underslept and percolating with excitement

 I woke up earlier than I have in ages, full of excitement about this new job.  First thoughts were remembering what my contact said yesterday, that this director allows for "creativity and autonomy."

I haven't been able to exercise either creativity or autonomy for quite some time, not in any real way.  I have not been able to let myself shine.  Because I am actually a highly competent and effective person who makes shit happen when allowed to do so.  But I am also a survivor who has bill to pay, so I adjust to realities as I have to.

I just made a list of 21 questions that get to the heart of some of the issues.  Some I need to further research to figure out practicality, and many of them I need to speak with people.  Clarifications of roles and such.  I know it's not this organization's strength because they can't even define my role or who I would be working with but ask me to take a leap of faith about it.  Everyone is confused, morale is so low, and there are some easy fixes.  There are also difficult problems that get to the heart of the organization's existence.  Fundamental existential questions.  And I need to jot these down before I get slammed with the grind of getting through the work, to stay focused on my mission as a change agent.  

And I may go back to finish up my PhD, though in a different department that actually has cohorts and sufficient structure to move along.  But I could do the research to help with the job.  

I know that there will be many challenges, including my health and vitality.  I have to rein in my impatience and other negative attributes.  I have a step up from most new jobs because I know many of the players and was asked by people I'll be supervising to apply for the job, I still need to proceed cautiously at first to avoid traps and pitfalls.  

The more I think about it, the more excited I am.  Even my body is excited, getting up early after much too little sleep to forge ahead with the first day of the rest of my life.  And at the risk of being melodramatic, as I look over my life - or at least the past four decades of it - it feels that this is my destiny.  All the interesting things I've fallen into over all the years have prepared me for this.  

And in little ways, too.  Like one of the first questions the leader asked me was about my work with an indigenous tribe.  I explained how as part of my work here I was helping address implicit bias, and then I realized that my biases are not the usual Southern ones, but I definitely have them.  And to address my actual implicit biases, I needed to go back to my hometown and work for the tribe there.  

This is not a story that I tell everyone, and most people don't know what to do with it.  But after my previous job interview NOT ONCE bringing up diversity, equity, and inclusion - I was rolling out the gate with it.  Because I didn't actually give a fuck about this job - I already had that west coast job almost on offer.  I was only applying because people asked me to and I thought well, why not, it'd be interesting to see their hiring process.  

What I didn't expect was any of this - the immediate interview with the top people despite my late application and then a job offer far exceeding my salary expectation.

They expect a lot of me.  The offer makes that very clear.  

I expect a lot of myself.  

I also need to revamp my life.  Fortunately most of the demanding house things are finished, so I can move on to other focus, such as better utilizing my time (less TV) and exercising more for strength and fitness.  

This is fucking exciting.  But I need to sleep more the rest of this weekend to prepare me for all the hard work ahead. 

intell

 Just got off the phone with a guy from a past life who works at the local offer place, and he's just about convinced me to accept the offer.  He makes it sound like a good fit.  He was also able to ID and describe the #1 for me (we triangulated rumors and got there with pretty high confidence), and it sounds like we would be on the same page and work well together. 

We don't know each other well; we have many mutual friends and some interesting similarities (both vehement anti-racists and used to have the same truck though he's long since upgraded and love dogs so fully).  We're also very different and I think he sometimes thinks I'm a bit of an idiot.  He sounded smarter than I remember him being.  I look forward to getting to know each other again.  Actually, now that I think about it, we did used to know each other fairly well.  We'd sometimes walk to our vehicles together and I remember knowing a lot about his interests, and so he probably does mine as well.  And years ago when I was visiting in town we went out to talk about some things.  He's always been helpful.  This is good.  And other people on staff have already been helpful as well.  So this should be good.  

Wow.  I can't believe I'm staying, after all I've gone through to leave. I need to thank the several people who ardently cajoled me to apply for this position.  I never would have done it on my own. 

quelle surprise

 I realized this morning that the local position would likely be at a much lower salary than the west coast job, and while I love this city and want to serve it that I would be able to decline and move on to the next stage of my life with no regrets because I do have to consider my future.  So I coordinated plans with realtor and started to move forward.  

And then I got the offer letter and the salary is more than 50% higher than I expected.  I think it's more than I've ever made before.  It's slightly lower than what I expect to receive from the west coast offer.  And they want an answer by Monday. 

It's real money for a made-up job.  

All my life I've wondered who those people are with connections who get jobs made just for them.   

Me.  That's me.  Though it wasn't connections (though I did list some as references), it was because I so impressed them.  And I think they set the salary this high because of my conversation with the guy yesterday. 

This is kind of blowing my mind.  In my current job, I am constantly chafing against a leader who is so threatened by me that he always tries to minimize me.  I knew he was wrong, and this is proving me right.  I am so glad that I didn't let him knock me down.  Or the previous boss who tried to gaslight me and blow up very minor errors because he resented me pushing him on his implicit biases.   

And while I say "made-up job," it is because it doesn't currently exist.  So can I set it up?  I think that's the expectation.  That is exciting and terrifying, because they also have their own ideas about it which they may not sure until after I don't do what they want.  I know this is a dysfunctional environment.  

But I can make a real difference and be well-compensated at the same time in this city that means so much to me.  And maybe when it turns too toxic, as it will (I guess 16 months, max), maybe there will be that opening back west for me again.  Or something else.  

This is a huge leap of faith and I just may take it.

SURPRISE #2

My student loan discharge is on it final stage.  I don't know when I'll get the official letter, but the amounts are zeroed out, and I just spent an hour on the phone confirming this means what I think it means.  (I had to talk to a manager because everyone else is a trainee and I'm really tired of them trying to guess and give bad information, so I stop that right away and correct them, and if they can't tell me what's on their screen in a helpful way, I ask them to ask their trainer to help them.) 

The timing is bizarre, to have two very good financial news items in one day.   Bizarre good.  

AND ... I went to the interview in my regular schlubby clothes.  I just threw a jacket on top of my thrifted blouse and wearing out pants, with scuffed Blundstones that I wear daily.  THEY ARE NOT GOING TO EXPECT ME TO BE FANCY AT THIS NEW JOB.  They already know I'm not and they still want me.  I'm going to lean into the schoolteacher schtick because it works for me.  (There are many stylish schoolteachers.  I was not one.)  I won't have to get a whole new wardrobe, just a couple new nicer things for special occasions.  

 

fancy pants

 My clothes are starting to break down.  I don't have exactly a capsule wardrobe, but I don't have a lot of clothes that I regularly wear.  Two pair of shoes, six pair of pants (all black), maybe seven blouses to choose from.  IT's the same thing every week, and I'm fine with that. But because they're all on heavy rotation, they break down.  

