plant-base it

Thinking about the next few meals I'm going to eat, I'm wanting to pivot to even less meat.  I have a winter squash to use (I probably picked it too early, but oh well, it will be fine) and I was excited about returning to a recipe I ate a lot last year - roasted squash with wild rice, shiitake, apples, pecans, sausage, etc.  I think I'll put some of the squash in minestrone and that leaves the rest to roast.  It's a very tasty dish, but I'm kind of turned off sausage.  

The past year or so, I've been on sausage - I like adding a small=ish amount of it to vegetable dishes.  It adds a nice flavor and texture and protein without being the focus.  But I got some chicken sausage last time and it really was not pleasurable (I don't like to eat chicken, don't know why I keep trying) so now I'm off it.  PLus, I know the health-wise it's better to cut out.  I don't eat a ton of meat but it wouldn't hurt me to cut it out entirely (unless i turned to highly processed meat substitutes, which I will not do).  (Also, this is kind of embarrassing to say but I don't really understand the health guidance that processed meats are bad - like, I understand that the smoking, nitrates, and sodium are - but if it's just ground pork with spices added, how is that more harmful?  And I got the firm kind of chicken sausage from Costco - Amylu brand I think - and I dont' see anything bad on the ingredients list, just a bit high in sodium so I use small amounts.  Am I missing something about a bad health effect from these kind of sausages?)

Tempeh!  I don't eat enough of it, but it seems like with the right spices it would be a very nice substitute for sausage.   An extra firm tofu could also stand in.  Or maybe seitan ... though I've never cooked with that.  Lentils could also be good, but I have so many bean-based dishes that I'd like another direction.  

My protein intake is considerably lower than any influencer recommends, and always has been.  (My fiber intake, however, is very good, and I think fiber is very important.)  There are so many different medical recommendations about how much protein is necessary, and I'm just skeptical because Americans eat so much more protein than most people in the world and we are definitely not the healthiest.  

So, yeah.  PLanning food can be fun.  

As we approach October, parts of of my garden are slowign down, such as the cucumbers.  Still getting a lot of zucchini and green beans, but I think we're to the point of if I can store them properly I'll be able to use them for awhile.  Earlier in the summer I had to use everything up because more was coming in every day but I feel a little less pressure now.  I'm going to stop at the store to see if I can get cranberry beans to add to minestrone, along with a ton of vegetables all from my garden.  I'm getting a few tasty raspberries every day which is fun - the berry plants are going crazy wild.  And the winter squash is going strong.  Looks like the autumn frost is going a lot harder this year than the buttercup or kuri, but they're all very good and I'm fine with what I get.  I still have two watermelons and I do not have any idea when to pick them if I'm honest, and it's getting chilly at night now and rain is starting soon.  The tomatoes are only now hitting their groove which is a little annoying but it's fine.  I do think that I may start getting season extender covers, etc. 

I got the apples that I picked yesterday all wrapped up and boxed and I think it'll be cool enough now to store them in the garage cabinets, not near the potatoes.  Obviously I can buy apples year round, but this is kind of a food storage experiment for me, like garlic and winter squash and everything else I'm producing and storing (and buying local and preserving).  How self-sufficient can I be?  Obviously not very - I'm stopping at the store today for beans and spices and and basil and tempeh.  I could probably grow my own beans and more herbs, but I'm going to focus more on what I am doing than what I'm not.  I am curious how low my food spending can go - could I spend less than $200/month and feel satisfied with what I'm eating?  Obviously that would be zero eating out or processed foods - that would be lentils and vegetables from my garden and homemade whole wheat sourdough and eating through my freezer and pantry.   I'm still buying high quality dairy products and nuts and all sorts of things I do not grow, and I have no interest in feeling denied.  I work very hard and make a very good living - if I wanted to spend over a thousand a month on food, I could.  But I don't want to.  I want to put that money towards paying off my mortgage while eating rice and beans.  

OK, coffee done, time to start moving towards dog walk and starting the day.  

modestly amazing

 I started changing out the rest of the lightswitches in the house.  It's one of those things that I like to do for a clean look - it's hard to get old switches, especially in garages, seem anything but grungy because all those little crevices the dirt gets into.  Plus, they're old switches, mostly all from the 50s probably, and upgrading to more modern electrics doesn't seem a bad idea.

I noticed while finishing up the bedroom lights that I had bought a wrong switch, unmarked.  Ugh.  Ok, throw it in the car to return and get the right one next time I"m out.  then I turn the power back on and the garage light isn't working.  Whaaat?  I fuss around, think about it, and realize that the third screw wasn't for a ground wire, it's a three-way switch.  No idea where the other switch is, and it doesn't matter, but the switch I have in my car for returns will actually work perfectly.  

Whaaaat?  My "wrong" purchase was more right than I knew at the time!  

When doing these things, I tend to spend a lot of time at the home improvement store.  I returned a light today that I'd bought before.  I get tired of all these trips, but it is what it is.  I know that even very experienced home improvement do-ers, like those who are paid professionals, have to do the same thing, so I don't feel so bad.  

156 weekends, more or less

 If I can stay on track, and nothing goes totally wonky in my life and the world, I could be able to retire in about three years.  My house would be paid off and I would have probably sufficient retirement savings.  (How much do I really need?  I have no idea.  But what is anticipated at that point would be allow me to withdraw 4% of the balance which would be more than I need PLUS at 65 I should qualify for two pensions and then social security which would be about double my expected expenses.  All of these are hopes that they don't fall apart, but that's a hope for life.  There is zero way to know how much I will need in long-term care, etc.  PLus I expect I'll do some kind of income generation after I retire, even if just being a barista a couple of days a week because I love coffee.  Or I could decide to start selling baked goods or plants or ... there's a lot.  

At three years I would be able to stay here as house would be paid off, not forced to move to a less expensive community.  I do not love it here but I definitely like it more when I'm not overwhelmed with work.  Just in the month that I was here before I started this job, I had time to engage in activities that I would like to continue doing.  It's not the worst place in the world.  By far. 

In about 156 more weekends, I should have fuck you money.  That really helps with my motivation to not get fired.  It also helps my motivation to be frugal AF.  These apples are great and hopefully I can source some paper to wrap them in and then box them up for long-term storage.  They are very tasty.  She let me take a bite of every type to see waht I like, and there are two varieties I really like.  I think I need to organize my freezer to see if I can make more things fit.  Exciting plans.  I just went to the supermarket because they had some things on sale that I use (cheese, which is a great sale at 50% off, sour cream, sparkling water, laundry detergent), plus $5 off a $50 purchase.  So I go through the store counting every dollar to get right at that number.  I act cheap AF about things liek groceries, and will argue to get every coupon off that's advertised.  (Sometimes they don't remove the tags and I didn't notice that they expired last week, I expect to pay what's posted)  I'm scruffy, wearing outdoor work clothes and unshowered because I still have more yard work to do (more ... mulch ...), using every coupon, and then I go out to a brand-new car (ok, not brand new anymore, 2.5 years old) and a half a million dollar house (which I know isn't much in this town and world, but that is more than I ever imagined paying for a house).  But I'm motivated, man, to be frugal AF and pay off this damn house and retire.  I enjoy every weekend I have about 156 more until I get to weekend all the time, at least in theory.  

changes

This whole not liking to read thing is tough.  I've picked up several books lately and just CANNOT get into them, and I'm past the age of forcing myself to finish everything I start.  I've tried some podcasts but just can't really get into them.  I haven't yet really tried audio books with intention, and I will try it, though whenever I've tried in the past I really dislike it.  (Like, when a teacher I would sometimes play books on tape for kids to listen to, and they often loved it and I did not, though I liked it better than me reading aloud, which I would do but never liked at all.  And I'm not saying how much I dislike reading aloud is the main reason I didn't have children ... but I'm not saying it isn't, lol.  To that though, really what I hate is attending kids' sports events and such, and definitely knew I wouldn't be the kind of parent who could force myslef, and how is that fair to a kid?)

