who I am

 I'm reading Atomic Habits.  Not far in, but he's talking about identifying yourself as your goal to make the path to it.  LIke, thinking of yourself as an athlete to enable training.  As a scholar to enable studying.  Etc.  

Now I'm watching Borgen and I love seeing this woman bicycling to the capitol.  Her  ..not locking her bicycle is crazy to me, but the bicycling itself - that I am so into.

I need to remind myself that my identity includes being a bicyclist.  Not for sport, not even for fun, but for commuting.  It is a vehicle that I ride to go to where I need to go.  No nonsense, just swing on the saddle.  Though, truth be told the saddle on my bike is so super uncomfortable for some reason and I probably need to fix that.  I still don't want to bike when it's raining or otherwise inclement, but I am a bicycle commuter  I have the gear, I have the wish, it is me.

And I am a PhD student.  I really really really want to get into it and get finished.  Leave this behind.  I don't know that it will do anything for me but I'm quite close so why not finish.  

And then I can leave.

Today I swung by a friend's house for some things and I saw how shitty this city is.  It's not just the garbage everywhere, not just how horrible the streets are (EVERYONE is getting flat tires, even on brand new cars), not just how rundown everything is.  Not just how poor people are, struggling to exist.  Not just how much violent crime there is.  

New Orleans, I love you, but it is really nearing time for me to go.  

And I would like to stay in my jobIuntil that time.  Which means I need to keep my mouth shut sometimes.  I realize that I have intimidated the leadership, and I am fine with that because they are acting arrogantly tyrannical.  But this is just a job, it is not everything.  I am mentoring some young women, and others reached out today to be closer, and those relationships matter, but other things do not.  It's a job, with a paycheck.  It allows me to live my life.  Nothing more, nothing less.

I am a gardener and a vegetable eater, and I need to remind myself about that.  A friend invited me to a party on New Year's Day, but I think I'll just stop by to drop off harvest bounty then make my own hoppin' john and cabbage to ring in the new year.  

I will always carry New Orleans and southern cultural traditions with me.  I have loved this place so deeply, and I very rarely disparage the South.  There are wonderful things about life here, as first explained to me by Flannery O'Conner.  People here are wonderful.  Life is grand.  I have exactly zero regrets about my time here, and it has fundamentally shaped me into a completely different person than I was 15 years ago.  

But I am over muggy Decembers and hurricanes (not just the experience of the storm but paying over $4K/year for insurance on a house I bought for $140K because how else can they afford to insure us?).  I'm over breaking an axle trying to drive home and locking my car doors all the time while looking around (my truck really lacks value but most of the carjackings here aren't just for that - and we have SO MANY carjackings, with victims often murdered).  We're back to almost a murder a day, with so many juvenile perpetrators, and it's heartbreaking.  I can scream about lead poisoning and lack of trauma triage and so many other things leading to these problems, but nobody cares.  Little girls are shot by stray bullets when their moms drive them home and it's just so heartbreaking because it KEEPS HAPPENING.  

So yeah, I'm tapping out.  Jealous of my friends leaving before June.  It's time to go.  I've been a New Orleanian for a decade and a half, and now it's time for me to find another identity.

But first, the scholar in me needs to get in gear.

a Tuesday that's a "Monday"

 When I was in college, I bicycled everywhere.  It was a hand-me-down bike for free, not especially suited for me, but I rode that thing all over the place.  I didn't have a car until after I graduated and needed one to get to work way out in the country and my friend was selling hers for cheap (she'd gotten it used from her brother for cheap, and they both judged me when I later got stuck for over a week in Winslow, Arizona with a cracked engine block).  

Recently when I was back there with friends, the high schooler asked if we would be walking down the street to a restaurant.  "Ha!  We're not the Auntie [Gringa]!  We're driving."  He asked what his mother meant and told him when we lived together that I always biked and walked and sometimes bussed everywhere, but she ALWAYS drove.  

She wasn't wrong, I just hadn't thought about it.  I didn't have a car and I didn't particularly want a car.  I was quite content bicycling all over, even when it gave me heat stroke.  It's just what I did.

