and just like that, a plan

Recognizing that I am not in good condition between my pain and heat aversion and that I can't labor more than a few hours a day, and that while I have expanded my home improvement skills I'm still a novice, and that I've already tapped out most of my friends willing and able to help me labor with any urgency, and that I want to finish these repairs, I hired a guy.  He comes highly recommended by my realtor, and while my Spanish is very rusty it seems good enough and I'm learning new words.  He'll tackle things like replacing rotted stairwell riser, replacing an exterior door (in an unusual size which isn't available anywhere nearby so today I'll scour salvage places for a solid wood one that can be cut to size), putting in posts to address my fence issues, repair gates, repair front stairs, and completely redoing my kitchen. I like that he sees what I see, the dirt and damage, what needs to make it right.  

And now I try to find cabinets and this may be a challenge - the box stores have their stock quality but not all the pieces I need for a complete kitchen.

And then I may have him help me redo my bathroom, with the scratched porcelain toilet and cracked shower grout and vanity with extensive water damage to the fake wood.  I'm not making this my dream house, with custom real wood cabinets and shelving that is sized perfectly to me.  I'm going with the stock availability, hoping to get another 5-10 years out of the stuff.  This is not my permanent home - there are too many stairs and too many hurricanes to age here.  But this is a good house for many many reasons - the quiet spacious neighborhood, the attached apartment that covers more than half my mortgage, the ample exterior storage, the yards large enough for chickens and citrus trees.  It is a funky layout, with a strong Cuban aesthetic (lots of tile), and not perfect by any stretch.  It's got uneven floors (it was elevated but not leveled), a storage unit built of asbestos tiles, no great access to the backyard or any view of it from inside the house, en suite bedrooms mean you have to walk through them to get to a bathroom, and now of course a shit-ton of invasive plants.  I bought it inexpensively and it looks like it - this is not a nice house to be proud of, this is a place to live.  And it's fine.  If I were not going to do repairs or potentially buy another house if I'm moving, I could pay off the house once my other house sells - and a mortgage free life would make me very happy.  I hate the bank especially that owns this loan.  

So no, we still haven't closed on my other house and we're now like 3.5 weeks late and I've been gone more than a month.  While I have fantastic neighbors keeping an eye on the place, I'm still nervous about the house sitting empty like this for so long.  And I'm nervous that that the deal could still fall apart, even though the lender tells me it's very very close.  I dont' believe him.  I want the proceeds in my bank account and nothing else will make me happy at this point.  This has really gotten ridiculous.

And today I have the interview ("conversation") about the possible jobs in the Pacific Northwest and the more I think about the jobs the more astounded I am that the specific issues from my last job that I wanted to study and improve on system-wide are what these jobs would allow me to do.  These are brand-new positions that I don't think exist anywhere else, and that they are exactly what I used to cry "There's gotta be a better way!" about is ... well, it's incredible. I could shift my PhD focus to whichever job I may get and finish that while creating publishable work.  All while living an hour from best friends in the place where my favorite berries are from.  So yeah, I don't know what the future holds and if I really have a chance, though my friend is pushing it for sure, and i know the organization is unwieldy and dysfunctional, and that this is not a job I want forever, but if I put in three years and lived frugally and saved and rented out my current house, I would be in a good position financially and professionally.  And I don't know how badly my most recent boss Mr. Gaslighter wants to sabotage me or if there are stronger nearer candidates in the running or what, but I have to take this possibility seriously and show up for the interview.  Like, really SHOW UP.  Charm them.  Not obsess over the difficulties in finding housing there (it's the same place where I was offered a job a year and a half ago and I found a realtor and loan agent and tried to find a place to live but couldn't on that salary and so  stayed where I was; but these jobs will pay significantly more so there's more possibility).  

So that's my day - getting a bunch of supplies and finding a door and hanging laundry on the line and walking my dog and cleaning and interviewing and planting trees and getting shit done. 

culture shock

 It's less shock I guess, but I feel a definite discomfort being back in New Orleans.  This is probably to be understood when arriving to vastly warmer temperatures and an overgrown garden and grimy house and a still raging pandemic, but that's not all.