I was a voracious reader for most of my life, cherishing books.  I shipped trunks full of books abroad when moving for work, I even schlepped a trunk full of books when I went to work in Yellowstone one summer, getting there by Greyhound.  I read every damn book in that trunk, reading all the time I wasn't out working or cavorting (we cavorted A LOT).  I always read, though in recent past preferred non-fiction.  But now i just can't get through anything.  I make excuses about me and about the books, but it all boils down to I just don't like it.  And I guess I deserve it after all the years of forcing reading on children who told me they didn't like to read and I fundamentally did not understand.   

So if I'm not a reader, who am I?  I"m a food grower and preserver and preparer, committed to healthy food.  That takes quite a lot of time and energy.  But who else am I?  Definitely not an athlete, and keeping up with qi gong every day just isn't happening for me, though I try to do it semi-regularly, as my favorite among such activities.  I am definitely a bicycle commuter and feel strongly about that and very much enjoy that - absolutely not for long pleasure rides or anything fancy, just getting to from point A to point B.  I dabble in understandings of ecosystem, such as removing all lawn (which just turned into a mudpit here in winter and stopped me from enjoying outside for half of the year) and replacing with native plants - but I am not committed to learning a lot more.  No budding landscape architect or environmental scientist here.

And if I'm honest with myself, I'm no longer a student.  W/hile I like the idea of fleeing to Scandinavia once i can retire, the plan I can figure out requires me to go to school and while I have done more differnt schooling than anyone I know, it no longer sounds enjoyable to me - mostly because it requires reading.  

Another shift is from really enjoying working to fixating on retirement and not having to have a job.  I've always been identified by my professions, but now I just want to make that go away.  I think it's pretty likely that I will find plenty to entertain me upon retirement, I just don't know yet what that is because my work is so challenging. This was a really hard week in a lot of ways, and two days is not nearly enough time to recover. 

There's a preoperty out the road where I regularly get whatever crop they have - I like them, their little acreage with all the fruit trees.  Now it's apples, and even though I have an apple tree, almost all of my apples are wormy so not great for long-term storage.  I may go out to get 20 pounds or so, and then individually wrap them and tuck them into boxes in closets/pantry, where they should be good for months.  Mostly they do these u-pick days to share their bounty, only charging 50 cents per pound or so.  

First though, I need to move some woodchips, as another big drop was made over a week ago and I've been too sick to start handling it, but today I start.  If I just do 20 wheelbarrow loads today - while masked up to be sure the dust doesn't worsen my sinus inflammation that is making me feel so crummy - that will be a start.  So, woodchips, errands, apples, cook (minestrone I think, and probably zucchini w/sardines), clean the house, and put in a few plants before rain starts on Monday.  One thing that hasn't changed about me is liking to do things for myself.  

didn't get the job

 Didn't get the new job within my organization that I applied for, and I'm ok with that.  I'm certain that I was the most qualified person for the job, but if they want to hire someone else, I will not object.  

In particular, I think that I have some more flexibility in my current role than I would in that one.  I'd have to be butt in chair a lot more in the office and account for every minute.  No running errands after a meeting across town, that kind of thing.  I like my flexibility.  Like, I hope to take off early tomorrow and I'm not asking permission, I'm just doing it if my schedule allows.  Wanted to take off early today but doesn't look like my schedule allows, and that's ok. 

Yesterday was a really hard day, personally and professionally.  I think the good news is that my boss and I are in a far better place than I even thought possible a couple of years ago.  She has had my back and been available to me in a work crisis this week.  I'm not saying everything is great between us but this is a huge step.  

I don't even feel disappointment about not getting the job.  Less new things to learn which is nice, and my workload is diminishing a bit, some challenges resolved before the next ones arise.  I got approval for vacation the last two weeks of December, so there's that to look forward to.   

 ***

 Just went to the doctor and my blood pressure was 122/63, and I'm down 37 pounds since last summer.  Last time I was in the office, she was trying to get me to take high blood pressure medication.  Do you see the problem that I see?  So I told her - she's a new nurse, she needs to learn - that it was not being taken correctly.  Nobody was paying to attention to how my back and feet weren't supported, at heart level, needing to pee, etc., etc.  If I had started on high BP meds like she was pushing, I would likely have been very sick, and then more meds, and so on.

I'm not doing it. She recommended flonase and mucinex for my sinus issues, and I thanked her and said it's very unlikely I'll ever do that.  She's just so dialed into meds it's weird, though not weird considering our medical system.  I said I'm treating it with a ton of tea (green tea in the morning, herbal after noon), and I'm better.  Why would I do things to myself like medication?  Then she suggested adding honey to the tea and I'm like, yeah no, not doing sugar like that (I'm enjoying my few grams of added sugar a day in more meaningful ways than honey, which I don't even really like that much - I will use it when I'm worse if necessary).  

Also, I"m pretty fucking proud of that weight loss.  It is really hard.  I have to do so much work with food preparation and thoughtfulness about how to be prepared for situations to make good food choices.  And I try to be active but that will be another goal to increase when I plateau again.  I biked twice today - to the office, then to the medical office.  It's a nice day, why the fuck would I drive if I don't have to?  

unexpected news

 I've been out of contact with my family for like 20 years or more.  I'm not particularly proud of this, or a lot of other things around that, but it is what it is. 

I received a FB message request.  From a woman who maybe is married to a brother?  I don't know her.  But she found me.  

My mother died.

And I began sobbing.  This is some deep grief and shame.  I feel guilty for not ever trying to make amends.  My mother was in no way a bad person, she just wasn't really capable of loving me.  I'm sure it was post-partum depression and isolation and her untreated mental illness, and so many things. She did better with the children who followed.  HOw do I know she didn't love me?  I mean, that's something that you know.  But one of the last times I saw her, I was cleaning up her house (she was a hoarder) and a notebook fell open, notes from a therapeutic something, like letters to her counselor, and writing about her own shame about being unable to love me as a child.  I know that I was a difficult child but I make no apologies for her.  

 She did the best that she could do.   She had a hard life - a very hard childhood, and adulthood wasn't that easy for her either.  I can see now that her ADD was really problematic.  I'm trying to remember what hobbies she liked, but mostly I just remember her puttering - always moving around, she rarely could sit still.  going through boxes.  The hoarding was comfortable for her and I don't know that she was often comfortable in this world.  I know other people see her differently, but there is something truthful and uncomfortable about an oldest daughter.  

I never wished ill of her, I just didn't want to be around her.  If I were an only child I suppose I'd feel more guilt, but there were others to care for her, provide her wtih grandchildren and companionship.  It was too hard for me.  

But there will always be shame and guilt that I didn't try harder when I could.   

And I don't want to talk about it, and would appreciate no comments here, please.   I just needed to say it somewhere.   

little things and rain

 I'm so fucking excited about rain, even if just an excuse to not have to be doing outside things.  Of course I do outside things in the rain all the time later in the year, but now?  It's an excuse for rest.  I remember last year moving a cubic yard of HEAVY fucking compost that was so waterlogged and I was completely covered in mud which stained my rainjacket (which I washed, but I saw the stains today).  I will absolutely do those things and rain is not an impediment BUT it is a reflection of a changing of season from five months of no rain to seven months of nearly daily rain.  We're in the shoulder season of sometimes rain, sometimes not.  You know, a normal rainfall pattern which we don't usually have here. 

