finally to the weekend

 Every work week is so grueling that Saturdays are such a relief.  Not this weekend, since I have to work so much on the Big Project, but usually.  I still started the weekend with errands and mastered (?) something new and gave up on an idea.

I wanted to go to this big garden sale and that's a big nope.  I drove through the parking lot before it opened and there was a line backed up like a block.  I went back after I went to the library (love the library), and the line was gone but the massive rooms were so packed of people that I fled in terror.  So bad.  I wanted to pick up some native plants but I will pay a premium to not go through that awful experience - and to be realistic, their prices were not that good, maybe slightly below average.  No idea why there was such a massive rush of people.  It was insane.  

First errand though was trying to master the bottle redemption system.  When I lived here many years ago, I worked my way through college with a variety of jobs including as the person at the supermarket who handled bottle returns.  I've always been rabid about recycling so that appealed to me, but also I'm obsessively organized and so every shift I would work on cleaning the bottle room that was always messy because nobody ever wanted to be in there but me.  I love sorting things and dealing with messes.  And then at end of shifts, the bottles and cans that were non-returnable to our store, I'd pile into a shopping cart and take them to my house to go into the recycling bins (because of course my employer didn't recycle, they would just return what had value).  It was low-status and gross and it was kind of fun for me to just weirdo out.  Glad I don't have fear of other people's germs.

Anyway, those days are long gone and now there is this massive commercialization that is I think way too complicated by design so that people just forfeit the deposits they paid.  I, however, am stubborn, and so I have wrangled my way through a complicated website and app and building.  Fortunately it wasn't too busy when I got there and the guy was helpful but the kiosks were very very frustrating.  And then what's weird is if you redeem the credit at certain stores, you get MORE credit for a store purchase with them.  My nearest supermarket participates, and so I tried it and it worked.  What didn't work was the $5 off a $30 purchase coupon because it excludes so many things including fluid dairy and mostly I was there for the on-sale milk to stock up for making yogurt.  

I dress like a poor person and I act like a poor person, trying to salvage and maximize every penny I pay, I guess.  I do give moderately generously and don't second guess myself with donations and gifts, but I will coupon the fuck out of a grocery cart as long as I don't have to download another fucking app.  TBH, that's how I can give freely, by being frugal.  

There are some other things I need to master about this town, like coffee and bread.  I want to find a good source of organic fair trade roasted coffee beans, and I'm kind of overwhelmed and also they're expensive AF so I keep relying on big bags from Costco.  I definitely save considerably, but I want to redirect funds to local roasters who support small farmers.  And bread - I would like to be able to easily buy a loaf of bread but I get so fucking overwhelmed.  I refuse to eat supermarket bread with its ultraprocessed ingredients, so only to local bakers I go.  But I tried one recently and it still tastes like it's got additives.  Fuck it, I am baking sourdough today because I know it only contains grains water and salt.  My bread is the opposite of fancy and I bake the same every damn time (though mix up the ratios of grains) but it tastes clean and I love it.  Maybe I'll try another bakery some day, but not today.  

another project

 Got another quote for the fence for the sideyard and it came in at a much better price, making it more feasible.

It's about 150 linear feet, blocking in a sideyard area so that I can hang out with dog while transforming a large area into vegetable garden and food forest.  I had expected the cost to be about $6,000 but when I got a quote from the guy who had done my other fence, it was $8,000.  That was a big gulp plus I'm not super satisfied with his work.  He did all my interior painting when I moved in and the walls were in really bad condition from previous tenants and a very bad paint job, but I still am seeing a lot of spots that could have been done better.  The fence overall was ok, but a gate is lousy and a pain to use, and he insisted a top rail is better but that's just a superhighway for animal stealing food and tormenting my dog.  

the guy that came yesterday has a similar vision as me (no top rail, framed gates that work with the latch I want to use), and his bid is less than $5,000.

Well now.  That is significant.

 I had contacted another company or two to get quotes but haven't heard back.  I may try again, but now I also feel confident that the price is right to move forward and I can facilitate with neighbor and hire help to remove bushes in the way and cut and move the tree pieces that came down that are too big for me to manage and are sitting in the way.  (I need to build a woodshed.  That will be later.)  This guy isn't available for a couple of months but that's ok as I have things to do until then.  

