that allows me to spend more time with the dog (if I'm not gardening outside the fence).  I'm so ready to put in so much food - from an asparagus bed to rows of berries.  Raspberries, blueberries, tayberries - those are no-brainers.  There may be others to learn about.  I want numerous garden beds and I'll pay to do them right with thick cedar boards and planting mix blown in.  I'm doing a lot of investing at first because then I can slide back into my frugal ways.  I want to grow so much of my own food, and while I normally refuse to coddle plants, I will probably set up the beds in a way that I can keep them warm to extend seasons.  Of course I'll also freeze and can a lot as well, as I do.  The joy of opening my freezer for a bag of kale frozen from my garden - how easy that is to prepare to eat - it's hard to rival.  

And of course I want to share.  That's a big part of my plans.  There is so much food insecurity here, so much homelessness.  I want to do my part. 

I wont' be able to afford the ADU right away and that is fine.  I toy with fencing the area - about 30x30 - and keeping chickens there.  Their own yard, away from the Catahooligan.  Or maybe putting garden beds in there, knowing I'll need to move them to build.  

I'm also excited for the inside of the house and all the closets.  My last house was very short on closet space, so I'm very excited.  There is a front door closet, a closet in each bedroom, a linen closet, storage cabinets in the mudroom and shop.  So much storage!  No, I don't have nearly enough stuff to fill these closets, but I like the option because I like to save things for repurposing and that requires space.  Like jars.  

I'm excited to have space to work from home!  I think I'll use the smallest bedroom for my bedroom/clothes.  I'll use the medium bedroom for guest room or possibly rent out, and the largest will be my office and recreational space - to quilt, to exercise.  No need for the nice big room for sleeping in.  

OK, I should shower and dig into this day.  I love days off.

My hope is to move into the house over Memorial Day.  That's really pushing it, but maybe I can make it work.  I just want all the work done BEFORE we move in, to avoid dog drama. 

gentle timing

 I apologized to the landscape designer that I hadn't called when I said I would.  His reply was to not worry about promptness, that we will talk when the time is right.

I loved that.  It felt so freeing.  And so I haven't called him yet.

There's a massive sewer clog and an uprooted sidewalk that the city's requiring be repaired immediately.  These tree roots are trouble.  I think it's the massive sweet gum for the sewer but the seller thinks it's the lilac.  We met there today, inadvertently.  I decided to do a drive by and he came back.  And we walked around and talked more.  

I know that this is a good house for me, and I know that this is an excellent job and life for me, but i can't help but feel unsettled. I just need 59 more months really, and if by then I want to stay I'll work until the house is paid off.  Stay here?  I feel kind of trapped, tbh.  

If we close on the house on time (the seller got a little panicked when I mentioned earlier and then asked if I'd rent out garage space for his boat trailer filled with his crap, and I politely declined after I laughed), projects include electrical upgrades, replace sewer main, install ductless heating/AC, painting with some repairs, fence repairs, furniture.  I think that's all I have to do before moving in?  So that's not that bad.  Work will be busy then which will slow me down on getting quotes but I would still hopefully be moved in by mid-June.  I'm so looking forward to having space to work from home.  

I"m just like one of those tops that has to keep moving or falls over.  I can be still in the moment but not in life at large - I like to be striving for what's next.  And so now I'm striving for retirement but that makes me wonder what comes after that.  I still don't really have a retirement plan.  

The seller of the house told me they were living with his wife's mother and her monthly income with social security and retirement was five grand so they were all living well, but now that's stopped so they want to sell this house that's sat empty for two years.  HOnestly I think that to withhold housing in a town that is so short of housing is a sin, but that's not my issue to worry about.  But it made me think about retirement income.  Also of course - who will take care of me like they did her mom?  How do we childless people best plan for end of life?  I have godsons and fake nieces and younger friends who think they'll step up but I do not plan to rely on them.  

Maybe that's a reason for feeling unmoored is that retirement comes before death and while I used to be fine with the thought of death, I am unsettled by it lately.  