Today I went on an errand and had to use Google maps because I forgot where two main streets lay.  Since first moving to New Orleans 15 years ago, I've learned a lot of places and directions, yet I have nearly always had an unerring sense of direction - the streets flow and carry me along.  I'm not sure that's continuing.  The street I went out today was even more depressing than I remember it; punctuated with motels by the hour, it's a seedy place.  Back in the days when I still received the newspaper in physical form I remember reading a tiny little mention at the bottom of a back page of a young Asian woman who had been killed being hit by a car on this street, and she was unidentified.  I tried to follow the story but there was never again any mention of her.  I have very little doubt that she was a human trafficking victim trying to escape the awfulness of this reality, and her family back in her home will always wonder what happened to her.  It's that kind of tragedy that is everywhere.

On the flip side, I'm no longer haunted by HNIC's ghost - he's let me move on, us both bemused by his hilarious son.  I knew of the son long ago and all his mishaps, so it's fun to see things through his voice.  So I am no longer suffocating in the grief that led me to leave three years ago.

But I am feeling unmoored.  A little lost.  I dig in the dirt to clear plastic my tenant laid down (just ... don't ask), to plant more trees. It makes me feel a sense of place. But it's not in my marrow right now as it usually is.  Maybe because I'm always hiding from the sun.  

And maybe I'll settle back in, or maybe I'll leave.  All is undecided now.  Interview tomorrow.  

Time to do more work.  Trying to settle.  

***

On the flip side, there's a lot of things happening like what was just now - I called a company that I've been expecting from since last week, and she laughed.  "I just scanned that document to email to you right this minute. You'll see it as soon as we hang up."  Did I know she was thinking of me so I thought of her?  Maybe.  

schedule

  I am struggling with the heat, to be sure, and as everyone likes to remind me we ain't seen nothin' yet.  I think it's actually the direct sun that is so hard on me - if there are clouds or shade then I'm ok.  Well, closer to ok.  It's a struggle.

And the worst is of course in the heat of the day, from about noon to four.  I keep getting knocked out by it and feeling like sunstroke (whatever the mildest form of that is) and unable to move.  And then around 7 pm I start to feel human again and do some more things, but then it's bedtime again, and then I get up and I spend an hour drinking coffee so it's already hot out when I walk the dog and she is trying to drink from mud puddles because she's so heat exhausted after just a few blocks. 

When I first moved here in 2006, I came in June, and I was full-time volunteering with Habitat for Humanity.  I was up there roofing with the rest of them in the heat of the day with long sleeves.  I think I adjusted to the climate ok because of that - no in and out of AC.  But now? We get so heat exhausted that we take shelter in the 75 degrees of the inside.  My realtor friend came over the other day and talked of opening up the house, how she doesn't like to use air conditioning. The thought of that turned me into a slug unable to move.  I know I should, but I already have a merciless sun beating at my front windows and it's only 6:30 am.  I have my shades drawn as protection.  

Everyone I saw yesterday said "Oh, what a nice day it is."  Really?  I'm scorching here.  And by "everyone" I mean two people - the citrus tree dealer who is Cajun, I know because he referred to his "coon-ass" relatives in pronouncing my name (he says it the right way).  So his family has been in the bayous for many generations.  And the other person was a woman raised in West Africa who's lived here for decades - she was really delightful and we hit it off and shared our life stories as we devoured the blackberries in my front yard.  So to them, yes, this is lovely.  But to me and the Catahoula, this is oppressive sun beating down on us.  

And I need a plan to deal with this, and I'm thinking siesta.  What if I sleep less at night - maybe more like midnight to 5 am, giving me late-night and early-morning productive hours without the heat- and nap during the day, like 2-4 pm?  I know siestas are a real thing for pretty much this reason, it's just that I've never been able to nap well.  What if I only allow myself to watch TV when it's bright and hot outside, and use the other hours to work (which is the opposite of what we've had, when I needed to capture all daylight hours for working, not leisure)?  

I am making some progress in all the work I have to do, and I even made what are to me some hard decisions like the $2K on new appliances.  Plans are vaguely forming and I've got estimates coming in for a lot of things.  I need new gutters and an exterior paint job with lots of fascia repair for sure.  I need windows repaired and an exterior door replaced.  I need to get new kitchen counters and something with the cabinets, but I'm not doing the fancy renovation I'd anticipated.  I need gates repaired and just so many other things like that.  Those are things I need to supervise; other things I'm still doing myself include all interior painting and landscaping (which is a massive undertaking) and regrouting showers.  A friend of a friend of a friend has a chainsaw and I need to get some trees down. And i need to keep cleaning and organizing because I'm not done - the boxes I mailed to myself are slowly trickling in.  I picked up two more yesterday so still waiting on five; most are books but one is still important things like my Berkey water filter. 

