fat

 So apparently I can't eat a lot of fat.  Which I have long known, but i forget.  Curry with full fat coconut milk?  yeah, that's too many moments on the toilet.  

Sigh.  

Hopefully the reduced fat coconut milk is better.  I usually dont' like reduced fat products because it inidicates a level of processing which I avoid.  But if I can't take it, I can't. And to be clear, I use 2% milk, not whole milk, for yogurt, etc.  i should confirm the lowfat coconut milk is the same, just straining off fat without adding junk.

 I talk a lot about cheese and butter, but honestly I don't eat it excessively.  Maybe 1 serving per day of cheese on average, 1 serving of butter maybe three times a week.  I know how long it takes me to go through a container of cheese and of butter.   

ANYWAY.

There was a challenge and I failed.  On the one hand, I would love my house to be a social hub.  It's centrally located, tons of parking and on a bike route, why not meet up here?  But when I was asked for that, for EXACTLY that, I froze and declined.  I blamed the dog, which is a valid concern, but also?  I don't want people in my house.  Touching things with their dirty fingers and all of that.  I don't want it.  And maybe I'll be less controlling about it as I don't have to keep such tight control on work, but maybe this is also just who I am.

And so the event is at a public gathering place not far from me, and I would usually bike or maybe walk, but I need to carry seven bins full of things for our function.  

I like how this person just directly asks and I respond and we go from there.  It seems healthy communication, I hope they see it the same way.

I logged off work early today for the first time in AGES.  I mean, it was 20 minutes early, and I still checked email right up until 5 pm, but that's EARLY for me and my long days.  I reached a stopping point, a reviewable first draft of a part of a project, and I sent it for feedback and yay for me.  I may get no feedback but I clicked some things together and yay.  There's still lots more to do, and I have another block of time that I can devote to it, and I'm pretty happy with how I reduced my stress load by pushing to get earlier deadlines met.  I do not thrive in a procrastinator's prison - I am a full week ahead of deadlines and proud of myself.  I'll still tinker and probably end up spending more time on it, but as of right now I do not have to give up any of my weekend, and I can fit the final steps into the time I have in the workday.  And that's awesome.  And so I made dinner, cleaned up, and it's only 7:30 pm, so I have another couple of hours to read or plan the next meal or something else.  

Now I need to think of a finger snack to take to the event.  Oh, maybe jalapeno cheddar muffins.  That sounds good.  Oh, maybe zucchini ... I have quite a lot of that shredded in the freezer, but savory not sweet.  

***

Ooweee it's been a long week.  Lots of work at the last second.  Don't want to talk more about work because it's Saturday!  Dog and I are happy.  She didn't get her walk last week because it was too cold to want to drive in my truck, but she will get it tomorrow, yay.  And today I need to get out and move, there was too much sitting and screen staring all week.  Move mulch, prep garden beds.  I probably need to get more garden soil to top off the beds but its not really urgent so it'll wait and see if I really do.  I have two books to return to the library, one of which is due today and the other I just don't want to read (started and didn't like it), and I'm almost done with another that is also due today.  The one I finished last night is Colin Gets Promoted and Dooms the World and it was ok.  The Dovekeepers is what I didn't like.  Both of those were recommended by friends.  One Day Everyone Will Have Been Against This is almost done but it's definitely a book to stop and ponder and reread.  But, there's a long hold list and I don't want to keep its excellence from other people.  

Yesterday I picked up Great Big Beautiful Life, which I'll have a couple of weeks to read.  I also have Wards of the State which I've been not reading but it just got called in with a hold request so I'll at least start that and see. I still have a dozen hold requests and I'm coming to the top for more soon, so I'll keep momentum going.  I'm also keeping a list of books I want to read that I'm not requesting a hold on - I only usually do that if it's popular and a long queue, and authors I've liked.  Almost everything I'm reading now is recommendations from friends or the "best of" book lists.  I'm trying hard to get back into reading and it seems like I'm getting back on track but I'm being careful to not push too hard and derail myself.  

There are several things I like about Facebook, and one is when people post books they read and liked.  (Other things include when people post about their sobriety, their kids and pets being cute or funny, and political activism heads up from friends.)  

I need to get better about protecting my eyes.  I reached out to my boss about accessibility because someone post to the intranet a document we're supposed to use and I had enough.  They used very light colored font, and the lack of contrast and other style choices actually nauseated me to try to read.  She said there's a management meeting she can bring it up to.  It's not just that document, it's a regular issue where I work, but I finally was done squinting.  My eyes are super important to me and they are kind of ragged.  Been myopic since very little, and last year found that the top layer on my right eye is like folded which causes issues but hopefully doesn't continue to worsen and I won't need surgery (I saw a specialist), and my oil glands get blocked so don't keep my eyes moisturized.  The eye doctor I saw last week said I should be using the warm compress and wipes EVERY NIGHT which was WAAAAY more than I am willing to commit to, though she did tell me about the compress that is just one eye at a time, so I dnot' have to sit with my eyes closed for 7 minutes every night.  But also I don't want to have to buy wipes as she strongly urged - that's like $20/month on an item that seems unnecessary.  Also I'm kind of annoyed because the doctor who diagnosed it the previous year didn't give any details about frequency or anything beyond "warm compress."  So I asked a lot more questions this time, even when I didn't care for the answers.  She said that they are seeing way more of this problem in young people now, probably because of all the screen time.  I so look forward to when I can retire and am no longer spending so many hours staring at a screen.  My body is not made for this life of being a wage slave.

No more food shopping this last week because I'm almost at my budget limit has been good, got me digging in the storage and using things up.  Eating a lot more yogurt with frozen berries, sourdough, etc. - things that I make as habit.  I do still have $13 I can spend this month and be on track, but I'm afraid to overspend if I go to spend that, so I'll just wait until tomorrow.  I think I want to treat myself with a chocolate cherry cake, to use up some of the sour cherries I picked last year, but need to figure out a low sugar option that is still tasty and satisfying as a treat (and freezes well).  Even if I cut the sugar in recipes by half, it's usually a lot more sugar than I want to consume.  I'd rather use dates and fruit to sweeten. 

My official weigh in day is Sunday morning, but I cheat along the way, and so far this week I'm on a positive trajectory, in terms of the direction I want to be going (down).  So that also keeps me motivated to eat "clean."  I was craving a Reuben sandwich because I saw one on TV show (High Potential), but I wouldn't be able to get a good one plus tip for less than $13 so I stayed firm and ate some more turnip greens.  The budget has multiple benefits.   

Federal tax refund landed yesterday so that's going straight to my mortgage. Everything helps.  I'm so focused on paying off my house and retiring, it's almost an obsession.  I'm quite proud of myself for finding a deduction that the tax software hadn't identified.  I read IRS guidance and think I'm clearly correct.  Yay for me.  It's not a huge amount and if I'm not overly worried about being wrong, but still proud of myself.  I've been audited twice but each time, I got MORE refund.  And not like a full audit where I had to meet with the IRS, just somebody there going over my return to check it for accuracy and then sending me a check for more.  I remember once having a roommate who went to a tax preparer who told her to claim like $20,000 in mortgage deduction and SHE DIDN'T OWN A HOUSE.  We were all renting.  I remember being so concerned for her and telling her not to, and she's like "they know what they're doing! everyone is doing it" and I'm like "what they're doing is fraud and it'll bite you in the ass."  They were convicted later, I know that for sure, though I don't know if she was also caught along with all their other clients.  At best she's probably paying the IRS forever.  I liked her, we all got along well despite being very different, but I never understood her choices.  She spent so much money on things she didn't need to and then lamented how she never had any money.  Like, and I know this is a little thing, but she'd make dinner, eat, and then THROW AWAY THE REST.  She just didn't want to eat leftovers.  That could have cut her food bill, but no.  She ate out, drank out a lot.  She wore a ton of makeup, would use washcloths to remove it, and then when they wouldn't wash out clean she'd throw them away and buy new ones.  If she didn't like her iron anymore, she'd just throw it away.  Granted, we were in southern California where this behavior is the norm, but the other roommate (from Germany) and I were always astounded and would go retrieve the perfectly good item to use for years to come.  My point is just that I would never deliberately defraud the government (even when evil - so it's less a moral issue and more a not wanting to be convicted of tax fraud) and I have a pattern of erring on the side of overpaying taxes apparently, but I am proud of determining this legal deduction when the tax software hadn't.  