I'm very focused on the big project at work that will conclude in a week to week and a half.  Working very long hours, a lot of stress and gnashing of teeth.  And a critical team member is out this week for bereavement, and I coordinated flowers delivery and gift card for meal delivery which was just one more thing I didn't have bandwidth for, and we're hobbling along without her.  And people keep needing to talk with me - days stacked with calls and meetings where I have to provide expertise when I really need to be working on the big project.  I'm at capacity, people.  

But I did get a good night's sleep and I need to get back on the big project horse.  I know that I'll be working this weekend, but hopefully only a moderate amount. 

Making a long list of all the things to do after the big project.  I plan to work some short days to make up for the 12 hour days and weekends I'm working now, and nobody better come for me about that.  

I work too much.

But it pays for things like fences, so here I go. 

not enough hours

 Today I felt good and wondered the difference.  Realized I"d skipped the meds.  Yeah, I'm not going to be continuing with that.

A fairly productive day, lots of work-work (like 12 hours), and some yardwork.  And still time to watch a movie in parts - Whiskey Tango Bravo, a movie I probably saw before, about a reporter in Afghanistan.

We 

I never went to Afghanistan or a hotly active warzone, though many people I know did.  I was more in reconstruction after peace begins.  Usually a tenuous peace at best.  I can easily think of many times I was nearly kidnapped, all those checkpoints through militias and so many weapons.  

And I fucking miss it.  I had too many bouts of malaria and then chikungunya, and my northern European body couldn't handle it, and so I came to calm life in the States.  I haven't gotten better though, and maybe I never will.  I keep thinking when there's no more dog I'll go back abroad to raw places, but my dog is apparently going to live forever based on how she was jumping around today.  

I fucking miss it hard.  I feel so alive there.  Lots of fond memories were triggered.  The "fixers" can be magical.  

But here's what's really weird.  AFter the movie ended and I checked Facebook, the "you might want to be friends" posted my Warlord Lover.  I have no idea why he would be on FB, and he's not - I'm sure he set it up on a whim and then promptly forgot about it.  He has only 10 friends, only one post from five years ago.  One mutual friend.

And we were horrible together, both very selfish people.  But I will never forget our sparks.  Literal sparks the first time we met, in a dark stairwell.  We just knew each other in this very deep way immediately.  He didn't like when I called him a warlord, but I didn't come up with it.  Books and news did.  I don't think he was anymore, though I didn't always ask questions.  

I miss how alive I was with him.  I miss pulling up to his compound.  I miss a lot about it.  I think about him fairly regularly and check, he's often in international news.  International tribunals and such.  I miss him.  I miss how we laughed and thought lofty thoughts, how seriously he took me.  

We cannot get that back, it was 15 years ago and we haven't spoken in years.  But I sent him a damn FB request.  Just in case he thinks of me as I do of him and he somehow turns to FB. 

cooking

There are some big crises at work on top of my already daunting big project, and so there has been too much work this weekend.  Too much expended executive function, which I have in limited supply.

But I know that I need good fuel for the week or I crumble.  I have yet to find easily accessible premade food that is healthy and satisfying, so I rely on myself.  I've got black beans simmering with a sofrito now, and I will make those into burritos.  It's a double batch and I'll freeze most of them so they're at the ready.  That used up my supply of black beans so I'm canning more now.  I've got dried mushrooms soaking now and soon I will prepare them with lentils and once I make the potatoes I'll make it into lentil shepherd's pie which I'll put in the oven to bake tomorrow for dinner.  I'll prep some chard to get cooked up with white beans and pasta later this week.  I made a beet salad yesterday, and today I'll finish up the kale-sweet potato medley I made.  That should get me through and I also need to plan strongly for the next week with the big project. PReparing beans is like a love song to myself, a way to be well nourished and thrive. 

Beans are a nice superfood, for me at least.  While I'm eating fish, meat is really disgusting to me now.  I usually don't eat a lot, but even that is not enjoyable.  I've been turned off pork for many years, chicken more recently and now beef and lamb and goat is also not good to me.  I did used to like it, but now I do not.  Wild game I would eat if it were available.  

If it warms up a bit more I'll hang the hammock and take a nap.  I'm quite weary.  And then I'll turn to All The Things.  the next two weeks will be arduous and I need my strength. 

gardening

 I've continued to transform my yards, and as I've been moving soil and woodchips people have asked questions.  Then I usually get a "How do you know so much?  Have you studied horticulture?"