ONto the more mundane, I really should be biking to work today but it's still cold out this morning and I wish I'd brought my work laptop home so I could work here a bit this morning and then bike in at lunchtime.  Maybe I'll do that tomorrow.  I can't believe how easy this life is in many ways. 

tracking

 Friend and I have decided to join Weight Watchers.  We both should lose weight and I get it for free with my health insurance and she gets a good discount.  

It can't hurt.  The only problem I've had is that it doesn't really work for me after awhile and I get frustrated with that.  Friend goes pretty hardcore at first and she's a major yoyo dieter.

But the other thing is that I'd like to figure out my GI problems.  Sometimes I'm fine and other times I have aggressive gas and/or urgent diarrhea.  I cannot figure out what all the triggers are (though too much fat like cheese is a problem, I can't eat eggs in the morning, and I generally avoid fried foods anyway) and if I precisely track everything then maybe I'll figure thing out.  Though unfortunately vegetables seem to be a regular issue, especially salads when eaten out.  Maybe there's a cleanliness issue and I'm hypersensitive?  I don't know.  But I would like to not have to stress about this issue.  

So yeah, we'll see how this goes. 

these days

 I love SO MUCH that I am not working on the weekends.  No important meetings on holidays and weekends that I am required to take, plus no on-call with middle of the night calls.  

My coworkers are very responsive during the workday, and then they shut down.  I emailed somebody a few hours ago and I've heard nothing back.

It's fucking fabulous.  

I cannot even express how important this is to me.  In that job two ago or so, to hire me without telling me about the 24/7 on call and weekend work requirements - that was insane.  I can't believe I stayed as long as I did.  Well, pandemic did that, I guess.

But this is SO. MUCH. BETTER.

Better in almost every way.  The only way it's not better is that I have to dress up more and drive more.  But I will try workarounds - I keep dressing down more to see how far I can go.  And I will see if I can bike to the various meetings.  the weather is FINALLY turning better and I plan to bike often to work and we'll see how it goes.

PLUS, I can work from home more than half the time.  It's a key motivation to getting my own place, having a setup that lets me do that.  TEchnically I'm supposed to be in the office two days a week, but I don't see most people actually doing that, including my boss.  It's fine for me now to be in the office almost every day, but long-term it will be so nice to have at-home options. 

Oh, and did I mention that the pay is higher?  Yes, yes it is.  Considerably more.  

I think it speaks volumes that 25% of my coworkers are pregnant.  That means that I work in an environment where people can have babies without losing their jobs or minds.  I joked about getting in-office childcare for all these arriving babies, but that would actually be really cool and the moms were like YES, YES, YES.  

i feel like I have finally "arrived" to sanity in many ways.  The work itself - the technical aspects of it are great for me.  The substance?  Well, that will bother me quite a bit.  It is what it is.  No surprise there.  No bait and switch like other jobs.  

I may actually go in to the office today, if the bike ride is too far and I need a break.  And that's the only good reason to work on weekends!  

that guy

 That guy that I met shortly after I arrived here keeps texting asking if I'll join him for tea or a walk (or "whatever else you would like to do"). 

Maybe I'm funny about this, but those are two things that I do with close friends.  People I already have strong relationships with and with whom I want to spend time.  Not strangers.  Also, I don't like tea. 

After punting several times, I finally said that what I'm actually interested in are community events and I can meet him at things.  Then he sent me a link to something today which actually sounds fun, and I responded with what time I want to be there for, and he texted back asking me how long in advance I think we need to arrive.

DUDE.

You have spent many decades in this place.  Never anywhere else as an adult.  You suggested the activity.  WHY THE FUCK are you asking me something like this.  

And I think the reason is that he spent many many years married to a woman and now she has left him and he is completely lost because he doesn't know how to be an individual.  And frankly I can't think of anything less attractive to me.  The idea that I would have to mother a grown-ass man is horrifying.  And I think he's hiding behind respect and deference to just avoid having to do any heavy lifting, expend any emotional labor.  He's already tried to put his things onto me (heavily oversharing) and I am teflon. 

I'm planning to go and I'll see if any of my other friends want to go. This is not a date.  We will not be dating.  At least not until he grows the fuck up.  