I got a few "new" blouses from ThredUp (online reused clothing store) recently, and the pants were next on the list.  Yesterday I found black pants at Costco that I think I can wear to work - they have pockets and they're of a material that I think looks professional enough.  I bought a pair and will wear them today for meeting and errands, and if I like them I'll go back to Costco and get more, at $12.97 each.  Or order them online for $19.99 each.  But I know I have to do it quickly or they'll disappear.  I toyed with buying the other patterns, but all of my pants are black and that just makes life so much simpler.  

A woman I know from work (whom I would supervise if I accept the job) wears black pants and black t-shirt every day, and she dresses up with a blazer when she has to.  Every single day.  I appreciate her commitment to the capsule wardrobe.  I am less so, but having all solid black pants sure does make it easy because all my blouses are more colorful.  I like only cotton, flowing.  I cannot stand tight, form-fitting clothing.  There's another woman there who has wonderful fashion sense and dresses fantastically every day, in her tailored clothing on her lovely figure.  I will never be her, but I can respect her.  I choose comfort over style every single time.

So I'm exceedingly interested in these $12.97 Costco pants for being comfortable.  I hate fast fashion, but good used pants that fit have been hard for me to find.

Next on the list is new bras.  It's been years and what I have isn't very supportive anymore.  

 

how to count

 I'm obviously going to obsess about this decision all long weekend.  I have two friend meet-ups planned and I'll belabor it with them as well.  

It's just such a fork in the road for me.  Do I really stay committed to this profoundly flawed city that I love so deeply?  Or do I go to a more secure place for more money?

But I did just realize this flaw in my calculations.  

I have been adjusting for cost of living.  A salary goes much further here because my house is so inexpensive (purchased cheaply, apartment covers half of mortgage), so I was equating lower salary here to be equivalent to higher salary on west coast, where housing will be more than double the cost (probably quadruple).  

But.

I don't plan to live here or there forever.  I don't know where I'll spend retirement but I anticipate extended time traveling (staying with friends around the world) and not having a house.  And when I do have a house again, it doesn't have to be where I make good money - I'd be perfectly happy living in a less expensive place if I find a good one.  

So purchasing a more expensive house and paying on it will actually mean more money when it's time to sell and move on.  

So I should stop making that adjustment and compare apples with apples.  Taxes are higher there, but insurance is much higher here.  And so on. 

 

second offer

 Just got a call, and I'm going to be offered a position locally. But not the position I applied for - instead they are giving that to an internal candidate, and I would be 2nd in command.  

I'm not sure how I feel about this.

He said they were so impressed with me that they really want me on board.  And they are creating a position that didn't exist before, just for me.  I should feel honored, and I am.  I would also get some cover from negativities I anticipate, I might have space to improve my skills, and I could still potentially have great impact.

Potentially.

Who the #1 is really matters.  Is it somebody I want to work with?  That is the big question, and what I told the guy.  I said I need to know who it is and will want to have a conversation with them before I accept any offer, and said I look forward to receiving the formal offer to review. 

Of course the pay also matters.  That goes without saying.  They are creating this position so how valuable do they consider me?  The pay for #1 is what I was looking for; if pay for #2 is much lower then I will have to decline because I have this lucrative offer back west.

On the other hand, my house is not selling, so staying local would be good.  

Oof.  

This adds wrinkles.  

I look forward to comparing the two offers and then making the decision.  

I know the workplace here is dysfunctional - it's atrocious.  But it could also be in the west but I don't know.

Both employers really want me.  I really impressed the leaders of both.  That is nice to hear, TBH.  

For retirement purposes, the job back west is much more advantageous if I stay for five years.  (Not in that one job, but with the very large organization.) 

Oy. 

 

update on offer

 The HR person for the local job is on vacation, but she emailed me back tonight and said she'll speak with the hiring people tomorrow because she knows they were "very impressed" with me.  She'll let me know what she finds out.  (Note: she's not actually the HR person.  She's been pulled into doing that job because they don't have an HR person apparently.  Oof.) 

I also know that staff cornered one of the hiring committee today to ask what's going on.  There were several candidates, most of them internal (which I assume would be their preference) and he wasn't telling.  Maybe he doesn't know.  It's not up to him.  It's a weird hierarchy.  Someone on the staff I don't even know approached and asked me what's up before she cornered him, and then her intel trickled back to me.  

I know if I accept this job that I am walking into being a middle manager in a toxic environment with the worst morale I've ever seen.  It's worse than where I am now.  But I would be mostly in charge of my fiefdom and I would focus my energies on improving that.  And if I can do as well as I think, I will be having significant impact on vulnerable people and making this a better community.  

So maybe it's ego that makes me want it.  Maybe I want to stay because my house isn't selling and I don't feel like driving cross country again.  Or maybe because I know the work substance very well though from a different angle which means I can see bullshit to fix and I do like fixing bullshit.

But maybe also I'll just be relieved to not get it, because it will be hard.  The job back west will be hard too, but I won't be in political crosshairs in an impossible task and my life will be a lot easier because I'll be living with my friend.  She doesn't have a dishwasher but otherwise things are pretty good.  I've lived in that house for years (through much of college) and it's been my home base for decades.  There's a good dog trainer there, good farmer's market, good bakery.  

For me, I think moving west is the best move.  Better for retirement and friends and health and stress. 

But for this city which I love so deeply and which has brought me so much, it would be better for me to stay.  And if the city is willing to let me go by not having this job offered to me, then I will graciously bid adieu.  

on offer

 Got the job on the west coast.  

It was a lovely conversation with the VIP who is "thrilled" that I'd like to join them.  I don't know what she sees in me - must be something in the resume or the references she spoke with, as I was not my glittery self with the interview.  

So I tried to reach out to the local important job to see if there's anything brewing here, but everyone I need to speak with is out until next week because of holidays.  

So, I'll hopefully make a final decision early next week and make my moves.  Either way I'll be giving notice next week and that is fucking awesome.  Those fuckers.  

People are praying for me to get the local job, and while I think I'd rock it, I'll take either one and now I have one, so ... boom.  

This weekend will be all about finishing the apartment.  No moving or staying moves until it's a final decision.  

If I leave, I'll drop my house price significantly, find somebody to maintain the landscaping, leave keys with neighbors and friends to check in (and drip that water if it freezes again).  In addition to hiring a cleaner and haul away of last items (hopefully can donate couch and bed so the dog and I have place to sleep until we drive away).  