I have not, but growing food is deep in my DNA.  I didn't grow up with it at home - we lived in the wilderness with no sun most of the year - but on regular visits to the midwest I saw people grow everything from wheat to green beans.  My aunt grew very much how I do - very practical.  Function over form.  But my step-great-grandmother had a magical garden - opening the gate to the backyard and it was all plants everywhere.  I wish I'd paid closer attention to the details, but it was just a sensory experience.  (We weren't often there as the family shunned her for not being whom she replaced, but I always liked her a lot and wish I'd been old enough to spend more time with just her.  I think she liked me too and I remember invitations to stay with her.)  And my great-uncle's house was a wondrous delight of roses and mint.  I don't recall him growing anything practical, but oh he loved those roses (which I will never grow myself - just ripped out a bunch of them), and I loved his little house and sprawling wonderful smelling garden.  

So I had some examples from time to time, and many relatives are farmers.  But I think the knowledge is deeper than what I've seen.  I just instinctively know things, and I learn a lot.  I talk with people, I read books (have one from the library now), I stop by county extension offices.  I trial and error, I join Facebook groups, I show up with friends and we learn together.  

And there is always so much to learn.  I would like to learn to propagate, to expand my native plant collection.  I've done it a little but not with much thought to it.  I'd like to go back to seed saving and expand those skills.  I'd like to dry farm as much as possible, and I'm considering hacking some ollas for reduced watering needs.  I want to better deal with pests like leaf miners and slugs.  I'd like to continue to learn to maximize garden space.  I want to grow things I haven't grown before, like garlic.  I'd like to learn more native plants in this new environment (though to toot my own horn, I went to a plant walk recently and knew almost everything they were showing, and had a friendly encounter with local plant experts and will be meeting them again).  And there are so many many other things to know.  I have no interest in become professional level anything else - I just want to be a casual hobbyist.  If tomatoes grow well, that's great and I'll share and eat and can them.  If they don't, oh well, I'll grow other things.  I want to remain a hardworking but low stress gardener. 

When much younger, I was fascinated with ethnobotany, though I didn't pursue it as a career.  I read a lot and explored a lot, and it continues to interest me.  I love the utility of weeds.  I'm a novice, but I make and use tinctures and other concoctions from plants. 

There's just so much to learn and do, and I wish I had more time and that I could retire soon (though I'll have to work longer because my house will not be paid off), and I would like to have the necessary surgeries on my feet in the time between after my dog passes and before I get chickens or retire, and while Friend is still healthy enough to care for me when I cannot walk.  Yes, I would like to be paid for the months I'll have to be off.  I would do one foot at a time, with probably a year recovery in between required if all goes as hoped for.  So that's a new goal for me, to get surgery while on very good insurance still.  

I'm trying to amp myself to get out and do some gardening before the rain comes this afternoon.  Today's goal is just to finish mulching the native plants area with woodchips after weeding, and it just takes longer than I expect it should.  Yesterday I finished emptying soil from my truckbed so one sideyard bed is all set up.  I covered it with wire fencing to keep cats and squirrels out, and I probably won't plant in it for a few weeks (need some more warmth).  I'll set up another two beds there as time and energy allows.  I push aside the woodchips and mound soil and we'll see how well this works.  One bed will be for tomatoes, peppers, cucumbers; the other for brassicas, beans, and squash.  There will be an area also for three sisters planting (corn beans and squash).  I plan to grow a lot of beans (green and for drying such as black beans) and squash (summer and winter).    

Really dragging this morning so am having some green tea to see if that helps.  Once the outdoor work is done (until I'm too tired to do more or the rain starts), then I have indoor work to do (cleaning, cooking, etc.), and then I have to do work for my job for the big project coming up.  I've been dreaming about it and wake up with a to-do list.  Not panicked yet but that will come.  My closest team members are amazingly helpful, and I've had some other happy surprises, but some of the less direct to me people have been not as helpful as I would wish for.  People out on leave without warning and no one to take their place on the responsibilities.  I asked a supervisor his idea for coverage and he did not respond so I just tasked it to him directly.  I have no time to dawdle.  

Now I'm putting many big personal tasks to after the big project, such as the trellis replacement and cleaning out the rat room.  (There is a storage shed next to my patio which I cleaned when I bought the house and almost immediately it was again filled with rat feces.  Fuck rats.  I think that removing the hot tub may have encouraged them to move along, as they were enjoying that source of water in the mechanisms.  And I put down some poison.  But I haven't opened the door in many months, mostly because I didn't want my dog to consume any of the poison, and I have to gird my loins and PPE up in order to proceed to make it a usable space.)

