nearby

I have read of New Yorkers who stay within their neighborhoods, rarely going more than a few blocks beyond, and it didn't really make sense to me.  But now I get it better.

That my office is an easy three mile drive from my house is fantastic.  I may hit five school zones on the way, but it's still a low-drama drive.   I like low-drama drives, and it takes A LOT for me to go to higher drama areas, with narrow streets and no parking and poor visibility at intersections - the parts of town that everybody loves, I stay away from when at all possible.  I'm still within the city, but it almost feels like a suburb, and I really noticed when I got back how different it is. People masking up at MUCH higher rates than the rest of the city, and my nearby grocery store being clean and well-stocked (though I may have gone through and pulled out the expired organic dairy products and told a manager to deal with it).  And since I've been gone, there's now a major doctor's office not too far from my house - I used to have to deal with going waaaay across town with no parking and I hated that while liking my doctor, but those days are over.  I'm going to the shiny new place with the friendly people near me.  I'm going to go to the auto repair place near me.  Just made an optometrist appointment near my office.  And now I'm actually planning to shift my dentist to very near me - I was very loyal to an office in the downtown area where they were super good, but I'm simply unwilling to make that drive at all.  Instead, I found a highly rated person about four blocks from my house.  

And I don't feel that my life is contracting, instead I feel a decrease in stress.  Driving is stressful, but biking even more so because the drivers are so bad here.  

And this may be the long-term secret to happiness for me, finding a niche in a community to provides almost all my needs.  I do still drive distances for friends and for places like Costco and Trader Joe's, but I don't have to do it every day.  Before I left my job was only five miles away but the traffic was awful and it was always at least a half hour each way, and parking was not convenient.  I was also paid 50% more than I am now, so there's that, but it was stressful.  I feel that a reduced commute and ability to come home for lunch are great quality of life factors.  If I didn't have the dog I probably wouldn't come home every day, but it is nice to see her.  Coming home for lunch started two towns ago when I couldn't have a dog door and so really should come home; there too was a very short commute and I loved it.  

And it's not like I'm doing important things instead of commuting, but the reduction of that stress is really helpful as I try to recover from my last job's 24/7 on-call stress. 

a good day

 Last night I sternly told myself that I was NOT to dream of recurring hurricanes, and I didn't.  I still had unsettling dreams, but they didn't force me awake, grabbing things to run to save my shelter.  I didn't sleep enough, but it was better.

I wrapped up the day at work with leaning back with a job well done.  This is not going to be a great gig for me forever, but for right now it's pretty good.  I get asked questions, I research them, I answer them.  It's easy and delightful.  I struggle sometimes and wish there were somebody else there I could speak with, but then I buck up and figure it out.  I look out the window and see nature and contemplate.  It all works out.  

Then a carpenter came over and he was so good with the dog.  He is working on a quote and I hope this works out.  I think he figured out my window leak problem too.  This could be fantastic, and he's hooking me up with a roofer, too.  

Then a friend posted that Whole Foods was giving away sparkling water, so off I went.  Sure enough, it was supposed to be given away with the ice and water right after Ida.  I was in those lines, so I felt no problem taking water for free.  

It not a bad Tuesday.

lunchtime

 Is there anything better than eating lunch at home?  I can just drive in and rummage through the cupboards for something to eat rather than having to plan ahead (today is a turkey burger).  I get to hang out with my puppy.  And I don't have to microwave at a workplace, which I really don't much care for.  

And then I go back, after taking an actual break.  It's great. 

subconscious

 Another night of nightmares that make me jump out of bed to stop water from flooding into my house.

Jackery and hurricane recap/pre-game

While out of power, I ordered a Jackery Solar Generator 1000, and now I have it up and charging.  My hope is that FEMA will cover the $800 of it that they're offering to other people for their loud, obnoxious, fuel generators.  