It's 9:30 am, dog is walked, beans are simmering, dishwasher running so I can fill it up again later today, and soon I will start housecleaning.  I'm drinking chai.  It's ok.  It is an instant type that someone recommended at the food coop, but I'm not a big fan.  It doesn't really integrate well with the water no matter how much I stir it.  The spices are fine but I don't see any advantage over just brewing up a pot of Somali tea a friend taught me how to make, very similar to chai.  It's more expensive for the convenience of instant, but then you still have to heat the milk separately so it's not even like a dirty dish saver really.  So, yeah.  I am really glad to finish it up and reclaim the jar, and not buy it again.  I really love using up containers of things, it's like one of the greatest joys I have.  It's a weird thing, right?  But it's the joy of using something well, not wasting, etc.  

Yesterday at my favorite grocery store I was looking at the refill station and smelled a yuzu lotion that I liked, but I was bummed to not have a bottle to put it in.  BUT, I remembered that I had saved a metal lotion bottle I has gotten some time ago, and I found it in the linen closet, so I'll just refill that.  Yay, I'm very excited.  I was very bummed that I got to the store yesterday and had forgotten to bring the reusable containers for all the legumes.  the clerk was not interested in scolding me for it and offered to double-bag because the bags they have are super flimsy.  Sigh.  I just tucked them into my bag neatly and they made it ok.  I need to closely examine the bags to see what I can reuse, as I reuse small paper bags all the time.  

 More little things done: moving a table in the garage that was in the way.  Gluing a knife back together (not sure it'll work but I will give it a try before throwing it away).  Using a tool to pound in a nail that was poking up from the wood floor.  Packing up the sourdough starter I dried to freeze as a backup, started the same process for yogurt.  (I've had to use dried sourdough and dried yogurt at least twice to start again, like when moving crosscountry.)  

I also just randomly checked the value of my car and it's only like $3,000 less than when I bought it 2.5 years ago including all the taxes and fees, and tbh to have car ownership cost in real terms about $1,000/year plus oil changes ($200/year) and gas (about $30/month) and insurance (about $600/year) is not as bad as I expected.  The trade-in value is lower of course, and I'm not actually selling my car.  

I got a table and chairs a few weeks ago from my local buy nothing group, thinking i could sell my table and chairs and use those.  But, no good offer on my new furniture, so I guess I'll try to sell it at a big loss in a few years when I leave, and now I'll pass along what I got for free.  Hopefully somebody wants it, or I can take it to the thrift shop.  Again grateful to have a pickup.  that is taking up space in my garage and even though I have tons of space, it would be nice to get gone if I'm not going to use it.  I'm definitely in a fall cleaning frenzy.  

***

Back to work and there is a crazy thing going on but whatever.  It will be awful and then it will be over.

I'm leaning into the idea of vacation, and I've just requested off the weeks of Christmas and New Years.  Neither of them mean anything to me as holidays, but it's a slower time so we can be lower staffed, plus I'll only take 8 days off to get a full 14 days off.  We'll see if it's approved, no guarantee.  What will I do with that time?  Oh, more projects of course.  Finish a quilt.  Maybe a puzzle.  Definitely finish the kitchen and furniture refinishing if that's not already done.  Clean.  Cook new things.  Maybe can tomatoes if I've frozen a bunch and not already gotten to them, probably bake a bunch of bread - it's very nice to have loaves in the freezer ready to go.  But really there's not many more inside projects for me to do, and it'll likely be inclement weather and there's not much to do in winter.  It will be nice to just curl up and do whatever the fuck I want for TWO FULL WEEKS.  We'll see how it goes.  It is very nice to have nearly all the projects already done.  Myabe I'll start reading again.  Maybe.  I'm not holding my breath.  

Speaking of projects - I have purchased all the rest of the outlets and light switches to replace, some of which require moving furniture, but I'd like them all done. And I've ordered the three lights I want to replace - what I have are very cheap ones that have gotten painted and otherwise beaten up - the hallway and two bedrooms.  And I got three not expensive lights that are of the same type, so there's also continuity.  Oh, maybe I'll install curtain rods and curtains in the last bedroom where I haven't.  It's the largest bedroom and I've contemplated moving my bed into there, though I do quite like having a little room for bedroom as I don't do much else in that room.  Keep my clothes, bed, that's it.  When I was a nanny in Berlin Germany, I had a little bedroom without room for much else, and attached to a sitting area where I had a desk, chair, armoire, etc.  I liked the setup and I've always liked small bedrooms since, with different space for living.  

The tomatoes are finally starting to fully come in, and I'll be ready.   

 

checking through the chores, -2.4

 It is so nice to get things done!  From little things (cleaning the celery seeds that spilled out of my spice drawer) to bigger (like the garlic planting, though that wasn't a huge thing).  

These two side tables have me itching to get them done, and I've been contemplating paints ... but then I realized I can just use the trim paint I already have.  I always have leftover paint, for touchups and such.  I couldn't tell if I could make a pint work or if I'd need a quart ... but I know have enough left in the paint can, and hopefully then still enough for any touch-ups I'll need to do.  It'll just be white but that's ok.  Better than spending $60 on a trendy color.  

Reduce, reuse, recycle ... all of that.  I also still have primer, plenty of it.  That'll be a good project once it starts raining, and it shouldn't take too long.  

**

Wealth feels like: a pot of beans simmering on the stove.  Was up before 6 this morning and just started it simmering, maybe they'll be done for breakfast.  They smell so good.  I bought a 5# bag of onions at Costco and it looked huge like I'd need to freeze a bunch, but I seem to just be working through it pretty quickly.  I'll turn it off when I go walk the dog, then cook some more, then turn it off when I go to work outside, then cook some more.  I like things that are low fuss like this.  I could use a slow cooker but I don't have one and don't want to buy one.  I borrowed one from Friend for awhile but it was pretty small.  

I really want to figure out a better way to store my spices.  I have them in small metal boxes with magnets, which in different homes I put them onto the refrigerator.  But, I'm reluctant to do that with my brand-new refrigerator and there isn't really space that isn't in direct sunlight.  My kitchen gets flooded with sunlight in the afternoon (it's west facing with nothing blocking the direct sun) so they need to be in a drawer or cabinet, and I have them in a drawer, but it's annoying me and the drawer is totally full with no more space.  I use a lot of herbs and spices in my cooking and I want them easily accessible.  Anyway, minor annoyance I"ll figure out or deal with. 

A coworker that I really like is having a baby and there's a shower, and these things are anxiety-provoking.  What to take to a potluck, what gift to buy, how to interact with people, all those things.  She and I talk about food all the time, so I know what she likes (we were just discussing soups), but still.  And her gift registries are Amazon and Target, both of which I'm avoiding spending at.  Am I an asshole for just getting her a gift certificate to a local employee-owned department store that doesn't have crappy politics?  I might just do that.  She and her partner don't make much money.   

**

Scale says I lost 2.4 pounds from last week and 1 pound from two weeks ago (last week was a bump up on the scale).  It's also 2 pounds down from 8 weeks ago.  There's a lot of jumps up and down, but this is the overall direction I'm working on. One thing I'm noticing: weight drops more on the weeks with a splurge.  Yesterday I had three small cookies (I wanted a brownie and waited a long time in line, but they were out of the one I wanted).  Two weeks ago when scale said I dropped almost three pounds, I had similarly had a dessert one day.  So, that's an interesting phenomenon.  Perhaps moderation is key for me and an occasional treat is part of the symbiosis.  I don't know.  I do know that some weeks when I am super on track and eating nearly all vegetables and legumes, it says I'm gaining weight.  So ... yeah.  Bodies are weird.  But I'll take this as a win, as it's the lowest my weight has been in probably a decade (or more, maybe since I got sick 15 years ago).  

