hives

 I've been breaking out in itchy rashes of late which is quite unpleasant.  No known reason but I can't help but think it's stress around the issue of leaving.

I know that I can't stay here - between the insurance rate hikes and utilities tyranny and climate change and violent crime and current lack of close friends who show up, it's not the place for me.  My Oregon friends are very ready for me to go there, and much of me is ready.  But when I applied for a job that I would really like (at least on paper) and would challenge me, I started to run numbers.  I would have to make so much money to live a similar life in Oregon. Housing is SO expensive and even if I make good money I would always worry about what if I lose my job and have to somehow pay $3,000/month mortgage.  That's so much money.  Currently my mortgage is about $1,100 and $600 of that was paid by tenant.  If I can't sell my house and end up staying I'll spruce up the apartment for maybe $5,000 (new cabinets in little kitchen, paint) and pay even more, and I have a guest suite in my house.  So when I have both occupied, it covers mortgage and part of utilities.  THAT is a situation that makes me comfortable in case of unemployment.  

I ran numbers and even in the job I have now that doesn't pay great and is toxic but also not demanding upon my time, I could comfortably retire in six years.  If I got a roommate again, I could also have the mortgage paid off then.  I'd have sufficient retirement savings and a tiered retirement of pension and social security at different ages.  But that's to afford living here.  I would not be able to retire to Oregon and afford housing there.  And I don't particularly want to live in Oregon except for my friends.  Who are older than me and I will likely need to show up for. 

It's a lot to think about.  

I love my backyard garden and eat so much from it.  Healthy and cheap.  I have such a nice little nest set up here.  Until a hurricane comes and wipes it all away.  I do worry that if I don't get out now that I won't be able to later (recession, housing prices falling, insurance rate spiking, storms, etc.)

Sigh. 

a moment to grieve

 My tenant moved out today.  

And there is work to be done - wall repair and painting mostly.  Some mildew and staining to address.  Im of course very overwhelmed with what I already have to do with my own space so this isn't the best of news.  It looked so much nicer when she occupied it - she's quite stylish and had a ton of plants.  It was lovely. 

And Ziggy won't enter, she's so upset.  When she saw the moving she freaked out and they had quiet snuggle time together yesterday to say goodbye. 

We're grieving.  This is the end of an era.  She lived here over five years and we were very used to her.  She was an adult and took care of things, and she was kind and positive.  Ziggy adored her and her best days were when she got to hang out all day with the tenant as she worked from home (in her very little studio apartment). 

It makes me sad to see her go, and I understand completely why she did as soon as I told her that the house is going on the market.  Her parents came to town to visit and got to work helping her move, and her mom said my house looks so good it should sell right away.  

It's raining which is wonderful - we've been so dry for so long (over a month).  My realtor called to see if I need any help, but I think I've got it under control. 

OK, back to it.  Scrubbing floors and baseboards and all those good things.  

 

push

 I'm on a push to fix the things the workers broke over the past year and a half, and yesterday was a little complicated electrical box that the electricians wouldn't fix.  Done.  And outlets covered.  Just need to replace a light (I think they broke the shade for it and exposed light bulbs don't look so great).  

I'm also on a push with job applications and did three yesterday.  These are serious mid-career jobs with good pay and each of them would be interesting and challenging to me and I am qualified.  If I do not advance with any of them, then I definitely need to track down a good career counselor to help me out with modernizing my resume and whatever else I need to do. Doing good cover letters and such takes a lot from me.  I've noticed that the pool of jobs is shrinking, perhaps with recession expectations?  I am nervous about that.  The plan is to keep pushing on job search while also pushing on house sale.  If I sell house before getting a job, I can go. If I get a good-paying job before I sell house, I can go (and that's so much easier than wrangling the hound and keeping house clean for showings) and know that I may not get what I want for the house but it'll be ok because I'll be moving on with a good job.  And if neither happens within the next few months then I may be stuck here for awhile and that's not the end of the world since my house is finally nice-ish.  My tenant even said that if that happens she knows people who would want to rent the apartment, which makes things easy.  (She's moving out now.)  I'll get another raise soon and I'm at a more comfortable pay level than last year, and we're entering the season of holidays.  And the two most difficult people have been relying on me again.  So long as they think I'm valuable to them, I'm ok.  We're all sort of reeling from all the firings and quittings of late, but we're all there for the paycheck and insurance.  The flexibility that it provides me is unlike anything else I've experienced (I was long a teacher and I couldn't even go to the bathroom all day, much less be late to work).  I left early Thursday and was a little late Friday so that I could make dump runs, and Friday afternoon everyone seemed to disappear towards the end of the day (at exactly the time we close, I was the last vehicle in the lot which is a bit concerning, but a nice coworker waited in his Jeep for me to get out safely).  Rather than leaving like others, I worked on job search for an hour at my desk.  It seemed naughty but having that time was really helpful for me. 