Mostly I want it for charging and fans, things like that, though it does have capacity to keep a small fridge going.  My thought re: perishables is that I can use coolers to keep those working and dont need to buy a car fridge or something else like that, but I may change my mind in the next hurricane.  (My workplace is weird with no shared breakroom anywhere near my wing of offices, so everybody has their own fridge and microwave in their offices.  I find it super bizarre and wasteful, and because I plan to usually come home for lunch I don't want to get them, but I may find it necessary as time goes on.  I could then bring the mini fridge home in a hurricane evacuation to use to keep some essentials - like my yogurt and sourdough starters - chilled.  Though I don't really need to keep the sourdough chilled, I would just need to keep feeding it.  curious about how yogurt was handled in time pre-electricity. Made daily?  That wouldn't work for me as I have no daily source of dairy.)

I just set up the panels to charge.  At 8:30 am, it's at 49% from the box.  I have a lot to learn about these panels, like how best to set them up.  They're not supposed to get wet, so I'll need to bring them in once it gets cloudy, so they'll have just a few hours of charging today.  There are concerns with that of course, since I want to have a solar powered life after a hurricane, and it's not always bright and sunny after a hurricane.  Though honestly it often is - I've been through a few now and there are usually a few days of actually really pleasant weather - sunny but cooler and breezy.  That's one of the reasons I was so upset about my neighbors' super loud generators, making it impossible for me to enjoy my backyard during the pleasant post-hurricane weather.  

It says about 17 hours of sun to full charge, but I think it may be somewhat less than that.  They can be used while charging, both panels and power station.  It can also be charged in 8 hours with AC and DC power (in a car, in an outlet), or by generator.  So I could easily charge it up before a storm, even with crappy weather, and in a pinch can use combination of my pickup and other people's electricity.  Though on the other hand, this charger is more than I need based upon what I envision right now, which gives me capacity to share charge, increase my usage, and to not stress if I can't charge it all day every day since there will be plenty of charge of last more than a day.  

Everything is larger than I expected, though could fit in my pickup for camping purposes.  I mean, I always appreciated NOT using electricity when camping, and honestly my camping days are mostly behind me, but maybe an off-grid cabin or a camper or something like that.  I can also make space in my closet to keep it when not in use; it does need to be recharged every six months at the least.

The things was fucking expensive, which is why I'm not putting it out on Facebook.  It was like $1,500.  Which is twice what a diesel generator that could do much more would cost, but if FEMA reimburses I'll be ok since I got paid for that week right after Ida even though I wasn't working.  I can also return it in 30 days so I'll keep an eye on that date and use it a few times.  It's pretty intuitive and straightforward, and the user manual reflects that - very short and to the point (and not in good English; it's definitely a Made in China product).  

All my hurricane supplies are still strewn about my house - 5-gallon containers full of water, camp stove and kettle, hatchet, flashlights, etc. etc.  I'm afraid to put them away for fear I'll just to pull them out again, but I am living in squalor between that and painting and construction supplies everywhere.  It's overwhelming and not a welcoming living space so I need to address it.

OK, it's set up in the backyard, charging away, and I'm off to do some errands for a couple of hours and hopefully the rain waits for me.  I'll report back on this post for my future reference.  

**

Best laid plans: as I was getting ready to head out on errands to be back before rain, Army Corps of Engineers contractors pulled up to finish installing my Blue Roof.  So I'll stay until rain.  This paying attention to rain was an issue after Ida, too.  I went out to deliver supplies to harder hit town one day and came home to my house with a ton of water from all the windows I had left open to have air circulation to dry my wet ceiling and walls.  So, I need to pay better attention to rain and not overcommit.  Also, I can charge the panels on my front porch most days for at least a few hours as it faces east and gets very sunny.  I'd just have to keep the blinds open so the dog can monitor for anyone coming to steal my very expensive equipment because it's fully visible from the street. 

In addition to the Blue Roof, things have been looking up.  I got a contractor to call me back and will come by tomorrow.  Another roofer says he'll draw up a proposal - without a site visit, making me wonder if he has satellite imagery access like the Army Corps of Engineers guy who did when he called to discuss the Blue Roofing.  But most exciting is a contact from a friend, a man who does very good interior work.  I don't even care how much he costs if he's that good and I don't have to go behind him and redo his work.  I will throw money at him to do things right.  He is scheduled to come on Tuesday, and I have to make him like me so he'll agree to do work here, because I have a whole host of things other than the hurricane damage that I've been trying to find somebody to do.  I'm so very excited about this possibility of a quality craftsman.  