There is rain this morning, enough to make a walk not super pleasant (wet dog), but not enough to make thirsty plants happy.  Oh well.  I'm done watering for the year and I don't care if it gets up to 90 degrees this week.  Even with the native plants, if they aren't going to survive, they're just not going to, and I am so tired of nursing them along.   I'd like to see the gutter system working in a heavy rain before I finish the last steps, though today's drizzle was hopeful that things were overall ok with the setup.  

garlic in ground

 Yay.  Garlic in the ground.  I was going to keep pushing it, so I just did it.  One row of hard neck, one of soft neck.  I amended the soil and I hope it's happy.  I'll mulch it with woodchips (the currency of this chapter of my life) and leave it be until July.  I know I'm supposed to feed it again but we'll see.  

And now I'm on the homestretch of just harvesting.  So much zucchini, beans, cucumbers, tomatoes.  I have jars fermenting now of green beans and cucumbers, and cucumbers dehydrating into chips.  Several zucchini are chopped up for dinner, which I'll make with other things from my garden and some chicken I got at the store along with several pounds of lentils (black beans, pinto beans, red lentils, green lentils, de Puy lentils).  I was running low on legumes and I'm renewing my commitment to them, so time to stock up.  I rarely cook pinto beans but I was craving some, so why not.  I'm still doing pretty good on spending on food for this month, but insurances came due and other things like finishing up the patio and putting in its gutter, so it's not my most frugal month.  That's ok.  It is exactly today 2.5 years since I began my job, which the approximate halfway mark for my time here, so that's good.  yesterday was a really hard day at work, not feeling good about the work done there.  Knowing I could do more good elsewhere but needing the paycheck.  

Next big task is to move the mountain of woodchips just delivered.  They've been there for days and I haven't touched them - I've not been feeling great, and at first they compost at a hot rate so meld down, so why move more than I have to?  I'll use them to mulch garlic, put down on highly trafficed areas, etc.  I'm sure I got more than I need but they were free so that's fine.  I can make a couple of little mountains in different areas of my yard and use them as I need them.  Maybe this will be the last time I have to get woodchips for awhile, like a couple of years.  Before I put the house on the market I'll want to bring in some nice clean new woodchips to go on top, just curb appeal for what's not filled in, but htat's just aesthetics.  I've brought in ... gosh, I don't even remember.  Am I up to 80 cubic yards or more of organic matter brought in (leaves and woodchips)?  No, it's gotta be more than that.  Maybe 150?  I don't know.  But a lot.  A lot, a lot.  And improving the soil is slow going, BUT at least I don't have a mucky backyard anymore.  Man that grass turned to a mudpit fast and I was so tired of wiping dog paws and still having mud everywhere.  I'll take some woodchips any day over that.  

And I think I have about all the garden beds I'm going to get.  There's not a lot more space, and that's fine. the only thing I'd really plant if I had more space was beans, like black beans.  But that's hard to justify putting in more garden bed for somethign I can easily buy for $2/pound organic.  

I'll enjoy winter and a rest.  Still some time left until then but I anticipate that first freeze.  I think this year I'll try harvesting the green tomatoes and see how that works - someone said she just pulled the branches and put them in her garage and the tomatoes slowly ripened until Christmas.  soon I'll be focusing my meals on winter squash, which gets stored in the garage.  

Tomorrow I shoudl bake some whole wheat sourdough pitas and see how that goes.  I have a ton of whole wheat flour to use up.   

OK, pick tomatoes, shower, cook dinner, clean, prep or at least plan more food.  Pray for rain tonight. 

after a year

 So, we're about 13 months into my avoidance of sugar and ultraprocessed foods, and the scale today said I've lost over 30 pounds and ... my clothes are getting loose.  That seems a really long time to lose that little weight and finally have loose clothes, right?  But slow and steady will be the only way weight loss is sustainable for me.  

And tbh, I have some mixed feelings about my clothes not fitting anymore.  Like, these are my clothes, they cost money.  I have a pair of pants that I really like, and today they were sagging too much.  I dont' want to spend more money or buy crappy clothes to get me through.  I haven't been able to find those pants again anywhere and I tried.  I have about five blouses that I rotate through, that are appropriate for my job.  I know that they all cost $40-$50 because I remember buying them since I moved here.  So that really bums me out to think about having to replace them.  Altering them wouldn't cost much less, and they're not necessary long-lived clothes - I could just get another couple of years of them though maybe.  

anyway, it's just mixed feelings is all.  I still would like to lose another 30 pounds, in probably another year and a half or so.  It goes in spurts and stops, the weight loss.  It's weird.  like, it makes no sense - I'll gain weight when living on lentils and kale but lose when I have a splurge one day with cheesecake.  Shrug.  I'm not going to over think it.  I got a burrito today because I was hungry and wanted one.  We'll see what the scale reveals.

Thank god tomorrow is Friday.  Today and yesterday both had really weird incidents - today some people are trying to blame me for something that's completely not my fault.  I had zero decision-making capacity with what was decided, I just to implement on direct orders. And they're demanding I show up and defend myself, and I think they're full of shit.  The person who made the decision is someone I like and respect, and I'm not throwing her under the bus, but they got worked up into a lather today when she was out of office.  Just super weird.  But I'm not fucking taking the fall for a decision that (a) I didn't make, at all, and (b) wasnt' actually a bad decision.  We'll see if my boss defends me.  

I also had an interview for the new role; I don't know if I'll get it.  I should.  I am very likely the best candidate for the job.  I know one of the other candidates I think, I looked at calendars and figured it out.  I like him, a lot, and he's super easy to work with and a good guy, but I'm more qualified.  And he's going out on parental leave for several months soon, so I think should maybe be a consideration.  Good god, the people I work with, they all have so many babies and I have to do their work for them.  I'm joking, but also it's true.   

to just finish

 Today I've already done two tasks that have hounded me: (1) climb into the attic and put up there boxes of unused flooring and tiles; and (2) replace outlets and light switches that I bought months ago (it's not all that I need, but it's about half).  

There is little that spruces up a house like new outlets and light switches.  The dirt gets into the crevices, impossible to really clean.  And they break, etc.  I think most of what I replaced is original so about 70 years old.  Not surprising to be breaking, etc.  Some of them were kind of hard to get to, some were hard to get the wires back in and lined up, etc., but I did it.  I also reversed the porch light switch.  For over a year I was annoyed at how one switch was re-installed upside down.  once I opened it up, I saw why - there were spacers and such that made it a little complicated, so they probably didn't want to redo it.  But I'll fight that battle because I'm living with an upside switch, and I'm glad I did!  

To be fair to myself, I was trying to figure out the outlet situation.  They're not grounded, but they do have GFCI breakers, so do I put a sticker on them?  The electrical supply people said no, they don't know anybody who does that.  I did more research and I think that if that comes out in an inspection and they need stickers, I can buy stickers and affix them.  No more overthinking about it.  They look so much better.  I just need to vacuum around the spots.  

And now I also have zucchini chips dehydrating.  After tasting the cucumber chips and finding them wonderful, I picked some larger zucchini and ... well, why not?   I'll give them a try too.  They also smell great.  

Two other things I want to do today: make dinner and change the couch covers.  That's kind of a hassle but I want to hang them out to dry on Tuesday, what may be one of our last hot days of the year.  