Which leads me to another concern - I am constantly dehydrated and tap water tastes awful here and I don't like plastic.  But even in the best of circumstances, I never drink enough water.  I have to fix that. 

I especially need ample water because I keep having bouts of diarrhea.  I wish I could figure out what causes but it seems all over the place and not directly linked to any one food.  A few years ago I tried intermittent fasting, and I had to stop because any time I'd eat after fasting I'd have awful diarrhea. Seems like that's still happening if I go long without eating, or if I eat anything fried ... or arugula.  Or drink coffee, but only sometimes.  And so on.  I found a nutritionist I may see - this idea came because my friend's ex-boyfriend sees a nutritionist here and she says it makes ALL the difference - when he's on his nutrition game, everything is different for him - his mood, his motivation, his appearance, his well-being.  And he can't eat hardly anything, but it's transformational.  I too would love to not be constantly plagued with pain likely from inflammation, or riddled with anxiety and other issues likely related to my gut health.  So the nutritionist who caught my eye does a full gut panel including for parasites and such - and honestly it's kind of insane that I *haven't* done that before.  I have lived for years in "third-world" countries and I used to have an iron gut so abused myself.  I recall getting super sick in Mexico City after eating a squash blossom taco from a street corner and how it took months to resolve, and it never fully resolved.  That was almost 20 years ago and I've been limping along since (literally because I tripped and broke my ankle on that same trip and just kept hobbling along, learning years later that I have repeatedly broken my ankle).   

It's not that I'm adamantly opposed to doctors - I mean, I see doctors.  Occasionally.  Like once a year on average.  But I've been burned by some really bad doctors and so I'm slow to trust, and why has only one said, "Hey, you should see someone about testing for parasites based on all the places you've been" - but that's when I was somewhere that I couldn't do that.  

The concern I have about this nutritionist is if she's going to push a lot of supplements which I'm not down for.  Shit's expensive and I've never experienced it work.  And my other fear is ... what if I've felt like shit for decades because of how I eat and that's entirely reversible but it means I can never again eat wheat, dairy, nightshades, legumes, sugar?  That is a really hard life to live for me.  

But the other reality is that my weight is limiting me.  I don't need to be svelte but I need to drop a good 50 pounds for mobility and taking stress of joints.  I don't binge eat, but I eat when I'm hungry, and I don't really deny myself much.  Clearly my metabolism can't handle it.  

And now is a really good time to potentially make substantial dietary challenges - I've just returned and my cupboards are bare.  Before I stock up, I could make different pantry decisions and set up systems focusing on fresh produce again.  So I think now is the time and it's worth seriously considering.  

Perhaps because I'm busy with a lot of things, I'm not missing having a job at all.  There's also the money that will come in if my house up north ever sells (the buyer's lender called me friday to tell me it's really really close, but I'm almost giving up hope).  I have the Pacific Northwest job interview on Tuesday and while the jobs sound really perfect for me, I don't want to move.  And if I do have to move, I don't want to do it anytime soon.  Things like doors are backordered for months and I need to take care of everything before I leave again.  Just things like getting a dishwasher are complicated - find an Energy Star one on sale, take delivery of it (three weeks from now), arrange electrician to come to put in outlet, arrange carpenter to come and cut space out, arrange plumber to come and fully install it correctly. I could probably do some of those pieces myself, but every house I've lived in with a dishwasher where homeowners have done it has led to problems.  Like leaking rotting floorboards.  I don't need that shit and I'd rather spend more money and have it done correctly.  There are just a lot of steps, and talking on the phone is sometimes really hard for me, so I have to take it step by step.  Bird by bird.  

And for now that means putting on sneakers and walking the dog, then more laundry and hanging it on the line, and ... going step by step from there, not getting overwhelmed or overheated. 

It's a Sunday and it's going to be hot. 

weed report

 Apparently my tenant never met an invasive plant that she wasn't compelled to plant in my front yard. 

