food limit

I think I finally found the limit to scavenging.

I eat foraged foods.  I have eaten dumpster dived food.  I have often eaten gleaned foods, ugly imperfect produce.  I eat things that fall on the floor (if I recently cleaned it).  I cut off mold and eat the rest; I eat berries likely with worms and wheat likely with weevils.  I don't care.  I eat most things that people eat all around the world; I turn my nose up at very little. 

But I think I reached my limit today.

The custodian knocked on my door and then reached deep down into the trash can that she pushes around.  I know that she reaches under the top bag into a bag underneath.  There was her bag, from which she pulled three dishes for me.  Greens, macaroni, turkey necks, pickled pork, I don't even know what all else.  A working class New Orleanian's Thanksgiving.

And I am so grateful.  So touched.  She said, "You don't have to thank me.  Don't thank me.  This comes to you from right here" and pointed to her heart. 

And I also cannot make myself eat it.  Whether it's the smell of the pork that turns my stomach or memory of the rustling garbage bags she pulled it from, I just can't.    

And I will carry this shame and guilt with me always.  

I will of course lie to her and tell her it was delicious, then gently say something I can't eat much pork or it messes with my stomach, to stop her from bringing me more.  

fall

Today I fell.  And it's not a big deal, definitely no concussion or anything.  But I am sure sore from it.

Have no idea why.  The dog and I had gone for a longer walk than usual, were having a good time.  As we approached my pickup, I just went down.  Hard.  My right ankle appears sprained.  It's of course swollen huge and painful.  My left knee took the brunt and it cut deep.  I probably could have used some stitches but I cleaned it and Neosporined it and called it good.  I didn't go down on my right knee which is good because it's already fucked.  I did something that's been really painful for weeks, feels like bone pushing out and it's numb.  

So my work plans which involved being on my knees and climbing ladders were out of the picture, and I had a lazy day.  Oh well.  Hopefully I rally soon because I have a lot of work to do.  

I don't remember every injury to my ankle, because I roll it not infrequently and once when xrayed I was told I've broken it at least twice in the past, but I remember at least three other times that the pain was this bad.  It's always from just walking, and these times are when I've been strong and in good health. 

I need a wakeup call about my health, and I was hoping it would be this but it's not.  I need to do strength training because despite being told by a 30-something friend that I'm her strongest friend, I am not anymore.  I need to do flexibility exercises regularly.  And I need to keep my heart healthy.   I would like to lose 60 pounds, but I also want to still be able to eat when I'm hungry, so I do need to get back into the habit of vegetables first.  This is the project that I would like to tackle next, my body.  And I can do that here or in the west living with my friend - she is always seeking a healthier life. 

farewell, Thanksgiving

 I'm having a sort of epiphany that it may be time for me to end the 9-5 office grind.  I'm too seasoned and grumpy for this shit, after 40 years (yes, I got my first office job as a teenager).  

So what can I do?

Maybe something remote.  I really like being home.  

But won't I get too isolated?  Sure. But that's where the other part of this plan comes in - I would then have capacity to get back into volunteering.  I've met almost all of my New Orleans friends through volunteering.  Unfortunately most of them have moved away and that has been really hard on me.  (Yes, I realize the hypocrisy in that statement.)  I could cultivate meaningful relationships this way.  

This is all dependent upon me not selling my house and not getting a good job back west in the next month or two.  I always want to have a plan b, and c, and d, and so on.

Anyway, it's Sunday morning and I've already been productive before 9.  Baked sourdough (it's ugly but it'll still be tasty - I have a hard time shaping very moist loaves, and I mixed it up with using a bunch of yogurt and rye).  Processed most of my bananas because I realized the stems were starting to develop mold because of where I'd stored them.  Oof.  So glad I caught it when I did, so they're peeled and in the freezer.  They are all perfectly ripe.  I'd hoped they'd be overripe to freeze for banana bread and such, but I"ll figure out other uses for these two gallons of little tasty bananas.  I finished a puzzle that I got for free.  It was a very enjoyable one, and shortly I'm off to pick up more for free, while on my way to drop off compost and pick up some free native seeds, to put into the bed that I just cleared of roselle.

