-2.2: vindication

 Scale says today that I lost 2.2 pounds since last week, 20 pounds since September (when I started weighing myself, after an easy weight loss in August).  And while I challenge that amount specifically, it tracks the trajectory and I think that last week's ready was a fluke (or a thyroid issue)  It shows a loss of 1.8 pounds over four weeks, which is much more plausible.  I'm content with a loss average of about a half pound per week - that seems more sustainable than any drastic jump.  

More important than a number on a scale is other metrics.  Pain is reduced, grumpiness is not - but how can I not be grumpy in this shitshow at the national level.  Most clothes are not hanging off of me loosely (shirts are too big, most pants not noticeably so).  

i guess this is less a weight loss journey than it is a health journey, so the scale focus is misdirected.  I am eating so much healthier now than a year ago, so many more whole foods and less ultraprocessed.  It's not a fad diet, just a shift of focus.  And I noticed the other day when I did eat pasta that I enjoyed the feelings after less than I used to, and that was with a lot of cabbage so not naked pasta to mess with my glucose.  Days when I eat less vegetables I notice I feel less satiated, like I've been missing something.  So, those are good trends.  

Where will I go when I retire?  I hope to land somewhere with a healthy diet, lots of vegetables and fresh fish.  I should add that to my priority list.  

Was just reading an article about a woman who had bought into a retirement community with her husband, who since died, and out of the blue the community was sold and the maintenance fees quadrupled to $6,000, while significantly reducing the buy-in value.  That was very sobering to me, as I had eyed those types of communities with interest.  I am quite disliking all the uncertainty in planning for retirement - how long will I live? how will my health be? will I need expensive healthcare? what will inflation be like? how bad will this fascist state become and should I go elsewhere? will elsewhere also turn bad?

It's a lot to consider.  

Meanwhile, the dog is sulking because we need to go walk.  So off we go.  

the store that gives me everything I need

 So, I did most of my errands, and I do have buyer's regret about the plants I bought, and the two or more gallons of gas it took me to get there.  Oh well.  Live and learn.  Just because I've been wanting it hard for over a year doesn't mean it's still a passion for me.  And just because I haven't had to fill up my car's tank for six weeks doesn't mean it hurts me to drive sometimes. Even if I don't like it.  I could have gone two full months without gas, but oh well.  I spent the money, I have the plants, and when they start blooming in future years, I will be happy.  

Then I stopped at the store that gives me everything.  They had starts on sale and it was all things I was planning to buy - arugula, cilantro, parsley.  I can pop those in the ground and start harvesting already, dang.  Sweet.  Then I saw poster board is on sale so I'm set for upcoming rally next week.  And then some canned fruit without sugar to eat with cottage cheese.  And a duster I can keep in my car.  All things I've been wanting, and there they are.  I fucking love that store (which is a regional chain and employee owned).  I left the car in the driveway so I can finish doing things in the garage that the car is in the way of, like organizing a little niche right next to where it parks.   

Well, I'm a little proud of myself tonight - I know that there are many people who can just look in the fridge and cabinets and find something to make.  I used to date a guy like that, and it always amazed me what he would pull together.  But I am not one of those people.  I like a recipe, a plan.  

But tonight, I winged it.  I had salad greens needing to be used up, and parsley.  I wanted quinoa and cucumbers.  I have heaps of olives and sundried tomatoes, feta in the freezer.  And a bunch more tahini dressing I made a few days ago.  See where I'm going?  It all went in together and it was damn tasty.  Only enough for three meals, I ate one serving, put one in the fridge for tomorrow, and walked the other over to the little free pantry.  A couple was standing there, rummaging through the fridge and arguing.  The man was walking away and said to me, "What's that?"  "A quinoa salad."  "Yes," and took it from my hands.  "Enjoy."  I walked away behind him, as he started to eat it, and he more gently said, "Thank you."  I don't require a thank you - a person eating something I've made is enough thanks.  But I do hope he starts using that tone with his girlfriend more.

That may not be enough protein, and I have some strawberries thawing to eat with yogurt and hemp hearts.  

I should reread the Samin Nosrat book - I like how she puts things together.  A friend gave me a book by a woman who puts things together like that, and I tried a few ideas and I did not care for any of them, so the book is gone or I'd maybe reread it to try that again.  

So, I really do not like the haircut that I got.  It's not what I asked for and it's not what she did before.  It is not good and I think objectively looks bad.  Which tbh, is liberating.  I've felt tied to this stylist for two years because she took me in when she was overfull, and when she left for her own place I felt very strongly about supporting her.  But I see on this last appointment that she was overbooked, not leaving enough time for and between clients.  She wasn't on her game.  I wasn't either - I'm fuming about the state of affairs so have a dark cloud around me - but I wasn't rude to her or anything like that.  We talked as we do about politics and food and the like.  And I didn't see that this haircut is not even remotely what I wanted until it was too late.  

So now I feel free of having to continue my loyalty with her, since she's clearly doing ok and has a big customer base again.  I like the idea of beauty school students (thanks, Laynie!) and I'll try that, and I'll probably grow my hair long and cut it myself again eventually, after a painfully awkwardly long process of growing it out.  Messy bun life FTW. 

side hustles

 I would like to figure out side hustles for a little extra cash to put to paying off the house/building equity sooner, things completely different from what I do for a living (for some balance).  I toy with being an Instacart shopper a few hours per week, as I do actually quite like to go food shopping and I'm always curious what other people are buying since my purchases are so boring.  The problem is that I don't like driving, and I prefer my car be firmly tucked into my garage.  

Two ideas come to mind:

1. propagate and sell native plants

In theory at least, I should be able to propagate from the native plants that I already have, as they continue to grow.  I bought several native bushes from a fellow doing just this, which he seemed to be doing for a little side cash, and he worked it out really well - advertising on Facebook and having a few sale days.  I could do that.  The advantage to shoppers is that I can sell for cheaper - every plant I buy from my favorite nursery is $12/pot.  That's a ton of money.  If I sell for $5 instead, people could be interested.  I already have a ton of pots that i can reuse (and there are always people giving away more), and I also have way too much potting soil from my last load.  I have leftover lumber from projects that I could probably build shelving from, and I already have rooting hormone.  The only thing I'm really lacking is knowledge about how to do this.  My gaillardia seeds did not germinate unfortunately, but I have dozens of douglas aster taking over.  I cut branches from my green plum trees because Dear Friend is hoping to grow one in her yard, and those seem to be rooting as they're budding.  This would be a lot of trial and error, but this sort of thing is fun for me to learn - and I get to be outside, hands in dirt, supporting a mission I strongly believe in, and it's completely different from my job so bonus.  Even if I only sell like 40 plants, that's $200.  Why not?  

2. bake and sell whole grain, low-sugar foods  

This one has me a little more perplexed about how to market and how to scale up.  I bake two loaves of sourdough every few weeks (did a bit more recently to build whole wheat starter, and I'm tossing extra loaves in freezer), just for fun and because it's fucking magic.  I'm pleased with my whole wheat loaves - while they're heavier than those with white flour, they're soft and stay soft much longer.  I don't feel a lot of confidence that what I'm doing is "right" - I don't fuss with hydration percents and I probably under or overproof.  I just like it.  And friends have liked it, but they're polite.  And I like the desserts I've played with, sweetened only with dates.  There has to be a market for these types of things, but I'm not sure how to access it.  But I can keep trying.  Facebook might be the spot - I've noticed and even bought things that way (cherries, eggs, etc.).  And I can figure out better ways to scale up that isn't quite so demanding of my time (I don't want to give up my free time to being tied to an oven).  I could also include produce as my garden grows, and of course jams which I can't even stop myself from making if I tried.  This year I do really want to take some days off work when berry season is in full-swing to go pick, for less money.  I think I processed like four flats of organic strawberries last year, and each was like $50.  That's so much money, but they are SO fucking tasty, and in addition to jam I froze a heap and they have been wonderful to eat.  Within the last 24 hours, two friends have mentioned my jam - one is so sad that all I gave them is gone as her children loved it (and I gave them what I didn't particularly care for) that they invited me to make blueberry jam this weekend with them.  Another finished the blackberry jam I'd left in her fridge and saved the jar for me.  I'd been making jams without pectin which was a lot of fun to learn to do; I used to use Pomona pectin for low-sugar and that's what I'll do again this year, figuring out how to get the texture how I want.  One year in New Orleans a friend I made a huge batch of local strawberry and local honey jam - that was pretty tasty and I wonder if there would be a market for it here.  

Of course the real issue is that I want to keep my leisure time for leisure. My job is super demanding and exhausting.  But maybe side hustles would also be helpful for moving my mind off my job onto more immediately demands, like how to get the sourdough to rise on my timeline, or when the jam is at set point, or watering thirsty plants, or where to source jars.  

Oh!  There's a little farmers market out the road that I enjoy and when I looked into them, they have requirements for things being locally produced, but they didn't have a high fee to participate.  That might be worth looking into.  They seem to be hobbiests and it's not very busy, but it could be a nice way to spend a Saturday from time to time.  Oh, or maybe the food coop?  Hmmmm.  I only saw one locally-produced product there and it wasn't food.  But that may be worth looking into.  I could do small scale and when it's gone, it's gone.  Like four loaves of bread and maybe two dozen cookies per week, a few jars of jam at a time. OK, now this is worth thinking about. 

