bland food, back to bread

 I've been noticing lately that food does not taste good.  I've noticed it ever since I moved here -  land of Very Bland Food (but good coffee, so I stay) - but it seems worse.  Now I don't even like my own cooking!  I heavily season, I use good ingredients, and yet ... blech.  I'm throwing away a lot of food, like a big batch of rice and beans and the last bit of cabbage dish that I just couldn't make myself eat, and some dessert balls I made, and mulberry jam.  And I offered to give away my marionberry jam and a bunch of frozen blueberries, because the only berries I like now are strawberries.  

Good times.  I feel like a fussy toddler, except I hate all mushy food.  

The one thing I still like is bread.  I bought a whole wheat sourdough the other week, and I need to get back into making my own sourdough but 100% whole wheat which I haven't really done before.  I ordered a bunch of white whole wheat flour which is less fibrous, and I look forward to playing with that, but I also have bags of wheat (red) flour and rye to use up.  

I"m a northern European (23andme says every single ancestor is German or Irish except once Ashkenazi Jew about 300 years ago) and bread is my language, my staff, my foundation.  I go to places and if they are gluten free, I leave.  I like gluten.  I like how bread makes me feel - nourished, satisfied.  One of my happiest memories of the years I spent in Germany was when I was a nanny and every single morning the mother would drive to the nearby bakery and pick up each of us a roll for breakfast, and I got my special order of whole grain with seeds, and every morning I would eat that with butter and cheese and I was good.  The others were all eating nutella or sausages on white bread, but I have always been a whole grain girl.  That's still my go-to breakfast because little is as satisfying as whole grain bread and cheese.  German bread is the absolute best in the world, for any meal.  Don't @ me with oatmeal because that causes a massive glucose spike and ravenous hunger.  Today I had a fried egg and that is also good, but I've been off eggs for a long time, like ever since I didn't have my own chickens. 

I also don't seem to like most of what I've been growing.  I don't care for tomatoes anymore, who knew?  I mean, I know that I'm very allergic to the plants so they're not a lot of fun and maybe I have a little allergic reaction to eating them too?  I made a heap of salsa and canned a bunch, and I've been freezing the San Marzanos and plan to make a big batch of pizza sauce to can.  I think I"ll start making my own pizzas on the regular.  Pizza I could eat every fucking day but only good pizza - most is so greasy and yuck. I've also got all these squashes curing and I don't even like winter squash that much because it's so mushy.  And I"m tired of green beans, which I'm pulling out of the ground soon anyway.  

So I was giving myself a stern talk about maybe I don't need to do so much gardening - I can just go to the farmers market to get good local produce, I don't have to spend so much time and effort growing things myself.  But of the truth is that I like gardening, I like the physical exertion.  I like watching things grow, I like eating them.  I just think my taste buds are off or something.  HOpefully they settle down with this taste aversion nonsense.  You'd think after months of eating virtually no ultraprocessed foods that I'd be good like this, but just the opposite is true - I want UP foods hard.  

But, it's Halloween and I've had no candy this year (except my usual square or two of very dark chocolate), which is pretty great.  Even if I'm kind of becoming a no-sugar asshole.  People trying to have a perfectly pleasant conversation about a heavy sugar food trying to include me, and I just say, "I'm trying to not eat sugar."  Even to people in power who are really just trying to be polite and don't give a fuck. 

one and a half

 Scale says I lost 1.6 pounds this week.  There was no "cheat" this week and I did hard physical labor yesterday, which nudges that number.  

I didn't do a start weight but this is at least 15 pounds down over three months.  I'm hopeful that the slow loss will make this maintainable and that I won't hit an impossible plateau like I have in the past.  

