dreams of Russian potato salad

 So, I played my aggravation well - I did not volunteer for the onerous task my boss delayed asking for, and the person who is rude had to agree to do it, including moving her appointments around.  HA.  

And then, my boss ordered us all to work in the office.  Not all the time, but she set a date, which she's never done before.  The truth is that she's never done it because she doesn't want to have to be in the office, but people love having a hybrid schedule.  and then she couched it as a helpful thing for us all to be there, but bitch - that ship sailed YEARS ago.  I'll go, and I'll sit in my office with the door closed, and I'll leave for lunch.  No, I won't be brown bagging in the conference room with you, or eating the bagels you promise as though that will bring us in happy.  Bagels fuck with my blood sugar, no thank you.  Massive carb load.

Whatever.  Her punishment bothers me less than others. 

And, I was late to work today because I decided to do some garden chores.  I was only 1/2 hour late which is not that big of a deal, but I ripped out the tomatoes because the weather is now cool and they're all splitting because of rain and the plants are a literal pain for me and they were in the way.  And I harvested all my carrots, some of which look actually very nice but it took them waaaay longer to grow than it shoudl have, and most didn't grow much at all.  The turnips didn't actually produce at all.  That bed was a real bummer; hopefully it was just the lack of sunlight.  But that bed is now cleared so I can empty the soil elsewhere in the garden and hopefully plant the garlic this weekend.  And harvest dry beans.  I just froze all the green beans I harvested yesterday because I just wasn't feeling it, to cook and eat them soon.  What I really want is cabbage and potatoes, so I'll probably get some this weekend.  I'm craving a potato salad I had in Russia, with pickles - I'll use fermented pickles.  

I lived in Russia for about six months in about 1992, and it was very hard.  Not a pleasant experience.  There are of course wonderful Russians, but many of the people i met were duplicitous at best, and the organization I was there with fell apart when the organizers embezzled all the money and left the country in the middle of the night, and somehow the situation became my problem to manage - paying teachers and host families, threatening the English contact person to bring me a backpack of cash to do all that, going down dark alleys for sketchy contacts - it was just all so weird.  The family I lived with was weird - the mother an alcoholic with no boundaries, and they'd just disappear with me and the chldren left alone with no food - and getting food was difficult; I had to jump in any food line I found, always ready, and the systems were hard (going from counter to cashier back to counter, and such food shortages).  We'd go to the dacha to the father's mother and she had survived the siege of Leningrad and was very hardened by it - she'd tell me tales as I helped with house and garden tasks - and she was racist and antisemitic and that came out in unpleasant ways, and it was just one of the most difficult situations I've ever been in, and I finally escaped on a train in the middle of the night and I was so sick and only brought a big bag of gooseberries to eat, and I landed in Germany and called my ex-boyfriend's family and they connected me with him and he nursed me back to health and 

ANYWAY.

I miss a salad I ate in Russia not infrequently.  And I"ll make that. 

Russia was one of the least pleasant places I've been, but there are so many other wonderful memories of other places.  I was remembering last night about the time that my driver/lover was teaching me to drive in West Africa, and we went out to some interesting spots, and then I was driving and ended up down a road that led to a Bangladeshi peacekeeping force, and there was no way to turn around, so I just kept going, and after some tense moments, they invited us in and then their top brass came to see what was going on and they fed us and enjoyed our company as they were kept really isolated from the people of the country, and it turned into a really wonderful day all around, one of the best days I've ever had.  I am not the most hospitable person, but I really appreciate when I experience it.  

ANYWAY, while being late to work I also pulled the cucumber plant I don't like because they're bitter.  I'd kept them around because Dear Friend likes bitter cucumbers, but now she's gone.  But hopefully I find some more cucumbers and can make a big batch of dill relish tomorrow to can, to stock up.  I stuffed that green waste bin FULL.  I just read I could also substitute zucchini for cucumbers so I may do that to get to my cucumber allotment.  Or I may pick up a cucumber or two at the store when I pick up potatoes to make the potato salad I cannot stop thinking about.  Or maybe I'll go to the farmers market instead of the store - I have a hard time keeping to budget at the market because there's so much good stuff.  Who can resist beets and chard?  Not I.  

**

Another attitude adjustment, and this one is huge, is that maybe it's not the end of the world to stay in this town.  The benefits are starting to shine more - the lack of real traffic problems, the access to fresh food.  I still don't have enough friends, but I think there are enough activities to facilitate me meeting friends once I'm no longer consumed by work.  Hopefully.  I do like my elderly neighbor, for example, even though I may have alienated her and her friends by an interaction on the bike path this week (about the pending group home in our neighborhood - someone absolutely doesn't like conflict and I find it necessary when the organization isn't giving any information, to continue to push and question).  

And there are of course benefits of my house - the garage is a big one, the gardens.  I interact with people who think that garages are a massive waste of space and priority, but I love my garage.  Sure, for parking my car in to keep in good condition and ease of unloading in the rain and not having to scrape windows in winter, but also for projects is a big one and for storing things - things like my bicycle which I use all the time, canning jars and supplies, garden produce that is curing, garden supplies, tools.  I use all these things, they improve my life, and without a garage it would be a challenge.

But also other things with this house that I put in like the induction stove, the heat pump heat and AC.  

And so it is really too much house for me, I don't need the 1260 sq ft or whatever I have of living area, but it's got its advantages, and I'm not 100% certain that I want to be unhoused and flitting from friend to friend.  Though that has its advantages as well, especially the quality time with people who matter to me. And I do still think that an intentional community is the way to go for me, I just have to find where I want to be, and I don't want to settle for something less than what is something I can commit to - that will take time and effort to find and I'm not so sure I want to give up home base.  

this pushes me back to wanting to hold my nose and just bear through another 2.25 years - hopefully enough to pay off the house and have enough to retire.  There are so many things that I dislike about my job, and some things that I can mitigate - like by all the planning in advance of big projects and not procrastinating, it reduces the stress considerably; this is hard for my support staff to understand and I have to keep pushing them to follow the timelines that I set.  But those timelines frankly save my life - the stress that piles on me without it is completely intolerable.  I communicate A LOT and it avoids problems I see crop up with colleagues.  I front-load the work and set clear footings, and so far that has worked for me to avoid some of the really big issues that colleagues have been dealing with that frankly I don't have the mental or physical stamina to handle.  I live in constant fear that one of those things will still happen to me - and maybe they have, but my strong skills with breaking big problems into small pieces and handling them one by one has worked to avoid the worst of it.  I will never have some of the skills of some of my colleagues, but I have other skills to manage this incredibly difficult job.  And pushing back on the volunteering to take on other work - I'm sticking with that even though it's hard for me.  I'll continue to follow all rules and administrative requirements, but I'm becoming that pesky old guy in the office close to retirement who will balk at anything more than the minimum.  That is how I can hopefully survive.  I'm 60% of the way to my goal.  More than half.  I deserve a solid retirement savings and mean girls and other people's procrastination shouldn't push me out.  

This job market is weird and I have less faith than I've had at any time before that I'd be able to easily get a job.  Once before it was this bad, when I finished grad school in like 2009, and it did take me WAY too long to find a job - it was almost a year to get a job, and it paid like 1/3 of what I was making before, and it was really hard to find acceptable housing with that very low pay.  Yes, I have more experience now, but I'm also older and crotchetier, so age discrimination works against me.  And now I have to think ahead - if I live into my 80s, do I want to have to worry about how Ill pay for my life?  No, I don't.  Present me may need to suffer for future me.  

Anyway. 

Weather says it's 43 degrees out and it's overcast, but it looks dry-ish.  Yes, soil is harder to move when wet, which it is now as we've had rain, but I still want to get this done and get the garlic planted!  Top priority.   

The repairs to my front porch are underway and it looks great.  The brickwork had been coming off, the mortar breaking down, so they've remortared and are sealing it.  Now I'll be inspired to change out the front storm door which is broken.  Friend installed a new one that she's really liked and it's not too expensive so maybe that will be sooner than later.  It would be nice to have one that I can close and lock (the current one doesn't close), and then I could potentially use it for ventilation with its window (the windows on the east side of my living room don't open), or for when people knock on my door.  It is always going to be a challenge to not overspend on home updates - I'd love a new driveway, new siding, new patio - I could spend so much money.  But I need to make do with what is good enough when possible, and consider cost-benefit ratio.  $400 on a storm door that makes my house front look nicer and allows ventilation is maybe worth the cost; $770 on repairs to my porch that would have had to be done when I sold the house because loose bricks are a trip hazard - totally worth it.  

I'm a bit excited about change of season.  Not really excited, but open to it.  it's perfect now with cool weather and enough rain that I don't have to water the garden.  Once I get the new garden beds set up, and put in a bunch more native plants after my landscape architect gives me advice and makes a wholesale order for me, outside work should be slowing down and once it turns very soggy outside I can turn to inside projects, such as finishing more quilts and perfecting a whole wheat pita recipe for me since Trader joe's is no longer delivering the goods on that (their new ones are gross and have 2 g added sugar each - and I have a firm no added sugar before lunch rule, plus that's 20% of my daily allocation on most days, so ... no).  I can focus on maybe hiking when the weather doesn't suck, volunteering, reading, more cooking.  Learn to prune my own trees, even though I do very much like my tree pruner and I want to hear about his trip to Japan.  

I am also realizing that my house gets dirty really quickly.  I can scrub the outside siding but it just is dirty again a few weeks later.  NOt as dirty, but not clean.  Why kill myself to scrub it down?  Though I do want to try again to get the windows clean.  

 **

Garlic is planted, yay!  Beds formed with soil, fertilized, planted, watered, lightly mulched, covered with fencing to hopefully keep critters (dog) out.  I still need to process the rest for storage.  Unfortunately some seems damaged - rotten, mildewed.  Not sure why.  Maybe it stayed in the ground too long before harvest. 

NOw I need to shower, head to market.  The spend some time in the kitchen - start dill relish, start whole wheat pitas, make salads (cabbage-garbanzo salad, Russian potato salad), can beans.  Then clean house.  Read, process dried beans if they dry out.  

This is what a good day looks like to me.   

attitude shifts

 I'm shifting attitudes, as I do.

I've got some urinary tract issue.  I contacted my new doctor and he sent me to a UA and culture.  Leukocytes erithrase again elevated, more than before, but culture negative.  That's sterile pyuria, if you care.  His assistant told me to go see my gynecologist, which really pissed me off.  If I needed to see a gynecologist, then that should have been said three days prior when I said this is a problem.  Why doesn't my doctor do any kind of exams?  I didn't come unglued but expressed my displeasure and said I'd see my prior PCP.  He left a voicemail that I just need estrogen and he can prescribe that.  Dude, what?

