The best of me is going to work. I'm on it, and it takes all of me. I do good work and I am recognized for that; I'm behind the scenes making plans get developed and realized. It's the position I like to be in, very comfortable as I stride between places I need to appear to be in simultaneously. Even when I'm told to draft edicts about ridiculousness, I'm able to figure out a way. I'm on fire, TBH.
But fires burn out. I'm trying to slow burn, I really am - I want to be hot embers, not raging bonfire.
I'm still burned out from my last job, the 24/7 on call still haunting me. The always having to carry a phone, the middle of the night calls, the lack of any boundary between work and life. The pandemic didn't make it worse because the problem was severe before then. The pandemic just let me do it in my pajamas.
And so I am very careful in this new job. I show up right on time, I leave for lunch, I exit on time. I do not carry the work cell phone unless I leave during work hours, and I do not work from home. Usually. Yesterday I did because there was a severe storm rolling in and my tarped roof had snapped up in the middle recently, plus my windows leak like crazy thanks to hurricane damage. And so I brought home the laptop and cell phone and I kept plugging away. It was a busy day before that, with lots of work thrown at me which will be long-term projects. And so I kept sending relevant information to one of the people I report to, and it was all fine and then at 4:02 pm he responded with "Thanks, I'll read this. What is your personal cell phone number?"
I shut down that laptop so fast it was like pushing a rattlesnake away.
Why the fuck would he need my personal cell phone number? I have a work cell phone and the number is right there in my email signature. He didn't try to call that.
And to be fair, I like this guy a lot and I think he's careful not to try to burn me out. And if he asks again in person, I'll explain how careful I need to be to maintain separation between life and work. This is especially relevant right now because I'm forced to work a weekend soon, and holidays I was expecting are not being observed after all. I think he'll understand.
I'm putting all the best of me in those work hours and there's very little left of me after. I don't have the energy for making more calls and so I'm woefully behind on my roof, other repairs, and insurance. Thankfully the roofing company has a salesman who knows fuck-all about roofs but he's a very good salesman and keeps following up with me in a non-annoying fashion. Hopefully that deal can happen. I know I'm a major PITA but I want to know that the $12,000 roof I'm buying is with the ventilation and shingles type and installation that I want. The salesguy goes away after I sign the contract, and I need the project manager to know exactly the terms. I don't think I'm being ridiculous at all but apparently this is unusual.
I really need to get these things done but I do not have the bandwidth. I'm maxed out, stressed out.
And the dissertation is ... ugh. Not happening. The yard is veeerrrry slowly coming along.
And I just feel like this is usual in many places, this expectation that we give our all to our job and the rest of our life is just for the crumbs of energy and interest. Even when I have so carefully found a non-demanding job compared to others, there's still this demand to own me.
I need to redirect. I need recapture some of me for life.
And I need to get my fucking house repaired and I need to finish my PhD. Those should be important goals. More than doing the impossible at work where I answer to many different people who don't communicate so have no idea how much work they're piling on me.
It seems to me that you always have a list of goals you want to achieve a mile long, a mile wide. And you want them done ASAP. Sometimes the list may be unreasonable and I think that you stress out so much when you can't possibly achieve them all in the time frame you've set. This is just an observation from afar. And there is nothing wrong with setting lofty goals. They are always good goals to have. But you have to be reasonable with yourself AND with life. It is so easy to get discouraged and feel as if you aren't on the right path when you aren't knocking everything off the lists when perhaps, with more patience, more boundaries, more being easier on yourself, you might find yourself so much happier.
ReplyDeleteAnd forgive me if I am speaking out of turn. I just know that none of us have true superpowers and I want you to remember that sometimes one aspect of your life may need to take precedence over others and that is okay. Trust me, woman- you get a LOT accomplished.
I should be able to have a job and a life. I do not have the capacity to cook food or even get a fucking roof. I barely can do laundry and my house is a complete hovel. Trust me, all I can do is work. This is so common in this country
DeleteIt's also probably important to understand contextually is that I'm more likely to post frustration with myself here when I'm not being successful than when I am. Yesterday I came home from work early and was in fetal position the whole night. It sucks to be immobilized like that. I have nobody else to pick up slack - nobody else to navigate all these contracts for repairs, nobody else to put on my license plates from two months ago and get a braketag, nobody else to take my truck in for necessary repairs, nobody else to cook for me or do the dishes or paint the mildewy wall, nobody else to help get this out of control garden in some semblance of order, nobody else to help with this special needs dog. This is all me. The list is long because I have a home and a dog and a job and a need to eat. And I do not have the stamina to work a job with long hours that could pay enough to pay other people to do these things.
ReplyDeleteI understand.
ReplyDelete