There are other projects, like I need to totally refinish the patio wood.  It will involve a lot of cleaning and sanding and resealing and replacing the roofing with correct attachments unlike last time (they did not use washers so while it doesn't leak exactly, it drips from dew).  But that can wait, perhaps even until next year.  I have other priorities for now.  

Step by step is how I proceed.  And my joints are moving a bit better now, so off I go for some of the garden steps of today. 

social interactions

 I just dropped off some dinners at the little free refrigerator near me; I hadn't done that for awhile.  I've felt overloaded and overextended, and once I'm home it can be really really difficult for me to go back out into the world.

I like quite a few things about this town, and I have some very good friends here, but I would say that overall I'm solidly lukewarm about the people.  I find most of the people here are not worth the energy it demands of me to interact with them. 

Not sure if it's me being a jerk or something about introverts, but social interactions can be physically painful especially when it's things like dumb jokes.  I remember once in a hardware store a man said something to me about "smile" or something - you know, the thing men think they have the right to demand of women they don't know - and I ignored him until he was in my way and then he got a death stare.  He froze.  It takes me zero energy to give full RBF, but it takes so much energy for me to smile and joke and laugh at stupid things that aren't anyone's business but mine.  It sucks me completely dry, and I have so many social demands with work, so if I have to do more I come so exhausted and just a puddle.  So just walking food over and possibly running into people I should talk to - I cannot always do that.

But the refrigerator was totally empty and I hope some people enjoy the winter squash curry I made.  The koginut squash I bought last week was starting to rot at one spot so I cut that out and cooked without delay - adding in beet greens and garbanzos.  It's pretty tasty but I ran out of curry powder and I would have doubled it.  It's fine.  It's cozy for a cold wet evening.  And now I have leftovers for two lunches and I've fed others, and I didnt have to talk to anyone.  Winning.

Except of course that I need to build more community here.  But I"m unsure how when I don't like most people and don't have energy.  A good friend came over last weekend and we talked for hours, but it doesn't fill my cup.  She's a really good friend and has been for years; I care deeply about her.  But even talking with my closest friends is leaving me cold and hungry for something else.  Some activism and shared purpose, probably.  I often meet good friends through volunteering, so I can keep trying to do more of that ... when I have energy.  

Once these very major house projects are done, maybe I'll have energy.  Of course there are always projects when one is a homeowner, but completely renovating one's own kitchen isn't something everyone does.  Acting as my own contractor with managing all the tradies - it's a lot.  And soon it will hopefully be done.  And then I'll just have the everyday projects which aren't so consuming.  So what then?  I'm certain that I'll find other things to fill my time and energy.

===

My Facebook memory today was from years ago when I lived a few months in Fez, trying to learn Arabic (not very successfully) as I was hoping to return to Libya.  I know that Libya is highly problematic in many ways, but there are so many things that I love about it.  Especially the people.  Just as I say that I do not connect with people in this town, it is the opposite in some other places like Libya, where I felt genuine connections everywhere I turned.  I remembered that in Morocco (where I do not feel that connectedness, but the architecture and food are amazing) I had been offered a teaching job, and I seriously contemplated it for a moment.  I would have taught a few hours a day most but not all days, and then I would have time to continue to wander the medina, to work on my Arabic.  Of course knowing me it wouldn't have been long before I bought a riad needing massive renovations.  The skill of tradespeople there like plasterers is exceptional.  It would have been quite the adventure.  But I did not stay, could not commit.  

But it reminds me that quality of life for me is not full retirement, it's working a job that allows me copious amount of spare time for hobbies.  LIke Susan Sarandon's character in Bull Durham - she was a part-time English instructor which paid her bills so that she could be a minor league team superfan.  I don't want to be a superfan but there are so many other things that I want to do with my time besides be stressed out about work.  

And I know this is because I'm not feeling well, but I am super annoyed with one of my coworkers - she has been there many years and is super experienced, but instead of being helpful she negs with toxic positivity.  Last week she tried to get me in trouble by unnecessarily ccing our boss on what looked like a mistake by me and then she forced me to stay late at a meeting I didn't need to be at and which she didn't provide me the necessary information for it to be actually meaningful in any way to me.  I have to continue to deal with her and it's not going to help to call her out.  Of course I make mistakes.  How would I not?  But her trying to catch me like this is only aggravating.  