It's frankly hard though to think of the rest of my life without any treats from bakeries and such.  In general the food here sucks, but the bakeries are the one bright spot.  So I don't know how maintainable this is for the future.  I am retooling some things, like made a tasty berry dessert yesterday with 6 grams of sugar per large serving (that was at least two servings of fruit, and no refined grains).  It satisfied the berry dessert craving, which helps stay on track.  I don't want to future trip but if I can keep up the weight loss to a significant level, I don't want to just gain it back.  I want this to last if my whackadoo thyroid is going to allow this.  

the dog is super eager for us to go walk but I'm moving slowly.  Yesterday I hauled a lot of mulch and a free kiwiberry that was heavy AF, so I'm moving slowly.  I also cleared out some garden though have more to go - harvested all the winter squash since we'd had frost, but they're too green so I won't get long-term storage and need to eat and gift.  Picked tomatoes (and have more) and am chucking the plants.  Those plants keep producing and ripening - they couldn't handle the heat but they are definitely going under 50 degrees, but it's time to shift to putting in favas.  The garlic is sprouting which is exciting.  The green tomatoes are in flats, ripening.  I have so many - have been giving them away, and I want to make a large batch of shakshuka which I will freeze in jars to use.  I'm excited about a stuffed winter squash recipe so I'll probably make that today as well.  And haul more mulch before the rain comes back, if I can get my muscles and joints to agree.  

But first, to get dressed and take this impatient dog on the weekly walk she firmly believe she deserves.

I have an upcoming doctor's visit and I will demand A1C and cholesterol tests and the like.  I want to get the A+ of blood tests; it will be nearly four months of living a low-sugar, limited ultraprocessed foods life, and I will have lost around 10% of my body mass, so I better have some really fucking good numbers.  My high triglycerides number from last year scared me even though it didn't my doctor, and when a colleague mentioned her doctor is alarmed that she's nearly pre-diabetic, I checked my numbers and I was inching up nearer the pre-diabetic designation as well.  I don't need any of that shit. 

Truth is, I do not feel fantastically better without sugar and ultraprocessed foods in my life.  The one thing that seems better is less brain fog, though it still happens.  But like I had a horrible headache the other day and that is unusual for me.  Maybe a little less pain, but my arthritis is definitely not gone in hands or feet, and I'm about to demand surgery on my feet because the pain and the fear of pain is making me not walk, and that is not ok.  I can bike a lot here, but I want to spend time in Europe and other places where I rely on walking.  When I cannot do that because of crippling pain and also a locking up, it is a very serious quality of life issue.  So, we'll see what's up. 

little things

 First: Whole Foods still has no firm/extra firm tofu.  WHAT. IS. UP.   I like their store brand better than other options.

Looks like I'm still losing weight.  I keep waiting for the body to kick in as it does to grind it to a screeching halt, but not yet.  Maybe if I keep sneaking by with those .4 pound losses, it'll keep going. Sometimes my brain jumbles things and has me losing a lot more weight than I have, but still: 15 pounds or whatever it is, that's a good on me.  A pair of jeans that was too tight - I'm wearing it today.  Fits like jeggings and I don't care, they're comfortable and not too tight.  

I'm thrilled about an accidental button push.  Last year, to keep my ductless heat on, it just ran constantly.  Never cycling off.  So it's like a fan running constantly without break, and it drove me fucking insane.  But I was fussing around with buttons when I finally turned on my heat last night (it dipped to 32 at night and my dog was so cold she's been sleeping with me, which she does not like to do), and now it cycles on and off.  Not all the way off, not like the fins close, but it stops pushing out warm air and making noise.  I'm fucking delighted.

Overall I'm pretty fucking delighted with the appliances I was able to buy last year.  I feel really fortunate I could afford that.

I'm also tracking a vanity delivery that's got me pretty stressed out - they are going to drop the fucking thing at the curb if I'm not here, and I don't have a delivery window yet, but there are days I'm fully not available.  It weighs 348 pounds.  I hope that's in multiple packages, but I don't know about that - but what I do know is that I cannot move fucking 348 pounds.  My shoulders are already fucked.  So I need to be here when they come, and have vehicles out of the driveway, and ask them to please place it in my garage.  Then I can open boxes and check things and do assembly, moving piece by piece. I'm so fucking grateful - deliriously grateful - to have a garage.  And this vanity is expensive but about half off with this sale, so I didn't want to wait.  Now I just need a good sale on the fancy bidet seat I want to get. 

