we are weary elderly ladies

 We worked on the woodshed today and holy fuck that was exhausting.  All the hauling around of heavy things, the cutting, the figuring, the holding, the screwing in of lag bolts - all the things.  I walked over 13,000 steps today, and my feet are killing me.  Worst I've felt in awhile.  

Maybe that pain is amplified from the junk food.  That trend continued today with fish and chips for lunch.  funny how my glucose didn't spike at all from that meal, though of course it wasn't healthy at all.  

I finally called it quits after two hailstorms and as it was getting dark.  Friend really wanted to finish all the posts, but I have concerns about how true they are and if they have to be redone, and I didn't want to fuss further.  I hope they'll be fine.  Once we finish the posts, the next steps are easy peasy - just a lot of cuts and screwing ons.  No more lag bolts or 60# posts to manage, just a heap of 2x4s.  I ordered the roofing on-line because they had it already cut to length so that saved me the hassle of transporting too-long sheets and of having to buy and figure out the right blade for the saw.  I'm still not 100% how I'll make the roof work, but I'll give it a go.  I'll get the materials in a couple of weeks, so that will be good timing to finish it all up.  Then I'll be able to move the firewood and do the native bulb planting hopefully by the end of January, which I think will still be ok.  And then I'll be able to turn my attention to what I'm going to plant in the garden this year and then building up soil to do so.  This year's beds are full of fava beans and garlic, which I can't harvest until mid-summer, so I'll need to put in new plots for cabbage and greens and beans and all the things.  

This morning I was making yogurt, as I do every two weeks or so, and I was thinking about the routines.  How tedious it can be, all these things that have to be done over and over and over.  The laundry, the cooking, the dishes, the sourdough making, the yogurt making, the cleaning.  And the larger routines over seasons, like gardening.  And while these routines can be so tedious, they may also be the skeleton upon which our muscles and flesh are held up. 

no change

 The scale reports my weight as the same today as a week ago.  

That's a relief.  I've been eating things I normally don't to check how my body handles the blood sugar - but also tbh, I've gotten tired of eating such things.  

The worst offender so far was orange chicken and kung pao chicken with fried rice at Panda Express.  That spiked me up to above 150, and then there were spikes up and down and a hypoglycemic alert (or three) in the night.  Noted.

The past two nights I haven't had a hypoglycemic alert, which is nice to not be jolted awake with a screaming phone that YOU ARE ABOUT TO DIE.  I'm not about to die.  I'm not diabetic.  My body stabilizes.  Before that, I had exercised at about 8 pm, and had an alert.  The past two nights I had something to eat a little later than I usually do (like cottage cheese or a meat stick or nuts) and didn't exercise late.  That's the advice I'd seen on nocturnal hypoglycemia and it seems to work - my glucose levels have been remarkably steady through the night with those things, not the spikes and valleys from when I first got the monitor on.  

Anyway, we're off to walk, and then Friend is coming over to help me start building the woodshed.  Hopefully we get some good progress before heavy rains hit.  I really want to get this built so I can move the wood into it and then plant the bulbs and potted plants that are waiting to go into the ground.  Until the structure is erected and the woodpile gone, I cannot really determine where things should go - plus I don't want to plant things where they will be trampled as we're building.  So, that's my rush there.  It's going to be tough to be out of my house for a few weeks; I anticipate we'll be coming back on weekends to work.  I have some things that make sense to do when I'm out - like hanging curtain rods and repairing paint issues.  The painters that I paid a lot of money to before I moved in did a really nice job repairing in the garage, which was a huge job, but it seems like they ran out of steam and there are spots in the rest of my house that are not so great.  I'm not planning to fix everything, but a few spots could use it for sure.  Plus, i plan to go out of town one weekend, at least for errands and possibly to see friends.  So, it won't really be that bad to be out of my house, and it will be wonderful to have a beautiful new bathroom (with a fancy heated bidet toilet), so I need to just suck it up.

The dog knows it's Sunday, walk day, and is adamant that I need to stop being so lazy, so here we go.  

small victory

 Does anyone else struggle with basic business things?  Like appointments and such?

Well, I opened a new bank account today (in person because on-line wasn't working) and I have to give myself a gold star for making that happen.  Afterwards I somehow got a notice to return for some appointment and I was like, "Oh no.  We are done and I will never see you again."

I've had the same credit union account since approximately 1989.  But I also get other bank accounts when it makes sense.  Like, I got a flyer in the mail offering me $800 to open a bank account at a bank right by my workplace.  Um, yes.  I can get free $800.  That's a lot of money right there.  Even the clerk was like, "Whoa, this is way better terms than I usually see."  Yes, indeed.  That's why I'm here.  Let's get to it.  

and I think that I may split my direct deposits so that spending cash goes there for bills, and saving money goes straight into a high-interest savings account.  I've never done that before - I'm very disciplined about spending what to budget and moving to savings - but why not?  I can.  My payroll person is really great. 

I just finished logging all my food for the day.  Also a gold star.  There was junk food for sure, like Costco pizza.  I'm enjoying this little experiment with my glucose monitor, but I'm still holding back from going all out, and I'm looking forward to tightening up the diet again.  My glucose stayed pretty level today, despite the alarm blaring twice in the night that my blood sugar was so low I would die.  Spoiler: I did not die. 

So, I'm pretty disappointed with the effect on my temperature post-insulation.  If anything, it feels like it has more chilly drafts.  So, that's disappointing.  It feels like my heater is blowing cold air - it's not, but it feels like it.  My expectations were probably too high - because I never turn my thermostat above 65, so what exactly was I expecting?  But, at least I got some venting up to code.  

I'm feeling bored with TV, so I've got a book out.  The dog will not give me any space - wherever I go, she has to sit right beside me, which isn't the most comfortable.  But she's snoring now, so I can curl up with the book and a blanket on the other couch.  Maybe I'll make some tea.  

Oof, if I could capture some of my youthful activities, that would be great.  I used to do so many hobbies.  And I don't want all again, but it would be nice for more to do in winter months when I'm not garden-focused.  

It won't be long until I have to move out for renovations, so I'm not getting anything started until after that.  And what do I want to do?  I've started wearing again the big Icelandic sweater I knitted in 1994.  I don't need another sweater.  I used to crochet a lot but I don't care for how that looks.  I used to quilt a lot but I sort of lost interest and the arthritis makes the needlework hard.  I do have one or two more quilts to finish, though.  I can do that when I'm back in the house.  Anyway, to reading. 

one more thing done!

 Insulation got done today!  Woot woot!  It only took them like 3.5 hours for everything - replacing the shoddy venting with hard piping, putting in baffles, and blowing it in.  To be honest, I haven't gone up to check yet; they took pictures they'll send to me and the utility company for my discount.  

