mission accomplished

 So, the maps are a lie and there is no good bike path to the place where I wanted to buy cottage cheese. I had to be visible to automobiles almost the whole way and I do not care for that.  I was biking to a super busy and huge strip mall in what is essentially the suburbs (not really in terms of not being far, but suburban commercial sprawl) and had to deal with cars in the parking lots which really sucked, and then some suuuuuper long waiting for ped xing lights where there were all these major thoroughfare intersections.  So, definitely NOT my favorite bike errand BUT I got the cottage cheese.  I checked for the capers as I always do, and staff person was super helpful with looking it up, telling me I can call to check instead of having to go all the way there to look, etc.  (I reported her to a manager for being amazing.)  A large anchor store just (like this weekend) moved in right next door and I am displeased because it was a shitshow to park there earlier, and now it's even worse.  And these were both businesses I frequent, but I don't want to drive there anymore, and biking wasn't exactly fun.  Not fun in terms of not on a pretty path, but it was fun in terms of being a bicycle warrior.  Let people see me.  I'm a very successful professional making a good living who owns two automobiles including one bought brand new not long ago (though I do drive it less than 3,000 miles per year so I doubt my life choices - I bought it because it sounded like I'd have to drive long distances for work, and then they changed their minds), and I am choosing to ride around on a budget cruiser instead of drive.  No fancy gear or expensive bike, I paid about $400 about six years ago for the bike, everything included and I have gotten hundreds of miles from that bike.  And I will continue to ride it until it goes no more.  (The last bike I had in this town was one I brought with me on Greyhound or Amtrak from New Mexico, that my aunt had.  I rode that thing SO MUCH (I had no car), and then learned that the main metal tube was cracked and I just kept going.  It didn't break on me, and then when I moved away I gifted it with the warning, and hopefully it gave more safe miles.)

On, and bonus, I got a big bag of used coffee grounds for composting.  Then I went to the farmers market and got almost everything I meant to get (leeks, carrots, potatoes), and it wasn't cheap but the person there was also super nice. so maybe the key to having people, at least young women, being nice to me is keeping my neon green bike helmet and ear warmer band on while I'm shopping and looking ridiculous. 

Just talked to my neighbor over the fence, and possums have been killing their chickens.  Well, that changes my calculus and next time I may help the dog kill the possum.  

Got most of my front yard chores done, all the front yard plants in the ground plus some (I took some cuttings that I just stuck into the ground and maybe something will grow).  I also cut back a large bin of last years annuals because I see this year's annuals starting and last year I waited too long to cut back and it was a mess.  Sorry, whoever is using those old seeds and such, but you had a good run.  I look forward to seeing what is going to grow back this spring.  I thought things would be more filled in now, but I am a very neglectful gardener so it's not that surprising to have mortality.  I'm second guessing myself about waiting until October to plant the three plants I really like - seeing two of them my yard in another section made me really want them.  They're evergreen, which is nice in a large yard of deciduous.  I may put that back on my to-do list.  It's a bit of an unpleasant drive out to the plant nursery and I don't know of another good source for them.  

So yeah, a quite productive day and my body is sore.  Time to shower, some cleaning, and then curl up with a good book or maybe watch a movie.  I've been wanting to watch Sinners, today could be the day.  

I am horrified by the attack on Iran and fear for the future.  Fucking assholes who are doing this.    

blow the budget

 Yes, I went to Costco, as a break from a really hard day.  Yes, the tuna I like was on sale so I got two, and the pepitas, and the bouillon.  The dates I like were getting discontinued, grab one bag.  Peanut butter and vanilla for stock up, not sale but the prices not bad; the vanilla is good until 2031 so I can just stash it until I need it.  I'm running low, not out.  

And all that?  For $88.71.  That's a lot of money.  Looks like I have a lot of tuna and PBJ ahead of me.  Didn't see any cacao or organic almonds. I want to make more treat balls so I'll get those ingredients elsewhere.  And I had a piece of pizza, which I was craving like crazy from a colleague's email.

And it got me thinking - to really eat well, there isn't much room for crap.  LIke all three meals shoudl be on point every day.  And that can be hard, still not always getting a lot of vegetables for breakfast.  I can do legumes.  Oh, I should make lentil loaf this weekend, I like that for breakfast.  Ope, no I'm not.  Looks like I have none of the lentils I like to use for that.  Weird.  OK, looks like I haven't bought any of those for three months, so must be true.  Weird that I didn't catch it though.  I'm usually good with staying stocked up. And I took out a bin that I had on the bottom shelf for things like snacks, chocolate bars, odds and ends like soft tofu and lifesavers.  The lifesavers are no longer in my life, not the kind with sugar at least, and other things fit onto the shelf ok.  Gives more space for the 30 or so jars I have of grains and legumes and other things like nutritional yeast.   

Man, this week Wore Me Out.  Mentally.  Right now I feel ok physically and I want to lean into that.  Toying with biking to a store I want to go to for cottage cheese - it's more miles than I usually do, but maybe I want to push myself.  I also really really really need to do yard work and get the native plants into the ground THIS WEEKEND NOW.  IT's already late because soon the rains will stop.  It's time for some semi-deep cleaning, and I need to cook a lot.  For certain tofu and squash with greens, and roasted vegetable salad (with leeks and white beans).  Maybe tempeh chili.  Possibly cook a pot of pinto beans to eat with corn tortillas in my freezer.  Maybe leek potato soup.  Maybe a carrot salad.  Maybe garbanzo spread.  I'm going to overspend my budget and I'm ok with that.  I'll eat fish this week, too - maybe salmon, maybe tuna, maybe sardines.  I need to finish up those fermented pickles I made months ago.  

There was an overeating day this week, I think it was Wednesday.  I was STARVING.  So very very hungry, I couldn't focus.  There were Girl Scout cookies in the breakroom and I ate one, then another.  On the bikeride home I got about six chocolate pretzels (the bulk food price was 27 cents, so I know it wasn't much).  I had a PBJ and crackers and cheese with an apple, plus the vegetables soup I had and other normal foods like a burrito, oh and last little bit of lentil barley soup.  I was just so hungry.  I do not like that.  Fortunately it was just the one day.  

Oh, it looks like the route to the store I want to go to is actually a really nice one.  I need to get out and do more biking just for fun or for further destinations, not only for the commutes and nearby errands.  I think I'd like that.  

***

Just got my electric/water bill, and the electric consumption is half what it was last year.  I want to credit my nice new heat pump water heater, but it's probably just because I had the bathroom renovated last year and they kept cranking up the baseboard heat, which is not energy efficient.  Good reminder to credit my heat pump ductless heating system, though.  Those energy efficient upgrades are definitely things that I am glad I did.  There are limits to energy efficiency though, and utilities are just expensive.  The very basic charge for water/sewer/wastewater is $81.  My actual measured use of 1 kgal cost about $8 all told.  Basic charge for electric is $39; my actual use cost about $80 (27kWh per day, which is mostly heating, plus water heating, plus clothesdryer in winter; May-October I use less than 10 kWh/day)  Honestly I think the most energy/cost efficient thing to do is have more people living in the house so the heat is for more than just me.  Though of course anybody else would want to make it warmer and spend more.  It's set at 61 right now and I'm fine.  I needed to crank to 66 the other night but I think I was just really tired and that makes me very cold.  

I've still got the longer bike ride on the new-to-me bike path on my mind for this morning, even though I keep getting warned about precipitation by the weather app.  I'd prefer the weather get up above 40 before i head out since I'll be riding along water so even chillier, but I want to go before the rain hits.  I'm excited about the new adventure and hope I don't get thwarted. 

When I got home last night from work, I laundered my work clothes so they can hang dry over the weekend.  Along with jackets and blouses and pants, I laundered my Costco receipt.  I could only make out a few numbers, and so I looked at all the items and tried to remember the prices.  It was a good memory exercise and I was actually within a dollar on most things.  I feel like I get price blindness at Costco, don't most of us?  It's a good deal, something I use anyway, on sale, etc.  Like the better than bouillon vegetable base (low sodium) - I use it a lot, and for a much smaller jar at another store it's about $9, but this large jar is on sale for $7.  HOw can I pass up that deal?  I can get it at the nearby department store for cheaper but they don't have the low sodium types or the vegetable type, and it's SO salty it's essentially unusable for me.  The tuna on sale comes out to like $2/can, and it's the ethically harvested, etc.  I can buy cheaper tuna (or maybe I can't anymore, tbh), but it's from dredging oceans and other awful practices.  I like how this tastes better, too.  I love pepitas and a much smaller bag at the store is like $13, but these were on sale for $7.50.  Anyway, I know that I don't have to convince anyone about my grocery purchases, just have to justify for myself.  And I'm feeling justified.  

Last night I heard a familiar bark from the past - there was a possum on the fence and Ziggy was barking her possum bark while leaping up to grab it.  The possum was flummoxed and didn't know where to go because there was also another dog on the other side and I could not convince it to go further down the fence where there was no dog on the other side and just go on the ground.  It was very confused and kept turning around and soon my dog would have grabbed it's tail and yanked it down and I would be dealing with possum entrails.  Fortunately my dog let me hook her to a leash and bring her inside - she didn't even fight me at all which makes me think she was doing this aggression for show and she didn't really want to gut the possum any more than I wanted her to.  She is such a funny dog, very rule-bound, but the rules are of her creation.  They're very elaborate rules which often I have no idea about, like last night when was walking me to bed, heeling perfectly, and did not want to be pet or praised because she was WORKING dammit.  