And fuck tea.  Seriously.  

This is a day for me, a Saturday.  I have started yogurt and I'll start sourdough bread to bake tomorrow.  Walked to the milk store for yogurt milk and to a bakery for a morning glory muffin and will need to walk to the Asian market and supermarket at some point.  I am planning a dish for a potluck next week and the challenges are stumping me - for a diabetic so no sweetener, and for possibly a vegan or at least vegetarian.  I have a couple of hearty salads on my mind I like but they have hints of animal products (fish sauce or mayo or chicken broth) so I need more information.  Midway through laundry.  Checked the garden, picked up dog poop.  Did not walk the dog despite her most ardent wishes because I do not have it in me to handle her aggression today, and we'll go early tomorrow away from the world.  Might try to bike to this event even though it's pretty far away - beyond what I usually bike.  

What I do not have time or energy for is a man who puts any demands on me.  I have a dog for that.  

And it's going to be a good day. 

that thing

 He didn't mean to be a jerk, but he assumed I didn't know what we were talking about.  

And so I let him talk.  

And then I talked.  And I told him how to frame a resolution.  

And he did what I said, and it worked.  

She who has been trying forever to get this done said, "YOU ARE A ROCKSTAR.  Where have you been all my life?"  

I'm here now, and I am very good at aspects of my job.  Not all of it - I still have much to learn, and certain bits will just never be something I'm great at.  But the specific mechanics of making a certain aspect easier for everyone?  At that, I excel.   

I"m approaching one month of working there.  IT's easier to countdown 60 months of needing to work than it is 5,000 days (4,972 now).  Because I may enjoy working and the power rush and the paycheck, but I would also very much like not having to go to a job every day.  

godsons

 I finally made the drive to go see my good friends, and I'm so glad I did.  I meant to go earlier but it was always problematic to schedule, so today I just woke up and decided to test out the new car and so off I went.  

They were all so happy to see me, and I think that just spending a few hours together made it even better.  Everybody stopped what they were doing and we gathered around.  They left their feuds behind (I was warned there had been angry fighting) and everyone was on best behavior and engaged.  They're past the difficult teen years, the sullenness.  We just talk like people now.  It's delightful.

The youngest who is about 19 said, "All my classes are on-line, so I'll come down for a couple of weeks.  Ill assemble all the furniture and help you out, do the cooking.  I just need internet and I'm good to go. Deal?"  

Six years ago, his older brother came and spent a month with me in New Orleans.  He was depressed and spent a lot of time sleeping, but he apparently has wonderful memories of the time and speaks of it often.  Today he sprung on me that his favorite food there was the Cuban food - which was just an impromptu gathering one night with my good friend and her parents who are Cuban.  I don't recall anything about the food, I just know that her mom makes the best Cuban coffee anywhere and I cajoled the godson to try it.  He loved it so much that he's been researching how to make it.  That that moment was so important to him is interesting.  I'm glad he has the memories.

And the younger brother wants the memories too.  He was scheduled to come spend Thanksgiving with me last year but he dropped out of college because of racism by people in positions of power over him.  I was worried about him but he actually seems fine.  He recognized it wasn't ok and he wasn't going to put up with it.  

So yeah, totally worth the drive.  Hope to see them all again soon. 

inspections

 Got inspection on the house and I think the inspector fell in love with it.  "IT'S ALL SO SOLID!" he kept exclaiming.

There is a reason that I lean toward houses built in the 50s.  They're often more affordable, during the GI Bill rush and booming economy and all that.  But they were also built very solidly, and this house is definitely that.  "YOU COULD LAND A HELICOPTER ON THE ROOF, THE DECKING IS SO SOLID!"

I wasn't crazy about the inspection, honestly.  Seemed too superficial, he had too little to say.  But when I pushed, maybe it wasn't really that way.  Like, he checked every single outlet and every single light and only one didn't work, which could be missing a bulb.  So there's nothing to say except everything works.