Yesterday I bought tile; it was on sale and I didn't know if they would run out so I stopped in an also peeped the countertops again that I think I'll get.  156 sq feet of tile.  It's white subway tile which I know is super boring, but it's got a little texture to it and it's matte, so I like it.  I'll use gray grout and I think it'll look really good both in the kitchen as backsplash and in the bathroom surround.  I also ordered flooring, a gray LVT that is sort of stone looking.  It's cheap but I think it'll look fine.  So the steps of the bathroom remodel are that they will basically gut it and remove current faux marble surround, vanity (which I hope can be reused), tiled walls, flooring, mirror, lights, etc.  Then patch spots and resheetrock as necessary, move the sink plumbing over a bit and the shower plumbing up a little bit (probably); I'll get an electrician in to add an outlet behind the toilet, but I think I'm going to totally skip vanity lights and adding another outlet which seemed a good idea but I have zero need for either one, and whoever buys this house down the line can add those things if they want.  Tile surround, install new mirror, paint, install flooring and baseboards, install vanity, install toilet, etc.  When they're totally finished, I bring in a guy to refinish the tub.  And I will have a sparkling new bathroom.  I think I'm going to go with a dusky blue on the walls like Sherwin-Williams Aleutian; with all the white and gray, I think it'll look nice, though I definitely need to get some art to hang to break it up in large spots.  I almost always go with Sherwin Williams sea salt, but I want a warmer hue and not a coastal theme at all (which my last house had).  Oh, and I need to figure out what sort of cabinet I want above the toilet for towels.  I am horrified by the amount of fecal spray when somebody doesn't close the toilet seat, so I want everything contained.  

I just pulled up my old house, the one I sold last year. Good god, I did so much work in there.  The Google maps photo is with it still tarped post-hurricane, and all the native plants so new and little.  In the following year, I did so much work.  The only real regrets I have are (1) that I waited to do things like paint the exterior because it looks so fucking good and I would have enjoyed living with that, and (2) putting up with the assholes who repaired the hurricane damage.  That's why I'm so upset about having workers in my space - that was really awful, what I went through with that.  They were SO. BAD.  But I got through it all and I'm out.  And soon, in a few short months, I will be mostly done with workers in my space. 

another 2/5

Scale says (for what it's worth) that I lost .4 pounds over the past week.  That is a slow pace, but at least I'm not gaining.

The scale says I've lost at least 15 pounds over the past three months but I can't hardly tell a difference in my body size.  

Yesterday was not a good day.  I started off productive and got oil change and more blackout curtains at Costco and hit the farmers market, but then I was in a very foul mood.  The wheelbarrow I just bought has a flat tire and I cannot get the fucking tire off the rim to change the inner tube.  It also does not look like a puncture, it looks like a cut - like the tube was cut before being installed.  I'm no expert, I just got really upset about wasting a Saturday fighting rubber and metal, and i was cursing.  I've ordered tire levers and hopefully it will help but I'm still aggravated.  I borrowed Friend's wheelbarrow to continue the onerous task of distributing 20 yards of woodchips.  

 I just get tired of errands and how little down time I have.  I cannot wait for retirement.  If I were to stay here, I can think of numerous activities and learning experiences I'd like to be involved in.  This is not a bad place to be retired, even if I am very dismissive of the cuisine and personalities here. 

Put another shrub in which took me a bit to decide where, a twinberry that will hopefully attract hummingbirds that I will be able to see out my kitchen window.  I still have a few small backyard plants to put in, but I'd like to do some more clearing and moving things around first.  So I'm pretty much planted for now at least.  There is still a spot in my frontyard that could take a tree, I think.  I'll see how things fill in.  It does feel pretty great to be almost done with that task, after so much research and planning, though now of course I'm on to the next thing which is contemplating propagation.  I gathered and planted gaillardia seeds, as it's one of my favorite plants, so cheery.  Dear Friend wants to plant the green plum that I have, so I'll try to root a branch of that this summer.  

