some exhales

 They are redoing the kitchen tile backsplash, at their expense.  I am so relieved.  I took Friend with me this evening to look at it, and it was so bumming me out, and I reached out to the contractors who said they would remove it and redo it.  Thank goodness.  I just couldn't stand the idea of seeing uneven tiles and grout every day in the room where I spend so much time, and it seemed like removing and replacing so many individual tiles would be so much work and it would then look weird.  So, yay. 

The person in a position of power provided her report that could have skewered me and it didn't, at all.  After two days of screaming at me, she went a different direction, thankfully, and it demonstrates that I did my job. 

I have not responded to my boss, but I did get some union advice, and it was helpful.  I will respond tomorrow.  I will fight as necessary.  My first step was to ask this person: "Can you read this email chain and tell me what you think?"  His response: "What does she want you to do?  It's not clear."  EXACTLY.  This is how people get tripped up and I'm not falling for that.  I make her uncomfortable (usually because I want her to do her job better - like providing written policies and clear expectations) and she wants to weaponize her discomfort.  Fuck that.  I do not have to be like her to be valid.

***

Next morning: I slept really well last night.  One would think that with all these people angry at me (so many in positions of power, so angry) that I would be a wreck, so isn't it funny that now I can sleep?  Someone I know professionally and I were talking about how her stress affects her health, and I said I seem to thrive with a little chaos.  She asked if I was raised in chaos, as that's a common trauma response, and I wasn't, not really.  My mother kept her mental health struggles to herself as much as she could.  I think I'm just wired this way - that when things get tough, I dig deep into myself and rise to challenges.  And it's human nature to experience more fear in the anticipation of a bad thing.  So I've been worried that my boss would take steps against me, and now she is.  Now I can sleep because I know where she's going?  I guess.  But also because I always have a Plan B - and C, D, E, ... I can pivot like no one's business.  So, I am committed to staying here, in this town, in this job, for at minimum three more years or until my dog dies, whichever comes later.  I'm not sabotaging or accelerating that timeline - as much as I like to move every 18 months, I'm not doing that now.  And the first year in this job was really awful - but I'm not taking responsibility for that.  My boss made it that way, and I've started calling her out for it.  "I'm going to throw you into this fire pit, but DON'T FEEL WARM!" is what she's playing and I'm not doing that.  She has all this power because we make very very good money and nobody wants to lose their job.  But I don't have to be in fear.  I have resources and options.  And my guess is that she's unaccustomed to people who stand up to her - especially women.  Five years ago, our office was mostly men, and now it's mostly women - and the two men do some contorted language things to ensure they do not intimidate people, and everyone is very siloed - keeping their office doors closed, etc.  Is this why people are so fake?  Maybe she's been putting these things onto other people - which is why I let the union rep take the issue to the Board.  If she's trying to twist not just me, but others as well - then she REALLY needs to get management training.  Like, I get that people don't like me - I'm socially awkward and can't read social cues; I blurt out things as I see them, I'm earnest and thorough, and inaccuracies make me really uncomfortable so I call them out.  I'm not the person you want at parties, especially since I stopped drinking long ago.  I am well aware that I'm a weirdo and not at all cool; but I do find it peculiar how much I intimidate people in this town, how uncomfortable they are with me, ever since I moved here 35 years ago.  In many places, I fit in so well with my quirks.  But not here, not at all.  So I'm just trying to do my job and I'm getting in trouble for not being some kind of way that I do not find to be a better way so I'm not interested in doing it.  

Speaking of work, it's time to roll in that direction.  I'm taking off early to help Friend move a massive heap of mulch that's getting delivered shortly.  I do love manual labor.  

cytokines and sugar, anxiety, and pain

On Sunday, I felt awful.  Such pain, such anxiety.  Why?  What was the trigger?  

I reflected back how over the past month I had been consuming more sugar - first to check out level with the continuous glucose monitor, then as I was trying out some Glucose Goddess tips about consuming desserts instead of snacks, etc.  But it seemed that glucose spikes weren't triggering this pain and anxiety - what could it be?

I did a little digging, and I think my answer may be cytokines, a type of inflammation.  Consuming excess sugar can increase pro-inflammatory cytokine levels, and high cytokine levels can increase pain and anxiety (though the research seems to be mostly chicken-egg - finding high levels in people with anxiety, not looking at the high levels causing the anxiety).  

So, I stopped the dessert experimentation and I feel way better.  I do need to drink more water and move more, but the anxiety and pain pretty much disappeared - even while going through some very stressful things at work.  

And when somebody was mentioning a dessert, at first my pleasure receptors started in - but then my stomach started to churn.  Like, how much do I not like pain and anxiety?  Do I dislike that more than I like a "sweet treat"?  Well, yeah.  I dislike it a lot.  

I have almost six decades of massive sugar consumption, and that is a tremendous amount of deconditioning required to get over habits and wishes.  It seems that I was on the right track with my reduction of added sugars specifically, such as replacing refined sugar with homemade date paste.  Even though Glucose Goddess presents all sugar as sugar, there are differences - such as how dates are antiflammatory, unlikely to be true for refined white sugar.   

Obviously there is no physiological harm to me by not consuming refined sugar.  The practical issues are that it's in everything and hard to eliminate, and that it brings me pleasure.  I think that I can exercise moderation - not being rigid about it when offered food, but not seeking out desserts and minimizing their consumption.  This year, I'll make low-sugar jams (last year I made them without any pectin, which requires sugar).  I'll keep working with date paste and fruits as sweeteners for baked goods.  

I think I was on the right track from August to December, and I want to get back on the boat.  Getting back into my house (hopefully within the week!) will be very helpful with that.  Not that Friend and I have been eating junk - we haven't.  But it's just so much easier to prepare foods in my own kitchen, with my own stuff.  

Oh and no - I'm not diabetic.  I've always (since high school, when I was tested for hypoglycemia as my symptoms were the same as a relative diagnosed with hypoglycemia) had blood sugar readings towards the higher end of normal range, not pre-diabetic.  HbA1c at 5.5.  

But there are clearly reasons besides diabetes to reduce sugar consumption.  Warning: judgment ahead - I've been perplexed by the many people with diabetes I've recently come to know who consume massive amounts of sugar and consider it to be fine because they can "fix" it with insulin.  That is wild to me.  

escalating

 Shit's going down at work, and I am fired up.  

Got to have lunch with my new friend, and she's great.  Her experiences are also making me reframe mine because hers are waaaay worse because they're racist and aggressive.  It's out of control.  And just like me, she feels trapped by money (it pays well) and another reason (for her, for her kid to graduate high school).   But I really really hate what she is going through.  It's awful.  I offered her advice on how to get her personal information off the internet (she's had death threats mailed to her home) and solidarity, but this is so bad.  And it's going to get worse, I fear. 

My shit is just my boss being afraid of somebody who disagrees with her.  Her making shit up is on my nerves.  I'm not past the point of no return - I could stop talking back, stop demanding things be done correctly - and I could maybe last another three years.  But spoiler alert: I can never keep my mouth shut.  

So I touched base with friend in St. Louis who assumes he'll be taking care of me in my old age, and asked where we'll be retiring to.  He's too all over the place right now, but we'll see when I'm ready.  I'm not saying St. Louis is my dream home, but it has a lot of good things about it.  

I'm so so ready to be back in my house.  I'm stressed out about the subcontractors fucking shit up and I haven't been there for a day or two because it's so stressful.  Maybe next week at this time they'll be wrapping up and I'll be starting my clean-up.  Fingers crossed.  

kicking hornets nests

 Day 2 of FIGHTING THE WORLD.  People were SO mad at me, again.  Same thing as yesterday.  And then I got into it with my boss and her bullshit.  I called her out and upset her.  I needed to do it - and I need to follow up with email, but I'm too tired now.  I REALLY pissed off someone in power over me (not my boss) - and strangely, that doesn't bother me.  She was SOOOO upset - she's well known for her temper, but I've never seen her like this.  Oh my god it was wild to watch her light into me, and I would shrug and say "I apologize that I did not understand that" or "I'm sorry that I did not make that clearer" and it seemed to just enrage her more.  I was not sniveling, I was not shaken.  At all.  