Look, I get that I am not a doctor.  I get that I'm in menopause.  But I can read valid medical sites about how lots of different things can cause sterile pyuria, and assuming menopause is the problem without ruling other things out is problematic.  He seems to pathologize being an older woman, he's done that about other things too.  I'm not interested in that.

So I went to my old PCP.  A triage nurse called me right back; she asked really good questions (yes, I do have kidney pain, thanks) and I got in for an exam the next day.  They didn't throw me straight up in the stirrups, we talked through different possibilities.  I've got an ultrasound (the fibroids could be back?), a urology consult, and did a self-swab to rule out BV which I've had before and it's not fun for me.  Both the PA and her assistant heard my concerns and wished me well.  

Look, maybe I do need hormonal replacement.  I doubt it, because menopause hasn't been problematic really.  But maybe.  If that's what I need then I need it.  But feeling constant pressure on my bladder, that doesn't seem the first step.  I hadn't even thought of consulting with a urologist - of course that's a good idea.  

Anyway, my attitude is shifting back to preferring my old PCP.  It's way more convenient for sure - I biked right over and their lab is on site and I've always been able to get in next day for urgent issues.  I'm still annoyed that I only have a primary provider as a nurse straight from school and not a doctor with experience, but the PA today had some good thoughts.  I think I'm back.

And yes, I'm annoyed about the $2100 I paid for this "concierge" doctor who apparently doesn't even do exams.  But i had to try it and see for sure that he couldn't be helpful with identifying my health issues.  He's not.  Moving back to free to me because I do have good insurance.

My other attitude shift is towards my co-workers.  One in particular just ignored me for the first like eight months I worked there.  I gave her the benefit of the doubt - she was pregnant, she hadn't been there long, she's kind of shy, etc.  And I thought we were doing ok, but the other day I saw something and told her I have the answer if she can just email to remind me to send it to her.  Instead of that, she went to her friend who is a manager above us, and asked her; and she'd been weird to me when I'd flagged the issue.  The manager said I'm the only one who knows and she cc'd me on the request.  And I sent the information.  And she didn't thank me.  So that's rude at like three different points, so I'm done giving her the benefit of the doubt.  If she had just said thank you, I would have let the other rude dismissiveness go, but no.  She has led the mean girls club that has made my job really unpleasant (in part- there are other things as well) and I'm just done continuing to be the nice one.  

And also - fuck them for excluding me and making things so much harder for me the whole time I've been here, but now I don't really actually need them.  So I'm not offering any more help.  

But also - they don't own this job.  Am I quitting the job because they make it so stressful?  That's only a small part, honestly.  But I'm not going ot allow that into the equation at all anymore.  Their pettiness doesn't get to negatively impact my finances.  Fuck that.  

though, one common cause of my symptoms in interstitial cystitis, which is worsened by stress through inflammation.  and that's a huge problem for me.  so I have to learn to let alllll the stress go.  From the mean girls in my office to the nature of my job.  I need to do what's best for me.  

my boss asked several of us to cover a project and I am not volunteering.  We got only like four business days notice, and it's on a day where I have a lot of stressful things going on.  It will fuck me up to have more stress.  I'm pushing back.  I don't care that it's because of other people's problems - I'm not the cause of the problems if I refuse to get stressed out because of other people not doing their work.  If they had given me enough notice, it would probably have been ok, but not like this.  No. 

I get to be selfish.  And I'm going to be.  I mean, I'm a pretty selfish person - it's why I like to be alone, so I don't have to put other people's wants first or have to compromise.  But I'm next leveling my selfishness.  

making groceries

 It's Friday and work is over and I did some grocery shopping so I''m quite proud of myself.  Milk for yogurt, ground beef for sukuma wiki (that perennial kale in my garden is looking so good and tastes sweet), and some chips because I just love chips and I think I'll make nachos to use up some beans.  I've got plenty of pepper jack cheese, black beans, salsa, pickled peppers.  Sounds like some good meals to me.  Other things I'll cook: green beans sauteed with ground turkey, and cauliflower.  I might roast it to eat as a side to the green beans, but I also might make curry with pressed tofu.  Can't decide.  Breakfast today was lentils (the best that's turned out), lunch was zucchini pancakes and tomato-cucumber bulgur.  All this produce from my garden, it's amazing.  

My neighbor frantically called this morning to say that a water main had broken in front of my house.  Well, as frantic as I've ever seen him.  He looks like such a stoner/bureaucrat.  I rushed home and quickly identified the leak as coming from his property, not mine.  Not sure how he missed it but it worked out ok.  The water company came and fixed it pretty quickly, relatively speaking.  Regularly grateful for functioning public services like this, even if the guys were dicks when I tried to ask questions.  They did sweep up after the sidewalk flooding which was nice.  And because of this flooding, I saw that my dog has been trying to tunnel under my fence.  I've filled the space up a couple of times and thought she was giving up, but just the opposite.  It's behind a dogwood in my backyard so I can't see her back there digging.  She's not actually trying to get out or she would have long ago - I think she's just shoving her face under there to freak people and dogs out.  She's such a ridiculous asshat.  But now I have it firmly blocked off with logs and wire fence.  

Still thinking about going back to school.  Not sure how I can swing it financially, but I just don't know how I can keep up with this job.  Though, end of day was nice - I had a big block of time to process a big project, and then I had a successful email exchange with someone who has been problematic, and a call from someone who said "We think this, but our high-up manager said to ask you what you think."  And I think it's funny that the high-up manager does this, because I do it to her.  I greatly respect her, have never disagreed with her since the very beginning (when she was late to a meeting and upset that I wasn't discussing things we'd already discussed and thought I was interrupting her).  Some of her staff does not like me, but she keeps them in line.  And so I told this person three down the line from her, that I agree with whatever she says.  "Go ask your mother," essentially. 

Going back to school would mean leaving my house more days (though for shorter time), a lot more biking and walking.  I'm honestly kind of afraid of being able to do it, but I think I can and it would do me a lot of good.  and I'm under no illusion that academia is any kind of solid plan anymore - this is just to transition with the dog.  No, in fact, I bicycle regularly past my old professor's house that I saw listed for sale; I was obsessed with her.  Can't believe we got back in touch, see her on Facebook, she posted photos of us many years ago.  Her life has been a struggle in many ways.  No ivory tower for her. 

LOL, she used to see me biking past her place and thought, "Oh, she must live near her."  I was stalking her.  And she's so clueless she didn't think about how I kept biking past her place when she moved across town.  

**

Yay for Saturday mornings, I'm feeling inspired.  Have the frozen pears simmering to make and can sauce.  I really need to work through my freezer and not keep things in there too long as the freezer burn is real.   I'll turn that off and go haul a big pile of woodchips.  It would be amazing to finish that today but don't want to overdo it.  Mostly I need to get them off the street and into my yard, but I also need to do some distribution.  I need to pick tomatoes, something I hate doing because of my allergy.  And if the woodchips don't kill me, I'll turn to a bed to empty it - I need to harvest the turnips and carrots, then haul the soil to a new bed (with better sunlight) to plant garlic.  That will probably not be done today but it's on the list.  I need to hang laundry out to dry, clean the house, harvest dry beans.  All the things.  This is why I don't make time for things like hiking - I get tired out with all the things I do.  

Also want to take time to seriously look at applying for school as that application is due in a few months and there are steps to take.  Including a personal essay of interest.  I'm sort of all over the place so need to start refining my thoughts.  I can't imagine they won't accept me but it could happen.   

It's only a year away but it's still really speculative, and I need to run scenarios about how I can make it work financially.  The house is really the big issue.  And tied to that, the dog's mortality since I promised her she wouldn't have to move again.  She's been such a good sport with all our huge moves thousands of miles but we're both tired.  She's also annoyed with me for sitting here drinking coffee instead of starting the day, so she wins, off I go. 

*

Oof, I did not finish the street mulch, though not much is left.  I'm just worn out after hauling 15 large wheelbarrow loads.  I wanted to push through, but no.  But it's still a bit overcast and not too hot so once I rest and maybe lunch I should be able to do some harvesting to get that garden bed ready to be moved.  The air is so still that it always feels weird to me, and it feels warmer than it is because of zero breeze.  

Peeling all those little tomatoes was a ton of work, but that salsa is very tasty and I don't regret it.  and so I'll probably do it again next year, though I keep trying to convince myself to stop planting tomatoes.  

Feeling a bit sluggish today but got off the couch to process all the hot peppers, so glad I did.  My jalapenos are tiny which is super annoying - must be the type of start I got.  This is my best pepper year here.  The poblanos still await roasting before skinning and canning.  We'll see how that goes and how tasty they are.  I think I'll do them in half pints.   

**

Scale says up again, 0.4 pounds.  I did eat a medium size bag of chips over two or three days so I guess that's not too surprising.  I guess.   

It's past time to head out to walk the dog, was just waiting for a bit more clearance (don't like driving in fog), and did a few tasks.  Sorted through all the containers Dear Friend brought, connected with lids so they're easy to fill with food to share.  Juice all the pieces of limes she left behind - she just kept putting a half or less in plastic sandwich bags rather than using the ones in the holder as I guess she didn't see it.  The fridge was pretty stuffed full.  It's emptying now.  Still need to deal with that cauliflower she got and intended to roast - not sure if I want to curry it with tofu and garbanzos as a meal instead of just roasted as a side.  Probably a good idea to make it a meal.  It's probably not something I'll want to eat more than twice, and I can share the rest thanks to all the takeaway containers I've got restocked.  I do get really frustrated at the littering that people do on my property often with food from the community refrigerator, and every time I get annoyed I'm less likely to share.  I've never seen the food that I've shared be wasted, but plenty of other tasted and tossed (or dropped, or who knows what).  Also assholes like leaving empty milk containers and orange peels scattered over my property for me to have to pick up.  Not ok.  PUT. IT. IN. THE. TRASH. CAN. BESIDE. THE. FRIDGE.  We do have neighborhood heroes who do regular pickups of litter, but they are usually on the other side of the street, so it is mostly left to me.  Which super annoys me, especially since it's on the side so I don't go there unless there's a reason.  I dont' want the reason to be to pick up people's trash after I've helped feed them.  

ANYWAY.

The dog is wired to roll on her walk and she's not wrong, so off we go.   

**

Was digging around more to prepare a grad school application and saw that a professor with similar research interests has spots for grad students in her lab.  Great, I thought.  While I can teach well, I"m not really vibing with that, so I'm thinking more of a research grad employment option.  