A friend of a friend came to help me yesterday with moving things around inside and dirt and weeding the front yard mess.  It was super helpful and I just need to stay on top of it. She lives outside the system I think, a communist and activist.  I'm happy to support her and pay her what I earn to help me manage things that are overwhelming and help her pay her rent.  And she was super good with the dog which is tremendous.  

OK, I need to take advantage of this time that I cannot leave and clean up.  Too much mess here.  

Oh, and I checked charge and was 3% with 1/2 hour, which does track pretty much with 17 hours expected.  I wonder if it will increase with high noon sun, better placement, etc.  I can get about 12 hours of some sun in backyard each day.  

**

10:30 - 61%.  That's 12% in 2 hours.  17 hours as predicted.  And the sky is cloudy now with sun covered but it's still showing 19-20 watts input.

still feeling the storm

 I was up all night in a semi-dream state, thinking there was a hurricane again and I had to keep vigilant to protect my house so getting out of bed in a panic.  This will probably recur.  

Yesterday my insurance agent, whom I really enjoy, called with a claim matter and we chatted my whole lunch hour.  Key point: my insurance premium will increase 43%.  There are other companies to shop and he'll try to mitigate, but of course insurance is going up when they have to pay on everyone's houses.  My insurance will be about $6,000 on a house I bought for less than $150,000.  That increases my total monthly expenses by 13%.  In comparison, up north last year I paid $542 on a house I bought for $300,000. 

And he won't leave - he's a local guy and runs an insurance company - but even he is thinking about it.  

And it's not just insurance.  It's the infrastructure that just doesn't work.  I have so many beefs with our water company - from how they dug up my driveway in March and still not repaved it, to how their billing system is so wrong.  The roads are so bad.  I can go on and on.  And I usually just take it in stride, but I think all the deaths of elderly people after Ida really grabbed me.  I cannot be old here.  When I am 75 I should not be running out in the middle of a hurricane to break off drip edge and reposition a portalet and living without electricity for weeks.   It is hard to experience and recover from a hurricane, as last night shows.  And kudos to all the people who do this, but that plus everything else makes me think of cutting my losses as much as it guts me to not think of New Orleans as home anymore.  Because of course I'm also not making good money.  I mean, it's above the median of like $31K, but how are people living on that and saving for retirement?  

So.

Over the next year and a half to two years, I have my work cut out for me to get the house marketable.  I need to lean in to every crazy wonderful thing of this city that I can, knowing that it's not forever.  Save money as always.  And then probably move to Oregon.  Stay with a friend once her cat dies and look for work in the area.  I've been offered jobs there before and I could again, and my house proceeds should help me find housing I can afford.  My BFF is still healthy now, but she'll be in her mid-60s then, and her mother died at 70.  

Making this decision now makes things easy for me in a lot of ways - how I landscape (not so quirky), how I purchase things.  Do I need a new couch when I'll only use it for a year and a half, or will this somewhat stinky one work for awhile?  I will keep all the borrowed furniture.  I won't invest a ton of money, just fix the little things.  

Because it's not just the increase in cost of living and dangers, it's the understanding that this is only going to get worse in my lifetime.  When I bought this house, my realtor strongly advised me not to put a lot of money into it as it would likely be a total loss in a big storm soon.  Most of the houses in my neighborhood are new because so many had to be torn down after levee failures of Katrina.  And I believed and still do that the Army Corps has built levees back better, there are other concerns.  

And once there is no more dog, in maybe seven years or so, I will be free to go and do what I want.  But Oregon for a few years would be ok with her.  

I will miss her so much when she's gone, but it will also be liberating.  We love each other deeply now, but also hold each other hostage.  