Times changed and I lived all over the world.  Lived in places where I used subways and walking, lived in places where I had a driver.  And 20 years ago I bought a pickup that I've had ever since, which i rely on pretty heavily for hauling crap regularly.  

But also I rely on it for average commuting, and I should really knock that off.  I have a perfectly safe route to bicycle between home and work and I even have a bike rack at work now. But now I'm at excuse mode.  Oh, I don't want to bike because it's going to rain today.  Oh, I don't want to bike because I have to errands after work or am meeting someone at my house.  Oh, I don't want to bike because I don't feel well, don't want to exhaust myself further. 

I need to suck it up.  I try hard to reduce my carbon footprint, including inconveniencing myself.  But I can't just get on my bicycle and pedal daily?  

It would also save me about $1.50 each round trip in gas money.  I'm pretty fucking frugal so I'm not sure why this isn't speaking louder to me.  

I know that I am not the same person I was over three decades ago.  I'm nowhere near as energetic.  But I quite need to recapture some of that energy and use it to power through life.  I need to just do it.  And I have my bike with helmet and basket propped in the locked carport, ready to roll.  Does this rain forecast stop me?  I'm still not sure.  

I am grateful that I got a four day weekend and have another one coming up.  I really did power through a lot of things that have been looming over me, even if my house is still a fucking mess and my yard is still weedy and I still haven't painted my wall.  

One thing I've got my fingers crossed for - the roofers are coming tomorrow to inspect AGAIN.  I asked the salesman to please ask the company owner if he would reconsider his policy to only do roofing now.  The logistics of this are annoying me to no end - my garage joists are rotted (crumbling like dust) and need to be replaced. The people who discovered it are unavailable now for a few weeks, and this is just dragging on like crazy.  And having two different groups of people doing work like this is stupid - I don't want to pay $500 twice for two dumpsters (and also don't want to give up another afternoon r three on a dump run), I don't want to pay for tarping to protect decking in case of rain, I don't want to coordinate to reduce lag time (especially because carpenters take way longer than expected because they just watch each other a lot, and their boss is a horrible communicator).  I just want it done.  So, the owner agreed to have a project manager provide an estimate.  Fingers crossed I can afford it and we can move forward when rains stop again.  Having a roof again would be amazing, and then I can hustle on all the other things (ceiling, painting, etc.).  The road remains long, but i have hope again.

I am thrilled that this is a three-day week.  

Oh, I was ready to bike because I thought the rain woudln't come until later today, but that dark cloud is telling me more than the forecast.  Damn.  Well, another time.

crap

I have a designated office with bookshelf and storage shelves - and a desk.  It's been set up for what, about six months?  And it is covered in crap.  Today's task is to go through every piece of paper and file appropriately.  I need to do a lot of other things, but I will stick with this until done.  Though taking a break right now. 

Lots of things, from my travel plans in April to get here, to cancelled homeowners insurance from the move, to old car registrations, to info guides for all the new appliances, to old business cards.  I recently purchased a paper shredder which makes disposal much easier now (and I use the shredded paper in compost).

But why I have to pause is all the hurricane Ida related crap and flashbacks.  I'm charging up my phone battery backup ... just in case.  I'm sorting through all the roof quotes.  Correspondence.  Insurance checks.  

In August I was at a transition stage, ready to actually move into this space.  Nature had other plans.  And so now I'm trying.  

I'm clearing the desk so that I can use it for dissertation things.  I'm sorting and putting away the office room in order to not feel overwhelmed with crap.  I do not need my dog's lifejacket and everything else laying around.  It needs to get put away, but also findable in case we go on a boat or are caught in another water disaster.  I do not need three flashlights on an average Saturday, but I sure as fuck do during a disaster.  Because as I learned in August/September, two backups is the appropriate amount for all the things that stop working when you're living without electricity for weeks.  (And yes, having a gas stove made all this so much easier in the past, but I'm not spending the money to get gas piped to my house.)  

