attitude shifts

 I'm shifting attitudes, as I do.

I've got some urinary tract issue.  I contacted my new doctor and he sent me to a UA and culture.  Leukocytes erithrase again elevated, more than before, but culture negative.  That's sterile pyuria, if you care.  His assistant told me to go see my gynecologist, which really pissed me off.  If I needed to see a gynecologist, then that should have been said three days prior when I said this is a problem.  Why doesn't my doctor do any kind of exams?  I didn't come unglued but expressed my displeasure and said I'd see my prior PCP.  He left a voicemail that I just need estrogen and he can prescribe that.  Dude, what?

Look, I get that I am not a doctor.  I get that I'm in menopause.  But I can read valid medical sites about how lots of different things can cause sterile pyuria, and assuming menopause is the problem without ruling other things out is problematic.  He seems to pathologize being an older woman, he's done that about other things too.  I'm not interested in that.

So I went to my old PCP.  A triage nurse called me right back; she asked really good questions (yes, I do have kidney pain, thanks) and I got in for an exam the next day.  They didn't throw me straight up in the stirrups, we talked through different possibilities.  I've got an ultrasound (the fibroids could be back?), a urology consult, and did a self-swab to rule out BV which I've had before and it's not fun for me.  Both the PA and her assistant heard my concerns and wished me well.  

Look, maybe I do need hormonal replacement.  I doubt it, because menopause hasn't been problematic really.  But maybe.  If that's what I need then I need it.  But feeling constant pressure on my bladder, that doesn't seem the first step.  I hadn't even thought of consulting with a urologist - of course that's a good idea.  

Anyway, my attitude is shifting back to preferring my old PCP.  It's way more convenient for sure - I biked right over and their lab is on site and I've always been able to get in next day for urgent issues.  I'm still annoyed that I only have a primary provider as a nurse straight from school and not a doctor with experience, but the PA today had some good thoughts.  I think I'm back.

And yes, I'm annoyed about the $2100 I paid for this "concierge" doctor who apparently doesn't even do exams.  But i had to try it and see for sure that he couldn't be helpful with identifying my health issues.  He's not.  Moving back to free to me because I do have good insurance.

My other attitude shift is towards my co-workers.  One in particular just ignored me for the first like eight months I worked there.  I gave her the benefit of the doubt - she was pregnant, she hadn't been there long, she's kind of shy, etc.  And I thought we were doing ok, but the other day I saw something and told her I have the answer if she can just email to remind me to send it to her.  Instead of that, she went to her friend who is a manager above us, and asked her; and she'd been weird to me when I'd flagged the issue.  The manager said I'm the only one who knows and she cc'd me on the request.  And I sent the information.  And she didn't thank me.  So that's rude at like three different points, so I'm done giving her the benefit of the doubt.  If she had just said thank you, I would have let the other rude dismissiveness go, but no.  She has led the mean girls club that has made my job really unpleasant (in part- there are other things as well) and I'm just done continuing to be the nice one.  

And also - fuck them for excluding me and making things so much harder for me the whole time I've been here, but now I don't really actually need them.  So I'm not offering any more help.  

But also - they don't own this job.  Am I quitting the job because they make it so stressful?  That's only a small part, honestly.  But I'm not going ot allow that into the equation at all anymore.  Their pettiness doesn't get to negatively impact my finances.  Fuck that.  

though, one common cause of my symptoms in interstitial cystitis, which is worsened by stress through inflammation.  and that's a huge problem for me.  so I have to learn to let alllll the stress go.  From the mean girls in my office to the nature of my job.  I need to do what's best for me.  

my boss asked several of us to cover a project and I am not volunteering.  We got only like four business days notice, and it's on a day where I have a lot of stressful things going on.  It will fuck me up to have more stress.  I'm pushing back.  I don't care that it's because of other people's problems - I'm not the cause of the problems if I refuse to get stressed out because of other people not doing their work.  If they had given me enough notice, it would probably have been ok, but not like this.  No. 

I get to be selfish.  And I'm going to be.  I mean, I'm a pretty selfish person - it's why I like to be alone, so I don't have to put other people's wants first or have to compromise.  But I'm next leveling my selfishness.