She may never forgive me even though what I did wasn't anything bad.  I did something standard anywhere else.  But it ENRAGED her.  And my lack of falling apart seemed to push her further.  And I have to deal with her all the time and this could be bad for me, but what the fuck ever.  If she wants to lose her everlovingmind like this, whatever.  

So, yeah.  Fight me, all y'all.  What the fuck ever.  

And then I saw the news about federal employees leaving and losing their jobs, and I thought Oh fuck, I should stop making everybody so mad at me because I could get fired.  But whatever.  And I texted with my new buddy whom i'm seeing tomorrow, the one who hates here like I do.  She was like, "I have so much to tell you, we will need dinner plans."  Same girl, same.  

I don't think I'll really lose my job over all this, though I could.  Worst case scenario?  I sell my house, move in with my friend.  Get another job.  I don't want to make the dog move again, and this house is too small for all of us, but I am not without options.  

Though, ideally, I would be here for another three years.  But I am done trying to keep myself small to make fragile people unthreatened,  Fuck that. 

crappy days

 I had by far the worst day at work yesterday.  So many people angry and coming at me and bitching behind my back.  It was insane.  And I turned to my colleagues for support and I got some, but it still felt crappy.  I turned to some calming things on the Calm app and that helped.  I have to face a lot of the same people today and ... just, whatever.  I didn't actually do anything wrong, I'm just the lightning rod for everyone.  I even looped in my ineffective boss who won't do anything to help me.  It is just ridiculous and I'm feeling a little fatalistic.  

And then I went to my house.  When I had gone on Sunday, I saw uneven tiles and I sent an email but the woman in charge didn't see the email and so it got grouted, and it does not look good.  I'm really unhappy.  I stayed calm but I showed her tiles sticking out and uneven grout lines and she understood and she emailed this morning after talking with her husband and she says they will fix it.  I hope they can.  Because I'm unhappy enough to demand it be taken down and replaced, if I have to.  And that is just a very unpleasant feeling.  I just fucking want to be back in my house.  We're going on three weeks here and I'm of course so very very grateful to Friend for letting us stay here indefinitely, but I WANT TO GO HOME.  I want them to finish.  And they are making progress - she was there painting yesterday and he will get the tile and flooring in.  Then the plumber, refinish bathtub, and some final things like baseboards and such.  They should finish next week, which is still sort of on track (that will be week four).  I can't move back in right away because the smell of the bathtub will be so toxic, but maybe I can get in to start doing some cleaning.

My hands still hurt from hauling firewood - it's like I deep bruised them.  Yes, I wore leather gloves and didn't realize I was pushing, but days later I still don't have full use of my hands which is weird.  

These are all little things, but what's really the problem is our current political climate.  I know this is a shock and awe campaign, and that I should not feel paralyzed in the face of such atrocities.  I know this but I am struggling.  Trying to figure out how to survive and how to resist.  Everything being done - it's horrifying.  I want to vomit, I want to scream. 

2025 goals

About a month late to the party on resolutions, but I still like to put things down to articulate intention.

• Continue on health journey
• eat healthy (more vegetables, less sugar/refined grains/industrial seed oils, reduce glucose spikes)
• move more (use rowing machine, qi gong, walk as I can, bike to work often and in spring start to bike to the further workplace and don't give a fuck about all the ways people think I'm weird)
• read more 
  
• wrap up house projects
• finish my bits, get those last move-in items like rugs and side tables, and get the patio redone
  
•  finish the quilt I've been working on since 2007?  (if the arthritis and ADD allows)
  
• continue all the garden work - the native plants, the soil restoration, the growing my own food
• don't let the job kill me
• start to figure out my role in the resistance 

 

yay for the weekend

 Happy Saturday morning.  It's chilly but sun is shining and I think I'll walk to the supermarket for provisions.  I have a pot of black beans on the stove (which I'll put in burritos with roasted squash, etc.), milk heating to make yogurt, and chia pudding just about ready to be stirred and have berries added and be put into fridge.  Other meals ahead include white bean and chard pasta and sukuma wiki (Kenyan greens with beef).  I'm also leaning into the "veggie starter" of "Glucose Goddess" and have little bowls of carrot salad, cucumbers with vinegar, and beet salad that I start meals with, and I'll make more of those as well (probably with cauliflower and broccoli as Friend likes those a lot and there's heaps in the fridge).  I am motivated by things I see in fridge (salsa needing to be used up and a jar of black beans) and shelves (last jar of white beans).  Friend can eat the same thing every day, and she likes processed foods.  I desire tremendous diversity in what I eat and it's all from scratch, bebe.  

I do want to stick with this veggie starter tip - I find it's getting me to eat more vegetables, which is always a good thing.  If I can plan to make little vegetable dishes for the week that i can start meals with, that's a win-win.  And soon I can get back to the farmers market and find good local things.  

The dog put me to bed last night, which was very sweet.  I definitely have anxiety about the state of the world.  This presidential regime has crashed in and is on a rampage that is very very concerning.  Like many others, I feel bewildered and unsure what to do.  I want to buy Costco stock for refusing to end their DEI initiatives, for one.  I need to do a lot more than that, though.

Today the house plan is putting in the kitchen backsplash, which I'm very excited about.  I'll go over to check in and to take a delivery of a cord of firewood this afternoon.  I should probably wait until I have a chainsaw to cut into usable lengths and to hack up the wood from the sweet gum tree that I had felled, but I am too excited to have a woodshed and the clear cold sunny weather has me motivated.  I'll go over early to pull out more of the sweet gum chunks to use as nursery log type things - they look pretty good in the landscaped areas and I'll put more in.  I have a book about firewood that I'll re-read - it's called Norwegian Wood and it is remarkably entertaining.  I'm looking forward to next winter when I can be in my own house and enjoy winter for what it is.  

Even though the main things might be finished at the house by the end of next week, the bathtub refinishing will keep me out of the house for several more days.  The smell will be very strong and I am very sensitive to such things.  But soon I'll get to go home.  Soon. 

***

I did get a load of firewood and transported it and stacked it all up nicely in the lovely new woodshed.  Being at the house I saw the backsplash going in, and it is getting pretty nerve-wracking now.  I saw they moved the oven and made a big mess, and I am concerned about denting, cutting floor, etc.  I hope for the best.  The vanity is in and that backsplash that came with the countertop doesn't even match - it's a shade or two darker.  What the hell?  The contractor says it's common, it's on theirs too.  But that's aggravating and I wouldn't have bought it if I'd known.  In the bathroom the walls look pretty good - the texture is very heavy which is the way with a lot of patching.  I cannot tell at all where the original was and the repairs.  He has the backing of the shower surround in.  So, progress is being made.  I just really look forward to the tiling guy being done.  He seems nice and all but he is definitely not the clean person the contractor is.  He was given the code and I said he can let himself in tomorrow to grout, when he asked.  After he's all done, the sink and such can be reinstalled, and then the kitchen will be back to me to wrap it up, yay.  Bathroom has the tiling of the surround, the painting, the install of baseboard, the install of toilet and flooring (not in that order).  Then the tub refinishing, and final caulking and put the new hardware in the shower.  I expect it'll probably be a few days longer than he expected but he is making progress.  I was talking to my coworker's wife and she said they actually like to stick to the schedule - I had gotten the impression from her wife that things went longer than expected.  So maybe we'll be close.  I'm so grateful and lucky to be able to crash with Friend indefinitely.  And I am super ready to start deep cleaning my house to move back in!  That'll take some days, I expect. 

office = closed doors

 When I first started at my job, I was in the office all day every day.  It was so lonely because nobody wants to really talk, everyone's doors are closed, etc.  

Then I bought my house and was able to shift to a remote schedule, in office less, and it got much better.  My house is not lonely.  

Isn't that funny how being alone isn't lonely but being in a group of people is when they all want to be siloed and isolated?  