Finally.

I'm excited and ready to get past this transition as it's kind of a big one. 

lingering of the pandemic social effects

I've always been the independent sort.  I mean, fiercely and even insanely so.  I own that.  I like my own company, which is even more true with my current dog - whose company I also enjoy, but most people do not.  I've always been a little socially awkward and I've never really enjoyed most social activities.

But this pandemic, man.  It made me lose the few skills I had.

I went to a friend's house today for Christmas.  We've been friends for years.  She used to be my employee, actually.  She's good people.  I like her, I like her husband, and their friends are fine.  But I showed up almost half an hour late, and I almost immediately wanted to flee.  I tried to stay for dessert and games but I had to leave, I just couldn't stay any longer.  Not just mentally - something was up with my gut and I was needing access to my bathroom.  

And part of being so independent, at least for me, is that I'm selfish.  I always make sure to meet my own needs first because I know that nobody else will.  Frankly, I have no idea why I have friends at all, because I'm really selfish.  And self-absorbed.  I think I always have been, but now I realize it more, which in turn makes it worse.  

The last social event I remember being at before the pandemic hit with isolation requirements was a work party at my boss's house.  And I sat on a couch on my phone the whole time.  I didn't want to be there and I was trying to buy a house, so I kept looking things up and barely spoke to people.  I spoke to those people all the fucking time at work, why did I have to go there on a weekend?  And it was icy and so I refused to drive myself, so I was dependent upon my very garrulous coworker and husband for a ride home and oof, I was not good company.

I've always been an asshole.  But I think it's even worse now.  And I'm going to have to make new friends at some point, which is just painful as fuck.  Whether I stay here - because my friends keep moving away - or move, I will need more friends.  And honestly I'm worried because my best friends are older than me.  If they fucking die before me, what the hell am I going to do.  I've been estranged from family for decades and I've always had chosen family, but what if I don't anymore someday.  Their kids love me and consider me an auntie, but I really haven't made the effort to be there for them. 

Fuck.

I should probably talk to somebody, a professional.  Learn how to better ask questions and listen and give a fuck about other people.  Learn how to have more graciousness when doing things I don't want to do.  Learn how to at least not seem like a fucking narcissist. 

long weekend

 Well, it's been days since the big deal interview and I haven't heard anything, so... not keeping my hopes up.  

I did get a background check request for the west coast job, so I guess that is still moving forward.  

I'll take what I get, since everything in play is good, if quite different.  But that local job - I knew it was a real long shot, but man, I could really rock it and make a real difference.  I keep replaying the interview in my head, how much good information I gave them.  If they don't hire me, they are stupid.  I know that I'm a leap of faith hire, but I would actually be fantastic.  I would fix so many things that are fucked up and I would make systems efficient and I would get better funding and I would just rock it.  So hard.  Maybe they're checking references or something, which is rough now because people are off work.

It sucks that it's holiday time now.  To be in limbo with so many days off isn't great.  

Of course, they also may have offered it to somebody else.  The receptionist (who was the first to convince me to apply) said she hadn't heard anything yet, but she wouldn't be the first to know.  

Oh well.  Nothing I can do now.  I'll let everything work out or not and then make steps.  

Had a friend here all week, picking up his daughter for the holidays.  That was nice.  

We're having a big cold snap and it is what it is.  Some plants will be damaged and I'll trim them back and life will go on.  

I wasn't very productive today, though I did make marmalade from calamondins I had to pick before the cold and various other things.  A lot of eating.  Cold makes me want all the carbs. 

interviewlandia

 Finished the big deal job interview.  It was quick (I was out in like 25 minutes), which I'm not sure is good or bad.  It was fine.  I was myself - fast-talking and calling shit out and giving credit where due.  So if they hire me, they know what they get.  By the end of the interview, the big shot was quoting me when I turned the questions back on them, which could be a good sign. I do have a lot of answers about how to fix things that they have neglected, honestly.  And I could do a lot of these things if they put me in charge.  It would be a leap of faith for all of us and I don't know if they'll take it because I'm sure they have easier options than me.  But I would be good.

Example: this morning, one of the people that works there said, "Did you know they're hiring for --- ----?"  I looked at her silently, but later I 'fessed up that I already applied.  She was delighted and said if they make the very good decision to hire me that she would stay.  Honestly, most of the people there are ready to quit.  In the past 15 months I have seen at least three waves pass through.  It's awful.  And I wouldn't be able to fix it all, but I could slow the hemorrhaging.  

I hate being a middle manager and this situation is very difficult.  But I think I could create a little haven where people feel safe enough to stay and do well.  

Hopefully I'll hear back soon.  No question that I would take it if it's offered.  If they offer me a lesser position, I'll have to think about it.  They were nice to me but I know them better than they know that I do.  I pay attention.  

So that is nice to have behind me.  Fingers crossed.  It would honestly be the apex of my career, beyond anything I ever imagined for myself.  And if I don't get it, at least I tried. 

I also got called yesterday for another interview for tomorrow.  It doesn't pay great but people moonlight and I know at least one person who works there who is knowledgeable and helpful.  I tried to talk to her today but she was going in too many directions.  I frankly don't know if I'll take it if offered.  It's a "split the baby" kind of job; no sense of winning.  I like to win.  Not in terms of a contest but in terms of bettering the world. 

Hopefully tomorrow is the last interview and then I get to start making moves.  

Fingers crossed!  I know good things will roll my way; I just have to say yes. 

hot tip

 My latest culinary secret is wild rice and Italian sausage.  I got 3/4# of humanely raised Italian sausage from my local food folks, and I got a big container of wild rice mix at Costco ages ago, and they are elevating everything I'm cooking lately.  The Costco container was so big that I gave heaps of it away and I still have two jars of it left in my cupboard.  It needs an hour to cook so I don't count on it for a quick meal, but it's great to plan ahead with.  Yesterday I made a NYT article with sweet potato and greens and feta and jalapenos, and while it sounded good it was a flop.  I probably put in way too many greens, and they needed more cook time.  The sweet potatoes needed to roast longer to caramelize.  I should have used better feta (the feta I have is fine, but I have been really missing the feta not to American palates, like I used to eat elsewhere in the world, and I plan to swing by an Arab market soon for a big chunk of feta to use regularly on everything).  So anyway, today I sauteed half the sausage, cooked the sweet potato and greens longer, and then added in cooked wild rice.  It was great.  I could eat it twice a day, in the morning with a fried egg.  So there's my hot culinary tip: wild rice.  