OK, errands ahead.  Dry cleaner (I have only one thing that i clean, and rarely, but it's time), a plant nursery way out the road for a native honeysuckle vine I've been coveting forever and is finally in stock, farmers market for greens, library. 

did the things/doing the things

 I braved high winds (more on that later) and biked to the food coop, did an hour of work (washing a bucket that had held peanut butter, taking out the trash - glamorous jobs like that), met a few people, did some shopping.  As I'd shopped, most things aren't that much better priced than much more convenient shopping options BUT there are a few things that I haven't seen other places - like cocoa butter (for making my own chocolate), cacao nibs, and a masala chai that smells delectable.  There was a chocolate bar with only 2g added sugar for a reasonable price (and ethically sourced) - which I hope is also tasty.  And I think the coffee is probably a good price with my volunteer discount ($10/# for ethical tasty coffee, which I think I usually see for more like $14/# - my hunch is that the coffee roaster is giving a steep discount to support the coop).  

So, I don't think it's going to be my #1 shopping spot, but I can plan to go there once a month or when I want special things.  I can probably volunteer during my lunch hour once every month or two, so I can keep getting a discount.  The produce looked really good and I got some cucumbers and carrots, and they have a variety of dates that I can choose from in the future.  Their bean and flour selection was surprisingly limited, and opening and pouring from the big jars was hard on my hands (which are hurting from yesterday's wiring up the berry patch).  

After being satisfied with setting up the little greenhouse, the wind kicked up and knocked it over.  All the little baby plants were thrown out of the pots.  Sigh.  Pick them up, try again.  

*** (next day)

I woke up a little earlier this morning (before 7), feeling a little more productive.  I biked to my favorite health food store, which I've not ever done before, and I'd not even had breakfast yet and it was "rush hour."  Actually the traffic wasn't bad but I'm still trying to figure out the best way to get there, considering bike routes and hills and traffic and convenience.  I spent $18 on millet, onions, sriracha (on sale), bulgur, dill.  Not too bad.  I plan to make red cabbage garbanzo peanut salad today, and a millet recipe on Sunday to serve with a pretty heritage bean I got a few months back.  Or maybe I'll make that today/tomorrow, and Sunday I'll make a bulgur tomato cabbage garbanzo dish.  Garbanzos and bulgur are such a good pairing.  Oh, and I have some Persian cucumbers I just got, so probably a quinoa salad with those and feta and such - and to use up the salad mix.  I understand that this is not at all low carb, to rely so heavily on beans and grains.  Maybe that's why I'm not losing weight?  But a keto diet is not for me, so if this is my set point for my weight, I guess so be it.  I can tinker with portion sizes and exercise.  I also add seeds and nuts and I'll likely add sardines to at least one of these dishes.  And usually greens are in there, or on the side.  I've been pretty good with eating greens at least a few times per week.  

There is also some sourdough getting ready to go into the oven soon.  Getting that whole grain content higher and higher towards 100%, and it is doing great.  I don't get so much ovenspring and that's ok - it's still great.  I think I have just one more batch and I'll finally be through the "artisan bread flour" (white) and the rye flour that I got over two years ago from a lovely Buy Nothing person (when I was in a different group).  I so love using things up!  

The dog has been soooo clingy this whole week off; any time I'm sitting she wants to sit hip to hip.  I've been sending her out to chase off pesky squirrels which are ripping up my garden.  

I plan another not very productive day, just puttering along.  Maybe read a bit, definitely want to get those smoke detectors installed.  Make cottage cheese.  

Oh!  And because it's just now 10 am and I've already been Very Productive, I get to have some wonderful smelling chai that I picked up yesterday at the coop.  It has caffeine in it, so is a treat for only before noon.  And no sweetener, natch, even though that's very not authentic.  The woman I was volunteering with said she quite likes it without any sweetener because the spices are already sweet, and I am likely to agree with her.  I made a dessert yesterday (to use up apples I canned, with an oat/nut topping), and I put in just 1 T of honey for the whole pan and it tasted too sweet to me.  I've been not eating much refined sugar at all, just dates and such.  Oh, that's another thing I'll make today - more cocoa energy balls with nuts, and I'll try hemp hearts today.  They're a very satisfying dessert that I can have just one and be done. 

another groggy morning but the big chores are done

 They're actually little chores, but I just needed to get them done.  

I set up a little greenhouse outside for the tender little starts.  After a couple of warm days, we'll be in the 40-50 range for the foreseeable future, with some dips into the 30s.  The "greenhouse" is just a rickety shelf contraption with a plastic cover, which I got last year for 50% off.  I didn't set it up last year as spring was a little warmer and I'd bring the plants in and out, and even set up a little grow light (also 50% off sale).  I keep the starts before they germinate in the window sill in little plastic pots with covers (also 50% off), then put them into somewhat larger pots until they're ready to go into the ground.  It helps extend the season by a couple of months for things like tomatoes and peppers, though I'm not sure that kale really needs to be started indoors as the advice says.  We'll see if this little greenhouse works.  If it does, I'll use it each spring until it falls apart and then replace what's needed (probably the plastic first; I would like to live a plastic-free life but building a glass enclosure is more than I want to take on right now).  It's just for a month or so, and I like not having to constantly bring them in and out and clutter my mudroom with shelving.  

Trying new things is a good sign that I'm not dead yet.  

Another thing I want to try is to stop leaf miners from decimating especially my chard and beets.  I've just planted those and I'm thinking probably row covers though I am resistant to buying anything.  

And next year, I want to start seeds without pots but also without having to buy the cool tools that make soil blocking easy.  I think I should be able to figure it out without spending money.  I really don't start that many seeds as my strong preference is to plant directly into the soil.  It's mostly peppers and tomatoes and cabbage (and this year kale) and herbs.  If in a pinch, I can always buy starts from countless growers in the area who have a good setup.  It is really magical though to go from seed to eating.  Germination is such fucking magic, I never get tired of it.  

I could also get covers to warm the soil more quickly in spring, but that seems like more plastic and expense for my very simple setup.  My goal is more to take great advantage of the growing season that I have, and to start sowing winter crops, and to make my own compost because I swear to god every time I buy garden soil or amendments it seems I get more pests.  

I'm psyching myself up to bicycle in the rain.  I just so do not want to drive to the food coop, and I want to go today for volunteering and purchasing.  I have the gear, though no good place to stash it once there, so it's a conundrum.  Oh, I need to find the waterproof bike seat cover - I haven't had to use that in years since covered bike parking is the norm in this town (which is wonderful), but the coop doesn't have covered bike parking unfortunately.  When I was a student, I would often carry a plastic bag and or washcloth to keep/dry the seat.  I felt really fancy when I picked up the waterproof cover on a sale long ago, and now I can justify using it.  I also have a really fancy waterproof pannier that I can use, but I don't really want to because I don't want to put it on the floor or in a cart while volunteering.  It's brand new and I don't want it to get dirty.  On the other hand, it is time to break it in so I can start using it.  I also have a good rainjacket that I'll wear, and boots, and even rainpants if I need them.  I have no excuse to not bike unless the wind really picks up.

Another thing I want to figure out for biking is how to carry a protest sign with a handle.  It's time to hit the street and join rallies, and there's one next weekend that I really want to commit to showing up for - it's time for us to push out of the comfort zone and unite to resist.  I can just go old school with a smaller piece of cardboard that I hold up, but that's not very attention grabbing and my arms get tired.   I could maybe rig up a sandwich board sign.  A little sandwich.  I've got some nice cord in my truck (that I always carry because I often need to tie things down).  And I have sharpies.  I might even have one in a color other than black, or maybe I can borrow one from work.  I think my slogan will read STOP KLEPTOCRACY.  I am so enraged about so many things with this regime and their unconscionable acts which are so numerous it's really hard to keep track of, but I think that the root is arrogant greed, so that's where I'm focused.  

I wonder if I'll see people I know at the protest.  That would be nice.  Or if I'm spotted by people who know me professionally, which would be less nice.  I'm in a conservative field and I'm pushing the bounds already, and I do not like attention.  But again, it's time to stop being comfortable and to start showing up.  

incentivizing frugality

 While I'm pretty much an internally-driven person, rewards can work for me.  Since trying to reduce spending, it's a little bit harder to find those things, but I think I've found a reward that can pay off.  

I now have about six months of expenses plus the costs of the patio refinish saved.  My only debt is my house, and it's a doozy of a debt.  (More on that below.)   Yes, I'm still watching Ramsey Show clips, so framing things that way in terms of the debt and steps.  

Last year, I wanted to snowball my mortgage payment essentially - I had planned to recast the loan each time I had $25,000 saved, so that the monthly payment would decrease and I could save that 25K even faster each round.  But then my loan sold to a different lender, and they charge to recast, like $250.  I'm not wasting $250 for the snowball psychology of reward.  

So then I thought I'll just keep saving up in a high-yield savings account, and that 3.7% will grow those funds until I can pay off, so I split my paycheck between the checking account that bills are paid from including mortgage (which is an account I am getting $800 rewards to use for a year - which is insane to me $800 free money just for opening and using and account for a year) and the savings account.  

But the interest rates are going to go down and they're not going to keep up with inflation.  And I know I'm only talking about maybe three to six years of it sitting there before I sell the house or pay it off, but I'm an impatient person. 

A question on the Ramsey Show got me rethinking this plan, and I think I've come up with a new one to keep me interested.  The amount that goes into my checking account for bills each month is for my budget amount plus cushion, because cushion makes me comfortable.  I would never want to overdraft an account.  Usually as the cushion gets bigger, I divert back into savings.  