So I'm back in the office now almost full-time because I'm not in my house, and it's just as lonely.  I had thought maybe when I started it was that way because I didn't know people and they were keeping me at arms length.  Nope, they are just weird.  And when we do talk, it's a superficialness.  They get uncomfortable when I say real things.  Bring up institutionalized racism, vicarious trauma, etc. and there's look of panic that I might have an authentic conversation.  

So I'm looking forward to being back in my house.  End of next week was the forecast, so I'm expecting some more time after that though wouldn't it be wonderful to have a contractor expected completion date be real?  

And once I get back into my house, I'll probably take some time off work to do a really deep clean.  There's been a lot of construction to clean up (and finish in the kitchen), and also I want to be really able to settle in.  No more strangers traipsing through the house, yay.  

So I need to suck it up another couple of weeks, with this office weirdness, this superficial inauthentic toxic positivity with fragile people.  

And as I wrap things up with projects (though of course there will always be more projects), maybe I can start to look if there are any community things that I want to be involved in.  I look at my life before the dog, and how many things I used to be involved in.  I met a lot of good friends that way, enjoyed myself.  It is hard with the dog and her demands, but maybe I can carve out some more time for me.  She too will be very glad to be back in our house - she's not happy about being here.  Friend's house is quite cluttered and we both get a bit claustrophobic.

OK, I best get ready to head to work.  Work is just work - a way to earn money.  It's not my everything.

focus on health

 Listening to this podcast right now about exercise medicine (or inactivity as poison) with Dr. Rangan Chatterjee and guest Dr. Daniel Lieberman.  Probably can't listen to the whole thing before getting ready for work but I can come back to it later.  

Trying so hard to focus back on my health.  Finished The Glucose Revolution last night and it's enjoyable - I understand why her Instagram is so popular.  She has 10 tips including: eat foods in the right order (first vegetables, then fat and protein, then carbs); start meals with vegetables; eat savory breakfast not sweet; sugars are the same (she disabused me of my affection for dates); if eating sweets do it as dessert not as a snack; 1 T vinegar in salad dressing or drunk with water within 20 minutes of eating a carb-heavy meal or snack; move after eating; savory snacks >> sweet snacks; dress up stand-alone carbs (like, put peanut butter on apple).  

These are not revolutionary ideas out of nowhere.  Many of these I had figured out on my own based on how I feel, and others have recent research confirming the results.  She also has a product to reduce glucose spikes, which I will not be purchasing, but many of these tips make sense and are health-improving.  And they redirect me to eat more vegetables which is one of my top goals.

My key goals are now:

• eat more vegetables
  
• move more
• continue to eat minimal sugar/refined grains - including reducing glucose spikes
  

Outcomes expected (which I have already seen) both short and long-term:

• weight loss
• less brain fog
• more energy
• reduced pain 
• better health indicators in blood testing showing reduced risk of heart disease, type 2 diabetes, etc.
  

 Wow - Dr. Lieberman just said in the US, most people have a period of 16 years with chronic health disease conditions.  That's what I want to not have happen to me.  I may live to 90 years old and I want it to be pleasant overall. 

Lots of little objectives to reach these goals - ensure I'm getting enough fiber; spending more time with food preparation (while listening to health-oriented podcasts?), continuing gardening.  Getting good lights on my bicycle and any other gear I need to bike in below freezing temperatures and other inclement weather.  Figure out best times to use the rowing machine (in the evening is not good because of nocturnal hypoglycemia).  Remind myself how crappy I feel when I eat junk food, and set myself up for success.  There's a lot more that I can do but I don't to overwhelm myself.

After next week, my work calendar is looking less busy for a few months.  I was going to offer to take on other people's projects, but maybe I'll just be selfish and enjoy it. 

OK, time to get ready for work.  I have some unpleasant things to work through and looking forward to finishing that all up. 

back to the grindstone

 It's been a lovely three day weekend (thank you, Dr. King), and tomorrow it's back to the grindstone.  I went to the office today (things to prepare for and also needed a break out of the house) and took a long lunch to walk around town, see some things I haven't before.  Further than I usually walk and my feet were hurting, but worth it.  Saw a bike shop where I had a balaclava shipped to yesterday and checked out their lights.  Lights on my bike is the big barrier to me not biking more in winter.  Well, the cold, too.  But I could bike when it's 26 degrees out so long as I'm geared up appropriately.  It's not that far.  I went to an herb store where I thought I could stock up on bulk herbs, but I cannot.  Checked out a plant nursery and some other things.  It was a sunny, chilly day.  I wear the same hoodie whether it's 60 degrees or 20 degrees - I just accessorize with gloves when in the 20s.  

Stopped by my house after arranging for an electrician, and the contractor was there.  He's a very pleasant fellow.  I feel like he should be able to be moving forward on schedule because the plumber and electrician happened pretty much right when needed, but things have been a little slow.  He said today he would rip up the flooring to see what needs to happen to a low spot near the tub.  fingers crossed it's just a little replacement of plywood, which he can do when replacing water damaged studs.  I feel like once the electrician is done he should be able to power through things, but I'm obviously not a professional so who knows.  

Beyond grateful I am about having a place to stay like this with the crazy dog, and also I'll be super glad to be back home with my own stuff and my own chores.  I'm kind of a chore hound, and today at Friend's house I was vacuuming and pulling weeds, not able to stop myself even though I'm still sore AF from all the soil hauling and planting I did at my house yesterday.  

A coworker was at the office - it's someone I rarely interact with but I like him.  He and his wife also have a very difficult dog, and their way of handling it if they want to take any trip is to drive him 15 hours each direction to their parents' houses.  And they're having their bathroom renovated but only have one bathroom.  I told him I moved out to stay with a friend and he said they don't have anybody like that here, and that really struck me as American - which is kind of funny because both his and his wife's parents are immigrants.  How quickly we acculturate, including to the bad things like the toxic isolation so common in America.  And it sharpened my resolve again that while i will leave here, I am moving someplace with a community I fit into and enjoy.  Friends I can crash with for weeks, as I clean out their pantries and weed their garden beds because I can't stop myself.  

If this week goes as I hope, I won't have to work this weekend despite having another big event next week because I'll be all planned and organized.  Maybe I'll do the drive to Ikea and just finish that.  Maybe I'll convince Friend to get 15 cubic yards of mulch delivered so we can take care of her backyard - we did it two years ago and it's breaking down, plus I don't think we made it thick enough.  Weeds are popping through.  And mud, though that situation is so much better than two years ago.  I am forever in debt of mulch for de-mudding the yards, making them passable and not requiring that I constantly pick mud out of my dog's nails.  I had a few squishy spots when we were building the woodshed and I just threw down some more mulch, and problem solved.  There are so many different ways this works - from how the woodchips soak up water instead of it pooling, to adding solid matter between air and mud, to how it breaks down and improves the soil and makes it less silt.  Lord, I think about last year and how the godsons came down that weekend when we hauled 20 yards of leaves, and we were so caked in awful mud, sliding around like crazy, losing shoes and falling down.  It's like a completely different yard now.  It is enjoyable to spend time in, even during the rainy season.  

I'm leaning into the whole woodshed thing and tentatively have a cord of firewood being delivered tomorrow, and I'm checking out chainsaws.  How did I not know that they needed to be sharpened so much?  I swear I've spent thousands of hours of my life around chainsaws, and I had no idea.  Never noticed somebody sharpening them, though definitely have experience with them being dangerous  - probably in part because of dull chains.  Shit, the tires on our cars were driven when they were so bald they would explode.  I'm sure my father didn't do chainsaw maintenance as necessary.  I am definitely not my parents.  I think I'll get an electric one, knowing its limitations.  If we get a bad ice storm I can't go out and cut up trees if I lose power or need to go too far from my house, but I'm not spending hundreds more for a what if.  I'm getting it to further cut up the sweet gum tree logs and to shorten the firewood I can get.  I'll also probably use it to take down two more trees.  If I really get into this firewood life and want to go out to the forest to get my own firewood, I'll buy a damn gas chainsaw.  But with my strong aversion to woodsmoke, I'm just prepping for something to do and because last year's ice storm in which I froze for days - it was awful.  I'm not going through that again. 

