Sunday

 Dog walk completed.  Now have a red lentil "biscuit" toasting for breakfast as I continue into the day's plans.  I definitely want to make borscht and a simple salad, and if I'm feeling motivated the millet-berry dessert I like so much as I do have eggs I can use for that.  It makes a 9x13 pan and I freeze most of it and enjoy eating it with yogurt.  I sometimes put a little sugar in, but the sweet is mostly just from berries and milk.  Yes, milk tastes sweet to me.  Maybe I'll prep it today (cook the millet, mix in eggs, put in pan with berries, etc. on top) and then put the pan in the fridge to bake tomorrow.  I wonder if that time of thawing the frozen berries would be helpful.  

Today was day 1 with using milk instead of half and half in my coffee, and I'm not a big fan of the strong milk flavor so I'll cut it back more.   I usually like a flat white though lattes are too milky (and do not care for cappuccinos - too much foam), I will refine my techniques.  Can also depend on quality of milk.  I'd like to find a plant-based alternative to half and half, but they're all so chemical-laden and hyperprocessed.  Yuck.  

**

Did most of the to-do list today, likely because I kept the goals easy.  I need to find better green salad ideas.  

A coworker gifted me some turmeric tea and I'm finally drinking it for the first time tonight and I just realized my joints hurt a bit less.  I do not care for the taste of turmeric, but if it works its anti-inflammatory magic, then I will choke it down.  

I just started The Colony by Annika Norlin, and it starts with a young woman going into nature seeking to recover from massive burnout - and oh, how I can relate to that burnout.  I spend every Saturday just trying to calm from the week, and Sunday starting to feel human again - but then the brutal grind just starts again.  I so cannot wait to retire and reset my nervous system for real.  This work is so stressful.   

In it again with the boss and even her leadership.  I volunteered to pilot a tool, quickly discovered it was bullshit and abandoned it and am providing detailed written feedback.  Where they want to draw lines in the sand is that they say I agreed to use the tool for 12 weeks (I certainly did not) and that I am required to do multiple choice surveys (I did the first one, it was total bullshit, not wasting my time on the second), and that I need to respond more urgently to people about it.  Dude, THIS IS NOT URGENT.  My actual work?  It's urgent.  I drop everything for everyone that is actually for my work, and sometimes they appreciate me.  I am so responsive and on top of everything.  But some tool that is a failure?  Not urgent.  And if you put a red exclamation mark on the email, it goes into my non-urgent folder, and I'll probably never respond to you.  And so my boss is trying to scold me for not being responsive in an urgent way to a pain in the ass person across the state whom I actually cannot stand because she was incredibly rude.  And I provided a draft of my feedback to my boss and our office manager, and they're trying to convince me to be more solutions-minded.  Dude, the tool sucks.  Failure.  Stop demand that I spend my bandwidth tinkering with shit.  

I'm no longer volunteering for anything.  I'll volunteer to cover for colleagues who cover for me, but that's it.  my boss asked us all to volunteer to do a training and I just didn't respond.  Of course I can do a training with my eyes closed on a moment's notice, but she's coming to us pretty last minute because she sat on it too long.  So, fuck that.  Plus, all my team is out of the office that day and I want to enjoy myself without their persistent emails.   

 

farmers market haul

 It was a pretty successful day for me at the farmers market and I walked away with ingredients for numerous meals.  Baby bok choy that I'll eat with baked tofu.  Beets and cabbage and dill that I'll add potatoes to for borscht.  Kale that I'll make soup with white beans and chicken meatballs in my freezer.  Snow peas for snacking (the woman and child in front of me said they were so good, they had been getting large bags for weeks, and they were not exaggerating).  Leeks that I'm not sure about yet.  Salad mix and carrots that I'll probably eat together.  What did I forget?  Plenty of goodness.  I'll make bok choy and tofu another day, they should be easy.  I've usually cooked bok choy on the stovetop but I will try roasting it.  The farmstand guy where I got hte baby bok choy saw my helmet and asked if I'd biked to the market yesterday and I said of course and he gave me a discount on the green onions.  He's a nice guy, I like him, he's always good with answering questions.  

What else to do today?  Laundry, vacuuming, hot compress on eyes to help with the blocked oil glands, shower.  Anything else will be lagniappe.  it's ok to have rest days, i don't always have to be busy.  

off the wagon

 I fell off the diet wagon hard.  Thursday I was so hungry and Friend I went out for dinner, and I got 6 oz burger with feta, fries, and a salad (which was too large so I took half home).  Then I had some ice cream.  Then yesterday, all I wanted to eat was tuna and cheese and crackers, so I did.  And the salad.  And peanut butter toast.  

And I'm sure that the scale this week will say that I gained a ton of weight, because I have to eat so strictly to not gain.  And that really bums me out because I should be able to sometimes eat things other than vegetables and legumes, and I know it's not sustainable for me to believe I'll eat "clean" all the time.  

I'm also not done with being off the wagon because I'm headed shortly to bike to the farmers market and I intend to get a cardamom bun while there.  But mostly, I'm headed there to return the library book I just finished that was due yesterday (Endling which I mostly liked, especially about better understanding Ukrainians upon Russian invasion) and to grab heaps of vegetables.  I'll get back on the "clean" eating wagon, I just needed some time off of it because I was feeling so ravenously hungry.  

One other thing I will try is to stop putting half and half in my coffee, replacing it with 2% milk.  We'll see how it goes.  When I was 20 years old and living in Germany, I started drinking very dark coffee and it would just spike my nervous system hard, but I learned if I drank it with cream or milk that it evened out the spikes - plus it tastes even better with that fat enhancing the flavor.  I love good dark coffee.  But, I'll focus on cutting back the calories and fats at least for awhile.  

Signs of aging are hitting hard.  It just feels like my feet and hands have no cushion, they're just so bony which hurts.  And now my skin is getting so thin that I keep getting bleeding scrapes.  I'm healing fine, it's just that the skin isn't so protective anymore, which is annoying.  

It's supposed to be nice today, hopefully not too sunny, in the mid 60s.  I hope to feel motivated to do some yardwork (plant starts, move mulch - it's nearly done, maybe flip compost, maybe weed the curb strip and front yard).  I may go buy some more plant starts, though that can wait another week or two.  Maybe I'll feel inspired to wash my car and/or truck.  I'm hoping the farmers market has inspiring produce and I'll make tasty plans with those things.  I want to read, clean, do the things.  I currently have four books checked out from the library, one to return now so three to read, and I'm #1 on the waitlist for another (Samin Nosrat's latest).  I have three other books on hold request status, further down the queue.  It's been really nice this hold request system - at the end of last year I went through all the "best of" lists and asked friends for recommendations and then put in a ton of requests that I've read through as they become available.  I love my library so much, and yes I'll be voting yes to increasing my property taxes to continue to support it.  I also have another list of books I want to read that don't need hold requests, which I can turn to next, and just go get them off the shelf; also a list of authors I want to read more work from.  I also have about 50 books on my shelves to read (mostly nonfiction).  So yeah, I have plenty of reading material.  I've so far read 12 books this year, which is three a month, which I am pleased with.  It's such a relief to want to read again after too many years of being so averse to it, and it's so fantastic to have a library so accessible to me so long as I'm willing to bike or walk (I refuse to pay for parking).  If I stay here after I quit my job, I intend to volunteer with shelf reading at the library, and I'll do even more reading.  Probably a lot more.  