But instead, I'll start paying it directly to the mortgage.  I keep track of every transaction and do a reconciliation at the end of each month, so I know exactly how much I spend each month and how that lines up with the budget.  I will subtract the amount spent over the previous month from the amount deposited from paycheck, and the difference will be an extra principal payment each month.  

By making extra principal payments, I will see the principal balance of my house drop more quickly, which hits the reward center of my brain.  It's not the strongest hit, but it's a hit.  I will see the connection between frugality and outright home ownership, which will hopefully keep me motivated every time I take my lunch to work instead of eating out, choose inexpensive food items, bicycle instead of drive, forgo consumer spending, do things for myself instead of hiring out, shop around for less expensive insurance and other needed products, etc. etc.  

And once I have more of a nest egg in case of some unexpected issue like needing to move and put a downpayment on a house before I can sell this one, I can increase the amount of those extra principal payments to the entirely of the difference between what I earn and what I spend.  

I've owned maybe eight different houses in my life, and only one did I own outright, and goddamn I loved that feeling.  I bought it for like $42,000 and then spent a ton of mine and Dear Friend's money to fix it up, and wrecked my wrists through the scraping of texture off all the walls, but it was mine and I loved that house in the "bad part" of New Orleans.  I'm perfectly fine making my own insurance and tax payments.  There is something so liberating about not owing the bank for my housing, and so focusing on that can hopefully help get me through the unpleasantness of being a wage slave in a toxic workplace. 

Regarding this house loan being a doozy of a debt, that's only really because I spent my youth perhaps irresponsibly.  I mean, I never drove up consumer debt (though I had some massive student loans) and I spent within my means, but I would work awhile and then take off a big chunk of time to travel, fix up a house, etc.  If I had stayed teaching, I'd be just about retired now with a full pension.  But I have no regrets - I knew at the time that I would have to work longer when older because I was enjoying myself when young.  So that's where I am now, with not a ton of equity in a house in an expensive community.  The house cost me triple what my house in New Orleans cost me, and that had an attached apartment that covered much of my mortgage - when I had a roommate (and the house was better set up for that), I was living for cheaper than free.  This house though, it's just a huge chunk of mortgage each month and that's depressing.  So now that I have most of my projects done, I want to really focus on paying the damn thing down.  

Frugality though is to be weighted with life enjoyment.  For instance, I'm getting my hair cut today, which costs $100.  I like my stylist and want to support her and her decision to price tip-inclusive.  I really really like having very short hair, but it gets so shaggy if I don't get it cut regularly, which is quite an expense.  I'm not going to pay $100 every two months - plus, I like her a lot, but it's kind of an exhausting experience for me, to have my hair cut.  It takes a lot of spoons.  So in the past, I had just let my hair grow and I cut it myself - I went a couple of years, maybe more, not seeing a professional.  But I don't look great with long hair, and I find it a both to have to wash and dry it, etc.  I so love the quickness of the pixie cut - it so much better fits my lifestyle, except not the frugality part of my lifestyle.  So, I have to figure this out, and what I'll do today.  Just trim it up to grow out, or pixie cut it to feel free, or somewhere in the middle that is more forgiving of haircuts only every few months?  Because while in many ways I live like I'm poor, I'm actually not poor, and what is money for if not to enjoy things like short hair? 

meanwhile, in the garden

 My fruit trees are blossoming and things are looking good.  Grapes are starting to bud so I need to get on tying them back up again and cutting back as they go crazy.  Speaking of crazy, the kiwi is budding and that thing will take over the world, so I'm ready.  Man I'll be excited if it ever produces.  Yum.  

In the side yard, I've got several garden beds.  There is a big row of favas and another of garlic.  I planted waaaay too much garlic, and I use it A LOT.  I'll probably learn to preserve it such as garlic powder.  One of the garlic rows should be scaping soon and I look forward to that.  Yum.  There's a more permanent row that now houses berries, and I need to get the wire up for support as they're leafing.  Then the other vegetable beds are ready - one I put in some cilantro at the end and think then kale and not sure what else.  I've got peas and turnips and vit and carrots (I got some shorties); a whole heap of onions and some lettuces and spinach and such in between the rows.  One whole empty row, probably mostly will be chard and beets that will go in soon, and today I moved mulch and scavenged tall sticks and I think I'll put in a tripod and plant beans around that area, in between the gooseberries and raspberries.  I'll move my last mountain of mulch (and i need more; it's been breaking down so nicely) and put in a row there, too.  I've started tomatoes and cabbage and peppers.  In mid-May I'll be able to plant the beans, squash (summer and plenty of winter for storage), and cucumbers.  If I have space left, I may put in another row for black turtle beans to dry.  I've only grown drying beans once before - they were cowpeas in New Orleans, and some vermin just devastated that, it was creepy.  

This year I will grow fewer tomatoes, as I felt overwhelmed when they came in and I had so much to do with preserving them.  No corn this year because it needs a lot of space and I don't actually like corn all that much compared to other vegetables.  Fewer peas because same - I don't like them nearly as much as Friend does, but I like them some.  And I have been doing a good job with clearing freezer space so I can do that.  I have appreciated the produce throughout the winter from my garden last year.  I think I'll freeze even more kale this year, as that was really nice to have ready to toss into various dishes.  

Wait, do I not have collards to plant?  Oh, I need those.  Maybe that can go in next to the kale.  I learned a lot of good things from living in the South, like an appreciation for collards.  

Once the favas and garlic are harvested in like June/July, I'll rotate those beds to winter crops.  That is going to be a big money saver for me, if i can be picking greens much of the year.  

I'll start some seed saving this year, maybe the peas and beans and cilantro.  I'll learn more to save more seeds, but I think that will also require me to not plant so many varieties of things like winter squash, so I'll figure out my favorites.  Probably buttercup squash - they're a nice size and taste.  I like kuri and some others quite a lot, but if I have to choose one.  

My garden beds are just some garden soil on top of woodchips and compacted depleted soil.  It's a long-term project to improve this soil, and I'm doing my part. 

it all tastes better when you're hungry

 A couple of days ago I made a big lentil salad with feta and walnuts and vegetables.  It had such high reviews on-line, and I found it not tasty.  Like, not even worth fussing with to improve.  It just tasted like lentils, which I like, but I need something else to carry them.  

I'm working on getting through all the food in my fridge and planning for the next couple of weeks of food prep to shop at the food coop, and there it was.  So this morning I put it in a pita and it tasted better.  Why?  Because I was hungry.  But it didn't taste so good that I'd want to eat it again, and so I packed up the rest of it in reused containers and schlepped over to the food pantry with some other packaged food items nearing expiration (like, I won't use them in the next couple of months, but somebody else can).  

A man was standing there looking through some non-food items that had been left there and said, "Is that cottage cheese?"  "No, I reuse the containers.  It's lentil salad."  "What kind of salad?"  "Lentil."  "Oooooo, that sounds good," he said, and I handed him a container.  "You are more than welcome to it."  I opened the fridge to put the other container in, and it was empty but for a banana.  "Glad I stopped by," I said.  He was, too. And I'm really glad I didn't just toss out food that wasn't to my usual standard though is certainly edible and nutritious and tastes better than almost any restaurant food you can buy in this town.   

In completely unrelated news, I cleaned my dishwasher filter and it was disgusting.  I sure do love my dishwasher and I'm glad I went with a Bosch because it is really great.  It is so quiet when it's clean (it makes noise when things are trapped in the filter; otherwise it's just a gentle sound of water).  I wiped down the edges and I'm running it now with a cleaning capsule, and it'll be good to go.  

In other things I love, my composter seems pretty great.  I got a used Aerobin for a good price, and it's heating up nicely.  I threw in cornstalks from last year that hadn't broken down, and food waste, and it's cooking.  I'll throw in some shredded paper and cardboard.  Glad I got it, so far so good.   

I need to clean out the back of my truck - I have the last bit of potting soil to deal with.  I'm pretty much out of containers for it - having filled every old compost bag and large container.  I guess I'll fill up small containers and leave them around, ready to be used.  I could easily give it away but it's just a hassle with flaky people and such.  But yes, I need to finish that task for sure today.  Sheets and work clothes are drying on the line; after today it's supposed to get cold and wet again, so I want to take full advantage.  I was just scoping out the backyard and I think I'll set up the clothesline differently so it's not right by the patio.  

It looks like another nice day of staying home and going nowhere.  I'll stack errands tomorrow around getting my hair cut.  Unless I feel like biking to any of them today - unfortunately tomorrow there are some storm warnings so it'll be a car day.  I'll also use that reason (using it for errands) to keep my car in the driveway and work on cleaning the garage.  There's not really that much to do, but I need to stack things that have been tossed (like flats and boxes where I'd kept winter storage vegetables, which I'm proud to have not wasted).  Maybe put boards up in the attic so I can stash things there.  Sort through the last of the project recycling and trash, but be strategic because I think I'm going to change trash haulers to a company that will pick up my garbage only every other week, saving me about $8/month.  Unless I have something exciting going on, I usually only create 1-2 small bags of trash per week, and half of that is dog crap.  I just don't create much garbage on my usual life, especially since I try to reduce packaging.  So why not save almost $100 per year?  Added bonus is that I'll be moving to the major trash hauler, and they'll not forget to pick up my glass recycling (which is very scant since I reuse things like jars so much, but occasionally I do need it picked up, and they always just disregard it unless I call).  