Leaves are falling but it's still warm and sunny and frankly I'm over that.  I'm finding it unpleasant to be outside if over 65 degrees.  The sun hits me hard here.  

I've done a fair bit today but still more to do.  Need to clean and vacuum in the house, move mulch, cook, laundry, set up a new phone.  I always wonder if this is the time I should remove the phone numbers of people I'll never speak to again for one reason or another (they were in a former workplace and we aren't keeping in touch, they are deceased, etc.).  I pulled the plug and made orders for new vanity and flooring.  I'm concerned about the vanity delivery as it's heavy and I need to be here, but it was a good sale on real wood and marble that I wanted to get.  This week I need to go get the tile I like, while it's still on sale; hopefully it's still there.  I think I will go ahead with the white subway tile both for kitchen backsplash and shower surround.  I'm hoping to get the ok on rebate to go ahead with insulation sooner than later.  I signed contract for bathroom contractor and I'm pretty close on the kitchen countertops but I'm a bit overwhelmed with all the steps to take to get them, like removing countertops and sink, unhooking and rehooking everything, getting template so not having kitchen usable for a couple of weeks, before install.  Trying to line up the timing is a bit of headache and the plumber wants to charge more than I expected.  

Work is overwhelming and each day I enjoy it less.  This is always the time when I struggle at jobs, and I'm trying to remember why I've stayed places for longer, and i think those jobs just didn't hit me at this time like these others.  I really need to stay to be able to retire, and then I feel trapped, and I am like a caged wild animal when I feel trapped.  I'm not sure how I'll do this, but I'll do what I have to.

loss

 Throughout this crazy life that I stumble through, I have met some extraordinary people.

And one of them just died.

He is one of the best people that I have ever known.  We are very different and it took us a minute, but once integrity game saw integrity game, we were golden.  He worked so hard, did so much good in the world in so many ways.  Our last emails were anti-racist book and video recommendations, he always signing off "Take Care Friend."  To be called his friend was such an honor.  

I was a better person when we were in close contact because he would push me.  i would be so embarrassed to see him now and say, "Yeah, I've been watching a lot of comedy TV ... can't remember the last time I picked up a book."  I always wanted to learn interesting things to share with him.  

He was such a tremendous human being and so many people will feel his loss deeply.  His loving wife, an exceptional person herself though I know her less well, his successful children, his community. 

And I also feel the loss of him.  I guess I always thought I'd seem him again someday, get back in contact.  

I just watched the morbid news showing footage of response to calls of him being unresponsive and then wheeled out.  My hunch is it was a heart attack or something like that.  He was always so fastidious about his healthy habits.  I guess we can't outrun mortality, but he was way too young for someone who took such good care of himself, as did his wife.  He lived a stressful life but he seemed to have a good handle on it.  He was only ten years older than me.  He had decades more to do with his life, important good things. 

He made the world a better place, and his death makes me incredibly sad. 

the latest batch of woodchips

 I got a huge batch of woodchips (probably about 18 cu yards) a few weeks ago, and they're mostly still sitting on the street.  I need to take care of them, but every time I work with them I feel like crap after.  They are oak and look great, but there is a significant amount of fine dust with them.  I mask up, take my clothes off in the mudroom and shower promptly - but still, I'm coughing up a lung afterwards and my whole body feels a heap of inflammation.  Yesterday I did it towards end of day, just 12 wheelbarrow loads or so, and I feel awful.  Massive headache, joint pain, the works.  

I've also noticed just in general that I cannot handle air pollution.  Last summer there were forest fires, and I was essentially unable to function professionally.  I fucked up badly (actually I didn't, but I looked foolish because my brain wasn't working).  Lately, I've been on a rampage against dust, and the less there is in my house the better I feel.  I have air purifiers running in my living room and bedroom and I'm thinking of getting more.  I need to vacuum and dust more regularly and thoroughly.  