Next step is to put down some plywood to store things up there.  Yay.  

OK, yes, I know it's ridiculous to have to store things up there.  I'm a one-person household in a three bedroom house.  I should have way more storage than I need.  And I do.  But there are still some things that I just want to tuck up and away until it's time for me to move again, to free up the easily accessible storage spaces.  So, yeah.  Indulgent, I know, but it might make a future buyer happy that it's already all done.  

And my house should feel cozier.  That's exciting.  It wasn't that bad, but it will still be nice. 

This inspires me so I'm cleaning up my paint mess and such.  I was going to hang pegboard now and start sorting my tools to hang, but I'm going to wait on that until after the bathroom renovations.  More than once, my favorite hand tools have disappeared.  I don't even think the contractors meant to - they'd just grab my screwdriver as more convenient and it would end up in their bag.  So, I can hang the pegboard, but the tools will wait.  And I'm fixated on getting my woodshed going.  I think I'll take a long lunch tomorrow to buy lumber.  

I still have not dealt with my inappropriate supervisor who enraged me with her toxic positivity and trying to blame me for her poor leadership.  And I think I need to be more strategic than the nuclear option I had planned.  While that may make me feel better and teach her things she needs to know, the fall out could be detrimental to me.  I do not want to get fired.  I want to more effectively push back when she assigns inappropriate things to me that cause my stress levels to rise, but I've figured out a lot now after almost two years.  I do not want to start again somewhere else.  I still want this to be my last job that I have to work - I will likely do another job afterwards, but it will be because I want to, not because I am financially required to.  A third act because I will still be vibrant. I want to stay here because the pay is good - and because of some other benefits.  Excellent health insurance.  Bikability.  Friend.  Sometimes when things aren't busy, I shave my workdays around errands and the like.  And I so do not want to make this dog ever move again.  (She always adjusts to wherever we go, but it is so much stress for me.)  

But I can't just roll over and let her win because she's wrong.  Very very wrong.  Faulty assumptions.  I have to call her out.  But I have to do it in a way that is not going to harm me.  

If I can stay here for five more years, I think that I can be in a good financial position to retire.  I think I need to give up on my dream of early retirement and expect to couch surf my way through my elder years in the same way I could in my youth.  I need resources.  Significant resources.  The more AARP articles I read, the more I recognize that, the more I start actually budgeting things.  Like if I want to go stay for two weeks at Joshua Tree because it's such a magical place, I should budget for an AirBnB.  Years ago when in my early thirties, I went on an ecology class there and camped in the back of my truck.  It was so fucking cold I couldn't sleep, and a classmate whom I had never met before invited me to stay at her home which was fucking amazing.  That is frankly how I have lived my life - stumbling along, with amazing strangers always helping.  And I don't know why my luck wouldn't continue to hold, but I shouldn't count on that.  

Anyway, I need to tread lightly while illuminating her thinking errors.  I need her to get off my fucking back so that I can just work and do what I need to do for myself while continuing to do good work.  I always excel, but she wants to nitpick things that don't matter.  I make her uncomfortable, and I'm fine with that but clearly she's not.  I just need her to move on.  I don't actually give enough of a fuck about this wretched organization to put my effort into improving it.

anyway, time to work. 

and so this is Christmas

 Christmas has always been my least favorite holiday - too frenetic and consumption-oriented, with high expectations never met.  And while I have appreciated the generosity throughout the years of people inviting me to join them, I am happiest when spending it alone.  Or, with dog.  

And so we are.  I'm sipping coffee and plan to take her out for a walk before heavy rains begin.  A bonus walk as she usually only gets it on Sunday (it's a drive to take her out far enough where there are not a lot of other dogs - usually).  Then I plan to go to a diner that I've been wanting to go to for ages, which is open today and not far from me.  I would bike but heavy rains and high winds are forecast and I'm not that dedicated to reducing my fossil fuel consumption.  Then I'll turn my attention to cleaning my house, putting away paint supplies, some other kitchen tasks.  I'll rummage through freezers again to ensure I've got plans to use things up that weren't prepped for long-term storage.  Make some meal plans.  It's been helpful for me to figure out the next five or six things I will cook.   

Yesterday I went to a holiday market and got lunch, and with tip it was nearly $20 for mediocre food (pad thai and green curry that were only a whisper of original recipes), which is quite shocking.  But I realize that's the way it is now, and I do not begrudge people trying to make a living.  I've been relying on my own cooking because it's the only way I know what the ingredients are to keep sugar out, and I need to remain committed to that to keep my budget reasonable.  Fortunately my own cooking is better than most of what I can get here, but I do still want to go out from time to time, and why not on Christmas?  I'll tip well.

It's only about a mile away, this place I intend to go to, which could also be a great walk, but my feet are really at issue.  I had a podiatrist appointment last week and laid out how much I miss being able to walk.  I've realized this has taken a psychological toll for me, to not have the ability to just walk like I have all my life, because of the pain - and also the barrier to walking.  She said whenever I'm ready for surgery, it's time.  I could be ok here because of biking, but I'm looking to years ahead when I leave here to places which are much less bikable.  

I also need to get some better biking gear in terms of visibility - I realized when driving near dusk the other day that it is so hard to see bicyclists, and I've been lax with what I wear and lighting, focusing on the routes I take and not doing it later in the day when possible to avoid.  Time to improve that.  Reduce barriers to better transportation.  Getting hit by a car is not in my plans.  

OK, another plan I really need to put into place is reading more.  I haven't enjoyed it for years though it used to be so enjoyable for me.  I think it will also help with sleeping better if I do that at night.  Plus, I've reached the end of the streaming services - there's nothing else I want to watch on the channels I have.  I've been consuming A LOT of TV and sometimes it's enjoyable but I'm watching more than that.  I need to shift back to reading without pressuring myself to recapture the joy it once gave me.  

OK, coffee is done, time to go walk.  The dog will be certain this is the Best Christmas Ever with that. 

***

Update: I did bike to the diner and I'm glad I did.  The best way to explain how I like biking is how the psychiatrist on Ted Lasso did, about the happiness and freedom.  That is not something I would get in a race or long-distance ride, but on short treks to which I would otherwise have to drive - there is also a power in this, the mobility on my own power.  The requirement of being present in the moment, the watchfulness to be sure I'm not killed.  (Though most drivers here are very cautious of bicyclists, unlike in New Orleans where many had a weird rage they used to justify aggression against bicyclists, as though choosing to/needing to navigate the world on two wheels made inflicting serious injury or death somehow justifiable - like "If you didn't want to be killed, you should have bought a car or stayed home."  I'm not even exaggerating.)  A young friend once reminded me too of the freedom we feel as girls when we have a bike to get around - I used to bike miles to my best friend's house, on a paper route, etc.  The freedom it provides is beautiful. 