But then I thought, wait, that would be mean being in the lab like 19 hours per week working.  That's 2.5 days.  Plus at least two full days in classes.  That's ... that's kind of a lot.  Part of quitting and going back to school is taking time to rest and recover.  On the other hand, that's just during the school terms - there are lots of vacation breaks throughout and between the terms, so really, that's what I'm missing, the opportunity to recover.  I was long a teacher and had summer breaks to recover, plus some other breaks.  That's a more reasonable schedule for me than this relentless job now.  Even if I take time off, it means I come back to working 10+ hour days just to catch up - that's just with only taking four days off!  It's insane.  So ... it does still seem like school would be more reasonable.  I think.  Obviously still thinking.  Plus it's not the 8-5 that kills me, it's that it's so grueling and not limited to just those hours.  I've never had a hard time working before, i like work.  It's just this work that's so awful.

OK, have the peppers roasted and canning.  Not sure if I'll do that again - it seems a lot of work for not much product and I'm afraid they'll just be mush because it's pressure canning after roasting.  Getting the peels off my poblanos was tough, much easier off the anaheim I bought.  Perhaps my poblanos don't really need it.  I will keep on freezing the rest and see.  

It does seem like there's freezer burn on food and some off taste so I'm going to get more diligent about packaging.  

Oof, I'm getting way too fancy prepping for tomorrow's dinner.  Tonight's turned out great so I'm doing prep.  Clean, break up the cauliflower, dry, put it in a bowl.  Now I'm baking the tofu after pressing and seasoning it, and making crunchy garbanzos.  Tomorrow I'll cook the purple barley and make the curry with coconut milk, cauliflower, seasonings, and zucchini if I've got some (gave it all away today when a friend stopped by), and I'll add in the baked tofu.  I'll cook the vegetables lightly because I do not like them mushy, and add hopefully crunchy garbanzos on top or at least they won't be mushy.  

I just don't like mushy food.  Want a bit of texture.  Anyway, I probably won't like all this too much and will end up giving it away, but that's ok.  I'm using up what I already have, which is a goal now.  Don't know if this is realistic but I'd like to go through everything in my cupboards and fridge and freezer that is due to expire by the end of this year or which I put up over a year ago.   I will likely make some odd things.  I did organize my freezer today and found some peas I'd tried to save but I know a lot of them are starchy so the lot went into the compost bin.  

Everything in my freezer is something I made except for butter and pitas (which I'll have to stop buying since they started adding sugar).  I have zero pre-packaged food, just a lot of things like frozen berries and vegetables.  I work so hard to eat well and it does definitely help with pain and brain fog, but it's still discouraging to be gaining weight when my focus is always on vegetables.  I've greatly reduced my use of oil, cut back on grains.  But still.   Every splurge leads to an increase.  It's not sustainable for me to always stay so strict, it sucks.  

Got focused on food rotation and ... yeah.  Quite a few things to share - they're not bad but I'm clearly not using them quickly (sugar free ketchup, mustard, sambal oelek, lime juice, etc. etc. etc.).   And things moved to the bottom shelf to use up soon, like artichoke hearts.  And the cupboard is abundant - I finally used up all the hemp hearts that I had in my sourdough and was kind of bummed that I don't have more, but I could use chia seeds instead and I have a ton of them to use up.  The chia seed "pudding" that I make messes with my gut but I'll bet some seeds in the bread will be a good thing.  

**

I know that I am cushioned from reality because I earn a high salary (relatively speaking), and because of how I build a life (bike to work instead of drive so fill the gas tank less than once a month; cook all from scratch, etc.), but the soaring prices on essentials is overwhelming many.  And I cannot help but think back to a photo I saw in an 8th grade history textbook, of a woman taking a wheelbarrow of currency just to buy a loaf of bread in Germany after the first world war.  (It just struck me how ethnocentric "world war" is.)  I fear we're reaching the tipping point for many and i am not convinced that things will get better before they get much worse.  

This situation is dire, frankly.   

 

work didn't kill me ... today

 But when I finish a day's work, even when I log out at 5 pm, I feel ... so drained.  Yes, some days I have the energy to do other things but not the bandwidth.  I don't want to move or do anything.  And that's not healthy.  

I finished HOw to Be a Rich Lady and while I found the author stayed annoying the whole book, I firmly agree with her politics.  More community, less exploitation.  I didn't learn much, which is a good sign that I'm on the right track.  Hopefully.

Lots of messages coming at me recently that make it seem like I shouldn't quit.  I could be more generous, help more people and causes financially.   

I don't know what I'm going to do about my job and quitting.  I hate it so much//it pays the bills well. 

PIcked up another book, The Hill by Harriet Clark.  That is what I intend to read in bed before sleep tonight.   Hope it's good.  At least it's short.  I have three more books waiting to be read and I'm on the constantly moving hold list for about 24 more books.  Oh, only 12 more.  OK, I'm moving down the list.  I started a new hobby last year at the end/beginning of the year, to go through all the "best of" lists and pick out all the ones that sound good to me.  And add others throughout the year.  It helps me to be messaged to go to the library, else I get a little overwhelmed.  Which is strange - as a child I had the library shelves memorized, knew all the things I would read.  And this library is not massive - I could know more things.  But it's overwhelming, with little details like that my parking is only free for 10 minutes.  I cannot wander stacks with only 10 minutes.  I hate that the parking is a charge for a public good.  

 **

Was awake at 5 this morning which was too early, but got up.  I'm making lentil loaf and canning beans.  I won't bake the lentil loaf until tomorrow morning (if I get up early enough) but it will be nice to have it all ready to pop in the oven. And I don't like to can in the evening because I want to see that things are sealed before they sit out all night.  I did contemplate making pear sauce with the bag of frozen pears in my freezer but that'll be a bigger project.  And now I think I'll turn to work.  Not crazy about starting my workday at 6:30 am, but there's enough to do for sure, and I'm hoping to take Friday afternoon easy and maybe start my weekend a bit early.  

**

I keep talking myself out of quitting, but I think I just really have to.   I'm watching someone who does my work waste away from the stress of this job.  It's literally killing her.  I don't think other people can see that with me in the same way but I feel it.  

Last night there was an info session from an organization that purchased property in our neighborhood without any communication and is setting up a group home, and through work I am affected by the organization.  We have many concerns - both with my job and also now through this home.  They've got millions of dollars thrown at them and they don't seem to know what they're doing.  It's really concerning.  But what was fun is that my elderly neighbor keeps me in the loop, and I went and sat with her, and without me even saying to her that I want to stay under the radar she just knew.  "Any other questions you want me to ask?" and she did.  I could identify some of the bullshit but mostly it was a shoddy horse and pony show with a defensive person who just wanted to tell stories from her personal life.  Bless my neighbors, they are mostly so welcoming and want to be helpful.  That was sweet.  But I walked my elderly neighbor home (she uses walking sticks for balance and always has someone with her) and we analyzed the situation, she said I was like a spy, and talked about other things.  That was the only fun part.  I hate bullshit, I'm so over it.  I hear it all day, every day.  And the elderly neighbor reminded me it's not just my job, it's being part of the US right now, it's all so hard.  

The organization said it will probably take two years for them to be up and running and elderly neighbor said to me, well, probably not my problem, I may be dead by then.  Her husband died last year and she's in her 80s.  She seems healthy and very alive to me but what do I know, and yes, we die.  She was pointing out the three MAGA homes in our neighborhood, including the house between us (the guy who burned my plants but the wife recently asked about where I buy native plants).  She and I seem to really have similar political bent, though she struggles with things like they/them.  "You were an English teacher, how can you not be bothered?  The singular and plural combined like that?  I'm always now so afraid I"ll mess up and people will get mad at me."  "Because I care more about respecting people's self-identity than I do about grammatical rules.  It can be hard.  I stumble sometimes with conjugating or remembering.  But I try and I've never had somebody get mad at me for my mistakes when I'm trying."  She seemed to take that in stride.    

It was interesting to hear how long people have lived in the neighborhood - one back to the 70s as an adult, numerous who'd grown up here and came back.  This is definitely an aging neighborhood, many older people.  

Anyway, I need to quit my job.  I'm just afraid of what will come next, because it is nice to make good money, and I never will again.   

light

 Enjoying slowly moving through things.  Friend came over to help load a couch and a table into my truck to take to donate.  "Good thing is you won't have to unload it on the other end, " she said.  She cursed it, I had to.  Didn't want to, but nobody to help.  Oh well.  It didn't kill me.  And then I finally checked my turn signal which had been funky - did you know that the signal going unusually fast is a sign that the light is out?  I didn't, but that's handy.  So I went back out to get the light for it, and then when I opened the assembly I heard something - it was the lightbulb.  It had just fallen out.  Put it back in, and it works fine.  Weird.  Also got a car wash while I was out, trying to get all the insects off my car from the roadtrip.  Used a coupon of course.  $5 is a great deal and it was on the way.  I do like how most things are so near me - all those errands were only like a mile away.  

Laundry finally running, more chores to do today but I'm feeling good with what I accomplished.  It included building a garden bed, half-filling it with mostly decomposed compost (I'll top it off with garden soil), flipping the raw compost bin, filling a large pallet bin with woodchip mulch (to put it someplace, and it's still breaking down).  And other things I'm sure.  Tomorrow I hope to move all the woodchips off the street into my yard - I did free up another pallet bin if I want to use that.  

As I was fixing my truck light, I was called by name, and my neighbor (the Republicans, not the anarchists) asked where I get my native plants.  I told her, and then sort of marveled at the interaction because they have the most pristine yard - watered lawn, manicured roses, all that kind of thing.  I've told them before about my interest in native plants when they've asked what the hell I'm doing, but I never tried to proselytize.  Is she now thinking that it's the way to go?  I saw her putting in a lot of work today with weeding, so maybe she's rethinking her life choices and admiring how little work I put in.  (All my work is in the backyard; the front is just plant it and forget it, pretty much.)    

**

Oof, mornings are rough.  I'm so stiff and sore lately.  I hope my bed's not the problem, wouldn't want to have to replace it.  I think I'm just getting old and the physical activity needs recovery.  I've also had a productive cough for awhile which I'm going to assume is from dust from going to the desert, or maybe from moving mulch (I try to mask up but it's not perfect).  

Woke up at 3:30 and couldn't get back to sleep for a long time.  This time I can't blame on the dog.  But I'm moving slow.  Nursing coffee now, did get dishes and camp gear put away, bread shaped.  This flour (Amarillo is the type) is fun - the bread is so floofy.  Really fun to work with, soft and springy.  It's a hard white winter wheat, the type I always use, but it's fun that I have access to different types of flour from nearby growers.  I'm toying again with getting a grain mill, but it would only be for freshness (the rye flour I bought was milled in July), so it seems unnecessary.  It doesn't seem that it's cheaper to buy the grain than the flour, and it would be one more appliance to store and I have no more room.  

