chopping and spending

 My poor fingertips are shredded from ripping out dried fruit from the dehydrator shelves.  I've been harvesting and cutting up SO MUCH FRUIT, and today my fancy new dehydrator arrived and so I'm really going to town.  That's three dehydrators, including the one I borrowed from a friend.  

My plan tomorrow is to harvest all the green plums that I can reach (I have a 10' ladder and I'm not afraid to climb up it especially with somebody besides my dog holding onto it) and run maybe two more full loads of those (I cut them in half and the stones are usually easy to get out, they're just a massive PITA to get off the trays when dry) and give all the rest away (which I've been doing).  I've probably gathered about 30 gallons of those green plums already and I'm guess maybe another 10+ tomorrow. I plan to cut back branches at the same time - quite a few bent over and broke under the weight of so many plums, and I've been waiting to harvest and then trim all that back.  Friend brought over her chainsaw today and I'm set.   

 And then I will climb up and harvest all the pears I can reach with my tall ladder and harvest basket.  I've been just collecting them when they fall, and I've probably harvested over 100 that way (and collected more than that which go straight to the green bin if they have bites taken out or are otherwise too damaged).  As they ripen, I slice the good parts and dry them. There are probably at least another 150 in the tree, and I should be able to reach at least 60.  Once I finish the plums, I'll be running only pears in all three dehumidifiers until they're done in or I have to tap out.  I'm storing them in glass jars that I planned to put into my new little freezer, but I might run out of space.  Fortunately I won't run out of jars because Dear Friend has been stocking me up with jars every time she comes to visit.  

I've also been spending a shit ton of money.  A fence is going up now and it will double the size of my backyard, which is kind of hard to fathom.  It's not cheap but I will really enjoy this added space with the hound.

Today I cleaned my rugs for the first time, and little makes me humble more than the dirty water tank.  Filthy!  I'd bought this cleaner months ago but haven't felt the time and energy needed to get it out, but today I did and it was worth it.  But it's another box to open, which is actually pretty stressful for me.  I also just finally bought a blender on sale - I've been wanting one but putting it off, and there it was.  Another box. And I also ordered a thing that sucks the air out of jars (like when I store beans or dried fruit) which is also something I've wanted a long time but it still is stressful to spend so much money.

I'm not wired to be a consumer, which is perhaps a reaction to my mother's shopping addiction, but I think it's just the choices I've made as I grew into adulthood.  I buy shit, sure.  But the buying part of it is rarely pleasurable, and I wait quite a long time before purchasing.  LIke, I want a Fitbit as I continue with the Good Energy recommendations, and both my phone and laptop are old and struggling to function so need to be replaced.  But I'm over spending money for awhile.

Today I was at the grocery store feeling smug because I had $$ from container deposits, and so many coupons and sale items.  I went to get some laundry detergent and a woman was standing in my way, and she said she was doing math, figuring out the price per ounce with the sales. And so I joined her and we reached the conclusion I'd expected, and it was kind of fun to meet another frugal shopper.  I refuse to be embarrassed about trying to spend money.  Management at my office is pretending to laud me for bicycling to work, and I don't give a fuck.  I do what I do.  I save $8 in parking every time I bike instead of drive to work, plus gas and damage to my car from parking in public.  I just need to convince myself to do the double distance to where we often have meetings.  People there will mock me mercilessly, and again, I don't care.  I hate that I have to drive my car for work and don't get reimbursed.  I think it's some bullshit and I want to bike instead.  

So I plan to spend more money, on a pannier backpack that can fit what I need.  My current waterproof backpack fucks up files if I carry them, so I need to uplevel, and REI is having a sale.  I also need waterproof shoe covers and to check if my bike lights will be good enough, and then I think I'm set to give it a go, to keep bicycling more of the year including rainy season. 

OH, and I'm spending money on a haircut. Going very short again, in line with the not giving a fuck what other people think.

I've been sticking pretty well to the Good Energy diet, no refined sugar, no refined grains, no industrial seed oil.  It's frustrating to go to stores because about 90% of food is not allowable.  And yeah, I miss some of those things, but if this helps reduce my chronic pain then I'll stick with it.  And also, these things appear to impact brain function and development of dementia, something which scares the fuck out of me.  I will say that since cleaning up my diet about four weeks ago, my brain has been functioning better.  I haven't lost much weight (my thyroid has been flipping out - I can feel them both doing something, but they haven't seemed to push me to a hyper state).  (Edit: I plan to weigh myself on Sunday mornings going forward because the number on the scale jumps around so much, and while I didn't get a start weight four weeks ago same day/time, it looks like based on averages that I've lost about five pounds, which is a healthy 1.25#/week loss.)

And I think I know where I want to live after my dog dies.  It's another remote island, and I have good friends there, and history but not as much as the last islands I tried to live on.  I visited there twice, once to see a good friend, and then some years later for her funeral when she shockingly died.  I was so touched with the community's warmth and welcome; truly kind people and not like here.  I will plan to go for another visit in the next couple of years, to confirm that's how I still feel about it (friends there confirmed it today for them).  There is a job listing there, which is rare, but it got me thinking.

