small bites

 I hope to never eat an elephant, but at least I know how.

Things are in chaos here still and I have to remember to go one small bite (or step) at a time.  So many problems with the workers - truly some awful quality and I had to fire and bring in cavalry.  Here's hoping the cavalry is up to the task of redoing previous work.  This ongoing stress is not what I need.  I also didn't need this morning, wherein my bed frame broke and my ceiling light/fan stopped working.  Can I fix these things?  Perhaps.  Do I want to?  Not much.  

I know to be very grateful that my full-time job requires less than 40 hours per week, very little on call expectation, and is close enough that I can come home for lunch.  And yet I find myself with far too little time, far too little energy to do things myself.  Could I fix all these sheetrock problems myself?  Can I rewire for lights?  Probably.  Would I rather hire a professional?  Good god yes.  

So many things I do for myself and save money, so when I actually want to hire somebody then I should just do it.  The problem is that it's so hard to find workers of quality here.  And there are so many reasons to need them.

The roofers finally came back to fix things and I will make a final payment.  Their work cost more than a new car, a nice one.  The new painter/drywall repairer does work often where I work and my supervisor - who is a mafia boss (not really, but she has the cold heart and financial prowess) - recommended him.  Here's hoping.  At this point, it's just money and so much stress to not be able to be comfortable in my home.  I'm still cleaning up dust from the last go around.

It's heating up here, into 80s already.  People say it's lovely, but give me 70 and cloud cover any day.  Once the shade hits part of my yard later I'll go in to finish weeding and mulching.  Have a couple more plants to put in as well. I seem to have a bit of a plant problem, but not really.  I want 75 native plants in my yard for a certified natural habitat, and honestly I'll only end up paying about $300 for all that and so it's not a bad hobby.  I buy little plants, I get cuttings from people.  Some things aren't making it but others are thriving, and I'm fine with all of that.  It's a mishmash hodgepodge native plant "cottage garden" and the birds and bees love it already.  I expect things will fill in quite nicely and it won't be too much work.  I do not understand having plants to baby - if a plant doesn't want to live here, then it won't, and I'll put in something else.  Though I do really want salvia coccinea and Turk's cap so I'll try again with them perhaps in another part of the yard, or maybe they'll come back.  Plenty of things have been coming back, like the frogfruit and the echinacea, and of course the deciduous are leafing out.  

My yard is my greatest pleasure as I am pretty much over this city and all the drama.  So much violent crime, so much governmental dysfunction.  I like to stay at home, makes it less likely that I will be carjacked.  (I am not exaggerating the danger.)  And my yard gives me great relief.  From the food I grow (I just ate a dozen loquats because they were there and I'm about to eat the romanesco and then cook the leaves to eat with grits) to all the butterflies and bees and anoles, it's a good place to be.  Oh, and I think there's a ripe strawberry waiting for me.  

But it will be even better when all the repairs are done and we can relax, because living in a construction zone is not for me.

why I micromanage

 I am fussy and it is almost always easier to just do things myself.

Example: my car battery corrodes.  Badly.  And I have had probably at least a dozen mechanics have something to do with it, such as cleaning the terminals so that it wouldn't keep happening. I got everything from "well, I cleaned but it's not really possible to ensure it won't happen again right away" to "I've got it cleaned thoroughly and your problems are over."  

Spoiler: the problems were never over.

So last year winter when my truck wouldn't start, I got a new battery and I cleaned the fuck out of everything and put on chemical protectant as well as felt pads.

Know who hasn't had a single problem in the more than a year since doing this?  This gal.

I just always do things thoroughly.  People say something isn't possible and so I dig deep and I make it happen.

So this made me come home early from my trip, driving in the dark which I hate, and now I'm prepping for painters.  Not trusting them to do things, I do them myself. 

The problem is that I do this with everything and it means I get overwhelmed.  I wish that I could trust people, I really do.  But I don't.  Because they always disappoint me.  

Well, except my neighbor isn't usually too bad and he's back at work this morning on various repairs for me outside, so I should go check in with him.  Except I don't really want to.  I can only deal with one thing at a time, and I have too many things.  I have to go get my dog from my friends who kept her while I went out of town, I have to get some saplings into pots, I have to clear everything out for painters, I have to meet the painters about both interior and exterior work, and so on and so forth.  This is Sunday.

