Sunday noon

It's a gorgeous day and all I can think is how much I don't want to go to work tomorrow.  

Don't misunderstand - I like my job quite a lot.  I'm sculpting it to work very well for me, at last for the time being.  It's interesting and engaging and rewarding and I'm appreciated.  It's behind the scenes and strategic.  It's all the things I could want.

But it's still a job.  That I have to go to.

And don't misunderstand - I don't want to work from home.  Not right now.  Not in this chaotic disrupted space with storm damage unrepaired.  

But I want more.  Like so many people who have quit and not returned to jobs for wanting more.  More life, more possibility, beyond sucking it up to "the man."  

I should be able to take off days for nice weather.  I should have more holidays.  I should have abundant annual leave.  Instead, I earn no leave for the probation period (six months) and then it's a paltry ten days off per year.  Only two weeks off per year?  Why?

I do have sick time, which I never use at any job.  Maybe I should use it at this job?  For mental health days?  When the weather is so nice that my wellbeing requires I be out in it? 

I've just been out and about, swapping native plant for seeds with a pal, walking the dog.  Puttering around in back, now I need to do work in front.  The hammock is out and I plan some time in it today.  

I just want - like so many of us who have to work full-time in a job because we have no other way to survive - more life, less job.  I love to work and I love the identity my career provides me, but I also want spontaneous time off.  

And now my lunch is done cooking so I eat and go back outside.  Maybe I'll weedwhack today, so desperately necessary. 

cooler weather

 A true cold front rolled in, alhamdulillah, and it's chilly.  I wore autumnal clothes to work and was comfortable.  I slept with a blanket and almost slept through the night.  It's amazing.  The only downside is that it's been suuuuper windy, but we'll take it.  

The dog is over the moon about this cool weather - every time we go outside she runs laps of delight.  She tries to get me to always go outside with her.  She is so very full of energy I can't keep up in the least. 

We are a cold weather pair, we discovered that for certain up north.  I just don't like slippery ice.  Or gaslighting bosses.  

The cool weather energizes me, though not nearly so much as the dog.  I'm actually planning meals, I think for the first time since my return in May.  I've been living on prepared foods.  And I've been going a step healthier than cornchips, but not by too much.  On that, Costco has these frozen uncooked tortillas that I quite like - I wish they were corn but oh well, they still make a good spinach quesadilla.  I'm trying to keep my meal planning modest in case I shut down again, but I've taken fish and ground beef out of my freezer in hopes of meals to pair with potatoes and mizuna (from my garden), squash and wild rice (which I somehow bought a large tub of at Costco).  

Speaking of food procurement, I'm having yard eggs delivered this morning.  They will be very dirty and that is ok.  They're only $3/dozen and I don't frankly know how she manages to keep them so inexpensive - from my own experience I know feed is expensive.  But I'm kind of excited about this.  I would like to get as much local food as I can, but it can run so much more expensive that it's hard to justify when on a tight budget as I am.  

Friends gave me a lot of seeds for my garden but some haven't been growing, so I put in some replacements - calendula and chamomile.  This is the kind of task that looms large in my mind, trying to get the gumption to do it, feeling taunted by it for weeks - and then it takes no more than 5 minutes and handwashing to have it done.  It will be nice to have flowers and hopefully I'll use them for medicine.  Have a couple more beds to plant - chard and mizuna and cabbage in one, beets and carrots and radishes in another - which I"m probably planting too late but oh well.  We'll see how it goes.  I have some beans and squash in a bed that I planted waaaay too late for them, but since it's a la nina year who knows what winter will look like.  And I figured the beans could fix nitrogen even if I don't get to eat from them.  They're placeholder beans.  The deep beds for the root vegetables are all fucked up because I ran into them with my truck.  It's right at the street so visible and I need to somehow hide the damage, though that just fits in with my whole vibe of trashy front yard.  The native plants I've been very slowly putting in are all taking quite well - so far there's beautyberry and mealy blue sage and frogfruit and aquatic milkweed.  Hopefully it's less windy today and I"ll have a couple hours late this afternoon to do some more planting and mulching. Yesterday was talking with a coworker about the mental health good that comes from digging in the dirt.  (I'm trying to not be bitter that I have to work today.)  I think once I get the yard in and it starts to grow and fill in that it'll look quite nice in a certain way.  I'm liking that I won't have to water much.  Now I have near limitless water because I have a dehumidifier running all the time and it's pulling more than ten gallons of water a day.  It's nuts.  But my hope is if I can ever find someone to correctly fix my windows and ceilings and roof that this humidity issue will be solved (currently water is running into the exteruir wall and out the interior of the windows anytime it rains).  