So, sometimes short weeks are crazy at work because five days of stuff gets crammed into only four days.  But I'm going to believe that this week is better.  

Plus, tomorrow I get to meet the cool person I clicked with!  That has to be a good start to the week. 

snappy beast

 Last night, my dog snapped at Friend.  And then she did it again today.  I'm very grateful there was no skin broken - clearly a warning.  The hard part is that Friend, like every other person, doesn't believe me about the dog's clues. "But her tail is wagging!"  "But she's coming to me asking for pets!"  And so on.

The snappiness is new, but she has been an unpredictable wild thing since Day 1 with me.  I'm the only person who can read her warning signs.  I'm wondering if she is having some tooth pain or something else like that, as that seems to be the offending area.  

So, this isn't great for us.  

Last night I stumbled upon a two-week trip I really wanted to take - outdoorsy things, shifting thinking of how I work to live, etc.  I asked Friend if she could keep the dog for that time and she agreed.  But now I do not think it's advisable.

I think that until the dog dies, I need to not leave her for more than a day trip.  I've been saying that, but this really confirms it.  I cannot have her biting somebody.  

So, I"m trying to be ok with this.  She is finally starting to show her age a little, but she could well live another six years.  

Sigh.  And maybe it's not a pain, maybe she's just tired of being here and wants to go home.  Sorry, dog.  I have to get an electrician unexpectedly and that's delaying the project longer.  

My bit of good news today is that the scale says I lost .8 pounds over the past week.  I really need to get remotivated with the healthier diet.  I am eating a lot of vegetables now, which helps.  But I still feel like not at home and able to fully food prepare all I want.  My tools are at my house, etc.

I think today I'll get garden soil to build up some garden rows and plant bulbs, plus a few other things at home.  The dog is sitting on her bed, knowing she crossed a line.  She was showing that she felt really bad when she snapped last night so we thought it was a one-off.

And no, she's never snapped at me except when she was on mood altering medications - they completely destroyed our bond and she ran away, got into someone's garbage, and snapped at me trying to take it away/remove her.  She also snapped at me when I tried to redirect her from barking very aggressively at the neighbor.  She didn't give a fuck who I was, and I could not live like that so she went off the meds.   But if she snaps at me now, or even bites me, it's just what it is.  I committed to not having her put down nine years ago and I'm in it for the long haul.  She's a dog who bites, thoroughly untrustworthy.  That's just my reality.  

Waiting for sheets to dry to make up my bed so she can put herself into time out there when she needs, so then I can head out for my time.  I suppose I could take her with me but I don't want her in the construction zone.  I also need to dremel her nails.  

Sigh.  She's a lot. 

wasting time in the kitchen

 I was listening to a cooking show on NPR as I was driving somewhere, and I was struck with their discussion of their resolutions.  Hers: to cook through more cookbooks to regularly do things other than her classic French cooking training.  His: to waste more time in the kitchen, to spend most Sunday afternoons toodling around, taking a one-hour recipe and spending three hours on it. 

While they're both good, the wasting time one really struck me.  Of course it's not wasting time to prepare healthful tasty food but I get the point of pushing back against our cultural valorization of efficiency.  And I do need to be efficient regularly - at work, at home as I finish projects, etc.  I'm very well organized and I attack to-do lists with force and discipline.  And when Friend joins in, our productivity is exponentially increased.  

And sometimes when I'm in that mindset, it's hard to "waste" time.  I want everything to be quick and convenient, especially food. 

But I generally enjoy food preparation - from starting seeds to eating.  I like all the steps, and I'm very proud of all the food I produce and prepare for myself.  I think my cooking is better than almost any restaurant in this town - and it's certainly healthier.  

So why not spend almost every Sunday afternoon in the kitchen?  My beautiful new kitchen which will be finished so soon.  This isn't wasting time, this is improving my life.  This is a date with myself.  I'll listen to my favorite tunes, or maybe find some podcasts I like.  Maybe have friends over sometimes to share the meal, sometimes prep everything to cook up after work throughout the week.  

I like this plan to be unplanned.  

And now, I've just prepped everything for a dish (winter squash, quinoa, black beans), and waiting for Friend to get home from her errand to purchase sheet pans.  We were Very Productive this morning with our errands and after we eat lunch we'll go get mulch for her yard.  I want to power through chores today as I have to go to my office for a few hours, and I want to keep prioritizing food preparation to get through all these healthy foods I have waiting. 

so this is Friday night

When I got to her house around 6 pm, Friend said she had been ready to text me to give me heads up she was going to bed and not to be concerned.  It's been a week. 

I just ate some cheesecake as a Friday night treat after a successful week, and eesh I do not need to do that again.  I also should have thrown it away after three bites.  It's too much.  I need to remember this.  If I want a sweet, a little bit of chocolate is all I really want.  Remember this ... remember this ...

I'd gone to some stores after work to stock up for weekend cooking.  Squash/quinoa/beans.  Borscht.  Other such vegetable-laden things.  After the chili debacle in which her very old spices almost destroyed my cooking, I cleared out her cabinets.  What kills me is that I cleaned them all out less than two years ago when I was here before, but I must have missed her spices.  There's some shit in there that expired in 2013.  Plus things that weren't expired two years ago are expired now.  So we're tossing a lot.  

I washed all the spice jars and I bought some bulk herbs to fill some up, but I'll probably not worry about it much since she seems to have never used these herbs and spices. She has some mixes that she likes, so that works.  It's probably time for me to rotate some of my spices but oh well.  Any jars she doesn't want, I'll give away.  It's a couple dozen and that can save somebody a lot of money to get their spices in bulk.  

What else was good?  I prevailed in a professional discussion, which will make my Tuesday earlier.  I had about three pages of reasoning, but I just needed one.  I've learned to start with the best argument first.  And somebody I met remotely a few weeks ago that I liked so much, we have lunch plans on Tuesday as we'll meet in person for the first time.  She emailed me yesterday, excited and being her authentic self.  I'm so excited to meet her, she seems awesome. 

Got some books from the library, have a long weekend ahead.  I hope to be productive tomorrow because Sunday I may need to drive all day, and Monday I need to do work for job.  We have a glitch in the renovation - electrical things not capped like I thought they were.  So I'll coordinate the electrician or they'll find another.  

W-2 came today so I just did a rough draft of my taxes.  Refund is a bit less than I was expecting but it's better than paying.  I'm waiting for a couple more documents to confirm what I'm saying and then I think I can file.  Yay.  Money money money money money.  Speaking of, I'd like to start a little investing but it's kind of overwhelming and I just want to find my way in.  I've got a couple of stocks I'd like to buy.  Need to figure that out.  

Was talking to a coworker yesterday who I actually like and I said something like, "Yeah, once my dog is dead I'm out of this town, this is not my home," and she said, "Oh my god no, this place is awful."  YES YES YES.  It's so funny, people from here think it's fantastic.  And some people who moved here too, I'm sure.  But so many of us are like - you realize this defines provincial, right?  Y'all think you're hot stuff but you are blandness passive aggression personified.  She is expecting to do three more years and then retire somewhere though her wife has built a practice here so many not.  But they're looking around, and they're liking New Mexico.  "SOLD!  I would move to New Mexico!  Please buy a compound, I just need a little casita."  "There will be lots of dogs."  "Perfect!  I'm not getting another dog after this one."  "You'll be dog auntie."  "THAT'S THE DREAM."  

Years ago, like more than 30, I was sort of in a group of people.  Maybe a little.  I was obsessed with my professor and we became friends and she tried to pull me into her life, though I was too awkward and didn't really fit in.  She just posted more photos and tagged me (which I don't accept, as I always look so awkward in her photos), because her very dear friend just died.  They are barely older than me - I mean, they seemed like it at the time, so mature and married and shit - but they can't be more than five years older than me.  And for them to be dying and debilitated is ... wow, life is short and unexpected.  I'm glad she and her wife had 35 years together - they were definitely soulmates, happy and warm people who found their matching piece.  But I'm sure they expected 35 more and this is really sad.

