Back to real life with work and exhaustion, but I want to keep making progress. One project a day. Today I fought a bidet seat and I won. the shut-off valve for the toilet really does not work. I should probably replace it. But that's not as urgent as replacing doorknobs, cleaning floors, or unpacking.
One a day.
I went to Friend's house to pick up my bike and spices and other things I'd left. She wasn't feeling well and had just been sitting all day. Which, TBH, I can't judge. I have days where I feel like crap and don't move much.
When I left she said, "Thanks for getting me up out of the chair." And that sums up a big part of why I moved here - to keep her from her chair.
Friend works hard, almost harder than anyone I know. She has always worked in physically demanding jobs and she doesn't back down from physical challenges. She's in her mid-60s and working harder than others. So when she comes home at the end of her workday and sits in front of the TV, I get it.
But the concern that I and other have is that when she retires, she'll park herself there and not get up. Inertia will set in after a lifetime of moving, and it will kill her. So a big part of why I'm here is to help transition her into retirement soon, to get her hooked up with organizations that she wants to volunteer with, be active with. Help move her into an active retirement on her own terms, no longer getting up at 3:30 am for a full day of hard exertion.
She is having kind of a hard time with us moving out, and said, "This time won't be so hard, you're just five minutes away." Exactly. I needed my space and my quiet. While I like TV much more now than I used to, it's not a life for me to come home from work and park myself on the couch. On my own, I pause shows and movies a lot, to do another task.
The dog is having a hard time being away from her auntie, and when Friend came over the day after I moved in and then left, Ziggy cried mournfully for a very long time. But these two need to get over it because they can see each other all the time. I'm on Friend's way home from work - she can always just pop in. Though, honestly she can't because I won't have her come over when I'm working from home because i need the dog quiet.
OH, I'm so excited to be able to work from home and I'm hoping it improves my quality of life. Sadly going to the office hasn't been the helpful interaction I'd hoped for and now I'm ready to transition to quality over quantity of interaction.
My house is SO QUIET. I'm actually keeping my ductless AC running all the time to have a hum so my dog can't hear things blocks away. She is loving the backyard and she surprised a squirrel who got super upset, so she's having a very good time. I want the rats and raccoons to leave her alone, but the birds and squirrels can handle themselves. And if a possum ventures in, it's dead. I don't think a dog has ever lived here; for certain one hasn't for 30 years. It'll be an adjustment. Hopefully people stop walking across my yard instead of crossing the street for the sidewalk.
Still so much moving in to do. I cannot find my alarm clock which is making me kind of crazy. I'm slowly unpacking and am through most of it for now. I do not put things away neatly at this stage, I just sort of throw things where they probably go so I can adjust. I have a small kitchen but it's still only 2/3 full. Of course that's because I fill mudroom cabinets with jars. I may have a problem. I've only been here five months and I have SO MANY jars. Gathered from free postings and recycling and sales. It's time to slow my roll.
Once I get really moved in, I can jam up the berries filling my freezer.
My appliances are old and funky and I am really looking forward to upgrading. Somehow when I saw this house and put an offer on it, I didn't notice how much work needs to be done. Will it ever end? I don't know. Probably. But there will always be that one more project. I do still have a bit of nest egg burning a hole in my pocket, but that's going to quickly evaporate once I start buying appliances and extend fence and redo bathroom and kitchen.
I can't lose my job. That's the only way I can afford this house. I need to keep grinding and saving and hopefully retirement will come my way.
We spent the first night in our new house last night and it was fine. I think I slept well but too little, in part because the dog was too eager to get out and face the day. There is lots of wildlife in my backyard and she wanted to interact with it, like chasing the birds off the figs. Of course 5 am on a Saturday is too early for her to be screaming so we had words.
And now it's 8 am and she's gone back to bed. Because her shift is over? Nutty dog. Is that her snoring from my bed? Good grief.
Maybe I'll get a nap later.
Lots to do. Still some cleaning, lots of unpacking and organizing. I don't actually have that much stuff but it's still a lot. And I need to make final decisions about things like dining table, dresser, and the last rugs and curtains. So far I like the choices I've made - it's a neutral color peaceful sanctuary. My friend visiting came overtown and made a little dig on the neutral wall color and talked of more color, but is that a London thing because I knew her pre-London and her life was in muted neutral tones.
