benefits of COVID

 So, trying to find silver linings:

1. You really learn who your real friends are. They're the ones who show up with all the supplies you didn't even know you needed within hours of you posting that you're sick.

2. By getting COVID before August, hopefully I will not get sick with it during a hurricane.  Yes, hurricane season starts June 1 technically, but almost all serious hurricanes hit August-September.  By getting sick now, hopefully I have strong antibodies to not get it during a hurricane.  Plus now that I've learned how badly it sucks, I'll be masking seriously.

3.  Appetite suppression.  I don't mean to harp on this but I am actually enjoying a smoothie right now.  I almost never have smoothies because they just make me hungry and so I eat more after just consuming all those calories.  But now?  I can get nutrients and yogurt (probiotics, my gut sure needs it after all this diarrhea and virus) and honey (local special honey with extra immunity boost).  Using up canteloupe and frozen berries, make my sore throat feel better, boom.  

OK that's all I've got right now because mostly it sucks

not the very light case I was hoping for

 I'm not sure what day of COVID to call this.  On Wednesday early afternoon, it was clear I wasn't feeling well though thought it was just fatigue or general malaise.  Continued to worsen, took a COVID test, negative.  Noted that I had a few word issues (couldn't remember the word "trellis" and kept thinking "terrace").  On Thursday I went to work and after just a couple of hours I knew I was too sick to be there so I left.  That night I tested again and it was positive, and I was getting worse.  Fever, pain, all of it.  Friday I felt crappy though not bad enough to set up a virtual doctor's appointment, until later in the day when the sinus issues were raging hard.  I could not sleep, in part because my dog kept barking all night.  I could hear disturbed neighbors and I just could not be bothered to care - in part because this issue only arose when they put in security lights which illuminate my yard and house, including my bedroom.  They're clearly jerks (for other reasons as well) so I don't care about my dog barking at 3 am when I'm so sick.

So today is Saturday, is this Day 3?  I woke up in desperate need to vomit.  Suppressed appetite and diarrhea since this started means my stomach doesn't have anything in it except mucus.  So ... much ... mucus.  Did you know that our sinuses push about a quart of mucus A DAY?  Most of it ends up swallowed.  So, I'm delighted that my immune system is doing its job so well, even if the vomiting was unpleasant.  I don't think I've vomited in decades.  The only times I really remember vomiting were when I was a child and ate too much crab, when I was super seasick, and when I got super drunk when I was 18.*  I've probably vomited more than that, and more recently, but I cannot remember.  There have been times that vomiting would have given relief, like with food poisoning, but my body almost always prefers the diarrhea method instead.  

ANYWAY.  I feel better now with that done hopefully.  

This appetite suppression is wild.  Normally I am hungry a lot and it takes a lot to satisfy me, and when I'm hungry I have a hard time focusing, so I just eat.  And so I'm fat.  And I've tried the tricks - portion control, lots of fiber, etc. etc.  But when it comes down to it, I'd rather be fat than hungry.  And while I do eat junk food for taste instead of hunger and I do stress eat and such, almost all my eating is because I'm hungry. And I come by these bad signals honestly - both parents.  My mother got addicted to fen-phen because she had so much power, and I finally understand the appeal.  To not have a ravenous appetite is amazing!  I am still eating, but much less.  A bowl of chicken noodle soup, half a sandwich, handful of cherries, 1/2 c. of gnocchi, one cookie, honey in tea, cream in coffee.  That's it all day.  That people normally can live on this astounds me but how glorious that would be!  Also, I would spend less money.  Maybe this will be a little reset for my consumption.  Here's hoping.  

I'm so grateful that I'm not experiencing any respiratory issues right now - lungs are fine.  And I'm super grateful that this is not happening during a hurricane.  To feel this crappy without AC would really suck. 

My big plans for today are to do some laundry so I have a clean nightgown, change sheets, take a shower, stay hydrated.  I might see about a telehealth appointment and if a friend can pick up some meds for me, though right now my sinus issues are somewhat abated so I've got a low grade headache, postnasal drip, and general malaise but not so bad as last night when I couldn't sleep from the pain.  The symptoms keep moving around so I don't want to spend money on something that isn't useful.  And clearly my front line immune system is doing a splendid job so I don't want to mess with that.  I'm thrilled that my eyes hurt less.  I feel that I'm just in a waiting game to heal up.

 

*The difference between me and most people is that I said being hung over like that is no fun, so I haven't done that much again.  

COVID

 Within 12 days of deciding I could stop masking all the time, I came down with COVID.  

On Wednesday afternoon it hit me and I felt fatigued.  The test was negative.  On Thursday I felt awful but with negative test I went to work (masked, staying away from people), then came home.  The sinus pain and sore throat were the first after the fatigue, then headache and muscle pain.  Last night I tested again and it was positive.  Fever of 101.  

I got the first booster, but when I went for the second they refused to give me a different one (I didn't want Pfizer again as it made me quite ill).  And then I heard that it may make sense to wait until fall with a new booster, so I decided to wait.  And then I had an antibody test which seemed to indicate high antibodies, and I had an event that was better if I didn't mask at ... and boom, I got COVID.  