My poor dog is so tired - she's trying to stay vigilant but her eyes are heavy.  It's hard work patrolling the yard and keeping a stupid person safe.  I kept the side yard gate open since I'm around and working, which just essentially doubled her patrol work, and then I saw a squirrel in the yard and opened the door yelling at her to get it, and that was quite a sprint.  Fucking squirrels and their fucking peanuts everywhere.  

OK, time to go clean out the truck bed and find where to put all this damn potting soil.  

next steps

 This week off was to get a heap of things done and I'm moving only slowly, but that's ok.  the carpenter isn't available for another month and a half so we'll see what I can get done before then.  He charges a reasonable rate and doesn't waste time, but of course it's less expensive for me to do it myself - so long as I don't fuck it up and have to end up paying more to fix.  

Not sure why, but I am obsessed with my exit strategy from here, from preparing the house to selling to saving up as much possible, to exactly what date I can quit, etc.  So much is dependent upon the dog, whom I promised would not have to move again.  She has always been fine wherever we land so long as with me, but it is really hard on us both to move.  Things will be so much easier when there is no more dog, but I don't want to sound morbid or cruel.  I love my dog and committed to care for her for her entire life, which I will not shorten.  She's very healthy for an old dog - she's probably about 10 1/2 years old - and when I started giving her cosequin all limping went away.  Her fur is starting to change to show her age more, but she usually doesn't smell like old dog.  She's alert and ready to attack any bear.  She sleeps well but she always has.  There is probably a high likelihood that she will live another five years or more.   I've been kind of stuck on that because I don't want to be trapped here, focused on every possibility of her mortality.  That sounds horrible.

So I'll make various plans with the plan to stay in this town so long as the dog is alive.  If I can stay aggro frugal, in about three years I should have made some good financial progress.  I should have over half of the remaining balance on my mortgage loan saved which i can recast or refinance if interest rates have dropped a lot and I can get a good deal (and it seems like I'll be here quite awhile).  I can start sniffing around for other jobs in the area that are less intense and demanding, perhaps in a different field, likely with a drastic pay cut.  If I can keep the aggressive frugality and markets turn upward, at four years I should have enough in my retirement accounts to start thinking about retirement, though again I would probably want to do something to pay my basic expenses.  Perhaps I can find something remote, part-time, and enjoyable to do - that would be very good.  Barring that, I will be able to fully retire once I have my retirement accounts funded at what I'm expecting in four years, my house is paid off, and I have enough saved for three years of expenses.  That will probably take me through 2030, which is a long fucking time to stay where I am, but I'll keep my eye on the prize.  If the dog dies before then, i can really focus on where I want to go next.  I'm making a list of places to check out.  I'll probably want to spend quite some time visiting with friends and in places I haven't been yet, and then settle into an intentional community.  I'll likely need to visit a lot of them to find the right fit.  

An intentional community can provide the things that I need as I age - I want to be physically active but not to be fully responsible.  I don't want to homestead alone, but I want to pitch in and help with shared focus.  I want people to be around and paying attention, but not to be right in my airspace all the time.  I want to contribute to the greater good and to have people I can easily ask to step over and give me a hand with lifting something heavy and whom I can share food with.  These sorts of connections are often forged when people live in a community for a long time, or when they have social skills.  I do not have good social skills, and the older I get the worse they are.  I am not making new friends and frankly a lot of that is because I don't really care for people.  I'm not relationship-oriented, never really have been - though I used to be able to fake it a lot better.  I just can't - or won't - fake things any more.  I"m not mean or that stereotypical cranky old lady (usually), but people are fucking exhausting.  And ideally there is a community for me somewhere in the world where I feel at home and click with people and also can recharge with alone time.  It is just going to take me time to find it.  So once there is no more dog, that will be my mission, to find the place for me.

For many years, I thought that place was New Orleans.  And it could have been, but life is hard there, really hard, and my health isn't what it used to be.   

OK, so now I've put my goals and plans down in writing, hopefully I can stop perseverating and just move through it. 

maybe I shouldn't trust my memory

 And maybe I have more potting soil than I realize.  Sigh.  I actually have two very large pots full from previous stocking ups, so when i put some twigs on the bottom (to get through my huge pile of prunings, and to make the pots not so wicked heavy), I need a whole lot less potting soil than I just got (1/4 cu yard).  Oh well, I have a few compost bags and such that I can fill up, and lots of smaller pots.  I'm sure I'll have more things to plant in pots someday, like those vegetable starts in my window.  

+1.0

 Well, that is quite disheartening to gain a full pound this past week, according to the scale.  I haven't had any major splurges this week except for a burrito one day when I was very hungry and bicycling in a downpour.  No desserts but for trying some oat sourdough bars that I took to an event (which weren't very good) and a chia seed pudding, both of which had minimal sweetener.  I've had some dried pears and nuts as snacks.  I  know dried fruit can spike glucose but I have busy trees and I'm not going to stop eating what they produce. 

I did feel my thyroid dying back on one side so that's likely the explanation (it cycles - it gets overactive then dies back to low level).  And science backs this up with testing results of thyroid and metabolism - I have a slower than normal metabolism with a much larger appetite perhaps because of how inefficiently I burn fuel for my brain. 

It's just frustrating, remembering again that I will likely not ever be able to lose weight to the level I would like.  Even extreme measures would probably be met with my body's resistance.  So, I guess I'll stay here at this level.  STay focused on vegetables and movement.  Maybe once my body's weight resets here (instead of the 20 pounds heavier), I'll be able to move the needle again slowly.  I guess the silver lining is that I don't have to buy more clothes if I can't lose more weight.  

And now, I do not ever intend to use those weight loss injections or stomach stapling or anything else like that.  I'm not morbidly obese, I"m just heavier than I would like because I think losing weight would help my foot arthritis.  

Sigh.  Off to walk the dog and feel sorry for myself. 

things coming together, and not

 I finally dealt with my truck today, since tomorrow is Dog Walk Day and she still has not ever been in my car and I'd like to keep it that way.  (Side note: I almost fetishize new things, expecting them to look new forever.  My car, my oven, my dishwasher, my new toilet, etc. etc.  I struggle transitioning to lightly used.)  I jump started it - a handy device I'm very glad I purchased some time ago - and let it run and then drove to Costco.  After a mile or two, all the lights came back on.  My battery was DEAD DEAD.  Which is why when I jump started it the other day but didn't have time for a drive, it immediately died again.  

Grateful that it started up again after getting gas, then again after the Costco run (I got out with only $28, which everyone marveled at, but I'm full of self-restraint right now), then again after the supermarket. It seems good, and there was a dome light that came on - I have no idea when or how I would have turned it on, but ok.  Maybe I ran out my battery by leaving that on.  Maybe the dog hit it and I didn't realize it.  Maybe it's NOT just turning itself on to run the battery out after only two days.  I'm back to keeping all the auxiliary things off, and if this can make it last so long as there is a dog, I will be grateful.  But I am putting no more money into the truck except gas and oil changes (at long intervals).  It's mostly just a money pit at this point.  When the dog dies, I'll donate it for a tax write-off, if it lives that long.  

But tomorrow I'll use it to transport dog and then I'll get potting soil.  I'm going to gather every large pot I have and plant my potatoes in those.  I found seed potatoes today at the supermarket and I nabbed them - I haven't had good luck finding them.  They're the yellow potatoes, my favorite, and non-GMO, so that works for me.  I'm annoyed that Friend ate all the potatoes that I planted at her house and didn't (a) share or (b) save any for seed.  Her brain doesn't work like mine.  So I had to spend $12 on seed potatoes today but at least I have them, and I've just cut them up and hope to plant tomorrow or the next day.  Anyway, I'm glad I saw them and got them and hoping they're fine.  This reminds me of a super goofy photo I have of the dog and Friend from like five years ago when we were here for a couple of weeks on our way moving north, and the dog was SO HAPPY to be out of the truck after thousands of miles, and Friend dug up a bunch of potatoes, and they're both posing so cheesy.  It's the silliest photo, I should find and print and frame it.  

Errands in time of renewed frugality were a success.  I watch snippets of the Dave Ramsey show to inspire me, even though I'm at like Step 6 which is not really the rice and beans stage.  I have my emergency fund (up to about four-five months of expenses), I have no debt except mortgage,  I'm saving like 1/3 of my income to retirement, I don't have children for a college fund.  I'm at Step 6: pay off house early.  (Not that I've ever followed him really, but it's a little motivation to kick into gear.)

Another thing that worked out is that instead of having to drive four hours to Ikea, they're going to pick up my return this week, and they've already credited me the full amount.  I was going to drive to avoid the pickup fee, but they're apparently not charging me that.  The guy was super nice and helpful.  So much nicer than driving.  Plus, the other errand that I wanted to do along the way - they closed down a couple of weeks ago.  So, that saves me a day, doing something I quite dislike (driving), and I save heaps of money because I won't then spend a bunch more money at Ikea.  

There are always new things to do and learn, and after years, I just converted my sourdough starter to whole wheat.  I'm not sure why I didn't do it before, and I'd read cautionary tales, but it's been doing banger and it's ready for me to shape and then bake.  I'm now up to about 91% whole grain (wheat, rye, oats).  I have some white flour to use up so I put a little in.  I'm thrilled my whole wheat starter is so vigorous.  It's a very hearty loaf I'm making, but I'm sticking to the plan (avoiding refined carbs).  I always make the same recipe, just adjusting for kitchen temp differences, and when I had my grain mill I used to toss in various ground grains to use them up, and I don't know why.  You'd think I'd want to try different things, but I really don't.  I also don't get into any of that hydration talk or any of that, I don't cut the loaves or use the wicker rising bowls - nothing fancy.  I do use a scale and toss things in to the total quantity, and I call it good.  Sometimes I get a flat loaf but that's ok.  Usually it turns out perfectly.  