He agreed I need to upgrade the electrical panel and finagle some GFI and ground-like protection with the ungrounded outlets.  He agreed it's a perfect house to install ductless heat/AC. He did advise a sewer scope (from someone else) because when he ran every single water user, the second shower backed up, so we'll do that.  For a 70 year old house, this is entirely to be expected. 

All appliances work but are old - the refrigerator is from 1991 I think the report said.  That's crazy!  

Being there makes me want to lean into the mid-century modern aesthetic.  The blond honey wood floors make me giddy with delight, and everything being old but solid makes that seem the best route to take.  

So I'm definitely moving forward.  Oh, and I met the seller and he's best friends with my boss's husband.  He seems solid and ethical, unlike the guy with my last house in New Orleans who hired someone to bondo rotted fascia.  (Because this is a hip roof, all the fascia looks perfect.)  He spilled the neighborhood dirt and lots of personal details about my boss (none bad, just very personal like her husband's medical diagnosis).  He is all about bees so planted a lot of pollinator plants for year-round food for bees.  (He has hives, as does my boss.  Recently I've gotten a lot more interested in native bees than feeding honey bees, but I didn't go into that.)  He had looked me up and made that connection, and I think that's probably why he accepted my offer on the house. 

I'm so worked up that I want to start furniture shopping!   

Also the mortgage lender advised paying some less down - that paying any more won't benefit my loan rate or anything, which is actually cool.  I can do all the things - before even moving in I can upgrade electrical, install heating/AC, and get a professional to paint (Friend recommended a guy that seems great).  I can get some plumbing and drainage issues in the yard sorted.  I can also start off the bat with permaculture designer.  It'll not be good season to do much planting but I can start the planning.  And I should still have money left to save to for building a little house on the corner of the property as a rental.  Realtor says that would increase my property value about $100K, and I think I can build for about $125K (rough guess), so putting it in sooner than later increases my ROI.  Maybe in a year or two.  I'd love to save for it and not borrow, and once it's in and I'm getting rent I can aggressively pay off my house.  

I got a pretty good mortgage rate, though if rates go back down to 4% I'd refinance which would make it even easier to pay down the house. 

The extra house though isn't really about ROI or maximizing profits - it's about providing affordable housing and building community.  It's a spot where a sweet gum tree provides sweet shade, but it keeps falling over and it needs to be removed before it topples on mine or neighbor's roof.  (And we've got a good tree guy.)  So this big spot - like 30'x40' - is perfect to build on.  And it doesn't take away from the yard.  Maybe I'll change my mind and just build out the yard instead, give the Catahooligan more room to run.  But I think she'll be fine with the way it is.  It seems big enough for her.  

I love my dog, and I also look forward to the day she is not longer a key factor in every life equation.  She acts like a puppy still - there is no sign of aging and she has to be over eight years old.  I've had her seven and a half years.  

So yeah, this is all very exciting.  I plan to spend a lot of money for the next few months, investments to last a long time to improve the quality of my life, and then I'll go back into my usual frugal mode.  Buckle down to reduce expenses so I can save money and pay down my mortgage.  I don't plan to retire until that's paid off and I've doubled my retirement savings, and I REALLY WANT TO RETIRE.  

the house!

 The house I really wanted, the one on bike trails near work, will (hopefully) be mine!  It's dated, no upgrades likely since the 80s or so, but it has good bones and beautiful wood floors.  It's perfectly liveable as it is, though I'll probably upgrade electrical and put in ductless heating/AC before I move in. 

They accepted my offer as the strongest, not even requiring the escalation clause to take effect, so at the budget price I'd hoped.  It's still expensive AF and the monthly payments are the highest I've ever paid, but it's within the budget of my new fancy job.  

Inspections are soon and everyone is buzzing along, and who knows - maybe I'll have it sooner than the 30 days we're planning for.  It's not currently occupied so everyone is good with sooner than later.  There are other things I need to address right away, such as a water leak in the front yard.  We'll see what else the inspections say.  I'll keep money saved out of the down payment so I can immediately address what needs to be done.

Then there will be the other move-in items, such as installing dog door and making sure the fence is solid with no spots for Catahooligan havoc.  