***

1 pm and I have gotten a lot done (been at it since before 8 am) and still have more.  Sheesh this is a full day task which I had not anticipated or calendared.  But now is the time to do it, with four-day weekends.  It sucks to have so little free time otherwise; I do not have an ten-hour block usually available to me to get projects completed without having to do so many other things.  Like go to work.  Sleep.  Eat.   Our world demands too much of single people.  

Back to it.

***

And now I've cleaned the free rugs.  Yuck.  But better now.  My little portable cleaner isn't made for whole rugs but I made it work with some effort.

I did not get to other urgent matters, but these things also needed to be done.  It's the purpose of long weekends.  More chores.

not about that cheer

 Christmas is not my holiday.  Never has been.  Childhood Christmases are memories of frantic mother (no one could feign helplessness like my father whom I ever heard once say he did not know where the vacuum cleaner was so couldn't help), of gifts falling short (often ordered too late and so catalog photos instead).  The mass consumerism always was distasteful, though I didn't know the concept.  Frenzy of eating all the special things and collapsing in a food coma watching bad movies, telling the other kids about the loot acquired.  

I don't remember my 18th Christmas.  I was in college then.  I think I went to a friend's house near school.  I hated college and dropped out, and I remember the next year: I was living with my toxic best friend in Denver, working at a Dairy Queen.  We were closed on Christmas and coworkers invited me to their houses and I politely declined and instead I sat and read books and it was wonderful.  We lived in a creepy apartment complex with a couple upstairs who always drunkenly fought, and I remember a neighbor seeing me sitting and reading trying to invite me over, but I wanted just to be alone and read.  I remember it being the first Christmas I really liked.

And I've done a lot of different Christmases all over with lots of different people.  One of my best friends insisted I join them and her crazy stepmother pulled together gifts at the last minute that was so sweet and creative.  Her stepmother was always nice to me but I guess she was psycho to others.  Well, we had Christmas.

But mostly I really like to have a quiet day alone.  Go nowhere, do nothing except read.  

REcently I said something to a coworker about how Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday and she gasped.  "No, Christmas is the best!  It's Jesus's birthday!"

Obviously I cannot have a conversation with that, so I let her have it and walked away.  What do facts have to do with faith?  Not much. 

So I'm happy to spend this Christmas in a hammock reading a book with a dog by my side.  It's perfection.  I'll make some eggnog French toast and call it good. 

this magical life

 First day off on a four-day weekend and I'm feeling good, grateful for the abundance of my life.  Little things.  Having a large sunny backyard to hang laundry, an heirloom yogurt starter to make yogurt, a tasty sourdough starter to make bread.  An oven and a washing machine that work.  Means to repair and purchase if needed.  

Mostly: freedom to leave or stay or do whatever I want.  The world is full of vast opportunities and I can seize as many as I can - nothing holds me back if I don't want it to.  

Grateful for this body that usually holds up.  I hauled a heavy load to the dump yesterday, and while I don't know that I always want to spend three hours myself doing such things in the future - because time is such a luxury - I'm also very grateful for the pickup truck and strength to do it myself.  One guy at the dump was very friendly and we even dapped with our begloved hands.  Later today I'll go get cement mix and repair a fence hole myself because I can.  I'll remove squash vines and plant some more things - maybe some nasturtiums for fun - and make challah for eggnog French toast tomorrow.  I'll keep working on my qualifying exam questions, to finish this weekend.  I'll clean rugs I got for free, I'll cook vegetables from my yard.  I'll visit with friends (outside, avoiding Omicron), I'll read a lot.  I'll walk the dog, I'll clean the oven, I'll do more laundry on these sunny days.  (I'm having issues with doing laundry during the week because for laundry to get really clean in this new machine it can take like 3 hours, and I don't generally want to get up at 5 to start laundry.  Sometimes I do, but not always.  So I have some backlog of sheets from guests and such.)  I hope to finish the oxalis removal and mulching project of the front yard.  

