things that make me cry

I'm facing a difficult task on Monday and I started to spin out about it.  So I called coworkers, and two spent considerable time with me to figure it all out.  

Their kindness and graciousness as I flounder with what they now consider easy was really touching.  I teared up, not going to lie.  

One of them has been there a long time and she has very healthy work-life balance.  The other has been there much shorter and I just asked her straight out how much she works.  It's like 70+ hours most weeks.  That doesn't surprise me because she's so very thorough and plans well and everything is just so.  I'm not that regimented but it's something to strive for.  But not to work that much.

I do have to work this weekend though.  Project to finish.  I'm close but not there yet and it's due Monday.

The painters are not done but the AC is installed which is really great news.  I'll run it tomorrow when I'm there scrubbing down my house before moving things in.  Couches being delivered.  So much scrubbing to do.  

Just ordered a refrigerator because my old one is needed elsewhere.  I was going to do it eventually but I just sped up the timeline because I have a large rebate coming.  It's quiet and energy efficient even if it's not fancy.  Every time the quiet does not bother me (unlike the old fridge), I'll be happy.  It's worth it.  

 

cherries, take 2

 I went back to the house with the cherries, and the kids were there.  I spent hours there, eating brunch with them and talking politics, and facilitating the kiddos climbing up for cherries.  They were a hoot.  When the 10-year-old bent over the big bucket, sorting out debris, she asked, "Why is this fun?!"  

It was fun.  We had fun.  They probably have fun regularly but it was new fun for me.  We laughed and joked around and had a good time.  

Then I got home and cleaned and pitted those 4+ gallons of cherries, and I am done with that.  I have a dehydrator full and two baking pans in the freezer with them (so I can pull out a few instead of the 4# clump that is last week's haul), and I'm baking a sour cream cherry pie now.  I made the mistake of watching the Azerbaijani Country Life vlog and that's the dessert that they made (somewhat) and I had to have it.  We'll see how it turns out, it's in the oven now. 

Then I asked in my local Buy Nothing group and I got to pick up about eight Bonne Maman jars and about eight other small ones I can also use for jam, so I'm stoked.  

Not a bad haul for a fun day. It took all day but it kept me occupied and it's just about the most relaxing thing I can do is process food.  

The woman who invited me for the cherries is very cool in a nerdy way like me, and this was the first time I saw her husband's charm.  I think he's just particular whom he pays attention to and he's just about tapped out with their five children.  It's a second marriage for both and they are really sweet.  We know a number of people in common which is interesting, and what I also liked about that conversation is we're not gossipy.  She said, "Oh yeah, I know her.  We were in middle school together."  "Cool.  She does a good job in her job, and she does it with a smile."  "I really like working with her office.  They get things done."  

They have a dog who adores me, as dogs tend to do, and a cat who wants to be near me but not be touched, as is also my preference with cats since I'm allergic.  

i hope this becomes a friendship that sustains, as we have numerous interests in common.  Which is how we met, at a gardening thing. But I'll also understand if it doesn't - she's from here and has so many family commitments and work and everything.  People are busy.  

When I went to pick up the jars, the people were leaving their house with a dish they were walking over to the neighbors, like for a potluck.  I like that.  

house

 I bought the house six weeks ago and move-in still isn't determined. The painting is slow going.  The house should be finished this weekend more or less, but the garage and mudroom and bathroom will take more time.  And I can't really move in until those are done.  The ductless heat/AC is set to be installed this Thursday.  The electricians are pretty much finished and sent me a bill, though there are the items they didn't do that I'll have to contend with, like a light that has no power and an old doorbell that I want to work.  

Closer?  I guess.  It's brutal waiting. 

Friend has been a champ helping me rebuild the damaged shed.  We're getting close on that, probably need another couple Sundays.  She says she wants things perfect but then they really aren't at all, but if it stands up that's good enough for now.  

After I move in, I'll have the hot tub repair folks come to see if it's feasible to get it working.  And the landscape designer to start work.  

I'll have projects.  Beaucoup de projects.  And all that will be better once I move in.  

So many other things will be better, too.  My car and truck kept in a garage instead of on a busy street.  I'm bicycling most all the days and I want my car safe.  

I am very excited to start working from home.  It's a weird workplace with this hybrid remote thing, and people are starting to take advantage of me being there every day when nobody else is.   

I'm also really excited to have a kitchen to myself again.  I want to cook a lot and to give away.  Maybe I start making red beans and rice every Monday.  There would be worse things.  I need to find avenues to inexpensive food, like gleaners.  I can prepare what's "ugly" and make something tasty to distribute right away. Some days.