The diner itself was about as mediocre as I expected and it was very busy and the waitstaff not very skilled.  It was fine, I still tipped well.  

People are very weird here about not just saying "Merry Christmas" as though somebody would be offended.  It's so weird here. 

 

CGM

Yesterday I had a Libre 2 continuous glucose monitor put on the back of my arm, and this is not the experience I was expecting.

There are hardset alarms if it reads your blood glucose is below 55 mg/dl.  Three times (or was it four?) that horrible alarm blared at me until I scanned with my phone.  It confirmed 53 or 54, and then waited to scream again.  I was already struggling to sleep and that is the last thing that I needed.  And it would go from 54 to 30 minutes later 112 (wake-up glucose spike) when of course I haven't eaten in 10 or more hours.  It's all over the place.  I'd think that's just normal except for the screaming siren in the middle of the night. 

I'm researching what causes that because I cannot live like that, unable to sleep.  I am not diabetic - I am wearing this to better understand my own glucose readings on a regular basis to better regulate spikes, etc.  Other than these bizarrely low readings, everything else is normal.  I ate an ice cream sundae to see how it responded and it didn't go above 120 at the spike two hours later and then regulated again normally.  

I think it may be a faulty monitor, or I put pressure on it with sleep position which I read can give false reading.  I can of course just turn off my phone, but that means I won't be able to use the Calm app to help fall asleep, and my Fitbit isn't recording data.  I may give it one more night and then if I can't figure out a workaround I'll have to turn it off until I remove the CGM (two weeks later).  I usually never sleep with my phone near me; I only do now because of the Calm app, and now the CGM.

Now I'm drinking coffee with half and half, at a stable 90 mg/dl.  I thought the device scanned directly to the phone, but apparently I have to manually hold them together to get a reading (which doesn't make sense to me because how am I getting alarms if it's not regularly reading it?).  So I'm trying to do it every half hour or so, as the data is interesting how all over the place it is, though usually within fully normal ranges, just with some nocturnal hypoglycemia.  It also is weird about where to hold the phone to scan the device and it doesn't work that well.  

Maybe it was the ice cream at 5:50 pm affecting me with a glucose downward spike?  I dunno.

I'm going to try some other things on my list to check for glucose spikes and other effects.  White rice, oatmeal, bread, bread with cheese, bread with jam, pasta, fruit, no-sugar added muffins, "healthy" sweet potato pie, and the things I eat regularly.  I have two weeks to run everything and see any triggers or problems.  

Anyway, it's Christmas Eve day and I have to work but I refuse to go to the office and I probably won't do much actual work though I'll be on call as always. I stayed up late last night writing a response to my boss who has been bizarrely trying to target me, but I'm probably too sleep-deprived to make final edits today.  It's been a lot of sleep deprivation lately.  

And I will take a lunch break to walk over to an event with food vendors.  Get something tasty, check my glucose.  Looking forward to wrapping up some projects tomorrow, yay.  Oh, should go grocery shopping today if I need anything since all is closed tomorrow. 

little help from a friend

The cabinet above my refrigerator has had crooked doors since I installed it, and honestly I was so tired of the project by the time we did that cabinet - which is so fucking heavy and awkward - that I put off dealing with it.

After almost a year, yesterday was the day.  First coat of paint dryish, and in I went.  And i made it So Much Worse.  It was awful - left door tilting one way and the right the other - very crooked and akimbo with huge gaps. 

I called for reinforcements and Friend headed over.  She made it even worse.  So I started to problem solve what I would need to replace.  We took a level to the surfaces and holes and couldn't figure out the problem.

"You know, that cover panel to the left is slanted because the ceiling - remember when we put that in?"  "Yeah, maybe if the doors weren't lined up to that ..." "Yeah, I tried that."  "Yeah, me too."  "Well, I can always try it again."  And sure as shit, it's slightly better than we started and we're declaring it Good Enough.  

This kitchen was very clearly installed by elderly amateurs with arthritis and bursitis, but it still looks fucking good.  I am proud of this work that we did. 

So, I'll need to scribe and install cover panels as the next step, and then I can move the fridge back and call that area done.  I do not know how to scribe but there are videos on that and Friend has a compass I can borrow. 

I still am completely confused by the filler strips and how I am to do that, but I'll figure it out, and there are steps before that.  Today: any touch-up paint and then thorough clean up and get my kitchen back thank goodness.   But first I need to get the house ready for the electrician to install an outlet behind my toilet, yay!

+1.0

 Scale says I gained a pound over the past week.  This is disheartening because while I was not 100% compliant with the rules, my infractions were relatively minor.  Over the week, it was chicken chow mein one night when I was super hungry, a mini macaron, and a small panettone with less than 23 grams of sugar.  A few days I ate quite little as I wasn't very hungry.  I know my Fitbit isn't accurate with calorie burning, and I wasn't totally compliant with calorie tracking, but based on what I did do, I should have loss, according to the math of normie humans and not someone with a thyroid with a mind of its own. 

So, it is disheartening because I would like to lose about 30 more pounds, and then I would like to stabilize and sometimes eat out and sometimes eat desserts.  It is really limiting to be this restrictive, and while I can do it a while longer, it is not something that I will be successful at if I try to make it forever.  

Maybe it's just a bad week; maybe I'm holding onto a heap of sodium still from eating out.  Who knows.  

But - on Monday I'm getting a glucose monitor and I had planned to spend the time of that monitor eating some foods I currently don't, as a way to track glucose spikes in the real world.  I think the monitor is just for ten days, so how much trouble can I get into with just ten days?  Unfortunately, a fair amount.  I anticipate a weight spike for the next two weeks.  But then my experimentation will be done and I can buckle down again.   

We had a longer than usual walk this morning as there were no stressers at our walk place (though about a million dogs on the way there and back for her to freak out about), and it wasn't raining yet.  So, good start to the day. Now I need to change clothes and paint the kitchen repairs (and other spots).   Then wait about five hours and do it again.  So excited to be almost finished with this step.  When I can move my fridge back, I'll take inventory of the freezer contents to prioritize using things up.  I have some frozen cabbage and greens to use up, so that's on the list.  I took out a jar of pizza sauce that I'd frozen as it didn't seal when canned, and just picked up some pizza dough and took some cheese out of the freezer, so that will happen sooner than later. 

My sourdough is rising super slowly, which is unusual.  But hopefully it will work and I can get bread baking later.

There is a market within walking distance that I may stroll through.  I went when it first opened and was underwhelmed, but I'll try again to see if quality has improved.  There is an artist I saw at one of these things with really great work, but I haven't found him again and I'd like to buy something from him.

I'm reworking woodshed plans to allow for a clear roof with overhang, and I haven't quite figured out the roof framing yet.  These things occupy my brain. 