So my workplace policy is that I can't go back probably for a week. That eats up all my sick time unfortunately.  But hopefully I'm like other people I know who felt crappy for a couple of days but then felt fine and were just awaiting a clear test result.  Once I start feeling better I can jump into chores.  I always have plenty of them.  So here's hoping for a COVacation. 

I do feel a little better today I think, or at least not worse.  I plan to make some chicken noodle soup.  I was going to make a telehealth appointment to ask for Paxlovid, but I may not need it.  I'll see how I'm feeling at noon.  I have a ton of plant medicine and I've been taking elderberry and such.  Having a hard time drinking enough fluids but that's sort of my usual problem.  I will make smoothies and Italian sodas with elderberry.  I also have no appetite, not even for junk food, but that is certainly not the end of the world. 

thrift store fashion sense

 Last week I was near a thrift shop so stopped in and got a $3 hand mixer and two blouses.  One is too small but perfect crisp cotton (if I ever lose those 50 pounds it'll fit great) and the other accidentally caught my eye but it's also perfect.  

I'm super fussy about clothes, which you could never tell from looking at me with all my worn out ill fitting garb.  But it's worn out because if I like something I wear it to death, and it's not actually ill fitting it's just that I like everything to be roomy.  I do not like polyester, like at all.  LIke it will bother me all day and I will rip it off the soonest moment I can.  I'm also cheap AF, so while I may stylistically imagine myself in loose flowing linens, I can't afford that life (nor will I ever iron).  But sometimes there are thrift store finds that delight, like the perfect blouse which I wore today.

I'm no longer a school teacher but it would have been perfect in those days.  It's a little stretchy and cottony and light and breathable but also not revealing or hot.  It's not tight round my neck but also not boatneck with all day exposed bra straps.  It's patterned with flowers and not too short but also not too long.  It's perfect.  I couldn't ask for a better shirt, especially not for $4.99.  Now I need about four more.  

Anyway, this has got me thinking about life.  HOw long can I stay at this toxic job with its amazing life benefits (short hours, home for lunch, casual dress)?  I'm so tempted to move to a different job with much more stress and work ... but for what?  A sense of purpose?  Because I'm so bored where I am?  To improve the world?  

I'm ok with the increased workload, but I start to waver at the fancy clothes.  I hate fancy clothes.  HATE THEM.  I don't want to shave my legs or get pedicures or go shopping.  Like, at all.  

So that's where I am right now.

calculations

 Does everyone do calculations all day, every day?

For instance:

I just took my dog for a walk.  Instead of walking around the neighborhood, since I specifically moved here because of the wide open streets that should work well with a reactive dog, I drove a couple of miles to a campus where it is considerably less likely that we'll get rushed.  So many times I've had off-leash dogs rush us while in my neighborhood, and it freaks my dog out so hard plus then I get people upset when she's stopped the out of control dog (like by grabbing it by the neck and shaking it like a plush toy).  So I have this constant anxiety if we walk around the neighborhood that a dog will come out of nowhere and it will be a fight to the death (since my dog has also done that and is in fact always looking for that).  So is it worth the gas money to drive to have a much more likely to be pleasant walk?  That comes out ye but I still get pissed off every time I can't just walk down my street.

Now I'm canning half and half.  I bought 64 ounces for $6.49 at Costco, and I can it into 8 oz and 6 oz jars because that's easier to get through before it goes off than it is the 16 oz containers I can buy for approximately $3.50 (because I go high end).  If I buy the smaller containers, it costs 20 cents per oz instead of 10 cents per oz for the canned containers, which saves me about $6.  When I calculate in electricity and wear on jars and lids (I reuse lids so it's a de minimus expense, but maybe knock off $1.50 for that), it's still saving money.  How about my time?  Well, it's just going on in the background as I'm doing other things. So I'm saving about $4.50 about every six weeks by canning half and half.  But honestly I'm only doing it for hurricane season at this point, and I need to knock it off.  Costco milk has low humane score, and while I'm not going vegan I do like animals treated well.  I'll stick with Organic Valley and Whole Foods brands which have high humane scores.

How much time and effort do I spend on repairing something rather than replacing?  For a $60 portable speaker (hopefully just a faulty charging cord), considerably more than a $3 flashlight (with battery corrosion I tried to clean but it still won't light up - and I'm sure glad I found this now and not when I'm rushing to find a flashlight).

Anyway, it's all this, all the time.

next

 I think that part of me has been afraid of finishing up the major house projects.  Like if this centrifugal force of damaged home is no longer applied so strongly on me, that I will just collapse into a pile of mush that can only watch streaming videos and eat junkfood.

And also, that what if I cannot fix the issues and I have to live with them forever?  Now they have the full potential of a Heisenberg situation, but what if I finally apply my best efforts and things still look like shit?  Like, last night I finally replaced the air return and despite cutting the paint it still came up and looks like crap and now I need to repaint which is no problem except that I would not want to replace the register until that paint has cured at least two coats, and I am currently running my AC 24 hours a day and likely will at least another two months.  So now instead of a super ugly rusty beat up air register I'm looking at a nice new register with ugly wall all around it.  