The weather is supposed to turn nice today for a couple of days so I need to power through some outdoor work.  AFter I take the dog for a walk because it's Sunday funday.  The ticks are probably starting to emerge now, which is my least favorite.  It's supposed to get cold again though I don't know if below freezing.  I'll put up the laundry line today and use the next three days to wash a lot.  This isn't like New Orleans where I can line dry year round - it gets so soggy in winter here - so I put it up and take it down.  There's also a big pile of pruned branches right in the middle that I need to continue to take care of.  I like outdoor chores, and so does the dog - at least the ones that she can join me for (unlike when I'm using a wheelbarrow and unloading from truck to backyard).  

I'm glad that Sanders and Ocasio-Cortez are out on their tour - I would happily go see them.  I have felt for years that Democrats have been hyper-factionalizing.  Hearing so many people dismissive and angry about "Bernie Bros" among others.  It has led us to where we are today.  So Bernie wasn't my favorite candidate but I would have happily voted for him. We seem to all want everything to be exactly our way - I saw this a lot in Louisiana politics.  Democrats bashing John Bel Edwards for being anti-abortion, and now they have fucking Jeff Landry who is evil incarnate.  John Bel is a conscientious person whom I do not always agree with but I will take him over almost anyone for Louisiana governor.  That he won two terms in such a conservative state is magical, but people wanted to criticize everything about him and urge not voting for him.  What the hell.  Such short-sighted narcissism to think that our candidates have to be exactly what we want.  

And now we are facing the destruction of democracy and civilization. 

Perhaps it's my complete lack of control of the world's* (by world I mean the United States and Israel and some other places like Russia and Turkey - not the whole world) descent into madness that has me hyperfocused on what I can control.  I can't change climate policy, but I can bicycle a lot and eat legumes instead of meat.  I can't stop the tax cuts to billionaires at the expense of the poor - whom I pay taxes for, thankyouverymuch - but I can cut my own spending and not support those billionaires, while spending money to support those whom I support, such as alternative news sources like ProPublica, and people on the ground like World Central Kitchen.  I'm horrified at Israel's latest assault on Gaza - I've been horrified all along, and this is a next level of cruelty during Ramadan - and I feel that I can do nothing to change it, so I send a little money to help feed people there.  There's a protest in a couple of weeks that I'll show up to - we really need people to hit the streets.  Solidarity is how we will get out of this horrible mess. 

interpersonal barrier

 I went to volunteer, and ... I may be an even bigger introvert than I'd realized.  I wasn't able to make chit chat and avoided all those people, and I was very happy to just be in a task and not have to talk with anybody besides directions.  And now I feel out of sorts for the day because I used up all my people spoons.  

So, yeah.  I'm not quite sure how I'm going to make more friends when spending time around people who haven't already been friends for decades bleeds me dry of life force, but I'll keep trying I guess. 

I biked, it rained, I did not melt

 I really did not want to drive to my appointment across town, so I kept watching the weather radar and went in to the office for a few hours first, trying to time my bicycling when not raining.

I failed.  

I got pretty drenched and it wasn't fun, but I survived, and it was a good reminder that rain shouldn't stop me from bicycling.  And I own rainpants and boots, even if I wasn't wearing them today.  

It's ok for short trips; I still don't want to bike the 20 minutes to the other office in a downpour.  Even though I've done it before (30+ years ago when I went to college).

The food coop I was learning was a bit disappointing - not a lot of products, not extremely good prices, not very convenient - unlike just filling my bags with products, I'd need to carry all my containers to fill up, and wash the scoops myself.  There's very little parking and most of it requires payment, and the bike parking isn't covered.  It's only open two days per week, and not on a weekend. 

But maybe food purchasing doesn't need to be convenient - maybe it should be an event.  Tbh, I"m not sure.  Supermarkets here are so overwhelming, and I don't buy most of the products.  I would buy most things sold at the food coop - from adzuki beans to tofu to leeks.  But I'm so used to navigating around and avoiding our ultraprocessed lives - my refrigerator and cupboards are mostly very not processed.  

And I have a favorite health food store which is super convenient - right between Friend's house and mine, and on the way back from Sunday morning dog walk.  They have bags (though encourage me to bring my own containers) and scoops I don't have to wash myself, and the prices seem pretty equivalent, and that health food store has been locally owned and operated for decades - no Jeff Bezos getting my food dollars. 

So is it the vibe of connecting to other people in a shared food mission?  I don't know.  It didn't really feel that vibe but maybe I just wasn't seeing it.  Is it to avoid more container waste?  Sure, but I've also reduced that through reusing containers and bags.  Is it easy access to organic healthy foods?  For sure, but i already kind of navigate that with other options that are so much more convenient.  The co-op has their products in big glass jars, and those can be unwieldy for my hands, and I fear I will drop them on says when my hands aren't strong.  

I just wonder if I'm missing something, because there were quite a lot of people there shopping.  I like the vibe of all volunteer-run, but the products are still purchased from places that have employees.  I wonder if it's leftover from the many years ago it formed, when it was needed.  I've lived in many places that need something like this, but we have so many other options here for healthy food.  

I've been thinking a lot about if I should give up my Costco membership, but I think the problem is not Costco, it's me.  It's too easy to pick up more than is on my list, and when it's more, it's SO MUCH MORE.  I have a two-pound bag of hemp hearts that I have no idea what to do with - I think it was in a recipe I read but don't remember what.  I spend way too much money on most trips to Costco, and I think that's just discipline.  I am making my list of "these are things that I can buy at Costco" like Kerry Gold butter and cheese, almonds and pecans, feta and parmesan (both of which I cut into smaller portions and freeze), salmon and tuna, olive oil and short-grain brown rice (which I freeze and work through five pounds very slowly).  And the glass storage containers - I'll pick up another set next time it's on sale because I really like it.  But I sometimes get lured in by other things like rugs and worm compost and bowls and ... just a lot.  I spend too much money at Costco.  So I'm going to try to limit myself - only go every couple of months and stick to my list.  i pay about $32/year for the membership because I split with a friend, and I save way more than the $3/month just on gas and tuna.  I will better interrogate myself about quantities - if I should get the big bottle of olive oil, big jar of olives, etc. - or if I should refill smaller containers at the food coop.  Maybe I just plan to shop at the food coop once every month or two, just for a few things.  A few things at Costco, a few at the coop, a few at the farmers market, a few at the local supermarket (my favorite oranges are on sale now, cara cara), a few at my favorite health food store, a few at Trader Joe's (I like their farro best), a few at the grain mill, eggs from a coworker, and heaps from my garden. 

And I'm detailing every single purchase now until I get a good sense of where all my money is going.  I understand inflation, but still I'm not sure how I'm spending over $500/month on food and household products.  I am probably spending $15/month on sparkling water, which can get cut back.  I get the store brand on sale, but I can also just drink water from my filter and it's probably better for me in numerous ways.  I'm spending a lot on chocolate because it's hard to find products with 3 grams or less of sugar and they're expensive, and maybe I start making more of my own chocolate products with cocoa powder (chia pudding, energy balls, etc.) for that fix.  I don't want to live without chocolate entirely.  Oh, I need to figure out a protein boost cheaper than a Chomps meat stick, which I've come to rely on too heavily.  

OK, time to start rolling with the day.  I'm going to go volunteer at a plant event and maybe get a cherry tree.  I'm going to try to recharge my truck's battery and make a Costco run for gas.  I'm going to cook white beans and make soup with kale and a parmesan rind, and make a salad to eat with salmon.  I have a week off from work and a long to-do list.  I've now been at my job for over two years, which means I'm 40% of the way through the time I feel that I really must stay there for financial reasons.  

Ugh, it looks like my computer is deleting files on me for reasons I do not understand.  Things that I use regularly, like seed planting and such.  This is not ok.  Booooo.

hippie out

 In a roundabout way today, I learned of a food co-op that might fit into my life nicely.  It's similar to a food co-op in a town where I lived many years ago, where volunteering for a certain amount of time earns a discount.  ITs primary distributors are some that I'm very familiar with from being in buyers' clubs elsewhere.  

I like this even more than the inexpensive employee-owned supermarket I "discovered" last weekend with Dear Friend's kid's friends who are poor college students.  I can still go there for some things, but having a co-op that I can get a significant discount on and bike to - um, yes please.  My inner hippie approves.  Though, I'd have to gird my loins to shop there in non-summer months, as it has quite limited hours that would require me to ride after dark.  Again, as I've said numerous times to myself and here, I deserve all the safety equipment that I need and no holding back on that.  I just get sticker shock at nice bike lights, frankly.  

Today I biked to work and it is just so much nicer than driving. So. Much. Nicer.  I hate everything about the parking structure - paying for it, that plastic carcinogenic receipt material, the smell, the way my car gets dinged - all of it.  With biking, I can just pull up right to my office back door and there is covered bike parking.  There are even TWO covered bike parking spots right there, but I like mine underneath the stairwell that I can see from my office window.  Not that I look anymore.  When I first started, a colleague said the first time she tried biking to work, somebody tried to steal her bike, so I was concerned.  I've since realized she has a fancy electric bike that is worth stealing.  Mine is now well-used and wasn't expensive to begin with, and I got a very nice lock for REI (upgrading from Krypton which wasn't opening properly), and I don't think anybody has any interest in my bike.  And I think about how much money it saves me - basically $5/day on average just in parking that I bike.  I paid $384 for my bike (just looked it up). That's 77 days of biking.  Between here and last place, I think I've biked more days than 77, and I have no signs of stopping. 