I am bummed that I didn't harvest the roselle before it got smacked with the cold and it all went mushy.  I wanted to make jam.  Oh well.  

One of the hard things of living in the South is that there's never a down garden time. There's always a lot going on.  You don't put the beds to rest like you do up north.  I mean, it's also a really sustainable lifestyle, but it's always a lot of work to do things productively.  Or something just a lot of oversight to ensure there are no problems needing remedy.  Last year I got a bad harlequin bug infestation because I wasn't paying attention and then I didnt know what they were.  Now I know and they will be dealt with timely.  The greens are all looking really good and I've been sharing a lot and need to be eating more.

The Thanksgiving dinner from Costco was total trash and I ended up throwing a lot of it away (though tbh I also ate it more than once).  I've saved the turkey for a Samin Nosrat tikka masala recipe (I always love her).  But it got me thinking.

Thanksgiving has always been my favorite holiday.  Christmas is too consumer and hyped, Easter is creepy AF.  Fourth of July seems an excuse for violent "patriots" to come out to play.  I like the Carnival season but Mardi Gras itself is too boisterous for me. The rest are kind of minor.  But Thanksgiving was always the holiday I could get into, for a harvest festival giving thanks to the universe.  But I've had a change of heart for two reasons:

 1. It doesn't matter if I don't intend it to be valorizing colonization and genocide, it does.  Its mythology is rooted in those facts.  I don't have to dress up like a pilgrim to be part of a people who did really horrific things to gain control of this land.  And yes, many of my indigenous friends like to celebrate Thanksgiving.  They're not Wampanoag, and they can have their own reasons.  It doesn't justify my ignoring other indigenous voices calling for it being a day of mourning rather than celebration.  

2.  Like most Americans, Thanksgiving is really more about the food and microcultural traditions.  I have happy memories of the Friendsgiving we celebrated every year, with good friends and food.  But was the food that good?  I think really it's mostly about the gluttony.  So many people consider this a reason to overeat.  And I'm not judging them, because feasting and fasting cycles are deep in our DNA, but I am saying this isn't healthy for me.  I caught myself eating that trash Costco Thanksgiving meal, realizing I wasn't even enjoying it but was going through motions of a half century where I thought it was supposed to give me pleasure.  Even the pre-Thanksgiving feast at work - it tasted good but that's because it was so heavily salted and so fatty.  So very very fatty.   So it was satisfying, but so not good for me.  Honestly I didn't overindulge in terms of how much I ate of it, just one small plate.  But it was really not healthy food.  Which is fine sometimes, I'm not a food purist.  But why are we holding up gluttony as our national holiday? 

So, yeah.  I guess I say farewell to Thanksgiving.  Not sure what I'll replace it with.  An indigenous friend invited me to go to a gathering at land being reclaimed by an indigenous woman who needed some planting help.  I have no time to do things like that, especially because it's hours away and I'd have to get dog care.  (I have a coworker who has said she'll watch the dog, but she was out of town, though we should set that up for the future, like have them meet. The woman is very petite and the Catahoula is a massive bully, so we have to be sure they're ok.)

Anyway.  Time for errands and then time for caulking and hardware installation and all the things.  It'll be a good day because the sun is finally back. 

gloom

I like rain.  I've lived most of my life in very rainy places.  I adjust. 

But I'm over it now.  It's been raining for days and killing my long weekend when I want to be doing outdoor things.  Some interesting outdoor things but also the dreary like laundry (hang on line), dog walks, grass cutting, weeding.  I don't want to do these things in rain.  I did some big work this morning before rain (ripping out roselle hibiscus that got wiped out with the cold we had) but I didn't have time to cut before the rain came. 

And normally this isn't a big deal - the pile of branches will wait until i get to it.  But I'm on deadlines because of wanting to sell house.

And I am soooo over painting.  Good grief.  I went to look at the trim paint I did in the gloom of yesterday, and it wasn't great.  Another full coat, and I'll still see issues tomorrow when it's hopefully brighter again.  I put little paint on my brush to avoid dripping or spreading and that's a precise act that needs better lighting. 