Just one example.

But I'm tired of my guest bedroom being entirely dissembled and unusable due to needing to fix things and paint.  Maybe I need to just finish it all.  

Because I have new projects to move onto.  In addition to the never-ending tasks of gardening, housekeeping, and food production, there is the renewed focus on health.  I don't need every iota of energy for rebuilding house and yard anymore, so I can spend some on exercise.  Also, I have quilts to finish, which just requires some focus to fix my tension issue and time when my hands can hold the needle.  I have some organizational projects and a new friend who wants to help.  And I have some renewed and strengthened friendships to spend time with now that I'm not spending all my energies on the house and feel like any time away is wasting time.  I've been feeding my sick friend this week and her enthusiasm for my cooking reminds me why I do this.  Also I have so much more to learn about plant medicines.  And of course there is so much political activism that needs to be done.  

So.  

No need to hold off finishing.  It's time to move on to the next things.

snug

 My clothes are feeling tight.  They've been tight for a minute, but even more so lately.  

I've been allowing myself quite a lot of junkfood and probably even just ending that would make things easier for me. I'm also noticing loose upper arms, and lifting some weights wouldn't hurt me.  Same for flexibility-improving, so things like putting bowls of water for the dog on the floor in the morning arent so challenging.  And some aerobic exercise wouldn't hurt me, either. 

So, putting this intention in my life.  Need to make some habits.  I miss being strong and limber.  

I left work early for an appointment and then I sure did want to roam through Trader Joe's.  I wanted bread (don't have time to bake sourdough now) and to check their fruit, but I know that siren call.  I'd be leaving with cookies and all sorts of things I don't need.  It's definitely not a healthy store.  

But I was itching to spend some cash, so I picked up a couple of wonderful New Orleans themed fat quarters to make a baby quilt for friends I met here, then to Goodwill where I found a handmixer and a couple of blouses.  So I spent less than $25 on things I actually can use and got that itch satisfied.  

And now I'm home with my ever long chore list.  Thunder is telling me I likely won't get the outside things done, but I also have a heap of indoor things to do, from fix painting to install a new bidet to vacuum to clean chairs.  I got these two armchairs for free and they are great except that I have cleaned them probably a dozen times and they still look dirty.  How many times do I have to do this or do I just give up?  This is ridiculous.  

If I get the new fancy job I want, I will be buying living room furniture ASAP.  A top priority.  

Tomorrow I have a social event which will get me out of the house, but otherwise I want to hunker down except for dogwalks.  I need to get better about COVID precautions again but I've gotten lazy.  I need a productive weekend.  

I'm reading Run, Rose, Run by Dolly Parton and James Patterson which I'm rather enjoying, and then Chapel Hart showed up on my timeline and I just love them even more as I'm thinking about up and coming country singers. 

all is groovy

You know that scene in the movie when the (s)hero glides through a sparkly world, where everyone greets with a smile and helpful hand?

Yeah, that's me today.  And it's bizarre but wonderful.

Stranger out of the blue reached out to me to share information that will save me easily 100 hours of work for not having to compile it myself. 

I found people I was looking for without the usual difficulty involved.

Everybody gave me all the things I asked for.

Emails telling me how wonderful I am continue to flow in. 

My colleague shouts out "Super star!" when he sees me. 

Another colleague shielded me from somebody who would have taken too much energy. ("She is DYING to meet you. I told her this is not the time.")

Coworkers smiling at me and treating me deferentially.  

And so on.

(We'll just skip over the ongoing challenges, a student loan matter that needs to get dealt with and they keep hanging up on me, an insurance check I'm expecting, a doctor who has just decided he's not going to order a thyroid test I've been getting for 20 years and is the key indicator of my issue.)

I know this city is like an abusive relationship, but the good parts of it and the good times are really good  

the gift of giving

A bunch of neighbors gave me small bottles, which I will fill with plant medicine to share.  They clear their cupboards, I make them useful, win-win. 

I caught wind that a friend was sick and reached out; she needed groceries, so I took care of that for her.  It's such a little thing, I was even going for myself and she lives not far from me.  I had just noticed that I'm a bit underspent on food this month, so it's even in my budget to just carry the cost (though she keeps trying to Venmo me).  This is a friend who does so much for so many people, who would drop everything to help me if I ever needed - in fact tries even when I'm resistant to help.  She's an amazing person. To buy her milk and bread is a privilege.

This is how I spend my days - giving/receiving, receiving/giving.  What a marvelous cycle this is.

if I were a rich man

 I know that money doesn't buy happiness, but it helps.

For example, if I get a job that pays significantly better, I can install solar panels with battery backup.  

Currently that isn't feasible because I was quoted I think like $40K for solar.  But if I were making considerably more money, I could afford it.  It doesn't work on a straight cost-benefit analysis because I wouldn't save that much in electricity, maybe like $1,000/year.  But it definitely works as a luxury item - if I could have that, it would make weathering hurricanes so much easier.  SO MUCH.  And I would save evacuation expenses, food replacement (no refrigerator), etc.  Plus, after that I could get an electric car again, or a plug-in hybrid at least.  And the less I'm relying on fossil fuels for my life, the better I feel.