Someday I will not be so overwhelmed.  That day is not today. 

slight change in plans

 Well, I'm not camping in 28 degrees this weekend. It was just too much, to haul all the gear and set up and break down camp and try to enjoy myself when probably not sleeping well and then come back and have to pack everything up again right away.  Instead I'll stay at the inn in a bed.  It'll be a good little break, but it'll be a lot of driving, and I'll get back afternoon on Sunday and have to move everything out of three rooms because the painters are scheduled for 8 am on Monday.  Obviously I can move some things before I leave, but there will still be a lot to do.  My neighbor will be doing some exterior work while I'm gone and I'm hassling the roofing company to finish.  Then if I like the interior work I'll have the same painters do the exterior.  

I just keep getting overwhelmed by it all.  I need to go check if there was any more leaking from last night's storm, but ugh.  I'm aggravated with the roofers.  And it's going to be so stressful for the dog, having workers take apart her house (removing ceilings and walls) while she's locked in my bedroom, but it was also stressful to take her to work and have her screaming in the truck when I tried to work.  I don't want her to bite anyone obviously, and I also don't want her to have a nervous breakdown.  Honestly I don't remember having anxiety before I got her, but we feed off each other and it's not always good.

I also get just physically overwhelmed.  Hauling all the paint yesterday messed with me.  From some google doctoring it looks like heavy lifting can cause spike in blood pressure, which messes with the heart.  That's exactly what it feels like.  I really need to start exercising more including weight lifting, but it takes so much effort and I don't feel better afterwards - instead it uses up my spoons for the day.  And sleep isn't a total recharge like it was when I was younger.  I'd like to figure this all out.  But first, I need to get my house fixed up.  As stressful as these three days having the interior work done will be, it will be so incredibly nice to have it done.  This construction limbo I've been in since returning 10 months ago has taken a toll.  

Work has been demanding this week, taking a lot of focus and thought.  Makes me appreciate when it's less demanding.  There's been a bit of chatter about what it means to be salary and if we really are on 24/7 call.  Rarely do I get contacted outside work hours and I maintain strict boundaries because of my last job messing with me, but they still think they own me 24/7.  I don't think they're unusual in this regard - I mean, France and other countries had to pass laws to stop companies from acting like this.  But if they try to creep into my personal life, I have to be ready to stop it including quitting.  I just will not go back to that lifestyle of being on call.  But again, I've been there six months and it's been rare.  The worst was before I even started - I was supposed to start work right when the city was shut down because of hurricane.  I got contacted by HR to do some tasks which were really difficult because I was running around helping harder hit communities and had no electricity or internet, but luckier friends stepped up and I was able to do the tasks, and it turns out HR was demanding of me so that i could get paid for that time.  So I definitely cannot bear a grudge for that, even though it was stressful and it was also stressful to start my job immediately after getting electricity (so having no time to get things in order).  And I don't want to kick up dirt for something that isn't happening with me (the calling outside work hours) - the main person affected by this isn't at work during work hours like I am.  I show up on time and stay until close and work that whole time, and in return I do not want blurred boundaries with life outside work.  And it's been ok, and future tripping isnt going to help me - it's just that the on-call at my last job was so bad for me that I'm so very leery.  And it just came up because my direct supervisors were saying I have to answer the cell phone when I am on leave this week - and I am very serious when I say that I am not carrying and answering my goddamn work phone when I am foraging in the forest.  I hate carrying a cell phone so very very much.  I will be carrying my personal phone because I'll be taking photos.  That's it.  There's no fucking way I'm taking work calls on this one vacation day I've had in over six months.  And the people in charge thanked me for informing them I'd be without cell phone but it was not a thing - except for one guy who immediately called me to help him with some things because he relies on me heavily and he's working himself up about me being out for one day.  But he's also a good guy who wouldn't impose upon me or demand I be available on a day off, so that was just him getting his needs met because he does rely on me and that's not a bad thing.  I'm good at my job and trustworthy. 

Anyway.  The usual.  So much to do.  We'll be ok.  Looking forward to this foraging weekend. 

let go of old me?

I grew up in wilderness and pride myself on the part of me that can hike and camp.