What would I rather be doing in this gloom?  Putting together a puzzle, drinking cocoa, baking bread, quilting, reading.  I do have sourdough in process which is also throwing my timeline because I don't want to be sticking my hands in bread dough when they have paint or caulk on them.

collapse

The other night I had a very vivid dream that my house was collapsing.  Several times I woke up to grab on before the bed fell through the floor. Which, of course, it didn't.  And no, there was no earthquake.  I just kept waking up certain that the piers holding up my house were failing.  Which they're not.  

But it kind of freaked me out.  I hardly ever remember dreams, and this was a doozy.  Dream analysis says it means I feel insecurity.  Yep. 

It reinvigorated me to get the fuck out of here, but I just did a deep dive and there are a ton of houses for sale in my area in the price range.  Like, A LOT.  I have serious concerns that my house won't sell.  And I can't just stay in limbo - I need to get a new tenant for my apartment if it's going to be not moving anytime soon.  

So then I think about a new job and I know I can get another job but I just am over being a wage slave.  The jobs I can get require long hours and no lunch break, and I don't want to go back to that life.  They're also exploitative and extractive.  I'm tired of being treated like shit, why would I go to another job that does that? 

puzzler

 Someone in the neighborhood was giving away a puzzle and I went to snag it.  A lovely 500 piece puzzle, brand new even.  I have a large table a friend gave me and I laid it out and ... I stayed up way too late working on it.  I thought the internet was making me stay up late, but even as a Luddite I find it hard to go to bed these days. 

Timing was good because I was kicked off FAcebook for excoriating a homophobe.  IT's never the time, but now is REALLY not the time, to show any kind of hate.  Fuck them, fuck Facebook.

Of course I use Facebook all the time, as a middle-aged lady does.  So a break is fine.

NObody told me, when I was young and drunk and fucking around, that I would grow old and find such pleasure in a cool evening with a jigsaw and a cup of cocoa and Joan Armatrading.  But I do.  At least as much pleasure as I found in the activities of my youth.

My neighbor asked if I'm under contract on my house and I said no, I guess we need to lower the price.  He said, "Well, if you don't have to, stay firm."  I confessed I'm feeling very ambivalent about leaving the house and New Orleans, and offered him a banana pup.  

I'm turning into a banana.  I shared quite a lot but I've got a lot left.  They are right at ripe.  Tomorrow I'll have 30 perfectly ripe bananas.  I'll eat a heap, freeze some, and keep eating and let others get more ripe so I can make banana bread and such.  They're so tasty, I love them.

My coworkers are funny.  There is a young man who is quite squirrelly and I keep my distance, but today we ended up in a room together and was the most inquisitive person and wanted to know everything about what I do.  I'm making new relationships, though I still miss the people who left.  

No update on the window situation, and I'm working hard to show I'm indispensable and they don't want to force me to leave.  And I strut past the bully, and I crack jokes, and I pretend she's not the worst mean girl I've seen since 7th grade.  And the swagger is definitely a "you come for the king, you better not miss." Because I no longer need to pretend that she is anything other than an incompetent bully with ethics issues.  She thought she checkmated me and I just pushed her ass off the board.  Fuck around and find out, you bully.  I may be white but I am not a fragile weak flower you can push around.  It's always funny when people realize that about me.  My BFF wants me to wear a shirt that says "Go ahead, underestimate me.  I dare you."  

The coworker that I'm supposed to work with is a complete idiot and she's lazy and she is rarely at work.  I have no idea what kind of special treatment she's got, but I'm going to really push back when her work keeps landing on me.  I've got the long game teed up.  

Fuck around y'all.  You will find out. 

good news

 I can expect a check from my insurance company for the rest of my roof repairs.  It's reimbursement because I dug deep into my savings to make repairs, and it will be very nice to get some of that rainy day fund money back.  

I've been waiting regarding Hurricane Ida for over a year, with so many glitches along the way.  Now all that's left is the insulation debacle (the ceiling replacement guys didn't know what they were doing), and Ida is over for me.  It felt like a lifetime but there are people in much worse shape than me now, so I get to feel grateful.  