So, I didn't get everything done that I wanted to over this break, but I did get some things checked off the list that improve my quality of life.  That gutter was a big one, and when I think of the money I saved with that and with the outlets/light switches ... it's considerable.  Hundreds of dollars.  Yay, me.  

might be time to get to those jars

 I have a stash of jars that I proudly haven't touched in the two and half years since I purchased them on sale at my favorite store.  Instead, I have followed my usual process of reusing jars, and then Dear Friend brought me boxes of them.  I gave away what I wouldn't use and thoroughly cleaned what I would, and then I used them.  All of them.  I've got like no more jars left, but I still have things I want to can, like tomato puree and applesauce.  yes, I know I can freeze those things, but (a) my freezer is pretty much as capacity, and (b) I like the less plastic of canning over freezing plastic bags.  

Is today the rainy day that I cut a couple of boxes open, to fill the dishwasher and have them on hand, ready to roll?   

**

Also on top, more projects.  One of the things I had planned for today was to go get compost, but ... I kind of lost steam.  Then somebody posted a couple of bags for free, and I helped clear her garage (they moved and are putting house on market).  And old shovel, a piece of plywood, some plastic pots I won't use probably (though maybe when I'm staging the house someday?), some cedar fence boards (I have one more spot I want to fix on the patio) ... and a small chest of drawers.  That is the most exciting thing, even though it means more work.  It's pretty beat up, but it seems to be solid wood, and so I think I can sand it down and refinish it and it will look sharp.  I even already know where to put it (as my side table right by the kitchen, so I can put scissors and tape and things like that in there instead of in a kitchen drawer).  I can put my hand PT things in there, charging cords, that sort of thing.  I'm stoked.  I even like the wooden handles, though I think I'll need to remove them to fix them up.  I've not ever done a lot of refinishing of furniture, but I also have another piece that I need to do that I got for free - I'd thought it was bigger and then when I went to pick it up, it's small so didn't know what to do with it.  But, I can put it next to the guest bed as a nightstand.  And I could use the same paint on them both.  

***

Scale says + 1.4 pounds this week but that's ok because last week's loss was pretty dramatic and I wasn't believing it.  Plus, I've eaten a lot of bread this weekend.  Whole grain, but still.   

feeling inflation

 Because I'm not much of a consumer, I am somewhat buffered from inflation.  I gladly pay higher prices to local merchants who pay their workers well to create a quality product, and that doesn't bother me.  (Recently there was a spat with a local farm who is now charging $1/ear of corn.  And yes, I remember the days of 3 of 4 to the dollar, I appreciate how the farm hit back about respecting employees and product, and I went and bought more.)  

But sometimes I'm startled, like the cost of coffee.  I went to Costco for the organic dark roast blend I like, had a lovely conversation with a woman looking for a good coffee (I couldn't quite place her accent, but I spoke to her as someone with experiences outside America regarding coffee), and when i got home and input my receipt I was shocked that it was nearly $25.  That has to be nearly double what it was a year ago.  And yes, I've followed the news about increases in coffee prices and I've shrugged, knowing that I refuse to give up my favorite beverage.  But it was still startling. 

It's just informative, helping me figure out retirement strategies.  Yes, if my house was paid off, I could live well on less than $2,000/month, but who knows in real terms what it will take in three years (when I hope to retire), in 10 years, or in 30 (when I'm likely to die).  Figuring out how much money I need in retirement is fucking hard because of so many unknowns.  I don't want to work longer than I have to, but I REALLY do not want to run out of money before I die.  I have no idea what sort of long-term care I'll need, etc., if I'll become a climate refugee, etc.  And in addition to social security I expect to have two pensions and I expect that those will be adjusted to inflation somewhat, but still.  It is puzzling at best.  To me at least.  I hear lots of people with answers but they don't seem to quite fit me.

Anyway.  It's just now 10 am and I've done errands (back to Home Depot for more things to hopefully finish the gutters today, and returning cans for deposit), bread is in the oven, the canner is heating up and I'll heat up the applesauce I made yesterday and get that canned today, the first laundry load of the day is finishing up and will go out on the line.  Sipping some green tea for the health benefits and because it's fucking cheaper than coffee.   The applesauce wasn't that awful to make with the foodmill, I just had a lot of cut out bits to feed the black soldier fly larvae inhabiting my compost bin.  There was one live worm that I put down the disposal because it pissed me off and I wanted it dead dead.  I love the black soldier fly larvae but despise the codling moth larvae that destroy all my fucking apples.  I'm quite good about picking up and disposing of the apples that fall and that's supposed to help break the cycle, but I have no control over my neighbors, and they do nothing like that, so my efforts are in vain.  

Speaking of the garden, I hope to get some work done out there today.  Just have kind of a lot going on in different directions that need tending, like the oven and the canner.  Well, at least I can do some prep of the bounty in my fridge, like shredding and freezing zucchini. 

**

I gave myself permission to not plant tomatoes next year because the plants bother me so much (so awful itchy), and I haven't really watered the ones I have, sort of just wishing them away.  But, I just chopped up a bunch to put into a lentil-zucchini dish and to freeze, and ... it is just so nice having tomatoes to use like this, and I really like having jars of them on my shelves.  Yes I can easily buy canned tomato products, but mine taste so much better.  Sigh.  I shall suffer for my "art."  

It appears that I missed the window to plant for winter.  I'll probably still plant favas (for soil improvement mostly) and I'm gearing up to plant garlic for sure, but that may be it once the summer things clear out in the next month or so.  After eating so much from the garden for the summer that's a hard shift, but it's ok.  I've saved quite a bit through canning, dehydration, and freezing (and the winter squash will get cured and stored, and I've already got potatoes and garlic like that, oh, and apples).  I need to focus my eating on the pantry.  And to be fair, I didn't miss the window.  I planted quite a lot several weeks ago, and nothing happened.  I don't know why - slugs is my guess.  And it's ok.  I'm not a full-time gardener, I just throw out seeds and see what happens.  

There is a matriarch of our little community - she's lived here for decades.  She stopped and talked with me a few months ago when i was working in the front yard.  I had followed up with her on something last night and she quickly responded.  Her husband died last month after wanting to not be alive for awhile, then a stroke and hospice, and she invited me to join their neighborhood walks.  She even offered an accommodation of just a one-mile loop that she does.  Mind you, these are elderly retired women, including the one who picks up trash nearly daily.  I'm not even 60 yet and I'm the opposite of retired, but it's a sweet gesture and maybe I will.  Probably not though.  When I was out hiking a group of older people that I ran into a few times were being very chatty and chummy with me and I just didn't want to engage.  I want to be alone but I also want community and it's hard, but I think the issue is how my job takes all my people skills bandwidth, and I'm left just a grumpy shell.  I have to interact with people SO MUCH at my job, and in stressful situations, and it doesn't restore me at all.  I don't have anything more to give.  But maybe someday I will, like when I leave this job.  I'm quickly approaching the halfway mark of how long I must stay here, which is cause for celebration, but it's hard to figure out what's next because so much depends on my dog and how long she lives.

I'm seriously wondering how I can get a job in Scandinavia.  Anywhere in northern Europe would be fine.  I just don't trust anything in this country now, as it's "led" by nihilists who want to burn it all to the ground.  Depressing days are ahead, and my buoyant 401k isn't feeling very stable - though of course capitalism appreciates this type of chaos for now.  Until we're hauling wheelbarrows of nearly worthless banknotes for a loaf of bread.  

***

On the other hand, every time I hear from someone in northern Louisiana, I think about returning there again.  Housing is so inexpensive compared to where I am now, and there are plenty of activities.  I like the library, had a good doctor there, several political and volunteer things I'm interested in, etc. etc. 