I'm really trying to cut spending, and food is one of the few budget categories with any give.  House repairs and garden are the others.  My biggest expense - about 60% of my budget - is my mortgage and utilities.  And I have a cheap cell phone plan ($25/month), my house stays between about 60 and 62 during winter, and my electricity and water usage is far below the American average (I hang clothes to dry, that sort of thing).  The only wiggle room I would really have that would make any difference if I'm to lose income is to rent rooms out in my house, which I really don't want to do. It's so challenging with my dog, and also I just really like living alone.  I'm selfish and like things my way.  But I guess if shit goes down and it's between that and something worse, i can live with roommates again. 

Also, I need to make more friends.  I dont' have high hopes for the food co-op, because the only time I made friends that way was in New Orleans, and other times not at all, but I need to figure activities where I will meet people and may like some of them.  I've been so focused on work and house repairs, and now it's time to transition to a new stage.  

dreary Sunday

 Yesterday was not very productive in terms of checking through the to-do list (though I did bake bread, make yogurt, and make a hominy casserole and took servings to share, so I wasn't totally lazy).  But, I spent quite a lot of time honing in on my senators and representative - finding out about townhalls, sending my opinion on some things.  I did many of the actions on the Americans of Conscience checklist, did my reading on some issues, read part of the latest Mother Jones, read part of Mutual Aid.   Catching up on things of being in this world, not in a bubble.  It's scary and gritty out there, y'all. 

Today though I should turn back to what's in front of me.  Cleaning and projecting and such.  The apocalypse isn't quite here yet, and when it is I'd like my laundry to be washed and put away.  

OK, there's flooding including of streets and rivers.  It's not just me thinking this is a soggy time - it's actually been a ton of rain.  And wind - another panel is about to get ripped off my patio.  I don't think that this type of weather will last for weeks, but I'm bummed that rain is forecast for my week off work.  Last time it was raining hard and I went to get compost, it was so miserable - so waterlogged and heavy, hard to move, etc.  But, I have a lot of things on my to-do list that are indoors or outdoors light (things that i can do in breaks of rain, like run the wire around the berry patch posts).  And then when the weather turns nice again, I can spend my evenings and weekends focused on the outdoor tasks.  Of course all of this also depends on when I can get a free load of arborist woodchips - they dump without warning.  

I'm a bit annoyed with Friend - she came over unannounced on Friday when I was working, let herself into the garage (which is very dangerous as the dog could escape if not contained with advance knowledge), and was trying to engage in chit-chat when I was trying to work, then poking at things that are not to be touched by dirty hands (like my prescribed eye mask).  She had minor surgery last week and I did my duty of checking in on her, being the emergency contact, etc.  It was outpatient and she didn't need a ride but I still made sure she was ok.  She was complaining about swelling and such mere hours after the surgery, and she's just been whining about it since.  When she was here I noted that there was extensive bleeding at the incision site, and she was dismissive about it.  She was just acting weird, and I had a foreboding feeling of, "Oh god, is this what it will be like when she retires?"  I am not going to be ok with that, and I already need to put boundaries into place apparently.  

MOre flood watch and warnings keep popping up, so I am not needing to go out again.  Though, it seems like there will be less heavy rain tomorrow so I may force myself to bicycle to the office.  I also want to cruise by a multifamily property for sale.  I know that I do not need to buy a property but it caught my eye. 

that refrigerator

Over the past few weeks, the little free refrigerator in my neighborhood has been completely empty every time I've gone over.  So, I've felt responsibility to stock it up as I can, and I've been going over almost every day.  For the past two years I've usually seen two types of things in it: (1) food bank type foods/ingredients, nearing expiration and in large quantities, and (2) large quantities of prepared foods in restaurant-type takeaway containers, put together by various organizations and individuals, such as sandwiches.  

Tonight for the first time I saw a refrigerator near full with items like what I usually take - leftovers from meals in reused containers with labels.  Other people are sharing their meals, and that didn't used to happen here.  

The other thing I"ve noticed over the past week or so is that the refrigerator isn't usually completely empty.  It looks like a refrigerator in a house and people come and take what they want.  They don't empty the whole thing, they look around and take what fits their fancy.  Tonight there was a serving of dinner and a serving of dessert that I'd taken over yesterday, along with various soups and other things people had put in there.  

This seems more sane somehow, that people can just open the fridge like they do in their own kitchen, except they don't have a kitchen right now, so our kitchens are stepping in. I like it.  And also, I don't need to keep making triple batches of recipes to share, if we're all sharing.  

I'm not saying that my way is the only way.  Obviously there is benefit to food banks and soup kitchens.  But I will say that most homecooked meals handily trump those for nutritional value.  

-0.6

 This weight loss has slowed a lot.  Scale says I'm down 0.6 pounds from two weeks ago (I missed weigh-in last week).  At least that's the direction I want to be going, but damn that's some slow progress.  

On the other hand, I'm eating how I can do it more sustainably than a "diet."  I'm eating those carbs, not strictly denying myself.  I mean, I'm not going to bakeries and not picking up candy at the checkstand, but I'm eating bites of sweets. I think my portion size is decreasing as well.  I saw an article on NPR about how our bodies are so hardwired for sugar that we'll consume massive amounts of dessert even when we're full and I know that feeling so hard. 

The other morning I was singing a mash-up of "Candy" by Cameo and "Poison" by Bill Biv DeVoe.  Has my subconscious finally recognized that sugar is toxic to me?  

Poor doggo is begging for a walk, but it's raining so hard.  Standing water all over.  Blah.  Well, we'll go out at least for a little, I guess, and then I can pick up onions to cook with. 

better when biking

 It is rainy now, but I still contemplated biking for my morning errands of library and farmers market ... until I was offered a puzzle sorting tray set, which I did not want to get wet or messed up, and so I drove.  But I felt dirty about it.  Driving my gas car when it's avoidable makes me feel dirty.  I like living this close to downtown, only a mile and a half or so away, and there is zero reason for me to drive, really.  

But, I'm excited about the puzzle sorting trays!  Now I can feasibly puzzle without it taking over my whole table.  I like my Buy Nothing group sometimes.  (A lot of times it's frustratingly flaky, and it's not nearly so active as it should be; rarely with good stuff, and people trying to just rid of their trash.)

This morning I heated up milk to make yogurt and contemplated why I do that.  It tastes better, less expensive.  How much less expensive?  Well, I buy a half gallon of organic, ethical milk for about $5-$6.  That is about the same cost of a quart of my favorite yogurt I can buy in the store.  so, it's half the price.  And I'm not generating a lot of plastic waste with all those tubs, AND what I make and put into pint jars lasts quite a lot longer than what I buy in the store and have to use up pretty quickly.  

Sourdough bread is an easier calculation.  It costs maybe $3 to make two loaves - I bought my organic local flour for less than $1/pound in bulk and it takes two pounds for the recipe; add in salt and electricity and  I get to maybe $3, which is $1.50 per loaf.  It's very hard to find a whole wheat sourdough, and the closest I can find is about $9/loaf.  That is a massive savings.  And yes, if I count my time, it's a lot more - but making bread is a hobby that I enjoy. 

Jam is similar - make my own because I want to better control the ingredients, and the local berries are fantastic, and I enjoy making it.  

So then today I was thinking about making my own cottage cheese.  I do like to eat it and it's a nice source of protein.  Looks like it's not hard to make, but there's a ton of whey produced and I'm not sure I can easily use that all up.  Maybe I can - I can cook grains in it, add it to soups, bake bread with it, etc.  So yes, maybe I'll give it a try.  

Farmers market was fine and I picked up some apples to put into a salad with local wild greens, some kale and mustard greens to cook with collards along with the ground beef I picked up for sukuma wiki (Kenyan greens and ground beef).  That was my $20, though actually $21, so I overspent by a dollar.  I still would have been happier if I'd biked.  I returned a book to the library and picked up another, on seed saving.  I used to own the book and gave it away at some point; wanted to look at it again to see if I want to buy it again, or if that's unnecessary.  I should read this weekend and finish more books to return to the library.  I do have a stack. 

My sleep has been great lately and I am so glad that the disruption was short-lived.  The sleeplessness was all directly related to my boss's vague yet stern dislike of me, and it lasted months.  But once I drilled down and realized she's completely inappropriate and intolerant of any diversity of thought or behavior, I let go whatever it was that was fucking up my sleep.  I also leaned into sleep hygiene like putting up black-out curtains in my bedroom, and it's been super.  I weaned off the Calm app pretty quickly, though I should still access it for some content.  Last time I listened to a sleep story, it kept me awake and I turned it off, annoyed.  I'm so glad to not need that anymore and to have gotten through this rough spot.  Which is not to say that I don't still have concerns about losing my job or other less punitive measures, and I know that I am far from perfect, but I also know that I am not unprofessional or abusive in any way - I'm just direct and have high expectations for things that I am responsible for.  And also, I've kind of stopped giving a fuck about work.  Though, I do need to kick back into gear next week and get a shit-ton done that I've been putting off. There's more to say but I don't want to.  All that matters now is that I'm sleeping well, even when I'm using screens and staying up too late.  One other aspect may be the now knowing that I have nocturnal hypoglycemia, so if I feel hungry before bedtime, I eat something like a Chomps meat stick.  I never used to do that, trying to stop eating by 8 pm or so, but it seems to help me sleep better.  