OK, this is going to be a good weekend.  I'll get plenty of exercise, I'll quilt and read books from the library, I'll cook tasty healthy meals.  I'm foregoing social activities because I don't have the bandwidth to do it all, and that is ok.  

 My dog is so sweet - she just reminded me to put things on the porch for pickup this morning.  I had the bin inside by the front door since last night, and she just sat staring at it until I moved it out this morning, which was great because I would have forgotten otherwise. 

Breakfast is garbanzo spread, with fermented pickles (used them all up!  NOw have to decide if I want to try to use the brine for something or not), pepperoncini, onion, tahini, and sunflower seeds.  I always like the taste of this no matter what I put into it (I miss capers), with two exceptions: (1) I can get tired of it before it's gone, and (2) when I eat it for breakfast I'm often hungry right away.  So I'm trying to increase the seed ratio to get more healthy fats to sustain me.  I eat it on the same whole grain sourdough that i eat with cheese, and that combination sustains me all morning.  So I feel like I should be able to beef this up somehow (while not actually using beef of course).  

It's still cold out but I'm going to bundle up, gloves and ear protection ready, and I plan to head out.  I'd like to get the errands done first because it's even colder to be digging in very cold wet soil to plant, but I really hope to do that later today and to not lose my mojo with the long bikeride.  I'm going to risk it though.  OK, ticker is telling me that rain is coming in about an hour, so it's time to head out.  Yay me.   

against the wind

 I needed to be at work this morning and I couldn't find my gloves and headband (to keep my ears warm) ANYWHERE.  Fuck it, I said, and I thought about getting in my car but then I jumped on my bike and rode in the 34 degrees without gloves or ear protection and I survived.  It felt colder on the ride home a few hours later, honestly, and I stopped at the library for another book.  It was breezy and cold.  Not a fan.  But I'm so glad I biked to work.  I'm so glad that's my default whenever possible.  

True story: the gear is actually where it should be.  I just didn't remember putting it away there and so I looked everywhere BUT there.  Silly me.  

I tried to leave work early today but then was invited to a meeting.  Clearly I was an afterthought but I still made time because they needed me even more than they realized.  They do not thank me enough.  I go above and beyond all the time, and most people just take me for granted.  That's frustrating.  Fuck 'em.  I won't be doing this forever, and I'm pulling bank.  That's actually probably why they don't thank me - they think the paycheck does.  But I will say it's pretty damn funny how much trouble I got into for not appreciating people constantly for just doing the minimum level of their job, when I'm going above and beyond without a single word of gratitude.  I'm tired of the shit stopping with me.  It's not forever ... it's not forever ... it's not forever ... 

OK, thinking of later this year ... I think that I may not freeze more peaches.  I'm not enjoying them as much as last year.  Canning is fine though - I can them in a mix of juice and water.  Only water bleaches out the taste, I think.  No sugar, but just some juice to keep the flavor is good.  I do a mix of apple and white grape juice.  They turned out pretty good.  This is the only time that I consume juice (not the whole fruit), so it's ok.  

I still shouldn't probably pick any more blueberries - I'm still working on from 2024.  I just don't care for them that much.  Strawberries are what I really like.  But I still have pounds of apples in my fridge that I need to eat. I do eat them, just not every day.  And of course I have a ton of dried fruit to eat.  It's not something that I overeat - I'll eat a few pieces of it here and there when I want something sweet.  No large consumption of it.  I have a quart jar of dried pears that's been in my fridge for months and it's only starting to get low now.  I have a ton in my freezer.  

I think I may put in a plum tree and keep removing the purple plums that I don't really like much.  I may also put in a quince tree.  There was one more I was thinking of - oh, Asian pear.  They grow really well here.  I just don't really care for them so maybe I need to try more of them.  

I wish I could find grits somewhere.  I do like a big pot of cheesey grits with greens from time to time.  It's been years.  I'm sure I could order them but I'm bummed they aren't in the bulk foods I frequent.  I'm nicely underspent on food for this month, so if I have the energy tomorrow or Saturday I may go to Costco and get almonds, peanut butter, cacao, and dog treats.  Though ... I could get all those things at my bulk store, and the peanut butter would be fresh.  Hm.  I do like Costco; it's not like Whole Foods or some nasty big chain.  I want to support my small local grocery/distributor.  It's a nice bike ride there rather than a gallon of gas to Costco.  Hm.  OK, I'll just admit it, I like Costco.  Not when it's over packed, but on most days, it's fun to walk through and see things.  Also, I could just make dog treats again like I used to.  Sourdough with sardines and squash?  She'd love it.   

 

reuse

There is a grocery store near to me (bicycling distance, and on the route between home and work) that sources as much as possible from a local distributor, who sources from local growers.  That's not everything, but it includes things like lentils and flour and barley.  So I like to buy from there when I can.  

And one day a week, that store give 15% off bulk food products.  So, I make lists.  This week, it was crushed red pepper, red lentils, and pinto beans.  

And I go with quart size plastic containers from cottage cheese and such, and a couple of small containers for spices, and I fill them up.  Then I get home and transfer to large jars I've saved.  And I gently handwash the plastic containers I use for travel; I'm not crazy about plastic but hopefully the microplastic distribution is minimized this way.  

Today I realized that each of those plastic containers has at least five different codes written on it, so I've reused them that often.  My preference is to reuse them because I have a tare weight on them and the bar codes are covered to not be a pain, so I have about seven containers I keep reusing.  I don't usually need to get more than that at a time.  If I did, I'd add more to the stash.  I tried taking glass jars directly to the store and it was a pain to fill and transport them, so these plastic containers work much better. 

I keep them in a cloth bag that I got many years ago at an event.  I prefer cloth for this over other reusable options that I often use, because I can launder it, and with the containers I don't need a bag with more form to keep from tipping over.  Plus I'm nearly always biking there, so it just goes in a bike basket.  

There's something about this acquisition of goods that pleases me on each level.  Reduced fossil fuel load, supporting local growers and sellers who are committed to treating employees well, etc.  And yes, when I fill bags with items, I reuse those bags as much as I can, but I've got enough bags now.  More than enough of the produce bags, and I need to start diligently reusing them and not getting new ones.  And after I use them a while, they become bags for sharing food, or picking up animal waste, etc.  Again, trying to minimize microplastics while maximizing reuse.  

It's not a perfect system, I know.  But it's a satisfying one.  It doesn't take too much extra time or bandwidth to just show up prepared with marked containers, and honestly it's a lot easier to transport than with flimsy bags that rip and spill.  And I very much like handling my errands by bicycle.  

Speaking of, I'm trying to get excited about bicycling to the office today.  I need to head there soon and it's only 32 degrees out right now.  I can delay a little bit, but not too much.  Better jump in the shower soon and then bundle up.  I don't really enjoy bicycling in the cold but it's not the worst thing in the world - and in fact is much much better than driving the distance and dealing with paying for a parking garage.  I hate that parking garage and go to great lengths to avoid it.   

sardines

 Had sardines again for breakfast and I think I'm getting to the "they're not so bad" phase.  Actually I rather enjoyed them today.  I toasted whole grain (wheat and rye) sourdough (which tbh honest is a little gummy I think because underproofed because I was in a hurry, but there's that German dark bread that's gummy and so I just think of this as being like that) and then followed the Mila Kunis method.  Not that I'm some huge fan of hers or anything, but I saw a little clip of her with Jimmy Kimmel where she talked about this and it seems to be good.  On the dark bread, a thin layer of butter.  Then spread sardines (for me, half a tin, mashed a bit) and add thinly sliced onion and lemon juice.  I also add some fermented pickle which is a nice addition.  Red onions would be nicer but I just use what I have (yellow).  Not sure I need the butter, could just be sardines and pickle on dark bread probably.  

Sardines are kind of a joke, like anchovies are.  "Don't put on anchovies on the pizza!" is a common refrain, but anchovies are a fantastic umami bomb.  And I definitely like tuna, and sardines are a little milder I think than tuna.  There was a sitcom recently with Damon Wayans father and son, and one of the things I liked was Sr.'s oft-repeated comments about his diabetes.  Sometimes it was a joke but a lot of times not, just like a who the fuck would eat doughnuts like that kind of thing - which is healthy questioning of an unhealthy society's norms.  And he always wanted sardines.  And a young politician was recently talking about eating sardines every day.  Eating them for breakfast like this is considerably healthier than the cheese toast I often eat for breakfast - I need fat to not be hungry immediately, and cheese is the quick fix for that.  But why not sardines?  

We'll see how this goes. 

We got the walk in this morning though it was raining pretty hard.  So hard that the dog refused to go outside until I had her leashed up to get in the car, so she probably hadn't been outside for like 14 hours.  Stopped by Friend's house to drop off lentil-barley soup and a squash.  She is sick, and who feels like cooking while they're sick?  Not me for sure. 

Still feeling good, I got seeds started.  Peppers, sorrel, greens, alliums.  Three trays worth, which I put into a clear bin on my table near the window.  Probably not warm enough in my house to be peak germination, but we'll see.  The pots are reusable silicon that I got on clearance, and the potting soil was on clearance a couple of years ago.  I can probably uplevel everything but here I am and it's fine.  Once they germinate, I may move them onto a rack with a light.  Maybe.  We'll see.  This isn't something I particularly enjoy doing - I much prefer just tossing seeds around outside and seeing what grows.  

So far just emailing for work and not a meeting, but I'm sure it's coming.  Sigh.  

Oh damn, I meant to start the perennial kale and I forgot.  Oh well.  Next weekend I'll plant some more seeds. 