My new team member is very concerned about happiness at work - she wants to be happy, wants other people to be happy.  That's a red flag to expect that from a workplace.  It's fair to not want to be abused, and it's nice to be fulfilled.  But happy?  No.  And it made me shift my thinking too - normally a workplace is a major source of socialization, but this workplace is not.  There are brief moments here and there, but generally it's very isolated and when I do have conversations it's very focused just on work.  I'm not getting any social needs met.  And that's ok!  I have a couple of good hang-out friends here, a new down the street neighbor who craves connection, and several neighbors involved in food justice things that they are more than happy to include me in.  For me, that's more than enough. And so once I can work from home, I will be focused on my work during the day but then can immediately shift gears once I turn the computer off.  And because I'll be home with my dog most days, I can go out in the evening (which now I feel guilty about because she always worries about me when I'm not in eyesight).

And I want to dig in my heels about not driving.  My new house is about 1/2 hour walk from work.  In winter when it's icy and biking is unpleasant and kinda scary, I can just walk.  Listen to music.  Enjoy the time.  I'll be seeing a podiatrist soon for help with insoles or other ways to make shoes more comfortable for me again - as much as possible (as I now know that I have extensive arthritis and bone spurs, and in general it just seems like all the fat cushion from my feet is gone which sucks and hurts).  Oh, and we also have rentable bikes and scooters that I could use to go home if I want (the mornings are often below freezing but afternoons are warmer).  Or bus.  Hell, even Uber or taxi if I really don't want to walk for some reason or have a lot to schlep.  I HAVE OPTIONS.  And I will like saving the $80/month on parking. 

peacemaker

 I got asked as a favor by the office manager to intervene and take over a different team.  They were falling apart and getting really bad - "toxic workplace" was used - and I was asked to fix the problem.

ME?!

I don't try to be toxic or mean or rude, but I am no-nonsense in getting work done and that insults some people.  A lot.  I once had a co-worker come completely unglued on me because I wouldn't stand around and talk with her all the time.  I've had co-workers strongly dislike me, I've had conflicts.  On more than one occasion.  

I don't think I'm always the problem though I accept responsibility sometimes.  It's more often a conflict of values and priorities, and I don't coddle.  I stand my ground.  I definitely can annoy people.

And I know my boss now doesn't like me.  She goes to great lengths to avoid me, avoid talking to me.  I think I just overpower her without trying.  And I don't think a number of my peers particularly care for me.  They're not asking me out to lunch or adding me to group chats.  And I'm fine with that.  I'm certainly not making efforts to move past professional cordial.  When I ask for help, they're usually there for me.  That's all I need. 

I'm not very likeable, in general.  I have rough edges. Many people love me and are fond of me, but I am comfortably not everyone's cup of tea. 

So when I was asked to step in to improve a personnel matter, my first reaction was no.  I got talked into it, and I try to be a team player and help out.  And then I thought, wait, what if I'm getting set up.  What if this will just be somebody who complains about toxic workplace turning their guns on me?

So I went to meet her, and I don't think so.  She's very grateful to join my team and we talked some things through.  TBH, I don't know what went down and don't need to know.  I know how I want things done.  

I just trained up an intern pretty quick and she's finally of value to me after only a couple of weeks.  At first I thought WTF are kids learning these days because this is useless, but she's really come around.  I'm setting her up to succeed and she's running with it.  And I have a grumbly AF team member that I set straight with what the office manager thought was perfect.  It was a compliment sandwich with not backing down in the middle.

Am I ... growing up? Maturing?  Are people respecting me and appreciating me?

Well, I'm not counting on any of that, and I frankly don't want to be that person who is liked. There is such freedom in being whoever the fuck I want to be and not giving a goddamn.  If I cared if people liked me, I could have done about 7% of what I've done in life.  And I love my life.  I love all that I"ve done and all that I will do, and nobody's approval will ever matter to me.

The new team member said, "I just want everybody to be happy."  "I don't.  I want people to be able to do their jobs. I manage my expectations - I don't expect us all to be happy all the time.  Our work is really hard.  And the surest route to unhappiness is to spend time seeking happiness - or something like that from the intro of Rainn Wilson's new show on Peacock." (Which she had seen.)  She wants us to get along so very ardently because it makes her feel so much better.  And I'm really glad we had that talk already, and how I can be too direct for some people, and how we both communicate, and how professionalism REALLY matters to me.  We'll get frustrated with each other sometimes, and that's ok.   We can talk about it if we need to.  