But I could definitely be better about reading more, including at bedtime and in bed.  I wish I better understood why I have been watching so much TV the past few years when it never really appealed to me that much before.  I never even really owned a TV until a few years ago, though I did start watching streaming videos a few years before that.  It's like something changed in my brain, making me want to consume content differently. 

It's supposed to be rainy for weeks, including my week off, which has me pretty bummed as I wanted to power through a lot of yardwork.  I'm not afraid of some rain, but some things are so much nicer to do when everything isn't super wet.  Well, I still have plenty to do indoors, including maybe some reading.  Speaking of things to do indoors, I should change into paint clothes and put out dropcloths and do the things I'm meaning to do - touch up paint in bathroom, again paint the ceilings where I'm installing the smoke detectors, as one coat of paint didn't really do the trick.  But I'm also feeling pretty lazy, and that's ok too.  I will make some hominy casserole and share.  Last night when I dropped food off a man was there looking at things in the fridge and I asked if I could get past him and his bicycle and he apologized.  "No worries, just wanted to drop these off.  These are cherry berry cobbler, and these are rice and lentils." I felt like I was hosting him at a dinner party and he sort of changed his stance as well, as we humanized our food interaction, and we wished each other a good night.  Usually when I drop things off there aren't people there, which appeals to my introverted nature that just wants to do the work and get in and out.  

OK, time for lunch.  And then maybe more lazy lounging on this rainy dreary day. 

Marketplace

 I'm proud of myself for kicking around different compost bin options, researching and looking again, and then looking one last time on FB Marketplace and finding a very nice one for a reasonable price after negotiation.  It looks quite rat-resistant (so I can start composting kitchen waste) and it's highly reviewed.  Now I just have to figure out where to put it.  

Yay! 

looking like a different class status

 Today on my lunch hour, I bicycled over to the nearest supermarket to purchase a few items.  This is not a supermarket that I want to support as they have some right-wing politics, but I will take advantage of sales of more than 50% off on things I frequently consume.  

I was wearing my usual work-from-home uniform: sweatpants and hoodie.  I had my bottle return deposit slips ready to pay for my purchase.  

And i realize that I look and act like a poor person.  It's easy for me to do here because when I previously lived here, I was really poor.  And because I expect that I could lose my job, my workplace could lose funding or something else could happen, in which case I will be poor again.  Worse than poor, I will have a large mortgage payment to make each month.  

And so yes, I'm frugal.  I don't dress fancy.  I return my cans for money.  I don't collect other people's cans, but I'll collect mine and return them on an errand.  I shop coupons. 

And it's interesting to see how people treat me when I'm dressed raggedy and acting poor compared to how they treat me when I'm dressed up for work and buying expensive things.  I mean, even when I'm dressed for work I'm not wearing makeup and jewelry, so I never look like rich.  But sometimes I don't look like I'm camping on the sidewalk.  

What will I do if I lose my job?  Start looking for another high paying job right away - and I've already put some feelers out just in case.  Cut all spending even further.  Look around if there's anything to sell.  Do some hustling, look for gig work.  Float idea of roommates.  Watch housing market and if the situation doesn't turn around soon, figure if and when to sell house and move in with friend.

I've been in similar situations before, though never have the financial stakes been quite this high. This expensive house makes me nervous.  

Yesterday I bought a heap of legumes in bulk - not only can I rely on them for myself, but I can triple recipes to make plenty to share.  I have kusherie in mind for now - an Egyptian rice and lentils dish with a tomato/celery sauce served with yogurt.  Very tasty.  The other night when I put things into the little free refrigerator, I went back the next morning and there were still two meals there with meat (stuffed squash).  Those meals were objectively very tasty, but they hadn't been snatched up - and probably it was because they were foil-covered so not easy to transport compared to an old sour cream container like I usually use, but it made me wonder because everything vegetarian gets snapped up right away.  Anyway, of course the stuffed squash also fed someone soon after that, but it does seem like my legume-based dishes are also consumed well, which is great because I can afford to make that to share.  I do also plan to make a hominy casserole with the inexpensive hominy and coupon cheese I got.  It is so convenient for me, to cook for myself for two meals or so and then give away all the rest.  Not buried in leftovers, zero food waste.  Love it.  And then probably some black bean and rice bowls.  And some plum pudding cake.  I'm working through my freezer and pantry.  Waste not, want not.  

I've always been struck by historical photos of things like Germans with wheelbarrows of money to buy a loaf of bread, of hobos seeking water and food and work during the Great Depression.  We definitely feel on the precipice of something very bad financially, and I don't know it's going to affect myself and others, but I'm girding my loins for when shit goes down.  A billion dollars in food aid to school, food pantries, etc. has been cut, and while I cannot fix that with a pot of lentils, I'll help as I can.

Time to get back to work though I'm pretty unmotivated today.  I want to start my weekend early.

worst of times

 Our federal government's reign of terror is overwhelming.  Threatening to annex Canada, deport legal residents, remove environmental protections, and on and on and on - dismantling democracy trying to privatize the common good.  Push us into a recession so the very wealthy can buy up our world at deep discounts, sell our country off for parts.  It's beyond shocking. 

My life has numerous buffers in place but never before have I so wanted dual citizenship, to grab the other passport and just take off.  

I do not think that this country will recover in my lifetime, probably not ever.  These are the last days of the empire.  And I have mixed feelings about that at best - knowing full well how flawed my homeland is but also ... well, it's my homeland.  I've often left and always come back.  I planned to spend my last days here, but ... I dunno.  It's probably time to start figuring out the exit strategy. 

daylight saving weary

 Oy vey that was an intense day of work.  Nothing bad happened, plenty of good happened, but it's still a lot.  And the daylight saving time is not helpful.  Fortunately the rest of this week isn't looking so bad, though I need to focus on some harder tasks.  

Too tired to keep checking through my to-do list at home, but that's ok - I did a heap last weekend and I'll get back to it.  It is so nice to finally be able to start checking through all those little things that make me crazy for being messy, like the brightly-colored old anchors for curtain rods no longer used, smoke detectors that actually work, hanging pegboard to have tools easily accessible, and the like.  If I can keep checking through these things, then I can tackle some harder things like fixing my sewing machine to fix ripped couch covers, or get a chainsaw to cut the firewood to a size that would actually fit in my woodstove insert in case of emergency, or put down plywood in the attic to store some things.  Or the even bigger things, like the patio (with carpenter's help).  What will I do when all these things are done?  I will find something.  Maybe more food creation or other hobbies.  I started a cross stitch decades ago for Dear Friend - maybe I could get that out and keep going to finish (for as much as my hands will allow).  I just like not having all these little to-dos always leaping out at me.  

Definitely feel like I'm coming down with something, but hoping it's just lack of sleep and a minor sniffle that tea will knock out.  Oh, reminds me of another to-do - I need to get the pneumonia vaccine.  

I've been looking to spend my money NOT at Amazon.  Unfortunately I couldn't convince Dear Friend not to do the same (her family spends a lot there, including Prime), but my limited dollars will be going elsewhere.  I ordered a kettle direct from Bodum and got a discount and free shipping, and I sourced a composter locally (and I'll try again to find a used one).  It's more work and worth it.  I'm in more of a pickle with AT&T who is a massive supporter of this political bullshit - if I change to Mint mobile, I'd have to change my phone number, which I don't really want to do.  I'll figure something out.  Maybe there are discounts to find.

There are a number of big companies here - grocery stores, merchandise retailers - that are privately traded employee owned, that pay living wages, that aren't throwing millions at Project 2025.  I'm shopping there.  Some are local, regional, and some international (Trader Joe's).  Even at my most flush, I'm a very frugal shopper so this will make zero difference to their bottom line, but I can do what I can do.  Amazon was just so fucking convenient, but I'm over it except in special circumstances.  Oh ... I spent more money there than I thought I did - about $1,400 last year.  that's a lot of money going elsewhere now.  Of course that also tracks with my renewed focus on frugality, with economic fears both political and person.  Is my job secure?  What kind of market would I try to sell my house in?  Will my retirement savings evaporate?  I'm hunkering down.  

But it's a little hard too because I'm making good money so there's lifestyle creep, especially with friends.  Dear Friend says they get takeout a lot, and if she wants something she buys it.  They went through a really difficult time financially when her husband had an extremely serious medical emergency, and she hustled scrubbing toilets and babysitting to feed her kids and pay taxes on the house (she'd inherited thankfully).  It was a hard time, but her default is to "support the economy" by buying things.  Thankfully the economy does not depend upon my spending because I'm of a different mind.  

But I spent SO MUCH MONEY on renovating this house that I'm still in spend mode, and I have solid buffers in my checking accounts.  I probably need to trim those down.  I might even go to an envelope system of spending to cut costs - to internalize the spending limits.  Because do I really need a new kettle and composter?  Well, I really want them.  And I did a ton of looking around for best deals and I think for instance if I have to buy a lot of hardware cloth to keep rats out of my compost bin, that's as expensive to build instead of just buy.   

reading and Sunday

 I think that I give myself a hard time for not reading, but I actually do read.  I just don't keep a record of it or have the books lying around because they're usually from the library. So I'm going to start putting them here with the label, and I can go back and see that I haven't actually rotted my brain.