I'm not leaving sooner than maybe 2023 because sheesh I'm tired of moving, and also I have things to do.  Work is weird but I finally spoke with someone to give direction and I will be able to do good things.  And if I know I'm leaving in 20 months or so, I can put up with nonsense better.  It's a weird gig but a week in and I haven't started checking work email at home yet, so maybe I will keep boundaries better to have a real life.  It's weird but it's also exactly what I'm good at doing and also I'll learn more things so it's actually a super good fit - and also the stresses of my last job that provoked my heart issues do not exist.  It will still have stresses, but not the same, not the moments that make me have a frightening anxiety attack and arrhythmias.  And I have a beautiful view from my window, looking out at a body of water that is calming, and if I go out a back exit near my office I have a short little walk in nature - which I'll enjoy more once summer is over.  

Lord I will not miss summers in Louisiana.  

Oh, and I need to finish my PhD before I leave.  Ida threw a monkey wrench in my carefully laid plans but I'll get back on it.  

not spending $40,000

 Analysis is this: do I stay or do I go?

I pay $3,200 in insurance each year BECAUSE IT'S EXPECTED THAT WE GET HIT BY STORMS.  What kind of craziness is this?  We're super lucky the levees held and all that, but aren't there places to go less ... hazardous?  My last house's insurance was $345.  

I'm getting pummeled by one-two punches.  I got a quote to install solar with battery to get through the power outages, and ... over $40,000.  Even if I had that kind of money I wouldn't spend it because the solar panels would never pay for themselves for me.  i don't use much electricity compared to other people, and I'm tightening the gaps even more, so it would take over 30 years to breakeven and how crazy rich do I look?  

And then our mayor suggested we all haul our own trash.  You know the putrid mess that's been sitting curbside since before the storm because they rarely pick up garbage because they pay their people so very poorly, we should three weeks later put the rotting stinky awfulness in our vehicles and wait in long lines with that in our cars so that we can haul it for them?

My friends came unglued.  This is worse than watching our rusted out transmission tower crumble and fall into the Mississippi River, leaving us powerless for weeks. 

I look at my ceilings and windows, both still allowing water into my house for tropical storm Nicholas, and I'm feeling kind of done.  I'm shallow and what's my real reason for being here? Friends, the deeper story to everything, the feeling of home I don't have anywhere else, even the place where I was born and spent 18 years.  My BFF says I make friends so easily, but that doesn't feel true.  It feels harder and harder to make friends as an adult - except here.  Here it's so easy.  

I love here.  I love it tremendously.  But it feels so wasteful to live here and sometimes so draining.

I actually feel ok right now.  I actually feel good.  tonight, for the first time in ages, I feel good.  What a relief.

But if not here, then where?

friend from St. Louis came and helped me work this weekend, and he votes for there.  friend in Oregon votes for there.  Others talk of Memphis, or North Carolina (where I have a beloved friend).  I don't want to go alone and blind anymore - I want a connection.

I look around, and I can get rid of almost all of these possessions.  I can travel light.  

So the goal is in two years.  Financial benefits to that.  

We'll see.

another first day

 Had another first day at my job and still have no internet access due to various issues, and so I'm about out of things to do.  I do quite appreciate only working 7 hours.  I also appreciate the woman who sits at the front desk who says, "You have a good one, my baby," on my way into work.  I'm so tired it made me tear up.  OR the janitor who cleaned my desktop again because it had gotten dirty before I moved in.  Or the two men who spoke to me in hushed tones with all the advice I need to succeed there - who not to be too open with (the gossip, another man), how to keep my head down and not feel pressure.  Honestly, I can't ever think of men pulling me to the side like this and trying to get me on the right foot.  My direct supervisor said, "You are really fitting in well," and honestly I think it's because I'm so tired and unable to do anything, and a Gringa Lite is really what this situation - like most situations - calls for.  I'm a lot when all pistons are firing - I can tackle rather insurmountable challenges and make magic happen, but that means when I'm not fully challenged I spin myself into a rut.  So while I did not want to start this job exhausted and drained and stressed out, I am, and maybe that's fine.  

It's not that she says "baby," it's that she says "my baby."  And she treats me - and all of us - that way.  She looks out for us.  It's sweet. 