New Orleans, the damn seductress

 I've been ready to leave this city for a minute.  I was away for three years, in remote and small yet well-functioning cities (overall), and then I came back here.  I came back to a dug-up driveway and front yard that the water company would not repair, to a massive water bill that they would not fix, to potholes and corruption and violence.  And then came Hurricane Ida, which was a real eye-opener for me regarding climate change and lack of resilience in the city.  I jumped into mutual aid before and after, helping transport newly-released-from-detention asylum seekers and then people affected by the storm, giving away what I had but wasn't using at the time.  I ripped out the extremely overgrown and bizarrely planned "English garden" with invasive tropicals and replaced with native plants, trying to reestablish ecosystem.  

I got a job quicker than I'd expected so wasn't able to finish the work I wanted to do, and I'm still trying to play catchup there.  I've been overwhelmed but slowly getting through.  I spent a tremendous amount of my savings on hurricane repairs. 

And now?  I just don't feel finished with this place.  I was ready to throw in the towel as soon as my loans were done, selling the house and heading west.  In many ways this is the smartest thing to do.  I do not know how long I can make a profit on my house, what with the economy and hurricanes and all of that.  I do not know how long we'll all still be here.  Hurricanes are tremendously stressful, from prepping to making a evacuation decision to living without electricity for weeks.  

This place is hard.  Really hard. Really, really hard.  

But it is seductive AF as well.  

I keep getting pulled back into webs.  On Friday I met a stranger and we discovered that we had a mutual friend who died a few years ago whom we loved dearly, and so I stood with that stranger and we cried about losing her.  And I brainstormed how to set something up in her memory that she would approve of, and I reach out to people and they're all in - whether they knew her or not - and if we make it happen I'll reach out to many others.  She was such an incredible person and I want people to say her name and appreciate her.  

I have contacts and connections that I can activate to make things happen, and they build.  Do I really want to try to start over?

And I'm really not done with this garden.  I want to plant more trees, I want to see it fully develop as an oasis.  I've only been working on it for less than a year, I want more time to see it flourish.  

But I also cannot stay in the job where I am now for much longer - I have to make more money and be in a healthier environment.  So, we'll see what the future holds. 

vindicated

 Last night after I posted here, I got a call from a VIP where I work.  She wanted to rave about how well the project went, how it was exactly what she wanted, that I did a great job and everyone is saying it was fantastic. 

I knew there was a good likelihood of this happening - even though they were ready to fire me 24 hours previous for sticking to my guns and doing the work but not kissing the ass.  But I made them look good, and at the end of the day that's what matters to them.  I made a few creative choices that could have flopped but I used my will to prop them up and they paid off.  

I have a very strong will.  I always have.  When I was four years old, my mother got a call that I was tricycling on the main road - I wanted to go to town, she said no, so I just started to pedal my way there.  I was a difficult child and I can be a difficult adult, but it also makes me driven and successful.  I don't get dismayed or deterred with drama or sabotage, I just buckle down and power through it - if it's something that I really want or need to do.  If something gets too difficult, I will step back and contemplate whether it's just really not worth doing, and I will change course.  But once I'm locked in, there's no stopping me.  

When I was abroad, I was developing and implementing through a prestigious local government department.  The people in charge loved me because I could just cut through everything to actually make things happen - and this is a country with a very high corruption and structural chaos problems, but I just made it work.  I used my charm and my will, and once i even slept with someone to get access to something that only he had.  (I also found him attractive and I was on a break from the two men I kept going back and forth between, but it's a funnier story the first way.)  So a local man I worked with one day decided that what he didn't like about me (he was always fussing about something, like how I walk) was that I got whatever I wanted.  I was like "Dude, I'm not doing things to advance ME.  I'm doing things that local people in charge want done, that need to be done to help the country."  And he still gave me a sour face but that was just him, because he was upset that he couldn't always get what he wanted.  MInd you, I did not always get what I worked for, but I was definitely swimming downstream - I fit in and could make things happen in a way most other people couldn't.  It did not hurt that people loved my ass, which my tailor accentuated.  Once I was striding through a hallway and a woman stood with mouth agape and just gasped as she saw me approach.  I asked her if she was ok because it looked like she was stroking out.  "Wow!  You are SO BEAUTIFUL."  I don't consider myself so beautiful and I don't think in the United States I particularly am, but my body type (except white skin) was their beauty standards.  That helped, I know.  

Back in the United States, I am a slovenly, fat, middle-aged woman*.  And so people underestimate me all the time. I don't demand credit, i just work hard to make things happen.  So then it's like a sneak attack when they realize that i just accomplished something very difficult.  

That's what this past week's project was like.  And the best description of what I'm feeling is vindication.  I had a vision and I pushed to make it happen, and it did.  Haha to the naysayers and quibblers and drama babies.  Y'all don't matter.  

I did something big and it was very successful because I'm a badass bitch. 