I've been watching more retirement videos, reading more books, and I'm feeling fairly confident about my strategies and being able to retire in two to three years.  Obviously things can change but it's really comforting to see the exit ramp to the rat race.  

OK, I need to get going before the market gets too busy.  I may already be too late.  Last week was pretty awful for me, very packed, so many people.  I got overwhelmed and fled before getting what I wanted.   

OK, it's going to be a good weekend, restorative.  Nothing big planned, just a gentle movement through activities and chores.   

backyard scenes: fungus and a vulture

 After work yesterday I patrolled the yard, following my dog's footsteps as patrolling the yard is one of her very favorite things to do.  She sniffs so much, knowing of a world of which I have no idea.  We both felt the creepy vibe of the very still air.  I landed on the ash tree that makes such a mess and causes so many sprouts I have to manage, and I went to grab tools to start taking it down, branch by branch.  

As I did, I noticed the dog was eating something.  I never did get to see what it was, but it was large and it looked very much like the top of a very large mushroom, which seemed likely because my yard is currently covered in a great deal of large mushrooms.  She would not drop it, not even for promise of a trade which usually works, and I had to watch in horror as she ate what was surely going to destroy her liver or otherwise kill her.  

And then a bird swooped in and landed on the pole that overlooks the yard, and I thought at first "what a huge crow!"  But no, it was a vulture.  And the vulture sat on the pole and watched my dog eat something likely toxic. I thought of taking her to the emergency vet but remembered my vow to not do that anymore because she hates vets so much and she's already lived a good long life.  My ardent hope is that someday she passes peacefully in her sleep, but she'll likely go out in a blaze of glory.  Vultures will not be picking her bones though - even though I would quite like that for myself, I don't think I'd be able to handle that with my dog, especially because there are so many fucking rats here (my neighbors are very cavalier about food, chicken feed, compost, etc. etc.).  

Well it's been 12 hours and she seems ok.  Time will tell.  

Just so bizarre. 

It's supposed to rain the next few days, but when it lets up I want to use my chainsaw for the first time to start on the bigger branches of the ash tree.  I'm feeling very lumberjack.  I think that my trick is to be outside early or late in the day; it's not been hot, but the sun's UV midday is energysucking for me. 

I'm hopeful that the rest of this week will be low-stress.  I'm sure that's a fruitless hope but I still hold it.  I want to take an actual lunchbreak to cook lentils and potatoes, maybe pick up my garage (not that it's messy but a few things can be put away, and it needs a good sweep.  Maybe take off early and do more yardwork.  I have to lean into the days when I feel ok.   

running to catch up

 The latest episode of The Rooster has the character played by John McGinley explaining how things have changed.  This is academia, a world trying to leave him behind, and he runs fast as he can to catch up.

Don't many of us feel that way?  

I'm baffled by how people get offended by things that seem so mild, how we're expected to be gentle all the time.  Of course I'm not baffled about not being mean or cruel, which I'm not.  But this is much further, making things all about feelings and not content.  I push back because what that means is that all the responsibility for work falls on me and not others.  

It was poignantly described, how it feels, the world turning.  I'm not even 60 yet but I find myself disoriented sometimes.  And I don't usually kvetch about "kids these days" - I often quite like people from the younger generations.  But also ... show up.  Do the work.  Take responsibility.  

I'm glad that a lot of the sexually abusive dynamics are different ... at least sometimes, somewhere, maybe.  Obviously the people actually in charge continue on with business as usual, and we suckers are trying to do better.  

Ugh, I'm super pissed off about the horrific state of affairs with my government right now.  \

So I'm taking down an ash tree that makes a ton of litter that sprouts and makes me crazy, and it seems to harbor a gazillion ants.  There are SO many ants in my yard, it's remarkable.  And annoying as fuck when they farm their aphids and make my plum trees not produce at all.  I don't like taking down trees, it makes me sad, but that's the state I'm in.  I just went at it with hand tools for now, filling the green bin.  I'll go out with my electric chainsaw.  It's tall, probably 20 feet, so I'm not sure how I'm going to do it, but I do think bit by bit, with the larger pieces cut for firewood.  Sorry, tree.  I am truly sorry.  Oh, and the other issue is that we're getting hit with a disease that kills ash trees, so I'd rather take it down now, since it's so annoying and likely to die, and put in something I'll like.  I may miss the shade but I'll survive.  

I'm very very frustrated with the state of healthcare here, and I'm rankled about the idea of paying $2,300 per year for "concierge medicine" ON TOP OF the $1,200 per month that my employer pays for my health insurance.  How is this possible?  

I didn't sleep well last night.  I think I was too cold.  Time to put the comforter back on the bed, I guess.  So now it's approaching 9:30 and yes, I should go to bed.  I have a book I'm reading.  Go, go go.  But, the revenge bedtime procrastination has such a siren's call.  

No, I won't fall for it.  Just need to get up, put my teacup in the dishwasher and start it, fill the kettle for coffee, brush teeth, go to bed.  

Sleep is critical and I keep falling short.   

grits & greens = polenta & fava leaves

 I can make some mean grits & greens, but today's iteration is polenta instead of grits (still super fucking tasty cooked in a good stock, with a little milk/butter/cheese added - and I do mean a little) and most of the greens are fava shoots because the frozen turnip greens were insufficient and the ones I thought I could harvest have all bolted and are really bitter.  Once I add the ACV, heaps of black pepper, and a little hot sauce, it'll be as good as ever.  

The favas are lovely - a bee was trying to pollinate where I was trying to pick, and that's a turf spat I'll take any day.  Yay, bees.  The flowers are fully out, and I'm trying to remember how long it takes for the pods next because I might hold onto them.  I was going to cut them all down and just enjoy them as a green manure, then put the tomatoes and peppers in that row, but I'm feeling more committed to the favas now and I can find another row for tomatoes and peppers (especially since I think I'll grow only two tomatoes - a Cherokee purple and a San Marzano).  Good canned and fresh tomatoes are not hard to source and I really don't much enjoy growing them - I'm soooo allergic to the plants, and they seem to want a lot of water.  Maybe I just grow too much and it overwhelms, so I'll try this reduced number of plants and see.  

Definitely need to grow a lot of greens - those I want to eat a lot of - and I should just be able to direct seed.  Plus I got some perennial collards and sorrel that I need to get planted.  