OK, what else today to do.  Laundry for sure, shower, cook for today and prep for tomorrow.  Quilt, read.  Boom, that's a relaxing Sunday but for the job.  It's ok, I don't have to do this job work every weekend, just sometimes.  And I'm paid well.  I really think that if the stock market doesn't tank, and I don't have any emergencies, that I'll be able to fully retire in three years.  That's a looooong time in my shitty job, and I'm only halfway there, but I should be positioned to be ok and not have to try to get a new job, which will also annoy me.  If I have an exit date, I should be able to survive.  

 

still gaining

 Scale says I gained 0.2 pounds this week and I'm a little baffled.  Yes, I did have a cardamom roll yesterday, but otherwise I'm wracking my brain about high calorie consumption over the past week.  I was still eating nuts until a few days ago and I definitely ate too many of those and those are high calorie.  The tofu squash I made had 7 T in the recipe and I cut it a bit after I realized, but that was still like 6 T over 4 servings, which doesn't seem awful, but I guess all of it adds up?  I did also have two bite-size candies over the course of the past week, from offices I visited.  Otherwise, my diet is things like lentils and barley and squash and tofu and sardines.  There is still cheese on bread more days than not, and I did yesterday have a PBJ sandwich when I was hungry and just starting to make dinner which would take over an hour, but ... it doesn't feel fair somehow.  

Though I should focus on how it is just 0.2# gain, and I will turn it around now, and not again get one of those big bags of nuts from Costco.  Raw nuts in moderation for me.   The roasting just makes them too tasty, and the big bags lead me to overindulgence.  And I do seem to go through a lot of oil so that's something to watch out for.  

What I'm trying to avoid is having to log every single calorie I consume because I find it really tedious.  For someone who tracks so many things both personal and at work, it's just one more annoyance.  But, the tracking every single penny I spend has been super helpful with reining in especially food spending, so maybe this is just what I have to do.  I've tried numerous apps to make it easier, but because I don't eat things with labels, and because I eat such variety, entering all those recipes is a pain (especially because I often don't measure things when cooking).  

But if that's what I have to do to start losing weight again, then I guess it's what I'll do.  The larger underlying concern though is that I don't want to get to a goal weight, loosen up my monitoring, and just yo yo right back up.  And I don't want to be strict with food consumption for the rest of my life.  I want to enjoy things mindlessly - so long as I'm focused around whole foods, I don't want to measure and ration strictly.  

Anyway, it's a bummer to be three pounds heavier than I was three weeks ago.  But it's not the end of the world and I won't get derailed.  

farmers market mission achieved

The farmers market didn't have quite all that I was looking for, but it's ok.  For $20, I got

- a pastry that I've been wanting for months from my favorite bakery

- beets with greens, a large potato, and a large head of green cabbage (I'll make borscht probably in the crockpot on Monday, and a pasta dish with the rest of the cabbage sauteed with pancetta, and something with the beet greens I haven't yet decided on - maybe the farro beet feta salad I like so much)

- tatsoi raab which I will lightly saute with ginger, garlic, soy sauce, maybe sesame oil (sesame oil is strong flavored so I use it sparingly but it sometimes hits the spot), and probably eat with roasted squash and tofu later in the week 

- radicchio for a salad, possibly with farro and white beans

I didn't get leeks or other things yet that I will use in the future because of course I can return next week to the market.  They didn't have dill and I stopped at the store but theirs was $3.65 and not as aromatic as I would like so I just wanted to check I don't have half a bunch frozen tucked in my freezer before I buy some or decide to settle on using dried (not my favorite but works in a pinch).  

So, a good haul, very focused on what I will make in the foreseeable future.   Also I have leftover squash and tofu (which I am enjoying more than I thought I would, though it was still way too much oil in the recipe), and I will make barley and red lentil stew.  All this, plus the various burritos I've been making and freezing, and tuna or sardines, may take me to next weekend.  Cool.  

So now it's 11 am and I want to do more with my day.  There's an event nearby I may swing through since I can walk, and I want to do some planting or at least planning.  Getting peas into the ground sounds good, and I might start some lettuce, etc. in pots.  There are some native plants I picked up two weeks ago that I need to get planted soon, I'm just not certain where they're best so I'm pondering.  Then shower, clean, cook, read, quilt.  Rinse and repeat tomorrow, adding dog walk.  I do though probably have to have a work meeting in the afternoon on Sunday which has me pretty bummed and so I'm going hard into the weekend to feel some down time has happened.  

OK, got the peas planted and gearing up to plant shallots (got from someone, haven't grown before but sure do like to eat them).  Need to go through all my seeds and plan out the rest of this year as we're starting to get into it, and also see if there's anything I want that I may be able to source somewhere.  I think I'm also going to try to commit to not growing everything I want to eat.  Frankly, I don't have to, and some things are just a pain in the ass for me to grow because I don't want to deal with pests.  Beets and chard for example, just get destroyed by leaf miners.  But they're easy to buy locally from farmers, or even in the supermarket.  Herbs I seem to struggle with for some reason, though they may be worth figuring out because I spend a lot on them.  I will 100% again grow things like summer and winter squash, turnips, peas, green beans, cucumbers, tomatoes (though fewer and probably only paste tomatoes), etc. etc.  And I'll also grow beans for drying to grex and share.  I'm also trialing cucumbers for low-water growing.  I grew some last year that were absolutely fantastic (excellent taste, heavy fruiting), but they're a proprietary hybrid.  So, what can I grow that's open pollinated?  I'm going to try.  I am growing carrots this year with more intentionality and higher production - they're just so great from the garden and I can eat a ton of them and they store well.  I might try cabbages again - they weren't as great as I'd hoped (lots of slug issues and they took FOREVER to grow - many many months) and they're very easy to source locally.  I got some seeds for some funkier things like escarole, radicchio.  Oh, and I think I got some collard seeds, and if I didn't I'll find some.  There's a local grex that I'm told grows great here.  I would like to grow some leeks and someday onions, and I'm grateful my garlic grows so well though now I know that next year I should plant more because I'm almost out of it, only seven months post-harvest and five more months until the next harvest.  I'm growing potatoes this year since I got the recycled raised beds. I want to grow peppers but I've not done great when starting from seed myself, so I may get some transplants.  A jalapeno would be great as I love pickling them, and the poblano is my pepper of choice for almost everything.  I don't care for bell peppers.   

Yes, I miss the ease with which I could grow okra and sweet potatoes in my previous life, but it's not worth the hassle to grow them here.   

Maybe the way I frame this is that I grow the easy stuff now while I'm working full time in a stressful job.  Maybe when I retire I'll want to battle pests more, but I just don't have the bandwidth now.  Besides, there are so many easy things to grow, and I eat so well from my garden for much of the year without trying too hard.  

OK, got shallots planted AND another type of shelling pea.  I should probably also grow some of the snow peas but I just don't like them much.  But I have them, so maybe.  I'll eat them ok a few times but they're not like cucumbers or green beans or cabbage or winter squash which I will eat almost every day.  I also got seeds ordered, and I pilfered some from the storage.  Not pilfering, I'm 100% welcome to take them.  I would need to seed start onions and leeks right now and I'm not really feeling that.  Maybe I will tomorrow.  And if not, I'll plant them next year.  I also came upon a perennial kale which I'll for sure grow.  I think I have a little corner that I'll put perennials in, like I have rhubarb there which is growing really well, and maybe some perennial leeks.  Not sure I want to give up the space for artichokes though I do think they're gorgeous.  Maybe back over by the compost bins, though I don't think there's enough space.

I finally feel better.  I got the pneumonia vaccine over two weeks ago and I have felt shitty ever since, but today I feel ok.  Like the inflammation is reducing.  Mind you, I'm no anti-vaccer - I vaccinate regularly and I'm grateful that they exist.  But my body's homeostatis is fragile.  There are reasons I don't do drugs, take medications, drink alcohol, eat ultraprocessed foods, etc.  So to feel better again after feeling shitty, is great.  I'm not so overwhelmed.  I can finish things, like organizing seeds, cleaning the oven because I see it needed it, etc.  Things that can feel so overwhelming when I'm not feeling good.  

Got the barley lentil stew made.  I always like it.  Barley is so great.  Got the recipe off the back of the bag of barley when it was on sale, and I'm glad I did.   

tofu

 Well, today is an exciting day.  I finally seem to prefer tofu over meat.  I especially like the texture when it's been frozen, chewy.  It takes flavors great, especially things like ginger and garlic and sesame like I made tonight.  

In other "moving towards vegan" news, my digestive system has been fucked up in the mornings and I'm wondering if it's the half and half I put into my coffee. I may try to eliminate that.  Wish me luck.  I've been putting cream in my coffee since 1989, when I moved to Germany and started drinking very dark coffee and got too high off it without a fat chaser to slow it down.  I may first try to just drink some milk with it and see if that solves the problem.  I'll give up coffee if I need to, it won't be the end of the world, but I sure would miss it.  

I"m still not ready to give up cheese, though the tariffs are taking parmesan off my shopping list.  

Yesterday I stocked up at the grocery store that has Wednesday discount off bulk foods - black beans, white beans, quinoa.  I wanted to get pinto beans but they were out.  This weekend I'm planning to stock up on farmers market produce, and my fridge is bare in anticipation.  Yay me.  I had eyed some baby bok choi or tatsoi and I wish I'd grabbed it, because some of that would be perfect now.  I cooked winter squash and tofu with a sauce of oil, soy sauce, garlic, ginger, etc.  And it was really too much oil, and it's maybe even a little too seasoned.  Having something like tatsoi would be great along with it.  I like to use the squash as the base of the meal instead of rice or whatever else.  I still like grains but I've got a lot of squash to use up.  