And also I'm feeling some relief.  While they're already talking about me doing this again, I got to sleep well.  I woke up feeling rested for the first time in ages.  But I will also say - I had no anxiety about yesterday.  I have seen this GP doctor who seems to think I'm very anxious and nervous.  I'm not.  He talks really fast and says a lot of unnecessary things, so perhaps my annoyance with him is misinterpreted as nervousness, and perhaps I need to make that clearer.  He prescribed me propanolol because of his interpretation of my affect and also I've said occasionally since menopause I've had anxiety attacks.  Sometimes while driving (I mean, come on, that's a reasonable response if you think about what driving is) or when having to present to a group, that sort of thing.  I get a super fast heartrate, flush, all that.  It's not pleasant, but it's also not unusual to happen during menopause with hormonal changes, just like hot flashes and other such things (which fortunately I haven't experienced really, though I sure do run hot so am eternally grateful for the icebox temperature in my office).  He just really wants to diagnose me and treat me for anxiety, and when I pushed back he was like "well are you on this end of the spectrum with anxiety symptoms or over here with depression symptoms?"  That was such a stupid question - it's not a spectrum, those can co-exist - and I feel anxiety or depression as a result of circumstances, not intrinsically (as I'd told him before).  I got depressed during the pandemic isolation because that is a very normal response s a human to being so isolated.  I get anxiety when I think about car accidents as I'm driving because it is very scary, especially when drivers keep getting shot here.  I got anxiety symptoms in my last job when I wasn't allowed to sleep through the night or have days off.  That's not pathological.  It's not pathological to get nervous speaking to a large group of prestigious people.  But he convinced me that everyone takes propanolol to handle nervousness like that - newscasters, all kinds of people.  Fine, I picked up the prescription.

But with this big project, I felt no anxiety.**  Even when under threat of being fired.  Even when speaking to many prestigious and critical people.  A normal person would have been nervous about all of it, but I was cool as a cucumber.  Why?  Because I don't actually have anxiety as a usual state.  NOT that there would be anything wrong if I did - I just don't like an incorrect diagnosis.  

Clearly I'll be seeing a different doctor in the future.  I'm especially annoyed with him for not ordering the blood test that I get checked every year.  He wrote it wrong on the order and now he's trying to argue with me about it.  No, sir.  You will not prevail here.  Don't test my will. 

*From the perspective of strangers.  I do not consider myself slovenly, but I like to dress comfortably from a very small wardrobe and hang my clothes on a line without ironing and I don't wear makeup, etc.  I am fat but I am not ashamed about that.  And what the hell can I do about being in my 50s?  It's not my fault our culture wants to denigrate or ignore middle-aged women.  So fuck 'em.  I'm fine with who I am.

** In part because of amazing friends and colleagues who let me vent.  I let it rip and they listened and supported me, and then I just moved on.  Support systems are so important.  A colleague who is being scapegoated vents to me nearly every day (and I to her), and every day I say to her: "You are ethical and you are competent.  Some people are threatened by that, but do not let them change you."  She said she told her therapist how good that makes her feel every time I say it.  I have a little fantasy that I get the fancy job I'm still hoping for and then I can fire a person who I've seen be extremely problematic and replace her with my current colleague because she IS ethical and competent. 

fuck 'em

This week I pulled off a big project.  It's been in the works for months.  A boss wanted it done, i have the skillset, so I made it happen.

I made it happen despite the drama.  Despite the sabotage from my coworkers and supervisor, who wanted to second guess every decision.  Yesterday the main boss wanted to challenge my decisions AFTER IT WAS TOO LATE.

And then at the end of day, our partners sent me an email saying they weren't going to do their part for today.  They gave me this notice 1/2 hour before EOB for something that started early today.  It was incredibly unprofessional, but not too surprising because they've been jerks all along.  So then I told bosses because there could be political fallout, and they told me to make it right, and then late at night I got an email that I had to fix it.  Wait, what?  I have to fix them not coming to do something they agreed to by ... what, going to their houses and dragging them there?  Like, what the actual fuck.  And so I essentially said that.  I pushed back hard.  I said I don't care if they show up or not, that I did all the work and don't need them.  Because of their shenanigans, I was up late last night working and early this morning because I needed to be, because I'm a professional, and many of my coworkers rallied for me today.  Even those who previously attempted sabotage. 

Because if I was going to take the heat for those people being unprofessional, and if I was going to be threatened about it (the email was worded in such a way to make me know that I was likely to get fired for this breakdown with the unprofessional "partners"), then I'm going down with a fight.

And in addition to talking back, I worked the angles.  I called in some political favors, made some new allies, and I made this thing work out well.  Very well.  "Best I've ever seen" some said.  I don't think it was that good, but it was good.  Because I am good at what I do. 

And once I knew everything was good, I told the whole story to a colleague who is also a political favor, and he listened and opined and then said, "Seriously?  Fuck 'em."  

Agreed.

I did good.  I found the right people to rely on, like him.  I dug my heels in and made it happen.  

For this I can be proud.  

work weird

 I had two kind of weird things today.

I saw the guy who had the job that I want, in his new role.  We passed in a hallway unexpectedly and I was like "Hi!  How are you?  How's the new gig??"  And he asked, "So ... did you throw your hat in the ring?"  Which kind of surprised me because he didn't even tell me he was leaving, it was somebody else who forwarded me the announcement.  