I have always strongly believed in work being about work.  Those pointless teambuilding exercises drive me fucking crazy.  I build team through focus on shared goals.  

Anyway, I'm really glad I approached her to talk, and I can see how relieved she is that I'll make thigns better.  

It just amuses me to no end. 

my hobbies

I am always a little self-conscious when asked about my hobbies.  I don't have exciting things to share anymore.  I can't travel because of dog, which limits my ability to go diving or such things.  I don't really do crafts much anymore (though do still hope to finish that one quilt that I started in 2007).  I don't enjoy reading anymore (formerly a huge part of my life).  I don't like camping or hiking much anymore.  

But what I do like to do is food.  This was a good weekend because I focused on food.  And I don't mean cooking really.  i like food preservation. 

This weekend I baked sourdough bread and made yogurt (in a yogurt maker a neighbor gave to me last week).  Additionally I blanched and froze several bags of snowpeas from the garden.  I picked five pounds of cherries from the backyard of a woman I met a couple of months ago, I ate a pound and pitted and froze the rest which I'll soon make into jam.  I'll harvest Friend's rhubarb and freeze it (she kept telling me it's not the edible variety but we got confirmation that it actually is).  

I feel better when I have food stores, and creating that is my hobby.  

I cannot wait to get into that cherry jam - I think it will be awesome.  Some of the cherries were underripe and they weren't the sweetest variety anyway, but they have a really nice full flavor.  The woman's husband is very allergic to cherries so I take all I can.  I'll go back next weekend as some more will be ripe and I will figure out a fruit picker of some sort to reach more.  

That leads me to two other things I'm quite content about these days - 

1.  I have the money to drop on anything I want.  Granted, my wants are few. But I don't have to second-guess myself at spending $5.99 on a cherry pitter that I need right now because I got a message about cherries sooner than expected and I showed right up.  I could have pitted another way but I didn't have to.  I have more than enough for my basic wants and needs, and $5.99 is about how much one jar of Bonne Maman costs and I'll be making more than that.  I also eyed a dehydrator from a brand I like, and I may pick it up.  It's like $60, which is more, and I don't dehydrate all the time but sometimes I do.  Especially here.  Another friend and I like to forage and we'd come home with bushels of pears that we'd dehydrate and eat on all year - they are SO GOOD.  I'd like to dehydrate the cherries I pick next weekend, to eat with granola and yogurt mostly but also other things.  And it looks like I have three apple trees at my house, plus a pear tree, plus a couple of plums - and so if those fruit produce, I'll have a lot.  And of course I will share, but also I like dehydrated fruit. It's expensive AF to buy, and it's concentrated calories, but it's a great way to preserve food.  So I think I just talked myself into that dehydrator.  The item I'm less sure of is the $50 fruit picker - it extends 14' which will be very helpful for me this weekend and for fruit at my house.  I have to drive out of town to get it, and do I really need it?  No, but I'm a menace on a ladder and this could save my neck.  (I've also asked to borrow a fruit picker from neighbors and have a possible one, so we'll see.) 

2.  There is a store here that makes me so happy.  It's a regional store, like a Target but also not like a Target.  It's small, easy to get in and out, and has almost everything I need.  I don't get overwhelmed and it's always a pleasant experience.  The clearance shelves delight me, too.  It has a wonderful canning section which has been getting me set up for many years.  The prices are pretty good, and they have the weirdest selection of old candy bars that I don't think are sold anywhere else.  Idaho Spud, Charleston Chew, that kind of thing.  Oh, and these Polish sesame candies.  I love them.  Never seen them anywhere else.  It's an odd place and very comforting to me.  

I watched the first episode of Rainn Wilson's Geography of Bliss, and it makes me realize that I'm pretty happy.  I usually am.  I don't like some people and some things, and I come here to kvetch, but except for a miserable first year of college I have felt in control of my life to the extent that I can change whatever I want and that makes me happy.  No need to jump into the ocean, I regularly push myself far beyond my comfort level and that make me happy. 

slowly she gets there

Friend is not worldly and she can be pretty stuck in her ways.  Once she makes up her mind, she's done.  

Like yard eggs. She had eggs from a coworker that she thought tasted awful and she refused to eat anything but supermarket eggs.  Ever since having chickens I feel very strongly about only eating eggs from chickens living a good life.  No factory farm eggs for me. 