 

worth it

 These texture touchups are so worth it.  Worth all the hassle, the plastic covering, the mess.  (Such a mess.)  I haven't yet painted (just primed), but it looks soooo much better.  Yay!  Worth giving the time to it.  

As I approach the end of the bulk of my projects, I have to start to wonder - what next?  

Is there anything this community has going on that interests me?

Time will tell.

sense of accomplishment

 I have a very strong need for the satisfaction that comes from a job well done, or at least finished.  I'm not a perfectionist and I don't get hung up on things being perfect - I want them done good enough.  My good enough is probably higher than most people, but it's still usually a reasonable standard.  

With some work projects winding up and new ones not yet launched, I'm able to focus back on my home.  I just put in a very large hardy kiwi.  Frankly I didn't do a great job - it was simply too heavy for me to move around much.  I didn't dig a deep enough hole so I've mounded soil and mulch and it's just going to have to be ok because I'm leaning on the "hardy" part of its name.  This was free from a neighbor, in a pot, several years old, and heavy AF. Probably about 80 pounds, based on my inability to handle it.  But it's in the ground now and it can put roots down and grow.  I put it at the far end of my grape arbor, and we'll see how things go.  These things grow monstrously here so I need a strong support.  I have thoughts of how to train it to be manageable, but we'll see.  I do love a good kiwi, so I'm excited to see if it produces.  I also go the male in but that was a snap.  That is added to my grapes, pears, apples, two types of plums, persimmons, berries.  I like my little food producing city lot.  Just yesterday I made dinner including an apple and dried plums from my backyard.  Good food is good. I've got squash canning right now - it was  lovely kuri squash and I cooked half for dinner but it was quite large and unsure what to do with the other half, I threw it in the canner.  I can use it for feeding the dog, muffins, other things I'm sure.  I could freeze it but I'm trying to clear out my freezer right now, and I have plenty of space for canned goods in my mudroom, and plenty of jars and lids.  

I think I've finished mudding the kitchen repairs.  They will not be perfect, and if somebody is fussy and looks at the corners they will be dismayed, but if that somebody is that dismayed then they can fix it themselves.  I've sponged it and now when it's fully dried, I'll finish masking up the kitchen and then prime, and when it dries I'll spray texture, and then prime again.  Then I'll paint twice.  That'll take a while as there are quite a few other spots to touch up.  Then I have some caulking to do, probably some ceiling paint touchup.  Then that piece of the project will be finished, and on to the next piece.  I'm definitely getting heavy into it - the electrician comes Monday, the insulation installer on Thursday; the following Monday is the quartz countertop templater, and the Monday after that the bathroom remodel is set to begin.  It's exciting to finally be approaching this stage. 

One of the issues I'm having is finding things.  Normally I have things organized and labeled, but because I kept pushing these repairs to later, I left the necessary supplies in places that I wouldn't expect.  I think I give up and am going to just go get a new paint roller.  And probably caulk.  I am SO looking forward to getting the insulation done so I can put things away - from the empty crates I plan to store in the attic now that I have a ladder, to installing pegboard where tools can be easily visible and accessible, to organizing the space left behind by the empty crates to organize repair supplies, to unstacking all the crap I shoved out of the garage into the shop so that it doesn't get in the way of insulators - I'm just excited.  And then when the bathroom remodel is done and I have my 2nd car garage open again and not blocked with vanity, toilet, etc. etc.  I'm just really really excited for the next six weeks or so to be done. 

Oh, maybe I'll bike to the store to buy a paint roller.  That'll make me feel better about the annoyance.  There was a little blue in the sky so I made sure to enjoy it by digging big holes; now it's cloudy and seems likely to rain but hopefully not too bad.  As soon as my pressure canner is ready to have jars removed, I can take off to do that.  Success, not driving my car.  I can mostly avoid all roads to get there, there is just a pretty steep bridge that I struggle with so downshift and go very slowly.  But that's ok.  If anyone wants to judge my lack of biking strength, fuck em. And then I'll be back in time to start sourdough to bake tomorrow.  

Not looking forward to weighing myself tomorrow - on Wednesday I was super active and then on Thursday I was super hungry, so I ended up getting chicken chow mein, and then yesterday a colleague from Italy gave me a mini panettone and I ate it.  It was like 23 grams of sugar (22.8 actually) and I still ate the damn thing.  And I enjoyed it.  So I've still been pretty moderate about my sugar intake but it's been a lot more than usual, and I anticipate that will be reflected on the scale.  

My dog is going through a very needy time and it's a lot.  She's interrupting me now, demanding constant petting. 

looking forward

 I'm obsessed about retirement.  I think about it constantly.  Just yesterday I asked someone in my field for ideas of part-time gigs for after I leave my full-time employment, I told the podiatrist that I wanted guidance on surgery based on the expectation I'd be leaving my job within a few years, and I ran calculators for estimates on savings.  A few days ago I joined AARP and I'm reading all the articles. 

My mortgage was resold and I'm not crazy about the new company because (1) recasting is not free, and (2) they don't have an amortization chart for my loan.  I liked those things from my previous company.  So I'll pivot.  I had planned to recast every time I had a sizable chunk of money, which would make my mortgage payments smaller, and I would be able to save more and pay down more quickly - like a snowball.  I was excited about that and recast once and got even more excited.  But, alas, I'm not paying a fee to do that.  So, I'll look at CDs or other higher-interest possibilities to sock money away until I can pay it off, I guess.  Making higher payments or paying down only reduces the term of the loan now, which is less financially helpful than earning money/reducing interest fees.  

tbh, I think my obsession with retirement is bordering on unhealthy.  More than one late night has been me with calculators forecasting my freedom date.  It's less about actual retirement and more about feeling like I have control over my life.  

I liked the ideas the colleague shared - it made it seem possible to have a third act.  If I can retire in 3 1/2 years, then I'll still be in good enough shape to do something else.  A part-time gig while also doing community work and traveling - that sounds fantastic.  Though, every calculator I run makes it clear that if I can stay in my job for five more years, it pushes me into greater financial security - I could pay off my house and have a solid retirement savings to get me through.  I was astounded to learn that if a woman lives to be 65 then she's pretty likely to live to 90.  That is 30 years of retirement I have to pay for!  Thank you AARP for letting me know now so that I'm not freaking out when I'm 80 years old.  

So of course that means I need to get through five more years, or three and a half, or whatever I need to get through - and that means not losing my job.  So, there's that.  I still need to school my boss who's really bad at her job.  

So, as obsessed as I am about 2029, I need to also get through the next few weeks.  I need to continue to eat healthy and be active, I need to finish my kitchen work, I need to coordinate five different tradespeople, I need to move out so that they can gut and rebuild my bathroom.  In about six weeks, I'm hoping to move back in and very deeply clean.  