Not a ton of demanding to-dos for this weekend. I'd like to move mulch to get some activity, maybe bike to the library and if there's a protest to join (things are heating up hard here with fucking federal agents so I'm shopping for riot gear like a mask to protect from tear gas and ear plugs to protect from noise including LRAD - but to be honest, the protest noise bothers me especially all the honking).  Walk the dog tomorrow.  Clean, laundry, cooking as usual.   Quilt - I haven't done that in a couple of weeks because my hands were hurting so bad, but they're better now.  Read.  OH, i need to clean filters for heating/vacuum.  

I saw photos from the ski trip I skipped and I'm glad I didn't go - the snow was seriously hardpacked and would have caused pain to fall on, there were so many people there, etc.  Totally unlike the skiing that I have very enjoyed - stepping outside my house, strapping on my skis, and being the only human around as I note the different quality of sound depending on how cold it is (the shush-shush of skis is VERY different between 20 above and 20 below, and below 30 below it just starts to feel dangerous though I sometimes pushed through because I was young and invincible).  The nature and solitude, the beauty of it all, that's what I loved.  Seeing moose and porcupines and other critters; back then I had a very smart dog who didn't like danger (unlike my thrill seeking psychopath now).  Going to a ski resort isn't likely going to cut it for me at all.  Though I may try again sometime when my job isn't so demanding.  

OK, we're above 40 degrees now, probably time to start getting out there and being active.  The dog has done her rounds and is snoozing beside me, but she's always ready to rally.  She is really very sweet and does little things like walk me to bed, wait until I'm finished eating before coming to beg to clean the bowl, etc.  She does the best that she can do.  Don't we all?   

protest and groceries

 Scale says I lost 0.6 pounds.  I'll take it.  This weight loss is grindingly slow, 10 pounds in the last six or seven months.  IT's only expected to keep getting slower.  HOw much more do I want to lose?  Another 20 pounds or so would be good.  another 40 would be probably ideal.  

Waiting for laundry to dry so I can head out to the protest.  I realized that I do not need to buy poster board - I have cardboard and sharpies.  NO brilliant slogans today, just ABOLISH ICE on one side, the other IMPEACH HIM.

I may try wearing the thermal underwear I got for skiing. It's maybe up to 30 degrees now and I'll be cold.  I was going to wear a hat I've had for several years - I got it in Paris when I went to visit a friend around New Year's, from Africa, where I had zero clothes for cold weather for good reason.  It's never looked good so I'll stick with the fleece beanie I wear regularly in the cold.  It's not fancy and I don't care.  I got it on clearance at REI, back when even their low-end gear was worth the money.  Sadly it no longer is.  Their low-end stuff now, like rainjackets and rainpants, fall apart so quickly it's like they were bought at Walmart but way more expensive.  

No response from the cold weather shelter to my offer for help, so laundry is just mine today it appears.

Today I plan to FINALLY make the squash curry with baked tofu and black barley as the base grain.  I think I'll also make the purple cabbage garbanzo peanut salad I like so much and eat on pitas.  And I'll prep to cook sukuma wiki tomorrow.  I have a variety of greens to use up, and I've been craving beef.  I like the idea of veganism but I'm not fully there (yet).  

The dog is clingy.  Does she know that Alex Pretti had a Catahoula that died last year?  We Catahoula people are a special lot.  

I don't think anything will happen with today's protest, no tear gas, not likely to be arrested.  But I still reached out to Friend to ensure the dog is cared for no matter what.  

**

Protest was fine, several hundred people there crowding and spilling over from an intersection.  There was a little information especially urging us to civil resistance and to read Erica Chenoweth's research on that.  I appreciate homework. 

and now I'm cooking dinner and hoping to stay motivated to prep the next two meals as well.  

I've been spending a lot on food this month, hoping to stay under the $400/month budget but no guarantee.  I also have an eagle eye and caught that the store wasn't giving me the $2 off price on the feta, so they called the cheese monger to update prices.  The peanuts are also a little stale, which is actually good for discouraging me from just gobbling them all down.  They'll still be fine in the cabbage salad.  

 Oof, I am just all day every day wanting to be retired.  Just saw a tai chi course offered Thursdays at 8:30 am.  Guess where I am then?  GRINDING.  there are SO MANY things that I want to do that I cannot do because I work full time.  I want to volunteer at a soup kitchen type place.  So many other things.  And I can't.  Because I work.  I don't want to spend all my best life grinding.  Working 50+ hours every week is too much.

Ooooh, that curry turned out GOOD.  Very tasty and satisfying.  Just printed out ingredients to tape on containers to share in the little fridge, hoping somebody else likes it.  The squash disintegrated, maybe because I cooked it too long, maybe from freezing, so I only lightly cooked the chard and then the texture of the barley and baked tofu really added to it.  It's probably 5-6 meals worth (I eat smaller meals these days) and I will only want to eat it twice more, so off the meals go, and I sure hope somebody likes it.  

OK, my food spending this month is up to $387, which is high.  Budget is $400. I ate out once, which was about $19 with tip, but otherwise ... hm.  Where's the money going?  Food tariffs are hitting cheese prices for sure (feta, parmesan).  I'm wickedly stocked up on coffee - I just mixed the lighter roast with the french roast and it actually tastes fine.  I got avocado oil which was $17, and tuna (on sale) and butter (not on sale but very good).  And sparkling water.  That's all the double digit costs this month, everything else under $10.  So I think just some stocking up maybe.  More produce than I had been buyuing since my garden is done producing.  

IN theory at least, I shouldn't need to spend any more money in the next six days so I should be able to come in under budget, even though I'm out of things like milk.  I have the ingredients to make at least two meals which will also provide leftovers (beef & greens, tempeh chili - no, make that three - squash w/lentils & feta I just got), and other meals frozen including three kinds of burritos.  I can eat tuna sandwiches.  I have plenty of food in my freezer and pantry including a big bag of sweet potatoes I keep forgetting about and still like 10 more squash, and some frozen greens and green beans, plus apples in my fridge, dried fruit, and a ton of frozen berries.  Lots of beans of course, though I don't have time to cook from dried.  I also have sardines and some frozen salmon, pasta, fava bean pesto.  Oh yeah, I'm more than fine.  The week after this one will be a lot more challenging at work with no time to shop or cook so if I need to shop to be prepared for that, then I will, but otherwise I'm better than good.  I can live without milk and scallions and black barley and other such things.  

 

not unprecedented and also horrific

 I am well aware that my privilege allows me some measure of astonishment at the current situation with the US government.  I haven't been in their crosshairs before, unlike many others.  HOrrible things have been done by this government with different leaders.  

I just watched video of the killing of Alex Pretti, and I am horrified like so many others but not everyone is horrified.  Others are spinning lies, and that is a horror of its own.

NOthing I write seems anything but trite.  These are horrible times.

I've reached out again about volunteer organizing; they rejected me before and I'm going to push.  I also reached out to help do laundry for the cold shelters because i saw a Facebook post.  I love doing laundry, especially other people's.  Hopefully I hear back from them, but of course I can't do it during the week.  but I can be mobilized for when there are weekend needs.   

What can we do?  This feels overwhelming.  Minnesota is fucking amazing.  

I went to go see Friend from Grad School.  Her husband is obviously an immigrant by appearance and accent, and I wanted to check their pulse.  They seem ok, focused on other things like children's health.  I don't know if he's a citizen though obviously that doesn't matter now, nor the children, even though their mother is a blond American.  

I need to get tapped into support systems here, to help, to connect.