Today is deep cleaning day for the house and it's a little overwhelming because it's so messy.  I've just been throwing things any which way while I've been focused on repairs and outside and now I have to buckle down. I have to drop off recycling and donations so I think I'll swing by a bakery to fuel me today.  If I can scrub down my house today and complete that, then tomorrow I can focus on yards, and I'll be almost ready for house sale photos.   

My dog is sulking.  She'll get over it.   

OK, time to begin.

worse off

I did a comparison of my financial statement of today and when I started the job 14 months ago.

My net worth has decreased.  It's upsetting because I live frugally - almost half of my salary goes straight to retirement, I'm living on about $2,000 per month (everything except house repairs in that total) so there is not much room for luxury in my budget.  I have done so much of the house repairs myself (including an early morning dump run I need to head out on soon before work) and gone with inexpensive options when at all possible.  Even still, I've spent so much of my savings on house repairs and most of that was hurricane repairs (not all of it; I did have a shower retiled, got new kitchen counter, etc. - but all of those choices were also budget), and I dont know that the insurance company will pay any more.  

And I know that the stock market has tanked which reduces my retirement savings, and the house value I include in the analysis is only an estimate until it actually sells, but I've worked so hard the last 14 months and to see a 10% DROP in my net worth at my age is really disheartening.

Yesterday I applied for a job that would be great.  I could live with my friend, and the job requires travel so we wouldn't be on top of each other all the time, and she and the dog could enjoy each other's company.  It pays well and is doing things I'm good at.  I can't seem to break in with the government there and I'm unsure why; I hope this time is different.  

My friend is selling her house, and everything was great - until the buyer left the deal during inspection period and now she's starting again.  Her hopes were up and so were mine, honestly, because our houses have a lot of similarities.  I thought we caught the tail wind of the housing market surge, but now I'm afraid again that it passed us by. I'll have a better idea of how this will go after open house soon, but it's a little nervewracking, and the realtor isnt helping.  How low will I go?  When I don't have a job to go to, probably not that low.  I may have to take a leap of faith at some point, but looking at the decrease in my net worth wasn't inspiring.  And what if nobody is interested at all?  When I bought the house it had been on the market a really long time (like six months, but even longer because he kept putting it on the market).  And yes, I've made it look nicer, but it's still quirky.  Floors aren't level, which will make a lot of people nervous, that sort of thing.  Small kitchen and crooked tile floors and my low expense improvements (I painted the cabinets instead of replacing them, went with a cheap countertop, that kind of thing).  Expenses added up for the little things like new doorknobs and vent covers and outlets and light switches and all of that - things that make it look so much cleaner to me, but maybe they can't see past hte crooked floors.  I don't know.  And part of me is ok with staying longer here, but despite some not insignificant raises I just keep going in the hole financially and that's really bad for a woman in her mid-50s. 

OK, time for a dump run and then work and then more prepping the house.  I'm weary but I'm not done. 

flare-up

 I'm experiencing a lot of pain right now.  It came on all of a sudden and it's got me full on crying.  

I don't know the cause, but I did breathe a lot of dust while hauling mulch because I was too lazy to go find a good mask.  Maybe that caused inflammation?  And somehow I fucked up my hip flexor so I can't really walk until it locks into place, so every time I stand up I have to grab onto things.  I was up all night crying out because I couldn't sleep for the pain.  I dragged myself into work and lasted an hour then went to my supervisor.  She offered me tramadol and told me to go home. 

And I slept and watched TV, and I doubt I'll go in to work tomorrow.  This is the worst pain I've ever had from my general chronic pain and I'm a mess.  