Here's what I've got now:

 

I like Dr. Chatterjee - he's earnest and engaging with this health messaging.  I think I heard him on the Calm app and have looked at his website, videos, and now this book. It's not revolutionary - his pillars of health are Relax, Sleep, Eat, Move.  Less stress, more quality, higher quality unprocessed foods, and physical activity.  He likes to put things into small bits, so he has strength training ideas that only take five minutes, for example.  It's appealing and I'm sure he's not wrong.  i know I'm in a health echo chamber, and I'm ok with that.

When Dear Friend came, she wanted to go out for dinner so we went to a place with high reviews and I was as always here sorely disappointed.  We then met up with her son's friends for grocery shopping, and then we went to our favorite ice cream place.  

Going out to eat has always been our thing, but I put my foot down and asked if it would be ok for us to eat at home.  I had a fridge of food - kale-white bean soup, red-cabbage-garbanzo salad, quinoa-cucumber-feta salad, plus a winter squash I wanted to cook up.  Not only does the food that I prepare taste better than almost all food I can buy here, but it makes me feel better - and it's less expensive than eating out.  Yes, I enjoy our ice cream place a lot, and I will continue to go there from time to time.  But sweets need to be occasional.  

And she was fine with that, and she enjoyed what I prepared and asked for recipes.  She is a good cook, as is her husband, and her youngest son is very skilled in the kitchen.  Usually when I'm visiting or living with them, we eat at home a lot.  We have just been in the habit here of going out, and I'd like to change that.  

The dog was quite good with the visit - I let Dear Friend know that she'd been snappy and to avoid extended physical contact, and that seemed to work well.  Now she's exhausted and she'll sleep the day away.  it's so hard to be good.  

My garden is looking good - peas coming in, and arugula and turnips.  Favas and garlic are continuing along, and Dear Friend brought some raspberry canes that I put in so berry row is done now.  I think I'll grow potatoes in pots and I need to buy good seed potatoes as Friend ate them all and didn't understand that we save them.  She didn't really save me much of the produce this past year that I had planted in her garden, so she's going to be more on her own to plant.  I'll remind her, but I'm not going to take so much initiative to grow her food if she's not going to share much.  We also didn't let her know that Dear Friend was here, which maybe I should feel guilty about, but don't.  We didn't discuss it, just neither of us contacted her.  I think we have some boundary issues - she feels that she needs to be here the whole visit and tries to commandeer it, but I think what really pushed me was when her niece was here.  I understand it's her niece, but we also have an independent relationship, and Friend wouldn't let us have any time without her and she was almost dictatorial about when and how I could see her.  It was just kind of weird and I realized how this has been an issue that has bothered me.  But also like when she has had some other friends in town whom I get along with but am not particularly close, I don't feel the need to intervene in their visits at all.  Anyway, I don't think that this needs to be an issue at all or even discussed, I just don't always need to tell Friend when I have visitors, and we're fine.  

On another note, I've had this feeling of low-level anxiety for a few days.  I don't know if it's related to sugar intake, possibly.  IT's just an uneasy feeling I can't shake.  IT could be work-related, but I'm not sure.  I'll be careful to limit sugar intake and see if it goes away, and increase physical activity.  I definitely need to include some strength training.  

Yesterday I wrapped up planting all the native plants I'd purchased over the past few months.  I'd been trying to figure out ideal locations, etc., but finally gave up on ideal and just got them in the ground.  Our rainy season ends in a couple of months and it will be nice if they are at least a little established.   

I think I have a lot more food than I can eat before it turns, thanks my farmers market eyes and a big bag of salad greens that won't last as long as the rest (collards, etc.).  I'll prepare a lot to share with the little free refrigerator this week.  I'll need more lemons.    

It's another beautiful day, and I'm feeling really fortunate.  

Oh, I forgot to weigh myself today before I ate.  First Sunday in six months that I haven't stepped on the scale, and not the end of the world. 

I will not replace my windows, I will not ...

With each layer of home repairs, new issues remove.  Now that I'm repairing around my windows, I'm looking closely and seeing issues.  Completely deteriorated sections of interior frames, some evidence of leaking which hopefully isn't a present concern.

I thought my windows were new and in good condition, but now I'm starting to realize that they were poorly done like everything else by the seller of the house.  And I'd thought the window frames were just a really bad paint job, like many other spots, but some of them look like they're actually rotted out and held together with Bondo.  Which I can recognize, as I did that on quite a few windows in New Orleans. 

Sheesh. 

Well, I'm going to clean off the waterspotting that looks old and cross my fingers.  But then I'm going to rehang the curtains and gracefully place them over these spots so that I don't think and look about it anymore.  Because I have spent soooo much fucking money on this house to make it into a modern, cozy nest, and now I'm in a different mood.  Like a mood to be done with spending vast sums of money on the house, and instead saving zealously to either cover myself if I lose my job or to aggressively pay off this house.  

Dear Friend is here for the weekend, and among other things last night we picked up two friends of her son and took them grocery shopping.  One of them lost his mother several years ago and so Dear Friend tries to show up for him in those ways.  They are young adults and sweet, and it was just interesting to spend time with them as I don't currently have friends of that age.  We went to Winco (she wanted to stock their cupboards), where I had never been before and that was fun!  They have a lot of ultraprocessed foods that I won't eat, but they also have some really interesting things in bulk like dried hominy, which I haven't been able to find anywhere else - and I love hominy.  The customers appeared culturally far more diverse than anywhere else I've been in this town - many Asians and Latinos.  And the prices are so much better than most other places.  It's a drive for me but it may be worth it sometimes.  And it's just so big with hidden treasures throughout (I ended up with canned hominy at 1/3 of the price I usually pay) that it will be worth going to really spend some time seeing what's where.  I especially noticed their organic produce selection with lots of greens for great prices, which is unusual in this town (the availability and them looking good), but I passed since I plan to go to the farmers market this weekend. 

She brought me some raspberries from her yard that I'll put in, and then I'll call my berry section good at least for now.  I'm realizing I need to put in more garden beds for all the food I want to grow, so I'll work on that sooner than later.  I'm taking off a week at the end of March, and I'll hopefully be finishing up some projects like that.  I've made great progress through my to-do list and it will be nice to really wrap things up. 

dreary Sunday

 Friend came over and we installed the bathroom cabinet. It was a lot more complicated than it needed to be and we will both be sore tomorrow from holding and attaching it.  I'm still not 100% certain that it's stable, but I've already filled it with towels and toilet paper and it seems good to go.  Now I have to touch up paint from all the times we hit the wall, but oh well.  Add it to the list.  I also think I need more caulk at the baseboards.  MORE CAULK seems to be my mantra.  I'm going to try to start using this bathroom now and I'm going to force myself to use this shower today after I finish painting. 

I just made lunch and I'm proud to use up things.  Leftover shiitakes, sprouting potatoes, that one frozen chicken sausage, the last storage onion, and mizuna that I bought two weeks ago, with sour cream that needs to get used up.  I like to toss mizuna into a hot thing and let it very lightly saute, but I like the bitterness and texture of only very lightly cooked.  So yeah, that was tasty.  I regrettably didn't make it to the farmers market yesterday and I only have kale left.  I'll make it all work.  I'm going to try to bike to work tomorrow (I say try because I have to get there early and it's pretty chilly then) and then stop at a market on the way home and more closely check out its vegetable section.  I don't like the store a lot, it's crowded and hard to navigate, but they sell local produce and so maybe it'll be a good go-to.  I do think that eating greens most days is a good goal.  

Oh, and I still have two winter squash to use up.  Maybe I'll make a squash lentil dish for dinner.  Yes, and add in the leeks (three left over from previous meal) and feta that I froze recently.  I'll double it to share, though I'm not excited to get dressed again to walk it over to the little free panty.  I finally showered in my new bathroom.  Slowly moving in.  It was fine.  Not great water pressure but I'll live.  Oh, and yay for a lentil recipe for this week.  Also a good thing to eat regularly.

That leaves me with just one more winter squash, a kuri squash.  It's large.  I think that I'll plan to make it with wild rice stuffing when Dear Friend is here. 

 

-0.4

 Scale says I lost 0.4 pounds this last week, which I'll take.  My biggest "off the plan" moments this week were pasta and gnocchi a few times including last night, so losing about half a pound sounds pretty good to me.  I had dropped a little jar of pesto (because I drop everything) which made the jar seal break, so I've been eating it.  One more serving left and also one more serving of farfalle pasta left, so that will be one more meal. 

Also ... I think I've gone too heavy with the high-fiber diet, with some undesirable effects (bowel grumblings at night), so I can step back a bit from that, as it didn't lessen after two weeks.  Maybe don't need to eat beans with every single meal.  

OK, off to walk the dog, and then Friend is coming over to help with with several things.  I ran out of steam yesterday, but I still got a lot done - pegboard is up for a whole damn wall with so much space for hanging tools, and one side of the door is painted and I'll do the other side today.  Hopefully we'll install the cabinet and threshold today.  I also need to tackle those damn curtain rod issues, and the do the living life things - the laundry, the food prep (I'll make kale white-bean soup and mizuna with potatoes and sausage).  I want to plan food prep for Dear Friend's visit next weekend, to hopefully stay on track - if left to our devices, we indulge in a lot of decadence, and frankly that doesn't sound that great to me.  I might agree to head out to the bakery and share a treat, but her eyes are always way bigger than her stomach and I'm usually eating leftovers for days and sharing with the little free pantry so much of what she leaves that isn't good for me (so much sugar, so much white rice).  If I'm strategic, I can hopefully alleviate that, and stay on track mostly.