Oh, and I also had a fermented pickle chopped up with the sardine.  The pickles are pretty soggy now after all these months, so not the most enjoyable to eat standalone, but this was fine.  I'm getting closer to emptying that quart jar, and also making progress on the quart jar or dehydrated pears in my fridge.  I'll use up some gochujang with baking some tofu soon.  Put a block of tofu into the freezer since i like that texture.  Going through the fridge, using things up.  Need to use up those fresh herbs soon.  I have flax seed meal and almond flour to use up - I think I"ll make that low-sugar chocolate cherry cake again that I liked and worked so well to freeze individual slices to thaw for a treat.  I want to start using flaxseed meal in place of eggs, and I think I'll make various other changes to the cake such as using applesauce instead of oil.  I also have cassava flour in my cupboard that I need to use up.  My freezer in the kitchen (I have a small storage one in the laundry room as well, which I organized and made a list of what's in there to be focused on using it up) is getting emptier, which is great.  I do not like it when it's overstuffed and I can't find anything!  There were three bags of sliced sourdough buried in there, for example.  I need to get a better system, maybe some little tubs, for organizing the bits and bobs I save at the ends of things - like the parmesan rind to throw into soups, the last bit of the cilantro or parsley bunch chopped up, the peeled ginger chunks, the other half of the chunk of feta, the home-dehydrated raisins (they were amazingly tasty but SO MUCH WORK for such little product that I probably won't do it again), that sort of thing.  They're impossible to find when not systematized and it gets frustrating.  I do not care for being frustrated when just trying to cook.  

OK, it's above 40 degrees and the farmers market is open, so I am just dragging my heels about bicycling in chilly drizzle, but I'll be glad when I'm done with that task and it won't be so bad once I'm out in it.  My office building has a doorperson, uniformed and all, which I think is absolutely ridiculous.  I know that they manage things differently for other tenants, but for me all they do is push the elevator button sometimes - often they're just standing in the way, though.  One is particularly annoying and always wants to comment on everything - like asking what I bought from the store, or ate for lunch, or saying it's a bad day for biking, or blah blah blah blah.  I wish he would shut up.  It's creepy.  I wish we would move out of that office, because the only parking anywhere within blocks requires paying, and I really hate having to pay for parking TO GO TO WORK.  It's never sat right with me.  That's a big reason I bicycle there instead.  But I think we should move the building to someplace else, with free parking.  The reality is that I make good money and paying for parking isn't going to put me in the poor house, but many people who work in my office make FAR less money than I do and they have to pay the same for parking.  It's problematic at best, fundamentally unjust even.  I have long been concerned about the problems with massive wealth disparity in this town - it's a big reason we have so many people who are unhoused.  And sure, I can try to help stock up food pantries and such, but how about if we actually address the dehumanizing structural problems that lead to so many people falling out of survival.  

Maybe that's what I tackle when I leave my current job.  that doesn't sound stressful at all, lol.  

OK, it's 9:30, time to suit up and head out.  

survived another day

 Thankfully, day 2 back at work was much less awful and overly demanding than day 1.  I was able to successfully wing it with a project that I hadn't prepared for specifically but on which I'm super knowledgeable, and I was grateful that my brain was running on all cylinders despite sleep deprivation.  I got backup about an admin matter that has me seething (the actual work I do is very difficult, but the worst part of my job BY FAR is the lack of support from the office).  And people talked to me, a lot.  It was a little unusual, in fact, how much people talked to me, including people who have essentially avoided me for almost three years.

There are several different ways of being in my work, and I fall in the earnest camp.  I work hard, I respect humanity, I take everything seriously (sometimes too much, and it affects my health, but I am not ever going to be glib about things). Then there is the camp of the snark - generally people who've been doing it a long time, who roll their eyes about people and just skip over the respect and the work because they're sure they know everything.  I don't like those people, and they do not like me.  But sometimes they have to recognize me.  There's a person in my camp whom everybody HATES.  "Fuck her!" is often heard, and even the people who should like her don't really.  But I've always gotten along quite well with her - sometimes she goes too far, and she can be annoying, but she has never crossed the line with me that she crosses with others.  To the opposite, she communicates well with me, being open and honest and vulnerable, and I respect her, too.  She has never tried to throw me under the bus like she regularly does my colleagues, vilifying them even, and yesterday she even gave me a heads up about what could look like her throwing me under the bus but why it wouldn't actually be that, which was a strangely kind gesture.  That she values relationship with me is important to me.  She was calling the other day to talk about work and I said, "Oh!  Let me tell you about this great book I just read!" and she added it to her audiobook queue and recommended Hannah Gadsby's memoir.  She's even gifted me books.  Other people roll their eyes about her and her earnestness, but I appreciate where she's coming from.  

Anyway, one good day of difficult people not being awful to me doesn't change what happens all the other days, nor that I am covering today for people who did not do their work before dumping it on me, but I will survive another day, hopefully.

The dog has been strangely behaving - last night getting into bed with me and then sitting up and staring at the door instead of sleeping.  There's an event in my neighborhood so there will be traffic and parking, but they haven't been the nefarious sort so I'm not sure what's going on with her.  Maybe somebody tried to break in while I was at work or something.  I don't know.  Poor baby.  She worries so much about keeping me safe, she can make herself sick.  

The roasted cabbage quinoa salad I made from a Facebook quick video the other day was kind of bland at first, but by the 2nd day it was tasty and I've really been enjoying it.  I thought it was too much, but I have powered right through it, eating two bowls for lunch each day this week.  It's super healthy and tasty, my favorite kind of food.  Tonight I absolutely must roast the squash that I cut up the other day, along with tofu.  Hopefully work doesn't knock me on my ass again, or force me to work 12 hours again.  I'm too old for this shit.  I'd also like to have time this evening for reading and quilting. 

I am quite enjoying HBO Max as my one streaming service, but it's got a darkness to it that doesn't meet my need for cheery sitcoms.  Even the funny shows have an edge that provokes anxiety.  Oh, I set up an appointment with a therapist for next week.  My perseverating seems problematic (especially because of how it affects my sleep) and it's not something I've really experienced before so think I need help with it.  I haven't started SEason 2 of The Pitt because I liked bingeing it last season over my vacation - it's such a good show.  I like the news shows like John Oliver and the one with Roy Wood Jr. and Amber Ruffin and Michael something something.  (Fuck Bill what's his face though - cannot stand him.)  There are a couple of new shows coming that I may want to watch, so I may keep this streaming service for awhile (I have it for very inexpensive).  But, I would like more light and breezy shows.  

OK, I think I'll start my workday early and maybe be able to take off early.  Ha.  I've told myself that many times before and never actually been able to do it.  But maybe. 

 

days to quitting?

 Lord, it makes no sense why I hate my job so much.  But I do.  So. Much.  So much that it makes me sick.  

a book I loved

 I cannot speak highly enough about the The True True Story of Raja the Gullible (and His Mother).  It is SO GOOD.  Please everyone go read it and report back here.  I love everything about it.  And usually the endings of books suck but the layered ending of this book did NOT disappoint.  I would love to see it as a movie if it was done right, which would be hard.  

So, I think i can safely say that I'm over the anti-reading hump, which is quite a relief.  BUT, I'm very particular.  If something doesn't grab me, it gets returned to the library.   

I'm also very particular about food, and I'm not quite sure what to think of the massive purple cabbage quinoa salad I made.  I had to doctor it up quite a bit.  I think it's good now.  My gut was quite happy - there was cabbage, three herbs, onion, garlic, quinoa, nuts, dates, spices.  Lots of plant matter to diversify my gut biome.  And I ate it with a piece of wholegrain sourdough spread with sardines.  

Jack Schlossberg says he eats a can of sardines a day and I want to know more!  I ate it kind of like Mila Kunis said she likes it (on dark bread with butter, onions, and lemon juice), and it was ok.  Sardines just seem like the perfect food for me and i just can't get excited about them but I'll keep trying. 

I'm not keeping track of all the plants I'm eating each week anymore - I'm averaging well over 40 a week.  I've always been an A+ student, and that's how I am with my orthorexia as well.  

I'm so bummed about returning to work tomorrow, but I did finally tune my brain off from work which is great.  I got almost every single chore done that I wanted to get done - only three still on the list.  Quilt, which I still have time to do (it's 8 pm), put on the warm compress to unclog the oil glands on my eyes (which I can still do), and make a sweet potato pie (no added sugar, whole grain crust).  But I did bake the sweet potatoes, so tomorrow i can just whiz them up in the food processor with the other ingredients, roll out the pie crust that's thawed, and bake it.  I plan to freeze the slices for special treat days so we'll see how well that works.  

Just made cocoa with maybe 3/4 tsp sugar - hope that's not enough to keep me awake, or the caffeine in the cocoa.  The warm milk should help sleepiness?  I'd like to go to sleep earlier and wake up earlier.  Maybe start my workday around 7 am, get things done before everyone else logs on.  But also, I'd really like to convince myself that everything is not my responsibility.  I just realized how much I'm covering for other people this week, and it's every single day.  It's doubling my workload.  Though honestly, I don't mind the coverage, because they all cover for me.  It's doing everyone else's work that's making me crazy.  Stop. It.  

Did about five loads of laundry (was it four?  I think five) of all the bedding, pillows, duvet, covers, etc., plus weekend clothes, plus dirty rags.  I save them up for a load.  I use rags for so many cleaning things, including the floors I cleaned today.  I did some moderate cleaning - more than a superficial clean, not to a deep.  And now I'm going to break down my spending recently.  I'm sure I'm overspent on food.  I think this may just be a week in which I'm overspent.  I sure wanted those fresh herbs, even if I didn't *need* them.  And those kumquats.  And this weekend I'm going to spend a heap on fresh vegetables locally grown.  And I will have no regrets, because I will use it all up and enjoy it. 