My lungs and sinuses aren't the same since COVID and I cough way more than normal.  

***

What a difference a night of sleep makes.  I'm still moving slowly and weakly, but the pain has mostly subsided.  Yay. Still taking the day off to avoid work stress pushing another flare-up.

I'll stick around and move slowly.  Going to do some cooking, which I haven't done in a minute because I've been so busy.  Friend just invited me over for dinner so I'll make cornbread upon her request.  She's making Brunswick stew which I've never had before, and I like that I'm in my mid-50s and still have so many new things to experience.  It will be a nice social gathering I'm sure.  I try to do at least one social thing each weekend, to keep some balance.  So grateful this flare-up is subsiding and I can move on with life.  This was a scary one.

the purge

 I'm trying to hold onto things until my house is under contract because I'm not entirely certain I'll be able to sell the house for what I want (and besides, now that I've FINALLY got it finished and looking nice, I'm liking it a whole lot more).  While I'm driven to purge now, I don't want to get rid of things that I need in a few months if I'm still here.  I suppose some people would think I'm a hoarder, but I reuse those things repeatedly that I hang onto.

But not everything.  And that's the sweet spot right now.  Now that workers are FINALLY done after a year and a half of strangers in my space, I can really start putting things away.  I can see things that I had to just quickly throw in the back and deal more appropriately with them.  Like a door frame.  Lord I looked far and wide for a door with casing to replace a rotted out door - it was an interior door used in an exterior space, so of course it fell apart.  But it was really hard to find a door to fit and it wasn't cheap, and then the guys who installed it didn't even use the casing.  They also overcharged and weren't excellent, so lesson learned that the only person I trust with things like this is my neighbor (it's when I was first back and trying to respect his boundaries - which I now trample all over shamelessly).  So I have this door frame/casing tucked in the back of storage that I know I don't need, and I have a place to take it (building materials resale confirmed they'll take it), and I can take old paint with it, too. Or some drawers that my tenant friend left.  I'm not crazy about drawers in a garage, honestly.  Too many spiders and such.  I haven't used them in the year and a half I've been back, so I'll dig them out from all the things I tossed on top of them and give them away to people who will use them.  A clothing rack I tossed back there, which I used to hang my clothes on because the house is short of closet space, but recently I got some Ikea wardrobes so I can give it away.  A dozen plastic sparkling water bottles from Trader Joe's that I saved for hurricane (freeze them with water in case of another long power outage), those can get recycled.  A falling apart shelf can get dismantled and taken to the dump.  An old lawnmower I don't use anymore and can't because the grass is now too tough and weedy, I can sell that.  Ladders that workers left behind can get sold.

And so on.

It's actually kind of fun, until it gets overwhelming.  I would like to clear a lot of space in house and garages for photos (in less than two weeks!) and showing, and some of it is just a matter of organizing but some of it is a matter of tossing.  I've been hanging onto a few jars of food that I canned that I'm rather meh about, things that I don't want to eat really but I knew I would if I were hungry enough.  I'm throwing that food away and cleaning the jars and putting the jars in the storage where I have so many jars which I am definitely not getting rid of yet. I use jars so much, they are highly treasured.  But I can tuck them into invisible places as I'm not using them now.  Well, that's not entirely true - I'm eagerly awaiting my hibiscus to keep blooming and then want to harvest and make rosella jam - something I've somehow never eaten but is very popular in Australia.  I've used them before for teas and such, but if I'm honest i just dont much care for tea.  Jam, though?  On it.  I'm sorting through all the food I've canned for what I can eat before I leave, what I'll take (pickled okra and loquat jam) and what I will give away (the pickled jalapenos are nice but not worth schlepping probably, and I can eat only so many).  

Selling things of some value will be a bit more complicated.  I might do a garage sale, but I have usually used the internet more.  There have been some high profile Facebook Marketplace murders that make me nervous, and there's just security issues with having people come to my home in a place like New Orleans (as opposed to the last few places I've purged, where it felt much safer).  My godson will be here for Thanksgiving week and I may utilize that time for such things if I'm under contract then, and I have at least one friend who can probably help out though she's not at all menacing.  A friend from Missouri said he'd come down to help with such things, though it feels a lot to ask of him, but he is a rather large man to act as a deterrent (and his daughter lives here so he visits frequently).  