I'll paint part of the living room, to get rid of the ugly color my tenant friend painted and to install a new thermostat.  That's my big project, and once I do that I will feel more present in this house.  No, I still do not have a roof, and I am frustrated, so I will do what I can do, and I will dream of the future when I have ceilings again and when I can finish painting and set up my house.  I must finish before the next hurricane season, and people outside of here are dismissive when I say that, but Ida was four months ago and almost nothing has been repaired, and hurricane season starts again in five months.  So I have a timeline.  The issue now is the fucking flat roofed garages and how to take care of that.  The roofer recommended a product that is ... not really for roofing and not to go directly on wood decking.  I researched extensively and then spoke with the company who said: "We aren't a roofing company; we're a product innovation firm, looking for different uses for our product."  Yeah, that's not what I'm looking for in a roof and I'm annoyed at how long it took to get the information to make this informed decision.  But, I'm not going to think about that this weekend because I'm not going to harass the salesman who does seem to be a nice enough guy but not super knowledgeable or able to comprehend what I'm saying.  I know I'm difficult, but this is now like an $18,000 project and I want it done how I want it done because that is so much fucking money.  And then when that's done and I can get the windows and fascia really actually finished with those fucking slow guys who just watch each other work, I can move on to repairs to the stairs and house painting and gutters.  And then I can do what I'm going to do myself - rescreening all the window screens, cleaning the windows, re-cording the blinds.  But that's all in the future.  I have enough on my plate right now.  

My poor dog has been sick with something and I don't know what.  She's not herself at all - she's very subdued and fearful.  My brash bold hound is struggling and it is worrisome.  Here's hoping she rallies soon. 

OK, coffee done.  Time to jump into this magical life I've crafted for myself.

buckle down

I'm finally in the place I thought I would be months ago. Ready to rage right through this PhD.  

Working on exam questions and bibliography, need to get it done and sent out.  Need to schedule exam, maybe over a holiday weekend.  Focus back on dissertation proposal, get it ironed out, oral exam.  Boom, I'll be ABD, which is my real goal at this point.

And then dig in.  Do the research.  Write it up.  Get done.  Maybe teach a class in fall, to finish up without paying.  

I want to be done in a year. 

why so weird

 Apparently today an assistant for me was hired.  I had no idea that this was a position opening nor that this was contemplated.  I was not invited to participate in interviews, job description, or anything else.

The truth of it is that I don't mind if they're doing the grunt part of my job.  It's just so very weird to not include me in ANY of this until they're looking for an office for the person.  

It's not weird when seen through the lens of desirable chaos.  It fits in well with the whole not telling anybody what the rules are and then people being in trouble for not following the rules they didn't know.  There are never office emails with information.  Everyone is kept out of every loop.  I was for hours on Friday with the people who knew about it, and we talked about current events and various such things, and never once did they mention things relevant to my actual job.

It is so very very bizarre. 

I know that I threaten the person in charge and he's trying to squeeze me out, and his closest ally fights for me but who knows what the future holds, so I am redoubling my efforts to get rolling on my dissertation.  I need to finish it while I'm working a job with reasonable hours, and that is now.  And also, I'm not buying anything else for here.  Once my friend's cat dies and my PhD is at a good spot, I'll start looking for jobs there.  I'm quarrelling with my mortgage company now and I can't do this for another year.  

words

"That's what we were just talking about!  How you're so good with words!" said a co-worker to me last week as we casually talked over lunch and I said we are all fragile now.  I didn't particularly think of myself as good with words, but I use language precisely, from two careers where it matters.  And I need to be cautious.  

I speak with gravitas. Even when I do not mean something to be powerful - such as if I'm brainstorming, it becomes that.  I speak powerfully, forcefully.  It intimidates even when that's not my intent.

And also I am not going to be less than an authentic version of myself.  I will not quiet down even when I threaten weak people in positions of power.  But I will be careful.   

her last friend

 My dog has one friend, a long-legged cur who puts up with the Catahoula.  His people are very good friends of mine, and he and I have always had a very good relationship.  He is my dog's only friend - they first met shortly after I got her and they got into a scuffle, but since then there's been no more blood drawn.  We visited a few weeks ago and he was so happy to see us and they ran around and played very well together for an hour (and then my dog was DONE and we had to leave), and his person told me that they are very seriously planning to leave for thousands of miles away.  They had stayed here to care for her parents, but they've now both passed, and so they will return to the west coast where he is from.  