I had kind of gotten away from rice but I'll rediscover it; I realized that in West Africa I ate greens nearly every day with rice, and I could get back to that.  I mean, I'll need to pick up some red palm oil and MSG, but I know a source, and I just might.  There's even a newly developed and marketed wonderful high protein low glycemic index white rice from down the road now.  (I got away from rice because I get hungry too quickly again later, because I don't add much fat in my food.)  Louisiana is the garden of eden.  

I did not finish painting the kitchen but I made some progress.  I even removed the hood range to replace.  Doing electrical work in this house is such a hassle because the breakers aren't labeled and despite my gradual labeling, whatever I need to do of course isn't yet marked.  Grrrr.  And going up and down the stairs between electrical panel and apartment ten times is aggravating, which is sort of how everything is going.  I don't have the right tool or something in the way, or whatever.  It just all takes a long time.  I'm excited to get done but the cabinets are going to be a production.  

My big interview is on Tuesday and I need to figure out what I'll wear.  The more I think about this bigwig job that I don't have the qualifications for on paper, the more I realize I would rock that job.  So I'm geared up.  They may already have somebody in mind - I was told that weeks ago by different people - but hey, I'll do the interview and see what happens.  It's like seriously a big deal.  It would change my life, not all in good ways.  I'll definitely be ok if I don't get it, but it's nice to at least get an interview (and they're already running my background check so they plan to hire me for something; sometimes I think I don't have connections but that's not true).  It would be nice to be able to stay here in New Orleans in a job that pays better.  In the alternative I'll move to the west coast when I get the job offer I'm expecting there, but I don't know what to do about selling my house. 

I wonder when I'll feel out from under the weight of my house repairs and pandemic and can socialize again.  I do have a friend coming to stay with me tomorrow for the week, and Christmas dinner plans, so I'm not entirely withdrawn.  But I don't do things I used to, like book club.  If I don't enjoy something, I don't do it.  (With book club, it was a string of shitty books and a friend who just will not stop talking.  That makes it very unenjoyable to me, but I have two other friends who joined - all three I know completely different ways, none of whom do I feel an obligation to spend time with and now they have each other - so I feel no regret.)  It may be time for new activities and new friends.  

Oof.  Yesterday's electricity cost me $8.47 (and that doesn't include the fees that get tacked on, which effectively double our electrical rates).  It wasn't even that cold! (40s/50s)  I kept my house at 62 and the apartment at 60 and then 50 when I wasn't actively working, yet it was still that expensive.  Yikes. My heating is electrical which is always more expensive.  I really need resolution about if I stay or go, so I can insulate the attic and such. 

Saturday morning in December

 Oh how I love the promise of a Saturday morning with no appointments. 

I have milk cooling to make yogurt, I've gotten out quilts that I've been working on for a minute (years, so many years, how amazing it would be to finish them), I will paint the apartment kitchen ceiling and prepare the walls for painting, I will harvest basil and tomatoes before the cold coming (we're forecasted to dip below freezing) and put cilantro in the ground, I will harvest greens to cook, I have a stack of books to start on (Braiding Sweetgrass, Debt, and The Gulf), and I bought a range hood to replace the ugly beat up one with missing filter in the apartment.  Baking bread will wait until next weekend so I have time to monitor the sourdough in the cold kitchen. 

This upcoming cold snap has me really grateful that I have native plants that will be fine.  People fussing about tropicals - I don't understand.  I will need to drip water from faucets at least one night because my pipes are not insulated, and I'll be wishing I'd gone ahead and gotten insulation in my attic.  I will cringe at this month's electricity bill because heating is very expensive, worse than air conditioning.  

I'm really gearing up for the next two weekends, which are four days each.  What a luxury!  I will need them if I'm going to change jobs soon.  My goal is to finish all apartment work by end of next weekend.  I'm not going to have the shower redone after all - it was retiled seven years ago and it looks fine if not fancy.  And I'm not going to replace the cabinets - but I will scrub them and then paint them and put on handles and line surfaces with contact paper.  They'll look fine. 

OK, time to find some warm clothes that I can drip paint on, put the warm milk in the cooler with warm water for six hours, and to get rolling with this day full of promise. 

balls in air

 I got an email back early this morning from the local job I just applied to, saying that my application materials had been received.  I responded by updating my references list to include the other bigwig name to drop.  By this afternoon, I had an interview set up for next week.  An interview for the big job that I didn't think that I was qualified for, but the more I thought about it the more I realized that while I lack the key experience in one area that in all the others I'm excellent.  And she also said that I'd be meeting with the leadership team so they may be considering me for other positions as well.  And she asked for my driver's license and to fill out background check form because she said she wanted to run that right away.

Wow.

UPDATE: WEst Coast still in play.  Their bigwig reached out to me.  Final steps before actual offer.  But fuck, what to do about my house in that case.  

Here's the headline for me: middle-aged woman still employable.  Trust me, it's something to always worry about. 

If I take the west coast job, I will slide into a place where I can stay until retirement.  Lots of different jobs possible once I tire of the stress and travel of the one that works for now.  But if I stay at the local job, it will be short-term and i will likely leave under bad terms.  Most people do.  They all land on their feet (pretty much), but that could affect future employability.  I'm already having to explain myself with the frequent job changing.  Or I'd have to stay here until I retire because people here know how it is.  

Oy.  I look forward to potentially comparing offers.

almost to point of no return

 I've now told two of the top people at my work that I am starting preliminary plans to leave.  They both want me to stay, and I appreciate that, but they also agree to give me a very good reference.  

Something good may come of this.  

We got released early from work today because of severe weather, and I'm hoping to not get hit by a tornado and I'm cozily hunkering down.  Radio on as I roast potatoes and saute a bit of andouille with onion and garlic to cook with cabbage (that I jarred up last year from my garden).  Then I'll cook wild rice and I think I'll saute mirliton with ground turkey for that.  Two different meals to be eating for the next few days.  Working on keeping the portions small.  Even when I halve a recipe, it's still too much food for me.  

I need to head out the way to get some more andouille.  I always use just a little, and it's important that it's from humanely raised animals.  Fortunately I have a good source for that.  Oh, and I might have another source that's more convenient - I'll have to check the farmer's market tomorrow.  Last week I went and the pupusas were very disappointing, but the satsumas are always good.  The strawberries are starting to come in, and come about February when they're abundant I'll probably make some jam.

If I'm here.

I want to put in some more greens.  People are clamoring for my produce.  Today upon request I took pickled okra to a coworker and others wanted some too, but I don't have much more.  I mentioned other things and people wanted to place orders.  I guess I could start charging for things and make more, but as I told them, it's all just seasonal and I got what I got.  One came charging into a meeting the other day crying out how much she needs more elderberry for me, but I didn't process it this year.  