This just makes me realize again how lonely New Orleans has become for me, that I don't have a lot of people I can ask to give me a hand with such things.  So many friends have moved away, others I've drifted away from.  COVID surges certainly haven't helped.  And it hasn't helped that the two people I was closest with at work have just left.  I'm lonely everywhere now, but it's mostly my own doing.  I do have people I can ask to help, I just hate asking.  

My neighbor came over to look at my attic and while he said he can install the bathroom venting to outside no problem, he was pretty concerned about the amount of debris up there regarding re-insulating.  So I think once everything else is done and photos are done and house is on market, I'll spend time trying to clean it up enough to at least replace the wrong insulation (this is the legacy of poor workers who replaced the ceiling; we'd pulled out all the insulation that got wet with Hurricane Ida damage and they were supposed to replace it but they didn't clear debris AND they put the wrong size in so there's gaps - it should be 24", not 16"; honestly I haven't seen a difference in electrical usage for not being insulated properly, and it's been dipping lately down to 40s at night and I haven't turned on my heat, so I don't think it's that big of a deal but it is for selling the house).  This is the kind of project I can't spend a whole day on, only an hour or so at a time.  I lack flexibility and strength, honestly.  But if I tackle it head-on, I could probably do it in a couple of weeks, which might be enough time if I don't get immediate offers with quick inspection - or even if I do.  

First though, I absolutely must finish the mulching project and get rid of the leftover mulch.  Somebody said she'd take it all but she's gone a little MIA and I haven't pushed since I'm not actually done yet.  Maybe two more after work days?  It's gotten cold enough that it's not an entirely pleasant prospect, but I need to get it done.   And then I need to organize the garages and tend to the backyard.  I think that's just a couple hours, the backyard - a mow and a weedwhack and moving some things around, putting some plants into the beds, and I think it'll look good enough.  I already did most of the heavy lifting back there, need to return my friend's wheelbarrow.  I need to remove broken screens and clean windows, fix up blinds like with putting on tassles (my friend's cat removed them I guess?).  

I woke up early this morning, as I was able to fall asleep much more easily with the chill in the air, and I've squandered that time here with blogging, but it helps to organize my thoughts and actions.  Now that it's light I should put on clothes and go do a few things before off to work.  Work is not feeling stable at all, what with people leaving like crazy.  I'm also getting completely frozen out of everything, which on the one hand is great because I get left out of the drama, but on the other hand is not because it could mean I'm the next target for firing.  Actually the four people I liked most have left or been fired, and it's lonely and boring and sucks.  I really need to leave before I'm fired.  Oh, I did find a job in the town where I'm going that would be perfect - it pays well and requires some travel which is possible if I live with my friend.  I have a friend who does career counseling type things and I may ask to hire her to review my resume and cover letter.  I've never had somebody do that and I think I could use some help since I'm not getting the hiring offers I used to.  

OK, it's going to be a good day. Even if my dog is already upset with me because she doesn't get a walk. 

cozy

 It's finally chilled down here, though I dont' understand why high temps went from 80s to low 60s.  WHAT ABOUT THE 70s??  that's my sweet spot for a lot of things.

And so I got out the winter gear and I'm curled up under a comforter and I am so happy.  Content.  I love a chill in the air, while I am tucked in warm and cozy as the wind wails outside.  I especially love it because the sound that used to rip through my front wall is no longer there - no more screaming.  What a tremendous relief.

Just in time to leave?  

Sigh. 

moving through the lists

 i worked hard this week, working through lunch and staying late.  I never do that, and my reward?  A pain flare-up.  So I'm taking off tomorrow, to paint my front door and various such things.  

This has me worried about my next job. If I live with my friend, I can work long days because I don't have to worry about the dog or other things.  But I can't live there forever, and the jobs in that town don't pay great.  So, not sure what I'll do.

It'll work out.  It always does.