And then turn to the next projects of course.  A recent windstorm sheared a chunk of my patio cover off so I need to turn my attention to that sooner than later.  After the patio (which is in bad shape thanks to some bad engineering and rats), and which I don't think will be that expensive to repair, the projects get smaller. Like cleaning and repairs to siding.  Much more manageable.  And that will take a lot of pressure off me, so yay for soon getting past these major projects that have consumed me for over a year. 

passing on sweets

 Twice I was offered chocolate yesterday - one put on my desk with a Christmas card, another when in an office with someone who always gives us treats.  

And both times I easily declined - the first, when I walked it out and dropped it in a candy bowl on another's desk, the other just by not reaching for the offer.

I'm not so arrogant as to believe all my struggles with sugar are over.  I still have many deep-seated happinesses with sugar.  From jam to favorite desserts from around the world (I'm looking at you, knafe in Jordan, bakeries in Germany, etc. etc.), sugar has been the source of or closely related to joy for all of my life.  A treat signifying something special.  

There is also the hassle factor - while I've settled into a life fairly well of low sugar, it requires a high degree of vigilance.  Nearly all home-cooked meals with basic ingredients, a lot of label reading.  And it's not just sugar - I've drastically cut refined grains and seed oils, too.  That means I can basically only eat what I prepare, though I do special treat myself every so often, thinking that it's not that I have to be in a "never ever" mode but just in a greatly diminished consumption mode.

How will I do this when I go back to a life of travel?  I'm unsure.  But I'm not going to worry about that today.  Today I'll just pat myself on the back for setting new habits.  Mostly quietly. The longer I do it, the less i have to explain to anyone.  I just discreetly decline or pass, and if anyone pushes I just say I'm reducing sugar consumption.  It hasn't gone any further than that except with close friends.  Most people don't care and that's fine.  

I do feel better without sugar, going on four months now.  Haven't had brain fog in months - even when I have a sleepless night, I'm usually ok to work.  I still get pain flareups but they seem to be shorter in duration.  

Anyway, I know that I'm self-congratulatory, and I have no shame.  I'm proud of myself for greatly reducing things that harm me. 

trying Calm app

 I did a free week trial of the Calm app, giving myself a few days to find out if it's worth the $70 for a year.  

Yesterday I did a short meditation on stopping my mind spinning, and that actually helped.  Then I couldn't go to sleep again, and I really could not bear three sleepless nights (this is all so unusual for me), and so I got my phone and put on a sleep thing on the app.  I think it was a story, and I thought, "this is ridiculous, I'm paying too much attention and it won't make me sleep," but then I fell asleep pretty fast.  I woke up less than an hour later, probably around the time it finished, and then I played a "go back to sleep" and that worked, though I then woke up a few hours later.  

Still not back to eight hours of sleep ... or seven ... or probably even six.  But it was better!  Just tried the spinning mind thing and it didn't work at all today, tried another meditation and it was gross, did not like AT ALL.  

But there's a lot of content and maybe I just have to curate what I like.  

So, probably worth it. 

I'm still exhausted and my head it pounding, but I got past a huge work stress and now I can breathe for a few weeks, sort of.  I need to rehydrate.  I had lentil shepherds pie that I baked tonight after pretty yesterday, and it was totally worth it.  Took two servings over to the community fridge and still have leftovers for a couple of days.  I ate my rice and beans yesterday and today, so I'm almost out of ideas ... oh wait, salmon and sweet potato medallions and green beans. That will be an excellent dinner tomorrow, just need to pull the fish out of the freezer.  

down 2.2

 Scale says I'm down 2.2 pounds this week, so at least the work stress doesn't have me gaining weight.  

I'm still sleeping for shit.  It's a problem.  At about 2 am I joined AARP with the discount for the Calm app, but I tried some of those things on Calm and it wasn't helpful at all, so not sure I'll actually pay for it.  I'll keep trying.  I know I need to do something like meditate, but I've always found meditation so stressful that I can't stick with it. 

I'm obsessing about my retirement plans - how soon?  Where?  I really do not want to make any moves of any kind until March 2028, for some key financial reasons.  But that's only just over three years away, so it's fair to start planning.  I'm making a list of places abroad but tbh I'm not really pulled that direction (which is weird since I have spent a lot of my adult life abroad).  Once there's no more dog, I'll start visiting places, see if anything clicks.  There are also some domestic communities I'm interested in spending time at, to see if they feel like where I want to be.  

I guess I don't know my goals for retirement, not really.  I don't want the stress of full-time work and I want the means to enjoy life modestly.  I want to be in community with people where we interact and look after each other.  I want to have time and energy to engage actively in volunteerism.  Until quite recently in my life, I've always engaged in volunteering, and I've met many close friends that way.  Which is of course a big concern of mine in retirement - making friends as an adult can be tough and I need mechanisms to provide those opportunities, especially as i will very likely be moving to a new community.  I have moved around so much in my life that I have no real roots.  I mean, I do in New Orleans, but whenever I start to toy with the idea of returning there in retirement I remind myself of the reasons I left.  I have deep, meaningful relationships there, but the older I get the less I want to live in a hurricane zone.  I have deep and meaningful relationships with many people but they are so scattered around.  One very good friend in St. Louis assumes he'll be taking care of me in my old age along with others and that we need to get a compound together - he's sorting out locations.  

Anyway, the closer I get, the more research i need to do, and much of that is on hold until the dog is no more.  So, I fix up this house and yard with an eye to resale, and I enjoy it while I have it.  The next home will probably be a condo or something such, after an extended period of not having a home while I roam about and decide where to land.  

So the AARP subscription seems timely.  And I have shifted my thinking about social security - I'd always planned to hold out to get it at 70 for the higher amount, but maybe it's worth starting at 62 as some friends did and I didn't understand. 

rolling forward

Update: I will not be going full nuclear on my boss.  I will need to meet with her to tell her some hard truths about what a bad manager she is, but it won't be scorched earth.

And I'll get a different team member who is an adult and has a skin tougher than tissue paper.  So I'm getting matched with someone who is close to my age (go Gen X!) and the only Black person in our office.  She's always been super helpful and professional, so we should be fine. 

Oftentimes the worst situations in my life are when I am surrounded by all white people who think that I'm just like them.  I am not.  I've spent almost all of my adult life surrounded by not white people by choice.  I like many white people fine, don't get me wrong.  I'm just not comfortable with the tyrannical Caucasity of it all. 

I did request the only Latina in that position and was denied because of logistics.  But I will continue to rely on her though we're not assigned to each other.  She is so kind to me and so professional that she brings me to tears sometimes.  Like yesterday.  

So, this situation is not resolved but I'm standing down ... a bit.  There's still one more stressful work day ahead that I'll need to prepare for this weekend, but then I get a break from the worst of it for awhile. 