Also I could have added the Italian seasoned seitan to this dish, or some baked tofu, but maybe for leftovers or something.  Yes, I know I don't eat a lot of protein. Oh well. There were lentils for lunch, I'm good. 

 

 

cleaning routines

 Throughout my adult life, I have very rarely stayed in one place long enough to think about regular deep cleaning routines.  I always very thoroughly deep clean before I move in, and by the time I need to move the oven to clean behind it, it's time to sell the house and move on.  Other tasks pop up organically - oh, I notice there's some dust on the window sills, I'll clean those and go for the ceiling fans; look, the refrigerator shelves aren't pristine, let's just clean those and wash the drawers too, and then I'll run into the freezer. 

But this house is expected to be home for at least three more years, which means there are some more cleaning chores that should probably be systematized rather than just as I see/think about it.  I'm sure I have blind spots and that helps avoid that (like the bathroom fan that's only been installed for a year but already had a heavy layer of dust from being run hours per day).  

but also, do I really want another fucking list of things to do?  I already feel overwhelmed.  But I think I do at least so I can track that things are getting done and when.  For example, I thought I hadn't cleaned my dishwasher filter in months, but when I pulled the box for the cleaning tab it had been only 2.5 weeks before.  So, a list is also a way of giving myself credit.  And not being overwhelmed.  Yes, I see there's some frost on my freezer, rather than thinking "oh, I need to take care of that" every time I open it, I'll put it on the annual list to be tackled as I check through the list.  My windows are dirty and that's also on the annual list, to tackle soon.  Cleaned the coffee grinder yesterday and yes, the coffee does taste better today.  Now that I have my new vacuum, I'll clean the heating/AC filters, a monthly chore to keep that running well.  Doesn't take long, and there's usually not much dust to vacuum (between running air purifier and not running the heat/AC much), but whatever keeps the system functioning well and contributes to clean air is worth it.  

also, I can make notes to myself like for the rug cleaning, that I must rinse with water afterwards because the cleaning solution smells horrible and will make me sick for days.   

So, we'll see how this system works for me.  I definitely like a clean house.  

Haven't yet weighed myself for the week, will do soon.  I'm trying to cut back on eating.  Yesterday when I baked sourdough it turned out GREAT, and after having two slices I put the rest in the freezer to stop myself from eating more.  Being sure to use less oil, focus on the vegetables, that kind of thing.  Doesn't seem to be making a difference which isn't surprising.  I'm just really stuck at this weight even though I'd like to lose another 30 pounds and keep it off.  I'll keep working on it without obsessing about it.

The other thing I really need to work on is sleep.  My revenge bedtime procrastination is really problematic.  I know that it will sort itself out when I retire, but I will make myself really sick if I keep depriving myself of sleep.  

Oof, ok, weigh in, not good, up 1.4 pounds.  Ugh.  This is so annoying.   

basketry and death and life

 This NPR article this morning about friends weaving a willow casket caught my attention.  

Our death rituals in the United States are often sorely lacking.  I think often of my own death.  Since my godsons were little, I've told them how important it is for me to not be formaldehyded up.  We've made joking plans of stealing my corpse to drop in the forest to let it naturally decompose.  I very very much want to become compost, and not the ultraprocessed type.  That has always been my wish.  Yes, I/m aware that when I'm dead I will not care, but I like the plan.  It's the only postmortem wish I really care about.  Now my assets are more sizable and I should think about developing a more complex will with donations to charities and such, and take other such steps, but I'm just a simple person who wants to decay into the ground.  Dust to dust. 

Back to the article: using willow to construct a casket tray lined with unbleached muslin.  I'M IN. I look up the weaver back east and she's like, look, if you're near me cool come on over, but mostly I want y'all to learn it yourself and we're not shipping distances.  Fair.  I agree.  I also try very hard to limit my transportation carbon footprint.  (I'll be biking to the farmers market this morning for locally produced produce, after all.  These things matter to me.)  

So I keep looking and I'm not seeing a local producer of willow caskets, but there's a woman who teaches willow basketry locally.  Willows grow well here, and though I wouldn't want to make my property all willow to grow it myself, I just found a farm that sells it for basketry and fencing that's located half an hour away (near my favorite bakery).  A permaculture acquaintance teaches a course on making willow fencing, a material she loves (and her enthusiasm for plant material is always contagious - I learn a ton from her).  A friend's husband works in the funeral industry.  What if this were something that I were to do after retirement?  

Obviously I'm not jumping into this now - I'm way too busy now.  But that I could very quickly pull together a plan is exciting.  And while the arthritis in my hands make fine tasks difficult now, these larger tasks are easier, especially because I would be on the computer waaaaay less after retirement.  I know how hard 10 hours a day on the laptop is on my hands, I can feel it.   I'm not a basket wizard, but I've weaved a few in my life.  Learned when I was a child, then learned a few other specifics like spruce root (which is more fine work).  I like to make things but I don't like to keep them generally.  Too much clutter and baggage.  So to make for sale to support my values?  That sounds fantastic.  

I'm pretty certain that once the demands of this job go away that I will suddenly have bandwidth to do something creative, such as all the steps to construct willow caskets.  In addition to spare bedrooms and a large living room, I have garage space and a covered patio.  I could even build a workshop building that could be converted to a rental property.  

It's just exciting - really exciting - to think about life after job.  So many things I can do, and I really do not want to wait too long.  

So, I'm wrapping up coffee and after I shape the sourdough loaves I will get dressed, bike over to the library for a new book, the grocery store for polenta, the farmers market for whatever is going on today.  I saw great starts there last time, including for poblanos and jalapenos, both of which I eat a lot of (pickled jalapenos are a fave) and would like to grow (though I do not care for bell peppers), and my starts are nonstarting.  Probably tomatoes too.  Our growing season is short - it's still frosting and freezing at night - but I feel like I should be able to direct seed brassicas and alliums even though common knowledge here is that starts are needed.  Guess we'll see.  I need to pull some ivy and grass and other weeds from along the fenceline, move some mulch.  Maybe wash the car?  Or the truck?  Laundry, cleaning, all the things.  Plan food for the week - hopefully the market will provide motivation.  

 **

Well, I was too focused on plant starts to buy food at the market, and it was SO CROWDED.  Unpleasantly so.  I accidentally got a Bulgarian carrot pepper instead of a milder pepper I thought I was grabbing, so I have to decide if I want to wrestle back through the crowds to remedy that, or figure out some use for a hotter pepper and take the $3.50 hit.  Next week I'll need to get there earlier for food.  The lines were so long and every walking space packed with people, and there was some woman shouting with a loudspeaker in Korean about a missile going to hit South KOrea soon (she occasionally interspersed some English).  Wild and crazy day, very glad to be home for the rest of it.  It's ok re: no produce - I still have greens in freezer and outside, and squash in the freezer, plus plenty of canned and dried fruit.  And I can stop at the store tomorrow once I figure out what else I want to make this week.  Or, if I want to eat through what's in the freezer.  Things I need to use up: seitan, fresh herbs (mint, chives, parsley), one celery stalk.  