So many things to wait on and this was a big one.  Another milestone hit not long ago was getting vested in work retirement program.  Now I'm waiting on student loan completion (hopefully within the next month; I've been waiting since March) and licensing in another state.  Waiting to hear back from jobs I interviewed for, waiting to see more good jobs posted that I can apply to.  That's a lot of waiting for me since I like to be more in control of my own destiny.

Speaking of, yesterday I went to Costco and dropped some money on a complete Thanksgiving dinner = big turkey leg, mashed potatoes, green beans, cranberry sauce.  All I have to do is heat it and most of the season's favorites are done with leftovers; plus there's a work dinner tomorrow so all my turkey needs will be met.  I could of course have purchased the pieces and made it from scratch but I don't have time for that this weekend.  I think some people expect me to host as I've done in the past and I'm not in that space; others expect me to invite myself and I'm not really that kind of person.  People think of me as very self-contained, which I am, and that I have many different friends, which I do.  But I don't have an invitation for Thanksgiving, and I realized I'm fine with that but I still like some of the food traditions but I also don't really want to make time to make things from scratch right now.  So many people seem to be traveling away, visiting family, taking cruises, etc., but I just want to stay here and power through the work on the house to get ready for showings.  I thought that my godson would be here and we'd go to a nice restaurant for Thanksgiving, but he dropped out of college so we converted that ticket to him going home.  

I bought too much paint which always kills me because what a waste.  I could have gotten a gallon less.  Oof.  And I had two cans of spray texture, but in opening the lids I broke the nozzle.  I was sort of able to get one to work and actually did the best I've ever done with texture repairs, but it also made a big mess and Im frustrated that I spent like almost $40 for thing which break upon opening.  I took the insulating blanket off the hot water heater because it was dirty and ratty and they actually don't make much difference since the heater is insulated anyway, but then I walk past the Energy information all the time that reminds me what an inefficient thing it is, so then I want to buy a new water heater and I found a great one with great price and rebates, but when I called the plumbing company to guesstimate installation costs they said starting at $1,300 and I might need to upgrade electricity and such.  Ooof that's a lot for something before leaving. 

Anyway, these are now the things consuming me.  I have spent so much money on this house it feels like and I'm reluctant to do more but also I don't want little things to turn off a potential buyer.  And also I feel torn about leaving because I put so much of me into this house.  Like the loquat tree I planted six years ago to help give some shade to an exposed window that now is so fragrant and gives such wonderful fruit.  Like all the backyard greens and bananas I took to work to share yesterday.  LIke the native critters I encourage with my landscaping.  It's such a great house in so many ways, it's just got funky quirks.  But for the right people, it will be fantastic.  Like it has been for us. Now I'll go do a lap around that big backyard and throw the ball for the crazy hound.

slow

 I remember why I'm slow with painting - because haste makes waste, and because my hand cramps up.  When I try to push through, it starts getting sloppy, which ends up being more work. So, I take breaks.  

My poor right hand, which I used to tediously scrape all the popcorn texture off my previous New Orleans house.  It was sprayed over old plaster, with a rubbery paint on top of it. Sometimes it was fun to catch an end and pull off a lot, but mostly it was hours and days and weeks of me standing on a ladder with a scraper on the wall.  

And my hand has of course never recovered from this punishment.  

But it did pretty good today.  I'm not finished but I made good progress.  Ceilings done, first coat on walls in hallway and apartment.  Need to do a second coat, then trim, then tackle the kitchen.  Then probably I'm going to paint the cabinets.  I didn't want to but it's going to be the cheapest thing to do.  Hopefully I have enough time with the long weekend.  I can't take more days off the work to get it all done.  

I will probably never allow another tenant to paint an apartment because they have all done a crappy job that I have to fix (as much as possible; can't really get paint off the grout).  My job looks as good as a professional, or it will once I finish.  Better than some professionals.  I'm saving a lot of money doing this all myself.  I will need to consult with my neighbor on a couple things though (cabinet doors not closing, garage wall leaking).  

I need to wash the windows, spruce up garden beds, weed and such.  And I still need that insulation situation resolved.  But it's a different house from a year ago.