I dream of the day these issues will be solved and I can actually move into this house.  With rugs and cupboards and a couch that isn't disgusting.  To be living in a damaged place that I can't move forward with is very stressful and demoralizing.  And I'm really struggling to find people to do repairs well.  And I'm struggling too with the knowledge that I may have to go through this every year.  Probably not every single year, but all too often until I leave here.  And that leaving timeline is anywhere from about one to five years probably, depending on housing market and job satisfaction.  I know I can't live in this house when I can't handle stairs anymore - it's elevated up about twelve steps - but I also have to realize that when the dog gets old that it will be a problem too.  

Also of course i'm just over this house.  It's the house I've owned the longest (nearly six years now) and have loved the least.  It's just been practical - from the big backyard and quiet for the dog to the studio in the back helping cover the mortgage.  But it's been a pain in the ass since the beginning, often for things out of my control - like how the water company KEEPS DIGGING UP MY FRONT YARD AND LEAVING IT DESTROYED.  Massive sinkholes and various other problems which they refuse to fix.  But also the house itself and its weird layout and post-katrina reconstruction.  Almost zero closets, small rooms with bad flow, not level floors, and a bunch of bondo-level repairs that are coming to roost now.  It's not a great house nor a great neighborhood - it has absolutely none of the New Orleans charm that lured me here.  IT's just practical. And it does work, and I'm grateful.  But when I sell it there will be zero nostalgia, like I'm having now for my last house up north.  And it will likely be hard to sell for all its quirks - it was on the market for a looong time before I bought it.  I'll need another housing price surge like what we just had and has passed now.  

Local friends on Facebook posting about how exhausting and difficult it is to live here. Yep.  100%.  I've not ever encountered anywhere more difficult, for the constant barrage of hits from every angle. Especially true if a homeowner and have been here for decades.  It's easy to gloss over the challenges at first, but once in it, it's just so hard.  Nothing works right.  

not an easy place to live

 I am so tired of trying to reach the insurance company to correct their estimate.  My windows are going to be wicked expensive to repair.  I just talked again to a carpenter who told me he costs 30 times more than I make.  I have to work a whole week for one of his company's hours (two guys).  Look, I'm willing to pay a premium to get things done, but ... that's kind of insane.  And it's so hard to find somebody good.  

I'm so tired of trying to get the water company to fix the damage to my yard and driveway that was done eight months ago.  

I'm so tired of trying to find a roofing company that will actually put on a roof to last more than a few years.  

I'm so tired of the constant threat of violence.  I'm tired of the constant road construction that never gets fixed.  

I think Ida may have been my final straw.  There is nothing really holding me here, just a comfortable familiarity. 

the best of me

 The best of me is going to work.  I'm on it, and it takes all of me.  I do good work and I am recognized for that; I'm behind the scenes making plans get developed and realized.  It's the position I like to be in, very comfortable as I stride between places I need to appear to be in simultaneously.  Even when I'm told to draft edicts about ridiculousness, I'm able to figure out a way.  I'm on fire, TBH. 

But fires burn out.  I'm trying to slow burn, I really am - I want to be hot embers, not raging bonfire.  

I'm still burned out from my last job, the 24/7 on call still haunting me.  The always having to carry a phone, the middle of the night calls, the lack of any boundary between work and life.  The pandemic didn't make it worse because the problem was severe before then.  The pandemic just let me do it in my pajamas.  

And so I am very careful in this new job.  I show up right on time, I leave for lunch, I exit on time.  I do not carry the work cell phone unless I leave during work hours, and I do not work from home.  Usually.  Yesterday I did because there was a severe storm rolling in and my tarped roof had snapped up in the middle recently, plus my windows leak like crazy thanks to hurricane damage.  And so I brought home the laptop and cell phone and I kept plugging away. It was a busy day before that, with lots of work thrown at me which will be long-term projects.  And so I kept sending relevant information to one of the people I report to, and it was all fine and then at 4:02 pm he responded with "Thanks, I'll read this.  What is your personal cell phone number?"

I shut down that laptop so fast it was like pushing a rattlesnake away.  

Why the fuck would he need my personal cell phone number?  I have a work cell phone and the number is right there in my email signature.  He didn't try to call that.  

And to be fair, I like this guy a lot and I think he's careful not to try to burn me out.  And if he asks again in person, I'll explain how careful I need to be to maintain separation between life and work. This is especially relevant right now because I'm forced to work a weekend soon, and holidays I was expecting are not being observed after all.  I think he'll understand. 