Yesterday I was a bit indulgent and got a keypad for my garage door and installed one on my front door as well. Quality of life, man. I love them so much already.
My windows are really large - too large, really. Especially kitchen and bathroom, but everywhere. I won't make any changes until I've gone through all seasons - maybe these are helpful in dreary winter?
It is really nice to be in my own space again. I want to get music set up - of course I want to be listening to Sinead. Need to find speaker and batteries and the things. Everything is buried. Everything will get unpacked.
I'm proud of myself for not once checking work phone or email yesterday, having taken off the Friday to move. It was really helpful to get almost everything moved in and a lot of the things done. It really pushed me physically and that's not over. I wish my body wasn't so quick to collapse in exhaustion.
Sinéad O'Connor was the patron saint of difficult women, and we mourn her.
I don't trust smooth, slick people, which made it really easy to feel comfortable in the discomfort with Sinéad. She often said and did things that seemed completely whack, and I never felt like I needed to judge her because whatever she was doing was from a place of honesty and vulnerability and love.
I listened to The Lion and the Cobra probably a million times. I shaved my head. Not to be like her, but because I wanted to be free of social constraints regarding hair and it happened to be what she did. She made things possible. She made us understand the risks of being a difficult woman, which was helpful because we already saw the risks of NOT being a difficult woman. As I made choices to stand up for myself and for others I knew potential consequences, and I still did it.
I too am earnest and honest and driven by motivations other than any kind of commercial/capitalist success.
This often makes people uncomfortable. I think my bosses are going to try to have a talk with me about being me. I'm not polished, and in fact that's kind of my schtick. It has served me incredibly well in life, because not only do people underestimate me, but it gives me access. I got access to members of Congress who refused the calls from my employers because I didn't stick to a prepared script - I was folksy and direct. It often works abroad too; in one place I worked, nobody seemed to like my boss. I liked her a lot, still do, and found her calm to be helpful. But other people found it disingenious and they preferred my cursing rants when upset, my ability to laugh at really crass jokes even at my own expense, and how I fucked around (literally). I'm just me. No artifice. And I didn't need Sinéad's permission but it was nice to be in a world together where we lived our respective truths.
I called a colleague yesterday and she said she had just put her dog down. We talked through the process and how it had been wonderful - the dog was very old and had stopped eating after other end-of-life signs, the family had come to love on the dog on the front porch and then a great vet had come to facilitate a peaceful end. I know how much she loved the dog - we'd actually spoken before about him, and she even sent me pics of him before.
And I said, "I'd like to go in a manner similar, you know?" And we kept talking and what I hadn't realized is that her disability is progressive and she has already been scoping these things out, like Dignitas in Switzerland. I don't know what her disability is and she's never identified it. I could guess maybe MS? (I could probably also ask her since we real talk.) She said, "My daughter is grown and doing well. My big dog is gone. I can start making my own plans."
And my first thought was, "No! You have a long life ahead of you!" But I have no idea what the progression is with her as I've only known her a short time. I don't know what her line is that she doesn't want to cross. She may well not want to be bedridden. She's a very active person, to the limits of her body, and she may be suffering far more than I know.
So I kept quiet. I really like her and respect her, but her decision of when to die with dignity is none of my business.
But what I may say is, if she needs a travel partner to Switzerland, I'm in. Dignitas requires two trips, which isn't the worst thing and I could help out. I don't think I'd need to be there when she passes as her loved ones probably would be, but maybe they can't handle it. I don't know. There's a lot I don't know. But I very staunchly believe in our right to die on our own terms, and that even means helping people I like. I'd prefer to not deliver the substance myself for legal reasons, but I don't think Dignitas requires that.
TBH, the thought of dying in Switzerland leaves me cold. Switzerland is beautiful and I've got some good friends there, but it's a cold place in terms of people. The older I get the more I really appreciate community, and European models of that suck when compared to places where people are much more engaged with each other. I want to die like in Tu Mama, Tambien, if I can't just die in my own bed.
And I don't want to die anytime soon. Fortunately my heart problems haven't returned (though I now have bad hives - oof the stress manifests on my body so hard).