Please don't commiserate with tales of losing these battles because I have to believe that I can get my yard back under control.  

List of what I've identified:

- bamboo ("it's not the invasive kind" she said.  Clearly that isn't true and also it's not an attractive bamboo for me)

- elephant ears are taking over and it's windy and their leaves get all ripped up and yuk

- roses - ok these aren't invasive but they grow like crazy and their thorns rip at my clothes and skin constantly

- wedelia - it's taking over the sidewalk

- shepherd's needles (bidens alba/pilosa) is most visible now all over everywhere

- arundo donax was just ID'd, a very tall cane that's taking over

- ruellia sp. (perhaps simplex)  

- campsis radicans (trumpet creeper vine) 

- phytolacca americana (pokeweed) 

- tradescantia (spiderwort)

I'm going to keep a running record here if I encounter more so I remember what I'm working with.  Sigh. 

I can't even ID most of the plants in my yard so I keep asking FB groups for help, and they rarely have good news. Nearly every plant I look up is a noxious aggressive spreader.

Why didn't she plant "Louisiana Super Plants" or other things that aren't noxious weeds?

Sigh. 

If I get the job in the PNW and it pays well and I have to go, I'll hire a professional landscaper to come in and tame the beast.  But that's going to be a big chunk of change and I just got a quote for painting that is even higher than I feared, so for now at least I'm looking at my own two hands to handle this mess. 

I got trees!

 It already seems too hot but my citrus dealer tells me it's still ok to put trees in the ground, so I jumped in the middle of a thunderstorm.  Key lime, meyer's lemon, calamondin, and owari satsuma.  I eyed a cara cara as well and he only had one left, but I wanted to just stick with my list.  I also wanted a fuyu persimmon but he only had the native type - which is still quite nice, but I live for fuyu.  

I've learned not to put trees like this is in the front yard because at least twice a lemon and lime has been stolen (and a lovely crepe myrtle as well at my old house).  So these will all go in the backyard, staggered placement between a thriving loquat and a bushing pomegranate.  I do still have space along the perimeter for a couple more, leaving still a large lawn area in the back, and that cara cara does call to me.  They are awesome fruit.  

The guy I bought them from is great.  "Now, you put my phone number on speed dial and you call me with any other questions that you have."  He does a nice middle ground - super knowledgeable but not pushy with his wisdom.  I bet he'd hold that cara cara for me if I called.  We talked a lot about blackberries, which I have in my front yard and now I have inspiration for a trellis that would work much better than the current sprawl. 

We've been having storms like crazy here, and when he said "let's move this before the rains come" it satisfied me greatly.  I also say "the rains" and a California friend once laughed at me and I thought maybe I got it from one of my favorite authors, Bessie Head of Botswana, but it's a thing here too.  I think I heard some people have even died in these storms - lots of flash flooding.   

So, getting these trees in the ground is now on my list with a whole lotta other things, like regrouting showers and other fun things.  My list is very long, but I'm almost nearing a tipping point with feeling more on top of things because I can start unpacking.  It is perplexing to me how filthy this house is.  The room that was definitely the cleanest still took six buckets of Fabuloso water to get clean.  That's insane.  

I have a job interview next week for the PNW job my friend is trying to get me.  Or a "conversation."  I really don't want to leave - obviously, as I'm preparing the house as if to stay - but the content of these jobs is bizarrely aligned with issues I had in my last job.  things that made me kept saying "We have to do this better!" and I struggled with it - I would be figuring out that better way.  I would be transforming systems.  That's too much to just not even try.  And the pay may be good enough to make it worthwhile.  If I didn't have the dog, it would be really easy for me to be back and forth between here and there, but it's not feasible because of her and I would need to move there.  But i would keep this house because if I leave for three years again I'll come back to some awesomely producing citrus trees.

OK, on to the next tasks. 

slowly slowly

 I feel like everything I'm doing is in slow motion.  The heat is definitely affecting me, not in a good way.  I keep needing breaks.  And I can get a little overwhelmed.  And errands take longer than I remember.  