Friend and I have never been romantically involved, but she is absolutely my closest family.  She is also 10 years older than me.  I'm really struggling every time I'm reminded that she's mortal and will not always be around.  

It's funny that no matter how much time she spends with my dog, she's always astounded at her.  It's true, the dog is smart.  She does understand long sentences.  She doesn't always choose to do what's asked, but she usually understands.  And she's not as time-bound as a lot of dogs - I can give her a timeframe and she'll adjust.  She understands later and when she does something for me on credit, she comes back around to collect.  She's a hoot.  

Long weekend.  Yay.   

a gratifying day

 I was in the middle of a chili process - soak beans, cook beans, saute other ingredients, cook with beans - when I realized the chili tasted AWFUL.  First, the beans were hard AF.  I thought they were cooking all day in the slow cooker, but when Friend got home she turned them off waaaay too early.  But I'm an idiot and didn't check, and instead I drained a bunch of bean juice goodness off.  Then I used her spices and they are old and nasty.  So what I had was a slurry of hard beans and water with very expired spices.  So nasty.

So, like any person would do, I stayed home - not to the office today - to fix this mess.  It took all morning of boiling hard, stirring, seasoning.  I added tomato paste, stock, and a heap of my spices which are not from 2013.   

And I'm not even going to pretend to be humble - I was able to make it good.  We both ate two bowls and the dog couldn't get enough of it good.  I'll eat leftovers good.  So, that was a very gratifying thing. 

Then I went to my house and replaced the screws in the woodshed and it was actually soooo much easier than I feared.  Boom boom, done.  Wow.  Friend brought more screws and helped finish up the last section which I started to haul wood.  Truth be told, I don't know if the wood left from the sweet gum I had felled a couple of years ago will ever become firewood.  It's still SO hard, I can't imagine I'll be able to split it with an ax. I think I'll be buying firewood to fill most of the shed.  But it felt great to be finished.  Very gratifying.  And by clearing where I had the wood stacked, I can start finishing my backyard planting of bulbs, etc.  

Then the countertop installers came and I didn't get a good hit but I was cordial, and it looks to me like they did a good job, and I now have quartz countertops.  Yay.  So my contractor will now install blacksplash (white tiles with gray grout) and hook up all the plumbing again, and then when he's done with the house, I will FINALLY finish the cover panels and filler strips and such.  And then I will finally remove the protective film on my appliances because I will be moved in.  There will still be some things like how some of the handles are a little crooked, but imma try to not focus on that.  We are on the homestretch. It's only been 14 months since I first walked into Ikea and said, "I'd like to buy a kitchen."  Yay.

Contractor says the plumber will come for the bathroom tomorrow - we need to have pipes moved to accommodate new vanity and bathtub/shower.  So that's exciting.  

I didn't get a lot of work done with my job, but I got to crawl up a ladder and use power tools, so it's a good day.  I'll have to work some thing weekend, but I will hopefully also get to go to make return at Ikea and stop at some other places.  It's a day trek.  A lot of driving but fun.  A friend recommended another adventure not far so I think I'll stop there too for lunch (the food at Ikea used to be tasty but it's become nasty) and stock up on pantry goods.  I have been planning to do this while staying with Friend because it's a whole day and the dog will be home with her and not alone.  It will be nice to check this off the chore list.  If I were a better person I'd use the opportunity to visit friends in the area, but ... I'm using the dog as an excuse to not.   

I have a couple of library books waiting for me to pick up, so that's fun.  More health stuff.  I was reading a Sue Grafton book last night and I just cannot stop with the nostalgia of a pre-cell-phone, pre-computer era.  Those were good times in a lot of ways.  

While walking around the backyard I saw bluebells starting to come up, and they are invasive and hard to get rid of, so I'm stoked.  I love garden enemies and I'm running low.  My backyard was such a mess when I moved in with ivy and blackberries and such, but I tackled that shit and it barely even tries anymore.  Maybe once every couple of months I see a sprout and it is handled.  When I take on invasives, I'm formidable.  There is a patch of bindweed that I religiously attack.  In summer, it's multiple times per day of me squinting for every single fucking strand of it and immediately destroying it.  I'm intense, I know.  But I like this about me.  And I'm especially excited about it now because the ground is wet and it's a lot easier to dig things out, plus because I'm not growing food now there's not as much for me to do outside.  

So, a good day all around.

construction update

 I stopped by my house to pick some things up (how did I forget my toothbrush charger?) and I was shocked.  No sign of debris anywhere, and much of the gutting was done - the faux marble tub surround, large vanity, the tiled walls - all gone.  The house was clean.  They'd laid down paper as they promised, and they cleaned up well.  Very well.  I was shocked.  And very grateful.  

I'm curious about their next steps - will the flooring and tile go away next?  Then the plumber come to reroute things?  How much of the kitchen issues is taking the attention?  They removed all the countertops and sink and all that damn caulk I put in - and it ripped out some of the wall.  Glad it was them, not me.  

Tomorrow I'll go back for the countertop install and I'm hoping it will be straightforward.  We'll also replace the fasteners in the woodshed and then be done with that, yay.  

After the countertops, he'll install the sink, etc. and then the tile backsplash.  Once the plumber is done with the bathroom, they should be able to start reconstructing the bathroom.  I assume walls first, then tile, then flooring, then toilet and vanity and all the things?  I'm excited to see.  

And I'll be excited to go home, too.  I may only have another three years or so in that house, and I want to enjoy it while it lasts for me.  

routines and too much sitting

 I'm remembering now why I had to get my own house - falling into Friend's rhythm goes against my natural rhythms.  She has to get up so early for work, which means she needs to go to bed so early, eat dinner so early, etc.  There is a vast difference between being at work at 5:00 am (leaving the house at 4:30 am), and my usual of logging into my computer at 8:00 am with a cup of coffee still in my hand and often unshowered.  

I think I've been struggling a bit with my sleep lately because I went too far - trying to go to sleep by 10 pm is too early and it's got me waking up repeatedly.  Last night I was asleep at 11 pm and I slept pretty well for six hours, which is better.  But that means I have hours to kill - last night she went to bed at 7:30 pm, and I'm not going to muck around the kitchen or do anything else loud.  Usually at home in the evenings I'm puttering around; I don't exercise late because that seems to cause more hypoglycemia in the night, but putting things away and prepping food and such.  This is a lot of sitting quietly after a day of sitting still.  Once my feet are feeling better, I'll put in some more steps because this is too much sitting.  And again - I'm super grateful for a friend who lets us descend for weeks.  I'm just realizing again that it's hard to sit so much.  And there is of course no reason that I can't be reading more with this time.  I didn't want to start reading at 7:30 because it would put me to sleep, but I can later.  And I have a book waiting for me at the library. 

Today I need to stop by my house to pick some things up and I'm sure it's going to be rough to see it as a construction zone.  Tomorrow afternoon I'll be there for countertop install and I know that's going to be stressful; and Friend and I plan to also redo the wrong fasteners to the woodshed.  And then we'll be done, though now I'll need to chop and shorten and stack firewood.  Which of course I like.  I very much like physical projects because my job is so sedentary. Speaking of my job, I may be covering an event for somebody in an hour because her kid is sick, but I never got any confirmation of it and that's annoying.  Do I spend 1/2 hour this morning before work preparing?  Or not?  Look, I'll cover for people, of course.  But please be respectful of my time, too.  Guess I better go do that prep and get ready for another long day in the office. 

moved out

 I moved out of my house this weekend, which was quite a process and I'm exhausted.  Prepping kitchen and bathroom for the next steps, plus putting things away and rolling up rugs, etc.  We also finished the woodshed BUT I realized we used the wrong fasteners so we have to do that again, ugh.  But we're close now and it looks good. 

It'll be weird to not be home and my dog is NOT happy.  I thought she'd be thrilled but she's not.  She likes our house, our routines.  She loves her auntie but not all the time.  