And I don't want my colleague to die anytime soon. But that's none of my fucking business. What could be my business is helping with her luggage, and I'll offer. For whenever it's time.
I"ve taken people to abortions for the same reasons. I don't want to have an abortion myself but staunchly support the right to it, and frankly why people need to get them isn't my business. I'm here to take you and pick you up. Plus it's funny when the people in the parking lot are yelling about pregnancy in my post-menopausal body.
I"m not a death facilitator, I'm a dignity and autonomy companion.
Anyway, it was kind of an intense conversation for what I thought would be a quick call about a work thing. And I"ll follow up with her.
And then I got an email from a friend asking if I'd be backup executor to their estate once she and her husband pass. I need to look into the requirements of that, though first I need to get over my aversion to the thought of them dying. He has been physically progressively deteriorating over the years we've been friends, and they have been retired for years, but I think of them both as very much alive. It is quite an honor that they asked and trust me in this way.
But yeah, that was quite a lot of death talk for a Tuesday.
While I would not call the colonoscopy fun by any means, it was surprisingly well-done.
The prep is definitely not fun - I had Suprep which they try to make taste like fake cherry jolly rancher or something such, and it was gross. Running to the toilet 10-15 times as the bowels cleansed, and then of course that's a lot of wiping and the bum gets sore.
Reducing my fiber for days and then fasting was not pleasant either. I followed all the rules but I struggled. It made my mental faculties slow even before the anesthesia.
Day of, I arrived at 1:45 pm as ordered. Friend brought me and stayed for the procedure, and I think we left by 3:45 pm.
They quickly checked me in and I barely had time to sit down before they brought me back, and the nurse had a striking resemblance to - and the same name as - my lover and friend who passed away a few years ago. He and every other person was so competent. We walked past and I was struck by the set-up for volume. All these little areas with curtains, full of people in various states of recovery. I didn't see them al but it must have been 30 or more. I don't know what I expected but it wasn't this efficiency.
I was told to take off all my clothes, put on non-slip socks and a gown, and lay down. I was covered in warm blankets and we went through all the questions. They weren't stupid questions like often. I heard the nurses notice my bruises and asked if I'd recently had an IV, and then I got the abuse question and the drugs questions. But it was all quickly handled though not rushed. My blood pressure was through the roof - like 157 over 87 I think - and I was anxious AF.
Then the anesthesiology nurse came in and he was super competent and heard my anesthesia concerns and made a plan to reduce my brain fog if possible.
Then he rolled me back to the room with another nurse and the doctor, and my initial favorable impressions of the doctor strengthened. He asked if we'd discussed my anesthesia concerns. He told me that he was looking for IBD and would take a biopsy for detection of another possible condition, and that we were doing the screening as well. They put the things in my nostrils and put me under.
He ended up removing one benign polyp, and from the photos that they included in my report I can see that I have an exceedingly healthy colon. Some diverticula pockets (or whatever that's called), some internal hermorroids, but nothing of concern. He ordered a high-fiber diet and honestly I eat more fiber than 95% of Americans so I think I'm good.
I came out of the fog with the nurse assigned to me who looks so fondly familiar, which I told him (which he probably hear too often), and he had to repeat himself but they were ready for the confusion because everything goes in the written report. The other nurses came in, and then the tech who removed the IV and had me slowly sit up and then get dressed. I opened the curtain and had the first person I saw escort me out, after she checked that I was done.
And then we came home. And I ate yogurt with banana, and then later a dinner of rice and chicken and salad and bread and tzatziki. I did some light gardening to move around.
My rectum was sore but it's pretty much fine the next morning.
And now I don't have to worry about this for another decade, though I do need to take Friend for hers as it's been about 14 years.
I'm still just marveling at the elaborate dance they have to do all this so effectively. When I talked to the nurse assigned to me, he too marvels at the machine of it. He was also really proud about being a part of it. "If it wasn't like this, we wouldn't be able to help so many people know they're ok."
I thanked him and the anesthesia nurse who heard me and stayed with me, and they said I was a very good patient. Which is only true because I was only there for two hours - keep me longer and I'm a nightmare.
Next morning, I feel a little slow still but ok. I think I'll shake it off with getting to work.