But truth be told my body now prefers flatland.  I've been living in New Orleans too long with its very flat terrain, and our return to mountains was not entirely pleasant.  I spent six months running up and down a very steep slope between two workplaces and home, and it never stopped being miserable.  

And camping?  My dog hated tent camping so hard that I actually bought a camper trailer to accommodate her.  She did love that camper trailer and we had some fun times, but camping with her is always problematic with the whole crazy thing.  I just can't trust her to not find something to attack. Honestly, camping just isn't a big part of New Orleans culture.  I can drive hours to get someplace, but the camping season isn't long because it is miserable in summer for me at least - so hot, so many bugs.  And honestly, I like to be home.  There's a cabin that we have gone to a few times that has a lovely creek and grounds, but much of the time there the dog just goes and lays by the truck.  She loves to be home, not someplace else.  

So I have all this camping gear.  Much I'll keep at least for now because it comes in handy after hurricanes - camp stove, light, etc.  But other is less so.  A thick sleeping bag?  A tent?  I cannot imagine sleeping in a tent in August here - it is so miserably hot.  

And yes, I plan to leave here sooner than later, but I have the dog for probably another seven years, with camping impractical except in quite unusual circumstances. 

And also, I'm older now and less enjoy sleeping on the ground than I used to.  

So here is what I am contemplating.  I'm going a few hours away this weekend and rather than stay at a hotel, I think I'll camp.  I'll dig out the gear and use it and see how it feels.  It's going to be freezing (literally, below 32 degrees) so I'll get to use the good stuff.

And then I'll see what I can let go to rehome.  I could always buy a new tent and sleeping bag later; sometimes I forget that because I've never been wealthy and gear is expensive.  But I"m tired of moving this shit from place to place just to take up storage space.

But also I may be less rugged now.  I'm very less rugged, honestly.  I've pushed myself physically a lot throughout my life - no biathlon or anything like that, but I did do a marathon.  I've gone to very remote places and gotten tropical diseases and done crazy things.  I've had a good run.  But I don't know that I want to be a camper anymore.  And to let go of all the gear is hard because that was my identity for decades.  But as much as I fantasize about kayaking down the Atchafalaya and camping along the way, I won't do it anytime in the next decade because I have a dog.  

It's not just stuff, it's identity.  And shifting like that is hard.  But also hard is packing up all this shit again next year.  I would sure like to lighten the load. 

 

a comfortable nest

I spent my very long weekend knee-deep in chores, and all the dirt hauling and such has me in some aches and pains. I'll survive but I'm feeling my age.  I really need to get into stretching and such.  

I just so enjoy spending time in my yard.  I know it looks messy and unkempt to others, but it's meant to be that way.  Wildness for the pollinators and frogs and anoles, native plants to be low-maintenance, reused fence boards to hold in dirt to grow bountiful food.

And I've been sharing the food more with neighbors and coworkers.  It seems nearly every day I'm taking to work a bag of greens or a bottle of plant medicine for somebody; often both.  Sometimes prepared food.  Today I'm taking grits and greens to a coworker; the real reason is that I can't stand leftovers too much and also cannot stand to throw away food, but we say the reason is that with him working two full-time jobs he doesn't have time to prep food to bring to work, and the fast food is killing him.  NOt that these grits are healthy - I didn't have milk so there's a lot of half and half with the cheese and butter.  Very tasty but not great for the arteries. The greens were great though and much healthier.   

Yesterday I showed that coworker the medicinal plant bidens alba, a common weed around here.  He is religiously taking the oxymel I gave him.  And then another coworker came to me for help with a project, which is great.  The workplace is super siloed and collaboration is horribly low.  This new guy was hired for my department and I was completely kept out of the hiring process and adamantly told that I am not his supervisor - instead, he has no supervisor.  It is seriously the most dysfunctional place, and it isn't about me, it's about others.  I told HR to hush and I would do what I need to do about the time she was saying we could at most have weekly meetings.  This is definitely a forgiveness not permission situation because the person in charge wants serfs but has absolutely not idea how to manage people.  So I immediately grabbed this young man and said the most important thing is that we collaborate and support each other, and I commenced to doing so - training him and including him.  He has no idea how to do this work and he's not credentialed, but he is here and he knows a little.  I can work with that.  So I have talked with him many times a day about almost everything that I'm doing and how things work and what the unspoken rules are - all this that I had to figure out myself.  He and I have very different personalities and he will find a different way but I do not want him to fail unnecessarily.  He seems like a nice guy, not somebody who will try to stab me in the back to get ahead, so I put in the work.  And yesterday was the first time he came to talk to me about a project; he was in the right direction and wanted a little guidance.  And so for me to have a collaborative workplace is fantastic.  In my last job, the person I should have been able to collaborate with was the most unhelpful person ever; in the previous jobs there wasn't anybody who even knew what I did.  And so yeah, if the person in charge wants to fire me for collaborating so that we all do much better work, then bring it.  