Ida recovery recap

Two weeks ago at this time, Ida was starting to wind down. It's been a funny recovery that I will want to remember.

The day after the storm I walked to check on a friend's house and a teenager I was tasked with checking on, and there were trees down but nothing extreme. People started cleaning up right away. One or two days after the storm, I was at Lowe's which was open. There was also a three hour wait to get in so I didn't make it, but when I saw trucks delivering goods I knew we would be fine. Some gas stations opened right away with very long lines; many of us knew to conserve gasoline. It was at least a week before the gas lines dwindled. I saw plenty of supply trucks but I think the demand was higher than ever because of generators and hoarding mentality.  Grocery stores followed, but they're still short on perishables. 

It was days before there was a cooling center open and even longer for evacuation assistance to start; at least ten elders died of the post-storm heat and that is shameful to our leaders. National Guard rolled in right away along with private security, and they were very happy to unprofessionally run around with guns but not provide much assistance. A week after the storm, a site was set up near me to distribute MREs, ice, and water; there were also hoarding issues there (hoarding ice turns it into water, and that is better than sharing with people how?). Despite vastly exaggerated incidents and mass assumptions that there would be looting, the city was calm. A huge part of that was thanks to mutual aid superheroes who immediately jumped into action with meeting people's needs.

I am appalled that our military rolls into town to guard stuff and not to help people dying of heat.

I am delighted that the levees held, and an Army Corps guy called today to confirm that I want a "blue roof." They're my favorite military right now.

I never want to eat another MRE and so I am building up my food supply but not to the point of hoarding. Went to Trader Joe's today for a few things, where employees tell me that customers are rolling in like they're stocking their freezer, their deep freezer, and a UHaul. People, you do not have to buy out whole stores today. Take a beat. Stop hoarding.

Also building up my supplies. Some things had been lost between here and up north, and I do need some more things like fans that work without electricity and a functioning camp stove.  At my new job, my supervisor says, "Look, we choose to live here, we have to be prepared.  I have a bucket of flashlights, I've got everything we need." 

a different kind of on-call

 I have shed a thousand tears or more over the past two weeks.  People's kindnesses to each other make me weep with joy.  And there has been so much of this.  New Orleans is an amazing community.  

I am also a little overcome by receiving a paycheck for my first week of work.  I was scheduled to start 8/30, which of course was the immediate aftermath of Ida when I had not even cell service.  Things have been coming up day by day, but that week of 8/30 was survival at a basic level.  Nobody went to work except emergency services.  

That I just got paid for that week even though I hadn't ever shown up is astounding to me in this grabby-grabby capitalism world.  I feel taken care of, at least a little.  Happy birthday to me.  

The pay is not great.  I am officially of modest means.  It's half what I made at my last job, and while I live a frugal life there are catastrophes to deal with that take a lot of money.  

But being paid right now is a very meaningful gesture.  

I still don't know if I am supposed to go to work today, so I'm sitting close to home and ready to go in if called.  Doing some very necessary cleaning.  But at some point I will go do some errands because it's amazing outside.  There will be hammock time.   I have a friend coming to visit on Saturday so I want the guest room all cleared out for him, and then I will list it as available for a roommate - people are desperate for housing right now with so many properties destroyed.  And I need to desperately clean downstairs, the garages are a horrible mess.

This is a day. 

people who aggravate me

 "We are all tired now."  Really?  You who stayed in my friend's AirBnB cottage for free until electricity returned to your house?  You're 20 years younger than me with no health conditions?  You think you're tired?

"This is so traumatizing to be evacuated for two weeks."  Really?  You have always evacuated for every storm and had nice little vacations that you post about.  New Orleans is fine and you can return but you choose not to.  Not sure we use trauma in the same way.  I'd use it for the guy I spoke with today who saved people from Katrina floodwaters on a jetski. 

aftermath of Ida

 Well.

Here I am again.  Hello, friends.