We had rain last night and it looks like the gutter worked!  No splashback fucking up my pretty paint.  I need to examine more closely and want to watch when it's raining to ensure no leaks, and then I can finish all the attachments and call it a completed successful project, yay.  I absolutely could have paid the carpenter to do it and it would have been less stress for me (and fewer cuts on my hands), but I'm proud to have done it myself.  I like every little thing like this, slowly building my confidence in doing things myself.  I also like it better when it's finished than when it lies before me. 

But it is fun to be a person of a certain age who learns new things regularly.  LIke, I dehydrated cucumber chips and they are amazing.  Like, who knew?  I didn't.  They are so tasty.  I'm now going to let all my cucumbers get bigger than the little sizes I was picking and dehydrate more.  I have been eating them fresh most days, but the idea of having them year-round is exciting.  I mean, I won't have enough to eat them year-round, but I can vacuum seal a couple little bags and put them in the freezer, and come February I'll be really excited to pull them (and the strawberry freezer jam that Dear Friend left in there for me) out.  Winter gets pretty bleak so it will be nice to taste summer.  

And yes, obviously I can just hop to the supermarket and get cucumbers and strawberries year round, but there is absolutely no comparison to what is grown locally and picked at peak.  

One thing that excites me about moving to Louisiana is growing sweet potatoes and okra.  I could live on those two things and they grow so easily there.  It's obviously not a done deal that I'll move there, and the people I knew well (like who would help me move furniture or I could stay with when driving through) are gone.  But it was a place where it wasn't hard to make friendships, or maybe that was the time.  I'm not sure.     

it was a lovely day

 The hike was good, lovely, regenerating, not too hard though my feet were done after about two miles.  The hot springs felt good but it's hard to sit still for long.  Definitely a good day off and I'm glad I went.

I was reminded of how much I hate driving so I dont' think I'll go in two weeks to camp.  That's a three hour drive or so each way, and ... after just driving 1h15 one way, I remembered.  Maybe it's the car, because I used to drive my truck all the time for long distances without problem.  I'm not in love with my car, never have been, but don't know what I'd like better and it wouldn't be financially prudent to give it up now.  

It was especially hard to drive another hour after the hot springs because man that made me sleepy.  I should sleep well tonight. 

I should definitely be prioritizing some sort of adventure at least once a month.  Doesn't always have to be hiking, it can be a Melissa Etheridge concert (I would totally see her again).  But something.  REgularly.  I keep hoping once I finish the home improvement tasks that I'll have space again for that, and I think Ineed to start making room. 

***

It was an early night of sound sleep.  A hike and a hot spring soak can do that.  

Today's first task is gutters.  I've got my shopping list, watched a couple of videos, know that I'll probably have to make multiple trips to the store.  I have a couple of logistical questions that would have been easier if there had been a gutter in place before.  There very likely was - as there is tubing I presume to hook a downspout into, to take water away - but the angle is weird to tap into that.  I can jimmy it probably and it'll be ok.  My first issue is carrying 10' lengths of gutters in my truck - it always worries me to haul things that don't fit well.  Ever since my friend and I in New Orleans were transporting a mattress years ago and it flew out and then another friend told me that's how her father died - he was on a motorcycle when things flew out of a truck and the debris caused an accident.  But I can fasten the gutters in.  Then I start to overthink the best time of day to do this, to avoid traffic, and ... you know what, I need to just start rolling and stop overthinking.  

And after gutters today, I hope to make applesauce from a bunch of wormy apples.  It's labor intensive to cut away the bad spots but I'll be glad I did when I want to bake with applesauce.  Start sourdough for a bake tomorrow.  I've put some on a sheet to dry - it's good to have backup as I've had to reconstitute before; I dry it thoroughly then flake it off and freeze it.  I need to do the same with yogurt.  Preserve my starters. Last time I did that was years ago - I still have the bag in the freezer and I'd moved distances with those dried starters.  Good to have some fresher backup.  

Tomorrow I plan to get compost and focus on the garden beds to prep for winter.  I can plant garlic soon, and maybe some other things.  I planted seeds weeks ago and they didn't do shit so I need to figure out other ways to proceed.  

And so many other things.  My to-do lists are daunting, tbh.  I need to just get to it.   

 

 

adjust plans, keep going

 I've scrapped my plans for my epic camping trip BUT I think I'll go out to a lovely forest waterfall hike about an hour away and then maybe stop at hot springs I've not ever been to.  no need for all the fuss of camping, just a cruise away. That objectively sounds like a good birthday to me.  And I might possibly take off other time to do the epic trip I had planned - if not this year before winter, then next spring could be good.  

Actually ... in about two weeks might work.  I could do a Monday/Tuesday off.  After that, it will be too cold and wet, but I will keep an eye on the weather and air quality and that might actually be a nice plan. 

 We'll see how this time off goes.  I plan to stash my work computer and cell phone at Friend's house so that I won't check it.  Five days, no work.  Sounds great.  I'm already getting into it - spent this evening scrubbing floors and putting things away.  I've got a long to-do list to check through so no need to delay starting.  I might try to put up gutters on the patio myself.  It shouldn't be too hard and it needs to get done and I'd prefer to not pay more money for it.   

**

So yeah, I think I'll do the plan of a hike and hot springs tomorrow.  It might rain but who cares.  

I have an interview for the job I applied for.  I just have to be myself and see if it works out.  I'm not too invested either way.  My current job is relentless with its workload to do it right, but I'm not certain the other job will be a ton better.  The best part would be not having to work with secretaries who drop the ball all the time and add to my workload, which is worth it, but we'll see. 

**

Slept in until after 7 am which is great.  It's wet outside but I'll just put on a jacket and head out sooner than later.  I'm making a day of it - drive out to the mountains for a hike (my feet aren't hurting right now so I think I can push it), then hot springs, then lunch at a little local place.  Then back home to start tackling my very very long to-do list.  I'm bummed at how long it is.  And I'm concerned that if I focus on powering through that, I won't have juice left for a super busy week at work.  

This is what I hate and why I want to retire at least from this job - I'm just maxed out all the time.  It's not even just the stamina of doing all the fucking things, it's the bandwidth of constantly juggling.  It's also my eyes not wanting to stare at a screen all the time, and whatever the fuck is messing with my brain making reading so difficult lately.  

Can I survive another three years until my house is paid off?  Probably.  Will it make me even less of a pleasant person?  Definitely.  And I have to remember that even though this is an easy place to live with a lot of benefits especially my two closest friends being here, the smoke from forest fires is a very real threat to health, and I need someplace with cleaner air.  My hike today is not with perfect air but it's pretty short, only an hour or two.  It was the camping and hours of hiking that had me quite concerned but I think this will be ok.  

 

what's your favorite streaming service?

 I generally cycle through streaming services, paying attention to sales.  I'm giving up Apple TV after two months as I'm at the end of interesting things I can find (though open to suggestions!), and curious what streaming services others like?  and what shows? 

-2.8

 Scale says I lost 2.8 pounds the past week.  As always I have healthy skepticism towards the scale, I know that my body is much more than calories in - calories out, and I have a wonky thyroid with a mind of its own that has very significant impact on my metabolism.

But, I will say that I noticed this past week that clothes seem looser.  I had to get a belt last weekend to be able to continue to wear some of the same pants.  I was excited to see the pants I like again on sale at Costco, thinking I can get a size smaller.  Plus, I wasn't great with taking weights the past couple of weeks at the same time and circumstances.

So, maybe there is progress.  I guess eating zucchini and sardines is the way forward.  