Have been realizing that I wish I pushed more on my bathroom renovation.  There's this quarter round trim around the vanity which I really hate - the nailholes show and the caulk is crappy.  If I'd insisted on the flooring going under the vanity, then they never would have had the trim added.  Also, if I'd insisted on roll out linoleum like I used in my kitchen and love, instead of the LVP they urged, I'd have been much happier.  Sigh.  I know that they didn't earn much money on it - they were definitely discounting me hard, especially when I demanded the kitchen be completely retiled.  And oy vey I'm SOOOO glad I demanded that.  It looked so horrible, and now it looks great.  I was so tired at the end of all the renovations that I just wanted them gone, but now I have these things I really hate.  It's probably something that would bother anyone else, but I see it every time I sit on the toilet.  It really bothers me and I don't know how to fix it.  Maybe I could remove all the caulk, fill the holes with the correct substance, then paint the trim (taping will be a bitch).  I'm also not crazy about the color I chose.  The bathroom looks SO MUCH BETTER than when I moved in, but it feels cheap.  And of course, it was cheap, comparatively speaking, though the plumbers were fucking expensive and I'm not sure they did a great job, and the electricians were also super expensive.  

ANYWAY.

I was just going down a rabbit hole on buying a sauna again and I realized that I don't have near the amount of pain when I was really digging into buying a sauna a year or two ago.  So that's a big deal.  I'd still quite like a sauna but I probably wouldn't really use it.  

OK, bedtime.  Another week of work ahead.  Sigh.  

can't turn off the brain

 I wanted to go to bed by 9 pm because I was so tired but it didn't happen, and then when I finally made it into bed by about 10:30 pm, I was in the middle of a gripping section of Raja the Gullible that I wanted to finish, and then I couldn't sleep.  Took a magnesium glycinate and grabbed my phone for the Calm app, and I was out soon.  The magnesium glycinate has so far worked so well for me, which is pretty amazing.  AND I saw that they sell it at my local pharmacy, so no more needing to go to a niche place where they try to get me to join their cult.  

It really sucks that even on a long weekend I am consumed by work thoughts.  Some are reasonable - oh, dont' forget to do that task - but others are completely not, such as future tripping about a difficult person.  And I just can't seem to make it stop.  it is better now - back a couple of years ago, it was really problematic with me not sleeping for multiple nights, like at all.  So I'm very happy that those days are in the past, seemingly.  But it is upsetting how much brain space these work things take up and how they trigger a nervous system response of annoyance, frustration, etc.  I want to be able to just let them go.  

I just don't recall being like this in the past.  I could never really be bothered to be petty - I would forget the beef, or just not want to spend energy on it.  But now I stew in annoyance.  And that is really not great.  I need to figure something else out.  I will keep a notebook by my work computer and start writing the things down that I don't want to forget - that has helped in the past.  

This just isn't how I want to spend my bandwidth, but also I'm like obsessed about other things - like paying off my house.  I think about it CONSTANTLY.  Or the harms that my dog can cause to other people, which causes me great anxiety.  

Could this be from too much screentime?  It's like my brain is rewired to be obsessive and agitated.  i'm not a fan of this.  At. All.  I wonder if a therapist could help with this.  

OK, it is raining heavy but I want to go out to do errands.  It is too stressful to try to do them after work or on a lunch break, so I should just do them now.  I think most of the places are open.  Get glasses adjusted so they don't hurt so much, grocery store for the bulk lotion to refill a container, Trader Joe's for capers and pasta and sunflower seeds and such (they've been out of capers for months!).  If I'm still feeling like I can be out in the world, maybe I swing over to Costco to get gas and be done with it.   

Today I want to clean and launder all my bedding - including the pillows and duvet.  Every time I read about dust mites and respiration during sleep, it freaks me out a little and I do this.  I wash my sheets at least weekly - it just seems self-indulgent to do it more, but I sure do like clean sheets.

I'll be happy once it warms and dries up enough to be able to put my laundry line back up and start using that exclusively.  The dryer is fine but outdoors is so much better.  So long as the air quality is ok.  Tbh, that's one of my least favorite things about here, how bad the air quality can be.  Air can get pretty stagnant.  I run my air filters a lot.  

And some more cooking.  The black beans I cooked yesterday turned out really good and the burrito hit the spot.  I need to make up all of those burritos and freeze the ones I won't eat in the next couple of days.  I've thawed the tofu that I froze (I really like the texture better that way) and processed the squash to roast those both for dinner today.  I think the next meal I make will be barley-lentil stew, and that doesn't require a lot of prep work but it does take like an hour to cook and needs to be tended so it doesn't burn on the bottom, so I need to start that right at the end of the work day, no delaying.  Also, I saw a video on Facebook of a salad that looks super good, with roasted red cabbage and quinoa.  She was scant on prep details but I can probably figure it out.  I have half a red cabbage to use up and I've not roasted it before like this but that seems a nice idea, and it includes sumac and I have some of that to use up; I could also have it with sardines perhaps.  Always trying to figure out how to use sardines.  Actually maybe I'll plan to make that tomorrow.  My spice situation has been annoying me - I have a drawer of them and not everything fits, plus some of the containers are starting to fall apart or rust (I've had magnetic containers for years because I've kept them on refrigerators, but I'm not putting them on my brand new refrigerator, plus there's WAY too much sunlight in my kitchen and the spices would deteriorate with all that light).  I'd like to figure out a different system.   

OK, I don't want to waste my day on the computer, so it's time to start moving.   

 

in place

 OK, I think that today may have been the first time, after about nine years total living in this town, that I feel maybe not totally out of place.  Look, I'm not exaggerating - this is not a place where I easily just fit in, like New Orleans, or even West Africa.  People are friendlier to me in almost any place else in the world, even places like Paris - I mean, people pretend to be friendly here, but they aren't really.  I don't even fully understand it, but it has never been a good match, this town and me.  I've even been fired from at least two jobs here that I can remember.  Maybe three.  A lot.  I can't think of any other jobs that I've ever been fired from, except for here.  And it was never for not doing my job well - it's that people just don't like me.  I speak up, for one thing - that's really frowned upon here.  But if it's bullshit, I'm calling it out.  And people Do. Not. Like. That.  

But today - first, there was the volunteer event and being told that I've quickly become critical to the work.  In addition to providing storage, I typed up and printed out hundreds of labels, which was also appreciated.  These are things I can easily do, but to be part of something because of easy things for me - it's makes me not the outsider.  

Then there's something almost superstitious that came together.  Yesterday I took containers of minestrone to the LIttle Free Refrigerator to my house, and it was filled with dozens of sandwiches.  Nice combo, I thought.  

Today, I took over some nice local salad dressing and a sauce that goes on bean and rice bowls.  They're both very tasty, but they just expired and I wouldn't use them quickly enough, and they were unopened, so I just took them over.  The people who frequent the LFR and pantry are various - some don't have any access to cooking but others do.  I figured somebody could use them and enjoy them as much as I do (though I forgot about them this time) - they're definitely not cheap (I bought them on sale - they're way too expensive at full price).  I'm not going to beat myself for forgetting about them, what good does that do.  

Walked over to see ... the fridge had heaps of spinach and other salad vegetables, and the pantry had multiple bags and cans of rice and beans.  

Again, just easily for me, I added something that made things better.  

Maybe the days of being the loathed outsider are mostly behind me.  

just sit down for a minute

 The task I've handled the past 2.5 hours seems easy, but when I'm schlepping heavy containers and sweeping rooms and moving heavy tables, it makes this gringa tired!  

The former head motivator of the organization pulled me to the side afterwards and said how critical I already am to the work.  Honestly, the main thing I'm doing is using my guest room closet to stash agricultural matter to distribute.  Easy peasy.  and when I was asked if I could process about 100 pounds more into small containers for sharing, I suggested another gathering, and a place was found near to my home, and we had about 15 people show up and we mostly worked hard for two hours and we completely finished the task that was thought to need four hours.  I was nose to the grindstone, prepped in advance, gave clear instructions, offered support to the lost, and powered through.  I'm very glad it was all finished so that it's not on me to do alone.  (though one nice person offered to show up if I ever need help again, but she lives an hour away so I wouldn't want to ask unless really necessary)  Now all I have to do is schlepp those bins back into my closet.  (There's nothing suspicious at all about what we're doing, I'm just trying to not make it too easy to be doxxed or something)  

The guy I was sitting next to said, "This is the best time ever.  I am having so much fun."  He was on vacation visiting a friend who said, "Hey want to go help this task today?"  Yes.  And there are super knowledgeable people there who talk about all sorts of things which we listen in on, and we chit chat while we learn and do something we agree is helpful to future food production in a completely non-commercial setting.  All volunteers just coming together to pitch in.  My kind of jam.  So to be recognized, though really it's just about me having more space than other people, it's nice to be seen.  Most people there are living in much less spacious digs - a lot of counterculture folks, in commune type living arrangements, show up.  Some people come from rural areas and have lots of barns, but we can't store things in there - really it needs to be in a house.  And I have way more house than I have stuff, so it works well.  My house is only about 1200 square feet but it's too much house for me, honestly.  

 One more thing - someone brought a pie, and I took a small sliver and tasted it and then threw away the rest and spit out what I tasted.  Of course I didn't let the person see, but it was not worth the calories, so trash it goes.   