Some digging around and I see even more places and activities I'd like to get involved with someday.  Yay.  Just gotta get to retirement.  Or maybe when dog dies if that's sooner, though I'm just so whooped by my job that finding energy for more activities is tough.  

 

new vacuum

OK, I'm not sure that my new $999 (which I am paying more like $250 for) vacuum is actually worth it, BUT it does seem cleaner in my house after using it, including the air quality, so I'll take it.  Yay for me.  

I have a crush.  It's the first crush I've had in ages, and I haven't even met the man yet in person.  I will meet him in person in two months, though we won't be like socializing or anything, all work, only very brief interaction.  It's just kind of exciting to have a crush after so long.  It's his kindness.  He was extraordinarily kind in a difficult situation when he thought no one was watching, but I saw it.  Not nicey-nice, but kind.  The first time I tried to talk on the phone to him he was super curt, but we tried again today and we kind of vibed a little.  It was a short conversation, which I rushed through, followed up by an email.  Nothing flirty at all.  But just ... I don't know, I like him.  I believe I've pieced together that he's recently divorced, she kept the house and just went public with a new relationship, he's renting (yes, I know how to read public access assessors records and google stalk).  I'm sure nothing will come of this, but I am definitely going to try to look my best on that day in two months.  I'll shine my shoes, wear the jacket I like.  Hm, could I use this as motivation to get in better shape for the next two months?  Start lifting weights, reducing food intake?  

Anyway.  Something to entertain me.  

It's Friday, yay.  Just wrapped up my workday.  Have some leftovers for dinner.  I feel ok, and I think I should leverage that - either cleaning my house or doing some Costco type errands once rush hour traffic is done.  Oh, and I started sourdough, need to do those stretch & folds tonight for a bake tomorrow.  Need to finish a book, return it, pick up a new one.  Hit the farmers market tomorrow, do some gardening.  It should be a pretty chill weekend, yay for me.  

*

OK, did the errands and was very short on the impulse purchases that I was going to indulge in.  Costco impulse?  Oranges.  Discount supermarket impulse? herbal tea and grits.  OK, that wasn't impulse, I'd been planning to buy tea sometime and have been looking for grits for ages.  Here, they call things "polenta grits" and that just fills me with rage.  THEY. ARE. NOT. THE. SAME. THING.  Different processing, even different types of corn! (flint vs. dent)  Anyway, this was the first grits I've ever seen here, and they are quick, which is ok (instant is not), but then I saw it says from bioengineered food, and that freaks me out.  But I'll still probably make the grits and greens I've been craving for awhile.  Need to use up the last of the turnip greens.  It's so good, haven't made it in years.  Maybe I'll bake some tofu to eat along with it, for some protein.  Oh damn, I forgot to get tofu at Costco. Oh well.  

Thinking more about this, and I probably don't actually need real grits.  Why wouldn't polenta work to eat with greens?  No reason.  It's not the same, but it's ok.   Better than bioengineered food.  

A colleague recommended a PCP I may try.  I had found him when searching, but he's moved to concierge type medicine.  I have very good health insurance and I hate the idea of "concierge medicine" but the colleague says it's the best $1400/year she spends, and she still submits receipts to insurance for reimbursement.  He's very experienced, integrative model, even an acupuncturist.  And it's not as close as the place I have been going, but it's still bicyleable when I'm feeling spry.  So, I emailed.  We'll see what happens.  Obviously if a doctor can actually help me feel better it's worth more than $150/month to me.  That's just a lot of money for something I feel frankly entitled to because of my very good insurance.  It's just a really dire situation here, with doctors not staying, and so many going to concierge models.  I've gotten super shitty medical treatment here and I see no improvement if I stay where I am.  Plus, I've thought about concierge healthcare for when I retire early - get a high deductible insurance plan in case of emergency, and just pay out of pocket otherwise.  Anyway, she loves him, and she knows this sort of thing.  She's funny - we talk A LOT and we just got through a sticky situation and we were texting constantly.  She's a huge source of information for me, but even she admits that she's only accurate about 60% of the time.  She talks story, a lot.  It's fine, I don't need everyone to be accurate, I know how to vet information.  She's also the only person I told about my crush, saying she might see me fan girl at this work thing, and she thought that was the most hilarious thing she'd ever heard.  But she agreed about his kindness.  

I would love to see an acupuncturist for my thumb and some other things; I just haven't had the wherewithal to find someone on top of all the other shit.   

Sunday afternoon

 Sunday afternoon and I'm cooking a not cheap cabbage salad because it's tasty AF and fancy.  the cabbage was like $5.50 this morning, and I threw in dates and nuts (which I bought special) and herbs (also bought special).  Farro instead of quinoa, because I plan to make a quinoa with cucumber dish later this week, and I don't care for quinoa that much.  I'll use the rest of the herbs and nuts and such in other things, but I spent about $18 to stock up for it.  Definitely not budget food.  Cabbage is just out of the oven and I've got everything else ready to mix up, looking forward to it.  

The dog was so funny earlier.  I was looking out my bedroom window admiring all the birds - there was a hummingbird flitting about, and some other birds I don't know, I want to call them tanagers but I don't know if that's right.  Red heads.  They peck around a lot along with a bunch of other birds, but these guys were like pulling out my pea plants they were so going to town, so I knocked on my window to startle them.  But knocking on the window is what I do to tell the dog to stop barking and come inside, so she obediently came and stood in the doorway and looked at me so patiently.  "Um, hello?  I'm here.  Still here.  I'm not out there.  Are you ok?"  She is at her funniest when she thinks I'm feeble (mentally or physically) because she tries so hard to help. 

I also spent a big chunk of today looking into Portuguese, and I'm delighted that it's different but makes sense to me.  I'll never have a good accent, but syntactically I could probably do ok.  I watched an hour breakdown of basic grammar and it all made sense, and I've now learned how to order tasty foods and drinks.  I've learned other romance languages, Germanic, Slavic, so have basic structures for understnading.  All that didn't help when I tried to learn Arabic though.  Oof, that was a fail.  I really didn't like the teacher, either, though I liked the school a lot.  I was recruited to teach there but decided to move along.  Fez has many wondrous things about it, but the street harassment is awful.  

Anyway, I have no idea if I actually will go to Portugal, but it wasn't an awful way to pass some time, to learn a bit.  I may keep playing with it.  I can feel an unused part of my brain grinding into gear.  

Interesting podcast from BBC about side effects of medication (dopamine agonists) causing lack of impulse control and drastic personality changes including hypersexuality and gambling addiction.  This is different, but I will never forget how an antibiotic made me suicidal.  