A friend sent me an invitation to a FB group where a woman sells various Jewish foods from her kitchen (bagels and lox, chicken matzo ball soup, etc.).  I wonder if I should develop a side hustle.  Of course that could also take the fun out of it.  But tomorrow I'm taking some marmalade for one of the kind references, and some "cowboy candy" for another who said he thinks he has mason jars to give to me.  

Mostly I just like sharing.  Putting a price on it isn't really comfortable for me.  

I have a heap of frozen bananas in my fridge that I need to decide what to do with.  I was thinking I'd toss them into smoothies, but I don't really do smoothies.  I guess I could.  I always have yogurt to use up.  

If I'd been thinking about it, I should have taken this opportunity of being released early to paint in my apartment - still need to do the kitchen and it's a lot of work with the cabinets.  But no regrets with making some healthy food from things I already have.  I may also make some cranberry muffins - I made cranberry juice last month and I just opened one because I feel a UTI coming on.  It's tasty but now I have these spent cranberries and I think they'd be great in muffins.  

My creasy greens are coming in really nicely and they are a tasty green.  I need to figure out more ways to cook greens so I don't get bored.  My mizuna keeps bolting and I'm getting frustrated with it.  

We didn't get hit by a tornado in my neighborhood and I'm grateful but feeling for those who did.  I didn't even lose power.  I also didn't pay attention, honestly.  I kept being texted alerts and I tuned it out.  Then the loud shrieking came from my phone to indicate tornadoes were touching down nearby.  I guess that's when my friends all took shelter in a closet.  I didn't.  I grew up with tornadoes (summers spent in Kansas, land of tumbleweeds) and I know how horrible they can be but I guess they don't freak me out as much as hurricanes. 

push send

 I had a couple of moments today that really made me stop and think.

A guy who knows the work situation very well said, "You are propping up an evil regime."  I was quite taken aback and responded, "No, I work within the system to make positive change."

But he's not wrong.  Not entirely.  He's been through the meat grinder and he's bitter and burned out now, so he's speaking his truth.

Then a coworker whom I've gotten closer with and knows the office saga and has faced her own bullying there said, "I think you're safe.  I think they're letting it go.  I don't think you have to keep fighting."  

Which made me stop a minute and think: "Do I want to work here?  How much longer can I stand to work here?"

I've known all along how problematic the job is and I stuck with it because it's easy and convenient and the pay has gone up significantly.  

But can I really stay?  Or has it already started to corrupt my soul?  How much more negging can I take?  How much more squandering of my unique skills by mediocre people who try to keep others down?

And so I just did an application for That Job.  The one that also grinds people up and spits them out but will teach me good skills.  And I threw my hat in the ring for the middle manager job there that I'm not really qualified for.  It's past the deadline, but whatever.  Why not.  I've been strongly urged by some people. 

I have to get out.  

And I'm still waiting on the west coast job, and still no house sale movement.  I wanted the west coast job offer to materialize before I took any further action. 

I feel a little dread, nay, significant dread, at returning to a job that expects me to answer the phone after 4 pm.  Oh, it's so much more than that.  

But I'm making moves and as scary as that can be, it's also good.  This place is rotting my soul.  It's past time to go. 

cycle

 I was really gearing up to ride my bike to work today.  Figured out the PSI and got the tires inflated.  Cleaned it up a bit.  Got out the backpack, figured out lunch and how to carry it.  

But then I started to get a bit anxious about not having a quick getaway.  I expect that any day now I will need to stand up to the bullying, and not being able to quickly drive away with all the belongings there at the office made me feel uneasy.

And then there is a news story about a man who was shot to death while bicycling, and a woman rode away on his bike.  I don't think he was probably murdered for his bicycle, but the timing was unfortunate. 

Maybe another day.  

I have a very hard time making myself exercise.  Ever since a few years ago when I started to have the tachycardia episodes, and since exercise makes me feel like crap.  I remember a guy I used to teach with, who would get up at 3:30 every morning for a 2-3 hour workout before a day of teaching.  I was never like that, but I did a marathon and all the training that comes with that.  I've always been a walker and a hiker, but life in New Orleans has made me appreciate flat surfaces.  

Maybe my aversion came earlier than that.  I remember the day Obama was elected so how many years ago was that?  A man tried to sexually assault me as I was going for a walk before work.  Maybe I haven't been too keen on it since then.  But exercise has never made me feel good.  And I got a dog to walk and turns out she's a lunatic and I can't walk her much because our anxiety levels will cause us both to have heart attacks. 

I know most people don't particularly enjoy exercise, but I've always been jealous of the runner's high, of the energy, all the other positive reports.  

I just need to suck it up and make it a habit again.

checking references

 AFter I nudged the possible west coast job yesterday, today they started calling references.  A former mentor gave me a heads up they had called her. 

And so I continue to struggle with the decision to leave or stay.  Today I helped a colleague who works where I toy with working, and it became very clear that I could do that job well.  It is a high stress high turnover job, and I think it doesn't pay great, but the skills I would master.  Oy.  And of course there's this house, which I bought as a long-term investment seven years ago, thinking I could live here until mobility was a problem.  There's a lot of stairs.   But the good of this house is holding it long-term. 

***

Next day: there were potential buyers by no offer (yet).  My realtor keeps giving me details about the buyers and I really do not give a fuck.  That only matters if I'm in a multiple offer situation.  All I care about is if they are writing an offer and if it is reasonable.  

I just checked with my insurance guy and it is VERY hard to get insurance now, and only the insurer of last resort is available and they're jacking up rates.  The quotes potential buyers got would put ONLY INSURANCE at about $550 or more per month, and there are significant deductibles.  Add the cost of taxes and the actual mortgage, and it's too high to buy.  Plus you need a significant savings to cover deductibles and what's not covered by insurance when (not if) hurricanes hit hard.

Fuck.

I knew it was bad - I keep seeing news articles about insurers leaving the state or going out of business.  But this is worse than I knew.  

Insurance guy says my insurance is half that because I'm not trying to get a new policy and also because my credit score is so high.  But selling? I should stop and wait until 2024.

Finally I get some good advice.  Advice I wish my realtor had given to me before I lost my excellent tenant and spent a grand updating a license.  

So.  I'm going to wait to see if I get a job offer and how well it pays.  If it's super good, then I'll consider taking it and dropping my house price so low that an asshole investor will swoop it up and squeeze working class people.  