Oh, in addition to the woodchip dust, I also again cleaned the garage of dust.  When the carpenter put in an attic ladder there was of course a significant amount released.  I mean, not a ton, but some.  I just keep cleaning (and he does a good job cleaning too).  He mentioned it might need to be wet mopped and he's not wrong - but I'll wait until after attic insulation install (within hopefully a couple of weeks) since they'll be in there, too.  I think I'm going to agree to the bathroom remodel quote, and I'll ask how they will protect the rest of the house from construction dust (there will be a lot), and I'll probably wrap up rugs, cover furniture, plastic up doors to bedrooms, etc.  And I'll move out (though I'll check in regularly).  (I have a closet that I can lock to put important papers in, and I have no real valuables.  I just need to figure out how to change the code on my doors for workers to have access.  I haven't used a key in years - I love the easy access of the codes.)  After they're done I'll do a very deep clean including washing the curtains.

And then, my ardent hope is that I'm done with all this renovation stuff.  I knew when I bought the house that I would be deep into this for awhile, but I am so eager to be done.  This dust reactivity is pushing that completion eagerness even further.

And as to woodchips - well, this may be my last big batch.  i will have successfully covered everything needing to be covered - in most spots quite deeply.  I think that in spring I may purchase the large woodchips and lightly cover everywhere in them, for aesthetics and because they are not dusty (relatively).  Summer here is so dry, they can help keep the dust down, for when I want to open windows and such.  Speaking of windows, I need to get outside and wash them - I will feel a lot better after I do.  I just seem to struggle with screens and always break them when I try to remove for cleaning, which would be very unfortunate for me here.  

The dog's limp has much improved so we will go out for a walk today, and then I'll try to get some more mulch moved.  Stopping when I'm not feeling ok.  Then more house cleaning and food prep.  I am super struggling to feed myself well.  I have all these vegetables that just need to be prepared, and I've got some kind of barrier.  I have beautiful local beets and potatoes and cabbage (from my garden) to make borscht.  I have lovely celery root to roast.  I have so many sweet potatoes to roast as well, and salmon in the freezer.  I have heaps of tomatoes from my garden.  I have celery leaves with the celeriac to make kusherie (Egyptian lentils).  All of these things are tasty and satisfying and I will feel better if I make and eat them, but I am really struggling.  Maybe I'll get to it today.  Hopefully.  I'll meet up with a friend at an event that I can walk to, and that can keep me motivated to get through tasks.  Though, my feet have been really painful lately.  

I did another really deep dive into finances and expected income, etc.  If I want to stay in this town, I would probably need to work another five years and two months (or more if I face unexpected large expenses) to pay off my house and have sufficient retirement savings.  The problem with that plan is that I hate my job.  I like aspects of what I do, but big picture I am having an existential crisis about being a cog in a problematic machine.  Very problematic. The very least that I need to be here is another 3.5 years, which is probably about the dog's lifespan and will let a lot of the plants I've put in start to be fun.  At that point if the housing market is good, I could look at selling and leaving for someplace less expensive.  I'd probably need to continue to work a few years, at least enough for health insurance and basic expenses.  I could look for another job in this town at that point, but I don't know if I will find something that pays well enough that I can stomach.  I will be about 60 years old then and even if employers don't engage in age discrimination, I do not want to work like a 25 year old.  All I really want to do is retire and not work full time anymore.  I want to leisurely work on projects, get to know the community because I can do things other than work constantly.  There is so much more to life than work and I want to enjoy it.  I want to travel and explore, and I want to do these things sooner than later.  But I also have to continue to earn and save sufficient funds in case I happen to live quite awhile longer.*

Scale says I lost 4/10 of a pound this week.  I'll take it.  I've been eating a lot of cheese, and I found this new chocolate called Blue Stripes.  It uses more of the cocoa bean so there are nutrients in it, and it has low added sugar (3 grams per serving).  It's tasty and satisfying and on sale so I stocked up.  I didn't really avoid the rules of avoiding refined sugar and refined grains and industrial seed oil in terms of not going to the bakery for a treat, and I avoided a lot of Halloween candy and crappy grocery store baked goods that were on offer.  I'm not anticipating that I will completely stop all of those things, but I can be thoughtful in reducing their consumption to what I really want.  