Most of my close friends I made here are no longer here - moved on or passed away.  With these friends leaving, the circle is even smaller.  Too small.  

And now today, they tell me that their dog has been diagnosed with cancer and they will not do treatments.  It's probably untreatable, I'm guessing a metastasized cancer.  He's had external tumors the past few years and some health issues.  

He'll rally when we show up because he never likes my dog to see him weak, but this may be the last time they'll be together.  I may not see him again, my sweet chill butterscotch boy. We've been friends since his first night with them, because I couldn't wait to meet him (and their previous dog and I were very good friends).

It's all just an end of an era and I'm sad.  I don't want him to be in pain, and he's not now.  But he's not long for the world.  And his people are not long for this town, and we will so miss them. 

And with that, my dog has no more dog friends.  Her others have moved away or run away and disappeared.  And she never had a lot of friends to start with, what with being a jackass and all.  

 Tomorrow one of those close friends I made here who has since moved away will come to visit, convincing me to leave this town.  

There's not much more convincing to be done. 

Costco volunteer

 Why do I volunteer myself to do a Costco run for work?  

Because I can get cheap gas there and it's on the way back from the chiropractor.

And get sheets of cardboard that I use for mulching my weedy front yard.  (Today was the best score I've had there in months - enough cardboard to finish.)

And I call dibs on the tins that cookies come in.

I'm proudly cheap AF.

Also, I'm really eyeing a nice countertop convection oven that I can use instead of my hot oven in summer, but I have a tiny toaster oven that I'll keep making work.  Stupid tenant lost the pan and I haven't been able to find a replacement, but I'll keep looking. 

micromanagement sucks

 Yesterday, a supervisor berated everyone for not being at their desks 15 minutes before EOB on a Friday.  I agree that wasn't a good look, but the way it exploded is ridiculous.  The micromanagement is extreme.

So today, nobody was early to work, and they usually are.  And neither that supervisor nor her superiors were at work on time.  They were 30 minutes to an hour and a half late.  

So I called her out.  She said, "My issue was that they didn't tell me that they were leaving early on Friday." "And did you tell them that you would be late today?  Because communication is a two-way street."  

She was unhappy with me.  Several people are.  Fuck that, who cares? Not me.

This is the weirdest workplace.  Nobody will communicate anything because information is power and they don't want to share.  It's so weird.

And the middle managers micromanage to give value to themselves.  They want everyone in their seats at specific times.  They don't understand quality work so they want seat time.  They are opposed to work from home because it exposes their lack of value.

I don't think I can last another year and a half.  Imma need to start looking for something remote as soon as I can.  I read a great article recently about how people who are accomplished and successful at work want remote work because they can excel anymore, and the micromanaging middle managers are the ones who do not want it because it exposes how unimportant they are.  

Nobody is micromanaging me right now, but they'll try to someday.  And I will chafe and buck.  Because fuck that.

frugality fail

 Seeing that my budget for "miscellaneous" was a bit underspent this year, and that I did start working half a year earlier than I had planned to AND successfully fought for a hefty raise for myself,* I'm apparently all in.

Basket for bicycle?  Bought.

Lids for Oui jars for canning jam?  Got 'em.  (And I'm just waiting on you, loquats)

Sodastream so I never have to go to that horrible metal recycling place again? Clicked.

Join plant group?  Yup.

That sweet solar cooker I've been eyeing for over three months now?  In the queue. 

For me, this is an orgy of spending. The most indulgent I've been in ages.  

And the rest of my "excess" will go to tornado recovery, because I am really feeling for the people going through this devastation.  

My tenant mentions money, and I know that she stays in the little apartment because it's inexpensive, and she says she just can't get ahead financially ... but does she not know that all the things she orders add up?  She seems to be getting packages at least three times every week.  So many that I'm tired of carrying them in for her.   I would like to offer her budget advice, but nobody wants that unsolicited.  But seriously, cutting discretionary spending is a major key to financial success.  I am frugal AF because it works.  

But even I get indulgent sometimes.  Though as I look at this list, it's still about being frugal - about bicycling more, about making my own jam, about not using my energy hog oven, about connecting with people to give me free plants, about not buying carbonated water in cans.  