And while we'll wait for the biopsy results to ensure I don't have what I think he called microscopic colitis, I have a clean bill of health. The GI issues are in my head (which the doctor definitely did not say and was uncomfortable when I said). But that just means that I need to improve my stress reduction techniques, reduce my anxiety, figure out all the foods that bother me.
I have 56 more months in this very stressful job, and I need to make it through healthy.
I know that millions of colonoscopies are done without any ill effects, but anesthesia and invasive medical procedures put me on edge for sure. I'm grateful the doctor got me in sooner than the six months out they're currently scheduling for, because I would have stressed about it the whole time. I'm also grateful that the doctor doing it seems really experienced in the right ways. Also very grateful for a friend to take me and pick me up. But yeah, I have that ahead of me today in a few hours so I'm distracted. Also, there are financial concerns - the medical office won't tell me how it'll be coded, and if it's done as a diagnostic that's a heap of cash as opposed to screening, and while I understand that the code may change depending on what is found and done, a diagnostic also requires pre-authorization, says my insurance company, but the doctor's office says that's not required, and oof. Plus I have good insurance but still had to pay $80 for the prep which is stupid. IF a screening is free, how can my insurance company not cover all the parts of the free screening? And they wouldn't cover at all the generic so it had to be special ordered. Stupid.
The dog has been worried about me which is sweet. We're a ridiculous pair of worry.
The plan is still to move into my house later this week. Electricians will be there tomorrow to finish up (I told them they MUST finish and there will be no more extensions because this pattern of starting and not finishing isn't working for me anymore). On Friday I have garage door repairs and mechanical permit inspection, and then hopefully no more workers inside my house for awhile.
I've already been contemplating my new kitchen. I have heaps of projects to do before then but I want to keep it in view. My friend said her husband is intrigued by Ikea kitchens and would like to get involved and he's an architect so great. I want to decide on the appliances so I can keep an eye for good sales (I could just park them in my dining room until ready to install), and I went down a rabbithole and landed on Bosch. What great appliances and also not fucking cheap so it'll easily double my appliance costs. My kitchen and home is pretty modest so the ROI won't be there but hey, if I'm here for at least five years isn't it worth having the luxury appliances of my dreams to enjoy, especially since I'm not doing any travel and home is where I plan to spend all my time for years. But then in my email inbox this morning I see TWO posts from frugal blogs and I doubt my commitment to the good stuff.
But now I'm breaking it down and the additional cost of all those nice appliances is approximately one month's salary right now. Do I want to work one month longer before retirement and enjoy for the next five or so years a special vegetable drawer that makes food last longer and also pyramid-shaped ice available to me at all times? Now I'm confused again.
I think it's been a minute since I posted. I'm still around.
Work stress is off the charts. For all of us. My new team member who's been a problem for others has said I'm a "breath of fresh air" for her and she seems loyal to me, which is helpful. But we're all still fucking up because we're so stressed. Which is of course a vicious cycle as the mistakes make more stress for us all. I have thoughts on improvements but we're all just flailing in survival mode. I'm working 12+ hour days M-F, and hours on weekends too. It's too much. I can feel the stress hormones affecting me negatively and it's starting to affect my health.
I just don't really know how to cut the workload, since I'm new and have to discover everything on my own. It's tough.
I'm hoping to move into my house next weekend. I have to do some more cleaning, all the packing and moving. Install curtains. All the things. A lot I'm just waiting on like installing doorknobs and fixing the paint job until after I move in. But I have to scrub that kitchen down again and put in shelf liner before I can start moving into it. And we still need to finish fixing the shed so the dog can't escape out out it. Lots of things to do but we've done a lot. The exciting part to me is that I will be able to work from home, so I have started setting up a lovely office with an adjustable desk for standing and a colorful rug. Internet is hooked up and I have a chair to assemble. I have a sofa which isn't super comfortable but should work fine. I actually got two - they're the Ikea Klippan which is not high quality, but it has washable covers which is great for dog ownership. I just need them to last for as long as my dog.