I've been looking more into the intentional community where the person I know lives, and it seems a possibility.  I'll need to go check it out.  It would definitely push my comfort level to live in close community but I do think it's healthy and necessary.  Logistically it sounds like I could install a tiny home, and I went down the rabbit hole with that and there are numerous economic options for buying one, and they're common enough in this area that finding transport wouldn't be tough.  The community doesn't require a big commitment off the bat, instead taking years to determine if a person is a good enough fit to buy in to the community.  If I can learn to live well with others in community and our values align, it also seems like I could do the travel that interests me while having a meaningful home.  It's the opposite of bougie - the person I know is very forthcoming about challenges with physical infrastructure; for instance, I know of serious mouse problems and that's why I was storing some group things at my house, and that's how I got to know her.  And I'm a little bougie now, so being able to bring my own tiny home appeals to me - plus, having my own retreat space.  But there's so much outdoor work and things to do, and some shared meals, and other community activities.  There are goats and sheep and chickens and ducks, for ethical eggs and milk and meat, and so much food production including vegetables and fruit.  She's a permaculture expert and I always learn a ton from her.  

Anyway, logistically it seems like a possibility.  Timing, I would quit my job in a year, start school, start spending some time out there on workdays and such; once the dog dies, consider moving there and asking the permission required.  Adjust my gestalt to community, putting myself in recovery from rugged individualism and misanthropy.  

I had been flying the idea of putting in a tiny home in Friend's backyard, and she seems open to it, but logistically I think it's a challenge.  It couldn't be one on wheels due to zoning, so I wouldn't be able to remove it when the time comes to sell the house or another occasion.  And Friend is in her mid-60s, so tbh, I need to think of her mortality and how it impacts me.  She's always been a home base, but it's likely that she will die before me, and then I'll be older and more vulnerable, so I should probably be looking into other home base options.  

Oof, I just updated my spending and I've already spent $268 on food for the month. It's to be expected, as Dear Friend spends a lot and I try to keep up with her.  I finally shut down trying to keep up with her though, saying I need to eat at home as I'm already over budget for the month (after I dropped $40 on fancy cheeses and crackers and such for her).  It shifted the balance a bit to her paying more if she wants something, and I loaded her up to take with "free" food (only my labor) such as dried fruit, canned goods, and bread.  I also started making sure we ate before shopping, and made shopping lists aloud to slow her rampant (to me) spending.  She finds joy in spending money on food; I find joy in cutting costs.  It's always been a bit of tension for us that we work around.  

And now I will try to eat from home for the rest of the month, with very little further purchases.  

Bread is in the oven, and this flour is a joy to work with - not sticky.  Usually it's hard to clean up because there's such sticky dough, but today was a dream.  

Because I'm running late it's likely that the trailhead parking lot nearest me will be full, so I'm finding a Plan B.  I feel like crap but want to start a new habit so even if I don't go far it will be worth it.  

OK, lids off bread and it's got less ovenspring than I'm used to.  Interesting. 

When i went out camping, I got really good gas mileage in my car - twice what I usually get.  Interesting.  It's up and down mountains to drive there but still better than in town.

**

OK, the hike didn't happen.  Stomach problems emerged making me unwilling to be far away from a bathroom.  and I had to prioritize, and having a clean house prevailed.  Almost done with all the chores, letting floor dry.  

Plan now is to get up early tomorrow and take dog for longer walk than we usually do.  

It's raining hard now, or it did for a brief moment.  Such a lovely sound.  

**

OK, I didn't get up early this Sunday but hopefully it's still not tooooo busy out where I walk the dog and we can go a bit further.  Got the coffee grinder cleaned first thing so the pieces can all dry out all day before reassembling.  Also pulled out some food that I already have on hand that I can use up - quinoa, bulgur, and the like.  To remind me to think about it and try to not shop unless necessary (I seem to have lost a quart of oats somewhere, which is so weird, but those I'll replace).  

Food today/this week - blitva (garlicky chard & potatoes), cucumber salad with peanuts (use up the last of the green onions), zucchini fritters (got a nice big zucchini to use for this), tuna (have a jar which may have false sealed so need to use it it up), lentil loaf (a common breakfast), roasted cauliflower, green beans (I need to go pick them today) with probably tofu (though I'm also thinking - maybe minestrone), quinoa cucumber salad.  And I need to finish eating the beans that I cooked yesterday.  I think going forward I'll be eating beans on rice more than in tortillas - looks like my local producer of whole wheat tortillas has started adding more ingredients (preservatives and such).  I'm so disappointed with this on top of the whole wheat pitas having added sugar.  I can't trust any bread product not made in my kitchen, I guess.  I know that I can make whole wheat pitas but it's just another thing to do.  I don't want more things to do, sometimes I want convenience.  

And I'll go through my freezer to see what else needs to be used up.  I think it's time to turn to berries, yay.  Will get more milk to make yogurt to enjoy with those.  I have plenty of onions and they need to get used up and/or frozen.  Need to go through the fridge to ensure there's nothing I've forgotten about - I know there are some peppers that we got for salsa, not sure what else.  I may do pickled peppers with those.   

OK, and now I've cleaned the dishwasher filter and have started a cleaning cycle with cleaning tab.  And that concludes my usual cleaning lists.  I did not get into the deep cleaning this week as I'd hoped to, the cleaning of rugs level of cleaning.  (Last time I cleaned the rugs, the solution smelled so bad for over a week, so I am reluctant.  I think I need to rinse it all out with water but even then ... it reeks.  And it's a bigger job than I feel like doing casually.  Need to be able to open the house up with warm breezes.) 

I'm struggling emotionally about having to go back to work tomorrow - a lot of anxiety and despair.  So I need to stay focused on the tasks at hand - food preparation, garden tasks, laundry, etc.  But first, dog walk.  I'm also feeling under the weather but I'm not sure how much of that is physical and how much psychological.  

Oof, the dog is very ready to go out.  It's hilarious how she can tell days like this.  

Looks like I haven't weighed myself in three weeks, and I'm up 0.6 pounds.  Where I've been hovering a few months.  I'd like to move off this plateau.  

**

Walk was a bit longer than normal but not much.  Saw another dog where I'd wanted to walk the long route so turned another way, and then ran into a sporting match.  But still pretty good, and the weather was great - 55 degrees and overcast.  Now I need to get out and pick green beans before it starts raining again - the pods are getting too big.  Too late for some, probably.  I also need to harvest root vegetables (carrots, turnips, potatoes), but that's for another day.  

Oo wee - that's a lot more green beans than i expected.  And I have an awful headache.  

**

Powered through cleaning all the green beans.  I think I'll put some in minestrone today, save some to cook later this week (sheet pan with tofu? Maybe, though I'm a little tired of that as I've been doing it a lot), and freeze the rest.  

also got 15 cloves of garlic sliced and chard chopped and potatoes parboiled to make lunch.  Taking time on a Sunday to cook means having time to peel and process tiny cloves - normally I'm watching the clock with time consuming tasks like that.  I have the momentum to handle sweet potatoes that were tucked away, though looks like I need to blanch them before freezing, so that adds another layer.  It's ok, I have time.  

**

So, the blitva didnt' turn out right - I overcooked the parboiled potatoes perhaps, and they just mashed with the garlic and chard.  It's fine.  Still tasty.  

Now I've got minestrone simmering and I think I'll mostly give it away because it's a rainy dreary day and I'll make more another time.   

**

It's 8 pm and I'm feeling frantic about all I didn't do on my time off.  I miss being a teacher with summers off, though I rarely actually took a summer off - between teaching summer school, getting a masters degree, I stayed a busy person. 

I'll be ok.

Finished another book, Yellow Pine.  I wish I'd enjoyed it.  

I need to lean into recognizing how this is the good stuff.  Petting my dog, cooking healthy foods from my garden, message from a beloved friend, having all I need.  I do very much enjoy these moments and want more of them.  

... and home

 Trip was totally worth it, glad I pushed myself.  The hike last night was pretty rough going down and I was nervous as it was heading towards dusk and steep back up, but my rule is: up is always easier.  Pushing into a challenge is where I thrive.  

Creatures were helping to support; stopped at a ranger station and a chipmunk and butterflies welcomed me.  Camp had lizards (my favorite - LOVE THEM) and frogs (love them even more!) and snake.  The one friendly person there had warned me about a juvenile rattler without rattles to warn, so I wasn't surprised to see him, and he was gone when I passed back.  I instinctively know rattlesnakes - I spent all my summers with them in Kansas, often handled them when headless.  Now I'm sad for all we killed but I understand the fear of all the walkers not being wise (my grandmother owned a tourist attraction where I spent my summers).  

The camp itself is a nice setup BUT the acoustics are no joke.  I'd planned to have an early night but people who'd put in tents after mine, near me, were loud.  Just one of them was loud, and her voice carried so bad, I could hear every word she said, and none of her words were meaningful or useful.  She's an idiot, and mostly I say that because I'm exhausted.  She did shut up before mandatory quiet hours thank god, but I still didn't sleep well.  The sleeping mat was on its inaugural voyage and I don't love it.  I also realized I'd put up the tent at a slope so that didn't help.  My tent is showing signs of age - I've had it for .. god, have I had it for 30 years?  It's been a long time for sure, and the material is showing some degradation, the poles are bent, etc.  It's still good for awhile but I may start looking to replace it.  It worked fine.  The main problem was my bladder - I have a very good bladder and never have to get up in the night ... until recently.  And then yesterday because it was so hot and dry when I arrived, I drank a ton of water and felt like I needed to pee but nothing came out.  So when I got the message again later, I didn't believe it, and I really didn't want to schlepp all the way back to the restrooms, so I tried to ignore it, and then I couldn't sleep.  So, mostly I stupidly fought with myself.

I was the first person up in the campground; there were maybe ... 40 people?  Most are rockclimbers but not all.  Made a good cup of coffee and watched the sun rise (it was not a colorful one but still no regrets), had some tuna that I'd canned for breakfast, and off I went to more hiking.

Here's something I realized: women of my age think we're invincible, and so they were all recommending really arduous hikes.  Well, arduous for me.  No, I'm not intending the hike 11 miles on a trail with very challenging conditions today, thank you very much.  Three different women of about my age did that type of recommendation, and one last year ("sure, it's a hard hike, but it's not impossible").  But the men were more at my level - the man yesterday with the rattlesnake knowledge (they saw other adult rattlers too), and then one today.  I'd stopped at a sign that was broken off and pulled out my map to see what was missing, and an older man who was very geared up (sun protective clothing, walking poles, water, etc.) and clearly knew the area very well (perhaps a ranger off-duty?) asked if he could help.  When I explained my confusion he said that was the shortcut path that was very challenging, and encouraged the main path and told of what it connected to.  Do I want to go down very loose rock at a very steep angle?  I DO NOT.  I thanked him.  He wished me a good day, saying it's a special time of day that early in the morning, as though he knew exactly what I was up to - I wanted to enjoy the stillness of the massive rocks, I didn't need to do rigorous activity to feel alive.  