Anyway, I don't know where I'll go in five years, what I'll do.  But I sure as fuck hope it's not with this stress load. 

pennies and pounds

 Of course this time of getting sick is when I'm super busy at work.  The next three weeks are brutal with non-stop demands.  And of course there are always urgencies to deal with, including some that are pretty emotional.  Yesterday I went to the office and at one point broke down, crying for others' pain.  Glad I didn't do it at home because my dog is already overtending me - she will not leave my immediate side, seeming to be so worried about me. 

This stress makes me wish I can retire before work kills me.  But it seems so out of reach. While this would be a fantastic house to retire in - I can bike to everything I need and a large yard to tend to - how can I ever afford that?  My mortgage is $2,500/month which is insane.  I owe so much on it, paying it off anytime soon seems impossible.  

So I look at my budget and what expenses I can remove, but it seems like pennies trying to add up to pounds.  Sure, I can eat more lentils, but I don't think I can actually cut my food budget much more than $100/month, and that's with never eating out which just isn't feasible with my insane work schedule much of the time.  I went out yesterday for lunch and very much enjoyed my mediterranean salad and falafel, with leftovers for dinner.  Can I never really enjoy that?  If I put together all the ingredients, it's not really cheaper.  

Maybe if I were not hyperthyroid my appetite would significantly decrease which could save some food dollars, but I really do not look forward to gaining weight.  

I just don't see where I can make the budget cuts without cutting quality of life.  I want to double my fenced backyard which will cost me thousands of dollars, but it will make me so happy.  I was just wandering around my backyard with my dog, so enjoying being out in spring.  I do not enjoy being out in public space in my yard here, it's not like New Orleans.  And I really do not have the bandwidth to build this fence.  I've done it before and I could do it again, but not when working the job I have now. 

I will so enjoy a new bathroom and it will let me fix the floor and plumbing to take it apart. I fear water damage.  This needs to be done, so shouldn't I spend a bit more money to upgrade it?  ROI plus now enjoyment for me.  But it's stressful to see how hard I have to work and the toll it can take on me just to have a proper bathroom.  

anyway, I'm frustrated because I cannot get the latch of a doorknob out in order to replace the doorknob.  I guess I'll get back to it, then back outside, before the rains come.  Need to not push myself too hard, need to not just sit still.  Need to not obsess about not being able to retire. 

 

thyroid update

 Fortunately the doctor agreed about not-cancer and since my thyroid has been previously biopsied, "no need to keep sticking it with needles."

But she's adamant that my symptoms are mostly based in the hyperthyroidism - which I've had probably my whole life, diagnosed decades ago, which makes me skeptical because I was fine until I got chikungunya and my symptoms better track long COVID.  But I don't disagree that there could be a variety of causes.  

So this morning I started on methamizole, which suppresses thyroid hormone.  I decided to go ahead now because I've been feeling sick for days, so it can just pile on with that.  

It seems to have hit my system right away, and there was a reaction in my brain of a moment of clarity but now it's blurry and numb.  We'll see.  It takes weeks really because it's not killing all the hormones in my system already.  I also have to have regular testing because it has really serious side effects.  Well, really serious from my POV since I seem to nearly always have bad reactions to drugs and so I take nothing at all.  

The doctor didn't say this explicitly, but the expectation of methamizole for toxic nodules is not taking it forever - take it for a few months and then agree to removal of the thyroid.  I don't even think about that because it freaks me the fuck out.  To have to be forever on thyroid-replacement medication, which may never make me feel ok?  IT's not like I can change my mind and have it reinstalled.  And the medication isn't cheap if I don't have good insurance. 

I had to take off part of yesterday - because I felt so crappy and couldn't think, and had to run around to pharmacies to find where they'd sent the fucking prescription.  I had to ask a coworker to cover me on some Big Things and I hope it went ok.  I was past caring when I asked her.  And today a coworker will cover me in the office.  I still have like 20 meetings to attend remotely (ok, only five, but they're long meetings), but I can lay down in between if it helps.  

I had awful insomnia two nights ago, which isn't unusual when coming down with a virus but still unusual to me because I never ever had problems with sleep until I had the job a few years ago requiring me to take complicated calls in the middle of the night.  

To be honest, the main reason I agreed to taking the thyroid suppressant is because I'm tired of being so irritable.  I'm constantly annoyed with people for stupid shit, and the irritability is overwhelming.  I'll never be a chill person, but if I can turn the irritability down a notch that would make life easier for me and others. 

more tests

 Last week I had an ultrasound of my thyroid.  It wasn't the first time, probably won't be the last.  I've had nodules for decades, and I've pretty closely monitored it.  A couple of days later the medical office called and they say I need biopsies.  Also not the first time for that; last time was probably 17 years ago.