Anyway, now I'm just sitting down for half an hour or so and then I really need to go spend an hour in the front yard picking up trash and weeding and probably moving some mulch.  It's not pouring rain now but it's supposed to tomorrow.  Yay for tomorrow being a holiday.  Maybe I'll just push all my cleaning and cooking until then, because I'm tired and I'm about to be even more tired. 

**

OK, weeding and trash picking up, done.  Yay.  I'll move mulch another day. 

My dog just gave me an air kiss, which is one my favorite things about her.  She was sniffing my face and wanted to show approval of me but knows I do not want her tongue anywhere near my face, so she pretends like she's licking me to show bonding to me but doesn't make contact.  It's a pretty advanced move.  She's a very smart dog.  

OK, I have minestrone to eat so I should do that.  And I should start the pot of black beans that's been soaking to simmer.  I intend to eat some big cheesy bean burritos for sure.  Yum.   

 

it was raining and I prevailed

 It was clearly drizzling when I left the house by bike, and then it was fully raining.  I tucked my rainjacket hood up under my helmet and kept going.  And it was exactly what I needed - to get my heartrate up, and be back out in the weather of February in this place.  Sure, it was only about 40 minutes in all, but it seems to have been the reset i wanted.  

And I spent no money.  I picked up the book from the library - avoiding eye contact with the unpleasant person who works there on Saturdays - and then I went to the farmers market and I walked around.  And I bargained with myself: if I focus on using up what I already have for the next week, then next Saturday I get to spend spend spend.  And by that, I mean, buy beets and potatoes and leeks and collards and kale and onions, and maybe mushrooms and that celery looked good too.  I will have a plan.  And for this week, I am making a plan to use things up.  Minestrone, tempeh chili, roasted squash and tofu, no-sugar sweet potato pie in a whole wheat crust I made in November and froze, canned pears, frozen berries, burritos, maybe another cornbread casserole with that turkey sausage, lentil soup, and so on.  And then next week I get to make borscht, maybe potato leek soup and/or maybe roasted leeks and vegetables with farro and feta and greens that I enjoyed last year, and some fun things with all those luscious greens.  And cabbage for sure.  Yum.  Because if I don't spend any money on food for the next week, then I will be underspent, yay.  I will though be cruising Costco in the next week because I have to fuel up my car.  Last time I fueled up my Subaru was six weeks ago and I've put about 180 miles on since then, so that is damn good if I say so myself, to drive only 30ish miles per week.  I am that little old lady who keeps her car in the garage and only drives to church each week - except to work instead of church.  I do look forward to when the construction is done and I can actually bike all the way to my other office location as well.  I won't always be able to do so because it is more distance and time and often I'm back-to-back in a rush, but even sometimes is better than never.  

Anyway, I am proud of myself for getting out there despite several unpleasantnesses.  And I held off on going to the grocery store because I can stop by tomorrow if there's something I desperately need that I'm cooking this weekend that cannot be substituted.  

And I also have to say that my coffee blend is fire.  I had bought a medium roast that I didn't care for, but when I mix it with a very dark roast, it's perfect and hits all the notes, and I don't need as much of the coffee to make a good cup.  That helped me avoid the vendor with the latte I like so much, but which is $5.  And having the millet-berry cake in my fridge to eat with yogurt helped me avoid the bakery stand which is exceptionally good.  So yeah, I'm proud of myself.  And now I've moved heavy crates into my garage for easy loading up for the event tomorrow, so some weight training there.  Sipping some green tea, and soon I'll shower and then start cooking.  I think I'll make a really large batch of minestrone to use up vegetables and beans and to share.  Oh, I may not have any more of the pasta I like to use in minestrone.  Oh well, I can add something else, even just broken up spaghetti.  Yes, I need to use up what I already have.  No, I didn't buy scallions; I can use onions or onion powder because that's what I have.  And I'm going to stop sweating about using up my homegrown garlic and rationing it - that's a good thing to use something all up, and I can buy more from the store (or farmers market - I saw some there today), and then start enjoying the homegrown again in July.  I'm a little daunted by the 15+ jars of pears that I canned (in a juice/water combo, no other added sugar), but they are fucking good and that can be my dessert.  also, I have a ton of overly dried plums that I need to figure out how to use up.  I also have a lot of jars of relish, which mostly I like mixed with tuna, or in a faux tuna that I make with garbanzos, but that's ok - it was hard to find a good relish without any added sugar or preservatives, so having enough homemade for a couple of years is good.  I did go too heavy on the mustard seed, learned it for next time.  I have only one more jar of canned peaches, and I think I got through all those many cans of green beans, or maybe there's one more left that I'll add today to minestrone.  I used up all the plums I'd canned and that took ages, so I shouldn't be overwhelmed by a ton of food canned - i can get through it even if I don't love it.  

One super petty gripe is that I want the tariffs to go away because the good cheeses are getting too expensive.  The parmesan and feta used to be reasonably priced at Costco, but it's gotten too high.  I like these cheeses for the flavor they provide with small amount.  But they need to be actually, and what I get at Trader Joe's is not anywhere in that league.  And so I go to a cheese counter, look for sales, and whimper at the cost.  Maybe it's a good time to explore other umami options.  But they are both just so damn good.

My mortgage was recalculated and the payment is going down about $30/month which is nice, but I may add on a monthly principal payment up to a round number, just to be paying it down a wee bit extra while I'm zealously saving to make a large lump sum payment and get it paid off way early.  It is motivating to see the balance go down more quickly.   

We got an email this morning from a colleague who had a very bad thing happen in one of her projects, as a heads up to us all, and it's chilling.  Very concerning and adds more anxiety to the things I've just been taking for granted.  I appreciate her candor and humility in sharing what happened.  I have tried to help set that tone, of fumbling and learning - when I started, everyone was just not even talking to each other really, or when they would there wasn't any recognition that we all make mistakes and could do better.  Fortunately two people hired after me have helped me change the tone, which I find so helpful because we learn from mistakes.  Not that I think she necessarily made a mistake, it could be our whole company making the mistake.  Just so much of what we do makes me feel icky a lot.  Not like I'm acting immorally or anything, but it's just sticks to me negatively.  

**

The dog keeps demanding more food.  She is insatiably hungry today.  It doesn't especially concern me as she goes in phases, but it's a little annoying for her to keep telling me she's hungry and demand more kibble.  She's always been self-regulating and stays at a pretty healthy weight.  

Got a refund from some escrow funds, and when I went to deposit that in my account, I discovered that my state tax refund had landed (even though the official word is it wouldn't until later).  So I immediately just rolled both of those over to pay down the mortgage more.  If I can keep up this focus and not have a big unexpected expense, I can definitely have my house paid off in three years, and in four years I'd probably have enough savings to retire.  I am incredibly fortunate to be in this financial position, and also, I have worked and continue to work fucking hard.  I've not ever gotten financial support from family after I was 17 (except for $1,000 when a grandmother died, which I used to go to Russia to learn Russian, which probably would have amused her as she was an English teacher), and I've done this all on my own, with usually non-monetary support of friends (one friend did loan me money to renovate the $40,000 house in New Orleans, but usually support from friends is more like a place to crash).  I, like everyone else in this shitty country, is one disaster away from being unhoused.  A health crisis or weather crisis or losing my job or anything like that and I could lose everything.  That's what drives me.  I have zero safety net besides a friend's couch.  If I can get my house paid off, then I should be able to live off my pensions/social security, and have sufficient savings for necessary repairs.  And then when it's no longer fun to live here, the income from the house can go to whatever type of next home I want/need.  Alternatively, I'll just move into a different house.  I have all sorts of possibilities.  But being so driven to pay off my mortgage is keeping me going to work each day.  

**

Woke up to the dog wedged in right next me.  She must have snuck in so stealthily because I didn't even wake until later.  She doesn't do this often, but when she does a lot of times I'm sick.  Or she's sick.  Hopefully she was just feeling snuggly.  She had gotten drenched right before bed and was annoyed when I tried to dry her off but really annoyed with being wet, and she probably stayed a bit chilled.  

It's supposed to stop raining for a bit today so hopefully after my event I'll be inspired to spend some time in the front yard.  I noticed quite a lot of trash that I need to pick up, and weeds to pull.  There's a very large event taking place later this week in which people jam up my neighborhood with parking.  Lots of people walking, I do not want them to think it's appropriate to just drop trash.  I do definitely get annoyed with the trash situation and am super grateful for two older women who cruise the neighborhood with a bucket and picker-upper, which usually keeps the trash pretty much under control.   The trash and parking for events are in the negatives column for this house, but nothing is perfect.  Someday I will tire of it all.  

Need to finish my coffee, weigh myself (it's unlikely to be good news today), get dressed, and head out with the dog to walk, then come back and get ready and load up my car and get ready for other person to come with their car to fill it up also, and then we'll go do our things.  It'll be nice to hopefully finish tasks for the next stage.   

My eyes are super dry, glands probably blocked.  Need to apply heat to unblock.  It's just an annoying thing to do regularly, I find.  I look forward to when I'm not spending so much time staring at a screen for work.

Unfortunately scale news is even worse than expected - says I gained 1.2 pounds last week.  It's likely nuts.  I got a big bag of "fancy" nuts from Costco with 40 servings and they will be all gone in about two weeks probably, which is about three servings per day, which is a lot of extra calories.  I just can't seem to stop myself, and in the grand scheme of things, nuts are healthier than other things I could be binging on, so I'm just riding the wave and when they're gone, they're gone, and in the future I'll get less tasty nuts (such as raw almonds) and eat them much more gradually.  It is alarming to me that my will power around food seems entirely gone since giving up ultraprocessed foods - like I have zero immunity at all.  I'm hoping that goes away.  But just like I can't buy a bag of potato chips without eating them all within two days, i can't buy a big bag of nuts.  Sigh.  I did also eat ice cream once this past week (favorite ice cream parlour had a special), but otherwise I stuck to the plan pretty much as I recall, so I do think it's the nuts.  I mean, I think it's like 170 calories per serving, so eating 3 servings per day puts me at about 3570 calories for the week which is a pound.  So, yeah.  Not making weight loss choices right now.  But they sure taste good. 