Back in the day, I hiked quite a bit.  In high school I lived with mountains and I walked and hiked a lot.  I continued that when I lived in Europe, and I think it only really stopped when living in New Orleans.  There's no hiking there.  I did walk around a lot the first time I lived there, but after I came back after diseases, I never really picked it up again.  And I haven't picked it up since.  Sometimes I've had friends encouraging me to go out with them but I decline or require an easy path.  One reason I got the dog was because I wanted a walking companion, but she's a reactive aggressive beast who's actually cut my walking.  (And yes, I tried many trainers and the like to try to chill her out, but I just have to manage her to keep everyone safe.)  

**

I slept 9.5 hours last night with only one interruption (the dog needed to go out at midnight) and it was glorious.  I'm still dealing with brain fog from the pattern of too little sleep, but hopefully I'll be catching up and getting right.  

It's already Friday which has me super bummed - I could use a whole month off work, easily.  And all the aches and pains are hitting fully, as I limp around bent over (feet and back mostly).  I do very much want to rally and get some outside work done.  And finish a book, pick up a new one (that doesn't have to be today).  Clean the house thoroughly.  I unpacked mostly from the trip but I didn't finish all the putting away yet, so first that.  Hoping this coffee gives me some life.  I plan to start another batch of bread today, want a stash in the freezer as I have some busy times ahead.  Pick more dry beans?  Probably yes, as rain is supposed to return tomorrow.  Friend is stopping by after work to give a hand with the items needing to be donated (couch, table).  

Friend said that the dog was on her best behavior while there, and I've also been seeing a lot of best behavior - she's being so sweet and attentive.  But mostly she's just off sleeping.  She's exhausted with life.  And the stress of leaving her there takes a toll - as soon as I walked in the house I could smell her stress scent, very strong, and when she's stressed it affects her stomach as well.  So I definitely feel torn, with wanting to get out and explore more and wanting to be home with her and not stress her out.  I think the compromise is to only do day trips for now.  If it will be a long day trip, Friend can hopefully stop by to let her out.  But the overnighting away is very hard on her.  This poor dog has so much internal stress from the trauma of her early life, I just want things to be comfortable for her.  When i drove away the other day and heard her distraught screaming to leave her not at home, it broke my heart.  

So I want to commit to more hiking, get into better shape.  I need to get some better shoes for sure.  And I want to commit to more weight loss to make that easier.  I want to push past this plateau and ideally lose another 40 pounds, though I'd be ok with another plateau at 20 pounds.  I want to increase activity.  

I really need to stop letting work take all my best energy.  I need to be more disciplined about that.  Though, I've been trying.  I have a scant resource of energy and my job is super challenging for everyone who does it.  That's why it pays well.  I think the off-ramp is the only solution for that issue.  But also, better fitness could also perhaps help.  I've never found exercise to give me energy, only drain it.  I remember when I trained for the Los Angeles marathon and was very active - I didn't feel any better.  I just use that as an objective measure, though that was 24 years ago, pre-diseases so I felt much better.  

Here's another reason I want to stop earning a lot of money (the primary reason is that the stress of this job is killing me): taxes.  I paid $26K in federal taxes last year.  In this horrific time of Trump, I want to opt out of that shit.  I'm not going to break the law by refusing to pay taxes as some do, but I can definitely stop earning much.  Simplify life as a form of objection.  My life is already pretty simple but can be more so.  The big issue is housing - 67% of my spending is on housing.  But of course, I'm also saving 42% of my takehome pay.  I do feel like most of the rest of spending is pretty locked down - $200/month for car (all expenses including insurance, maintenance, gas, etc.).  $50/month for dog; $400/month for food for me.  I added $200/month for health because of the concierge doctor; doubt I'll be renewing that charge.  Utilities are $300/month average (which would be a lot higher if I hadn't invested in heat pumps).  I do give myself $400/month of "miscellaneous" for everything from garden to clothing, though I only have spent on average $136/month this year.  I do maximize coupons and rebates and "credit card points" and such to keep that low.  I think the only big item I've spent on this year was a fancy vacuum cleaner.  Once the dog is gone, I could get a roommate or two, though the house isn't set up well for that and I haven't ever slept well when I have guests.  Though when there's no more dog it's unlikely I'll stay in this house.  For instance, there's an intentional community outside of town that I mean to visit; I know a leader there and always learn a ton from her.  Their values are a little extreme to me (no wifi or cell phones allowed), but it's intriguing.  

OK, coffee is nearly finished, time to move into this day.  

Oh, that reminds me - one bad thing from the trip is that when I got out of the tent in the morning, I stumbled and fell.  I've been having issues with vertigo and mobility first thing in the morning and I need to work on that.  I'm still able to control when I'm falling usually - I can't always stop the fall entirely, but it goes into slow-mo and I can twist my body to the least damaging fall.  Like, I didn't want my head to fall on one of the rocks so I turned so my abdomen did and my hands and knees landed first.  

This whole trip was a reality check that it's not too late for me to be healthier, but the window is closing.  I need to prioritize that.  Another friend of a friend died the other day; diagnosed with cancer just a few months ago and passed before he could even enter hospice.  Life is fucking short and I need to spend it how i want.  I'm going to go snuggle my dog now and then head outside, to enjoy the life I have.   

basta

 This week has been really hard - so draining, and then more draining. 

I think it's probably the best thing I can do for myself to quit next year.  I mean, it's a colossally bad financial decision, I know that.  So, so bad.  I'll never get another job like this.  

But my coworker's husband was just diagnosed this afternoon with diastolic heart failure, and not much time on Google is showing me that's not good, only 45% survival at five years.  She's shellshocked, of course. 

But this job is likely to kill me in a similar way.  This stress is so hard on me.  It's compounded because I am a correctionist - I'm not a perfectionist, I know things cannot be perfect, but I want things done correctly whenever possible.  And there are millions of things swirling at me all the time, I can't keep up.  I'm tapped out all the time.  

I worry about regrets later, but I've never really regretted leaving before.  

But if I can stay just over one more year longer than that, then I wouldn't have to go back to school.  I was looking at school schedules and they seem to stack classes two days a week which in theory is nice, but the reality is my dog needing to get out.  I mean, she can probably hold it for eight hours but she's only getting older and that's not great, but she's such a jackass that if I just leave her with the dog door available, chances are high she'd just bark all day (I'm on the corner of a very high-pedestrian area).  I've been able to arrange my work now so that Friend only needs to very rarely stop by to let her out. 

I would just love if somebody would give me a big chunk of money and then I could quit, no worries. 

Because also, I don't *really* want to go back to school.  I mean, it's a solution to the problem (this job is killing me), but it's not a passion to return AGAIN.  

I do need to decide within the next few weeks though because of steps to take with application and an early due date.  

Work is so stressful and I really want to take off early today when Dear Friend gets here.  Her job is also so stressful and she's hoping to take off early and get here by 3 or 4 today.  My dog would absolutely let her in the house even if I weren't here, but she prefers I'm here.  She believes me that the dog is a wild, unpredictable beast, even though the dog has been really good with her the past few visits.  

Also, I get to go pick up some flour today from the local mill, locally grown grain.  I just communicated with the mill about pickup.  They have different types of flours which is fun for me - I'm getting one that's apparently easy to grow (it's cheaper) and is old-style, more yellow.  The person at the mill said it's a good one.  I think I'll go on the lunch hour, when hopefully a library book will also be available for me.  

And the mill person responded saying that if I can't make it during their open hours, if I know I'm coming she can leave it out for me on a covered porch.  AND THAT RIGHT THERE is why I buy local!  

**

Dear Friend rolled in Friday afternoon and we've been in the kitchen.  We spent all of Saturday on salsa (it takes hours) and then pickles.  We need to finish the pickles today but first we're going to our favorite bakery.  The dog is so happy she's here, very well-behaved and sweet; they're cuddled together on the couch.  

That day in the kitchen whupped our butts - we're exhausted and sore, and feeling lazy today.  

I'm reading How to Be a Rich Old Lady and i'm so far underwhelmed.  The tone of the author is annoying to me (all her little side jokes which are too many and not very funny).  I'm about 20% in and I haven't learned anything yet.  I know this is written for people earlier in their financial journey than me, so I keep going.  I've been tracking my spending in budget categories since the 1980s, and never have carried a credit card balance (except occasionally years ago when on 0% offers and knew I could pay it off before that ended).  She's talked about maximizing earning potential and I did that by coming to this job, so that's not relevant to me.  Now she's talking about retirement accounts but I already know all this basic information.  I"ll keep going, but hopefully we get to something interesting for me soon, because the jokes have long worn thin.  

And now we've finished the pickles, yay.  She's going to make lentils for dinner, I made cucumber salad.  

We do have an order for tuna on Tuesday morning to pick up to can, so that's exciting.   

Back to thinking about school, it seems like a good idea.  I mean, it's not financially a great plan to quit a high-paying job, but this is who I am - frugal and whimsical.  Why not get another degree when I'm 60 years old?  And yes, I'd love to have a million dollars saved before I retire, but what good will that do if the stress of the job kills me first?  And what if I hate school?  It's possible.  I won't get my job back, I'm certain.  There must be files about how difficult I am to preclude me being rehired.  That's ok.  There are at least two other states I can go to easily - the jobs don't pay as well but they're jobs.  If I have to do that.  And I could sell my house and buy another house for cash elsewhere.  

**

I think that the fundamental question I'm grappling with is: who am I?  As I'm aging, I'm not the strong person I used to be, but what if I stop sitting for work?  My nature is independent but I recognize the value of community and cooperation - when Dear Friend gave me a hand with woodchip hauling, it was faster than half the time; she was overwhelmed with pickle steps and I took over the brine and other tasks, and it was much easier.  I make good money now, but I hate my job, and am I the kind of person who values comfort or freedom?  The older I get, the more I like comfort - a paid off house and a robust retirement account would be amazing - but I am at my core a freedom-seeking rolling stone.   