Longer term I already have plans to convert the yards to permaculture.  So many good foods can be grown here, including stone fruits and kiwis and grapes and such wonderful berries.  And whatever I can't use, neighbors are a community food distribution hub, and there is a foraging group that will gather and distribute.  I can build for great abundance without any worries of waste.  And I can reduce my food dollar long-term with these investments. 

And I want to also build a small rental property - if I stay long-term it will cover costs after house is paid off and I retire, and if I sell it will increase the value of the property. 

Will I stay long-term?  I don't know.  How can I ever know?  It's not the most interesting place in the world, but I've been in the most interesting places and now I'm tired.  Not too tired to garden, but too tired to get shot at.

So, this is exciting news.  

And I have to stick with my job.  I have a bad attitude Im trying to hide - I'm just so very very tired of jobs.  I've been in so many and I just want to retire now.  But I can't.  But I can try to get myself into a nice nest for when I can. 

timing

 My truck may be kaputt.  I just dropped it at the mechanic's with a note, so we shall see.

i drove it a fair amount this weekend to get plant and soil and to visit, and about 0.5 miles from the house when coming home last night, the check engine light went on.

This morning I checked and the fluids still look fine, so maybe it's nothing serious and could be an easy fix to keep it going as the dog and gardenmobile?  (We skipped our Sunday walk today because I am not ready to let her into my new car.)  

The timing is just amazing though. Despite apparent serious gasket issue causing oil leaking/seepage, I drove nearly 3,000 miles without incident in February.  By leaving when I did, I avoided winter weather (it was following me) and sold my house quickly to a cash buyer and left the most toxic job I'd ever witnessed.  And my truck took it all in without complaint.

So then I get here and discover how serious and expensive the issues are, so I order a new car.  It comes in early, and three days later my truck's check engine light comes on.  Like, seriously?  This truck has been my guardian angel and has always been there for me.  (Except when I tried to drive up an icy road, but that was clearly my fault.)  

I have an attachment to this truck and I'm not ready to let it go.  Not practically (dog and garden purposes) and not emotionally (it's lived so many lifetimes with me without complaint). 

But I'm also not prepared to send $9,800 to repair it.  But I'd spend some.  

It's a fantastic truck.  The best.

fingers crossed

 The house is far from perfect and needs significant upgrades, but it checks so many boxes I'd never dreamed to actually think possible.  Like a utility room between outside and house with laundry, sink, and bathroom with shower.  How many times have I wished for such a setup, to be able to clean my garden off me before reentering the house?  SO MANY. TIMES.  Countless times.  I've dreamed of an outdoor shower but this is even better.  

So, I placed an offer already.  Above asking.  They have several days to review offers, and I could possibly be priced out by some cash buyer.  Likely will.  But if it happens, I'm so down for it! 

new car

 Got the new car.  It's fancier than I expected, tbh.  Bigger too, which kind of bums me out because I really wanted a small car, but it's just a lot more functional for me this way.  They washed it, gassed it up, tried to sell me the extended warranty.  (I declined, though  wonder if I shoudl reconsider?  There are so many electronics that seem could go wrong.)

Subarus are a lifestyle, apparently. Soon I will be contacted by a car expert who will answer all my questions (like how to unlock the passenger door?) and if I meet with him I'll get a $25 gas card.  How can I turn that down?  

I do like that Subarus are still a bit analog.  I read reviews that said they aren't intuitive but I disagree - it's only the fancy things I don't understand that are complicated. Oherwise it seems straightforward.

It's Saturday and I have a full day ahead.  First to view a house and from what I can make out online, I really want it.  Did two drive-bys already to check out the dog walking past situation and it seems reasonable but I have to keep checking.  IT's definitely dated but seems fully liveable like I can slowly upgrade, but I need more information.  It's expensive but not crazy, and it seems to be in an absolutely perfect location regarding healthy lifestyle and community living.  Not right by Friend but not too far.  It has a weird fencing situation so I don't know if the backyard is big enough -  I could expand fenced area, but it has an area that would be perfect for chickens or an ADU.  (I don't want chickens now - at least that's what I keep telling myself - but I can't stop thinking about them.  Maybe I could get ducks - there was a lovely pair sitting in the curbstrip when we drove past last night.)  