"I did!  But I haven't heard anything, so ..."

"Look, I mentioned you to [the boss of this job and my former boss].  I asked them to send me the list of applicants so I can make recommendation.  Last I heard, they aren't even looking at it until August."  

In our last conversation, I was on kind of a roll about a project and he was like "Look, I cannot even really fully grasp all your brilliance, but I am here to vote for you in whatever you want."  Which was kind of a nice thing to say, and I didn't act humble, because frankly I am kind of a smarty pants about some things.  But I do not - ever - want to run for office.  I do not have a political stomach AT ALL.  

So maybe he really will say good things about me, and maybe my former boss will put a word in with her higher ups.  I don't know.  But I do know that I want to be considered for that job because it's right up my alley and pays a lot better, and also I have a friends there from when I worked there before.  I don't want the longer commute, the not being able to come home for lunch, the required travel.  But I do want more money.  Three years there could make a big difference in my retirement situation.  

So here's the other weird thing today.  I did all this work on a project with a partner organization, and at the very last minute (like 1/2 hour before the end of the workday before it is to be delivered), I get this email about "you don't really want to partner with us so we're not showing up."  Mind you, I did 90% of the work so if they don't really show up it's no big deal - I was able to deal with their contribution in 15 minutes and it's covered.  But it's the absurdity of this situation, of choosing to be offended and act like children instead of calling me about a misunderstanding.  About me not responding to a snarky email because I'd previously said we'd work it out on Friday.  And so, just pulling out, leaving me holding the bag.  Um, ok.  No big deal, but now I have to deal with the politics of it all.  Sheesh.  Good grief.  

It's still going to be good and fun, but this was a weird stunt to pull.  Apparently there's a lot of drama right now, so I'm just trying to ride the wave. 

applecart upright and loaded

 Today I had a conversation with a professional contact that turned to the possibility of me leaving my current job for a different organization, where he is.  I will not lie, I very much appreciate working with him, and we spent the end of our meeting standing in the hallway arguing about who appreciates who more.  He's the guy who responded to me within seconds on Saturday agreeing to help me with a work thing.  He would be my supervisor and he plans to be there for two more years, and after so many bad bosses the thought of having one who would actually have integrity is enough to make me want to jump ship.  The work would be hard and wouldn't pay more, but could be valuable in my work history.  I wouldn't do it for too long but if I could work with him and based on my past experience as well as some other relationships I've made, I could potentially master it pretty quickly.

Right now in this moment I feel like my apple cart is loaded.  Each apple is carefully placed to have an apple tower.  A heap of apples.  OF course at any moment, that apple cart could tip over and I would have very few apples.  But right now I'm feeling ok.  I'm still hoping for a significant insurance check, the stock market isn't in such free fall right now as I watch years of savings vanish*, and I'm hopefully wrapping up work on my house if it ever stops raining enough for the painters to continue (I've not seen them in weeks; every day there's a high chance of rain but rarely do I see any).  There's no hurricane in the Gulf right now threatening to cause serious damage and take the very last of my savings.  In this moment I do not think of my financial situation as profoundly dire, though that may come again soon.  It likely will.  But this morning I got to move money out of checking into savings because I've underspent lately, and that is a very good feeling.  I got a $175 bonus from a credit card that will pay for my gas for a couple of months, and I don't have to keep my gas tank full because there's not a hurricane aiming for us now. 

Things will unravel again someday, but I will enjoy this moment right now.

*Yes, I know not to watch the stock market like that.  But it goes into my financial statement to consider. 

how do people get so rich

 A friend has sort of disappeared off Facebook so I did a little sleuthing.  What I didn't expect to find is that the property taxes on their house is about what I live on a year. The value of their house is about 15 times the value of my house.

They're not ultrarich.  He works hard, long hours.  I know this.  She is the homemaker and expects nothing of him in that realm.  She is an excellent hostess and has zero problem with other people doing work for her.  Last time I saw her, she was traveling without her very young children as she often did so that she could have a good time, which is just kind of out of the realm of reality for people I know.  Her mother left her with grandparents for years when she was young so I guess it is culturally appropriate.  

Anyway, I'm just kind of astounded that they're that rich, I guess.  

How do I get some of that money?  Not theirs, but earn my own like they/he does?  Is it too late for me?  Did I make poor people choices for too long?

I feel a righteousness about my frugality, really.  I was just tallying the expense of my excellent dinner to be about $1.50 per serving because I get a rush from living within low means.  I like doing things for myself and struggle to think of hiring someone to do my garden or other work (which is why I'm so behind on everything).  I dress down, always.  Often in free or thrifted clothes.  I have only had three haircuts in five years.  I have driven the same vehicle for over 20 years. Having coffee out is a big and rare deal, much less a meal (and honestly my cooking is better than most places so why bother).  I have all the money I need to be ok, but not to feel like I'm getting ahead or can retire.  