I wonder if I should be getting a firearm for protection.  Or a gas mask.  

the good thing today was that my friend's dog was no longer treating me as her nemesis.  She started with it but calmed down and let me give her treats for tricks.  She still thinks I'm suspicious but she isn't screaming at me the whole time so that's good.  I'm saddened that they're not force-free with her, which I think adds to her anxiety and behavior issues, from ecollars to spraying her with vinegar, jerking her collar, etc..  I am going to sound very judgmental, but ... it makes no sense why they got a dog.  They can barely stay on top of all of the family issues, and nobody seems to really like the dog except the daughter but only sometimes.  They can't even clean up the dog shit all over their yard (pooper scoopers make that SO EASY).  Look, their chaotic life I'm totally understanding of, but why add a dog to it and then be mean to it for acting out when you don't put time and energy into helping it behave well.  very very sad.  

 Then because she lives near Costco I went there and got more glass Snapware, butter, bouillon, and tuna on sale.  Very proud of my restraint.  I've had more Snapware on my list for ages and it was gone for quite awhile.  With freezing meals, I needed more than I have.  Hoping for a sale for one more set.  Oh, and tofu.  I like Costco's organic extra firm tofu and it's very inexpensive.  Not all tofu is created equal, and some is definitely better than other.  Four packs of it can feel overwhelming but its best by date is in late March so I shouldn't be daunted.  I do need more ways to prep it, though.  

***

I was up too late reading outrage about Alex Pretti's murder.  It feels unprecedented but of course this police violence from the federal level is not.  We have horrific history of this - including attacking people in the civil rights movement and AIM (American Indian Movement), Asian American internment camps,  Guantanamo, etc.  There are many dots creating this plane of fascist oppression, summary execution by state actors without due process.  

 And so I anticipate I will be out protesting today, just need to get out for more poster board.  Probably just ABOLISH ICE and IMPEACH HIM.  NOthing fancy.  I'm not feeling fancy, I'm feeling terrified and enraged and sorrowful.  

It's very cold and was reportedly down to 18 last night.  I haven't been running water or anything, so I feel quite lucky to have a pretty well insulated house.  In New Orleans I had so many issues with pipes freezing even when not this cold.  I'm skipping the dog walk today because the truck is really struggling to run in this cold.  I probably need to just get a new battery and stop waiting for a sale, and I probably need to fill up the gas tank so gas doesn't freeze in the lines.  

Also need to clean the house, cook, etc.  I got maybe halfway done with mulching, and did get the compost bins turned.  Need to do it again probably in a couple of weeks, when not freezing.  

Poor dog is suffering gastric distress which is probably because she was eating rotted compost yesterday.  Idiot.  when I took a break because it was frozen, I had to keep going to pound on the window to get her out of it.  Fortunately she slept most of the night and didn't have me up at 2 am to let her out, she waited until later.  She's usually not so stupid but this is her downfall.  it'll get through her system and she'll be fine.  

I need to do laundry so I can wear my favorite hoodie out in the cold to protest.  I wish I had friends here would show up for things like this, and I wish people at things like this were open to making friends there.  This whole region is so clique-ish, I do not like it.  But i'll make a lonely appearance and maybe it will be different this time. 

OK, time to keep apologizing to the dog for not giving her the usual Sunday walk because of truck failure in cold, and to start moving into the day.   

plans and then different actions

 I am rethinking if I can do a whole day ski trip.  I might have to back out.  I'm pretty concerned about my feet but also my hands as I'm not gripping well now.  The boots are very rigid and bulky, not at all like what I had before from my friend (those were the softest boots of all time - zero support, but flexible, and my feet were young).  I wish we were just going for a couple of hours, but I understand why it's a whole freaking day.  I will need to think on this more. Because if I push myself too hard, I can get sick for long, and I have a lot of demanding work requirements I can't miss.  

Speaking of which, I'm late to work now.  Supposed to be in the office at 8 am and I haven't even showered at 7:54.  I'm just dragging in part because of last night's meeting (which I was falling asleep during).  I do not have the stamina of my 40s.  I want to be excited about tonight's activity but I'm just concerned about my wellness.  So I'm drinking my coffee now and I may roll in late but not too late and then I'll be focused on some big tasks.  

Sigh. 

***

Well, I'm packing up as though I'm going to get up in 8 hours and go skiing.  We'll see how I feel in the morning.  I am shamelessly taking reading material in case I just can't hack it and need to huddle up somewhere.  I have a lot of fucking clothing and I'm not really sure what's best.  I went to pick up Friend to take her to an event, and I'd asked to borrow a fleece jacket.  She brought me six, lol.  she brought me smaller ones than she's wearing and I'd hoped for larger but it's ok.  I'm wearing one now.  I don't wear fleece jackets just in my life because of my microplastics aversion, but they are definitely useful.  I have the wool sweater I knit about 24 years ago that I shrunk too much this winter in the washer and made scratchy.  I'll probably take it despite not seeming perfect, because for about three years it was my outdoor gear - I wore it skiing and snowshoeing all the time and it was perfect.  So we'll see this time.  They said to bring a small bag but I may just bring a shitton and maybe whittle it down there.  

All their information exhorts us to bring high-calorie foods and I was taking it really seriously but then realized that's for people who dont' have whatever my eating is, so I scaled back a bit.  I just made low sugar cocoa that I'll warm up in the morning and put in a thermos, and I'm also going to warm up minestrone for a thermos.  I am so bummed that I lost the spoon that goes with the small soup thermos.  Oh well.  I'll make a turkey sandwich and a peanut butter sandwich on whole grain sourdough.  I have mixed nuts, dried pears from my yard, and dark chocolate "lightly" covered almonds (3 g sugar per 19 almonds), and a small bag of chips.  That seems plenty for the day on the slopes.  And I think we're stopping at a convenience store midway so if I REALLY REALLY want those peanut M&Ms I've been dreaming of, I'll get them.  I'm taking water to drink.  I'll get up early to drink my coffee first thing. 

I was thinking about junk fooding out and I knew I'd feel like shit, so I sort of moderated myself. 

**

Well, ski day is a no-go.  I woke up to hurting feet and knew that the last thing I needed was to be in those very uncomfortable and rigid boots that would push against fragile areas of my feet.  There is zero cushion, it's basically bone on bone, and the last time I forced myself to wear uncomfortable boots like these, it caused permanent harm (though that was of course over the course of multiple wears, not a one-day thing, but still).  

So I have a free day, yay for me.  STayed in bed until 8 am with the dog even though I couldn't go back to sleep after the 5:45 am alarm.  It's 22 degrees outside now and we're under a cold advisory.  i think that I can still drive places and do some errands because it's been unusually dry, but I'm always cautious below freezing.  I've been in some bad icy spots.  I have chores to do in the backyard (harvest turnips and greens hopefully - we'll see how they're doing - and turn the compost piles and if I'm feeling industrious, move mulch).  I have errands such as returning containers and getting propane.  But mostly I want to curl up at home and clean, cook, quilt, and read.  I returned several books yesterday and I still have a couple due soon that I want to power through this weekend, and another one is ready for pickup and it looks like two more will likely be soon.  

So now I'm starting to eat the special food I got for skiing and I'm super glad I didn't go crazy.  I'm eating the turkey lunchmeat from Trader JOe's and not loving it.  It tastes very salty and processed.  So, that's good to know for the future, as that's been a standby for special trips.  I also tried some of the other Costco butter that I had on hand and I do not care for it at all.  I will pay full price for Kerry Gold before I eat anything else.  That's just my line in the sand.  I'll for sure use other butter for baking, but if I'm eating it on toast, it's Kerry Gold or nothing.  And by nothing, I probably mean peanut butter, because I am very much liking the current peanut butter at Costco.  I like what I like, I don't what I don't.  And that's ok for a fussy old lady.

I'm making yogurt this morning as I was running lower than usual and I always have to keep that starter going.  I need to refresh my sourdough starter as well but I baked quite a bit of bread over my vacation so not needing to do that right now.  One thing I like is banana sourdough muffins but I just never buy bananas anymore so have no more overripe ones in my freezer, and the only store I know that prices down their overripe bananas had them waaaay more expensive than I think they should.  

The dog keeps tryign to get me to go outside and I keep not doing what she wants.  She wants other things too that I do not understand.  I perpetually disappoint her.  Oh, she wants me to move out of her spot on the couch.  Nope, she can take the other part.  she is displeased and making it very apparent.  