So I just do my thing and she eventually comes around usually.  Eggs?  She'll eat dirt-caked eggs from a yard now, eagerly.  She even admitted she liked them better.  She eats them twice a day most days.  Keeping her stocked with eggs is a part-time job.  And they're not cheap.  I can drive quite a ways and get them for cheaper, but at the farmers market they're like $9 for a dozen. I keep plenty on hand.  The ones we had today had the most gorgeous orange yolk; I swear they were feeding them turmeric.  

She has finally embraced streaming services and I've caught her binge watching numerous times now from my Roku channels.  

I've just started the dryer sheet conversation.  She thinks she needs them. She does not.  They are carcinogenic.  

my house is mad at me

 I went to the house to do yardwork, and as I walked out the backdoor I fell.  Hard.  Onto concrete.  I'm a bit bruised and battered. Then I went across the front yard and a tree poked me hard in the face, almost hitting my eye.  And then the fig tree has grown so much it's impossible to avoid touching it, and I broke into a bad rash.

Fortunately Friend is not a target of the house's ire, and she replaced a post for my shed.  That wood is so rotted out, we'll got tomorrow to replace more. 

57

 I've been in this job for coming up on three months, which means I have 57 more months to work here to reach my goal.  

A colleague who was at first welcoming to me had cooled, and finally he corned me and said, "Are you in this for the long haul?  Or are you just going to leave soon?"  And I still find that entertaining that we can only be friendly to people who make a lifetime commitment somewhere when actually some of my most meaningful relationships have come through intentionally short experiences.  

But ok, that's how people think here, in this mediocre place.

If people like it here, that's fine.  It's always been a safe refuge for me. But I just can't ever conceive of this place as my forever home.  It is a splendid place to be old - I see old people everywhere. The accessibility is great, and I see people out and about with walkers and wheelchairs and limps and all sorts of mobility issues that don't hinder them here, and I definitely appreciate that.  

But I hope to have a number of years before I have those types of mobility concerns.  I'm only in my mid-50s.  And I keep thinking that once my dog passes and I have recovered from some PTSD* that I'll go on to some other adventure but I don't know yet what that is.  

It sort of matters in terms of my house.  All the money I'm throwing into it now is really for the fundamentals that don't much increase value.  New electrical panel is lovely but it's not sexy.  I definitely want to get back from my house what I put into it.  But my strategies about that are really different if I plan to sell the house in five years or if I plan to stay in it until I can no longer live independently.  I just don't see myself being here that long.  Maybe I'll feel different after I've been there for awhile, but leaving is always something easy for me.

For now I need to focus on succeeding where I am and lasting another 57 months.  Don't get burned out, don't fuck it up.  It's simultaneously stressful and challenging and easy, and the pay is better than for anything else I can do.  I need to lean into that.  

And when the colleague asked me how long I'll stay, I cheerfully held up an open hand.  "Yes!  Five years!"  He wasn't impressed. 

 And as always, what other people think about me is none of my business. 

 

*That's rubbish, there's a lot that I'm not going to recover from.  The song Fast Car made me start crying this morning, and maybe I'll just cry every morning to process and move on.  A colleague recently got put on leave indefinitely, likely from melting down, and I know her pain.  We've been in the feelings together, and I've reined her in, and we've shouted at each other.  I do not want to unravel as she has, and I'm quite concerned about her and hope she's ok.  

waiting

 Friday was a shit show and I ran out of executive functioning capacity before 9 am.

To be fair, a lot of unusual shit was thrown at me.  And also, I didn't bicycle commute because I needed to drive a meeting.  Fucking sucks when that happens.

And the shit just kept coming at me all. day. long.  Stupid shit too but complicated stupid shit.  I did not melt down but I did get to the needing a stiff drink phase of life, except I don't really drink and stiff drinks never help me they just make me feel icky.  (Maybe I can't metabolize ethanol correctly?  I dunno, but it doesn't make me feel good in any way.)

But what does make me feel better is junk food so I swung by my favorite deli and picked up some chocolate cheesecake and I could only eat half before my body was way done, and I'm getting a little annoyed with my GI tract having so many opinions.  

And I cannot bike to work for at least three days of the next week and that suuuuuuuucks. 

My hope is that once I move into my new house that I'll be able to bike more to work.  There may be workarounds that I am not implementing now.

Maybe I'll be moving into my new house in about three weeks?  That will be sooo sweet.  I'm beyond grateful to Friend who's let us stay with her indefinitely, but now it's time for the hound and me to have some alone time.  