How people get rich is something completely outside my understanding.  Nobody in my family ever has been wealthy to any extent.  We are farmers and teachers, salt of the earth.  I ahve always been very skeptical of money.  But the older I get, the more I see its value.  Wish I knew how to get more.

summer gardening in the South

For people not from the South, gardening is peculiar.  The pests and blights are astounding and disheartening, and the unforgiving sun takes a toll.  Things you think should grow well in summer simply do not or you have to work so hard to keep them alive.  

But then you discover okra.  And sweet potatoes.  And field peas.  And roselle.  You stop trying with corn and tomatoes and green beans and other things you think you should be getting, or anything that requires a long time to grow because the pests will get it.  You pay attention to the first bananas you've ever grown in your yard, watching for a flower and then delighting every day with each new discovery.  

This year I finally decided to battle the squash vine borers and I got bT and syringes, and it worked ... and then I promptly lost the syringes (eveyrthing is so chaotic and disorganized because of the ongoing work on my house).  I enjoyed some cucumbers and zucchini but I think they're done now.  I'm still getting several butternut squash (whoever said the borers won't eat butternut vines are fucking liars) but the rest is a loss, which is ok because they're also being consumed by vines from field peas and sweet potatoes.  I need to figure out what I'm doing with the field peas besides feeding them to my coworker's animals.  I know I can harvest them dry but I want to try green but I'm not sure about preparation and all that (can I eat the hulls too or what?).  

I ride with what works because I am a very laissez faire gardener.  I don't even like to have to water and I'm certainly not spraying or anything else.  Thrive or not.  I'll eat what I get. 

And I'm getting a lot.  This is the first time I feel I can really say that my gardening is reducing my food bill.  I am rarely buying produce, which is usually my biggest expense, except for onions and garlic.  I have much frozen and canned in addition to what I'm harvesting fresh.  

And I keep thinking how I can be doing things better, like with trellises and better planning.  I feel like I'm still learning so much.

So for all the countless reasons I'm ready to leave New Orleans tomorrow, there are two main reasons I find leaving also difficult: friends and garden.  I don't feel that either of those paths are to the end.

If I move to Oregon, I have both.  I have the best friends, and I have successfully gardened there before, plus there is a bounty of farmers markets and upick farms.  I used to work at a farm there. I know the growing of food there well.  It will be fine.

But I will miss the okra, the bananas, the sweet potato vines.  I will miss the 16 years of cultivated relationships that pop up at every turn.  

Life in either place is not perfect but is fine.  There is wonder and joy everywhere.  

Saturday vibes

 I'm quite focused on an upcoming project for work, so I just can't with projects around the house right now.  I only have so much project focus.

I couldn't figure out a problem relating to the project.  Finally I thought of a solution at 3 pm on this Saturday and messaged a colleague.  He replied within seconds and agreed to meet up to help.  Feeling really grateful for that.

Also grateful for the very tasty okra mess on my stovetop right now.  I've been gathering it as it comes in rather slowly at the beginning of the season, and today I'm cooking it.  I'm not calling it gumbo because it doesn't have andouille and I never make a roux, but it has okra and Polish sausage I need to use up and chicken and the trinity and Tony Chachere's and file powder and homemade chicken stock, and I just tasted it and it is fucking good.  Rich, so needs rice.  

Can't wait until the okra starts coming in hard and I can start pickling it and such.  On the other hand, I didn't plant much okra in beds that are doing well, so maybe I'll just eat it like this all season.  Or maybe I'll plant some more.  I *love* pickled okra.  I'm super enjoying the pickled carrots from my garden that I put up a few months ago.  

I picked up a big stack of books from the library, all revolution-focused.  Trying to remind myself I prefer reading to TV viewing.  I also picked up a set of glass dishes with serving bowl that somebody was giving away - it will be perfect for fruit salad if my brunch days ever return.

I went to a plant sale and got five native beauties that I think I have good spots for, including lizard's tail which I've been trying to find because I think it looks really cool.  

Tomorrow I'll be more productive, get out and do yard work and all the house things that must be done.  But today I'm just really enjoying having a Saturday free to kick back.  I was thinking I should do work and I brought my work computer home, but I don't want to.  I'll plan to go in early all this week instead.  It'll be fine.  I don't want to give up my weekends, especially after the last job that stole every other weekend.  

It's a good day.  Time to eat some okra goodness.

the handler

 Yesterday I was at a meeting with a VIP from where I work and a VIP from a previous job.  The current VIP is using me to get to the previous VIP, and since that is apparent to the previous VIP and she also wants an in with my current organization, I've played along.

When current VIP left the room briefly, previous VIP asked me how things are going.  "Honestly, since you're asking, I think I'm about ready to move on.  As you know I've always been very happy making things work behind the scenes, but I'm feeling ready to be more in charge."  She said: "What are you thinking?  Let's talk, maybe we could make that happen where you currently are."  "Maybe, and I've thought about that, but I think that the systemic issues are so deep - " She laughed and said, "Oh yes, I know."  

Why did I tell her?  Because she's well-connected and might recommend me for something good.  I should also have just told her I also want to make more money, because that's definitely a concern as well.  I can be honest with her like that.  We have not always seen eye-to-eye and sometimes she has driven me up a wall, but we know each other. 