But I'm definitely leaning towards staying, putting my house on the market in March 2024.  Why?  I could move into the job that will teach me skills for something I want to do after I retire, my landscaping will fill in.  I'll put a few grand more into the house (insurance, hot water heater) but try not to do any big projects.  I'll get a tenant, maybe a roommate.  Keep gardening and producing lots of my own food.  Use more of that food, make it central to my diet.  Focus on my health in general, starting exercise regularly.  Consider joining a nice gym nearby and ride my bike to work more.  Finish all quilting projects.  

***

It's a lovely Sunday and I'm spending the day puttering around the kitchen.  Tamale pie in the slow cooker, just ate pasta with greens and beans.  Moving things I use back out to where they're usable and not shoved back in a closet.  And of course there's another showing on Friday.  Oh well, they can see the house as I actually live in it.  

Getting my bike tires sorted out to ride tomorrow.  

Planning to share food more through the community fridges.  I've done it a little but I want to do more.  I got pretty turned off when I looked at a couple fridges and they were filthy.  But I think what I'll do is take cleaning wipes and a trash bag with me and just plan to spend a little time on that before dropping anything off.  I have some containers now that I can put leftovers in to share (since I often make six servings of things and can only eat thrice at most), and I have productive greens from the garden to share as well.  These fridges are used heavily by people who need them.  I can also use this as an excuse to bake more since I could drop pieces off instead of eating them all.

I've been cooking through what I already have which is always fun.  No going to the store, just using what I got.   

I've been focused so long on renovating my house that so many things fell to the side and I want to get back to them.  Things like alternative transportation and volunteering.  Core values that I ignored while in survival mode (which is what not having a roof did to me; I know other people are more advanced but it threw me hard). 

OF course that kitchen apartment isn't going to be painted without me so I need to clean up my kitchen and then move on in there for a couple of hours.  

It was raining really hard and I really am enjoying just hanging out in my house. 

how to count

 Perhaps because of my extensive academic history, I know that statistics can say different things depending on how you focus them.  It's the same with money.  

How do I set the price to sell my house?  Do I look at comps?  Do I look at the Zillow value estimate?  Do I look at how much I paid for it and have put into it?  Do I then take that figure and tack on a 5% ROI?  Do I consider that I've lived here very inexpensively usually and run the hypo as if I'd had to pay $1,500 mortgage?  

All of that.  And I have some more interest, some more showings, but this supply is just glutted at this price range and the market is so sluggish.  

I woke up in a great mood and I'm clearing the house to clean for showings tomorrow, and I just keep marveling how this house is all I need.  It always has been.  There are lots of things not to like, but it is everything I could want.  If I stay, the main things I want to throw money at are a couple new appliances for the apartment (they're pretty beat up) to get it rented out, and attic insulation.  Then a new more efficient water heater (mine's 15 years old and not efficient).  Eventually new heating and cooling systems.  

And I really think again about solar panels with battery backup.  It really would make all the difference in hurricane aftermath. I bought a little solar generator that will be great for things like running fans and lights, but if I could run some AC and refrigerator and stove after a storm, that would be amazing.  The lives that my friends with whole house generators were living after Ida versus what I was were night and day different.

The thing is, I got a quote last year and a system was quoted to me at about $40K, and that includes the 26% tax credit.  I laughed.  But now I look at the numbers a little differently.  To get a whole house generator and install it would be approximately $10,000.  But that's not the real price, because I would have to get natural gas run to my house.  There used to be gas at the house but after Katrina the previous owner never got it set back up again and instead got all electrical appliances replacements.  I can see where there used to be gas hookups for things like dryer and water heater.  Had it been done then, his Road Home grant probably would have helped, but he spent that money differently.  And while I like a gas stovetop with the best of them (the responsiveness!), the more I research gas I'm really glad I don't have it in my house.  Truth is that my water heater and dryer are more expensive t run as electric, but it probably is about a wash because if I had gas to my house I'd have to pay more than just for usage.  I used to have gas at previous houses and I was always surprised by the base charge.  So it's not actually that much more expensive for me to have all electric, and I'm not poisoning myself.  

But if I wanted to get a whole house generator and not have a massive warehouse of flammable liquids t pour in, I'd need to get plumbed into the gas line.  And that now with permits and all, is estimated to cost approximately $10,000.  I might could get it cheaper, but I was told that estimate but somebody who knows.  

So real cost of a whole house generator for comfort in a hurricane is approximately $20,000.  That starts to make a $40,000 whole house solar system with backup battery a whole lot more reasonable, eh?  

The real truth about a solar system is that even though New ORleans is the only place in Louisiana with net metering, is that it would still take me about 30 years to pay off a system.  My electric bills are int the shoulder seasons less than $100/month (even with the two households) and never more than $200, and my electric company charges to be on the grid even if there's net metering.  So maybe my bill gets reduced to $50/month.  I'm maybe saving at most $1,000 per year.  That's 40 years to pay off the system - which won't last that long, and neither will I.  But if it's a quality of life issue and an environmental issue (though I'd really rather that our grid were providing green energy and it wasn't on individual homeowners) and also I'd get a nicer utility bill, then it starts to be more reasonable. 

Anyway, I still haven't heard about the west coast job.  They are kind of weird how they do things.  

It's Friday.  I'm ready to slay another day and slide into the weekend, and I'm really looking forward to the two back-to-back long weekends coming up.  I've got a great book to read and jigsaw puzzles and I want to get back to a quilting project.  So much fun stuff.  And that's if I'm staying.  If I'm leaving, I'll get to use the time packing and purging which is also fun at first.  I should definitely know by then.  I am trying to handle this limbo of my future with grace and clearly failing.  But things will be resolved soon and decisions will be made and that will be satisfying no matter how it turns out.  

I was watching Fleischman is in Trouble, which I enjoy a lot more than I expected to, and he lives in NYC and got a dog and had to run out to the sidewalk.  I leaned over and hugged my dog and said, "Baby, you will always have a backyard, I promise.  Here or with auntie or wherever we go, you will always have space of your own to toilet and to be a dog."  IT's also a promise to myself, because we lived about eight months in an apartment without a yard and we made the best of it but it was really awful.  Funny thing is, that moldy rundown 420 sq ft place without a yard - the rent cost more than my mortgage here, where I have everything I need.  It makes me nervous to leave, honestly. 

troops

 My two closest friends at work left, I was told I'd have to give up my beloved office with beautiful view, and I was bummed.  

I'm holding strong on the office and hustling every day to prove how indispensable I am.  But more importantly is new relationships I'm forming, and how people I didn't really know are completely on my side.  They've been watching and now they're talking.  