I am not anti-medication as a general rule - I absolutely do not judge other people for taking them.  Everyone is different.  But me?  Medications often fuck me up and I practice such caution in their use.  

the worst of times

 Our political situation is horrific, with the most evil people doing the most nefarious acts.  I feel overwhelmed and lost in this current state of affairs. 

Started looking again into moving abroad.  Portugal issues a D7 visa with passive income above about $1,000.  Learned that I could potentially take my pension early - it would reduce by about 35%, but how long am I going to live to be able to calculate the breakeven point?  That's the question.  Though, it's also a more complicated calculation than just that - if receiving the pension, it would increase with COLAs to a max of 2% per year, and if receiving that pension amount then I'm not needing to take from the 401k funds, and they could continue to earn (with the market assumptions).  That pushes the break even point to even later, though I don't trust the market.  

I've not ever been to Portugal, but it's intriguing as a retirement destination for a few reasons, including quality of life (leisurely pace which I miss, healthy foods, safety), and the D7 visa which can allow for citizenship after five years.  Having another passport seems like a good idea and I don't know another feasible way for that (besides marriage which I'm not interested in).  Having an EU passport would open a lot of possibilities.  Though maybe those possibilities are less important when nearing end of life than when I was younger.  

Last year I got a subscription to Wired magazine - it was touted as providing cutting-edge journalism.  I had to unsubscribe because the news is horrifying.  The vast majority of us are living in little bubbles while all of our society's foundations are being sold for parts.  I finally finished reading the last magazines, and it's all so troubling.  I don't see how we can possibly recover.  

I want to live in a healthy place - clean air, fresh food, safe, movement-encouraging, community connections - and I'm willing to learn a new language and uproot my life to do that.  I also don't want to delay it too much - I ran number again with retirement in two years and two days, which is the absolute soonest.  

I'm just so certain that if I quit this job that my health will improve ... what if I'm wrong?  I can't know until I try.  

Also, I cannot consider leaving until there is no more dog, and she just came prancing out to remind me that she is very much alive and has no intention of getting old and dying.  While I'm in no hurry for her to die as it will be devastating, my hope is that it's peaceful with no painful decline.  May she pass gently in her sleep and avoid me the wrenching decision to have a stranger stick a needle in her.  She's been such a good dog in so many ways.  She's cuddled up to me right now and with the back pain she's been trying to escort me around the house, as though she can help her feeble person.

The back is somewhat better.  Making the decision shortly if we'll go out for a walk.  

I turned my heat off a week or so ago and am enjoying the insulation I sprung for in the attic before I stopped spending money and the tax refunds for energy efficiency went away.  It's been getting to the 40s or below at night, and it's staying a comfortable temperature for me.  We've got some highs of 50s ahead so I may turn it on again for a last hurrah before the temperature turns towards summer, but I'm appreciating this.  One thing I found in searching about Portugal is a collective of women using natural building techniques, which looks really cool.  I'm intrigued with working better with the climate and my building.  LIke, this house - I have no southern windows to put plant starts, and it's oriented to the west and summer afternoons are blazing hot.  I was toying yesterday with, wouldn't it be cool to take out that big dining room window and replace it with doors to a little patio in the back that links with the concrete slab patio, to just open up the living space to outdoors more easily rather than having to out through the utility room.  But that's just pure luxury, not something I really need to drop $20K on, a whim of fun.  

Scale says I'm down 2.8 pounds from last week which is in the right direction though is still high.  I've been feeling that my gut is sticky, things aren't processing at the usual speed, everything is slowed down.  I eat a significant amount of fiber but there are different types and perhaps I need to focus on the type that moves things along more.  

So, the dog promises that she will behave on a walk, and while I know that she is a total little liar, I think we'll go.  Then we'll stop at the store for cucumbers and red cabbage, to cook for the week.

To be fair, she's only a liar with me when it involves staying with a promise.  If it's immediate, such as making a trade, she doesn't try to trick me.  The other night we had a sweet deal making - she kept going out to bark and it was so annoying.  When she indicated she needed to go out again, I told her no barking, and she gave me her word which was marked with a high five - something she usually does not like to do, but cheerfully did, like a handshake to make a promise of a deal.  And she didn't bark at all, just did rounds and her business and then trotted back inside and looked to me like, see, I am an honest hound, why would you ever think otherwise?  Oh, I will miss her when she's gone, this vibrant bundle of chaos.  

OK, moving towards a walk now.   

fry-free

 I'm not a big fan of frying.  I never deep fry, and if I can bake instead of fry, then that's always my go-to, even though pan fried is usually better texture. 

Why?  Smell and mess.  There is something about the smell of fried foods which quickly turns rancid to me, and I don't like it at all.  And no matter how clean I try to keep my kitchen, the oil lands beyond where I see.  The cabinet closest to the oven has a layer of grease on the crease that's not easily just wiping off.  

Maybe I need a wok and bigger fry pan.  Probably.  Like, I just sauteed a sofrito to go into the beans, and that's a much better taste than just throwing in the onions and peppers.  So, I'll fry sometimes, but things like tofu?  Baked is fine, thanks.  I would never fry chicken, for example; I don't even really care to eat it.  Greasy mess.  

Maybe sautee with stock instead of oil?   

Things to learn.   

flesh is weak

 Well, I had glorious plans for today - making groceries, hauling compost.  I was going to power through the rain and be fine.

HOwever, my strained back has different plans.  I'm woozy and lightheaded from the pain, and I can barely drive or make a shopping decision that deviates from the plan.  (No red cabbage at the farmers market totally spun me out despite many other things I wanted to buy, but didn't want to carry.)

So, a much quieter weekend lies ahead of me.  Just doing the bare minimum.   

The one thing I can rally for though is pulling bindweed.  Already pulled up six sprouts today.  Fucking bindweed.  I will find you, I will destroy you.   

typical American food

 I went to a seminar today, lunch included.  I should have known not to eat the lunch, but I was hungry.

What was in the lunchbox?  White bread with a ton of mayonnaise, a little deli turkey meat, a slice of tomato; a bag of Doritos, an apple, a cookie.  The cookie tasted awful and I really shouldn't have eaten it, but I was angry and hungry.  Of course I immediately felt awful, so then I drank a diet soda, and now I feel really awful.  

All that ultraprocessed food was totally disgusting, and it could have easily been better.  Put it on a whole grain bread, mayo on the side (I'd never choose it), let me choose mustard instead.  Maybe a bag of carrots or some other vegetable.  And an actual good cookie, not whatever the hell that was. 

I'm angry at myself for consuming those calories.  So. Bad.  

Yes, I'm fully aware that I'm a food snob, but it's more than that.  I could have eaten eight of those boxes and still not felt satiated, like whole foods make me feel.  Hours later, I'm still trying to equalize my blood sugar.

Had lentil shepherds pie for dinner, SO MUCH BETTER.  