The dog is telling me it's time to head out for her walk, and she's not wrong.  But boy, the more I move around the crappier I feel and my lungs are so irritated.  Fucking dust.  I'll be very glad to finish moving that mountain of dusty oak mulch.  I'm maybe 1/5 of the way done, probably less, and that's counting how much it's shrunk from the composting process.  I do have a deadline of when the street cleaners start up for the leaves, so I'll just suck it up and keep going.  (Oh crap, I just looked it up and I only have like three or four weeks until they come, so I better prioritize this.)  And if I get too sick from it, I'll hire somebody to finish it.  But I'd like to do it myself as a symbol of empowerment or something such.  

*Edited to add: not long after posting this, I read a news story about a crisis requiring my professional expertise in the land I was thinking of returning to (again).  That confirms my commitment to having one more job after this one.  It doesn't pay as well as I earn now but it's fine, and I have a unique expertise because of experiences I've had and also because of my nature.  This was definitely a sign.  I'll have to work out the timeline to not stress myself out too much, but basically after whichever comes later - my dog dies or I've been here five years - I start earnestly looking into these jobs and apply and sell my house and move.  Even if I only do this work for two years - because it is very difficult and draining, and I will be even older - it will be a rewarding way to end my career. 

oh tofu, I'm back and I missed you

 When I lived in this town 30+ years ago, I was pretty much vegetarian.  I was remembering that I was only semi-veg, but I think I was more than that, as when I moved to a very meat-heavy place I got pretty sick as I didn't seem to have the enzymes to digest meat.

Anyway, this is a good place to be vegetarian or vegan, and that's my usual taste.  (Once 30 years ago I visited the midwest and went to the supermarket for tofu and couldn't find it.  "Excuse me, could you tell me where I can find the tofu?"  "In California?" was the employee's response, reminding me that some places are more tofu-friendly than others.)  I've realized that I really do not like bacon or any pork except a small bit of pancetta for flavoring (more than that will very much upset my stomach) or chicken.  I'll still eat beef or game, or unusual things, but I will never ever eat octopus again (it was a favorite food since the first time I had it, but they're too sentient for me to eat).  I consume dairy, eggs, and fish (though I've also not been enjoying fish).  

Twenty or so years ago, I had a massive fibroid (nearly the size of a football - the doctor took polaroids for me to prove it) and as I read up on how to avoid this recurring, reducing soy came through clear.  So I did.  I gave up my beloved tofu and edamame and waited until menopause, when it's not supposed to cause such issues and in fact may even help.

And I'm happy to report that I'm at least a couple of years into menopause now and I don't know if it's the soy I started consuming again or lucky genes, but I never had any issues with it.  I lost my sex drive but that's fine by me and puts me in fewer compromising positions.  And the brain fog I thought might be related seems to evaporate if I stop eating refined sugar/grains - I haven't had any issues in the two months since I've mostly given it up.  I'm sharp as a tack again and I'm glad to be back.

I usually get my tofu at Whole Foods but they have been out for a week.  That's so weird, right?  Like of all the things you would think that Whole Foods would have, it would be tofu.  

Then I saw they have sprouted tofu and super firm tofu at Trader Joe's so I'll go with that.  There's also probably a local producer of it that I can tap into.  

Super firm it was tonight, which i baked with soy sauce/coconut amino acids/nutritional yeast.  Then I sauteed green beans (the last from the garden) with garlic, ginger, and gochugang paste, and I am eating the tofu and beans with some brown rice.  So very yummy and satisfying. 

The other thing is that I need to remember to cook.  My cooking is better than almost any place I've eaten in this town, and it's healthier too.  And cheaper, of course.  It just takes time, ya know?  And daylight is shorter now so I have to choose between working outside after work or cooking dinner.  There's not time for both.  Plus I have a wicked leftover aversion.  I will force myself to eat leftovers twice, but then I'm very done. 

another pound?