I think that when I retire, or leave my current demanding job to something easier, is when I can possibly increase my winter engagement.  I just can't afford to hurt myself as I can't stop moving for work.  A colleague recently suffered a very bad bone break requiring extensive surgeries and recuperation, which means we all have to cover.  For her, we are happy to because she is the most wonderful person who would - and does - do anything any of us needs.  But that plus two other people being out puts a strain on us.  And frankly I don't care if it puts a strain on other people for me to be out because I rarely inconvenience them, but I also just don't want to go back to the situation of not being able to walk without severe pain.  So, it is what it is.  

Oh, there's something living in the firewood.  That's what has her so upset.  It's chittering and they were brawling and I had to drag her away.  No idea what it is.  Maybe a squirrel?  Doesn't really sound like it though. But it is standing its ground for sure and this is going to be a problem becaause my dog does not back down from threats and she wants to kill something.  I don't care enough to want to empty out the woodshed, and I don't want to get bit and I don't want the dog bit either.   

**

Pro tip: when it's 22 degrees outside, the compost and leaf and woodchip piles are likely frozen.  Oof, that's a task.  Came inside to warm up my hands, maybe the sun will hit the piles and let me move things.  Or i"ll need to wait on it for another warmer day. I'm mostly done with the large compost bins, just a little bit more, but it's frozen hard.  the bin I'd tossed coffee grounds into with the leaves is showing a nice level of leaf molding, which I'm of course disturbing.  Oh well.  

I can't stop thinking about the horrors in Minnesota right now and how brave the protestors are and how evil the president's forces are.  This is Star Wars level evil right here, just SO. WRONG to come at people like they're doing.  So many horror stories of how they are treating people.  Breaking into homes without a warrant?  ABSOLUTELY NOT OK, along with all the other wrong thigns they're doing.  The scope of the terror is horrific. 

And for now I need to go back outside and deal with either closing up the bin or finishing the task, because the damn dog keeps rummaging around for coffee and snacks.   

 

 

 

the winter of my minestrone

 Today during work I put a big bring post-it DON'T SPEAK above my computer before a meeting.  And yet, I still spoke at least a dozen times.  STOP IT.  It doesn't really do any good.  STOP. 

I've got minestrone simmering now which smells great.  It's thick like a stew.  Winter squash, kale, green beans, carrots, celery, onions, garlic, white beans, tomato sauce, herbs and spices ... yum. That will also be lunch tomorrow and then I plan to make squash curry with the rest of the squash.  Maybe I get tired of squash but I will just have to live with that.  

The dog is similarly excited about her new kibble.  I read the owners of the dog food company that supplies Costco are MAGA nuts, so fuck them.  The kibbles are very small, like cat food, so the dog thinks she's getting away with something.  She's very excited.  I'll probably have to limit her so she doesn't get sick.  Usually I don't have to think about monitoring her food intake, she self-regulates, but this is like me with a bag of Oreos.  

I need to remember where I got the kale I put in this soup because i like the texture.  

**

I'm going to call this the winter of my minestrone though of course it's also of my discontent.  I'm a pretty discontent person. I think I have to admit.  

Day three of minestrone and it's fine, though I maybe don't want to keep making it so often.  It was fine when I'd just eat it once or twice and give away the rest, but when I dont' have time to cook every day, it's a lot of leftovers, which i tire of.  I have an activity tonight, tomorrow night, and all day Saturday, so that trumps cooking.  

Had a funny moment today when somebody I'd met through work mentioned th emillion other places she used to work.  "Wait, did you work [at this place] in like maybe 1994?"  "Maybe?"  "And was there someone else there, like in management, who dated your brother?"  IT WAS HER.  It was all her.  It's wild because when I met her, I felt like I knew her well somehow - well I did, 32 years ago.  That's so wild.  I was only there a very hot minute and my name was totally different, but now it's dredging up all these other things.  Labor disputes and some trippy shit.  It's the first time I'd ever had mole, which a coworker made for me.  I learned about bauxite mining.  It's just wild to make that connection.  I lived here for like three years and it was over three decades ago, so I never expect to remember people.  The few people I remember by name that I haven't stayed in contact with have all passed away.  I have some feelings about that but no time to get into them. 

Oh, need to print things, put real pants on, get ready to head out.   

just move

 More than usual recently, I find myself struggling to get up off the couch.  Not physically, but mentally.  I just want to sit still.  Finish a book, think a thought.  Unfortunately that clashes with my never-ending to-do list.  

This morning I struggle to start laundry because it is cold in the laundry room.  But also, I just don't want to move. I'll be happier when my house is cleaner, laundry done, clean sheets on both beds, but ... moving in that direction is a struggle.  

**     

WOW.  Just saying that "out loud" (putting it on the blog), completely changed my trajectory.  I got the laundry started, got through the pile of mail, catch up with a friend/former employee who has moved, etc. etc.   Awesomesauce.  And that's probably why I keep writing here, how it helps me see things to express them. 

The friend left New Orleans after I did, and she and her husband are enjoying their new home.  We compare things we like.  I of course feel very strongly about being able to bicycle almost everywhere I need to go, and I may have mentioned it before but this is very important to me: buying food outside the massive agribusiness scheme.  Through a food wholesaler here and a grocery store nearby that value food systems, I'm able to know things like where my wheat and black barley were grown, and know who I'm supporting with my purchases.  As scant as my purchases are, of course. 

So there was of course a march today which I didn't attend, and it was large and meaningful and I'm pretty aggravated that I cannot figure out a source of information about such things.  I would have like to have been there.  Especially now that I have thermal underwear!  I was thinking of that, that maybe I won't return it after skiing, but hang onto it for protesting.  I got it on the too small side so I won't grow/shrink out of it for quite some time, if ever.   

I am quite pleased with how my kimchi burritos turned out, though I wasn't really crazy about Wildbrine kimchi even though it was on sale.  Next time I'll try one of the jars I saw there.  I do only need one burrito for a meal, not two.  I keep forgetting that, and then a few bites into a second I'm like, yeah, no.  I'll put a few into the fridge for this week, then freeze the rest.  My special dessert treat today is a big bag of strawberries that I froze last June.  I thawed the whole damn thing into a large container, and they are SO. GOOD.  So worth the work and freezer space.  I may also make some hot chocolate - I've been meaning to for ages but then just haven't.  I also got most of the minestrone prepped - cut up winter squash for that and the squash curry I plan to make on Wednesday, chopped the onion, carrot, celery, pulled out a can of green beans, white beans, and tomato sauce (all of which I canned myself of course).   I think i froze some kale recently in the fridge, or I'll maybe toss in some turnip greens.  I do like to have greens in my minestrone, though I will be putting chard into the curry so it's not like I'll not be having dark leafy greens this week.  

Last night I spent some time looking for cooking classes and I was underwhelmed.  Before the pandemic, in the LA area I know there were more, like long weekend classes, because I was planning to go do that.  But they seem all gone, replaced with everything on-line or for just two hours, or for a full year.  I just want like a weeklong bootcamp with vegan food especially.  I can certainly read cookbooks and watch videos, but ultimately things like knowing how cashew cheese can taste, and a lot of other things I don't know yet - I would want to do that in person with an expert.  Like how I learned about fermentation.  I think the pandemic really shifted everything to be remote, and it is NOT the same especially when talking about smells and tastes.  So, my search will continue.  I'm not interested in a full culinary school because (a) I don't have the kind of stamina that would require, and (b) for what?  I just want to cook better food for myself, expand my options, gain expertise.  I found a few cooking classes within a few hours drive but none were interesting - it's all things that I know how to make fine or don't really care to (I have zero interest in making risotto, thanks - I've eaten what everybody would call excellent risotto and I still don't care for it).  I saw an interesting program in Sweden, but I do think that I need to stay stateside probably.  Much of what I know about cooking I learned in Germany, in community courses I'd join.  I took German class, tai chi, and several cooking classes.  Probably other things.  I vaguely recall some of the German cooking though not specifics, though I remember being in the classroom and learning.  I didn't ever take home ec in school, I took woodshop instead.  No regrets, but I had things to learn about cooking. I still do. I toyed with a community college full culinary course, but it is super focused on meat, and I'm not interested.  If I move back to a place where meat is a primary source of food because of hunting, then I'll go back to eating it.  But so long as I live here, I have a ton of great plant options so don't need to eat animals.  Though I do still need to figure out that dairy crutch.  I was toying with giving up coffee and drinking green tea exclusively instead, but coffee has health benefits, too, and I quite enjoy it.  I mixed the medium roast beans with a very dark roast that I also had gotten, and it seems ok.  Maybe I'll just drink on that, not return or give away the medium beans.  And no, I have zero interest in drinking of the alternative creamers - they're all ultraprocessed and/or a carbo dump.  Oat milk tastes good but it fucks with my blood sugar.  I don't need that, at all.  Maybe I could make soy milk or flax milk, without any additives or preservatives.  