It reminds me when I was a teenager in the midwest visiting family.  I'd been off somewhere else and came back to my aunt's house with a similar spread for sandwiches.  And I was not at my best, I was really bratty, but I was so hungry and there was just like white bread and mayonnaise and chips, it seemed like.  I remember my mother saying, "What do you want?" and whining, "Real food."  Which again, I know I was awful, but I was so hungry and my blood sugar was all over the place from eating that shit.  

I"ve always eaten healthy-ish because it makes me feel better, and I grew up with whole wheat bread and brown rice so that tastes normal to me.  

So here I am again, living this, and clearly I need to just start packing my own lunch no matter what.  Though, there is a salad place near my office I just discovered that may be promising - they have salads with tempeh, that sort of thing.  

I'm trying to watch JOhn Oliver but I'm stuck at the segment about USAID and it breaks my heart, personally, because I've worked around the world on their grants.  

This is the most horrible timeline.  Who is more evil, Trump or Netanyahu?  HOw is this real?  Fuck fuck fuck.

Now I want tahdig.  

**

and now it's Friday, and I survived another week.  Approximately 150 left to go.   

Green beans w/chicken for lunch; okonomiyaki (cabbage & carrot "pancakes" with eggs) for dinner.  Need to get better breakfasts again, just keep forgetting to until I'm rushing out the door or too hungry.  Possibilities are "protein biscuits" made with red lentils and vegetables or "lentil loaf" on a pita.  Need more good breakfast ideas.  

And now I believe that the only vegetables in this house are one carrot, one stalk of celery, onions, garlic, and dehydrated cucumber chips.  Oh, and some frozen squash cubes.  But I've consumed all the rest and I'm proud of myself for that - for eating healthy and not wasting.  Tomorrow I'll go to the farmers market and stock up. Cabbages and beets and carrots and greens and whatever else goodness I see.  I may also swing by the grocery store that has tasty cucumbers on sale.  Costco finally has Kerry Gold butter on sale and I'll buy the limit of 4, and that should last me for the year.  Or more.  It'll go into the freezer.  I want to make "energy balls" soon, they're a good tasty treat.  

It's ant season already and they're coming in strong.  They are hitting the bathroom now, just a hundred scouts because they're not finding anything except water.  When I saw the first one I went through and took out anything that can encourage them, such coughdrops.  I cleared out a bunch of stuff like that and took to the free pantry.  So I see one on a bar of soap and one on the tissue box, but they're not clustering like they found anything.  LIttle fuckers.  I kill them one by one, the formic acid a spoil of war.  They are coming in where I need to caulk the window, so it's a good reminder that's on my project list.  I need to first figure out how to clear the old paint off the vinyl windows because some motherfucker can't paint for shit and made a mess with a yellow paint.  I thought when it's warmer I can scrape it off with plastic but I may not want to wait.  

**

And now it's Saturday morning and I'm really excited about cooking this weekend.  I've got about six errands on my list for different foods to stock up my fridge.  Got some pintos soaking that I'll cook to eat with tortillas and the works (salsa, olives, pepitas).  Will braise red cabbage for a hearty salad with quinoa.  Have a couple of lentil possibilities - either a bolognese or a Mexican skillet.  Probably borscht. 

It's supposed to be raining all weekend, so I get to hunker down inside without guilt.  Though, there's an event today giving away free compost so I may still go get that and haul it in the pouring rain despite my painful back.  I've been delighted with the storm and deep deep rains, as we are nearing the end of rainy season and I want the ground saturated so I don't have to water anytime soon.   The dog is less delighted and she's refusing to get off the couch this morning.  She'll go out if I do though, she always does.  She just won't stay out if it's bad weather.  

Anyway, screw typical american ultraprocessed food, that blip of eating that lunch on Wednesday has definitely recommitted me to how I eat - whole foods, from scratch.   

plants in the ground, oh yeah

 Took off a little early from work and got to work.  Dug out a California lilac bush I planted a few weeks ago, realizing it's way too close to other trees where I first put it.  Moved it to the curb strip, knowing it will still get too big and crowd sidewalk and street, but oh well.  Probably not my problem, and even if it is, it's a gorgeous bush but only lasts 10 years or so.  Put in five more plants that I'd had to research, a wallflower, a delphinium, that sort of thing.  so, currently no natives waiting to be planted, only some vegetable starts which are very not happy with me.  I guess I need to either just commit to getting a grow light and building a greenhouse type thing, or not.  Our growing season is short, so if I want to grow things like peppers and tomatoes and even cabbage, they should be started indoors.  Which I just don't really vibe with.  I'm looking forward to a month from now when I'll plant beans, squash, and cucumbers, and that will make my garden looked filled in.  The peas are coming in fine, and the potatoes are starting with this warmth, but I still have a lot of open spots for the May plantings and transplants. 

No, I didn't need to take off early from work, though I might start doing that regularly.  One afternoon a week when I can, sort of thing.  It let me finish chores by 5:30, so can still cook dinner and enjoy an evening.  I've got a lentil shepherd's pie in the oven, a bit of cheese grated to put on top.  I added frozen shredded zucchini to the lentils as they cooked and I think that will be a good way to use that in the future, though the long pieces of it is weird so I may shred then chop it in the future.  

What shall I do tonight?   I might start a new book, or scrub the kitchen floor, or watch some new episodes of TV, or quilt (which can be done at the same time as TV).  The newest book from the library I have two weeks to read is The Endling.  I'm so tickled that I seem to enjoy reading again.  Not all books, but some.  I can live with that.  I've been reading some good stuff.  

Getting out and digging in the dirt is helpful because it consumes me less than the horrors that our country's leader is.  He is the worst human being on the planet, or at least in the running.  I am so opposed to everything he does, and I'm over here talking about planting seeds instead of running a rebellion, and that is shameful.  I should be out there fighting instead of hunkering down.  I, like everyone else, have too much to lose, and that is awful to think like that.  Nothing will change if we don't risk.  Plus I always have backup plans.  Just got notice it's time to renew my California teaching credential.  No, I would not enjoy teaching anymore - it was great for me while it lasted, but I moved on, and I feel utterly ill-equipped to handle youth in this new age (there were barely cell phones when I left teaching).  But knowing that in a worst case scenario, I can get a job somewhere, to make enough to pay my bills and survive, is comforting.  That's like worst worst case scenario, like if the government takes everything from me.  In the middle of that is things like getting a roommate or a part-time job at the department store.  I can survive, I'm resourceful.  

So, another thing I'm glad I did six months ago was dehydrate cucumber slices.  They are such a tasty crunch and I haven't eaten any potato or cornchips since I committed to eating them.  The only annoying thing is that the dog loves them as much as I do, so her begging is not polite.  I have one more small jar and then they're gone, and that's ok, because I will be ready for fresh cucumbers.  Last year I grew a wonderful variety that handled my neglect well (all the others I've grown here have been so bitter) and ate SO MANY cucumbers.  LIke, constantly.  It was overwhelming, in fact.  They're so good.  The one thing I needed to do more of was fermented pickles.  I made a few jars, but not enough.  Need to start that right away with start of season and keep it going.  Also, I can use my cucumbers for relish - I bought for that last year because I didn't know how well my cucumbers produce.  This year I'll have more faith, though of course there's no guarantee.  Maybe this year will be the year of something else instead, who knows.  