It wasn't cancer then and I really don't think it's cancer now.  And if it is thyroid cancer, it's usually a highly treatable and slow-growing cancer.  But again, I'm 99.999% certain that I don't have it.  Not from my thyroid.  I have a peculiar attachment to my thyroid, but it has gotten me through so many things and so many times, and can synthroid do that?  Maybe for some but not for me.  

I had the same attachment to my reproductive organs when the doctors thought i had cancer in them.  I shopped around to find a doctor who promised to keep the organs if they weren't cancerous; everyone else just wanted to clean me all out.  But there are reasons for these organs besides reproduction, and I'm now firmly past menopause and had nothing needing treatment along the way there - no real hot flashes or anything else.  Why?  Because my body stayed intact and I'm lucky AF.  If I had been pushed into early menopause with drastic removal of organs, I never could have weathered it so easily. 

But what's weird is that EVERYTHING I've been watching on TV has people dying of cancer.  Every single show and movie I've seen the past few days.  

The only thing that would be good about cancer would be getting time off work.  

But I don't have it. 

sobering thoughts

 Last week wasn't awful for me until the end.  Everyone who does the hardest work that I interact with had had a horrible week, even upbeat people were really struggling.  By the end of the week and some long conversations, I'd caught their vibe.

And then I went to a doctor, a specialist, a very good one. And the struggles she's going through as a health care provider frankly astounded me.  The stress of the weight of the medical system on her shoulders was shared with me because I asked.  And I got more than I"d expected because things are really bad.  I knew some things were bad because of difficulties getting a primary care physician, but things are REALLY bad.  Shortages of staff and hospital beds, and spiking fentanyl deaths.  It's a perfect storm for a system still struggling with effects of COVID.  I thought we were going to talk about her new baby and resulting exhaustion, but this is far worse.  This is watching an outstanding medical professional in the process of burnout.  

And tbh I don't know what I can do to help except be nice to all the staff who are stressed out.  

I got some more good information about my foot issues, what to expect.  A fusion will be necessary and the more I use my feet the sooner that will be.  There is no going back with this osteoarthritis.  So I can pivot with activities but one day the pain will be so crippling that I'll have no other choice. I used to always take the stairs but I've become an elevator gal; I used to walk whenever I could but now I avoid it.  What can I do instead is the question, and we agreed biking is good.  I'll plan to do more of that, safely.  She also uses a row machine and that might be good for me.  I just won't do a gym, even though I know swimming is good.  I asked her how helpful it would be for me to lose weight and she downplayed that importance plus recognized the unlikelihood (for me and her).  

For awhile I was doing pretty good with my diet - more plant fats, much less ultraprocessed foods and sugar.  But then as the week got more stressful I started to crave a donut and it feels like it all just fell apart then and it's such a vicious cycle for me.  Eating less healthy foods makes me want more unhealthy foods and makes me feel crappy and not wanting to prepare healthier food.  

But today is a new day and I hit the farmers market for my new favorite winter squash (koginut) and heaps of greens.  I was looking for chimichurri but he wasnt there today.  (Maybe I should make my own.)  I deliberately walked past the bakery stalls, no "treating" myself today.  Because is it a treat if it makes me feel crappy?  That's what I have to keep reminding myself.  

Then I went to a home goods store and then a grocery store, both of which I haven't been to since I returned.  The home goods store had a lovely little dish I can use for tea bags which I got (along with some more seeds) and I saw a beautiful teacup with lid and infuser, and the grocery store had some gorgeous water bottles.  If I truly commit myself to drinking more water and tea, I can gradually buy beautiful tools for those.  

Water is also supposed to be really helpful for arthritis.  So many reasons I need to drink more water.

I saw a water dispenser at Lowe's that has a bowl at the bottom for pet water and that would be my dog's dream come true.  She loves fresh clean water. But I'm not convinced I want to deal with 5 gallon water bottles hassles, and I really don't like plastic.  I'm eyeing underfaucet filters, for when I get my new countertops and could have it installed (with a new faucet which I currently don't have space for), but reverse osmosis seems like it wastes so much water.  I don't know what i need but I need something.  I'm so fussy about the taste of water.  

Both of the stores also had book sections that made me remember how much I used to love to read.  I miss that.  Maybe I'll try to read this weekend.  It's cold and dreary and I do not feel like doing much.