It's now Saturday morning and I've put my Fitbit back on.  I took it off days ago when its was just too much - too much pressure to log food, too much pressure with notifications, and the wristband isn't great with my skin, and I was frustrated with how false the information was reported.  But it's back on.  And while on Thursday I indulged with a Reuben sandwich and a pumpkin bar, I didn't go off the rails.  I was feeling awful so figured to pile on, and sure enough I felt really awful on Friday.  I'll have to work this weekend because I wasn't productive on Friday, but after this weekend I shouldn't have to do that again for awhile so it's ok.  

I got some home improvement things checked off the list and I think I'm pretty much set for that.  I've lined up all the workers, paid all the deposits, and all the materials are stacked in my garage.  I've got an electrician coming to put in an outlet behind the toilet - my coworker gave me heads up that the electrician the contractor used with them wasn't great, so I'll just do it.  Then the attic insulation is getting installed.  Then the countertop installer will come and template them, and he set my mind at ease - he is not making me remove my countertops and sink before he does that, which is great news for me.  I just need to remove everything from the countertops, which is easy peasy.  And then the contractor will start on the bathroom, and they'll coordinate with the plumber and with the bathtub refinisher.  

So hopefully about six weeks from now, I'll be moving back into my house and fancy new bathroom and kitchen.  Oh, I still need to figure out a color.  Anyone have a warm, light blue to recommend?  I have about 30 swatches on my wall right now and I'm undecided. And to clarify, it's not going to be a fancy new bathroom at all - it's just going to be clean and fresh.  With a bidet toilet, of course.  And the kitchen - well, it's a small galley kitchen, not fancy at all.  But I am getting quartz countertops and tile backsplash so that uplevels us a bit.  I'm always looking at resale for this house.  

I was watching a new show on Netflix - No Good Deed, and oy vey, the house and yard are fantastic.  I'd forgotten how much I love that Spanish Mission style of architecture.  And the plants are done so well ... in a way that's making me wonder if I should actually be hiring a landscape architect.  Oh well, too late, almost everything is already in the ground.  And I can figure out my own infilling and such.  I was just really taken with the texture of that garden area. 

I think I'm going to hit Costco today, which is probably a very foolish thing as it will likely be packed, but I want some retail therapy I guess.  I need pecans and snacking nuts and they seem to have the best ones there - heart healthy, not roasted in any seed oil, etc.  Maybe something else fun catches my eye, like clearance gloves. 

Despite the really stressful time, and not food tracking, I feel like I stayed on track overall except the one "treat" day.  I think I've established habits and patterns now - which will require maintenance, but aren't going to get derailed from one off day.  No added sugar, limited refined grains/seed oil. 

I did get sick of my extremely healthy food and dumped a bunch last night, though I'll try again with food prep this weekend.  Salmon, sweet potatoes, green beans, lentil shepherds pie, black beans and brown rice.  Maybe I'll make pizza.  I added to my healthy snack routine with some cottage cheese that I ate with peaches I froze last summer.  Very tasty, nice protein.  Other snacks are Chomps meat sticks, chia pudding (no sugar added), cocoa date pecan balls (also no sugar added), fruit that I dried from my trees.  I would love to go full vegetarian, but I struggle about protein a bit.  I don't want to be one of those Americans obsessed with massive amounts of protein, but it's definitely a lot easier for me to not go for unhealthy choices when I get enough protein.  And enough vegetables. I've been walking past a lot of temptations and I'm satisfied with my choices.  

A friend just texted offering persimmons, which may change up my day, which is also good.  I've been hyperproductive for a minute and some roll with the flow of seasonal produce would be a nice change. I think she picks them at a friend's house not far from me.  I have heaps and I haven't been eating them so they're fuyus getting soft, and I think I can puree them up for muffins and such.  Oh, muffins are another snack/meal replacement I've been enjoying and glad I froze up a bunch - made with fruits and vegetables, whole grains, no added sugars.  I have some blueberry, some banana, and some carrot/apple (which are my favorites).  

OK, it's time to start moving into this day.  I do want to at least get 7,500 steps today.  Probably not up for the rowing machine but could do some qi gong.  I had THE WORST cramps Thursday night - all the way down my legs and into my feet.  I think I was really dehydrated so drank a ton of water and it got better.  But also I could use some more gentle movement and stretching in my life.  

Wow, the Fitbit says my heartrate right now is 68 bpm.  My heart usually goes fast so that's interesting.  A good sign for a relaxing weekend.

well that is better news

Today I avoided all interaction with my boss, which is pretty easy to do actually.  I could go weeks without having any contact with her. That's how it was when I started - for months, actually.  Which is not how to set people up for success, but that's a different rant. 

And while ignoring her, I heard from other official sources that I got a significant pay bump.  Like 10%, and retroactive.  And after taxes, that is about exactly the amount that I was short on my funds to renovate the bathroom!  

And this pay bump goes forward, which moves my timeline forward to paying off house and retiring.  Not a drastic change of course - it's not like I can retire tomorrow.  But it might make the difference between five years and four and a half years.  Maybe.  It's more money, which is the real thing I'm focusing on, even if it's not a million dollars.  

I am aware that I have to deal with my boss, but not today.  Not this week.  Maybe not even next week.  But sometime.  Because she crossed lines and needs to back the fuck up and take that toxic positivity elsewhere. 

bad data in

 Well, the Fitbit isn't at all accurate.  It says I slept about 7.5 hours last night; it was maybe two hours - tops.  I couldn't sleep until I'm certain after 3:30 and likely ]later.  

and it says I burn heaps of calories because my heartrate is high.  Why is my heartrate high?  Because I'm sedentary and stressed AF because of my job.  

I was in my "target heart zone" for 437 minutes today.  I did walk to my car a few times, but that's all the exercise.  My Fitbit thinks I was exercising.  I so was not.  

My boss has crossed some lines and I'm going to have to respond, and I may go nuclear.  I haven't quite decided, but I am done with this shit. 

I"m done with her nonsense, not with the job.  Because I need the fucking job to pay my bills.  Even when it is literally killing me.  One of her crazy things today is some toxic positivity that we are not allowed to show that we're stressed even when we are because it might affect people negatively.  EXCUSE ME.  She wasn't even talking about not openly complaining at work, not showing it to clients - she was saying we have to hide it from coworkers when we're stressed in a stressful environment.  That is some bullshit right there.  I'm not talking about tantruming, I'm talking about politely asking people to finish their parts of projects to meet deadlines.  Polite isn't enough.  Only some Stepford Wives shit will satisfy her. 

I am astounded she could even convince herself that kind of bullshit was appropriate to say.  I've heard her say some other things that were alarming in groups - like that we are supposed to accept when we are told to violate ethical rules - that showed she was drifting from reality.  So I'm about to bring her back to it. 