And I feel a shift in the energy. People are fed up with the tyranny.  They're not going to take it.  And the tyrants are falling to pieces.  I haven't seen them in a very long time, since I put my foot down, but I hear they're trying with new people.  So I get questions like "She told me this.  Is it true?" And I laugh so hard my face turns tomato red and people think I'm having a health emergency because I'm laughing at the lies.  Oh, the lies.  

The difference is now we're fact checking.  They work SO HARD to silo people and we're burning the boundaries down to hold hands.  We're saying "You're so smart" and "You hustle and I love how you are so honest" and "I admire your courage" and "You're doing a great job" and "You are changing lives" and "I believe you and believe in you."  

And I'm calling out the sexism every chance I get.  And we're naming the bullying.  And we all reached these conclusions on our own.

I'm proud of my people.  And if and when I have to quit, I will have zero regrets. 

calamondin

 I have a calamondin tree that I put in my front yard last year and I just noticed today that it's full of ripe fruit, so I should make marmalade!  

I had five citrus trees in my backyard but two got destroyed with Hurricane Ida (neighbor's shingles), and the remaining ones got canker so I needed to remove and toss.  But the calamondin is fine, knock on wood.

I first encountered these little orange fruits when I lived in Oceania.  They are known by a local name and I had the juice on sashimi and it blew my mind.  It's an amazing marinade, and lemonade, and in gin and tonics.  It's fantastic. Some marmalade sounds delightful, and I just found a great recipe which is great because it breaks the work up into two or three days.  Though I may go out tonight with a headlamp to start because now I'm eager and have energy again.  Maybe I'll also assemble a lentil shepherd's pie to cook for dinner tomorrow night.  Yum.  I have a lot of potatoes to use up. 

It was not a bad day today and I think I'm finally shaking whatever bug hit me.  For the first time, I peeked into the office they think they're going to put me into and I laughed.  First of all, I have an overfull large filing cabinet with documents I need to do my job - and that won't fit in there because it's a tiny space (because they want to move me from the absolute best office in the whole building to absolutely the worst).  Secondly, they dumped in there all the binders and documents left behind by a coworker - who did something COMPLETELY different from me so none of it is any use.  So not only do they want to tell me that I have to move, but I will have to move heavy things myself AND move somebody else's things that they put in there AND not fit in the space.  HAHAHAHAHAHA.  Y'all, I am not exaggerating when I say this is bullying behavior.  I recognized it immediately and they just keep proving me right.  

I've had some chats with people at the place I think I want to work at, and today one got really excited because of how it would affect her.  They have all said things to the effect of "It's a great place to work to practice your passion, but it's complete chaos."  It's well known that it is.  And I am nervous about the stress affecting my health, but I also want to improve my skills and this would be the best way.  Every day I inch closer to applying.

But not yet because there are things up in the air.  Still waiting to hear about the job back west where I would also build skills and live with my BFF.  They got my reference list a few days ago and they have a long process.  

If I do not get that job, and I do not sell my house soon, I think I'll stay.  For a year or so and then reevaluate.  Will a hurricane be less awful if I have my solar generator and a solid roof?  Maybe.  

So I am definitely in limbo but feeling good either way.

I told my realtor to drop the price and she's not doing it.  She is not listening very well.  I know this is a complicated situation but my directions aren't unclear. 

***

Forgot to post, next day: health shaky again.  Not feeling well at all.  Cushiest job I've ever had but I still come home barely able to throw a ball for the dog in the backyard.  

Stress.  So much stress.  And I'm being much too impatient.  

I talked to somebody else who worked a long time in the job I'm thinking of applying for, and she STRONGLY recommended that I work there.  She was there until she got fired for a drinking problem.  I'm pretty certain the job wouldn't drive me to drink since I can't remember the last drink I had but I do remember that alcohol doesn't make me feel good.  I haven't done any binge drinking for over 30 years.  I think I'm solid.  

And I want to do the job.  I like the job, it satisfies things in me.  

But.  When I did the job before in a different place, it fucked with my health.  And so I'm very cautious.  

I wish I knew what was wrong with me, with my health.  

Am I resistant to leaving New Orleans because it's so much work to sell a house and pack up a life and move thousands of miles?  But once I arrive there, it will be so little personal work - living with a friend in her house would make my life so much easier.  So I can handle a difficult job there.  But here?  I used to be able to juggle so much and now I just get so tired.  I need to really focus on solving these issues.  Is it food related?  I can do an elimination diet. Do I need to exercise more?  I can do that, though it would have to be after work because when I've been better about exercise when done in the morning it can wipe me out the whole day.  Exercise never makes me feel better, but I do miss feeling stronger and more fit.  I don't know why I feel crappy most of the time, and it sucks.  I hate how it limits my life, like my caution about moving into this job that I would do very well. 

webs

 The nice thing about having to clean my house for potential buyers to view is that then my house is clean.  With all the repairs over the past year and a half I sort of let things fall into inertia - things sitting on my kitchen counter that I need to climb on a ladder to put away, tools tucked into a corner, that kind of thing.  But to really clean means making those things happen, and that's a delight to live in.  Until it falls apart again.  But it doesn't fall all the way apart because I took care of the big things, so now it's a quick process to keep it clean.

Realizing this morning that after a lifetime of jumping feet first into so many novel experiences, I'm tired.  And i'm not talking about "oh I have lived in 32 places in the United States and Europe."  No.  I mean, I have done that, but I've also made a life in some of the most difficult places in the world.  Places like Libya, Liberia, South Sudan.  I could take whatever came.

But now?  I'm tired.  I have a dog keeping me tethered and I am also bound just because I don't want a difficult life anymore.  

Which is not to say that I want to give up all the things.  Shortly I'm heading out to walk the dog, pick up eggs and seeds from a friend, drop off compost (since I prematurely gave away my compost bins).  Then I'll cut boards to reinforce my garden beds, plant seeds, put plants into the ground.  I walk into my backyard and it's big and beautiful.  I lean in to enjoy loquat blossom scent and get mobbed by bees and butterflies.  OK, fine, it's yours for now, please make lots of tasty fruit for me.  I cooked up garden greens last night and they were wonderful.

I have these systems and supports that make a web of life here.  So even if one thing falls - such as having to quit my job - then there are other things that hold me here.  