I'm putting all the best of me in those work hours and there's very little left of me after.  I don't have the energy for making more calls and so I'm woefully behind on my roof, other repairs, and insurance.  Thankfully the roofing company has a salesman who knows fuck-all about roofs but he's a very good salesman and keeps following up with me in a non-annoying fashion.  Hopefully that deal can happen.  I know I'm a major PITA but I want to know that the $12,000 roof I'm buying is with the ventilation and shingles type and installation that I want.  The salesguy goes away after I sign the contract, and I need the project manager to know exactly the terms.  I don't think I'm being ridiculous at all but apparently this is unusual.  

I really need to get these things done but I do not have the bandwidth.  I'm maxed out, stressed out.  

And the dissertation is ... ugh.  Not happening.  The yard is veeerrrry slowly coming along.

And I just feel like this is usual in many places, this expectation that we give our all to our job and the rest of our life is just for the crumbs of energy and interest.  Even when I have so carefully found a non-demanding job compared to others, there's still this demand to own me.  

I need to redirect.  I need recapture some of me for life.  

And I need to get my fucking house repaired and I need to finish my PhD.  Those should be important goals.  More than doing the impossible at work where I answer to many different people who don't communicate so have no idea how much work they're piling on me. 

things to like about my job

 Because someday the drama will be focused at me and I will need to remember these things:

1. Good health insurance.  I already have new glasses which I desperately needed, and a very extensive health screening.  Next up, dentist.  And maybe a podiatrist because the tops of my feet have been very painful for a year.

2. Short hours.  I really only work 6.5 hour per day.  That's fantastic.  

3.  Close to home. It's about three miles each way, about 12 minute not stressful commute.  The only stress is road construction and school zones (a lot of them).  Bicycling would help with those issues somewhat and I would really enjoy.  I may be able to get a bike rack installed.  

4.  View from my window is mostly of nature and it's soothing and helps contemplation when I'm stuck in a thought.  There's a little duck family that hangs out and they are an absolute delight to watch.  

5.  I'm one of very few white people there.  I have usually found more success and connection when not with all white people and this is not exception.  In my last job I kept pushing for racial justice and only could get lip service from comfortable white liberals; now I have to convince nobody about its importance. And there's something about moving in spaces - I feel more myself when not exclusively with white people, that I can exhale and move my body more freely.  It's hard to explain but I can stride more fully.  And also, if you're the kind of person who wears stilettos to work, I'm sorry that I'm going to walk past you as you teeter about because I'm wearing comfortable shoes and clothes all day every day. 

6.  The job itself is very appealing to me as I am sculpting it - I essentially get to research and write about issues all day.  Questions are lobbed at me and i get to dig into them.  It's so amazing to have the time and space to do this and super enjoyable.  Then I have a work product that people laud.  Honestly I don't know if they even read these reports and memos but they like the production of them.  I'm not probably better than my predecessor, but I know how to package things better - use the organization letterhead, frame things succinctly.  They really like me right now.  I know that can easily change, but I'll enjoy it for now.  The only downside is that then I've used all that research and write energy up and I don't want to do academic work like my dissertation.

7.  Zero on call or weekend work usually.  Sometimes there are special issues popping up that will require some weekend or evening work, but that's the exception instead of the rule.  And I am no longer required to carry my cell phone everywhere.  Plus they gave me a company cell phone AS SHOULD ALWAYS BE THE CASE UNLIKE MY STUPID LAST JOB WHERE THEY SHARED MY PERSONAL CELL PHONE NUMBER WITH EVERYONE BEFORE I EVEN STARTED.  Do I still feel rage about last job?  Sure.  But also I saved a ton of money from that job and worked from my couch during the pandemic and it's in my rearview mirror, so eventually I'll stop being bitter.  

8.  If the pay bump really does happen, I'll be earning ok money and be able to save again and not stress. 

a day

 Well, this has been a pretty successful day.

1. Got a new washing machine installed,

2. Have a raise in the works I'm told (it's been a process),

3. Have convinced key people to double the number of observed holidays next year,

4. May be reaching a deal on re-roofing (long conversation while driving where the project manager got looped in, who understood what I'm asking about better shingle quality and attachment),

5. Think I've identified the bike I want.  I couldn't test drive it today, but it's not super far from work and it's the style I like, and at a price point I can afford with the extras already included (like kickstand and rack).  I'll still need to get a helmet which is wicked expensive, but this could be a deal.  I cannot get a new car right now with all the supply issues, and I'd like to drive less.  And I'd like to exercise more.  It's about six miles roundtrip, which is totally do-able at least a couple days a week, most of the time. 

Of course there are things to be dismayed about as well.  I'm not going to focus on those right now.