flaring

 I'm on what feels like maybe the downside of a flare-up and while not pain-free I am hopeful I'll be able to keep moving.  I have an appointment today an orthotics guy and we'll talk shoes and hopefully I can get footwear that allows me to walk more.  

I miss walking.  And I really miss it without pain.  I used to walk so much and I still walk more than most in a casual way but I am also often limping along.  

This flare-up was so bad I asked the doctor's office for a referral to a rheumatologist and they said "joint pain" is insufficient and it'll be rejected. What the fuck?  I have known serious arthritis in my feet and similar joint pain everywhere.  How is that not within a rheumatologist's purview?

I got spooked by reading how treatment helps slow the disease's progress because I'm not getting treatment. I'm also really worried about the brain fogginess that accompanies a flare-up because I could lose my job for poor performance.  I have a very demanding job that requires full mental faculties.  I can't keep getting knocked down like this.  

Plus, I have good insurance and I want to use it.  Most of my colonoscopy is now processed and I have to pay $0.  I like that.  

I pushed myself too hard which made things worse.  I wanted to bike to work on Monday because the weather was nice and I'd been planning on it.  My body was saying no, but I thought of what other people say about how pushing through that no to exercise always makes them feel better.

It does not make me feel better.  Not at all. Pushing myself physically incapacitates me for days.  Recovery is slower and less complete each time.  

Clearly something is wrong with how my body is functioning and I want answers and strategies. 

things

 Whoever said money can't buy you happiness was full of shit.  

I'm aware of the diminishing returns, but I'm in the sweet spot.

A new bicycle seat that isn't of broken springs?  Makes me happy.

A new kettle that has a detachable base so I can easily fill it?  Happy.

A house that cost way too much money but has a mudroom and utility sink?  So. Fucking. Happy.

and a response to the last post on stamina

My boss urgently called me to tell me that a very difficult, extremely important person is very pleased with my performance.

Well, that's a sigh of relief.  She's got eagle eyes, notices and remembers everything.  So if she is not seeing anything then the lapses are probably mostly only noticeable to me.  I'm still faking it successfully at least with some. 

Then I went to a podiatrist and she instantly diagnosed my feet issues.  All of them.  We talked treatment options and she wants to try inserts and other issues before having to do surgery.  

I'm frustrated because I went to a doctor for this issue two years ago and she had zero idea what my problem was.  Zero.  LIke absolutely none.  And while it's not the most common problem in the world, it's also not super rare.  

I could have not been in pain all this time.  I could have gone on long walks.  

But I have a plan now and I'm excited. 

That's two good doctors in a row, her and the colonoscopy guy.  I'm timidly thinking they're not all shit.  I might even consider going to another endocrinologist.  Tentatively.  Maybe.  Probably not, but maybe. 

stamina

If I want to keep this job, which I do because I like parts of it and it pays well, then I have to increase my stamina. 

I am struggling.  

And I've been struggling for years.  Ever since I got chikungunya after malaria, I have not been ok, and that was ... ten years ago?  

I don't know how to be ok again.  I have times that I feel good, but they don't last in the sustained way that I need to be able to do my job.  This isn't just an annoyance that I lose focus and energy, it's that I make pretty serious mistakes in that state of fatigue.  And I have to have a sharp mind and the physical energy to show up for very extended periods of time.  

I've been to doctors and nobody has identified anything or provided me with any helpful information.  

It's on me and I can't avoid it.  I avoided it for years by getting low-expectation jobs, but those don't really help me save for retirement.  This one does.  And I need the energy to do it for at least 56 more months.   

I see two areas to focus on: food and exercise.  I've definitely been leaning into processed foods since I started this job for convenience and such.  While I do not tell a health difference immediately, maybe that is cumulative.  I'm skeptical TBH because even when I"m eating really well with lots of vegetables and whole foods, I still feel like hell.  

I'm also heavy and could healthily drop at least 60 pounds.  Maybe I go on WW for that.  I could just do it for a few months and see.  Friend has been really committed and shed 29 pounds. I don't have that commitment and don't want to give up things like she does.  But maybe it's worth the jumpstart.  

Either way, I need to get rid of the processed foods and the sugar and get back to my usual healthier foods.  I'll put some bandwidth to that planning this weekend. 

The second thing I see needing to do is more exercise.  Today I go to the podiatrist to hopefully address some of my foot pain issue so that I want to walk again.  I also need to do strength training and flexibility.  I have space now.  I may just need to make a plan and stick with it.  I feel like I've just been trying to get by for so long, it's hard to thrive.

The other thing I may have to address after 20 years of ignoring it is my thyroid.  It may have burnt itself out.  I've been having doctors screaming at me for years to treat it, that I could die.  Well, I haven't died.  But I feel like crap.  the problem is that I really dont trust that synthroid or any of their other interventions are going to make me feel better, and once they ablate my thyroid it's gone forever.  I don't trust that.  But maybe it's time to start a search for a good endocrinologist.  They're fucking hard to find.   