At least three weeks to be out of my home, depending on various things like plumbers and not finding issues.  I'm so grateful to have a place to go but I'll miss being home.

I'll work at the office all day every day, since I can't work remotely from here really.  I'll check in on my house from time to time, pick more things up.  But I'll try to trust that things will go well.  Not micromanage.  I was impressed with the contractor's wife - very organized, very on top of things.  

In my spare time, I"ll focus on food.  I plan to prepare food a lot, focus on vegetables.  Issue is that I'm not off work until 5 and friend usually eats by then as she gets up at 3:30 am to go to work.  I'll prep more than I usually do.  She's off tomorrow so i'm giving her a list of things to prepare as I just really was not up for cooking after the long physical day.  My feet have been killing me, and everything else.  I'd forgotten how firm the bed is - I actually bought it and it's firmer than I realized.  I think I need to get a topper or something because my joints did not recover from a night on it. 

I've finally managed to get to sleep early enough regularly, but I cannot stop waking up repeatedly throughout the night.  Usually just an hour or two after falling asleep, I wake up as though I'm ready to face the day.  That is way too little sleep, and I don't want to be that awake at midnight.  So I'm not sure how to address this.   Obviously my medical provider is the opposite of helpful. 

Hopefully I'll get better about working in the office in terms of staying focused.  Usually when I'm the office, I'm too easily distracted and I get little done.  I'd like to be super productive this week for some upcoming big things.  

I lost 1.2 pounds this week, the scale says.  That sounds right, getting back on track.  Though, I had ice cream for dinner tonight.  I was really struggling and feeling so poorly, so I went ahead, and within an hour I felt human again, so no regrets.  I'd had tacos for lunch but it was too much food and I threw away much of it - I wasn't really hungry.  This is how it was with the CGM when I was in hypoglycemia, knowing I needed to eat but just not interested in it.  I need to get a meter to register how I'm doing.  It seems to get bad when I'm very physically active.   

too much sleep?

 OK, I'm not sure this eight hours of sleep thing is really for me.  I seem more annoyed with the world when I'm rested.  

The sleep procedures worked for me and I was asleep after 10.  I woke up at 4 something to face the day and I said no thank you, went back to sleep.  Kept going back to sleep.  Finally got up at 7.  And my brain feels groggy and slower than the days I was running on five hours of sleep.  

I'm wondering if this could be a temporary negative reaction to having to run so much on adrenaline and cortisol for so long.  I've been listening to experts on stress and recognizing how while the human body is made for short bursts of stress, the constant stress is what's so unhealthy.  I don't want constant stress.  

My latest interest is UK Dr. Rangan Chatterjee.  His very easy accessible advice is appealing - can I spend five minutes strength training twice a week without any special equipment?  Sure I can.  Will it have the desired effects?  I have to be skeptical, but at the same time - the all or nothing idea that we have - that to be fit takes hours a day at a gym, that can't be right.  My goal is to build more activity into my daily life because I am never going to want to "exercise" but I do love to be active.  And he fits into that goal very well.  I'll read his books from the library, I'll listen to his podcast, I'll see if I can find his TV show online here.  Yes, I know this is common sense advice - eat more vegetables, move more.  But for me it is helpful to hear from doctors and scientists.  Good Energy by Dr. Casey Means got me off the sugar train, which is great.  It's worth it and interesting for me.  

The other issue that fucked up my sleep is last year my neighbor asked if I could not have my dog barking before 7 am.  I should have asked them to stop feeding squirrels, which is what she is barking at, but it's fair request.  So I stopped letting her out before 7 am, and my days of getting up at 5 am and starting the day at full tilt dissolved.  I started sleeping later and later, otherwise she was so unbearable with demanding to go outside too early.  So then I started going to sleep later and later.  And I think I whacked things up.  I can figure out other solutions for my early morning barky dog that don't fuck with a healthy sleep schedule.  

OK, time to log onto work computer and then head to the office.  Another day, another dollar.  That's what I'm working for. 

finally sleeping again

 It took me about a month since the last major incident (thanks for the insomnia-inducing stress, boss), but I'm finally sleeping again.  It feels a bit tentative and I'm cautiously optimistic.  For some reason I keep waking up about 4:15 am, and I'm not here to get up that early.  But I've been able to go back to sleep a bit.  I've got this whole sleep hygiene thing revving up at full blast.  Starting by 8 pm, last night I started listening to Calm app informational posts (they're great, usually less than eight minute).  I'm also trying another app, but I am less enthused about their posts and I'll probably drop that one.  I snuggled with the dog while they ran, and I got progressively more sleepy, and when I went to bed, it was maybe only 15 minutes of listening to "Why We Sleep" before I was asleep. I'm still not convinced I'm getting enough deep sleep, the kind that really restores, but it's pretty significant progress to not be up past 3 am.  

I'm pretty stoked that the glucose monitor is off now - no more screaming alerts about low blood sugar.  I'm supposed to go get one of the finger prick tests to verify that data about hypoglycemia.  I don't know how much I will - I have very little confidence in the health care provider I've been seeing, so what will more information do.  I'm just trying to find somebody better and insurance is in the way.  I have very good insurance except for those not in network - so like the doctor I was supposed to see next week, they just let me know that they aren't a "medical home" so I'd be out of network with my insurance.  I'm glad they told me, which I confirmed.  That's the difference between free care and hundreds of dollars of payments.  Ugh.  Once they're established, I'll reconsider.  Plus, it's way on the other side of town so not convenient.  And I have an appointment the following week with a doctor who doesn't take insurance at all, it's a monthly payment for unlimited access - and I like that idea for figuring this high triglyceride situation and possibly now this hypoglycemia situation - but I'm not sure that labs she orders will be covered like they are now (which is great).  So ... yeah.  And yes, I have the means to pay $$ for medical treatment, but having such great coverage through my insurance makes me resistant if I'm not sure it will be so much better than the mediocre care now.  

Anyway. 

The woman I met the other day who is a kindred spirit - I think she really helped shift my thinking again.  (She called me again yesterday, and we have plans to meet up when we're in the same area in a couple of weeks.)  I am not crazy.  This place is weird.  I've always known that, I can't let this weird passive aggressive toxic positivity get to me.  I have goals and focus, and their nonsense cannot derail me from executing my retirement plans.  I got into it yesterday again with my boss and some other people who were trying to gaslight, and I just call it out.  This is ridiculous.  The office manager refuses to put things in writing because then he has to be accountable for that, and when I push for it in writing he claims he said something different, which puts people who followed his directives into a really bad spot.  The thing they don't realize is that they have poked this bear, and I will roar.  And they can bitch about my roaring all they want, but they need to fucking stop poking me if they want me to quiet down.  Just leave me the fuck alone.  Seriously.  You provide nothing of value. 

So yeah, I'm a fucking delight.  And now I'm rested so super delightful about the bullshit.  

In more exciting news, my roof panels for the woodshed are finally supposed to arrive today, so I'll try to knock off work early to work on those.  I need to cut the ends of the crossbeams, cut and attach some end rafters (after I buy the wood), attach the ridged connection pieces, then attach the roofing panels.  It seems easy, but having never done it before, it takes me fucking forever to do this stuff.  So grateful for Friend's willingness to help.

That's really the rub - this place is so fucking weird and people are so wretched, except that I've also forged the closest relationships with some people.  So there are always exceptions.

I've also taken off the Fitbit as I got so done with sensors and monitors.  I may start wearing it again someday, but I need a break from the constant stream of data and tracking.  I also really look forward to not needing the Calm app to go to sleep - I do not like having my phone in my bedroom.  I've always been firm about that and I look forward to enforcing my rules again.  Soon I'll keep with the long calming period before bed and not plan to listen to anything while in bed - I can read a bit if needed, but no phone, no computer.  Hopefully that will work.  