***

I did take the day off and what a productive day it's been.  Front door is drying.  I finished most touchups, including around a lightswitch and hallway trim and around an AC return. These little things all take less than half an hour but there's all the other pieces to it like getting the supplies and cleaning up that make it all so time consuming.  I have one more paint job - the kitchen cupboard touchups.  I painted these last summer and theyre doing pretty well but there's some spots to hit.  But I'm also waiting for somebody and that always throws me off my game.  I even got the front door locks changed finally.  I'm only painting the front door because the realtor told me to, and I'm using up leftover paint so it's not the dramatic statement I'd imagined originally.  Just the same shade as my siding, but it looks pretty good.  The painter said he'd do it for me for cheap, but that wouldn't have addressed the issues like needing to wait between coats and all that.  I did it better than he would have, honestly, because I prep.  And now it's done - mostly.  I'll probably need to hit spots when I look again, but at least I'll do that with it closed.  Dealing with an open front door and a crazy dog has been a challenge.  She's tired of me yelling at her so she put herself in a time out in the guest room.  She woke up in SUCH a good mood and that's exhausting frankly.  Her gotcha day is Sunday and we'll need to do something nice, but I'm so focused on chores that she's not getting enough attention.  Thank god for the tenant who lets her crash there when she's bored.

**

Looks like holding focused productivity more than two days is difficult.  On Saturday I was working outside but it got so fucking hot and it wiped me out, so Sunday I stayed inside mostly.  I really need this heat to pass.  I still have about 3 cubic yards of mulch to deal with, and I need to get it DONE.  ONce I've taken all I need, a woman said she'll take the rest - but she may change her mind the longer this takes.  In the heat, shoveling it was just too much.  (Forecast temp was about 86 but it was hotter in my little microclimate.)   I also need to get that mulch pile gone so that I can use that driveway again for getting rid of things, like the ton of aluminum cans that if I could pull out I could give to a coworker whose child is raising money.  I hate going to the recycling place and it's not worth the $6 or whatever to me.  But it's a PITA to pull out with a huge pile of mulch in front of the carport.  It's all dominos, and I even set up the to-do list with process arrows - first this, then that.  It was pretty accurate, though sometimes I could go out of order. 

I'm concerned that my dog is ill.  I've always been able to tell things with her by her smell (fear and stress is pungent), and for the first time she has a "doggy smell."  She's also slowing down and just behaving a bit peculiarly.  She's about eight now.  Yesterday to celebrate her "Gotcha Day" I tried to take her for a long walk, but she freaked out so hard about a bus driver in a pink high-vis vest that I had to drag her home.  Her mind is such a mystery, full of chaos and shadows.  

Today I'm back to work, and tomorrow is gutter day.  I got quotes on gutters in May of 2021, right when I got back.  PRices sharply increased and the well-known company is back up 16 months.  Yikes a lot has happened since then.  I landed with paint quotes and gutter quotes, and I got a paint guy I liked and he recommended waiting until summer passed to paint, so I planned to move forward with paint in November and gutters right after.  But of course Hurricane Ida came in August and derailed all those plans and made me wait on getting a new roof first.  And interior repairs, and so on.  To FINALLY be gettng things done is awesome, but of course inflation hit all these things and it's been really expensive.  My savings have dwindled significantly, and while I hold out hope that my final insurance payout will help recoup losses, at this point I just want it done.  I've dealt with like seven different adjusters and now the latest one won't return my messages though he used to.  I really want it closed out before I leave town.  

 

flaky

 I swear this town has the flakiest people.

I had a Task Rabbit arranged for this morning.  Three hours of help and I could get everything done.  i woke up in a lot of pain but figured I could still make things work, so I got started.  And then the person never showed up and then LIED about it.  (Said his partner was coming and he thought she was already there.  How can you substitute somebody without alerting me and then that person never show up and you don't follow up?)  

So I'm in a bad spot.  So much pain, so much exhaustion, and so much work to do with a tight timeline.  I have to get a truckload of compostables delivered in about two hours and right now I'm just trying to rehydrate.  I did too much already.  

I'm just so frustrated.

And my realtor won't give me a listing price. I mean, that's something I kinda need to decide if I'm going to sell, right?  Why is she being weird about this.  

***

Ugh, I rushed to get the compostables to the place before 2, when they said they closed.  When I got there at 1:30, nobody was around and nobody answering the phone.  it's way the fuck out the road so it killed over an hour.  Ugh.  And people here just dump things on the side of the road, and since it was yard waste only, I dumped it under an overpass. I know I'm an asshole but what the hell was I supposed to do at this point?  I hate this.  

the glory of menopause

 I can eat tofu again!