Hurricane Ida was a major storm and I'm glad I stayed for it because I was able to mitigate damages.  I have a roof that needs replacement (currently tarped), ceilings needing replacement (very stained and I'm working very hard to keep mold from forming), possibly walls (I want to see once the ceilings are removed), attic reinsulated, window seals fixed, some siding replaced.  That's mostly it.  Could have been way worse.  I spent the storm trying to stop water from flooding in around every window and door, and ran out at one point to grab a portable latrine that SHOULD have been secured at a construction site from ramming into my carport. 

So very very very fucking lucky that the levees held.  We're not still under water, so that is massive.  My street didn't have any bit of flooding which is amazing.  That wind was crazy though. 

New Orleans as a whole got quite lucky, but nothing like a natural disaster to amplify our society's gross inequities and starve poor people.  I'm so in love with all the people hustling with mutual aid to save lives in many ways.  

Areas to the south of us fared far worse, and I went to the Town of Jean Lafitte to deliver supplies and was struck by all the devastation - from collapsed houses to piles of debris to layers of mud over everything.  It's hard times for many people and so proud of my mutual aid people for pivoting to meet needs there.

I went ten days without electricity, in the last 8% or so of people to get it back.  I was stressed about the mold remediation - how do I stop my damp ceilings from becoming a black mold disaster without climate control, fans, dehumidifiers?  Well, I kept everything open to air out (which led to indoor flooding with an unexpected storm when I was out of the house ... more fun cleanup) and I sprayed a whole lot of Concrobium.  Since getting electricity back last night I've had dehumidifier and fans and AC running full force, keeping a close eye on humidity levels which are dropping.  

About two minutes after I got power back last night, I got a text from my new job telling me to report to work this morning at 8:30.  So exhausted me did ... to discover the people I report to weren't there and there was no AC in the building.  Security tried to help but HR won't return my call or messages, and since it would be my first day I have no idea where is my office and have no access to it anyway.  So ... sent an email for documentation and then came home where I'm getting ready to order things to prepare better for the next storm.  I really want fans, for example.  There's no damn air flow in my house, and I spent ten days sleeping on a tile floor by the windows with best air flow capacity, and next time I want to sleep in my bed, because even if it's hot if there's a fan that surely does help.  Outside is impossible because of generators run by neighbors, which is a rant I'm too tired to start right now.  

I am absolutely exhausted but need to rally to prepare for the next storm.  When I still had no power and didnt know when I would (as they had already missed the expected date), I ordered a solar generator which is expensive AF but could be a game changer for me.  My amazing neighbor so graciously shared a line from his generator which kept my refrigerator going and phone charged, but I never knew when it would go out and I didn't want to impose.  With my own generator and better equipment, I'll have better lights and fans, and I can also offer charging to others.  Plus, solar.  Way better than the noisy stinky dangerous fossil fuel generators.  Expensive AF but as a leap of faith - FEMA says they're reimbursing up to $800 for generators and they don't exclude solar, so maybe that will apply.  And, my job is paying me for last week since I was supposed to start August 30.  I didn't think they would, but they are, and I'm very grateful.  So, maybe it'll be ok.  And if it's not ok, I'll return it within 30 days and figure out other options.  

What I really want is solar panels with battery backup to run my house in times when electrical grid collapses like what just happened.  Several people were living this reality and I'm extremely intrigued.  If I have to replace my roof anyway, then why not make it solid enough for solar panels and be poised in case the state tax credit comes back, or other incentives that make solarization affordable?  

This is time to really decide if I'm here or not.  Am I going to put in expensive house infrastructure that will make it better for me for the next 20 years or so, or am I going to put up a roof that is ok and let it be and plan to bail within five years?  New Orleans is not a place for old people - at leas ten people have died here after this storm because of extreme heat and no power.  Numerous elderly people died when taken from area nursing homes here and evacuated to a warehouse and neglected.  When I am 73 I will not have the ability to run out in a CAT3 storm to grab a portalet and throw it into the hurricane wrath in a different direction.  Even the things that I did have deeply exhausted me and I need to sleep for a month.  

So, I have a lot of thinking to do.  Need to hear from insurance and roofers and everyone and see what's possible and what I will do.  

Not making decisions this moment though because my hurricane brain is real.

We're here.  We were lucky.  We'll be ok.