OK, time to roll with work.  Another day, another dollar.  And they best not try to fuck with me today. 

bland gods

 Sometimes through work I need to talk to people who are similarly professionals, and my favorite is when they are not from here.  I sort of test the waters, if they're like me, disgusted by the mediocrity here.  The last two have been home runs, and our venting has been such a balm for my chafed hide.  We talk about the food, the people, the communication patterns - and we commiserate from deep in our souls.  Today was especially wonderful - I found a true kindred spirit.  I definitely perked up when we got on the call and I saw that she is Black.  I have better luck with this game if someone is not of the dominant culture.  Maybe I start with the bland food - we usually run with that.  The lack of spice.  She was fucking hilarious - "So often when I eat out here, I feel like I want to demand my money back.  Hell, I WANT THOSE CALORIES BACK."  Oh same, girl.  Same.  

Oh and we ran everywhere with this.  Random thoughts.  "I saw that child with the dirty face and all I could think was how much I wanted to wash his face.  You understand, you came here from Louisiana, you know Black folks.  WE NEED A CLEAN FACE."  I laughed and said, "And don't forget the washcloth!  I can't tell you how much tension I've had there, because that's not how I was raised.  LIke first time sleeping at my Black boyfriend's house, of course he set out a washcloth, of course I said it wasn't necessary, of course we could never really come back from that."

Were we professional?  Oh hell no.  She's constantly in trouble at work for being "mean."  That was a fucking record scratch right there because I was like, WAIT HOLD UP, WHAT?  YOU??  And then "Wait, I'm in trouble for that too!  I'm so sorry you're going through it, but kindred spirit."  "Same, but I love not feeling alone!" 

The thing is this.  In New Orleans, in my favorite African nation, in my favorite places - I have these kind of conversations with strangers all the time in random places.  My authentic self, their authentic self, we find things in common and we dig in and we laugh.  It's the truest magic that I know, that connection.

And I almost never have it here.  This is a place so sanitized that the magic got wiped away.  It's people who are so fake, I - and my kindred spirit - want to scream.  

She has to stay here because of divorce and custody.  "It feels like a prison sentence almost, I'm counting the months ..." So then I gave her the count of how long I have to be here for salary advantages, before I can leave.  TO THE DAY.  Almost to the hour. 

She's the coolest person I've met in like forever, and I can't even express how amazing it feels to not feel alone here.  

Don't get me wrong - I chum it up with people all the time.  I try to chatty chat.  But it almost always feels weird.  This though - our shared authenticity.  Fuck.  I want so much more of that.  oh, and how we could talk over each other (bouncing from the end of one's thought to the beginning of the other's) without it being rude interrupting? What's that called?  I love it.  

She totally made my day.  That conversation totally made my day.  My week.  My month.  

I know that I am not crazy because I don't fit in with these pale fake tight-lipped folks.  And I am not going to sacrifice my authentic self to their bland gods.  

Fuck that. 

low plateaus - lessons of the continuous glucose monitor

 When I first got the continuous glucose monitor, about two weeks ago, I adjusted the alarms to stop alerting every time I went hypoglycemic because it made me crazy.  But there is a minimum alarm, below 55 mg/dL, that is impossible to turn off.  It hasn't gone off every night, but several.  Twice last night.  And recently, multiple times during the day.  In the past two days, my blood sugar has been low a lot (in the red zone 10% of the time), and I couldn't sleep much last night.  Today, I was struggling to get it up to stay in normal range.  And I haven't been hungry.  So I made a microwave cookie and bumped it up and I felt good for the first time all day.  Up to a good-ish level (119), and now falling again.  I know now to eat at bedtime if I'm hungry because otherwise I'm insomniac and I face the day feeling awful.

And I definitely do not have diabetes.  Over two weeks my glucose rarely got up to 140; only once 150 (orange chicken and fried white rice).  Pasta alone caused a big spike - I think with a salad first or protein, that would be ok.  Brown rice didn't spike me.  Nor did potatoes (I roasted and ate some today with arugula).  So that's good news.  

If I do a CGM again, I'll do better about food diary to keep a better record instead of just paying attention day of.  I won't remember which days I ate pasta in the future.  

But I do think that this hypoglycemia is something to sort out.  And I have two medical appointments coming up, to try out new doctors.   

This weekend was free Apple TV, and I watched the series Sugar.  I actually really liked it, critics be damned.  Colin Farrell always delivers.  

I'm starting to dread going to bed since I'm having so many insomnia issues.  The Calm app has helped but not 100%.  I'm going to try another app and see what's up. 

same-same

 The scale today says I'm at the same weight as the last two weeks.  I think it would have been higher, but I pushed myself really hard yesterday.  

I finished a book that was set in a fictionalized version of my hometown - it was super weird to have all the landmarks, streets, businesses, etc. identified exactly but with a slightly different name.  But the effect it had on me was to remind me where I come from and who I am, and that things like rain don't stop me.  So I handled a bunch of outdoor chores in the rain, including getting a load of compost that turned out to be super wet and heavy.  Hauling that shit took it out of me and I'm sore today, and I was hypoglycemic all night.  I also couldn't sleep like at all, so I feel like absolute shit.  The poor dog won't get a walk today, though Friend will come over for a few things so the woodshed roof is hopefully ready to be installed when it arrives.  Basically I need her to push on the posts and I can reconnect them better squared up, and then hold boards so I can install framing.  The whole "$240 and five hours" to build your own woodshed is a load of crap as it was more than double both of that so far.  But we're nearly done, so yay.  And hopefully she'll tire the dog out with play. 

too much bingeing

 Well, this little hiatus from my healthy habits has helped me realize that I do not have self-control with junk food.  So just not having it at all is how I'll need to be.  After a couple more treats.  

Actually, I'm quite looking forward to focusing back on health instead of these experiments with the glucose monitor.  It expires in a few days and i am glad.  Also very glad I'm not diabetic and don't have to test myself for real.  So now I have to keep it that way.

More vegetables, more activity.  Those are my next steps. 

budgeting

 Many many years ago, I started keeping track of how I spent my money.  I recall entering transactions onto a notebook while living in Friend's house, so that would have been 30 years ago.  I don't really know why I did it - I mean, of course I wanted to keep track of money and not overspend, and I had accounting training so I knew how to do it - but I just have.  

Now I know that there are programs and such, but I just graduated from a handwritten notepad to an Excel sheet, and it's worked well for me for decades.  I used to live on $800/month and now I earn considerably more, and this method has worked at all levels. 

But what I'm here to say is that I finished recording spending for 2024 and input onto my budget worksheet, and I was off $4.82.  I underspent by a few dollars from what I forecast FOR THE WHOLE YEAR.  

That is some next level finance prognostication shit right there.  

Now, my income was not that close.  I always underestimate income because then it's a pleasant surprise.  I don't forecast tax refunds, pay raises, etc., and that's my protection bubble.  I opened a new checking account last week, and the fellow asked what sort of overdraft protection I wanted.  I coolly responded, "I have never overdrafted in my life.  I don't need any protection."  And it didn't include the special projects that I'd saved for in a different pot of money, which I forecast on a different spreadsheet.  And I wasn't right on for all my categories - I underspent on the dog but overspent on the automobile (which is really for her, that I keep that old pickup), but overall - only $4.82 difference between what I spent and what I had expected to spend. 

I've adjusted amounts for 2025 and the budget is actually reduced by about 1%.  My mortgage payment is lower since I recast a few months ago, and I don't need to keep buying so many things to be settled in and my projects are nearly finished.  My clothing situation is adequate now, I will not spend another grand on my pickup.  And I am so aggressively saving for retirement.  

Today I realized that my dog may live to 16 or 17, which would be another six or seven years.  She was running zoomies with glee as we built the woodshed, and I realized that ever since I started giving her daily cosequin that I haven't seen any limping, and she seems to be aging in reverse.  I hadn't really planned for that.  I will not move her anywhere else - this is her last stop.  I try not to feel trapped.  This place is not horrible, but it is not home, and I look forward to seeking home. 

emptying the cupboards

 Not sure if this is an annual event for me, but it should be.  Emptying the cupboards and freezer is quite satisfying and leading to some interesting concoctions.  Tonight it's tapioca granules cooked and chocolate chips and damson plum syrup added.