I would like to lose another 30 pounds and stabilize there.  

and my dog would very much like a walk, so off we go.  

cucumber chips?

 Feeling a bit overwhelmed with imperfect cucumbers, I turned to the internet, where some people dehydrate them into "chips" with seasonings.  

Now, I love a good seasoned chip.  I also know that potato and tortilla chips fuck with my pain, but I love them so much that sometimes I still eat them (I always eat the fancy organic ones with pronounceable ingredients, not the ones with food dyes or any of that weird shit - but still, pain).  

WHAT IF I CAN MAKE CHIPS FROM CUCUMBERS?!  I could make salt and vinegar ones, and I am going to Trader Joe's to pick up their ranch seasoning I saw there in the spice section to give those a try.  That would be totally amazing.  I could vacuum seal them up and enjoy throughout the year when I want a crunch tasty treat.  

Also I think I'll make one more jar of fermented pickles.  I just emptied a wide mouth quart jar that was holding dry black beans.  They soaked overnight and started simmering as soon as I got up.  I will turn them off when I take the dog out for a walk, but hopefully they'll be cooked up for a late breakfast.  I'd picked up some on-sale corn tortillas yesterday at the market that had no preservatives, thinking I'd freeze them for later but why not eat them now.  

Picked and processed more green beans last night, for freezing.  Will also cook with some today.  I had a bit of an unusual experience - I made this peculiar dish with shredded zucchini and sardines and ... it satisfied me for hours.  No hunger signals at all.  I don't think I can eat it regularly because it's pretty weird, but if I can find other things like that which satiate, that would be amazing.  

Especially excited that the days of pears are behind me.  Last batch is in the dehydrator.  

Of course now I'm on to the age of apples.  I need to get up a ladder and pick a heap, filling the fridge with the best ones, saucing the rest.  I use applesauce for baking; I'm kind of obsessed with making healthy muffins, featuring vegetables especially - zucchini, winter squash, carrots, etc. - and fruit.  And unsweetened applesauce is often a great oil replacement that also sweetens.  When I say healthy, in addition to fruits and vegetables, and nuts, I like low-fat and no added sugar - so I turn to dates a lot. And then when I eat the muffins as a tasty treat when I'm hungry and want a pick me up but not a whole meal, I put butter and jam on it.  Which I know is fat and sugar, but then I get to taste and enjoy the fat and sugar, not just have it hidden.  (And of course I make all my own jam and it's low sugar ... and I'm wondering if I should start making it with honey next year ....) 

I'm going to be obsessing with food, because of my friend's cancer.  She has a very healthy lifestyle overall so the cancer is probably just bad luck with no identifiable cause - as usual.  

TBH, her cancer also has me nervous about health insurance.  I'm curious if she doesn't access Indian Health Service why not, but I know she has high-deductible health insurance.  I would be turning to high-deductible Marketplace insurance when I retire until I turn 65 - if the Marketplace isn't completely destroyed by our tyrant.  I've gotten accustomed to having such good health insurance, I can barely spend the $40/month I put into an FSA.  (Though I like having that option, like when I just bought a blood pressure cuff, which clearly shows that any assessment that I have high blood pressure is because of bad readings.  If I don't support my back or have my feet fully flat or recently ate or drank, it pops above 130.  But if I follow all the rules, it's always below 120/80 - usually around 117/70.  This is another example of egregious medical systems - trying to medicate out of what is not a problem.)  

OK, looks like rain risk is low today so I may try to paint.  I just don't want to paint and have it fucked up by heavy rain.  And I'll do laundry ... more cleaning ... and healthy food prep ...  

Time to finish coffee and head out to walk the dog.  She really really hates the conversations I have with the huge spider in my utility sink and the maggots in my compost bin because she thinks I'm talking to her and it hurts her feelings.  

illness

 One of the best people I know is ill.  She's not just someone I like, she is objectively one of the best people in the world.  She lives her life in service of others, including the hardest people to love, and she gives so freely of herself.  She doesn't just show up to the events, she shows up for individuals.  She has shown up for me over and over again, and she is a lot of fun.  She is the kind of person who shows up when I'm packing to move and loads things into her car to distribute, and the day I'm leaving drops off treats and bone broth for the road.  She gave me a great covid care package.  Not long ago she reminded me by text I am always welcome to stay with her.  She's just like that all the time, a wonderful person and friend. She makes me a better person by knowing her, though I also get to be myself (even though she always sees me through a prism of wonderfulness).  

And now she's sick.  Really, really sick.  Cancer, a really invasive and scary type.  And I'm so scared for her.  i immediately told her I can take time off work if she needs me there, sent her money to help with deductible, but I wish I could do so much more.  

It's weird too because we went on a roadtrip with another friend of mine a few years ago when I'd moved back to New Orleans, and that other friend also recently told me she has cancer (though she just said it offhandedly and didn't respond to my query about how she is doing, etc. and didn't provide any details, so it's hard to feel the same reaction as with the one who provided details).  

They think the cancer is stage 3, very aggressive and inoperable, but also responsive to chemo.  So I'm very hopeful.  The location of it is requiring such invasive treatments.  It's so horrible.  

I cannot think of losing her.  It would be such a loss to the world.  So I am going to think positive thoughts and look forward to seeing her again someday soon.   

And I deep clean.  i am eradicating dust from my house, under the bed and all that.  I know that dust doesnt' cause cancer, but it's what I can control today.  

feedback and reconnection and outdone

 Yesterday at work I got a really nice email from someone who applauded my communication with him and said he wished everyone in my role communicated so well.  It led me to text the point person up north who had been my communication beacon, who taught me how to talk with people in this field.  It's an unusual communication style, but I'm here for it, and I'm glad I didn't lose my skills.

He responded quickly and it turns out he's actually in my state now which is funny that he's near, and he's actually going to be like 20 minutes away from where I had planned to go camping (he says the air is clear out there but I'm really sensitive so I'm looking at the official numbers).  I won't probably take any steps to meet up with him in person; our contacts have almost always been remote even when in the same town.  I have what's probably best described as a crush though not really - I just like talking with him.  We're really different.  We haven't connected in a few years, but we just picked right back up, which is nice. 

Also yesterday at work I got a series of emails that totally made me laugh out loud.  I had sent out a document and one of the recipients caught an error.  Mind you, I didn't draft the document, and I spent hours fixing so many errors, and I just missed one.  So I'm not beating myself up, but usually *I* am the person finding errors.  And then, I asked if we needed to meet before a meeting, saying I was fine to just wing it and not pre-prepare, but yes, he wants to meet with me.  I'm usually the one wanting to prepare in advance, so it's funny that it is him.  And when he responded about it, he changed the email subject line to the new topic, which is hilarious.  I'm always trying to get people to do that because fucking Outlook makes it so hard to find emails, and I rely on subject lines.  He played me better than I play me myself.  A man with that eye for detail and wanting to communicate so much?  It is fucking hilarious.  I've always felt that our interactions are awkward - my humor always falls flat and it seems he thinks I don't appreciate the little gestures he makes (like bringing me a newspaper from his indigenous tribe).  I have to try to stop making jokes with him because he's earnest and literal apparently, and THAT IS MY THING.  I'm used to being the socially awkward person, but he even takes that on for me.  I thought he was almost arrogant and didn't think much of me - our first conversation included an argument about what he needed to do and he later told me he'd confirmed I was right, and he blew off our first scheduled meeting because someone he wanted to talk to had come into his office first.  I've known enough people of different cultures to reframe things like that to not be insulted, and ever since then he's been really diligent and does anything he says he will and demands that I also meet the terms requested.  It's actually super comfortable for me to be in such a literal work relationship with someone like this.  But I find it all really hilarious when I realized what was happening.  