 The scale says that I lost another pound, about which I am skeptical.  I ate out a lot this week, had baked goods twice.  I also turned down a lot of sweets, so maybe the scale is giving me encouragement for the declined?  

Weight is weird.  Bodies are weird.  Scales are untrustworthy.

In other news, landscaping continues.  I picked up about 90 more plants yesterday from a dealer who was so nice, and now I'm getting them into the ground.  Curbstrip (which is very long) is about 80% planted, and then I will do the strip along the north side of the fence across the sidewalk from the curbstrip, and then I will put in the shrubs that will go in front of my house.  The sections left then will be around the oaks, where i need to dig some things out as they're coming back after being cut back months ago, and in the backyard.  I got a number of things that want dappled shade and moisture, which they can only get outside my backdoor, where I spend a lot of time and will think to water.  All the other sections need to be drought tolerant.  We live in a weird climate of five months rain almost every day in winter, five months no rain, and then shoulder seasons with some intermittent rain.  We're entering the rainy season so hopefully the plants will start to get well-established with the regular watering which they won't get from me otherwise.  

My dog appears to have hurt her paw and I'm unsure how.  She did stop play to pull something out, but I cannot find a thorn or splinter.  Maybe it's small and I need to keep looking, or maybe she sprained.  I thought she was limping because Friend was limping, as she's done that with me before.  But looks like it's lasting.  I guess no walk today, poor pup.  She only gets one walk per week, where I drive out to a college campus before anyone else is around.  It's still fraught with tension as other dogs could show up, and the drive can involve her seeing other dogs and losing her mind.  

I also need to have time and energy to clean the house and cook.  I think I'll make green beans and tofu again, it's quite tasty.  Oh, and I have leftover shakshuka made with tomatoes from the garden.  I need to pick again as there are quite a few out there getting red.  I'm not sure when we'll get a freeze and I can feel justified in pulling the plants - I was thinking mid-October but now it's looking later.  I'm quite looking forward to pulling the squash plants as they're everywhere that I'm now trying to convert, but there is a lot of good-looking winter squash growing on there.  I saw a pumpkin patch yesterday with the leaves dying back but the pumpkins still on, and it reminded me not to pull too soon even when leaves look crappy.  I'll be very happy for those large squash still out there as I feed myself this winter.  I planted four different types and I look forward to seeing which I like best.  There's a farmers market vendor who has had some good ones that I then planted.  I would be happy to keep shopping at the farmers markets instead of growing my own, but I just cannot help myself.  If I see a plot of land, I itch to plant seeds.  It's an inherited trait from generations of farmers and gardeners. I think especially of my aunt, a farmer's wife with a large garden plot we often picked from when we'd visit.  I also inherited her large body type.  I never saw her eating what would cause her to be large, and the rest of her family was thin, but we likely have an ancient genetic advantage of storing calories.  I don't think I'm as large as she was, and I haven't been found to have diabetes or other issues as she was later in life, and she did still live to be 80.  That's a good long life.  If I live that long, I'll get a decade and a half of retirement which I very much look forward to.

I guess I better tell the dog she's not getting a walk today, which will break her heart.  And then slowly start moving with my shovel and wagon to complete more tasks.  I also of course still have about 18 cubic yards of mulch to move (I got some done but there's plenty more).  I'm really pleased with how well the woodchips suppress the weeds and their longevity.  If I have to top them off every two to three years, and check for weeds every month or so, that's not bad at all.  It's just a lot of work to get set up - A LOT - but then it should be smooth sailing. 

Oh, and attic ladder is installed and some other repairs done, yay.  Now the critical things I'll look at doing when I get through these upcoming big projects are bathroom remodel, insulation in the attic, and finishing the kitchen (my little repairs/finishing touches and then countertops and backsplash).  I'm looking at the to-do list that I made when I bought the house, and I've gotten through so much.  No wonder I'm so tired!  I look forward to enjoying the house without the burden of so many big projects.  I'll always have something going, but total room renovations are a lot, and I don't intend to do those again. 