What I'm finding is that my body seems to handle sugar better than I'd expected.  This continuous glucose monitor has been interesting to see how far away from diabetes I am.  So, that's very good news.  I can eat a candy bar (tried that yesterday) or anything short of the massive sugar spike of orange chicken with fried rice, and I'm good.  

But the thing is, I can feel how sugar is a poison to me.  I can feel the inflammation pain, the sluggish brain.  Sugar is adding very little to my life except weight.  But it's fun to know that I can eat through my cupboard where I did can some things with sugar.  I can make a pudding cake with canned plums, for example.  I just don't add more sugar.  I've been drastically cutting back sugar for decades, and now I've built some tools - like using dates instead.  Oh, that reminds me to make the no-sugar added persimmon muffins I've been plotting.  

I've only lived here for a year and half, so things shouldn't be much expiring on my shelves.  But I'll check it all.  I found an expired coconut milk but I think I bought it very close to expiration without realizing.  

And things that I won't eat - like perhaps the rest of these tapioca granules - I'll give away.   

I'm using more spices, I've realized.  I'm having to refill them more.  Which is great, and there's a market I really like on the way home from our weekly walks where I can get them in bulk.  

Yesterday I ran into someone I met through work, and he said, "Oh!  I was just thinking of you!  I haven't seen you in so long!  You are my favorite!" and I said, "Oh!  I just had sukuma wiki for lunch!" because he is Kenyan and our bond is that he knows I am not like the people here, like him, but less obviously.  The spices are the best in that dish - I use curry powder, turmeric, coriander, smoked paprika - very satisfying.  And, I got to use up a bag of greens that I froze a month ago, and some ground beef from the freezer.  Very satisfying indeed.  

I'm going to make pasta alla puttanesca tomorrow.  I had capers needing to be used, so I picked up some anchovies and spaghetti.  I'll check the blood sugar then with that massive carb load and see how I do. 

Today I had a massive burrito that was so good, but really it was just too fucking huge.  It was a Mexican food truck that a colleague had recommended to me at 11:30 am, and by 11:50 am I was driving there.  The guy was so nice and he undercharged me and I overtipped.  It was very tasty.  But again, way too big.  I am getting really angry about American food portions, as I'm having to throw away too much food if I try to eat out.  So, I'll be back there, but I'll ask him for something good but smaller.  Maybe a couple of tacos or something like that.  

When Friend and I were at the hardware store on Sunday, there was a load of lumber and I was trying to strap it in but rethinking my strategy, and a man came up and said, "You want to do it this other way," and I said, "Oh, yeah, that makes sense," and the next thing I knew, he had undone it and redone it all so much better.  He was so nice.  He was also super good looking.  I asked where he's from, and he said Nayarit, which is a place I was actually thinking of not long ago.  I should have gotten his number - I would hire him anytime.  It wasn't offensive at all - he wasn't calling me stupid because I'm a woman, he was just being helpful.

And frankly, that's what I miss by being here.  The colleague who recommended the taco place to me, I thanked for meeting with me on New Year's Eve, and I said that I miss being in New Orleans where people actually know how to take time off - like a week off at Mardi Gras.  I was just grumbling to make conversation, and he said, "Yes!  The South!  I'm from Tennessee!" and we were off.  

And what I realized, what became so crystal clear, is that I have to move back to the South.  I love it there - I love how people are friendly and welcoming and helpful - so much more connected than here.  We both love how much better the food is there - his rage about the awful food here matched mine, which has been hard to find.  I know people don't want to hear about how much I hate it here, and I try to shut up, and I'm here for at least a few more years and I need to make the best of it, but I just sometimes get so angry about what a bland unfriendly place this is and I have no idea how people can like it.  

To be fair, I got a very education in this place, which is why I moved here 33 years ago.  I had tried several other colleges and kept dropping out, but when I moved back from Germany I moved in with a friend in a town across the state, and somehow I ended up here.  Just trying it out a little at first, just a class here and there, and then I jumped in and studied until I kicked out for too many credits (which was only after a couple of years; I had too many credits because I took too many classes because I am too curious, and I started taking college classes for credit when I was in junior high).  I did very well in school here, but then I had absolutely no fucking idea of what to do with my life.  Like, zero idea.  I was offered jobs and I did some academic things, some the opposite, and then ... god, what did I even do then?  I can't remember.  Holy fuck, how is 1995-1997 a complete blur?  Anyway, but then I ended up at my high school reunion and had a conversation with a former classmate I barely knew, but he is so nice, and he told me about teaching in remote Alaska, and the next thing I knew, off I went.  I also tried some other places before then, but this whole region - it's not for me.  I knew that, and I searched the world, and I finally found home in 2006, when I landed in New Orleans to help with Katrina clean-up.  That was the first home I ever felt, and I found a second home a few years later in a tiny quirky African nation that I have the most amazing memories of.  When I think of happy places, it's almost always there - from the stunning beaches to the most beautiful people.  Yes, I know it's corrupt and difficult, and my former lover has been impeached, but I have never felt more alive at any time in my life than I did there.  Never did I laugh harder, love more passionately, have all my senses overflowing.  I don't think I can go back there - many of my beloveds are now dead or otherwise not there, and it's also a very hard place.  I don't have the energy any more, after the malaria there worked a number on me too much.  But I have the most incredible memories of that time, and of New Orleans. 

I need to find another place that feels like home, and be there.  And it's probably in the South, and probably not someplace with majority white people.  I feel so ill at ease here.  

Anyway, we've made progress on the wood shed - all the hardest parts are done, I hope.  That's pretty exciting.  I got thrown a curveball about my countertop install, as they told me to do some shoring up that I'm not sure how to do.  I think I'll defer to my construction fellow. 

Perhaps I'm nostalgic because I'm watching a movie now that takes place in Berlin just before the wall fell, and I moved there just after.  It was a very wild and crazy time to be there, and I explored that city quite thoroughly.  I still crave the corner falafel, so many years later.  It was a perfect sauce, with loads of red cabbage, and the man would squish it all together in the bread.  I would not say that Germany is home, though I was passing as a native by the time I left, but fuck me I love the food and coffee there.  So much more than France.  German breads are the best in the world.  

I probably have itchy feet for travel, and I just can't so long as I have the dog.  She was running zoomies today like crazy, not acting at all elderly.  But then I accidentally slammed her head with a door so hard, I feel awful.  She always fears me with power tools - now she fears me near anything.  She snapped at the countertop templater yesterday which really sucked - he's a huge dog person and he was really loving on her and she seemed fine, and I walked away for a minute and the next thing I heard was a snarl and snap.  I shouted and told her to walk away BECAUSE THAT'S ALL SHE EVER NEEDS TO DO WHEN SHE DOESNT' LIKE WHEN SOMEBODY IS PETTING HER.  She's like a fucking cat who makes you think she wants pets and then mercilessly scratches you.  What the fuck?  I mean, she doesn't do it to me at all, but everyone else can get it.  I felt awful and immediately locked her back up, but by the time he left he was the one apologizing for somehow offending her.  Fucking crazy dog.  Then she spent all night laying on my lap, sucking up to me.   

**

This morning I was awakened by news of the terrorist attack in New Orleans.  I do not know how to express my feelings.  It is horrific.  

**

My latest rabbithole is Glucose Goddess, a young French woman who mainstreams nutritional metastudies, with an emphasis on glucose spikes.  She has 10 "hacks" and I'm always fascinated by when I figured things out on my own.  For instance - I stopped eating sugar for breakfast in 2001.  I remember standing in my classroom and a student had just brought in a box of donuts.  I ate one and felt awful, and I recognized that I shouldn't have sugar before noon (sometimes a bit earlier if I'd had sufficient protein), and I've been solid on that rule I made for myself.  Or oatmeal - how many people have said it's a healthy breakfast, but it has never been that for me.  It makes me ravenously hungry nearly immediately and my blood sugar feels messed up all day.  Or juice?  I always knew that wasn't good for me as a breakfast food.  And so on. 

Oh look, science supports me.  I'm not an idiot.