But there are some victories.  Like, my tenant took my mattress and left in its place a very stained one.  It wasn't necessarily uncomfortable, but for the cat urine smell.  So, that went to the dump.  And on the bed were sheets and blankets with dried cat urine.  Ugh.  One of the sheets was mine and it's fairly comfortable and still in good shape but for the dried cat urine, so ... down a rabbit hole I went.  I ended up with a storage tub filled with Tide, oxygen cleaner, and vinegar.  Soaking, soaking.  Wash on warm, on the line ... and presto, I see no urine at all.  Here's hoping the sun and wind (both are strong today) will knock all that awful smell out, too.  I'm very excited.  Also curious how her cat pissed on my bedskirt, but very happy it is not stained.

Other things that take time include digging roots out of ground because they have fucked up my fence.  We've got the fenceboards up and once the sun goes down a bit I'll hopefully finish up screwing them on the bottom as well, but there are some knotty spots the dog and I dug on this morning.  It appears to be cats claw and elderberry and I don't even know what else, but cats claw is the bane of my existence, so this is war.  It's beautiful dirt there, which I'd worked and improved because I used to plant okra there.  Maybe I will again.  

So much work to do, and to do it right takes time.  My tenant paid somebody to clean the house, just as I had previously when I bought it, and both of those people did a really awful job.  It's filthy and grimy and gross.  The one room I've really scrubbed down almost sparkles it looks so good.  I'd forgotten how nice these paint colors are and what a good job I did.  Once I scrub off the grime, I remember.  

I'm still stuck in decision-making, too.  How much do I upgrade?  In my bathroom, somehow tenant destroyed the toilet seat.  Like, how do you even do that?  So I spent $20 on a new seat, plus $35 on a bidet attachment, and that's easy. But ... that medicine cabinet is still ok I guess.  Do I caulk and paint it?  It's not even real wood.  Do I take it down with everything else and paint the bathroom?  It's ok I guess like it is, some spots here and there.  Just these types of decisions start to get a little overwhelming.

The wind howls in my house and I fucking hate it.  I've had people look for the issue but it remains unresolved.  It might be up in the attic and I know I need to climb up in there but it's not a pleasant task.  So I get stuck with this wind whistling aggravation. 

**

Oh, New Orleans, trying to make my life a porno.  I have downed lines in my frontyard and so I called to make sure they're not live.  The truck came and has been sitting out there in the downpour so I went out to ask what's up.  The guy is so good looking I almost gasped.  And nice, and effective.  He'll take care of it for me though it's not hazardous, he's just waiting for the downpour to stop.  What I said: "Cool, thanks!"  What I wanted to say: "Why don't you come inside my house and wait for the rain to stop by having sex with me?"  And honestly, if The Young Man weren't on his way shortly, I might have.  I'm not going to assume that every man wants to have sex with me, not at all.  But why not ask?  New Orleans does provide pretty well for me sexually - there was that carpenter who came to do work on my house when I was renting and the guy installing cable on my block (who is hoping to see me next week).  And he seemed to also give me that look and even kind of stuttered (which could be a speech impediment but seemed he was kind of shy and stumbling for words while looking at me standing in the rain).  

Thank you for the very attractive men, New Orleans.

a week

 I've now been back for a week and I wish I'd accomplished more, but I'm plugging along.  I've a plan for the fence and will start on that tomorrow, but the cost of materials is pushing the non-urgent sections down the list.  I'm just ticking through the list.  Got my house under termite contract.  Got garage door fixed.  Met with a first carpenter (whom I won't hire).  Got contact for another carpenter whom I might hire.  Starting to really talk about the kitchen and ripping it apart. Slowly cleaning.  Backyard getting under control, venturing finally into the front yard and yanking the most obnoxious of weeds, but there will be so much work to do there.  Why did she plant obnoxious invasive plants?  How did she not know their nature in this climate?  Why did she use asbestos tile for edging (my paramour is an expert in these things of asbestos and the like, and he was all "Where on earth did she even get these?!").  Getting back into habits of lawnmowing and laundry on line drying. 

I'm getting pushed into hiring a GC or firm to help with my kitchen remodel, and I just don't want to.  It's a small kitchen, about 10x10, with doors on either end, so the setup is really simple.  I want Ikea cabinets because they have super cool features already built in that I can choose from and they're inexpensive and very well built and I can assemble them.  I can even install them myself with help, but I would like somebody skilled to help because of things like uneven flooring.  I'd like to remove a structural wall and I may pay $3K for that but first I want to talk to my realtor.  