I have so much anxiety around home repairs/improvements and I cannot wait until things are finished. i'm trying to not be there because it stresses me out and then stresses them out.

Electricians say they'll finish on Wednesday.  Painters say they're starting today.  I stopped by after work yesterday to pick up mail, and it looked like walls had been textured after repairs and it looked good.  MUCH better than I could have done.  So there's that.  I wanted to cut grass this morning but Saturday mornings are the only time I have alone in the house so I focused on other things like processing raw milk.  Skimmed off the cream, making raw milk yogurt, freezing some for later.  The only intensive part is sterilizing everything, which will be easier with a dishwasher.  Alas, something else I'm looking forward to, a dishwasher.  

everything goes my way!

The last 24 hours have been on fire for me.  It got kicked off by the painter giving an update that was helpful, and things are progressing.  Then all day today, I was in Solution City.  People calling me with a problem they've had a year, and I'm all, "Oh!  I see this solution A and this solution B, which do you want?" and they say, "Solution B and thank you so much!"  

And also during the day I got like ten personal calls that I could actually take or call back timely, and all my medical referrals are now set and not for fucking November.  And I finalized the ductless heat pump and the woman - whom at first I was kind of calling out but then we turned things around - was able to squeeze me in an earlier day, so in like three weeks I can be moving into my house.

BOOM. 

And then I can fix or remove my hottub, and start gardening.  And start working from home.  

To what do I attribute this sudden change of fortune, the melting away of frustrations?  

BICYCLE COMMUTING.  

Seriously, my executive functioning is so much higher when I bicycle commute, it's kind of shocking.  I have been buzzing at such high speed, I'm sure I'm totally fucking annoying.  It's like I'm manic, but I'm just ebullient.  

And no, it's not exercise that does this for me.  Most assuredly not.  I've often tried to exercise for this effect and it does not work.

No, it's specific to bicycle commuting.  It's great..  

 

suite

As I continue to contemplate construction of an ADU in a community that pretends to want middle housing but really doesn't, I'm wondering about adding a guest suite that could be used as either part of the house or a separate unit.  I could put it on the other side of the garage, just not sure how to make it easily passable into the house then, but i'll keep thinking on it.  

Then I could rent it out, or I could use it for work, or I could move in there if I wanted people to live in the main house (roommates, foster kids, whatever).  

This would be very much like my New Orleans house, and that was such a sweet suite situation.  

I think I'm going to need an architect.  But hopefully this would be less expensive than adding a standalone ADU.

The painters should be there today, and I'll be stopping by to drop off/pick up some things but I don't want to be in their way. I'm dropping off firewood of all things - I couldnt pass up a free offer.  I do have a fireplace with an insert, and I bet my neighbors have a fire pit.  What I forgot when I agreed to picking it up is that I hate the smell of woodsmoke.  

the electricians should have finished on Wednesday, but when I stopped by Friday before work they were not.  They weren't there but I talked with their boss, and I urged him to follow up that they were following the scope of work (such as GFI breakers and labeling circuits).  I'll need to get a siding repairperson to come in soon and the boss said he had recommendations but getting that from him has been challenging.  

The wall repair guy was supposed to start yesterday - him and the electricians dancing around each other - so the painters can start prepping today.  They're working weekends to do this job.  The company owner said to expect three weekends and maybe a day during the week if they do other jobs quicker than expected, but do they really need three weekends?  Maybe if it's only two guys, I'll see.  They're not doing bathroom or kitchen, and it's completely empty bedrooms, living room, garage, mudroom - could that really take them eight days for professionals who have sprayers and professional equipment to do?  I guess we'll see.  It would take me much longer and take a physical toll, so I need to not gripe. 

I have a final quote meeting on Monday for heat/AC, and then I'll get that lined up. I had planned to move in right after painting and then just move out for the heat/AC work, but I may stay where I am until that's done.  The back and forth is tough especially on the dog, and I have a LOT of deep cleaning and other things to do before moving in, and I could gradually take things over there.  Much less stress.  So now I'm looking at maybe moving in mid-July or so, which isn't the end of the world even though I'm eager and impatient.  

It's strawberry season starting here and other friend and I want to go get some, but TBH I will be fine letting somebody else pick them, and while I'm happy to help make jam if I have time, I'm not in a space to do it myself now.  I'm too between kitchens (a cluttered one and a dirty one because I haven't deep cleaned the new house).  