 I'm very lucky in many ways, like having the frugality so deeply embedded in me.  It makes much of my life possible.

And once my new budget cycle hits, I'll be all in again.  Making a retirement possible someday. 

*Though I'm still not making bank, by a longshot. 

prepare

 One of the worst things for me with Ida was how ill-prepared I was.  I still had a hatchet to get out the attic if I had to, but because I had just moved back to town I didn't have a lot of other things that would have made things easier.  

I'm remedying that.  It's expensive, but it is what it is.  Fan. Flashlights. Camp stoves with fuel (I now have two backups because I need caffeine).  Solar generator.

And now I'm eyeing this solar cookstove, with the secondary purpose of using it instead of my oven (or even stovetop) during our long very hot summers.  Now that I see I can bake bread in it, I'm sold.  I baked sourdough for the first time since my return yesterday because it was finally cool enough to heat up the kitchen with the oven.  

The last big thing I think I want to figure out is refrigeration.  I have a large and small cooler, and I could keep the large cooler with ice as a deep freeze, just pulling things out to move to small cooler and use once a day or so to conserve ice.  But alternatively, I've been eyeing the cooler units that refrigerate - most often used in cars but could be great with my little generator and keep things cooler at safe range.  Losing a refrigerator/freezer full of food is a big expense.  Though, I know this and plan accordingly, not keeping a lot of high value items during hurricane season.  I can food instead of freeze it.  I cook things up once a hurricane hits the gulf with a trajectory in my direction.  One of those coolers would have been a lifesaver on my 4,500 journey earlier this year though and I wish I'd have known of them then.

There are a lot of things to do at that stage to prepare and it gets a little frantic.  I'm adding "make ghee" to my list, as on-sale butter is always in my freezer but ghee is shelf stable.  

OK, I'm feeling a little panic again so I'll stop.  But I am excited about this solar cooker possibility for prepping but also eating in summer.

oasis

 I went out to see a lady who sells plants.  Her real focus is on butterflies, and she had quite a few natives that I got.  We chatted a bit and I picked her brain.  I mentioned a black swallowtail and she said, "You have caterpillars?" and I said "Oh so many" not realizing she meant specifically that.  I knew I'd seen something in that family that wasn't a giant swallowtail, but I wasn't certain.  She let me know that now is not the season.

And then today I was putzing around the backyard and saw the cutest little spice bush swallowtail caterpillar nestled in a camphor leaf.

Of course I didn't know that was a camphor leaf or what kind of caterpillar it is.  Now that I know it's camphor, I probably need to remove it as it's in a very bad spot for that.  I'm thinking of getting a spice bush in its place because I HAVE TO FEED ALL THE CATERPILLARS IN THE WORLD.  Seriously, soon as butterfly comes flying around my house, I go out and get whatever it wants to eat.  I'm crazy.  They will eat me out of house and home.  I see the milkweed finally coming back and then I see a monarch.  Greedy bastards. 

And as I said I have so many caterpillars, she said, "Of course you do, because you have an oasis.  Everyone else probably has mono lawn but you let wild things live."   

And I want a spice bush.  It's a cool plant.  All these things I get are cool.  But here's my big fear - I sell my house in a year and a half and the buyers rip all this native goodness out to put in some artificial turf or something, and what a waste - for me, of spending hundreds of dollars, and also of the plants.  So I could try to keep this badly placed weed camphor small with regular pruning, and that will solve the problem of feeding these caterpillars.  But I'd rather have a spice plant.  So, yeah.  And do I really need that chickasaw plum or two?  Love the idea of the thicket, and of all the tree goodness.  I already put in a mulberry.  Why am I doing all these things? I'm obsessed with native plants and ecosystems.  

And can you believe that I have green beans coming in right now?  Mid December!  They're cute AF.  They're buried under cucuzza squash I thought would be long frozen by now, but now I want to see those also produce.  There's a produce swap next week and how fun would it be to take a bunch of stuff like squash and beans.  Such. Fun.  