I like having plans.  I told Friend and she's now already grieving when I leave again.  The fence builders recognized her from her job, and asked how we knew each other.  "I rented a room from her in like ... 1992" and I could see them do the math.  Yes, we're old.  And that's ok. 

some things to be proud of

 I've been working super hard at my job and I've been successful, and today's success meant that I got out of a very stressful thing early, and so I called it mostly quits at noon and enjoyed being a person.  Friend stopped by, and I canned crushed tomatoes, and I just filled the food dehydrator with pears.  Godsons plan to visit tomorrow for an event and I'm thrilled to be able to have time and bandwidth to focus on them.  

And maybe I'll go to bed early tonight.  It's 9:12 pm and I'm looking that way.  

The diet adjustment is going pretty well.  I still take a small square of dark chocolate most days but that's nothing like I was, nearly a dessert a day.  I just gave away my gummy vitamins because they have 3 grams of sugar for the daily two.  I'm eating more fruit, more nuts.  I need to make some more energy balls as snacks.  

***

Two days later as I never seem able to push that publish button - 

Godsons came and we had a good time.  Their mother, Dear Friend, is really such a good friend.  We tell stories and the boys love to hear how things were when they were little.  The event they drove hours for was a bust, but we made our own adventure and they left with a trunk full of produce from our farm visits and my yard, and they will make pickles today.  

I am also left with a lot of good things to prepare and eat, which is good because I learned that my "diet" seems to be working.  I started the no refined sugar, no refined grains, no industrial seed oils diet three weeks ago, and it was a super stressful three weeks.  The most difficult I've experienced professionally.  And I stayed strong, through working grueling hours and managing challenges.  I had limited sleep at times but still managed to function.  I was legitimately tired but I did not have a pain flare-up.

Yesterday we went to eat at the restaurant that we used to love but I have not found good for a few years now.  I think they went to preprocessed foods away from their healthy roots and the taste and quality shows, but friends are loyal.  I ate what seemed to be healthy - eggs, vegetables - but I'm certain they used canola or another refined oil.  We came home and I climbed around for plums and it utterly exhausted me.  Then we had some other sugary snacks and some bland Indian food on white rice, and by the time they left my body was screaming with pain.  What can I do differently in the future, I can go to their favorite restaurant but eat at home first.  If I really want the ice cream, get a very small cup.  Make healthier suggestions.  Younger godson is also very concerned about inflammation caused by diet and he is usually our food decider so I just have to get him on board.

So today I will prepare foods with the green beans and tomatoes from my yard, the cucumbers I picked up.  I"ll check if there's more corn and eat that.  I'll graze the ripe green plums.  

It's a good day.

visits

 I texted an announcement for a cultural event to the godsons who live a few hours away.  I've been planning going because it's a block from my house and promises good food (it will be a treat day).  

And now they're coming to visit, up at the crack of dawn to make the drive.  

I'll be very happy to see them as always, and my dog will worship her favorite as always.  He had come to visit me for a few weeks like seven years ago, and my dog never forgets.  He is her favorite person.  He is the only person who can calm her.  

I'm just thrilled at my 20-something godsons will go out of their way to come and see me. 

addiction

 I went off refined sugar a few days ago and this has been ROUGH.  It feels like a goddamn detox.  today I was mumbling about WHAT THE FUCK IS MY METHADONE? and I think it's probably fruit, so I'll grab a peach in a minute.  Though TBH, I just ate some.  I'm not throwing away my food with low sugar and refined carbs, so I'm eating some jerky with some sugar in it.  (BTW, it's HARD to find some without sugar - I went to Whole Foods and tried.  And Trader JOe's yesterday and no luck.)  (Holy fuck this jerky has 12 grams of sugar for 1/4 of the package!  That's nuts!)

As soon as the sugar hit my system, I felt alive again.  

And I've sugar detoxed before and I never saw that I felt myself when off sugar, even after months.  Once I was staying for months at a refugee camp eating what refugees eat, and then a friend took me into the capital city and a cafe.  As soon as I swallowed that coffee and cake, I felt ALIVE again.  

Maybe the trick for me is to moderate the sugar intake - I absolutely have been eating too much.  But maybe I'll get a place where I can still eat some from time to time in reasonable amounts.  

But right now?  I'm a fucking addict in deep detox.  And this is fucking miserable. 

So the rules I'm getting to following (from Good Energy by Casey Means) are:

1. no refined sugars
2. no refined grains 
3. no industrial seed oils (no canola oil, etc.)

I bought some almond flour to make zucchini fritters and some heart of palm pasta to get me through that craving.  The seed oil is tough to find for all but homecooked foods, and I have olive and avocado oil.  And coconut though that seems to give me heartburn.  