OK, get dressed, jump start truck, walk dog, load car, shower, get dressed, do volunteer things, weed and clean up front yard.  I need some momentum.   

I didn't leave my house today

 It's Friday, and I didn't leave my house today.  I didn't even go into the backyard, despite my dog's best efforts to get me out there.

This can be the beginning of a depression, withdrawal.  I sure hope it's not.  

**

And now it's Saturday.  I got up about 8 am, made coffee, and then organized my deep freezer.  It's still got a lot of frozen fruit (included quite a lot dehydrated plums and pears and apples) that I get to indulge in.  These strawberries are fire and I do like to just eat them thawed plain, maybe with some yogurt.  They've got a little tartness and deep sweetness.  So good.  Not what you get at a chain grocery store for sure, they're picked at peak sweetness and then I swoop in and clean and freeze them immediately, within hours of being picked.  They're So. Good.  Surprised I still have 7 bags left, but I think I've been focusing on other seasonal fruits.  There are two boxes of butter, two loaves of sourdough, and a lot of vegetables that will have a short freezer life because I just chop and throw them in - cabbage, green beans, etc.  Also turnip greens and zucchini (lots of zucchini), and more.  Two things of meat that I picked up on sale (stew meat and turkey sausage).  But most everything in there is me processed.  

I've been itching for more greens, was obsessed thinking about chard last night.  Yes, I eat greens regularly - just yesterday I had some kale in a coconut curry I'd thawed from last month or so (it was good, and a pint mason jar with headspace is about the right amount because it's rich).  today I'll make minestrone with watercress.  But yes, I can for sure eat more greens.  

Back to my regularly scheduled program of eating what I have, I popped a box of tofu into the freezer - I do sure like the texture when I freeze it, that great chewy texture.  I'll roast it with winter squash with a nice glaze.   

The other thing I'm craving is beets, and that stew meat makes me think I'll be getting some beets and potatoes for borscht soon.  Here's the thing: I've got leaf miners BAD.  They make beets and chard look super unappetizing when I grow them.  I could get nematodes and take various other drastic action, but I think that these are two things that I will support local growers with.   

There is a dish called blitva from Croatia, with heaps of chard and potatoes and tons of garlic.  I've only ever made it myself from a recipe I found when I had a ton of chard to use, and I love it.  But I really want to eat it like it's authentically made, so I've been thinking for years about spending a week in Croatia to eat blitva every day in different places.  Also Croatia has lots of other tasty food to eat, a lot of healthy fresh things which is my jam.  And so last night as I was kind of obsessing about it, I stumbled upon a chard festival!  It's an annual event in Podgora, Croatia, in October.  It's hard to get a lot of information about but i think it's just some small town small event with a few fun things like chard ice cream and such, but now I'm adding this to my bucket list.  The only chard festival in the world, reportedly, and I want to be there for that!  

There aren't a ton of places on my bucket list left because I've been to so many, but they are kind of food focused.  I want to go to Japan, especially to try authentic okonomiyaki (cabbage pancakes).  I want to go to Iceland for the wild science but also to try their dried fish jerky.  Croatia for chard.  

Some day, when there is no more dog, I will travel.  Until then, I'll do my best replicating foods I've never had authentic versions of.  

Anyway, I know that I'm overspent on food budget, but I want to go to the farmers market and see what's hopping and good.  I'm ok with overspending on food when it's fresh and healthy and supporting local growers.  And I need to swing by the library to pick up a new book, and get a few grocery things like fresh ginger.  It's raining but I would sure like to bike.  Maybe there will be a break in the rain soon and I can take waterproof bag for the book.   

I'm currently reading The True True Story of Raja the Gullible (and His Mother) and it is really good but I'm not able to read it quickly.  It takes place over decades in Lebanon, and I just stopped with the banking crisis of 2018 with some real concern that something like that will be happening here because of our current excruciating level of corruption and greed, so I had to read more about that situation.  I remember about the civil war because I had a penpal there, Dina, and she would tell me about things like her apartment building being bombed.  What I realize through knowing people who've been through horrible things, and also because of how we're responding to what is happening now here, is that it's like frogs in a pot of water slowly heating - we work so hard to maintain our equilibrium, whatever normalcy we can.  We have to, or we go mad.  

Anyway, the National Book Awards are great - their choices are definitely my sensibility of what I want to read.  I may read through some of their past winners and see if that's always been.  In a book group I was in, we read some Booker Mann Prize (or something like that) books and they were HORRIBLE.  Pretentious and boring, we hated one so much we destroyed the books and made projects with the pages.  But Raja the Gullible and the non-fiction winner ONe Day, Everyone Will Have Always Been Against This are both fantastic.  

It's a long weekend for me, and if it's rainy I get to stay indoors and read.  even if it's not rainy I can.  Tomorrow I have an event for a few hours, and it will be a good social thing, to balance an otherwise chill weekend.  Pick up the quilt again, hopefully, and make some good progress.  Maybe clean the garage?  That won't take long, tbh.  I keep it pretty tidy.  

It just takes me time to cleanse my palate from work at the end of each week because it's so unpleasant.  People really do not appreciate me enough.  I need to stop working so hard for such a lack of gratitude.  I need to be more selfish, but I just don't even know how.  I may need to get burned harder first.  I did completely empty my email inbox which is kind of an accomplishment but it also made me feel really weird, so maybe that shouldn't be a goal for me. 

OK, looks like a break in the rain, enough hopefully for the 40 minutes or so that I need to bike and do my errands.  I'll wear a raincoat, and if I get wet oh well, I have a waterproof bag for the book.  I'll be fine.  I'm taking cash to limit my spending, and to not have the vendors pay credit card fees.  I don't know what I'll find, maybe I'll buy nothing, but I definitely need to get out after yesterday's no fresh air.  

Side note on the dog: she's been clearing her throat more lately.  I'm wondering if the lump I felt is going to limit her throat.  That's wild because one of my dearest friends is recovering from stage 3 throat cancer right now.  Knowing what she's going through, I would never put my elderly dog through that (though of course I want my friend to live forever because she's amazing).  It's just hard to imagine my dog being really sick because she's doing zoomies and jumping around like a damn puppy.  She sleeps more than she used to, maybe, though she's always slept a lot.  But ever since putting her on the cosequin to reduce her joint pain, I see zero health issues except her usual stomach upset when she eats stupid things or is stressed.  She lives hard, loves hard - she body slams the world.  And my ardent hope is that she feels this good until suddenly she doesn't and then she passes gently in her sleep.  But I'll have to handle whatever happens so that she can pass with dignity and love.  She's a very good dog, in her own way.  

OK, need to go before I talk myself out of it.  

time

 In my job, we have to record how our time is spent, which project to bill to.  When I started, some people said it was hard to meet the required hours, so i've been diligent about recording my time from the get-go.  Plus, I've worked a lot of extra hours.  So I've always been well over the minimum required.  But I was in a conversation about that requirement, and it got me thinking, so I did some math. 

If I take out all the days that I'm not working (or shouldn't be), the holidays, vacation time earned, maybe a couple of sick days ... I have to record 7.3 hours to a particular project Every Single Workday.  That is nuts.  I work 8-5, and I'm supposed to have an hour lunch and two fifteen minute breaks each day (none of which do I ever actually take BUT I SHOULD), which means if I'm working a full-time day without any other break, I record 7.5 hours.  What about when I want to catch up with a coworker about a not work related conversation?  Or have a doctor's appointment, or take a long lunch?  Every staff meeting or IT lesson or other task that is required which can't be recorded to a project - it all means that I have to work more than an 8 hour day to make up the time.  And of course I don't earn any overtime, I'm salary.  And it's not easy work - it's often really demanding, incredibly mentally taxing - probably the hardest job I've ever done.  

Look, I make good money.  I'm making 3.5 times what I was making in New Orleans, far more than I've ever made before (which is all going to paying off a far too expensive mortgage).  I know I shouldn't bitch.  BUT ... this forcing of long workweeks is tough, I'll be honest.  Recording 7.3 hours per day of work sounds easy peasy, but it's a grind.  If I record 7.3 hours, then I have to actually work considerably more.  When I started, I didn't understand why everyone just locks themselves in their offices and works works works works.  It's the protestant work ethic at its worst - isolating, exhausting.  I was coming from New Orleans where much of our day was spent in conversation with each other.  I'm not an extrovert but I learned the values of community in Louisiana, so coming here was shocking.  

And of course what's funny is that this is coming to light when I'm actually NOT crazy busy.  I engineered into my calendar a little bit of a slow patch after a big project, and things will kick up again soon but I know now to try to give myself a little recovery time, not just bam bam bam.  And having that time means I can see how crazy being a wage slave is.  To have so little control over my time is draining.   

And now another workday begins.   

simmer

So, my body has taken a different tact with insomnia.  Instead of making me lay awake until 4 am stewing over nonsense, I wake up early.  This morning, 5 am.  I was asleep maybe at 11:30 pm, but 6.5 hours made me wide awake.  

I stopped getting up early a couple of years ago when the neighbor asked me to stop letting the dog out so early because she wakes them with barking.  Fair.  So instead of fighting the dog who HAS TO GO OUT immediately upon my waking, I've been sleeping later, going to bed later.  And now the dog is older and sleeps longer, and she's adjusted to this schedule, so she sleeps late.  Unless there's an emergency waking me in the night, she stays in bed long after I'm up now.  