Of course the worry is that I would lose my job.  And while that will be ok in the future, it's not so long as my dog is still among the living.  Of course worst case scenario, I could move back in with Friend and suffer her tyranny of constant TV and 7:30 pm bedtimes.  I could get a job as a barista.  I could live.  I just really don't want to fucking move again with my dog.  Talk about stress!  

Sunday morning

Finally got the rowing machine assembled and it takes up more space than I'd anticipated somehow.  I'm going to have to move it and the question is where.  It needs to be somewhere that I want to be in, where there is not a barrier to me spending the time in there.  I wanted it in front of the TV but not sure I can do that - but I can put a table with laptop on it.

This ad has been popping up for the Calm app, and it's startling how one of the sounds has such a calming impact by hearing for just 30 seconds or less.  Maybe I want to pay for that app to hear water sounds while rowing.  I've rowed on the water a few times, always in warmer climates, both kayaking alone and dragonboat/canoeing.  Not much, but a bit, and I have enjoyable memories.  

I also do want to do more with flexibility.  And of course I need to add strength training.  I have to take it slow step by slow step or I'll get overwhelmed.

I am very overwhelmed right now with work, but hopefully in a week and a half I'll have a calmer time - just in time for the chaos of strangers ripping apart my house.  I'll be soooo happy to be on the other side of that.  I think I have everything lined up - the insulation people will come just before the end of the year so the tax credit can be this year.  I still need to accept and pay deposit for countertops, but I've been contemplating this for months and I need to just pull the trigger - I have concerns about my lack of interior design skill and I don't want to pay thousands of dollars on renovations with bad style choices, like the quartz countertops.  But I think it's fine and I just need to go with it.  And I already got the three quotes and am going with the least expensive one that is also highly recommended by a colleague and on-line reviews.  I've done the legwork, I just need to pull the trigger.  I still need to choose bathroom color but I think I've got everything else sitting in my garage.  I even bought a new kitchen sink in case I cannot remove the current one without harming it; if I am able to remove without damage then I can return what I bought.  

This will be a busy work day and I need to do some more meal prep.  Oh, it's Sunday, weight day.  Looks like scale says I lost 1.4 pounds the past week.  That's a nice move past a plateau. 

meal planning

 I haven't been eating enough beans lately, which I was reminded of when watching the Netflix series about the blue zones.  That's a common food among the healthy and long-lived, and it should be more of a central focus in my diet.  There are some fun different types grown around here to try. 

So, I'm planning for the week ahead, as it will be a crazy one.  Actually the next two weeks.  This past week, I have been pulling 12-14 hour days, without time to prepare food that requires thought or planning, so super glad I planned and prepared in advance.  I'll hit the farmers market tomorrow before I start to work (yes, on Saturday), and here are things I plan for the next couple of weeks:

• lentil shepherds pie
• winter squash curry (with greens and tofu)
• black beans and rice
• white bean enchiladas
• cabbage with pancetta and noodles
• roasted sweet potatoes, salmon, green beans (that I canned)
• borscht 

I read something really interesting about leftovers that I hadn't known - so long as something is heated up above 160 degrees, the clock restarts on spoilage.  So, I need to eat my enchiladas within about three days (when food sits longer than that, it's hard for me to eat), and if it's not looking good then on day 2 I'll reheat the whole pan again.  Reheat the whole pot of soup, etc.  

Something I'm proud of myself: I actually almost stuck to my meal planning this past week.  I actually cooked the salmon and turnips that I had ready instead of turning to something else.  I ate large portions because I was hungry.  The one "cheat" was when I biked in cold weather, I stopped at my favorite drive-through for a big burrito.  It was waaay greasier than usual, and I kept sopping the grease, but it was tasty and so satisfying.  Worth it.  I'm getting ahead of cravings with having some healthy tasty muffins ready.  I think I'll make some date-cocoa energy balls to take to work.  Oh, and I bought some Chomps (healthier meat sticks for a protein hit).  On the really busy days where I have to be around office the entire day, I've got Friend to stop by to let the dog out and I'm taking food with me for meals.  I'm really struggling to find healthy options so I have to make my own.  I feel ok about this meal plan.  The weak link for me is breakfast - almost everything gives me diarrhea except bread with cheese, which makes it really hard when I cannot work from home in the morning.  I may just have to recognize that's the breakfast I can eat and live with it.  

Things are so crazy at work that my boss on her own said, "I looked at your schedule and there is too much; I'm reassigning these five things."  It's not nearly as helpful as she seems to think it is - I still have to do all the planning for the things, and deal with fallout of anything going wrong.  She maybe saved me five hours of travel and waiting.  But hey, five hours is five hours, so I should take it.  Actually less than that, because other people were going to handle things for me - people I trust more than who it's reassigned to.  Whatever.  I think she's coming from a good place.  I'm just really leery of trusting her because I got fucked with this situation a few months ago - she said this same person would handle something for me, then this person said, "Oh, I'm too busy" and it got dumped back on me later in much worse shape and I had to scramble painfully.  So, I've got trust issues. Big, big trust issues.  

But again, of all the things to complain about, having help with my work isn't something I should gripe about.  

Tonight I'm not working; I'm planning my meals and weekend errands, cleaning and organizing, and hopefully set up the rowing machine that arrived a few days ago but I haven't felt I had time to deal with.  I would like to use it.  The fitbit is definitely showing the patterns when I work - I focus and sit still for long periods.  It buzzes at me and I jump up and run 250 steps and then sit still another hour.  It's not healthy, all this sitting, but it's my job.  And I have to have my job to live.  Which is funny that it's killing me with the stress and sitting still.  The fitbit is not very accurate about a lot of things - it keeps saying I go to sleep much earlier than I go to bed, for example. 

But I do have some hope that I'm on the right track - that I can incorporate more activity in my life and keep a healthy diet.  I did just eat ultraprocessed food for dinner - a ramen pack.  But occasional UP food won't kill me, I just don't need to have it as a regular thing.  

I'm still pretty upset about my last medical provider, but I've always had to rely on myself for my health so nothing new. 

 

doing everything the hard way

 I often laugh at myself, and other do too, about how I always have to do things the hard way.  I want to eat pizza?  Well, in February I'll start seeds indoors and i'll grow them all summer and freeze them and then in November I'll can them into pizza sauce and then I'll make a pizza.  I do this kind of thing all the time.  I would prefer to work on projects any day over "relaxing." 

And you know what?  I'm not totally crazy.

I'm watching a show on Netflix about the blue zones, where people live well and very long.  And the common theme is activity by doing things themselves - gardening food, cooking from scratch, chopping firewood, etc. etc.  