My dog removed my papaya trees.  They are so sickly (no idea why all that I get from my friend suck when hers do so well) so I tried fish emulsion and she dug that right up.  I saved one tree and put it back in, but the others was long gone.  

It was supposed to rain today, heavy.  But it didn't and we have sun for the week.  I hate watering and I will be so happy when everything is established already. 

what I haven't been feeling

 I left my last job and traveled thousands of miles to get back to New Orleans because (as a final straw) my heart started to fritz.  Tachycardia and arrhythmias can be scary AF and I wasn't about orphaning the crazy pants dog.  

Know what hasn't happened once since I've been back?  That.  Zero heart issues.  Sometimes I push myself a little hard physically and i can feel that, but nothing like before.  And also none of the anxiety issues.  The sleeplessness now seems only to be about heat so I need to figure out better cooling options. 

Leaving was hard.  I mean, it was physically very challenging to do all that I did in a pandemic.  I recognize how much support I had from my wonderful neighbors and some work colleagues who loved on Ziggy and a neighbor from a former town who really showed up for me.  But it was still hard.  And it was also hard to leave because I loved 80% of my job - I just could not continue to be on 24/7 call and to have a gaslighting asshole boss who would much rather gossip and sabotage than do anything of any real value.  Not only did I love it but it paid very well and I could retire if I'd stuck with it another five years.

Of course I would be dead in five years. 

And so I left, and here I am.  

And you know, it's fun.  I keep learning new things.  How did I not know before what a giant swallowtail caterpillar looks like?  I bought about another dozen native plants today that I'll cram into my yard that I'm still fighting oxalis and mulching.  And so many other things to do. Don't want to dwell on that because it's overwhelming.

It's also hard.  Ida may have broken me, the realization of climate change flooding over me - literally.  

But my heart is very glad that I left. 

resolve: vegetables

 The garden is finally going and it puts some pressure on me to consume more vegetables (and find people to share the bounty with).  Also the farmers market and the local grocery store sales add pressure as welll.  So yesterday I made a pot of mizuna, potatoes, and black beans that was quite tasty and I'll eat for lunch a few days.  This morning I've cooked up sweet potatoes with a bit of sausage and an egg.  This evening I will make a simmered kabocha squash and/or sauteed mirlitons.  I need to deal with a bounty of daikon radish and some thinned beet greens (with itty bitty beets).  My mache is going to town and I need to put it to good use.  The mizuna and kale keep on rolling back in a celebration of goodness, though they also keep trying to flower likely due to the warm weather.  In the front yard I have cucuzzi squash and green beans that I put in too late, not expecting anything but soil building and coverage until planting spring okra and sweet potatoes, but the squash is blooming like crazy and I think I'm seeing some fruits starting, and the beans are also flowering and I saw the first baby bean yesterday.  

I've leaned too heavily on prepared foods since I've been back, and it's time to move back to the vegetables side of life. 

what a good day

 I took my truck to the shop to get an oil change.  Very overdue but when I picked it up they said it looked fine.  YAAAAAAYYYY. I want my 20 year old pickup to live forever. 

From there I biked to work for the first time, and my head is in the game.  I used to bike to work here and it was a longer and more dangerous route.  This route isn't bad.  But MAN I'm out of biking shape.  My butt hurts, my thighs hurt, my knees hurt, I'm sweaty and winded and feels like I'm barely moving forward (in part because I'm used to driving speed).  I'll get some travel deodorant to leave at work but I want this to be the new normal.  Not next week because it's thunderstorms every day, but when good weather again I want to slowly ramp up to doing this more.  Save wear and tear on truck, get good exercise, be outside - it's a win-win.  And I know all my coworkers will think I'm nuts and I'm perfectly fine with that.  Right now I'm sort of threatening to some people because I'm so competent and confident, so if they can just pigeonhole me as that quirky white lady, it'll be good.  

And now I've gotten a rug for free.  It's smaller than I wanted and needs cleaning, but the colors are good for the house and again, free.  I recently bought a small rug cleaner on sale, which should do the trick.  I took the dog to pick it up and then we were near work so we went for a walk; a coworker was there waiting for someone to bring his keys which he locked inside his truck, and Ziggy made a new friend.  She can be so charming when she wants to be.  My roofing salesman really wants to meet her.  