I have a diagnostic colonoscopy on Monday. I think that my GI symptoms are stress, but the doctor wants to be sure. Plus I'm of an age to have a colonoscopy for colon cancer screening and polyps removal. If it were just screening, the earliest would be November, but the doctor pushed things to get me in earlier. I only "met" the doctor in one telehealth appointment, but he seems good and I don't have concerns about his expertise, but I still really do not like medical interventions. They fuck me up, throw my balance off. Having that happen to me now in this super stressful work time is not desirable, but it is what it is.
I still have hope that things will simmer down at work once I master the basics of what I do in the next few months, but as I look at my coworkers who have been there a long time with the same job, I see them also overloaded with impossible work levels right now. I don't know how to manage that for six years (or however long I need to work to be able to pay off my house if I'm very thrifty) but maybe I'll be able to. God I hope so because otherwise I'm really fucked. There is no other job here that I can do that will pay this well, and it doesn't have the 24/7 on call requirement that fucked with my heart because of sleep interruptions.
I got my hair cut yesterday and the stylist is great - I found her when I first got here and followed her when she went out on her own. She has this little spa-like space and she does scalp and neck massage and while that's not usually for me, she's awesome. I think it helped because I was wound so tight.
Part of my problem is that I'm super helpful and can't stop myself, and I also want everyone to do a good job so I step up to help. I want things done well and thoroughly, but in this crisis stage I think I need to satisfice more. Where I cut is what I need to determine, because with our exhaustion the critical things are taking a hit instead of the things that maybe i can let go of. I just need to grind and not spend energy contemplating better processes. For now. I can revisit later those things.
Fortunately relationships are getting established and i can coast there a little more. I think I'm viewed as a bumbling good-natured well-meaning oaf, which is funny because I've never been that but maybe I am now. I push a lot on respecting people no matter who they are and I keep smiling with people who are notoriously difficult, just ignoring their rebuffs until I break them down to be at least polite to me. If they think I'm just ok at my job instead of brilliant, I'm frankly ok with that right now.
Just trying to survive right now, with a bandwidth pushed FAR beyond reason.
I woke up at 4 am, excited to go berry picking with a friend. the earliest we can go is 10 am so my body isn't really keeping track of time. Unfortunate, because I needed a lot more sleep.
On July 4th I went blueberry picking, which I just finished processing and need to take to my house because Friend's freezer is overfull. Can I have too many berries in my freezer? I'm going to need to get a small chest freezer pretty quick. I have frozen cherries to make jam from and I'll want to make raspberry jam also. Blueberries I want to just freeze individually to have on hand to eat. That's why it took time to process - first, they were a little underripe, so I left them in a paper bag on the counter for a couple of days, and then I started washing and drying and freezing on a baking sheet a batch at a time and then into ziplocs. Ten pounds is a bit, about two gallon size bags. And I have this part of my brain wanting to get MORE MORE MORE, to prepare for winter. Winter is long and dark and sad here. But I don't need a hundred pounds of berries, this I know.
My friend I'll go picking with also likes to prepare for winter, plus she has two children and a husband to feed, so she's into quantity. We feed off each other, so we'll probably end up with hundreds of pounds of berries unless somebody sane will save us from ourselves.
I could probably make jam now instead of freezing berries to do it later, but I just want my own damn kitchen to do it in. I don't have all my canning gear out, nor a dishwasher for sanitizing. Friend's kitchen is a bit cluttered, and I sure do not want to damage her new countertops. So, I could but, meh. It seems a good project for nesting.
I've been going to the house and getting stressed out because the painters are kinda wilding. I haven't seen all the damage yet. I got stern about tracking paint on my hardwood floors and that better be fucking cleaned up. I'm just so fucking tired of this. So. Fucking. Tired. I was there Thursday to bring in a furniture delivery and the electrician met me there because they also dropped the ball, and good lord I don't want to keep talking about three-wire vs. two-wire receptacles. I see problems with the paint but at this stage I'm just going to fix everything my goddamn self. And I"m not just talking about missing spots on baseboards - there are unprepped areas on walls and peeling trim paint. But I seriously cannot handle any more of this.
Friend and I are seriously talking about doing my future remodeling ourselves. I'm not a carpenter, and her skills aren't as strong as she thinks. But I can figure shit out and take time. Now I'm just so hurried to get into my house, but I can take time with future projects.