Long ago I was friends with someone who had a real job and a consulting gig which is how I met her; we became really good friends, even kayaking the Everglades together.  She was so careful with how she stitched together a comfortable life and she was astounded with how reckless I am - how I just jump with no plan.  Even as a woman in my 50s, I often just quit and leave and believe I'll find the means to support myself.  And even in my last job, which paid 25% of what I earn now, i did just fine.  I adjust to the means that I actually have - my house in New Orleans was far from fancy, but it worked well for me.  The friend bought things that she considered investments, like a condo in Florida that was destroyed in a storm, which would set her back.  I'm not trying to be rich, just have enough.  Someday I won't be able to leap to a new gig.  Or will I?  Yesterday Dear Friend and I were at a very good candy shop and one of the women was clearly older, past retirement age.  Can I get a gig like that if needed?  Or something else (preferably not with sugar).  I can't work in a flour mill and throw 60 pound bags around in a dusty environment, but there are other things.  I saw a new hire at my local department store struggle with how to run a cash register, and even on my worst brain fog days I could do that.  

But it's a lot more than that in the analysis.  It's that I want to have the freedom to fight the horrors we're living through, in some way.  

I'm reading Yellow Pine, which is about a woman grappling with similar issues - not wanting to play the games for a paycheck or to perpetuate the destruction of the environment, and fighting back.  I'm barely into it but I can already tell I want to read it while camping so I'm tucking it into that bag.  I do still plan to go camping tomorrow even though the forecast is 86 high, which is too high for me but I can seek shade.  I think there's a path on a river bed which is shadier, and then the next morning when early I can do the more exposed trail.  I do not believe I can do the challenging trail that I really want to do - that will have to wait for another time when I'm in better shape.  I may try it and see how far I can get though.  I also want to stop at a ranger station along the way - I always get really great info at those places, and it's always been closed when I go past since I'm usually traveling on weekends.  I'd best confirm that Friend can watch the dog for me.  I have my packing list going, it seems exhaustive for a one night trip, but a lot of things are the same regardless of length of time - tent, sleeping bag, lantern to have bright enough light for reading.  

I'm the kind of person who wants to bicycle errands, get all books from the library or swapping, buy whole foods in bulk at a locally-owned store with a local distributor.  I want to enjoy my time, not my money.  Money is nice, but even when I have plenty, I live a simple frugal life because that's what I want for myself.  And I want to protest and take action without losing my job.  

I want to live my values, and I'm too exhausted.   

**

Dear Friend just left, very early.  Loading up her car with those heavy boxes of filled jars shows how much we canned, feeling successful.  I need to start moving to prepping for camping - have some shoes to wash, a watermelon to chop up, salad to make, fridge to clean out, car to load up, etc.  The dog is very sleepy, but she's discovered that she very much likes the new couch.  She was on very best behavior the whole five days, which is quite a feat.  

This week off is going far too quickly.   

It's supposed to be hot at camping today and I plan to arrive at the height of heat.  

Packing takes me longer than it should, though I'm also running slow because I'm so exhausted.  I'm also cleaning out the refrigerator, the garden.  I'm only planning to be gone for like 30 hours, but still.  I caught the garbage for some more dumping before they arrived, so that's good.  

And all the food prep.  Get the cucumbers ready, the dip.  Mix up the tuna (using what we canned ... it's ok).  Need to make the zucchini apple salad.  Picked the plums, they're ready to go.  Chop up the watermelon.  taking some things to Friend's when I drop off the dog.  And I am prepping myself for four meals.  

It's not yet 9 am ... I'm dragging hard.  Wish I could nap but I don't seem wired for that.  I'll aim to drop off dog about 10, hit library, load up cooler, hit the road.  I just don't want to get there tooooo early because of the heat.  Can make stops where it's cooler, for lunch and wander and maybe rest.  

OK, time to roll.  

avoidable bad day

 I received no notice that I would be covering something that turned into an awful shit show because I was unprepared.

The thing is, other people shrug and say that's just what happens.  But me?  I'm really good.  I am able to make things happen how they should IF I have sufficient time to prepare.  So a day like this really sucks, and what really pisses me off is that it was completely avoidable.  My office received two weeks notice.  I got an hour, with most of that time traveling and doing something else.  

And I still did a good job, but somebody was being super unreasonable - she bit off her nose to spite her face and that's on her.  It was stupid for her to do that, so I just shrugged.  Not my problem.  

What's really funny is that somebody wholly unexpected was trying to help me by emailing me things.  He'd yesterday described me to someone as "great," which made me laugh, but clearly he means it if he's trying to help me.

Anyway, I'm super upset about this because with my health, I can't just be thrown this kind of shit.  It fucked up my whole day.  I work very very hard to prepare because that is how I am able to survive.  This kind of thing?  Nope.  

And yes, I did make my feelings about this situation known to both the person who did it to me (she loves to "wing it" and didn't really see a problem) and also to our boss.  I think I made a good point without whining too much.   

The other side that I should mention is that during this shit show, someone who was present was trying to provide an assist to me through emails (that I wasn't reading because I was too focused on what was happening) that actually would have provided help if I'd been able to.  That was super kind of him and a rare type of reaching out.   

**

This situation has spun me out.  I do hard things all the time, but this just felt like the straw to break my back.  When I started, things were even worse, and I've gotten into a better space because of how I prepare.  But to know that other people dropping the ball can so directly harm me is too much.  And then my support staff was being incompetent as usual and I just feel really done.   

I woke up this morning remembering my Plan B (getting another masters degree) with modification that Friend from Grad School had raised (doing side contract work in my current field).  And since i've been informed that I'll actually be vested mid-next-year (I'd thought it was the following year), I could feasibly be applying soon to begin school a year from now.  

I'm doing some quick number running and it does seem like it might be feasible.  If I can get a graduate research gig, which is pretty likely, that should cover most of my living expenses.  I'd have health insurance through that gig.  I'd be able to recast my mortgage - I'd still owe like $100K but if I recast the payments will be significantly lower than now.  So even if I don't make much through my side gig, I could still cover costs.  I wouldn't be able to touch my retirement savings at all, and they would continue to grow (until the market crashes hard, which I know is coming).  

And while cost of living here is very high, I know that I can live in this town frugally - done it before and doing it pretty well now (except for housing because of dog).   Especially if I have more free time.  Woman Who Got Grapes volunteers at an organic farm, for instance, and has tons of free produce which she shared with me.  I keep being offered salvaged food to prepare meals to share, which I could also eat.  My food costs are pretty reasonable already but I could reduce even more.  If I need help covering housing, I could get a roommate (or even two).  Obviously that's problematic with dog, and because I'm grumpy and like my own space, but it's possible if necessary.  But I do think that my side gig could be a somewhat lucrative thing.  

And so then I would finish school in 2 3/4 years from now, and the dog is now probably about 12 years old, so she'd be nearing 15, and surely this dog is not immortal, so i would be free to go where I want then.  And maybe I go back to doing something like what I'm doing now, but very likely not.  Maybe I'd decide that my retirement savings and SS/pensions are enough to work part-time or not at all.  

OK, so plan now.  Stay frugal.  Start seriously looking at grad school application and address any issues (such as faculty recommenders ... it's been too long since I've been in school).  Take next week's vacation to really decide if I'm responding emotionally to a bad day and I'll get over it or if this is as unhealthy as I think it is and I need a change.  And if needing a change, start to wrap my head around how I could be quitting in nine months, which is really soon.   

better after 4

Today was such a rough day, starting early and so many things.  Getting yelled at, taking responsibility (which totally took the wind out of those yelling sails - and the person yelling got much nicer to me as the morning progressed).  People make bad choices and errors they shouldn't, that fall on me.  

Just a shitshow.  I hate these early Mondays because I'm riddled with anxiety about the first things.  And it did go sideways, but because of coalition building I've done for three and a half years now, it worked out.  Someone who is very difficult to my colleagues has always trusted me most, and today was no exception.  It's interesting too because I watched the person in power then yelling at one of my colleagues in a worse way.  That colleague is very charming, and it fell flat here.  She has really struggled.  And I've generally fared much better because I'm not charming - I'm rough around the edges, stumble, apologize, move forward.  

But then I got to work from home in the afternoon and things got much better for me, even while feeling really awful.  My primary assistant is no longer overbooked, and she's more on top of things.  She'll never actually be good at her job, but she's less harried, so that's good.  But she's a good sport and means very well, genuinely a good person.  She suggested I just take off the rest of the day, but I kept going and came upon a mandatory IT training I have to do by the end of the year, and it was the best IT training of my life because it said, "Do you know everything about this?  Take a quiz and see."  So I took the quiz and scored 100% and that saved me the 45 minutes of "learning" shit I already know.  HOW BRILLIANT IS THAT.  I wish they did it for the mandatory workplace harassment trainings too because I know all that shit, too.  Though every year I'm baffled by how calling a mixed group of people "you guys" is a microaggression.  Look, I love y'all for this very reason, and I hate gendered language.  I can't remember saying "you guys" in decades.  I hated it even before I embraced the y'all.  But a microaggression?  That seems a stretch.  Shrug.  Doesn't matter, I still would score that correctly on a quiz.  I'm a very very good test taker.  I often test much higher than my actual knowledge and skill.  

And I do actually feel better after a couple of hours lounging on my sofa taking mandatory trainings.  I was just run ragged with the past few days and all that morning anxiety.  

It's all really got me thinking more about quitting in less than two years and going back to school.  Getting out of here as soon as possible.  But then I'd have to hustle for two more years, or longer, and if I could just stay at my job for another seven months longer, I wouldn't have to hustle, I would be financially stable (barring unforeseen dire situation).  I could start my journeys to find home sooner, so I still like that idea better.  My job just suffocates and causes so much anxiety. 

OH, the other good thing today is that it appears my insurance is covering all $3,800 of lab tests.  So, yay.  That's a huge relief.  

I think I might be able to focus on grapes this upcoming weekend.  Pick, clean, heat, juice them, strain them, and then boil that juice down to a thick syrup that I will attempt to use as a sweetener when baking.  I'm excited to see how it works.  I could also use it as a flavoring - like, one of my very favorite dishes is lentils with feta and pomegranate molasses.  I assume grape syrup would be somewhat similar.  It'll definitely be a weekend project, especially since I have to keep cleaning up after myself.  White quartz countertops need to stay white.  I may do the juicing and straining outside.  I can lay down surfaces to pour over but I still have to worry about spillage.  

Someone one a local gardening group posted about ants eaten a rotten pear on the ground for days and being otherwise visible, and I was astounded that every answer was to poison them.  Um, no.  NO.  Ants were here first, they'll be here after us.  I don't allow them in my house in large amounts, but yard is fair play.  Why would I poison pollinators?  The only thing they do that I don't like is farm aphids, and tbh, I just let them do their thing last year (it was bad), and this year the predators came in and it all evened out.  I have picked probably 10 gallons of plums, maybe more; last year I had none and the aphid infestation was awful.  Let them be.  

and if I'm able to do grapes this weekend - we'll see how many I can do - then I could do tuna the next weekend.  Special birthday treat to myself.  The pears are wrapping up - just maybe two more dehydrator loads of them, and none tonight.   