I learned last week that a person who does my job was fired.  He's now in another office so I've never met him, though I've seen his work and heard his jocularity on all-organization calls.  My colleagues who know him and worked with him for years are baffled, with the only idea they can come up with is that his soft skills aren't the greatest because he has very high work standards.  I raised my hand when the colleague said that, because that is EXACTLY why I was targeted two years ago and developed sleep problems.  But if I survived, why didn't he?  We speculated that he's in a more uptight place, and the person leading that office has no fans among us.  She seems awful, frankly.  The top of our organization seems ok-ish, but everyone she puts around her is really really bad, and that's who we have to deal with.  I haven't met any of them in person, but remote is too much.  I can't stand them and so look forward to be free of them.  

Anyway, as much as I loathe my job, it provides me a healthy living and retirement planning, so I am lucky that I wasn't fired.  I would have been so fucked if I was fired, buying an overpriced house and all. I mean, of course they can still try to fire me, but I hope not.  I'm tired of that shit. 

Also tired because I hurt my back.  I lifted a box repeatedly that was way too heavy and hard to manage, and I pulled a lot of something.  It's still at the stage where I'm almost euphoric becuase of all the reactions within my body to try to protect itself, but we'll see how I am tomorrow.  I fear it's pretty bad, but I hope not.  

Damn that lentil shepherds pie is so good.  I always love it.  Lentils, carrots, zucchini, potatoes, onions, garlic, tomato paste (this time - I mix it up, sometimes with mushrooms or green beans or whatever I've got on hand).  What's not to love?  It's the seasoning that makes it shine - herbes de provence, amino acids, heaps of black pepper, vegetable broth.  Oh, and I enjoy some butter and sour cream in the mashed potatoes, gives it a nice richness.  I have no idea why this combo works, but it so does (for me at least). Then thawed some strawberries to finish off the cottage cheese.  Not bad, but better with yogurt.  I love our fresh local strawberries.  Yes, I'll spend $150 again on them this year because they're so great.  Though I think I'll make less jam and just freeze them.  

I have a culinary challenge to finish the vegetables in my fridge before buying more - 1/3 red cabbage, green onions, carrots.  Yes, I have eggs - it shall become okonomiyaki.  Yum.  I think I'll pick up another red cabbage - the braised red cabbage salad with quinoa and sumac that I made a few weeks ago was banger.  So good.  

OCD

 I've never really experienced OCD.  I'm sure people working with me think I'm in that way because of wanting things to be correct, but that's not OCD, that's high standards.

Today was the first time I think that I have every experienced something in that vein.  before work, I had to have my countertops clear and clean.  Now I'm cleaning my bathroom fanlight, and going through all my old cough drops and such to toss or give away.  Clearing, cleaning.  

I think I'm still within healthy range, but I will say that it feels different than it ever has before.  Not a "oh, that would be nice to clear those drawers out" but "I am compelled to do this. Now."  

Strange.  

Hope to just ride the wave and let it die down, but maybe I'll get some good cleaning done in the meantime. 

through the freezer

 Just used up what I think is the last of my frozen zucchini.  Made some muffins and now am sauteeing it with onion, to eat with baked tofu.  

The muffins are kind of a kitchen sink.  No added sugar, though I did add plum/date puree.  I also added in flax meal and hemp hearts and the last bit of coconut, because they were there in my fridge, and then I needed more liquid so finished off a jar of yogurt.  They do have some added oil in them, about 1/3 of a tablespoon each.  Oats and whole wheat flour, zucchini, pecans, cinnamon.  Last time I think I used pumpkin seeds instead, which I would do again.  They're pretty tasty, texture reminds me of oatmeal cake which I like.  Putting a few in the fridge, freeze most.  I have a lot of muffins in the freezer as I dont really eat them as much as I'd expected; I did just get through the bag of muffins sweetened by squash and beets.  They were pretty good, especially with a bit of low-sugar peach jam on them.  

I'm enjoying a book, which is nice.  It's called Culpability and it's engaging.  Even though the type is small, I'm moving on through it.  The author knows how to spin a yarn for sure.  This is the second novel I've read recently about the dangers of AI, which definitely strikes a cord with me.  It terrifies me, especially with this political regime which will do nothing to keep us safe from it. 

OK, this tofu zucchini probably needs some rice or something but it's too late to make that (since I only use brown rice).  Maybe I'll make it to eat with leftovers.  

I have laundry on the line for the first time this year, which is exciting.  I need to adjust where a hook goes and I may need to run the sheets in the dryer a bit to get the pollen out, but otherwise, the line is dandy.  Thrilled to have it up again, even if I can't use it again for a few weeks because of cool and rain.  

I did some planting, got in the milkweed and something else I'm forgetting right now, but i need to do some more research on the others that I got, and one I need to move because of a bad placement decision.  Dug out some weeds that I hate, scrubbed down the patio.  I'll probably have to do it again, but at least I'm not seeing the grime.  The dog helped kill some wood destroying bees, which I feel really bad about, but they need to stop eating my patio.  There are a lot of small insect holes in stumps and such, and that's exactly what I have left those for.  The paint was supposed to stop the bees from eating the patio, and maybe it still will, but I see some spots I need to hit again.  Worse than the actual devouring of wood is that they make a tremendous mess.     

Not today, but recently I've been watching Perry Mason on HBO.  I didn't know there was a new one - I used to love the old one, or maybe my mother loved it and I was just there for the reruns.  The new one is also engaging.  It's interesting how we have been shifting so much in our language and attitudes, and I know that they are using current values to apply to the past, but I'm ok with that.  An honest attempt at that is Rooster, also on HBO, which I'm quite enjoying.  Steve Carrell is great.  And he's about my age, and it's hard to explain to younger people, but we just come from a very different time.  Not that it was every ok to be homophobic or racist or sexist or any of that, but - like referring to a white whale.  Sometimes we're just making a literary reference, not being racist or sexist or fatphobic.  

Like, it wasn't that long ago that I was in my favorite African nation, and high-ranking government officials referred not infrequently to my ass, and how it was clear I'm not really all white, that no white woman has an ass like mine, and it's proof positive that I am of African descent.  I thought it was hilarious and inclusive.  That is so far from what is acceptable joking.  I did also experience bad things - like realizing an organization leader I was supposed to work with was human labor trafficking, or my employer paying for a retreat, which several professionals used as an excuse to bring prostitutes, whom I somewhat awkwardly would meet at breakfast.  Not that I have any problem with sex work, but the power imbalance was too great.  Vastly too great.  Or my coworker officemate who would use our rural travel as an excuse to shag rural women with empty promises, which I learned about when one showed up very pregnant to our office; he was truly insufferable, and was always ranting about what a good family man he was.  Fucking lying scumbag.  