I stocked up on snacks today - popcorn with olive oil (oh dang, I wasn't thinking about corn as a grain), nuts, coconut chips, sweet potato chips fried in coconut oil, nori sheets (cooked in olive oil), roasted chickpeas, etc.  Not to eat as healthy meals but to get me through some tough days ahead.  While I've been trying to stay away from ultraprocessed foods, none of these have the worst ultraprocessed ingredients. 

I knocked off work a little early today because I'll need to work all weekend and I'm pissed.  So today I should at least get my house cleaned and organized to power through the next rough work weeks.  

***

It's been about a week now and I'm doing ok with this so far.  Not excellent, but ok.  One tweak is that while Dr. Means doesn't think grains are necessary at all, I do.  I rarely feel satisfied without grains.  But only 100% whole grains.  I found some 100% whole wheat pitas at Trader Joe that will help me out until I can work out a 100% whole grain sourdough recipe. There's a 100% whole wheat loaf at a bakery that I like but it has honey in it.  Sourdough is nice because it requires no sugar.  I could also bake my own pitas.  I may get a grain mill again to have the freshest of flour.

It's more work to eat like this, reading every ingredient label and not grabbing something quick.  I found some energy balls at Whole Foods that I actually really liked - sesame butter around strawberry and date puree.  Not chemical tasting, no noxious ingredients.  I'll go pick up a few more to have on hand when I just can't cook.  

I am also still working my way through my larder and not throwing things away because they're in violation of the rules.  This is definitely a gradual transition.  The really big things to me are not eating sugary baked goods, which I've been doing too much of.  Hopefully I'll shed some pounds with just that one change. 

potluck ideas

 There's a group I'd met up with a time or two when I first moved here, and I just remembered that they're have a potluck quite near to my house.  Biking distance definitely, and that's the preferred transport for everyone.  

The challenge is to not have to go to the store to arrive prepared, and I think I'm good.  

I"m thinking of taking a cake that I make of quince jam, that I'll bake in the morning to cool so I can slice it and carry it in pieces.  

I'm also thinking of a salad with feta and tomatoes and cucumbers from my garden.  

Also considering a farro salad with roasted beets and carrots and feta (I have feta to use up).  Carrots from friend's garden that I planted; beet from farmers market.  

And then the first thought was a damson plum crumble, as I have frozen ones to use up.  

How can I be this ready to roll to feed other people but struggle so much for myself? 

weekends

 Feeling a little like an eco-activist today.  Errands have included qigong, looking for a "no soliciting' sign to put on my door, library to return and get a new book, and farmer's market.  Stops in between to come home to hang laundry on the line.  

It's a very nice day and I like being out in it.  

***

Unfortunately that completely knocked me out and I was horizontal most of the day with a lot of joint pain.  I'm hoping the day of rest will get me better tomorrow.  

***

And a week late

I'm working so much right now to prepare for some big events that there was no qigong.  Plus it kind of fucked my shoulders because I didn't modify when I could feel the strain.  The detente I have with my shoulders is that I don't overuse them and they don't freeze again (because that is fucking painful) and I violated the terms of our agreement, so I'm going to let them calm down before working them again.

Even without the qigong (whch was really different from what I'd done before - more targeted for health issues), I've been (knock on wood) feeling slightly better overall.  I haven't had a post-exertional malaise event for awhile.  I haven't been overexerting myself either, but I have been biking and doing some things.

But also so much sitting for working.  I'm aggravated because a coworker who was asking us to share extra work with her said she'd do a big thing for me, and then after wasting hours of my time getting up to speed, she said oh never mind I'm not going to do it.  Our boss said she doesnt have the bandwidth.  Well neither the fuck do I, which is why I asked for help.  So now I have to do all the things PLUS the things that weren't done in the week that it was technically hers PLUS fix some shit she did wrong.  And so this is a work weekend, sigh. I don't get paid overtime but I'm expected to always work 8-5 every day.  Salaried positions should be about some days are long days and some are shorter days, but I only get the long days unless I want to use my limited vacation time, and I call bullshit.  I have a string of big events through September, but I'm going to work short days in October as I put my garden in and work on house things.  And if I get any pushback I'll politely point out all the long days and weekends without help.  (I did get help on one last month and I'm very grateful, just annoyed about this specific person.)  My team is annoyed with me that I make more work for them but I am assigned more work than almost anyone so that annoyance is because they haven't worked with someone with so much assigned work.  I get that coming in to work to 15 emails that I sent the night before is annoying, but suck it up. I'm done trying to make them happy. 

So goals for this Sunday in addition to work are to cook some healthy food and finish cleaning the house (laundry, etc.).  If I have a clean house and some healthy food, it will make this week soooo much better.  I did buy a bunch of prepared food at Trader Joe because I won't have time to cook at all this week and I just cannot get into the Door Dash game.  And I know the ultraprocessed foods can increase my joint pain, but I don't really know what else to do right now as I am often too overwhelmed to even know what I want to eat for dinner.  i really want to order a pizza but I realized the last time I got my favorite one that it is so salty it negatively affected me.  Boo. 

I will make it through, I'm just a bit overwhelmed right now.  And the dog is belligerently reminding me that Sunday is walk day, so here we go