Anyway, i don't want to lose my job because of weak body and mind.  I can't afford this house if I lose my job. 

keep or replace

 I'm asking that question over and over again as I make this house my home.

Kitchen cabinets, custom-made from wood. My first thought was to upgrade hardware, maybe paint like I did at last house.  But then I realized if I ever want a full-size fridge I have to change kitchen layout.  So, Ikea cabinets it will be.  I'd love to reduce the size of the window but that's probably more work than I need to do.  

Bathroom cabinet - this I actually like and the solid wood again is so solid.  But it's low. For some reason it was installed about three inches lower than a normal vanity.  PLus, the tile behind it is in really bad shape.  So, I'll probably gut and replace.  The problem is how hard it is for me to want to replace real wood with MDF.  I do not like that.  Maybe I need to upscale my options.

Flooring.  The hardwood floor throughout most the house is fantastic and I love it.  The remaining lineoleum is just in bathroom, kitchen, and mudroom.  TBH, I don't hate them, but I won't want to redo them later after other installations. 

Appliances.  Yeah, these all have to get upgraded.  They're like 20 years old. They work and I'll rehome them, but I'm gong to live the fancy-fancy life with Electrolux washer and Bosch refrigerator.  I need to be realistic abut my timelines since I plan to not hire for most of the work - I work A LOT, and Friend and I only have one day off a week the same.  So timelines will be long.  But I can still start, and I'm eyeing that mudroom.

So then mudroom shelves which is really where I am today.  Rip out the solid wooden shelves and replace?  Or fix what's there?  One door has a big piece cut out of it (why?  Not idea) and the hinges are screwy.  So if I want to just replace that door, or both doors to ensure they match, I would need a way to round the edges which means buying a router table, it seems.  I'd look for other options like maybe there's a maker space here or a neighbor who would let me run some doors through theirs.  But even if I have to buy a router table, that plus new wood and screws and paint will cost much less than any equivalent new shelves.  So, those are a keep.  The flooring must go.  The plastic utility sink?  I dunno.  I think I can really hit and clean it to make it fine, but the surround is messed up - water damaged laminate.  So do I replace the countertop and surround and keep the sink?  Or do I just rip that all out including cabinet and put in a shiny new stainless steel sink with attached shelf or cabinet ... but again it's MDF instead of wood.  Oh, and that really old washer dryer will get updated with fancy stackables that will practically do the laundry themselves.  (I have a bonus coming from work soon that will cover that cost.) 

Anyway, these are the thoughts that consume me when I'm not totally maxed out with work.  Lots of decisions to make. 

breathing room

 Work has slowed a bit.  It's still busy AF but it's not frenetic requiring 14 hour days busy.  

My team has upped their game, with the newest member finally doing her job.  We started with her blaming everyone, picking fights, refusing to work, deleting to-do lists to avoid work and causing us all more work.  I diligently documented and looped in management because COME ON.  At two team meetings ago she said she was happy working with our team, but then she kept fucking shit up hard.  Like beyond not giving a fuck, it was to sabotage.  Management started having meetings about action against her (and I got warned that my emails were being reviewed along with all others so just to be cautious).  Another person in her role stepped up on an assignment for me and it honestly brought tears to my eyes how kind and helpful and competent she was, and while I've been trying to make the best of a bad situation, I just started to imagine my work life with her instead.  

Then yesterday my new person lit up our team meeting in a good way.  Instead of destroying our notes with her assignments, she actually completed assignments and knew what was going on.  Our meetings usually painful and protracted was efficient and on task.  We even had time to talk through some big-level efficiency challenges and end on time.  When management tried to log on, we were done.  I made positive reports.  New team member said she'd taken a weekend getaway and it really helped her reset herself.  At least for the day, that definitely worked.  I don't know that I've ever seen such a drastic change.  I hope it sticks. 

The difference between working with sabotage and working with a team who is on top of things is night and day with stress levels.  

I do have another weak team member but she's leaving in a couple of weeks so i have basically just stopped talking to her.  She drives me crazy with her lack of initiative even when given direction.  I'm just trying to stay polite at this point, and the less we interact the better.  

Anyway.  The workload itself has also eased and I have some time and space to do better.  We've got some adjustments in workload with new hires and people coming back from leave and I gave one of my really big projects away, and I'm wondering if I can actually just work eight hours a day for awhile. 

Being in the new house gives some breathing room, too.  Still so much to do but I'm here and that's a lot less stressful than being somewhere else.  And working from home some seems like an improvement.  We'll see how that goes.  

I'm feeling lucky and frankly kind of proud of myself.  The me of 30 years ago who lived in this town couldn't even really imagine having a career and owning a home.  I always worked hard but I had no idea how to strategize.  And I'm still not strategic, but I am doing ok.  So long as my health holds, I'm on track for retiring in six years or so.  No idea what comes after that but I'm sure it'll be good.