Oh, the point I meant is that foods I could buy in Germany for the cooking classes, I cannot buy here.  Things are different.  Like, I love various wheats I could get there that are not found anywhere here (like I just searched a German database for this ingredient, and 5,399 recipes came up - it's a common thing there, never seen it here, don't even know what to call it here; it's reportedly half-ripe spelt - definitely never seen that anywhere here, and even if I could it would be a luxury special purchase rather than the every day tasty food as in Germany).  And fresh cheeses, and a lot of things.  So learning Swedish ingredients would likely have similar issues.  I'm very looking forward to going to Iceland someday so I read up about food there, and I'm especially interested in the fish jerky.  I've occasionally seen that in the far north in the Americas, but I look forward to trying theirs because what I had before was very hard to chew and was best with seal oil.  

Oh, a barrier towards veganism for me is butter.  I absolutely hate the ultraprocessed margarine shit, and I only really like KerryGold butter.  I was looking at butter in the supermarket not long ago and all of them except KG had flavor added.  Seriously?  No.  Not doing that.  

But I can reduce my dairy consumption.  Make coconut yogurt instead of dairy?  Make soy and flax milk and freeze it to use since it has a short shelf life?  Work around parmesan with more nutritional yeast and miso?  Sure, all those things are do-able.  But replacing feta and cheddar would be tough.  Reduce rather than eliminate is probably the name of my game.  And maybe someday I won't even like them anymore, like how I feel about pork and chicken.   

As I was prepping to cook this week, I realized that I am running short on garlic.  I thought for sure when I harvested it that I would have too much and would need to freeze or powder it, but I only have maybe ten more heads so I'll only make it into February, and I won't be able to harvest again until July.  That is tragic, very sad.  I add lots of garlic to everything I make because it is so so tasty.  Oh well.  I also don't have the best storage for it so there are sprouts and such, so it's probably fine, but yeah, I've really enjoyed it and I'm glad I planted what I did but next year I'll probably plant even more.  

Got most of what I wanted done today. Not the extras, but the necessaries.  The vacuuming, the cleaning, the laundry, the cooking.  Another book ready to return to the library.  Grape vines pruned again, filled the compost bin and taken to curb.   REady for another week?  Fuck no.   

 

 

still cold

Very glad I didn't wait to do my errands because it is cold out there.  Wearing two layers including a hoodie and my eyes water walking into the store.  Brrr.  

But I found what I needed.  Thermal underwear that should work ok, and a Lifestraw on clearance (just for my in case of emergency kit, I've been planning to get one).  Most of the seeds I need plus canning jars for a very good price on clearance - broccoli, shelling peas, and tomatoes and melons that are supposed to do well dry farmed.  Feeling not fried, I went to my nearby department store and found a crockpot on clearance for 19.99, and I've been wanting one.  Also a dog toy for 79 cents and a bathrobe for $13.  Eyed the paper shredder, the reason I was there, but the sale price is still $27 and I'd like to try to fix the one I have and jammed.  If I can't, I can't, but that seems reasonable penance for impatiently breaking it.  

When I was looking at the seeds, a woman and her young son were also there, speaking in Russian.  it was shocking how clear her Russian was to my brain and how I understood everything she was speaking.  I did live in Russia for half a year or so back in 1992, I think, but I've used it very rarely since then, and I never considered myself really fluent.  I would not say my experiences in Russia were overly favorable (thought the KBG agent I hooked up with Latvian and quite kind despite the cruelty of his friend group in which we both found ourselves).  But one of the best though also worst experiences was time at the dacha with the family's grandmother.  I just shadowed her and learned a lot about gardening and cooking and food preservation and life.  She's tell me stories of surviving the Siege of Leningrad when she was young, and she was also a horrible person, racist and anti-semitic, which came out in one of the most awkward moments of which I've ever been, as she dismissed a long-time friend of the family who stopped by, very rudely, because with the fall of the Soviet Union she no longer had to pretend to be anything different from who she truly was.  Watching him walk away crestfallen, decades of closeness stripped away in a cruel moment.  It was awful.  The grandmother's son was a weak, annoying man, and her daughter-in-law was very stuck on herself; generally kind but also very chaotic.  So many nights she'd be stumbling drunk and climb into my bed and ask for more vodka (I had some stashed that I'd pick up when I found it, stocking up for a party).  there were so many food shortages then, you always had to be ready to buy whatever there was a line for.  

ANYWAY, like I said, I spent time gardening with her and sort of got a feel of some things, and so I followed this pair around the store to see what they were getting.  I almost spoke with them but that seemed creepy.  I wanted to ask what they're growing, what they'll pickle, all that.  When they noticed I was hovering near them, I backed off, finished looking at the tomato seeds I will not buy.  But it was remarkable to me that I actually understood everything.  It was simple language, conversations I perhaps would have had, but still.  

 **Maybe 

I've just finished Memorial Days by Geraldine Brooks and I really enjoyed it.  I remember reading her first novel,  Year of Wonders with the book club I had with my friend/co-worker I wrote of yesterday.  I couldn't have told you anything about the book except I recognized the title and author and I remember when we would gather and I enjoyed that.  

Something about her writing reminds me of Larry McMurtry, which seems a strange connection.  Ms. Moon introduced me to him, and I've only read one book but I liked it.  I remember where I was when I read it, lying on my bed in my little travel trailer that I got because my dog hates tent camping so much.  (To be fair, the first time I took her tent camping, there was a crazy electrical storm, and she climbed under the truck shaking with terror.  She was so upset that I just loaded everything back up into the truck and drove the two hours or so back to New Orleans at 2 am.  And she never wanted anything to do with tent camping again, but she sure loved our little trailer.)  

Today I've been thinking again of what the after-dog life will be like, how strange this house and yard will seem without her oversized presence.  I have for over a decade changed my life to suit this dog, this reactive aggressive beast who was just curled up on this couch with me as I read, in a sweet snugly moment.  I think again of how free I will feel, how I can chuck all my possessions and drive off into the sunset.  There are people and places I want to see.  Even places like Archer City Texas, where Larry McMurtrey was from.  Or Marfa, Texas, and for sure the Big Bend National Park, after I spent time with friends in California and New Mexico, and before that around The Wave.  Maybe I zigzag across the country, because I also want to spend time at the Badlands, and Joshua Tree is one of my very favorite places on the planet.  A very close friend is in St. Louis and of course all my beloveds in New Orleans.  And up the Eastern Seaboard, a place I do not know well, but I have close friends in upstate New York with good train service, where I could go to the City or to Montreal.  

This place where I am now has served me well twice now.  The first time, I tried and dropped out of numerous educational institutions until I landed here, and finally it clicked for me.  I've always been good at school, was valedictorian without really thinking about it, not driven to compete but just to master.  But finding a good college for me was hard until I came here, and things worked out for me.  And then I left, but visit back.  Friend is of course so solid still, and lets me use her address for many purposes, and I can stash necessary possessions in her attic.  

And now this time I've returned and similarly found a job where I can finish my working years, hopefully.  And if I am young and healthy enough, maybe I similarly leave again.  Of course Friend is not getting any younger, and I don't know how long she will live in the house she bought with her ex-husband nearly five decades ago.  