I'm concerned that my house won't sell.  I think there's a glut on the market now, high interest rates, and skyrocketing insurance.  And this is hard because I live here very well, so to sell it at a loss makes me cringe. My realtor keeps pushing no money down first time homebuyers with bad credit, and I don't think this is the house for that.  I think that leads to a lot of window shopping and hassle for me and her, but no actual purchase.  I don't mean to be snobby about people with bad credit, but that makes everything more expensive. And in New Orleans one should always have a nest egg, for things like replacing a roof or a cooling system.  

From the first moment that I arrived in New Orleans, I have felt at home.  I still feel that way.  I'm just tired of hurricanes and violent crime and government corruption and all those things.  I want to make better money, I want to be closer to my friends, I want to live in a place with efficient and effective governance.  

But I can stay.  I can lean in.  I could get solar panels with battery to weather storms and be a place of refuge.  I can find a different job that doesn't always feel so tentative (I've seriously never experienced a place with such high turnover and legitimate grievances).  I can get a tenant for the apartment, a roommate who loves Ziggy, and I can live well.  I have a life set up well here.  Just little things, like I noticed a lightbulb burned out and I just walked to my garage and pulled out a spare to replace it.  I have everything set up well like this, mostly.  If I stay I will want a living room furniture set (no more free castoffs) and a dresser and a kitchen pantry, but that's pretty much it.  Oh and a replacement compost bin.  But that's it.

But if I get offered this job that pays well and is in the town where I can live with my friend indefinitely to save up to buy a house, then I will very likely take it.  

Off to enjoy the day now.  Life is very good.  The universe is abundant.  I have opportunities in every direction. 

what will I find?

 I need to be out of my house for a few hours for workers, and so I take my dog to the office.  I take her mat, a water bowl, and some treats, and she's fine.  At least she was last time.  

Today though is a bit interesting because I will go in to see if they moved my office while I was out yesterday.  If they haven't, I will do some catchup work.  If they have ... well, I guess that if I still have personal items that I'll take them and go to work on Monday to clock in to get paid for the day and then resign effective immediately.  

I understand that this can be interpreted that I'm immature and narcissistic, to work against the team in this manner; the man in charge determined that it's in the team's best interest to move me and I should go along.  But that is a bullshit interpretation.  First of all, there is no team - everybody is in this for themselves.  Further, there is absolutely no reason to move me AND nobody else is being moved; all this does is move me from the most desirable office in the building to the least desirable and open up the desirable office to somebody who lacks my seniority and expertise.  This is a quality of life issue and a basic respect issue.  So I will not bend.

It is also important because other people are watching.  The "leadership" is so accustomed to bullying and abusing people with impunity, using them like Kleenex, and I will not tolerate that.  For example, they used to harass my predecessor anytime she was trying to pump after her maternity leave, and they forbade her from leaving the building during lunch.   And when the final straw was reached after she was screamed at, she found another job.  I'm doing the same and I'm also taking a stand. 

My actions may inspire others and the culture may change.  I can hope.  At the least, I get to leave with my self-respect intact. At the most, the "leadership" reconsiders treating people abusively and we make real change while I'm there.  

I'm not sure the two people in charge that I told I'll quit believe me since they keep assigning me big projects (even when i was out Friday).  

I'm sure that there are people who will grouse and say "Well, I don't have a window, why should I care about her?"  And that's true. The building was designed so many people do not have a window, and very few have a view as nice as mine.  But the point I have to make is that I'm BEING MOVED.  I have done nothing wrong yet my work environment is being substantially altered against my will.

And let's be honest - this is Milton on Office Space.  Next they'll try to come for my red stapler (which i don't have, and it was very difficult for me to get a stapler at all when I started there).  

They underestimated me.  This was very clear with my supervisor came to my office for the first time ever, to discuss my "feedback" about the move.  A step she should have taken earlier.  I was firm, she acted cowed.  

I wouldn't mind some time off, and I have savings to live off for awhile.  I'm not worried.  But I'm wound up and ready to take a noisy stand.  And I'm curious to see!  

Update: nothing touched.  Apparently this is still my office for now. 

we are the same

 My dog is pushy, demanding.  Wants to inspect and know everything going on.  She's constantly underfoot because she so firmly doubts my capacity to handle things.  She's a good sport and a massive pain in the ass.

And I think this is probably how the person I've been recently assigned to report to directly sees me.  He's a nice enough guy but he runs things poorly and it's tremendously inefficient.  Our purpose is not efficiency but it is still a value, and the confusion that everyone is subjected to is unnecessary.  And of course there is pushback to improving systems, because people feel power in the way things are.  But I cannot stand it.  And so I seem impatient and judgmental ... probably because I am.  So. Much. Unnecessary. Confusion.  It makes me cranky.  

He's the one who was complicit in me being forced to give up my lovely office with window with view in favor of a smaller windowless office in that new section.  I've made my case and they're still thinking the move is necessary.  It's not but they don't care about efficiency or employee satisfaction and quality of life.  A "final" decision hasn't been made, and they're trying to distract me with an expensive training opportunity that I requested last year.  I will not be distracted, and I turned their words back on him.  "The reasons that the person in charge gave last year for declining my involvement, I think those reasons are still true, and so I do not think that I need to do this."  

They didn't expect that.  

I like to keep them on their toes.

But so the new supervisor says it's likely I'll have to move to his section.  I said that if that is the final decision that I will be looking for other employment.  Two related businesses have expressed interest.  But also, and this is big ... my references are being checked for a job in the town where my BFF is back west.  This was the job that I thought weird for not asking a single question about diversity, equity, or inclusion.  And they require a current supervisor reference, which is weird (never had that requirement before, and I've applied for A LOT of jobs).  So I asked the new supervisor and he agreed.  And I think he will be fine.  I gave some other names of people who speak highly of me.  I think this stage will be fine.  The only time I've had an issue with a reference check was with a former employer whom I had to threaten to sue to be released from a contract that I had agreed to because I was misled (and also, because I learned information that had been withheld from me about violence against women in the unsecure house where I was placed, and I had serious concerns about my safety because of that and other inputs.  My successor was murdered outside that same house, in a way I feared for myself.  So I have zero regrets about breaking that contract and leaving.  And in that situation, I was still offered the job when I explained to the reference checker.  Though I ended up turning it down and learned to not list that employer again, which is easy because the phone doesn't even work there anymore.)

Anyway, if I'm offered this job back west, I'll drop the asking price on my house significantly (for some reason my realtor is resistant to that and I've had to talk her down) and hopefully get a buyer quickly, and move.  

If I'm not offered this job back west, I may commit to staying here at least another year, and apply to the related companies who are interested in me to start right away. They are more work for not more pay, and they have super high turnover for not good reasons, but I would have a window and would learn and improve valuable skills and I don't have to stay forever.