I guess I'm PC too but sometimes i just feel like some things have gone too far and it's all just fluff now, we cant' have real conversations.   

OK, the shredded zucchini will be better added to other things in the future probably, rather than just cooked itself.  It's fine.  It's good to eat vegetables.  Just not super exciting to eat previously frozen shredded zucchini.  Next time i may thaw it and squeeze out hte water and see if I can get it to crisp up a bit, that would be nice.  Also would be nice with parmesan.  

 

+3.8

 Made the big purchase, bought that fancy German vacuum cleaner.  List price like $1,000, got it for more like $200.  Researched all the sites like Consumer Reports (free through my library) for the ones that would work best for me, waited for a big sale (apparently it's a spring cleaning thing) and a less popular color, joined a membership club for $29 to save $149, and cashed in credit card points.  Boom.  

**

The scale says that in the past week, I have gained 3.8 pounds.  That is INSANE.  I noticed that when I ate 2.3 biscuits on Sunday at the neighborhood picnic, the scale said I'd gained over a pound, and I did have an indulgence this week on Friday: I got a salad with chicken, dressing on the side, with a small order of Greek fries (with feta & tzatziki) and a slice of cheesecake that I ate over two days.  And yesterday I ate bread with cheese and jam (not together) for dinner, several slices.  Otherwise, I was sticking with the system all week - whole foods, vegetable forward, reduced oil and other fats.   

It's just really frustrating that there can be no indulgences like a fucking biscuit without the pounds packing on.  This is not basic math.  Even when I consider how many calories were possibly in that cheesecake (1310, looking comparably to a Cheesecake Factory slice), that is far less than the 13,300 extra calories I would have had to consume this week to gain that kind of weight.  Yes, of course I know that my thyroid is funky, and I know that when my metabolism was checked pre-menopause that it was already far slower than normal.  I get that.  But it is still frustrating as fuck.  I want to be able to eat things without being obsessive.  Even if my loaves of sourdough were 1,000 calories, I would have had to eat over 13 loaves, which I most certainly did not (I've eaten less than 1/3 of the loaf - which is still a lot but not THAT much).  And yes, I understand these things add together - 1310 calories here, 600 calories there - but I'm fucking living and moving and biking to work and moving mulch and doing the things.   

70%

On average, I save 70% of my take-home pay.  That makes me quite proud of myself.  I'm underspent in all budget categories for this year except for utilities (overspent by 58 cents), and auto (over $111 because of auto insurance this month and getting a new truck battery).  I'm not so over or underspent that I need to rebalance the categories - I'm close for the quarter in most.  Only significantly underspent in house (I'll probably have some spending this summer on repairs) and miscellaneous (from returning a vacuum and probably getting a new one will even that out).  

I am chuffed and also recognize the great deal of luck.  Yes, I worked really hard, and no my family provided me with zero financial advantages, but I've still been lucky.  I was able to get advanced degrees and now, as I approach retirement, to make significant money for the first time in my life.  It's all going straight to paying off the overpriced house.  

Food spending was ok, coming in at $352 because I did some stocking up at the end.  

Baking: 4%; Beverages (mostly coffee): 8%; bread (pitas, tortillas): 7%; dairy 18%; grains 2%; herbs & spices 1%; legumes 6%; misc. (cornstarch for tofu, lime juice, nooch) 2%; nuts & seeds 7%; olive oil 5%; eating out 9%; produce 14%; protein (meat, eggs, tofu): 7%; snacks & dessert 9%.  

**

I've read a lot about retirement strategies, watched a lot of Youtube videos of financial planners and retirees, and I think that I can set a retirement date expectation of February 2, 2029.  I could potentially do earlier, but that is a date that seems to provide a level of security and is based on realistic expectations.  That is two years and ten months away and seems like I should be able to do it.  I cannot see the future and know that any awful crazy thing can happen, and this date can be adjusted, but it's a target.  Why that date specifically?  Well, it would give me health insurance for the whole month, my professional fees would be paid for the whole year, and my paid out vacation time would be in a lower-income year so lower taxes and beneficial for Marketplace insurance.  It would be right after I paid off my house, but the paid out vacation time and last paychecks should be able to cover me for a year or two without having to touch retirement savings - though I could, and would consider Roth conversions to fill the tax bracket, or if the market is crummy could look for some gig work perhaps.  

I also broke down to concrete numbers what I want to spend on travel.  Of course everything can change, but essentially there are about six trips that I want to take, on average about $5,000.  So, $30,000 in travel to save for.  Some less, some more - like airfare to Australia is a lot, but I'd be staying with friends except for a bustrip to Uluru (yes it would take a lot of time, but I'm intrigued with rural Australia after watching a lot of TV about it).  Iceland is an expensive place, but I'd probably look for a Workaway or housesit time for at least some of it to know real Icelanders.  I've stayed in very fancy hotels for work, and they don't really excite me.  If retired, I have a lot more flexibility to travel times and means.  

I'm grateful that I did so much travel when I was young and spry, so much of my travel curiosity sated.  There are a few places I'd like to maybe return to (such as Senegal), but not a lot compelling me anymore.  

I've also put a number on unexpected house repairs: $500/month to budget.  That's $6,000/year.  Now that I've done most of renovations I want to do, that should be enough to cover what comes up, and if I want more (like to put new siding on or build a fancy patio), then I can wait for market upturn and pull from those accounts or find some gig work to save up.  Though I'm still not really sold on the idea of staying there ... though, I just was looking at the city recreation program activities, and there's a lot of interesting things to do.  I could have an active enjoyable life here, if I'm honest with myself and stop being so snooty about this place.  Between the recreation activities and volunteer opportunities and bicycle access to nearly everything I want or need, there are only really two things missing for me now: quality healthcare and friend network.  I will keep trying to find a good doctor as I think it's possible, just difficult, and I think that when I quit my job that I will have much more bandwidth to show up for people for friendship, and more interaction with volunteering and recreation to interact with people.  Also it will be easier to attract friends when I stop being so snooty about this place.  There are people worth being friends with.  Also, it will be a lot easier when my dog is no more, and I can not have to always think about her comfort level.  

And I am still very open to moving elsewhere, I just don't know to where.  I have been thinking fondly about northern Louisiana, but that may just have been a blip of a wonderful time for me there where everything fell into place (except financially, so I had to leave).  People loved me there, and I do miss that.  

Things have been more falling into place lately with work, less feeling like I'm grinding a rusty old gear all the time.  It may be temporary but I'll enjoy it while it lasts.  

OK, I'm feeling like spending some money so I think I'll head to the farmers market, and then I want to go to the vacuum store.  I'm eyeing a Miele canister and I'd like to see one in person and then wait for a good sale, or maybe find a refurbished one.

Time to hit this Saturday.