**

And now a couple days later.  Time is running so fast as I keep having to take breaks to cool down.  The heat is rough, man.  

My friend in PNW sent me the job announcements she's REALLY pushing for me to get, demanding that I apply for them this weekend to interview next week (even though they JUST listed).  It would require moving, and ... that is so overwhelming.  The pay is pretty good, benefits good, and it would be equidistant from two of my best friends (an hour to each).  I don't like living in the Pacific Northwest but the jobs as advertised are actually quite interesting to me, and I just looked at the housing market and it's not as insane as some other places.*  I couldn't afford it when I was offered a job there 15 months ago, but these jobs pay significantly more, so it's a possibility.  I could potentially telecommute for a couple of months to wrap things up here, maybe flying there for a week a month or something like that.  My friend hasn't been in the office in a year and telecommuted the last few months from South America, so there is likely some flexibility (though these job possibilities would require more in-person, which is fine especially if there can be some balance like not going to the office EVERY day, and if I could find a house walking or biking distance from the office that would be amazing).  

I really don't want to leave New Orleans but I'm coming to enough peace to plan to apply for these jobs.  They would be opportunities to transform a system that I struggled with repairing, and I could use those skills to transform elsewhere - like Louisiana or up north where I struggled.  These are new positions and are really pie in the sky, which is exciting and daunting.  I don't know what my realistic chances are of getting one or the other, but my friend is pushing her colleagues HARD for me. She really wants me there.  And she's good people, we're good friends.  We're the kind of friends who shared food through grad school, and when I went to her house for the first time a few weeks ago, I just started cleaning the countertop and got out plates to prepare food without asking where things were or anything.  We have that level of comfort which is really nice.  So I'll go for it and see what happens. 

And I could rent this house out.  The property management company I used before is still around and doing better than ever - they were brandnew when I used them and they got an awful tenant for me, but they seem to be thriving now and have super high reviews from tenants and owners.  I could just pay them to do everything for me, which would be a relief, and would reduce tax liability from rental income.  Because I still have to come back here for at least a year for retirement purposes, and as long as Ziggy is alive I need a house with a yard, so it does make sense to hang onto the property.  And some of the things I planned to do anyway I could deduct as rental repairs, so win-win. 

So I've come to a peace with the possibility that I won't stay here forever.  That we may be loading up the truck and heading out in a few months.  It's a remote possibility, but I needed to be ok with it before applying and sabotaging my chances.  It would change the nature of the work I'm doing in my home (no more fancy kitchen remodel), but I won't stress because it sounds like they're in a hurry to hire so I wouldn't be on hold forever waiting to learn.  I have enough work that I have to do either way, like finish up the damn fence.  I need to put an hour in on that before I head out to my day's commitments, then come back and a friend will help hopefully finish it today so the hound can run free.  She got a long walk this morning (long for us) and we walked past the house where her friend Baby lived when we were here before.  She planted her feet and stared longingly at the backyard, willing him to come out and say hello to her.  She wouldn't leave, her hoping so earnest.  She's a funny dog.  I do hope he's there, though I have doubts as his person was trying to sell the house.  

OK, outside to work.  Just for an hour and hopefully the heat doesn't kill me.  Hat on, sunscreen on, plan in place.  

*A friend just called me out for buying and selling houses so fast: "You don't realize the benefits until you've owned them for years.  This doesn't make sense why you keep doing this."  My response is: of course I would prefer to rent but it's not feasible with the crazy pants dog - I need to have control of everything including fencing strength and neighborhood knowledge.  But also: the house that I'm currently selling (set to close early next week), I'm making a significant profit - I not only lived rent-free for ten months but I'm making money on it and all I did was paint the interior and fix lights and hire somebody to build the backyard fence; that would make my time spent on sprucing up my home worth like $300/hour which is so much more than I make in my job, and I might be able to figure out a way around short-term capital gains but even if I don't I'll just be paying tax on profit income which is not the end of the world.  The house before that I broke even, so I got to live in a beautiful house in a wonderful neighborhood and have it cost me less than rent for 16 months.  So, am I seeing benefits before owning for ten years and paying down principal?  Fuck yeah I am.  I have made money on all of the properties I've bought and sold, even though the real priority is my quality of life while living in it.  I garden and do fun projects because I can, because it's mine.  And someday I'll probably want to live in a condo where other people do this kind of work, and I'll be able to pay cash for it because of the work I've done along the way.  So, I'm pretty solid in my decisions on this point. 

has it only been two days back?