**

When I talk about the travel I want to do after I quit my job, I have some nebulous ideas ("visit many intentional communities and see if there's a fit") but also some very concrete ones.  A few months in Australia (where dear friends are and I want to take public transportation long distances as I watch way too many shows about rural Australia) and New Zealand (though I'd love a pal to go with me to rent a van with - not comfortable driving alone really, though maybe it'll be fine).  A road trip to visit many friends.  Croatia to a chard festival.  Iceland preferably to volunteer with a family and get to know "real Iceland."  Etc. etc.  

And one place that I keep coming back to is Joshua Tree.  I love it there so much.  I moved to not far away because I was so enamored with it, and nearly every time I spent there was magical.  From rock climbing with pals to long weekends learning about scorpions to a weekend once when I planned to camp in the back of my truck and I was miserable so a person in the group offered me to stay with her and it was magical - she had worked hard and saved to build her dream home; it was modest but exactly what she wanted and it was incredible.  And also just all the times I trekked through.  I love it.  And I want to spend extended time there. 

There's another place I'm really drawn to like that near The Wave, by Utah and Arizona.  The colored cliffs are astounding and I want to spend extended time kicking around there.  

There's a rocky area a couple hours from me that I "found" similarly (just by driving through and being astounded and having to pull over to explore), and I just really want to go spend more time there.  I planned to go earlier this year and it didn't work out, but I've kept the dog's bag packed as a go-bag ready.  I'm going to try again on my vacation week - even though Dear Friend is planning to be here for the first half of the week, I'll try to get all my chores done, and see how the weather and air quality is and if it's ok, take off when she leaves and spend a couple of days and nights there.  It gets very hot and smoky but maybe I'll get lucky.  We'll see.  

There are places that I'm drawn to like this and I want to enjoy them.  I don't want to live there - they get far too hot for me.  But I want to connect with them and not have to hurry back to a job and other responsibilities.  that's why I want to just retire and be free.  I've had several periods in my life in which I didn't work for awhile and traveled or did other things, and I always  keep myself very entertained.  No boredom here.   

**

I dreamt last night that I got a chicken, a large soft tan one that was very friendly despite being sold from the back of a truck in a parking lot that was selling eggs which were mostly cracked and taking off before the police arrived.  And I had to set up a pen for it that was sort of a combination of different pens I'd had in the past, keeping it separate from the dog (who really hates chickens' feet), and then worrying about its loneliness and knowing I needed to get it friends one way or another (I get more chickens, which I didn't really want to do, or give the sweet thing away to somebody I trust).

I very rarely remember my dreams but this one is vivid, and I think it goes along with other thoughts I've been having, struggling with animal food production.  The only time it doesn't bother me is when I don't let myself think about it.  But the thoughts sneak in and I just don't think it's right to enslave or kill animals to feed me, and it troubles me.  I eat meat from time to time, usually bits of it in with other things that are more plant forward.  But it's really dairy that I consume quite a lot of.  Milk or half and half for coffee in the morning, cheese on toast for breakfast with lentils or tuna, cheese or sour cream on other meals, and at least a pint of yogurt per week for the dog and me (which I make myself).  I source humanely as I can, with local producers with high ethical standards at least on paper, but ... it just bothers me.  And that sweet chook in my dream is probably a manifestation of those thoughts.  I pay more for the pasture-raised eggs, and I know that when I had chickens, they had a very good life - they had a large front yard with an electric fence to protect them, and the one time a possum snuck in they sounded the alarm and all my neighbors came running to save them.  They regularly flew out of the pen and cruised the neighborhood - which I discovered from people telling me and once coming home early from work to see them strutting about.  Those sneaky birds were flying out once I'd leave for the day and then fly back in before I got home - I'd been letting them go into nearby vacant lots when I could watch them, but they didn't need me.  I fed them well, including a compost bin in the middle of their yard which inevitably provided soldier fly larvae for them, always worried about fresh water and safe and entertaining yard.  They weren't bonded to me - I got them from a moving friend when they were adolescents, and she'd lost so many before she didn't treat them like pets because it bothered her when they died.  

anyway, I'm not getting chickens - last thing I need is more to take care of, and I'm not making that commitment when I'm just looking to move on within a couple of years.  But this is another reason I need to find an intentional community where we can share these responsibilities and benefits, of cleaning the coop and eating the eggs.  I don't feel bad about eating those eggs when I know the chickens are treated well.

But most other animal products I don't feel good about.  I also really don't feel good about owning horses - I was never into horses as a girl, as most people are.  I fully understand that my ancestors needed them as beasts of burden to produce food and travel and all the things, but we don't any more, and I don't feel comfortable about them being kept in stalls and all the things - I read recently a vet talking about how a horse used to teach children to ride had been kicked so hard and often that its ribs were fused together.  The way we treat horses is often inhumane, and I can't romanticize that.  

**

OK, this grape project may be bigger than I expected.  I picked one bucket, which I think is about 2 gallons.  Heated grapes, going through food mill, into bottles, I think that's about 2 quarts.  Once I get more done, I'll put it all through a cloth strainer to get out sediment, so, maybe that woudl be 1.5 quarts/3 pints?  And then boil it down to 25% of its original, so that's like 3/4 of a pint, rounding down to 1 cup?  That's still more than I was expecting.  Plus, I dont' want to spent a ton of energy on this and then just have it be like not something I'll actually use.  

OH no, wait.  That's actually what I was originally thinking about.  I'm looking and there are about 8 more 2 gallon buckets, estimated.  So that's 10 buckets, about 3 pints each = 30 pints, then boiled down and that would be like 15 cups ... no, that's too much.  I was expecting maybe 8 cups worth, most of which would go into 1/2 cup jars.  

anyway, we'll see.  Have a 2nd bucket on the stove now.  This all just takes time, it's already 8 pm and I am hungry for dinner.  

**

OK, I don't need to do more of this grape project than what I've already started.  I think I'll post in a garden group to see if somebody wants to trade the rest of the grapes for something else.  Maybe eggs, we'll see what's offered, if anyone is interested.  And I've set up the jelly bag in the sink and hope to let these drip this morning while I work from home and check in once an hour or so.  We'll see how this works.  The bag stopped up pretty quick, must be a lot of sediment.  Maybe next year I'll make jelly - I didn't like the texture of it last time but I can try again.  OR if there's no taker for the rest of the grapes maybe I"ll do it this weekend.  It just takes a lot of time, all the cleaning and processing, and there are other things I'd like to do with my time.  Like cleaning, I guess.  

The stock market is at a dizzying high, and it sometimes tempts me because it seems I can meet my goal earlier than expected.  Maybe I could even retire before I turn 60 (like, weeks before) ... but then I buckle down and run numbers, and there are such significant financial advantages to waiting half a year longer.  In terms of taxes for paying out vacation leave, and insurance, and some other things.   So, I have February 2, 2029, in my head.  Can I last that much longer?  That is the question.  the thing is that I absolutely have to last until at minimum April 21, 2028, for a significant financial advantage (possibly longer, I need to confirm that date).  So to go another 9 months for an even more significant advantage and to then feel secure financially for retirement ... yeah.  It's between surviving the stress of now and potentially being stressed later about money when I don't have earning potential.  I know that the stock market will crash, and I have to be comfortable with only having half or less of the savings when that happens.  

**

OK, this grape thing is too much.  12 hours straining and only through like two quarts, and it won't fit into my fridge.  I've just dumped the bag and rinsed it to try again, but too be fair there is a lot of sediment so I get it.  I've only stained my countertop once, look at me so careful, and baking soda right away to the rescue.

I had an experience at work today that makes me remember again why I don't feel at home here.  I was at a work thing, and there were other people there whom I see occasionally but our work isn't directly related and I keep some boundaries because i try to stay in my own lane.  For months I've seen them occasionally but we've never been in a conversation.  But today, I reached out to one - we have an issue in common even though peripherally, and I was tired of him misunderstanding things from our go-between who is his direct connection.  The go-between has worked super hard to cultivate that relationship and I was trying to honor that for him, and I can be a little bull in the china shop, I know.  

But the thing is, I'm actually good at building relationships ESPECIALLY with people who dont' look like me.  (I"m very white.  LIke, 70% Irish, 30% German white.)  Recently I was recognized for my effective respectful work wtih some tribes - and that was by my boss and a tribal designee.  Am I indigenous?  No.  Do I have friends who are? Yeah.  Have I lived and worked with indigenous communities?  Yes, absolutely.  (That's what my boss keeps forgetting.)  And no, everybody did not love me.  And that's ok.  I still do a good job.

And today, the people peripherally related to my work through three different connections - once we started talking it was about 37 seconds before I code switched.  First what happens is my body relaxes and my speech adjusts pretty drastically.  I could see on their faces that I'm not the uptight white person I look like.  And these are Black people who are very used to living in a white world, so they weren't mad about me or anything, they just didn't know that I was like that.  I watched their defenses come down, too, and we joked around.  I did have to watch my blaccent to not be offensive, but it's mostly just a southern extension of vowels so I think I can be nonoffensive.  

And no, it wouldn't have been as effective for me to make these connections many months ago.  I would have been trying too hard.  they had to recognize me, know I'm there to do a job, and THEN connect.  And then they started telling me things super helpful for my job and see here's the thing - PEOPLE TALK.  People always want to talk, all I have to do is be open for them to talk and they tell me so many things nobody else knows.   

I think - well, I think they didn't think anything about me.  But if they did, they thought maybe I was stuck up, thought I was too good for them.  Nah, we're just in different worlds.  But now?  We cool.  well, the women.  The man - I saw him smile at me the first relaxed look I've ever seen on him before, so maybe him too but he's still watching to see if I'm for real.  

Yes sir, I'm for real.  

Anyway, that made our stupid afternoon requirement worthwhile.  and also was a solid reminder of how much happier and more comfortable I am when not surrounded exclusively by white people.  Which of course I know, but reminders help.  

 Today was also my "cheat" day and I'm still eating on the cheesecake.

I see that my zucchini are getting bad powdery mildew and I stopped watering them so it's not that, I think ti's just because it's cooling off.  It's weird, it might even rain next week and be in the 60s.  That's unusual this early in the year.  I'll need to get all my tools etc. under cover this weekend.  

Also, I'm aggravated but I think I just forced myself to work on my vacation.  I ask for four days off and it's just been a hassle on every front with keeping those clear, and I finally just stopped fighting.  Two emergencies may come up and I guess I'll just deal with them.  I do still really really really want to wake up on my birthday camping by a really cool bit of nature - if the weather and air quality obliges.  I don't even need a long trip - it's like three hours driving each direction and cheap overnight for tent camping.  I can hike when I arrive, sleep, coffee, hike again, come home.  Maybe I don't do the hard trails, but just ... I just really want to go mid-week.  So, we'll see what happens.  