 I have to gear myself up for a power yardwork weekend.  I have to get things done.  

And I have to gear myself up for my dissertation because my coworkers WILL NOT LET UP.  I have three coworkers with doctoral degrees, and two of them are zeroed in on me finishing.  One today cornered me and was like YOU NEED A PLAN WHAT IS YOUR STEP RIGHT NOW and YOU NEED TO START COMING TO THE OFFICE AND 6 AM AND LEAVE AT 8 PM AND WORK ON YOUR DISSERTATION WHEN YOU'RE NOT ON THE JOB.  It's adorable.  Honestly I feel so supported and seen by their genuine interest in getting me across the finish line.  I promised after this weekend I'd be back on target.  I need to follow up with a committee member who is dragging his feet now in responding.  He's retired and on a different timeline.  My coworker said "Get someone new then!" and that may be an option.  He's just really smart and old school which is how I was trained in methods so I thought we'd be a good match.

 ***

I'm resolving again to buckle down and go into frugality mode.  I already blew half my food budget for the month on a Costco run then local-ish cornmeal and tasty pizza at a lovely bakery on the other side of town where I happened to be on the day they make pizza.  The pizza was larger than I expected for the price and has been good for several meals.  I cancelled my plans for another grocery trip today, realizing that what's in my cupboards, refrigerator, and garden is likely more than enough to eat for awhile.  I'm canning garbanzos and white beans right now, and if I need bread then I'll bake bread (though I have to buy bread pans first so that's annoying).  Canning beans may seem silly when canned beans are perfectly cheap, but I got into the habit up north where shipping added a lot to the price of heavy food items.  Plus I like them in jars without salt; less waste and more control.  

And if I keep reminding myself I may be leaving as soon as a year and a half from now, I don't need to buy new things.  It's not worth investing in an expensive kitchen storage armoire that is exactly what I want when I will sell it for a fraction of that soon.  All my disposable income to decorate is going to the $7,000 rotted joist repairs.  Ugh.  Oh, actually more like $10,700, including the flat roof.  

***

I do love my backyard here, and so does the dog.  We like hanging out back there, puttering around.  So much nature.  Really looking forward to a good loquat harvest.  And I'm already looking forward to summer, with sweet potatoes, okra, and roselle hibiscus taking over.  Sprawling looming summer.  Love it.  Enjoying "winter" weather now, though it's getting up to almost 80 today which is way too fucking hot for December.  I need to stop buying plants.  I'll put in the calamondin in the front yard where I found a spot (to keep it away from the backyard citrus canker infestation) and the mulberry will go in the back, but even when I remove those canker-ridden citrus trees I need to not replace them because I'm not going to be here long enough to enjoy them.  And I dropped some cash on native plants though not excessively, and now I need to let them settle in and see what thrives.  I think the Missouri ironweed has already died perhaps for lack of water.  I watered it some, but if something is going to be fragile and fussy, then my yard is not the place for it.  I moved things around to get them in better position, expecting the firebush and beauty berry to grow large.  I got quite a bit done yesterday in the front yard and I think I need like another three hours and I'll be in pretty good shape.  Need to thin and transplant vegetable beds (and figure out how to better grow starts next year), plant a couple trees, dig up more oxalis and bidens alba, and then lay down cardboard/newspaper as weed barrier and pine straw.  We'll see how it works.  I know I'll still have to weed, but I'm good at staying on top of things like that so long as it's not a huge looming project, like what it's been.  It was SO overgrown it was daunting, and here I am seven months later and mostly on top of it.  So much shit to dig out that was hard, from giant cane reed to bamboo to elephant ears to bananas to ginger.  So many noxious weeds to battle.  Just so much work it's been.  My hope is that these cute native plants will dig in this winter and in spring and summer they will grow and spread and fill in the yard.  I can see what works and what doesn't and move and fill in.  I still have the curb strip to deal with but it's just going to wait for now.  It's hard to be motivated when my driveway is still so fucked up and just a pile of rubble.  I'll get to it.  But not today.