As much as I toy with the idea of sticking around here and doing the slow work of building community, I think I'm just much better suited to the quick bursts of intimacy that I've forged throughout my life since I left home when 17.   The magical moments with strangers becoming friends in often the peculiarist of circumstances.   

Anyway, I'm just glad to have had some inklings of enjoying reading again.  That is such a relief.  Indeed, it is my worklife that kills the pleasure, and that is hopefully not forever.   

I am her

 Just finished my lunch of broccoli, tofu, and black barley, and I had a strong memory.

There was a woman in our town.  A teacher who arrived later (like when I was in high school), so I never knew her directly.  I'd see her biking all the time, and the scoffing about how she'd be out biking in inclement weather instead of just driving with the rest of us, and how it's dangerous and all the things.  she was always wearing bright gear, probably well lighted, but still, on the narrow roads it can be an annoyance to avoid hitting a bicyclist.

But even worse what what she ate, and I heard tons of complaints about her reheating food such as broccoli and fish.  Scoffing at the healthy things she'd eat that would stink up the place. How rude they considered her to be.

And I try to not reheat fish and broccoli at work, but ... that's usually the kind of thing I'm eating.  

Am I fully her?  The annoying woman outside the norm?  

Probably. 

She was never any kind of role model to me, just someone that everyone I knew complained about.  I remember them complaining about her personality too, her rudeness and self-absorption.  I don't remember her name, don't know if she had friends, if she's still there. Don't know if I ever met her, the woman bicycling in the rain.  

Also, I do quite like the black barley though it's pretty flavorless.  I think I'll cook it with bouillon in the future.  The texture is great.  For me.  But I do know that I'm a weirdo.   

signs of aging

 I keep seeing famous people around my age, the signs of that showing.  The man who played Van in the show Reba is now wrinkled, and he's years younger than me.  How is it possible that Noah Wyle is younger than me when his face is - similar to Julia Roberts, who is barely older than me - morphing fundamentally.  

And these are famous people, wealthy people, with access to youthful maintenance products.  On the one hand, I appreciate them not fighting the aging.  On the other, I avoid seeing my own face on the Zoom calls because the distortions of age are writ even bolder there.  Katherine La Nasa though, no signs.  Lots of other people too of course, she just struck me today because of how she's aging gracefully.  

Second season of The Pitt is on and I haven't started yet.  I liked binging last time, though it's intense.  It's very well done.

Watching a show here and there about a woman in a town in California where I lived.  The first house I bought, the first job I could have stayed in until I retired.  I fit in despite my oddness, forging very close friendships.  (I remember when I flew in for the funeral of a colleague, one of the others turned to me after and said, "I had no idea you two were such close friends."  There was all the evidence, all the photos of us doing things together, hanging out together, being together.  Her husband and I hugged and cried together, his stern exterior fading because I knew how hard this was.)  I'd be retired now probably, my house long paid off.  It was a cute house, solid in the southern California way, with a garage (too short for my truck), 3 bedrooms, 2 bath.  Towards the end I had two roommates; we were all very different people though I became very good friends with one, and we stay in touch.  

It's not a magical place - I don't recall any of the magical moments that I do from so many other places, though I did quite like that I could go days without having to speak any English.  But it was a very welcoming place for me.  I thrived there, until I left.  I just do not stay.  It's not even like i make conscious decisions "Oh, it's time to move on."  It's that I'm physically incapable of staying in one place.  I roam.   

Who would I have been if I had stayed?  Oh well.  No regrets.  

the dog has been very playful lately, doing zoomies and trying to engage me with toys.  Following me everywhere, rushing to be my backup no matter the issue.  Life is really hard with a reactive aggressive dog - I can't really travel, having people here is hard, I don't want to leave her home alone all the time, always fearing the worst if anything happens, including fearing law enforcement because of course we've had our brushes with the law because of her fucking biting.  And also the truth is that when she is gone and all that stress evaporates, I will miss her fiercely.  I never have to have any fear if she's by my side because she would absolutely protect me with her dying breath.  She would love to die a warrior's death.  But that's not the world we live in.  For now at least.

As most of the United States and parts of the rest of the world, we have NO FUCKING CLUE how to deal with this fuckhead president.  This is such an awful situation.  We're flooded with the horrors constantly.  

**

Woke up this morning with more news that is disastrous and awful.  US soldiers are on standby for deployment to Minnesota for ICE protests?  WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK.  

When this regime came into power, I was driving on a Sunday, past businesses to take the dog out for a walk. And my mind flashed to these nice bustling businesses firebombed and desolate.  It's not a hard stretch for me - I've worked in countries recovering from civil war, and I was in New Orleans for recovery after Katrina.  I shook it off, thinking I was being too alarmist.  

That doesn't sound too alarmist now.  I'm also in a blue state where the state and local leadership pushes back on federal bullshit.  Is he going to invade us all?  

And yes, Europe, I'm super sorry about Greenland and all the awfulness of that.  We're just in the WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK mode every time we turn around now.  

On another dire note (soon I'll get lighter), I'm reading Geraldine Brooks' latest Memorial Days, about how she grieved the sudden loss of her long-time husband.  He was 60 years old, walking down the street alone, when he suddenly collapsed.  Skilled people around did all the right things, but he died.  She describes him as trim, gym rat, very healthy, under cardiologist care due to familial heart issues.  I am only halfway through and there may be more that she's foreshadowing now, such as him drinking too much - or his heavy stress from book deadlines.  But every time i hear about a healthy person dying at an age very near mine, I get nervous.  If I knew that I would die in less than three years, what would I do?  I sure as shit wouldn't be going to my job every day.  Will the stress of that job kill me?  I sure hope not.  But a previous stressful job did cause me heart problems - and when I learned that a predecessor had died of a heart attack likely from the stress (it's the 24/7 on call that's so hard for me, the disturbed sleep), I quit.  And the heart problems went away.

I could definitely engage in healthier habits now.  I can always use more movement in my life, and I could engage better with tai chi or qi gong, that type of thing.  I should really start with more resistance training.  Meditation isn't great for me, at least all the times I've tried, but there are other stress reducers I could do.  Walking was always my stress reducer so the arthritis is really a bitch.  But I could figure things out.  But overall, it's now a fairly rare day that I'm not moving - whether bicycle commuting, hauling dirt, etc.  We have this idea that being a gym rat, spending hours there six days a week, is the way to health, but the centenarians in the Blue Zones aren't doing that - they're doing what I'm doing, moving.  

Anyway, I don't want to waste my life, especially if it's short.  I think it likely I'll live to my early 80s but there's no guarantee, and I've been threatened for decades that I could die of thyroid storm at any moment.  I long scoffed, but the older I get, the more imminent mortality is, which frames things somewhat differently.  My biggest concern is what happens to my dog if something happens to me; I think it's clear she'd live with Friend, who would just need to shrink her life a bit until the dog dies.  Knowing she'd be cared for is a big reason I moved here.  The dog has to be at least 11 years old, and even though she zoomies and prancey-dances like a puppy, she won't live forever.   

The tie between Minnesota troops and death is also linked by this article of a bishop urging Episcopalian priests to get their affairs in order.  None of us is truly safe in these times of Gestapo-like violence.  