OK, most of the remaining grape juice is now in metal sieves in the fridge, not leaving it out overnight.  I have one quart strained and about 2.5 quarts to go which may end up as another quart, so then I need to strain them again, and THEN I will cook them for hours to reduce them to syrup.  I cannot believe how much work I am putting into this.  In the future if I really want to do something with the grapes, i'm getting a juicer that strains without all these steps.  

**

OK, juice is sieving, starter is fed.  Sure hope the person comes this morning like planned to get all the grapes.  I think I'll wander out first thing to return cans for deposits and then swing by the supermarket for a couple of things (corn for a Mexican zucchini lasagna I'm thinking up, and the cheese I like that's on sale).  

I'm thinking about garlic planting - this year I harvested it late because I didn't read the messaging right on it; I'd planted it early.  Our season for planting is like September-November; the first year I grew it, I planted it at the end of September, when it was already pretty much sold out from everywhere (and can I just say - seed garlic is wicked expensive!) and harvested 7/7, and that was a good time.  Last year I planted earlier and when I harvested 6/14 it was problematic (bulbs bulging and such).  Wait ... I only planted it 10 days earlier, that's weird.  OK, I think this is just a call to pay closer attention and learn better about when to harvest.  Some of the garlic I've been using has brown spits - mites?  Not sure.  Not liking it.  

My favorite seed place finally opened up in-person pickup, which I'm really excited about.  I have many of their seeds that I can get from the main garden store, but a couple of things aren't stocked there.  I might get some shallots from them, or I might try growing again what I harvested (which really didn't grow well at all).  I think I got a load of soil with some growth retardant because things have NOT been doing well in the soil I got last year, which I put in various spots in my yard.   It'll be 70 miles round trip to them, which is like 3.5 gallons of gas, so about $15 of gas.  Which is more expensive than just paying for damn shipping.  But, it's the adventure of it - I like to see places.  And they're pretty special, growing open pollinated seed and sharing with community groups.  I know that I need to get back into seed saving better, expand my skills, but that's not a drive right now.  I also don't need to grow so much probably - I am giving away so much food, took another box to work yesterday to share.  But, it's fun to try things and see what thrives and eat accordingly.  Also, is there any pleasure greater than thinking "I want something sweet" and then just wandering outside to grab a handful of raspberries or plums?  I think not. 

**

so glad I posted the grapes on FB - the person who came was great, brought me a bounty of goodness (chard, green onions, cilantro, green beans) and cleared most of the grapes and offered to let me use her steam juicer to try, and I gave her yogurt and sourdough starters and encouraged her fermentation journey.  What a win for us both today. 

 I'll probably make blitva, my favorite (garlicky chard with potatoes), and roast the green beans with tofu.  Cilantro and green onions will be great in the Mexican zucchini lasagna I plan to make this weekend.  What a wonderful trade.  I want to do more of this.  

Ugh, every time work crosses my mind I get wracked with anxiety.  It's too much. 

I borrowed Friend's weed whacker and I need to hit the street (weeds grow in spaces in the road - it's very annoying).  Need to trim back berry bushes more, fill the green bin and take it to the street.  Zucchini pancakes are cooking now, I'll wait to finish that.  But do need to enjoy this cooler weather (below 80).  When back in I should start boiling the grape juice, clean house.  I am almost finished with the book about heat and climate change, can return that tomorrow on the way to dog walk, and hopefully return weed whacker then, too.  Bake bread tomorrow and hopefully have drive to do more outside house cleaning. 

OK, I don't think I'll get this grape juice down to a molasses but I could get it to more like a syrup.  Hopefully.  I ended up with 2 1/4 quarts of juice which I'll try to boil down to about a quart, and then water bath like jelly.  and if I like using this throughout the year, I'm for sure buying a juice steamer.  My old school method is the pits.  The person messaged and she's getting like 4 quarts for every 2.5 gallons of grapes, so that's like 16 quarts of juice for her, and it would be 14 quarts for me from what I picked but I don't have a fancy setup so I got much less.  It's tasty though.  I'm 100% getting a steam juicer.  I never drink juice, but maybe sometimes wouldn't be so bad, especially if I see it as a dessert.  

OK, got much of my list done today.  Did the street whacking and finished book so I can return both of those tomorrow.  Have the bread started and will do stretch & folds a few more times.  Need to start prepping the last of the pears for the dehydrator.  Grape Trade Person said that she has dehydrated zucchini before and uses it for soups and such, so I do think I'll give it a go.  I've got such great zucchini this year.   

**

Yay for Sunday mornings.  Someday I won't have to rush out to drive my dog to a peaceful walk, but it's ok for now.  Got the bread shaped up to bake once home, got my errands lined up (library to return overdue book The Heat will Kill You First, Friend's house to return weedwhacker).  Got my to-do-list made (cleaning, cooking, gardening - the usual).  

 I keep looking at the park's information about weather forecast for when I want to camp and it's looking good so far.  I think my biggest concern is being exhausted from having Dear Friend here visiting the days before that, so I'm going to have to be even more selfish than usual and prioritize myself.  I have a lot of chores to do that week off - I've been looking forward to it for months.  And then I'll hopefully go camping and come back to really only a weekend off to myself, which is not enough.  PLus I may have to work the Sunday before coming back to work because of all the expected emergencies while I'm out.  I"m trying to take off just four days and all this drama, this is absolutely ridiculous and unsustainable.  I cannot wait to quit.  

The pears are dehydrating - I'll check them after the walk.  Once they're done I'll wash the trays again and have them ready to go for some zucchini.  I think I"ll be glad to have that, though it would be nice to have it dehydrated enough to be shelf stable.  I don't really trust dehydrating enough (or myself to gauge it) and so I keep dehydrated foods in the freezer - which also increases shelf life.  But, it also takes up a heap of room in the freezer that I would like to reclaim.  

One of the books I have out from the library, and the next one I need to read because it will be due soon and is not renewable because somebody else has requested it, is about square foot gardening.  I hope to get some new ideas and maybe revamp my garden space to maximize productivity while minimizing space.  I thought I knew where I wanted to plant my garlic, but I'm second-guessing that because those beds have  not done well and I'm not sure why - poor soil, poor sunlight quality?  I have not figured it out.  I may just go ahead and amend the fuck out of the soil and hope for the best, because my other option is beds where I had it two years ago and I would prefer a three-year rotation.   I will be sad if my garlic doesn't grow well - this is one of those crops that I definitely always want to grow when possible because it's so much better than grocery store garlic.  

OK, some chores done, more to go. My nearby local convenience store has a great deal on a 5 gallon Igloo water cooler and I don't know why but I am super fond of those and am sure I could use it someday.  Maybe on long-distance travel I could just dump bags of ice in it as I go to keep some chilled water for me.  sure do like chilled water from a cooler.  I like the old school nature of it, how we'd gather round it and we wouldn't all be carryign our own water bottles so much.  

I finally reached out to my organization's HR to give me the exact date of when I qualify for the financial incentive that comes after being there for about five years.  I thought it was at exactly the five year anniversary but th emore I read the more confused I get, so hopefully I'll get a clear answer.  I don't think I would consider leaving then if the dog is still alive, and based on the zoomies we went through this morning, she's not planning kicking the bucket anytime soon.  But I'd just like to know my Freedom Day with certainty.  

I picked up a bedframe from Friend - I'd bought it when I was staying there, and she'd just upgraded and replaced it.  I'm afraid it's too high for the dog.  I could build a ramp but I will probably just put the mattress on the floor and store the bedframe (it folds up nicely).  POor doggo is struggling more.  The other week she couldn't even get back up into the truck after the walk and I had to lift her, and she's over 50 pounds so that's not something I want to do all the time.  She sleeps a lot, more than she used to, but she still acts like a puppy a lot of the time, and I will never let me go into the backyard without her escort.  Last night i was taking out compost late, in the dark, having a hard time getting the lid back on, and when I finally did and turned around, she was sitting direclty behind me.  She would have lunged at any problem I have, that's my dog.  

**

Well, that wasn't a painful Monday, but I have to go to such extremes to get there.  I start winding down about 3 pm on Sunday, and it takes that long to be able to sleep well, and face the day on the right foot.  That sucks, because that really means that I only get a day and a half off each week, before I have to start preparing myself to return to the grind.  but I've tried other iterations and it often leads to me being stressed out and sleepless.  

**

Whoa, I just confirmed with HR that I had miscalculated by almost a year.  I'm actually eligible to leave in eight months.  I wouldn't be able to receive financial benefit until 65, but I'd be eligible for it at that point even if I leave.  That is ... wow.  I feel lighter.  

The key determination of when I leave is the dog.  I won't give up this house so long as I have her - she loves the yard and I promised her no more moves.  And I can't travel so long as I have her, so what's the point of being free of this job until she is no more.  

The date of when I expect to be able to leave and not need to get another job later is two years, five months, one day.  If I can just stay that long and not have an expensive crisis, I would be pretty set.  House paid off, retirement account I think coudl sustain me in conjunction with pensions such as social security.  I just don't know if I can last that long.  Yesterday I got into a fight with someone - I think he was being stupid, he thought I was being insulting.  His timing was late and his questions were speculative, so I was confused.  He always wants to be squishy, hard to pin down, and I do not do well with that.  He's a very pleasant person and likable, and he's been doing this job for decades, but he doesn't get a free pass from me when he's trying to interfere while pretending to be likable.  Just do what you need to, but give me a heads up.  there's another person, a young gun, that most people really dislike, but I do great with because he's also concrete.  Tell me what the issue is and I'll address it, but if you say it's fine to only after the fact complain, I don't have energy for that.  

Anyway, I cashed out some vacation time and it is showing in this paycheck and that is very cool to get that big boost.  I like making money and saving it.  Dear Friend is definitely coming down this weekend and I just have to be firm about my spending boundaries.  Hopefully we'll cook at home instead of going out except for one or two special treats.  i checked in with her last night and she's excited to do a lot of canning and such - she really wants to do pickles - but she's also drained like me so hopefully we'll rest a lot.  Though I do have my chores to get done.   

OK, it's Tuesday, and it's September.  I have a lot to do with work before my vacation, need to buckle down.  I'm also covering for a bunch of people which takes a toll on me, but it is what it is.  If next year at this time I were to find a job that was less demanding, I could contemplate taking it (while knowing I'd need to stay longer, as I'll never make as much money again as I am now, not by a longshot).  That gives me a measure of comfort.