Anyway, when we left and she hugged me goodbye, she turned to current VIP and said "I just love working with this one!" And he said "So do I.  She can handle me."

Handle him?  Why does he need a handler?  That's not my job. 

But whatever, that doesn't matter.  What may matter is that I have cover to be at my job where I am now because I'm partially protected by VIPs.  Because my current job people act so arbitrarily and capriciously with HR and firings, you never know.  They want everyone to cower in fear.  I do not want to be fired, I want to leave before that.  The person who fires the most and who is the least mentally stable has been trying to put me in her sights and I'm refusing to play along.  

It's toxic and crazy and seriously the worst place I've ever been regarding the incompetence and sabotage.  It's insane.  I have to get out.  But I also have to wait a little bit longer.  

Maybe something good will come from all this.  Right now we're just trying to survive. 

the new neighbors

 When I moved into this house nearly seven years ago, it was situated in kind of a wasteland.  2 out of 3 houses had been torn down after Katrina.  My house was elevated about 8' up because of it.  It was kind of spooky but amazingly quiet, which is what I wanted with my crazy dog.  Except for my awesome neighbors from Honduras, I was completely surrounded by vacant lots.  It was amazing.

And now housing is being built and it's far from amazing.  These people next door have really gotten on my nerves for so many inconsiderate things - like building a fence feet over onto my property, leaving up an outhouse for a year right at my property, removing grass to put down plastic to make the street flood more, or now putting up a ton of security lights that shine into my yard and windows.  They're just really narcissistic assholes and I'm super tired of them and all their trash and sand on my property from them.  

And I know it's almost time for me to leave here, but I'm so cozy in so many ways.  And I have a banana tree that's making fruit!  It's amazing!  Each day another flower petal reveals MORE BANANAS.  If I leave in three months, I don't think I'll get bananas because they won't be ready to harvest.  Though, I am definitely not above driving cross country with a rack of bananas on the top of my truck and just eating them for the whole trip.  Hm.

And sweet potatoes.  They shouldn't be ready to harvest for a couple months yet, but I found several very large ones very ready, so I just dug them out with my hands hoping the rest in there keep growing.  I should check all the plants to see if there's more, but it's such a jungle.  

I love my jungle, my crazy yard.  With all the pollinator plants and food and medicine.  So much work.  And I"m going to just leave it all?  For somebody to rip it all out and lay sod?  

Sigh.

I know I have a thousand reasons to leave here.  Highest crime in the country, massive systems failure, climate change with ever more brutal hurricanes, toxic and unfulfilling job, and so on.  I should go while the getting is good.  While I can get money for my house, before things turn to more shit.  Before insurance and taxes and all of that make it impossible. 

This has been my home for so long, and it has been really good to me in many ways.  I'll be sad to leave.  Lots of feelings.  But the light pollution is making it easier.

first friends, new friends

 A friend invited me over for a small gathering at her house, and as the night went on it became clear how important this is for her.  She bought fancy foods and everything.  And it was so good to see them.  To see their children growing up, how they have settled into their marriage comfortably.  We met when I first moved here so many years ago, right after Katrina, and they were still figuring out their marriage and parenthood and living in a FEMA trailer and a horrible Katrina story and all of it.  They are wonderful people and it makes me so happy to see them thriving.  And also so happy to just enjoy a party. And their son who is on the spectrum really enjoyed asking us kind of off the wall questions that we responded to thoughtfully and he would think about, and as the oldest child present he was straddling the child and adult worlds and the children are self-reliant and it was all great to see. 

She invited other friends as well, people I hadn't met before, who recently (relatively) moved here.  They seemed fine, but as we marveled at the new shed's organization and I said how desperately I need to do that myself, the woman said "Oh, please let me help.  I love to do that."   And then she asked me for advice about native plants, and we exchanged numbers because I really could use the help and I'm rather evangelical about native plants.  

There is no place I've ever lived where it was so easy to make and keep friends as New Orleans.  It's sometimes been challenging that there's not a BFF here, but it's just an open to friendship kind of place. I will miss this.  My BFF says that I'm good at making friends wherever I go, but I don't know about that.  I'm fussy and the older I get the harder it is, honestly.  But it's always easier in New Orleans. 

money woes

 I got what I guess is a final insurance payout, and it's waaaay less than I was hoping for.  

So when I do a financial analysis, I'm way worse off than I was a year ago.  In that year, I've been working full-time, living a crazy frugal lifestyle (doing so much work myself instead of paying people to do it, getting all used/free house furnishings, etc.), and yet I'm going backwards.  Of course the bear market doesn't help, but that's only part of it.  I have spent almost $50,000 rebuilding this house, and that was pretty much my savings.  Some things are cosmetic like the exterior painting right now, but the bulk of that was on hurricane repairs.  And things got wildly expensive once that started, what with the rotted decking and termite-destroyed walls and everything else, so I would be in worse financial shape if I weren't scrimping and saving and bargain shopping, but this scares the fuck out of me, honestly.  

The last thing that I can afford to do right now is go backwards financially.  

Three more months in my current job and then find something new that pays better.  It will be longer hours again, less convenient, and that will be hard on the dog.  Which makes it hard on me.