If a look doesn't reveal problems, I'm pouncing immediately.  It checks almost all the boxes.  

Then to the farmers market and to drive out of town to pick up some pre-ordered garden starts then a truckload of potting soil to work.  Some things aren't really ready to put out yet but I might still.  My lettuce, kale, carrots, and peas are all germinated and growing, though something is jumping into the garden beds.  (Friend thinks it may be the dog, and she has had muddy paws, but I have a hard time believing it ...)  I got some growbags for some potatoes that someone gave me, and Friend has a lot of pots with soil that needs refreshing.  Her large garden beds aren't going to be enough space for all the plants and seeds I have, so I'll take over some of those pots as well. 

Then off to meet with another good friend I know from New Orleans.  They have a lovely house and garden that will inspire me.  And tomorrow for an Easter brunch with Friend's niece's husband's mother.  It's not actually that attenuated and she's lovely.  And the grandkids are a lot of fun - when they met me for the first time it seems they watched me for less than a minute before accepting me, even the little one who doesn't like anyone but parents right now found me a wholly acceptable replacement.  I have that way.  

I need to make meals that I can take for lunch to work.  And figure out breakfasts.  When I eat out for lunch I've been disappointed every time.  It's only been three times and I'll keep trying, but that's frustrating.  I will say we went out for burgers last night and they were quite good, so that's something. 

the other shoe

 Yesterday in talking with a very helpful coworker who's been there a year and a half, she said, "I've been waiting for the other shoe to drop, you know?  The job seems good but what's going to surprise me later?"  

And we laughed because if it hasn't happened in 18 months, it probably won't. But that sort of is how I've been feeling about it.  Like, everyone seems so nice - when do they rip off their masks and plunge a knife into my heart?  

And also we feel this way because there's been relatively high turnover.  I saw a document from a year and half ago and I didn't recognize half the names.  That raises some red flags, but also what if it just wasn't a good match.  And what if it is a good match for me and some others.  I keep being so surprised at how things are run - the way I've always tried to run things (to varying success, because so many workplaces prefer to be toxic chaos).  What if this really does get to be my last job and I can stay as long as I need to to earn sufficient retirement? I'm afraid to get my hopes up, honestly. Yesterday my boss said she strongly encourages us to take vacations, and I know that's true because I see people taking vacations and I see other people stepping up to help cover to allow that.  IF you don't know why this is unusual, then you haven't been in the workplaces I've been in. 

The other shoe to drop is housing costs, honestly.  Oof.  Today I'm going to do some drivebys for houses further away than I wanted.  My realtor is unavailable this weekend, but if there's something good hopefully we can see Monday after work and take action.  

I know I should wait to buy a house.  I KNOW.  But I just feel so discombobulated because my stuff is still packed up.  And I want a house with an office space so that I can work from home.  With far fewer tchotchkes, and with far less television.  I am beyond grateful to my friend for letting us land here and being so welcoming, but this does not feel like a long-term fit for me, especially now that my job changed and I dont' have to travel.

My boss bought a farm and she and her husband spend time fixing it all up and she says that fills her metaphorical cup, and I absolutely get that and appreciate nearby farm purchase opportunities.  But I don't have it in me to have a farm by myself.  I cannot replace pasture fencing alone or any of the other things that come along.  I don't even want chickens again because those bitches are demanding with wanting to be let out early in the morning - and I just don't know how to be a laidback caretaker, so I make more work and worry for myself than I need to, and that's ok it's just who I am.  So I seem to want a suburban house with large yard for garden and dog that I can slowly convert to native plants and food, but at the same time I'm involving in groups that push for a staunch anti-suburbs POV.  Meeting up with them today in fact, and I'll be all riled up about community living and alternative transport and such.  I better gear up to bike there and further errands else I'm an asshole pulling up in my old gas guzzling truck.  

I may see That Guy there.  We've been texting sporadically.  He tries with dad jokes and I'm just not feeling all that.  Maybe I sense a lack of authenticity.  I like real people and he feels a bit performative which is not my jam.