All I can think about is how when I retire, I can be so much healthier.  I'll be moving around doing things, not so stressed and sedentary.  Now of course the trick is to figure out how to live until then. 

downwards

I think my fat is just flowing downwards.

My bra is getting too small - I'm on the smallest row of hooks now, having moved down a couple.  My blouses are exposing too much, as the size of my torso drops girth.  

But my pants?  Two days in a row, they've been tight.  Almost too tight for me to want to wear.  Not uncomfortable, but too skinny pants like.  

Maybe it's just the dryer after six months of always drying outside, but it's striking me as very strange indeed.  

The Fitbit's benefit are encouraging more activity.  I'm only a few days in and I always tire of new things, but it is getting me moving more. 

And I'm realizing that the least healthy thing in my life is my work.  When I go to work, my heart rate elevates.  No activity, but stress response.  I sit still far too much.  When I am home on a weekend, I easily walk 9,000 steps or more, just living. But workdays are tough.  Today I didn't even hit 6,000.  I did get a nice bike ride midday to a meeting, with some good vigorous heart activity, but I rarely get to do that.  

So far.

Next spring, I'm really wanting to push myself to bike further and to be that weirdo at the meeting who shows up with her helmet.  I'll get a new bike if needed.  I've already been gearing up, though I need much better lights.  Maybe even one of those helmets lights.  Today I was coming home at like 3:30 pm and it was already more dusk than I like to ride in.  I don't want barriers to me biking.  I lived in this town with only a bike for years.  Granted, that was over three decades ago and the years have not been kind to me, but I can bike more.  Now the benefit is better bike paths, more protected, and I have the money for good gear.  Back then I was riding an old bike my aunt had given me (how did I even get it here?  Maybe on Greyhound I vaguely remember), and it turns out that the metal was cracked significantly.  Surprised it never gave way on me.  I rode that thing all over town all the time.  My former professor whom I had the massive crush on and who posted photos of us together at Thanksgiving, she did the same.  She had a car, but she was always biking.  She still does.  We had this good life here when we were young on bikes, and I still like it. 

I like it in the way of Sharon on Ted Lasso, NOT in any kind of race or distance.  i like it practical.  

And we have a few more days of dry forecast (it's cold AF, but at least it's not rainy) before the rains come back in force for months and we may not have many breaks.  So I want to do some more biking.

I've worked more than 12 hours the past two days, and while I'm tired I'm also invigorated because I got through some hard things.  I have more hard things ahead, but if I keep pushing, then maybe I won't have to work all the next two weekends.  That would be awesome.  I love weekends off.  

My feet haven't hurt for a few days, which is worth noticing.  Why?  I do not know.  I got new socks, warmer socks.  The cold definitely doesn't help them.  Whatever makes my feet not hurt, I want more of that.

Also missing is the brain fog, and that I think is about the drastic sugar reduction.  I'm really looking forward to the continuous glucose monitor trial to see my glucose spikes to better understand them.  

I'm still crotchety as fuck, but that's the stress of work and pain of age and all that.  My hands also don't hurt right now, but they've been hurting pretty bad for awhile so that's a brief break is all.

cohousing

 I liked this article on NPR as I've been thinking quite a lot about cohousing.  While I very much like my privacy and the accompanying ability to walk around in various states of undress, and I love digging in the ground and making things grow in ample yard, I know that this single family housing is not the end goal for me.  I want to live in a community.  

Plus, as I dug into the profiled one it made me realize some other things, like cost benefits.  If I were to move into a community like that, I would be able to retire earlier.  I would also likely be able to stay in the same place longer and not have to think forward to moving into a retirement community.  Things about a 55+ community are appealing, but I also like being around kids and youth and the chaos they bring as systems disrupters.  

I don't want a quiet retirement - I want to stop working such demanding jobs but I still want to be engaged in the world, not sit on a rocking chair all day.   

Anyway, the sun has come out again, so I'm going to turn off the tomato sauce while I go outside to do some weed pulling.  Months from now, I'll be glad I did.

-.2

 The scale says I lost .2 pounds this week, so I'm officially hovering as it's been three weeks now right around that.  Hopefully the Fitbit and rowing machine will kick that back into gear as I would quite like to lose another 30 pounds.  

Today I have pizza sauce simmering on the stovetop, which I will can.  I love pizza but frozen pizza is an ultraprocessed food, and the pizza that I used to really like is now waaaaay too salty.  I can make a healthier pizza on my own - whole wheat sourdough crust, homemade pizza sauce with negligible sugar, and healthier topping choices.  So, it'll be fun to play with this.  

I would really like more days to this weekend, and it's a bummer that Christmas and New Year fall on a Wednesday this year, so no long weekends.  I'm dreading returning to work because I'm so slammed for the next two weeks or so; long days will be kicking in again. 

I'm really struggling with food tastes.  I roasted cauliflower last night, one of my long-time favorite foods, and it tasted so bad to me.  This year at Thanksgiving I passed on the roasted brussels sprouts, reminding myself that last year they tasted so bad to me and the taste lingered.  These things used to taste really good, so I'm bummed.  There are still plenty of vegetables I do like so I'm not despairing, but still.  It's a bummer.  

So, trying to eat healthily when so many vegetables don't taste good to me anymore - it's a challenge.  Yogurt is being made right now, and I have carrot-apple muffins in the oven to stock up the freezer.  They're not the healthiest things in the world but they're so much better than most other things - no added sugars, limited oil, fruit and vegetables, whole grains, nuts.  They will likely taste great and satisfy my cravings and provide energy.  4 grams of fiber; 5 grams of protein = not bad.  

Food ahead for the week: potato-leek soup.  Braised turnips with greens.  Rice and black beans.  Borscht.  Curried squash. 

more thoughts on Fitbit

 I've now also signed up on myfitnesspal to better track food intake.  We'll see how long I can keep focus.

Early thoughts - 

It's weird to me how Fitbit tracks exercise as a discrete activity.  So like, I have way more minutes for today in the target heartrange, I was active most of the day - but it doesn't count as "exercise" unless I specifically request tracking of something.  For me this is a hangup because I much prefer activity built into my day for a reason.  Is hauling mulch an exercise?  Not unless I request tracking, even though it's clear that I'm physically active when I'm doing it.

So that's weird for me.

Also, myfitnesspal doesn't track added sugars, just sugars.  So, while I was so proud of myself for making some super tasty muffins with no added sugars, the app only tracks the total sugar from the fruits, which makes it seem quite high; ditto for eating persimmons as snacks.  Yes, I understand that fruit is sugar, but ... the rule I'm following is limited added sugar because there is a difference between eating a whole piece of fruit and eating candy.  So I have to track that on my own.

It's good to be measuring things more closely, and so far it looks like I"m eating more fat and less protein than is desirable.