Work is demanding so why would I think I can take on projects myself? Well, it's a different kind of work. Nice to focus on what I can do instead of things I can't control at work. For the kitchen I'm thinking all new cabinets and countertops and light fixtures and flooring and appliances, and probably taking out the space above the countertops that is built-out wall. That last part is frankly what worries me the most. I don't know how to fix walls. But I bet I can learn. Maybe we start with my main bathroom, with the tile I have to remove because it's battered. Practice floating there, and plan to cover it with beadboard.
I have money saved for inexpensive remodels of kitchen and bath, and I was thinking we could just move out for time to have those things done, but I'm just so tired of workers. I mean, I'll need to have workers along the way - like to install heavy countertops, to install more electrical, to refinish the bathtub. But those are discrete tasks rather than a big project which is where the stress is from now. Ikea cabinets are made to be installed by DIYers and they help with planning projects. I'm eyeing a lovely linoleum flooring that is also DIY-er. Though TBH, I've tiled a bathroom before and it turned out great. I have skills. I lack stamina and strength now compared to 15 years ago, but I am still able to figure things out and be precise.
So we plan to start with the mudroom which will be a replacement of a sink and cabinet, flooring, and new washer/dryer (stackable hopefully). If we can do that, we'll make our next plans.
None of this is urgent. Though I am dreaming of moving around my kitchen enough to put the refrigerator at the dining room edge so that I could get a fancy one. The current space will only fit a quite small refrigerator - only one at Home Depot would fit the dimensions without hitting cabinets or blocking door to mudroom. In theory I like a small refrigerator. In reality, I want a large one. I often have many food projects and I want space for that. I plan to help with distributing food and I need space for that (pick up from gleaners and process to share). Plus if I have people staying or living with me I want more fridge space, and I will be selling this house someday and a nice refrigerator doesn't hurt. If I rearrange my kitchen entirely, I could get whatever refrigerator I want. If I get Ikea cabinets, there are so many great design features to maximize space instead of some wasted space like now.
One of the things that I loved about New Orleans and much of Africa is an appreciation of a larger woman's body. I've always been curvier and I've also always been strong.
Like most women, in childhood I experienced sexual assault, and I was also able to escape worse by using my wits and my body. I like having heft. It can help.
And then I moved here and it's the land of thin people. I'm much more in the minority, and frankly that makes me want to dig in my heels. I want to take up space - not others' space, but my own. I don't want to shrink to please others. I am really aggravated at the problems I'm having with office and meeting room chairs - they squeak so much, and the office chair they gave me kept going all the way down when I'd fidget at all. It's like they're trying to fat shame me by not having chairs that can support someone over 150 pounds. That pisses me off.
But in digging in my heels, I've been getting yet larger. My clothes are getting too tight. My feet hurt. Despite taking the stairs nearly every day it is still difficult.
Stubborn me who wants to say fuck off to the haters is having to refocus to selfish me who acts in my own best interests. Which means i need to lose some weight and I also need to do more exercising including for flexibility. I have no interest in being thin, but I do have interest in being mobile.
Not that it's any excuse but these transition periods are really hard for me to maintain a healthy lifestyle. Once I get set up in my own house with my routines there and working from home, I have no more excuses.
In the meantime, I can cut back on the junkfood.
Saturday morning and I've just spent the past two hours buying EVERYTHING. A bed, an adjustable desk that allows me to stand, jeans (used, to replace what just ripped and is no longer wearable and not fixable). Internet (attempted but order not going through). Booked a haircut (with a very friendly stylist who lets me come in after her workday, whenever I can get there after work.) So on and so forth. I'm spending so much money, but I need to just get it done. Soon I'll head out to spend a chunk of change on cleaning supplies, window film, lumber to finish shed repairs, and hopefully some rugs. I'll scrub windows and floors and bathrooms and kitchen and I'll wait for the couch delivery this afternoon. Once I get all the window film up, hopefully friend can help me reinstall curtain rods and I can start shopping for curtains.
My back is killing me and my stamina sucks, but I'll do what I can.
Feeling super grateful, as I usually do. Grateful for resources to do what I need to do to make a very comfortable nest. For a pretty able body, for an extremely helpful friend.
Lots to do. Life is good.