It is not a healthy, happy workplace, but I'm carving out a niche.  I'm being myself and people can take it or leave it.  I know that I am not everyone's cup of tea and I am fine with that.  I know that I am an outsider and that people bristle at a white woman know-it-all.  I cannot change that so I just do good work. 

So I am building cozy nests, just like the birds that built the nest in my backyard loquat tree and are chirping in my front yard river birch right now.  But I am really missing having close friend(s).  The sort of In Case of Emergency friends have all moved away or are moving away shortly or we've grown apart because I keep leaving.  All the new people with potential annoy me.  I guess I don't really want to make new close friends, but I also need some.  I will figure out workarounds, like giving my house key to my tenant who pays attention to the dog, leaving a house key at work for an emergency situation and having coworkers meet my dog in case they need to get into my house to check on me if I don't show up to work.  I'm just terrified to end up like a woman I just read about; died in her car in her driveway and all her animals starved to death.  So while I'm not crazy about work being a place where I make friends, it may need to be that way. 

the long way

I don't take many shortcuts in my cooking. Instead of buying chopped toasted pecans, I buy three pounds of raw local ones as part of a 4H fundraiser and I toast and chop them myself.  When I lived where I couldn't get good whole wheat flour, I bought a grain grinder and sourced large bags of whole grains.  I buy dried beans and can them myself, using them for many things including dips.  Rather than buying canned salmon, I walk down to the docks and grab quite a few that were just caught then spend a weekend processing them up myself (or trading fresh salmon for fermented goods).  I eye the loquat tree that I planted six years ago for fruit to make (hopefully) copious jam for me and friends.  I pluck calendula flowers and dehydrate them for medicine; I would rather pick heaps of bidens alba and steep it in either oxymel or tincture for several weeks in order to have medicine than take an NSAID. 

  Normal people say "Oh, I'm out of yogurt/bread, etc.  I should get some at the store."  I say "Oh, I should make some."  That's what I did this weekend (just put the yogurt in the cooler with hot water, and just ate some sourdough toast).  And made sauerkraut from cabbage, carrots, and daikon that I grew myself.  I see that they sell probiotic capsules ... that would sure be a lot quicker than the months of all this. 

I do everything the long way, it seems.  I hang my laundry on the line to dry in the sun because it saves electricity.  Just a little bit, but every bit helps, yes?  I make my own yogurt because I think the taste is better and nothing is added.  Maybe healthier because fresher, probably cheaper.  I make my own sourdough bread because it tastes better.  I get used free discarded rugs and clean them repeatedly myself. 

I think that I probably save a considerable amount of money this way (economic stimulation should never rely on me).  But also, I enjoy these processes.  I like the muscle memory activation.  I like seeing the ovenspring of successful sourdough, tasting the sweet yogurt that yog-ed up properly.  I really enjoy being out in my backyard with my laundry, noticing cool things.  I never get tired of my backyard.  

I'm even next leveling a bit - getting a solar cooker to try to cook that way.  I sure do hate heating up my kitchen in summer.  

But unfortunately all these things take time.  A lot of time.  I don't have enough energetic hours in my day, so other things I need to do fall by the wayside.  

It's a balance. 

But all the people who say they were too bored in retirement so went back to work, I wonder how they could not fill their days with enjoyable activities because I have too many without enough hours. 

And, I think I'm over city life. The rural life is calling to me, but I need a community.  Told a coworker we should get a plot of land together as we have similar desires - animals (we talk all the time about having chickens again), growing our own food (she's in an apartment now and envious of my setup).  I need likeminded community like this.  I'm happy to work but need others working as well.