I stopped eating tofu decades ago. I had been vegetarian for years and reliant on soy protein, and then I stopped for health reasons (fibroids and some other things).  But now that I'm into menopause, BRING. IT. ON.  I had a lovely batch of fried tofu for lunch today (with vegetables and noodles), and there's no turning back.  And in addition to the estrogen-like soy substance, my substantial fat stores help me regulate estrogen, and frankly menopause has been a breeze.

Meat is really grossing me out lately.  It doesn't not taste good, the texture is weird, and it's frankly super boring.  I've been eating out a ton lately, trying to find a good restaurant with great meat-free food.  Found a perfect INdian spot I went to with a friend (we got channa masala and palak paneer and it was awesome), but otherwise food has been very not great.  I've even been Yelping because I've felt led astray.  Look, I know that times are tough, but I've had some very bad service and not great food that was exalted as stupendous.  Just call it like it is.  

I'm a bit upset also about the paint job done.  The painting itself was fine but he didn't prep it at all - he barely swept the surface.  He just painted over a bunch of crap.  Who does that?  I'm aggravated because when he said he'd properly prepare it, I thought he meant to my standard.  If I had done it, I would have swept, vacuumed, power washed.  But if I had done it, it would have taken me three months of weekends, and I would have been overwhelmed because I would only have short blocks of time to get things done and I would have had to buy new tools and look things up and struggled with perfection.  He did it in four days (and he'll be back tomorrow to fix some spots).   I wrote him a check.  We get to move on with our lives, especially because I plan to get the fuck out of here. But I've been cranky about it.  

Next: I need to call the gutter guy.  And I have a guy to help me with yardwork coming soon.  I need to finish the yardwork this weekend, or at least get close.  I need to install the last blinds, touch up the last paint, and numerous other things.  

My tenant is moving out at the end of this month, which makes some things easier for me but there are also downsides.  Like how nicely she decorates her place looking much better than it empty.  I don't want to have to paint it. 

sliding doors

 Today I went to pick up lunch from a place in a lovely residential neighborhood (I used to live nearby), with an apartment upstairs.  And all the way back to work I fantasized about a life like that, of strolling to nearby cafes and restaurants, time spent with friends instead of house repairs.  

Instead, I'm renovating this house and yard for an eternity and I'm feeling so very, very done but the list is still long.  Honestly I want a job that pays well and consumes me instead of my house and yard doing that.  

I can't have either of those - the demanding job or the leisurely apartment - so long as I have the dog that I do.  And I love this dog but I do feel trapped right now.  Of course it's not all her fault - I could have just put in lawn and called it good.  I choose to grow food and native plants, and I spend many very very happy times gardening and with my dog. I'm just today right now feeling just so very very done. 

My painter was here today and started the project.  I think he'll be done in a few days, and that is helpful.  Then gutters.  And honestly I may need to just hire people to put my yard in shape because I'm so fucking overwhelmed right now.  And it's not even that big of a project anymore, I'm just tired of it.

And I'm tired of work.  Much less qualified people than me getting promotions and I don't even want the jobs being promoted into but they should be mine to turn down.  I told a leader at work I'm leaving so that I can list him as a reference and I hope that wasn't a bad move but I need current recommendations and my last boss was an asshole I don't trust him to not derail me with an undeserved bad reference.  

I'll curl up tonight and blast through some job applications.  I only want to apply now for jobs in the town where my friend is.  I just don't want to have to buy a house right away and deal with all of *gestures* this.  

Yes, I know it's my own fault for the choices I've made.  But so it goes.  

And work is nuts.  More firings and torture of people until they quit.  I have never seen anything like this.  The two people I'm closest to have gotten new jobs and will be gone soon, and it will be hard for me.  

I need to cut myself some slack.  I'm totally on target.  I wanted to list early November and that could happen.  I wanted to get to Oregon first of the year and that could happen.  I guess I just started to think "what if we accelerate this timeframe" and that's when the wheels started to clog and jerk.  And a little meltdown is ok.  I can take some downtime from all the chores and just feel sorry for myself for a little.