I've recently developed an aversion to dust - I'm coughing up so much of it.  I mask up when moving mulch, and I clean up construction project dust promptly, but there's just SO MUCH of it.  I probably need to start vacuuming and dusting more often.   

OK, coffee cup is empty, time to move forward with the day.  Starting with closer review of my dog's paw.  Good times.    

no, I am not made of money

 I got a quote to insulate my attic and they wanted me to pay $11,700.  That is an insane amount. 

Here's what makes it more insane: my house is actually not badly insulated.  It is 35 degrees outside and it's still 66 degrees in my house.  I haven't turned on the heat since last March or so.  I open curtains in the day for sunlight to warm (it's still getting up into the 70s) and then try to remember to close them at night to hold the heat.  It was 70 degrees in my house when I went to bed last night, and losing only four degrees of warmth in 10 hours when it's 35 degrees colder outside seems to be holding it pretty well.  I mean, it's not perfect of course.  I removed a shit-ton of insulation from the kitchen when we ripped out the soffits.  I knew then and I know how that I need more insulation.  Plus what's up there is old.

But they want me to spend $3,600 to remove old insulation to perfectly air seal the attic?  Why?  No, thank you.  I am not fucking made of money.  That is ridiculous.  There are federal tax credits and local utility rebates to help out, but that's only for like $2,400.  Because the price I was quoted is insane.  

I really need to turn my attention back to work sooner than later.  I'm hoping the carpenter will wrap up today though maybe tomorrow, and I'm taking off Monday.  I need to get plants planted and mulch mulched and then back to 60 hours per week.  I've fallen behind because each day this week I've had to go out to hardware stores to get things for the carpenter, because I don't want to have to pay him for that time.  But that means I haven't had time to cook or to mulch because days are shorter and I'm working full-time.  So I need him to finish so that I can return to my regularly scheduled life and get shit done.  Looking forward to getting past my rough projects over the next two and a half months, and then I will get a little breather again hopefully.  I may also move out of my house for three weeks for the bathroom renovation, we'll see how those plans go.  

OK, prep for work. The very big boss is coming to town today and I need to be present for at least part of the day, which is problematic because I need to be here with the carpenter.  I'll figure it out, hopefully.  

 

basta

 I'm crying uncle, realizing that I'm in over my head.

I've been trying to do my full-time very difficult job (one of the most demanding I've ever had) AND ALSO landscaping from scratch with all natives in about 6,000 square feet of yard AND ALSO trying to be a carpenter and all the handy trades with repairing my house AND ALSO trying to be a nutritionist and chef to accommodate my new diet.  

It's too much.  I'm ready to snap.

So the Carpenter called and I'm handing a bunch over to him - he'll replace the rotted patio posts, he'll install an attic ladder, he'll finish the kitchen (mostly - I still have counters and backsplash to do), he'll make the mudroom bathroom usable (caulk the huge counter gaps, install mirror and towel bars, etc.), and various other things.  Most of them I can do myself, but when?  With what time and energy?  Because right now I'm in the middle of hauling 20 cubic yards of mulch all the fuck over, and also within the next week I plan to plant about 90 plants that I don't have an actual plan for (just kind of an idea).  And I only have until October 15 before I have to put all my attention back at my job.  

If he can wrap up most of the things on my list like that, then I can take next steps in January or later.  Hopefully I get the bathroom quote soon (he had a "little accident," his wife let me know) and it's reasonable.  I need to go look at less expensive installation options for countertops, or maybe I go with the good one I liked and cut costs elsewhere.  Or just spend all my savings and then some to get things just how I want them and then I get to enjoy this luxury until it's time to move on.  I have to accept that I will spend more on this house than I will sell it for.  That's just how it is - I bought in a high market at a high rate, and I also have all the luxuries that I could ever dream of including being able to bike almost everywhere I need to go.  

And I once I push through all these renovations, I can take time to do other projects without feeling such urgency.