OK, time to roll this day out.  Lots to do. 

past voices

 This morning I was up early and read the news of New Orleans and saw a person profiled that I know of.  So I texted a former coworker about it, knowing that he would have been at least indirectly involved, and because even if not he'd tell a good story.  He called right away and regaled me for half an hour or so.  It was like back in the day, last job.  Well, two jobs ago if you count those ten days of trial in that horrible job, which i don't count.  Though he talked me through all of that too, because he used to sleep with the boss there.

Anyway, that's long.  My point is, I talked to a former coworker.

Within five hours, I got a call from that job.  The HR person who is so bad at her job said the person in charge wanted my work on a project from when I was there and could I send that to her?  Um, no.  I took nothing from when I left there, much less that project because it was bullshit.  

HOwever, I reminded her that her direct boss had files on the project because I had shared everything with her.  She had then taken it and done something to make it fail.  I stopped being involved after I did the draft to get it rolling because I had no stomach for the drama.  But I had given her everything repeatedly, and then she made changes.  SAbotage really, so I guess I shouldn't have been surprised to hear that those files are unavailable.

Wait, what?  Rather than holding someone accountable who is IN CHARGE and who has everything RIGHT THERE, you would rather call someone who left there half a year ago and is across the country?  LIke, what?  

But also what kills me is that I left every single file I worked on on the shared drive.  In a VERY obvious place, and I gave that information multiple times before I left.  ALL the people in charge had access to ALL that information.  

I kept confidences as I needed to, but all my work was transparent and shared widely.  

But instead of LOOKING IN THE FILES that I had perfectly organized and labeled, you would rather call me across the country when I stopped working there half a year ago?

And of course all that was also printed out and in physical files in my office.  Which I think would be a last resort but I also left all that labeled and organized.  Because I'm a professional. 

It was really bizarre.  Like, are they still trying to control me?  Or do they appreciate me?  HOw has the narrative changed since I left?  And honestly, I only left because that crazy person tried to move my beautiful office to a closet and others weren't stopping her.  I would have put up with that crazy way too long, because I liked much of the job and I liked the life it allowed. 

Those people are crazy.  

But I'm in a better place now. So much better.  I get frustrated and stressed and work longer hours, but I'm paid almost three times as much as I started there, and my workplace is SO much less toxic.  The professionalism is SO much higher.  

OK, I guess I still miss it a little.  I miss my friends there and I miss the bayou view and I miss some of the tasks.  I miss being surrounded by people who dont look like me.  It it horrifying how white my workplace is, especially at higher levels.  

Anyway, just weird. 

belly of the beast

 I've worked for a lot of problematic systems in a lot of different places, and I never really sell out.  Even when being accused of propping up an evil regime, I insist that I work for positive change from within. 

But some systems are just really fucked up.  Maybe most.  They take on a life of their own and consume the innocent, while those within frantically try to keep propping it up because it benefits them even if harming others.  Even when individuals within are very positive and helpful, the good gets distorted.  

I'm in one again and it's rough.  I see harm, I speak up, I piss people off.  

I feel sharp.*  My mind is sharp, my skills are honed.  I don't have any confusion or muddled brain currently.  I'm doing fine.  I resent the long work hours but I'm working for retirement.  The stress is rough but I just had a major stressor resolve itself and I'm sailing for a minute.  Perhaps related, my gut issues are not acting up right now.  

I'm sharp beyond my job though.  I see big picture.  I've been working big picture a long time.

My friend - whose Netflix account I hijack - though our relationship is more like Platonic on Apple TV - suggested to me that I watch the Diplomat, saying it reminds him of me.  And I just started but I can see it.  I have landed in situations requiring me to quickly assess and act accordingly.

I'm not saying I'm bored with this new job already, but I will say that I miss the international work.  I have been to the world's fucking coolest places while being paid.  

What's my point?  I don't know.  Just that I see through pretty quickly and I call it out.  It doesn't make me popular.  I don't give a fuck.  Once people know me, they seem how I'm hard-working and have integrity, and I sort of grow on them.  But now I'm reverting back to my teaching days, about not smiling until Christmas. 

People can underestimate me because I'm a fat middle-aged woman.  I refuse to comply with their assessment.  I do not have to be jolly or maternal or any of those things.  I can be a shark and I can be rude.  Often am.  Not usually on purpose, but sometimes.  And I am very dogged.  Most people learn that resistance to me is futile.  

Maybe I can make improvements from within.  I've certainly done it before. But mostly now I think I need to develop a better work-life balance that lets me not focus on work so much.  There's more to life.  And I'm just here for the paycheck. 

*It's kind of stunning how much sharper I feel when I bike to work.