 I was kind of beating myself up for not being finished securing the yard for the dog, but ... I've only been back for two days?  I'm rebuilding a goddamn fence plus numerous other things.  My neighbor just agreed to redo the fence on his side, leaving me two more sides to work on.  There are trees to clear and various other impediments but all the fenceboards are rotten AF and if I don't do all this, my dog will break through the fence and kill the neighbor's dog.  And so I make another trip to Lowe's for more fenceboards and screws, and my neighbor helps me out as he so often does.  It's kind of a mess right now but it'll all be good soon enough.

I haven't unpacked because I haven't thoroughly cleaned.  That will happen when the weather makes the outdoor work I have to do less possible.  I see so many projects that it's overwhelming, but I've actually done well for only two days. 

I also got laid which was rather important to me as I'm entering the use it or lose it phase of life, and I have no interest in losing it.

***

Now I'm like Day 4 or 5 back, and I'm sort of spinning in circles but also getting things done.  It's just a lot to do.  My Young Lover was surprised there wasn't visible damage, but I see so much grime.  It is slow going to scrub it all off, though I will because it makes a tremendous difference.  But it includes things like grimy window shades, and the nice kind of shades I'm not spending thousands to replace, so I need to clean each slat and restring them.  Just as one example.  And there is SO MUCH PLASTIC AND STYROFOAM in my backyard.  She did things like lay down a tarp in an area and put plates on it to hold it down ... and then do nothing more for three years.  So grass grew over it, and I'm dealing with broken pieces of plates and strands of tarp, and she did this in at least six different areas of the yard, probably more.  And why so much other trash?  I just don't understand.  And why would she plant things in the way?  Like, why have a tree or elephant ear where you need to walk?  So I need to dig things up and move them, and rehome the roses that took over my entire front yard.  I'm not fond of roses, I detest pink, so what do you think is growing in my yard that is not weeds? 

Here's the thing, though.  She died.  Last week.  Like three weeks after moving out of this house, she died in her sleep.  And it's very sad and she was my friend and I will miss her and her family is absolutely devastated.  So this also means I cannot vent about the ridiculousness of what she did in my house to anyone because that means I'm disrespecting the dead.  I am sorry that she died and I don't think I or this house had anything to do with it.  I hope that I too can pass away in my sleep before old age destroys me, but it is still sad.  And I will keep a rosebush to honor her memory, and I will always speak of her virtues because I will never know who knew her.  And only under my breath will I disparage her, while digging up strands of plastic and beads of styrofoam.

And I have to renovate the kitchen - it did not weather this storm well.  Water damage and things like destroying the board under the sink by leaving a leaking bottle of bleach there.  I'm afraid of what we'll find when we rip out these cupboards.  Oh, and don't get me started on the rusting out refrigerator she replaced mine with, or the cat urine smelling mattress she put in place of mine.  Or the things she'd asked me to leave for her use and have now disappeared - though she sure left me a lot of junk.  

OK, that's enough venting.  I'm just a bit fixated right now on getting things repaired.  The fence is a key priority so the Catahooligan can be fully contained.  

And this work makes me exhausted.  

It's good to be home, I'm just very tired.

here I am

 New life, new blog.  Driving back to New Orleans the tumbleweeds caught my eye and I thought it a good blog title.  They're from my past, I drove past them.  

The dog and I are very tired from the very long journey, and I have so much to do.  I need to repair the fence to let her out to run, but first I need to figure out how much repair it requires, and first I need to weedwhack and mow so that I can better see the issues.  But first I need to get the lawnmower from my friend and learn how to use a gas machine (never have before) and get to the back of my storage to see how many fenceboards I have sitting there and see if I have screws and ... well, there are steps to everything.  I know I need to take them just one at a time, it's just a lot in the heat.  I know it's not that hot, but it is to me.  The sun is so direct and I needed to get sunscreen yesterday because my face keeps burning despite a hat.  

I need a nap already.