OK, on to less dire thoughts.  In addition to finding thermal underwear to go skiing next weekend (shall I start calling it a "base layer"?), I think I'll maybe go to Costco.  I don't much care for the coffee I bought recently, it's too lightly roasted.  I like a good rich dark roast.  Yes, it says medium roast, but some medium roasts are fine, and when I smelled it I thought it was good.  But it's too fruity.  I mean, it's fine, no disrespect, I would drink it if served.  But when I'm starting my morning, I want a dark, rich cup of coffee.  So, I think I'll return it.  I was going to just give it away from my porch, but I paid $16 for it so I think it's worth a trip to Costco.  I also want to see their parmesan and feta situation now.  And pick up some peanut butter.  I very much like the peanut butter they have now, it's different from what they used to have which was fine.  I don't think of myself as a peanut butter person really, but I do use quite a lot of it in the "energy balls" I make to eat instead of desserts (cacao, nut butter, dates, nuts, hemp hearts, flax seeds, etc.).  And I want to snag more of this PB before it disappears.  Not sure why I like it so much, maybe how the peanuts are roasted and because it's less salted (3% of daily allowance for sodium with 2 Tbsp ani't bad at all).  I love Spanish roasted peanuts.  LOVE.  Like, I was really excited to see that my new favorite store just started stocking them in bulk, but I didn't buy any because I would eat the whole container and I'd already bought cashews.  Most nuts I can just have a handful here and there, but those Spanish peanuts are like crack to me.  YUM.  Anyway, the peanut butter now at Costco has more of that flavor and I like it, though I don't go all wild about it.  I had peanut butter toast last night but I'm not having that daily or even regularly most of the time.  Also to get at Costco: tuna.  But also I don't know that I have it in me to go there today, so this may have to wait and that should be ok.  I do appreciate Costco's generous return policy.  I don't think that I abuse it, but I do use it.  I'm overspent with food this month if I'm trying to stick to $300/month, but I'm still well under for the $400 I budgeted.  I haven't been overspending really, just stocking up on more grains and legumes, and then this coffee and eating out once and avocado oil as my big ticket items.  Also, the broccoli I cooked yesterday was $7.14 which seems quite high.  I do like the store that I stop at on Sundays after dog walk, but their produce is really expensive when not on sale.  I just had a broccoli craving, perhaps some nutrient in it.  I do want to try to grow it this year and eat it more often. 

It's time to start moving toward dog walk, though not quickly.  There's frost out there and no sun, so the road could be icy and my truck doesn't handle that well at all; weather forecast says it'll be better in an hour.  Maybe I could stop first at the store, to bide more time before going out the road.  The dog is refusing to go outside, holding her bladder until we walk.  Silly dog.  She'll go out if I do though.  She will never let me be unattended if she has any control.   

Scale says I lost .8 pounds this week.  I'll take it.  When I weigh myself at other points in the week, the weight is lower on the scale.  But I only record the same day (Sunday) and approximate time (morning before eating) each week.  So now I'm almost down to where I was about a month ago, before I gained weight with the holiday eating.  Hopefully I"ll stay in the direction i'm on now.  

OK the downside to stopping at the store before dog walk is that I'll have to jump start the battery again ad that's only like a 5 minute drive away.  Oh well.  I keep waiting my local retailer to have car batteries on sale again and then I can return the core of what I have to Costco.  Those batteries have sucked for me, three in a row.  

Oh!  The local seeds I want have just dropped at the garden store near the sporting goods store.  I wasn't sure when they would, since they weren't there last time I was.  Yay to not having to order on-line, and save shipping.  (They're local-ish, not like just down the street, and they dont' have a storefront.)  I can bike there, I've done it before.  Just not sure it's going to be warm enough soon enough to want to do that.  It's ok if I choose to drive instead; I usually choose to bike when feasible so i get to cut myself some slack when I don't.  When i'm retired, I can bike all the time as I won't be so restricted on the time I have available.  

but don't really want to leave the house

 Finally, after several gloomy very cold days, we see sunshine and it is glorious.  Just spent the past three hours outside hauling soil and just hanging out with the hound. 

And now I really really do not want to get in my car and do errands and shopping.  I could bike to the grocery store and enjoy more sun, but I kind of just don't want to leave the house at all.  I like my house, why would I ever want to leave it, except to earn the dollars to pay for it?  

Plus, now I'm hungry and don't want to wait for food, so I'm having a sweet potato-white bean-chipotle burrito for lunch, and I'll cook tofu broccoli for dinner.  I'll just eat a burrito every day for the foreseeble future.  The tortillas are whole wheat, no preservatives (locally made, refrigerated), and I cook the beans and vegetables from scratch that are inside (only exception is the chipotles in adobo, which I get in a can), I undersalt things but am heavy on herbs and spices, no added sugar, etc. etc. - so there are worse things.   

OK, the more I think about this the more I see that i really should just bike over to the sporting good store and grocery store while I can in this sunshine.  It's maybe upper 40s, plenty warm.  I don't know if days like this lie ahead, the forecast hasn't been very accurate for awhile.  It's only a couple of miles away, so I'll get maybe 30 minutes of biking, and how can that be a bad thing?  It is not.  It is a good thing.  And to be honest, if I see a good bakery along the way, I might stop for a tasty treat.  I'm still bitterly disappointed by the biscuit yesterday, and a day with sugar will not hurt me.  

Man, these burritos are so good!

I have lost about 20% of my body weight in the past year and a half.  To be fair, 25% of the loss was gained by a month on thyroid medication (which made me feel HORRIBLE but it pushed me to a new way of life).  But even if I discount that, I've lost 15% of my body weight, and that's not nothing.  I keep losing and it's so slow but I keep thinking that makes it more sustainable.  Every 10 pound mark is a milestone and I'm about to fall below another, so yay for me.  And so if I want to have a brownie today, I'm ok with that. Losing on average 1/2 pound for week is not nothing.  

Also, when I see the ads for GLP-1s, this is the kind of weight loss they talk about but I have none of the side effects.  And obviously we have all seen many people who have lost a lot more weight than that on those - I have two coworkers who have lost about 300 pounds combined.  Maybe I'll lose another 40 pounds, maybe I will stall out before that.  That's fine.  

OK, vibe check.  I 97% do not want to go out into the world, only 3% of me does want to.  So, majority wins.  Home I stay.  Grabbing another book off the stack, and something sweet (no or low sugar) from the freezer.  (Like a muffin or the oat pancakes I froze.) 

 

burrito bandit

Burritos are my jam lately.  Something about them.  Two of my favorites are both from the NY Times cooking - a chipotle sweet potato white bean, and a pinto/black bean with cheese.  I had the second for dinner last night, pulling it from the freezer and having a quite nice meal of it though I overheated it.

In fact, I'm getting a little fixated on which burrito next.  There is a market that used to make kimchi breakfast burritos that Friend and I loved and lived on while demoing and building the kitchen (OMG, how did I ever survive those times?).  The market stopped making them, and I think of them from time to time and how I could make them even better.  Less egg, more kimchi but keep it chopped small, add some other things.  

So I now have adzuki beans soaking and I've pulled out gochugang I need to use up and also the black barley I'm so excited about.  Actually I want to try the black barley with tofu broccoli I plan to make for lunch today, but also I could add some into the kimchi burritos if that works (if the barley tastes like I'm expecting based on its rich color).  I'll cook the beans tonight and start playing with the burrito components, and probably try it with scrambled eggs tomorrow as well.  I'm not much of an egg person tbh but sometimes it's nice in a burrito.  I may keep adding other things in, other vegetables like carrots and winter squash, maybe potatoes, or greens, maybe tempeh or tofu.  I'll keep playing to see if I can get what I'm wanting, but when I crave something like kimchi, and when I want to try something nutritious like adzuki beans and black barley, I fall in line with that craving.  

I canceled my NY Times subscription and I'm really hoping they offer me a better rate than the $250/year they were planning to charge me.  That's just not in my budget.  I read the news multiple times a day on there, and I use the recipes a lot.  Some are better than others of course, and sometimes they're unnecessarily complicated, but I get a lot of good ideas there.  So I will be sad to give it up but I'm not in a position to spend that much money.

Speaking of spending money, I'm gearing up to go out in search of non-cotton thermal underwear and fleece pants for my ski journey.  I'm not willing to invest in gear right now because I anticipate I'll go down another size or two within the next year or two, and it's not worth $300 in the good stuff to have it not fit the next time I reach to use it.   I'm just so bummed I can't find what I used to have, because of course I've been living in very warm climates for most of the past 20 years and didn't need it and didn't know that I ever would need it again.  But here I am, really wanting to engage in a healthy activity so willing to invest but not right now.  I'll try some less expensive sporting good stores and hope for sales.  I was even going to look at a used sporting good place but I drove past yesterday and it's completely boarded up so I don't know what's up with that.  I'll figure something out.  Friend similarly can't find hers, and hers was used more like 40 years ago so I don't even know if it would still be good tbh - elastic ages and fails.  She keeps thinking of herself as very sporty, but I met her 35 years ago and those days were well behind her then.  She doesn't like the reminder though, and she said she'll look to see what she can find. 