Contrast these three men yesterday with whom I have very effective communication with the three women who drove me up a fucking wall with refusing to respond, not sharing necessary information, etc. etc.  I am living in a world where it is definitely usually men struggling with communication.  A new person in my office asked how I'm able to get a man notorious for being noncommunicative to communicate with me. "Well, I talk at him all the time.  I think he's socially awkward so I don't get insulted when he doesn't ever make the first move.  I keep him informed and tell him I expect the same.  And once, we got into a huge fight, shouting at each other in his office because he thought I'd deliberately done something that was just an accident, and after we yelled for a good long time, we were ok.  He asks me for communication advice, sometimes asking if he had been too much of a jerk to other people, and I respond frankly."  Look, I'm willing to do the hard work.  I get tired of the mean girls shit though, and at least in my professional world, that's only women doing that, not men.  The men are mostly fine.  

OH, that's another man I connected with yesterday - I'd asked a favor of this person I just met even though I had no right to do so, and he obliged, and when he did so he got a ton of positive things flowing his way so he felt really good about it.  And we vibed.

So anyway, apparently I work well with men. Who knew?  And also with many women too.  But there some communication pattern of some women that I find really repulsive and want nothing to do with, so that is sometimes a barrier.  

OK, I need to get on with this day.  To the grocery store, I'm planning to cook lots of zucchini over the next week.  And other vegetables from my garden. I was delighted to find some already shredded mozzarella in my freezer so I have almost all the ingredients I need for various dishes, just picking up some basil and ground beef.  

Still trying to let go of the stress of the last couple of weeks at work.  It'll take some time to dissipate.  I fell asleep early - I think maybe even before 10 - and then was up at like 5:30 this morning.  The dog needed to go out and I told her it was under the condition that she not bark, and she respected the rule.  She's so smart and good when she wants to be.   

time to pivot

 I'm feeling a lot of frustration because I'm not able to do the things I planned to do.  I can't go camping for my birthday because there is nowhere without smoke within a reasonable distance that I want to go to.  (Note: the smoke isn't that bad for normal people, but I'm quite sensitive to it especially if I'm exerting myself which was my intention with hiking.)  I planned to finish painting my patio this weekend but rain may or may not be in the way (looks like it rained last night and it will take days to dry because it's not in direct sun, and then it will be raining again and ... sigh).  

I know that frustration with work is bleeding into my life, but these were things I'd quite looked forward to, so I am allowed to be disappointed.  

But then, I need to pivot.  What else can I do?  I guess I can spend my days off on house and yard projects even though I'd really not wanted to.  And I can start on that today.  I have so many things I want to get done, including vacuuming under and behind furniture, cleaning rugs, washing house siding, etc. etc.  Outside work is hampered because of air quality.  

I'll move past this feeling stuck but I'm just going to feel it for a minute.  Maybe I'll get excited about picking apples and making applesauce?  Or using up the vegetables in my fridge (lots of zucchini right now because I haven't been using it much)?  Or cleaning windows?  Or organizing the garage and putting stuff in the attic?  Or doing errands?  

Maybe.   

smoke conspires against me

 I hate smoke.  The smell of it, but beyond that - it fucks with me.  It makes my brain not work right, and this has definitely worsened in recent years.  

And so the best made plans - taking off my birthday to camp and hike vigorously - are thwarted by fucking smoke.  Air quality is poor out there, fires are not contained.  It's unlikely to clear up in the next few days.  

Sigh.

And I looked at some other possible locations which aren't quite as meaningful, and they also have smoke but also rain.  So ... yeah.   

It's ok, a birthday is just a day.  I'll still take it off to do deep cleaning, make applesauce, and the like.  Maybe I'll drive out to some natural hot springs I've been curious about.  I'm just bummed because I've been looking forward to this camping trip for quite awhile.  

Well, there's always next year.  I could go earlier in the year, before fires get their foothold.  There's a sweet spot for me - preferably no rain, and no high heat (not above mid 80s), but also not super cold at night (like not below the 50s preferably).  I know, I'm a wuss.  But especially about air quality. I actually DROVE to work yesterday and had to pay $8 for parking, which really pisses me off.  I just didn't want to make myself sick by breathing in more smoky air.  I could have masked but I was struggling to get the N95 mask and my glasses to interact properly, and I'm not sure how effective the cloth masks are at stopping smoke.  So, whatevs.

I'll still keep an eye on things and maybe somehow the air will clear?  Otherwise, it'll probably just be me cleaning my house siding with a rag.  Happy birthday to me.   

just to remind myself, people in some places like me

 I lived for a minute in northern Louisiana, and it really was just a minute.  Maybe five or six months.  I moved for a job, and I loved the job, but it paid awful and so when I got an opportunity to go to Africa for 3x the salary, I jumped.  That was like ... 15 years ago.  

But somehow I've stayed in contact with a lot of people there.  Mostly Facebook, but also through in person random interactions in places like New Orleans, at conferences and such.  

And there were things that I didn't like about living there, like the heat, and being really poor, but I also have such great memories of living there.  I loved the library, the medical providers, the river, the easy driving.  And I made good friend there, people who really liked me.  That definitely doesn't happen everywhere for me - it certainly hasn't happened here - but it was meaningful there.  One person I hardly knew just told me "I always liked you, I hated when you left."  She'll give my warmest hello to a person she works with who has always tried to nurture me in my career and racially (she will gather her closest sorors and announce that I am one of the good ones, and can I just say how much easier it makes my life when an influential Black woman tells people that publicly about me?  It's gotten me at least two jobs that I know about, and despite her always being in a position of power over me, we are definitely good friends).  

Just so many good memories, and invitations.  I used to stop regularly and stay with my former boss - his kid adored me.  They moved away, and other friends have died and left, but I still have warm welcome from people I haven't seen in 15 years. 

Maybe I should think about moving there when I leave here.  I never even really thought about it before, but that just sparked something in me.  

I did a quick real estate search and a house that seems perfect for me in many ways is definitely in my price range.  

There are many other things I don't love there - the heat, the crime, the lack of health food stores - and just because I clicked there in 2010 doesn't mean I still would, but ... I don't know, it might well be worth considering.  Just such reciprocal fondness.  I remember when I learned that a former co-worker had died, someone I knew professionally alerted me, and we planned for me to go up there for the funeral, and the colleague even offered me to stay with him WITH MY DOG.  That colleague is known for being Grumpy McGrumpster to everyone, mean to many, but he always had a soft spot for me.  He would get me a job though I hope he's retired by now.  

But the thing too is that I won't need a job.  Not desperately.  If I can last 2.5 more years, I'll have enough saved and enough house equity to just move there.  Pay cash for a house, hang out, maybe find something I want to do, something low stress.  And maybe I'm not there forever, but ... I keep thinking about trying Tennessee or North Carolina or other southern-ish places because I really miss the south.  But I already know the South, I already have connections.  I'm still too traumatized to return to New Orleans though maybe someday.  But northern Louisiana - all I remember is fondness at this point.  And those huge fucking food portions, so that's a problem.  But I can make better choices.  

That is a damn interesting plan right there.   

**

One thing I'm definitely remembering is that town is the last time I felt healthy.  I used to walk a ton, went to a gym.  I spent time with friends, other activities, on top of a challenging job - I had the energy and bandwidth for all that.  So maybe that's the filter, why I remember it so fondly.  Because I was healthy.  Before malaria took its toll on me, and then chikungunya, and god knows what else.  

It was a fun place to be healthy.  The only thing I really missed was having a bicycle. 

So ... that's also a vote in that column.