So this morning when I woke up, all I could think of was all the people are annoying me.  So many people annoying me.  Needing to change gears, I decided to cook this morning.  I want to be cooking a big pot of black beans to eat on the whole wheat tortillas I've got in the fridge needing to get used up, with the half full jar of salsa I pulled from the freezer.  But I've already got too many thawing meals needing to be eaten today and tomorrow, so what else?

And now there is millet in milk simmering on my stovetop, and I'm perched at the kitchen table to ensure it's not boiling over because the correct size pot is dirty and I'm trying a small one.  I love this cake, with very little sugar but a lot of berries, some almonds, millet, milk, and eggs.  Once the millet cooks I have to let it cool, then I may still have time to bake the cake before my workday starts.  Usually I don't eat sugar before noon, but I might allow myself a slice of this since it's not much (2 T of sugar for about 10 servings = 2.5 grams of sugar per serving).  That's what getting up early looks like, not straggling into the kitchen for coffee five minutes before I'm supposed to be logged in and working.  Though since I finished my one cup of coffee before 6 am, I may want another.  Or maybe some green tea.  Oh, that's a good idea, I got out of the habit of green tea.  

There is a wonderful dessert from Senegal called thiakry, which I would eat all day every day if I could.  I haven't been to Senegal since 2006, and I still dream of it.  I think the orange blossom essence that the woman I lived with is what pushed it over the edge for me.  So. Good.  I'm sure it has too much sugar in it, and if I tinker with it as I do to reduce that, it wouldn't taste so good.  So I'll just keep dreaming of it.   

Early in this whole foods journey, I leaned heavy into chia pudding.  Milk, chia seeds, cocoa powder, vanilla, berries/fruit.  Boom.  Dessert.  With no added sugar.  

But then I started having intestinal distress when I'd eat it, so I cut back. It's been a minute.  But I made some up last night to enjoy today.  Some healthy desserts in my fridge to keep me on the path.  

Mm, I love the smell of cooking milk like this with the millet.  So good.  Got the pan to just the right simmer temperature today.  Oh, just finished.  Tried a bit, and honestly I think I should just try the thiakry with low sugar, as that orange blossom essence might still be the magic.  

Need to also simmer on my anger.  People saying stupid shit, not doing their jobs, trying to make me do more work, no thank you.  No responding today.  Let it ride and go away.  

Do want to bike in to the office today after morning remote meetings; time to get out of the house, and I need to go to the library.  New book ready for me, and some to return.  If books aren't grabbing me in the first chapter, I'm just returning them.  I ain't got time for shit I don't like.  

Very excited for a three-day weekend.  I hope to get some yard work done though it's calling for rain.  Move some mulch, get the plants I just got into the ground.  Also, I picked up a compost bin for free which is a big barrel that tumbles.  That thing was fucking heavy and hard to pickup and move, but I finally dragged it where I want it and now I need to just fill it up with some various compostables.  I've got a kitchen waste bin going and piles of leaves, so mix and make compost.  I now have four different types of compost bins and I should figure out my system.  There is the Aerobin that I bought on Marketplace, which isn't delivering as promised.  There's the typical black plastic on metal legs with two sections that I got for free, and now the massive barrel tumbler.  Plus the pallets that I tied together and dumped leaves into.  So, yeah.  Maybe time to work out and implement my system. 

Most of my chores are finally done from feeling crappy all weekend.  So glad I'm feeling better.  But I do need to focus back onto the quilt and getting some more of that done.  My job is on a little bit of a slow spot right now, though I'm pretty sure I'll be asked to cover for people.  We are always down so many people and then we all have to cover, and it's a lot.  Seems like it should be a company problem, but instead it becomes a personal problem and I have to work a lot of unpaid overtime to handle things.  But I need to enjoy this brief moment in time when I'm not crazy busy.  Catch up on things, empty my email inbox, organize my office, dig into projects I've been putting off for ages.  And also, work less.  I don't have to keep working 10 hour days.  It should even out with the slow times, when maybe I only work six hours because maybe i actually take a lunch break, maybe even a long one, and go to doctor appointments and stuff.  Maybe I get off my computer before 5 pm some days even, to make up for all the times I have to stay locked to it much later.  Well, I'll try.  It can be hard for me.  Like, really hard.   

 

leftovers

Surprisingly, I am thoroughly enjoying eating my way through my freezer.  Today I had red beans (which for the previous servings I ate with cornbread, but it was fine just beans) and squash greens casserole, and it was all good.  Oh, and some cherry chocolate cake that I carefully froze in about 8 g sugar servings.  Last piece.  Intend to make more sooner than later.  Tomorrow I'll have lentil barley stew and probably salmon with fava bean pesto, and then the next day (just took it out of the freezer) some squash curry.  I'm still seeing containers of things like cornbread casserole, which I won't hate eating.  First the easy things down, like these frozen meals.  Then I'll start scrounging ingredients again.  I have some pistachios that I bought on sale and promptly froze; those will go into something good for sure.  Also been eating down the snacks - the no added sugar cocoa energy balls, the dehydrated cucumber chips, the beet muffins (which are tbh considerably better thawed than they were fresh).  Pulled out tomato sauce to make minestrone soon, I have turnips and watercress in my fridge to use up with that, and I have squash and green beans frozen also ready.  

This whole planning and then enjoying thing - I'm here for it.  Was it ants in the parable who did all this, unlike the cricket who was playing?  Yep, I'm an ant.  

Other ant things I'm enjoying - finding things.  The nozzle on my Berkey water filter seemed to be leaking, so I took it apart and cleaned it, and I was going to reinstall it but then I remembered that I actually had purchased a stainless steel nozzle some time ago when it was on sale and I was getting filters or something else.  So I walked out to the garage, and I was a little nervous because I haven't been able to find some things I know for certain I had, but I immediately found the box with the nozzle inside, and boom, done.  

To be able to save for a rainy day, and plan, and be ready to execute - it's a special kind of pleasure.  Maybe everyone doesn't feel it, but I sure do.  I'll feel excited when I pull out my planting gear soon, the little greenhouse trays, the planting soil I bought on clearance at the end of last year.   

I like to plan and prepare and have it make my life easier.  I grew up on a remote island so these skills I've got on lock.  Yes, we had to order our canned goods for the twice yearly barge.  Yes, we had to order Christmas presents by September for Sears and Roebuck to not run out and to actually mail to us.  

For most of my adult life though, I haven't really been able to do this properly because I've moved so often.  Staying here in this house for coming up on three years is one of the longest places I've lived.  My first house I owned for two years and two days, selling it luckily in that timeframe (to avoid capital gains).  I've sold other houses after owning well less than two years - intending to stay longer, but then not.  But here I am, organized AF.  I know where my shit is.  I hung all my handtools on the wall because I was so tired of rooting around in toolboxes, and I have zero regrets.  Last night I decided to make yogurt to ferment overnight, and in the dark I was able to walk out to the laundry room, open the cabinet, and know exactly where the little cooler is that I use for that purpose.  

Sure, would it just be easier to buy yogurt?  To hire a handyman to do my chores for me?  Maybe.  Maybe not.  I like doing things for myself.  

And my leftovers, to be honest, taste better than almost any meals I can buy here.  So maybe this will help me to stop spending money, since I've already overspent my food budget (spent $184 and it's only the 10th of the month).  

Buckle down.  I've got more saving to do, and using up what I already have is a great step in that process.   

another lump on the dog

 The dog has been developing lumps, one large and some small.  And now I'm feeling one around her thyroid.  

I feel torn in an ethical dilemma because she so hates veterinary care.  If she has cancer, am I going to drag her against her will for surgery and radiation and chemotherapy?  Make her ill and upset?  Or let her live out her life without that stress?  She's more than 11 years old, been with me about 10.5 and was full size when I got her (we thought she was young because she's small for a Catahoula and because she was such an asshole like a teenage dog, but time has shown that she's not getting bigger and she's not chilling, like at all, so she's probably nearer to 12 years old).  

Is my obligation to provide all possible veterinary care to her, to possibly extend her life?  Is that what I signed up for those many years ago?

I don't think so.  She got regular veterinary care for all her life until last year when she bit the vet.  She was fine with the vet the first few years of her life (really liked him in fact), and he helped me through the rough patches - her heartworm treatment (it's the pits), when she bit someone and needed health clearance, etc.  He's very old school (he's been working there since 1967!) but we both trusted him fully.  And it's been downhill ever since, and now she hates veterinary care with blind rage.   

The official lifespan for Catahoulas is 10-14 years, so we're already in range.  She came to me from the streets of New Orleans where she was picked up after running away or being abandoned.  So I don't want to have a savior complex, and things haven't been perfect, but she could have had a way worse life.  

And when she dies, I will be devastated, because she takes up so much of my life.  Everything will feel empty for a long time.  but that doesn't mean I should try every mean to keep her alive longer.  I want quality of life over quantity - for me and for her.  My hope is that she passes peacefully in her sleep, but the point at which she's suffering, there are mobile vets who can come to the home to put dogs down. I'd rather do it myself than have a stranger in her airspace (not her favorite thing) at the end, but at least I'll be there with her, in a place where she feels safe.  Anesthesia runs its own risks especially in older pets, and I don't want her to die on an operating table, having been tortured (her feeling about it, not objectively true) by strangers with sedation. 

I just keep doubting myself, and the new lump started a new round of doubt.  But I think this is the most ethical path, or at least one that I can live with.