Yesterday at the end of the day I got a load of soil, so I have that to empty this morning though I'd like to wait until the temperature is at least in the 40s.  I think.  Maybe I'll just bundle up.  I do want to do that first, before I do the errands in search of thermal underwear and kimchi, just to be sure I finish the task I started and don't lose momentum.  It does seem to take around an hour so it's not bad, and it is some good exercise for sure.

This was a really rough week for exercise and food because I worked some really long days.  There's just so much work to do and so many problems to handle.  Yesterday on the way to get soil I stopped at a bakery that's pretty good, and the only savory thing they had was a chive and cheese biscuit, and the execution of that was less exciting than the idea.  I was hoping for something with more protein, I think.  And less ultraprocessed.  I just don't much care for white flour, to be honest.  It tastes flat, not very interesting.  I prefer a good whole grain flour.  So the biscuit was disappointing and then I was like, why didn't I just get a dessert like a pumpkin muffin with some nuts and seeds in it, since nobody could say a cheese biscuit is healthy.  I was trying to not eat sugar but the white flour is almost in that category.  Anyway, it was a disappointment and I was much happier when I later realized I did not have the energy to cook so just reheated a burrito which was much tastier.  Also at the bakery I was excited to see that they FINALLY have nutrition facts on their bread, because I am always looking at the grams of added sugar.  Their only whole grain bread is a honey whole wheat, and each slice has 6 grams of added sugar.  That is insane.  A tuna sandwich would push me over my daily sugar allotment without any dessert enjoyment.  I will stick with my whole grain sourdough with ZERO added sugar, thankyouverymuch.  i just keep being disappointed there and i keep forgetting because other people think it's so good.  I am not other people.  What is nice is that they offer samples, but the problem is that the sample size is all that I really want.  Like, it would be perfect if I could just walk in, get a sample or two, and then leave.  That's all I really want is just a couple of bites of a tasty treat.  I didn't even really want the biscuit after trying the sample but I of course feel compelled to buy something and everything else was sugar loaded.  

This week I have to stay on the food game because I cannot cook Thursday through Saturday due to all the damn activities I have going on.  And I heavily rely on cooking to fuel myself.  I do have things frozen for especially this situation, but I'm a little fixated now on planning food for the long ski trip day that starts earlier than I get up usually.  Maybe I'll heat a burrito when going out the door and eat that on the bus, take a sandwich and some energy balls (cocoa, nuts, oats, dates, etc.) and a cut up apple and carrot.  Maybe I'll treat myself to some trail mix - i could just make my own but I kinda want m&ms in it.  The problem with that is that I'll eat the candy before the real food; that needs to be an afternoon snack when I'm lagging but I'm not wholly certain how my will power will be in the cold exertion.  I'm even thinking of taking a little soup thermos I have with a minestrone, and maybe a coffee mug with hot chocolate.  My plan is getting really fancy but there's no lodge to warm up in.  It's just an 11 hour trip, and I don't have to take so much food even though the trip list says to bring a lot of food, but I want to make healthy choices and I really hate things like power bars - always have.  I don't know if there will be some vending machine or other ways to make bad choices, but I don't want to fall for them and feel shitty.  Not that hot chocolate is especially healthy, but I make it with a good cacao and vanilla and very little sugar, so it's way better than fucking Swiss Miss, and it will be so nice to sip on when cold - I have a very small Zojirushi thermos that I take to work with green tea some days - it was really hard to find such a small one when everyone in America seems to be carrying gallon jugs of beverages - and I really like it and it keeps things SUPER hot.  I just am going to feel really stupid carrying multiple thermoses and such, and I don't want to get up at 4 am to prepare all these things.  Anyway, we'll see what logistics are discussed at the pre-trip.  

For now, I need to finish my coffee and then in a bit have some green tea because that sounds good now that I mention it.   

So so grateful this is a three-day weekend.  Will be even more grateful when I can retire and not deal with this shit like at all.  After hauling dirt and errands today, I want to clean and cook.  I want to curl up with the quilt for a few more lines and read.  Work has been so demanding I haven't been able to do any of those things all week.  I'm just a puddle of exasperated exhaustion practicing bedtime revenge procrastination.  The good news is that I've been sleeping well, no problems there.  I just don't want to go to sleep because I resent having to get up the next day and work.  

Haven't gotten my W2 or bank 1099 yet but ran draft taxes last night based on last paycheck information and it looks like I have a healthy refund coming my way.  Once my mortgage is paid off and I no longer itemize that will change, but hopefully I won't be taxed so heavily then (because I won't be working in my current job).  Glad I got the heat pump water heater in under the wire regarding energy efficiency encouragement with taxes; that gets me $917 back.  If I'd known what would happen with those tax credits I might have done more while I could, but oh well.  I've done quite a lot to make my house more energy efficient.  I had to find information on the hot water heater for taxes and I pulled the manual and looks like this summer I'm going to learn how to maintain a hot water heater, which I've frankly never done before.  Like at all, except relighting pilot light.  I've never drained one before or checked the anodes, and I'm a little daunted by the owner manual instructions but I think I can do it myself and not have to pay for annual maintenance.  Maybe in like July or August when the ground is dry and those 50 gallons can go to irrigation.  After I've finished all the cleaning to the outside of the house.  I need to clean not just the windows but all the siding and trim, and the screens, and I'm pretty certain when I pull the screens that some will break and I'll have to rebuild/replace at least some.  There's already a broken one facing the street that i need to deal with.  Anyway, the cleaning+ and fixing the bricks of my front porch is one of my bigger projects for the late spring/early summer (before it's too fucking hot).  

OK, the thermometer says it's reached 40 degrees in my backyard so probably time to move outside.   

dilation and a salad

 I went to the optometrist today and ordered new glasses.  My insurance is very good and I will miss it sorely.  I was trying to not actually get glasses every year (which is covered, though with copayment), but right at about a year mark, my eyes are just always struggling with close-up.  

The place I go is often staffed by young new doctors, their first job from school.  I liked the one today, very friendly and bubbly and educational.  It was still definitely a rushed appointment as they always are there, as it's a place run on volume, but she answered my questions.  The staff person who took me back and asked questions was extremely fast talking, too fast.  It stressed me out.  I can talk very fast, but now it annoys me too and I finally understand why other people were so annoyed with it when I was younger.  

So to reward myself, instead of coming home to cook, I went out to dinner.  I wanted the bowl that is salad, rice, falafel, and I also treated myself with a small order of Greek fries (with feta and tzatziki).  Definitely the healthiest, with all the frying, but also definitely not the worst, and I'm marking down a lot of plant foods to start my counting week.  Lettuce is not something I eat all the time, but I wanted it for sure, and I got the plant point.  The place where I go is over by the optometrist's office sort of (vicinity generally).  

Here are my plant points for today:

Points: Cashews,  Coffee, Garbanzos, Lentils (brown), Lettuce,  Olive oil & olive,  Onion, Orange, potatoes, rice, walnuts, wheat

1/4 points:   Flax,  Garlic, paprika smoked, parsley, pepper black

Sometimes these are listed without being a full serving, like the walnuts are a full cup in the whole lentil loaf.  But I list them because I eat them more than once, so they add up.  

So that was the excitement of my day, because work is blah, of course.  I did accidentally find a financial advisor (posting information on-line) that I might reach out to even though he's not local.  I do think that maybe somebody with more skill and training in this area could help me reach my goals even faster.  Maybe.  I'm pretty goal-oriented and research.  I don't think I'm making really bad decisions around money, even though it took me a long time to get here.  I've always been pretty frugal but I did make some really big ticket choices (like grad school).  

Oh, I didn't post my excitement from yesterday: black barley.  I found black barley at the store and it has me very intrigued.  I really like barley and this is gorgeous and nutritious.  I may have found a super food for myself.  I don't love rice, and most other grains seem weird to me in place of rice.  But this may be it.