I watched Season 3 of Dead to Me and it was really touching and made me really miss my BFFs back west.  They're all older than me which sucks in terms of mortality.  I need to get there for the good years. 

petty

 Took me longer than it should have, but I figured out the sweet revenge for if they try to make me move offices from mine with a beautiful view from window to a tiny dark windowless office.  It would involve getting a job immediately with their competitors.  I probably have a choice of two and I think one's at least a sure thing because they're desperate.  

I had toyed with this before, but I don't think the pay is any better but the work is harder, and there's ridiculous drama all throughout.  But I would have a window office with either one (though I'd be in the office much less).  

And both of these jobs would help me with future career opportunities as well.  They have SUPER high turnover so if I can stay a year I'd be good.  I do already have the skills but only at a basic level and because of the intensity I'd significantly improve those skills quickly.  

Either job would require a lot more work and my leisurely life would be upended.  But it's important work.  I could get a tenant in the apartment and a roommate in the guest room, for my dog to have friends around (she has a dog door and a fenced yard, but she has social needs I do not meet alone especially if I'm working a lot).  

Maybe this is an opportunity.  It is honestly hard to leave a job that is so cushy especially now that it pays ok.  While I make sure to sit in my seat until right at the minute we close, that's just an appearance.  I could roll in an hour late every day like my supervisor and colleagues. I don't, but i could.  I take my hour lunch every day and I leave and do my errands and see my dog.  It gives me much more free time on weekends.  Do I really want to give that up?  Well, if staying means that I'll spend the 6.5 hours per day of actual work time in a dark tiny window-less room, then yes.  I will give it up.  I deserve to not have my goddamned window taken away.  I'm from the northern lands of seasonal affective disorder and I'm not playing with that. I'm a wage slave but I have my pride.   

So.  It's good to have a plan.  I've made my case that they should not move me, and if the bully prevails then I take active steps to leave.  First, I need to wait to see if I'm offered either of the jobs I interviewed for last week.  If I don't hear from them timely, I'll talk to people at the competitors and decide if I want to apply for one or both, and do so.  In the meantime I'll be powering through last house things.

Though, to be honest, there's always something more. I have a 15-year-old water heater that's super inefficient, and I was eyeing getting a new one.  There are some great hybrids with great rebates that make them affordable.  Wouldn't pay off now but if I stay even a year it would be worth it.  The new tax credits starting next year may make solar affordable, and if I had a solar array and a battery backup, I could weather all but a direct CAT-5 hit.  I hate the idea of cutting into my roof to install solar panels, but it's something to think about.  I could get an electric car to avoid gas stations (peak carjackings) and auto repairs.  I could upgrade my HVAC systems (also probably 14 years old) to much more efficient models.  My electric bills aren't nearly so bad as most people, but the smaller my carbon footprint the better I feel.  Also, I could then elevate the units off the ground in case of flood (flood insurance wouldn't cover anything at ground level so I'd be screwed since both AC units and my washer and dryer are at ground level).  

But these sorts of things are true everywhere.  Owning a home means having maintenance and repairs.  I'm past the worst of it, probably.  Well, unless I want to level the floors and change flooring, install a bathtub (I only have showers), and move a stupid wall.  Oh, and do a real kitchen remodel.  Yikes, this house could easily take all my money.  That's probably true of any house.  

OK, time to focus on powering through painting today.  Yesterday was rough but I have to keep moving today.  

action

 I am the kind of person who sees a problem and wants to take action, but sometimes I have to make myself wait.

I need to keep reminding myself to sit on my hands instead of applying for jobs that are subpar in some way - whether it be work I don't particularly enjoy or a salary below my expectations.  I just saw an opening for a job that pays so little money in a very expensive place, and how can that really be possible?  How do people afford it?  And I started thinking "Oh, if they make it mostly remote I can live with my friend hours away for cheap and commute those hours every so often and stay with another friend, and ..."

Why?  Why would I do this to myself?  I deserve a salary that allows me to live without couch crashing.  Yes, I like helping people.  I also like saving for retirement and having housing.  

If I do sell my house and do move west and the plum jobs aren't offered to me by then, then I ,can look at second-tier options.  But I'm not there yet and I need to stop talking myself into them.  I need to stop acting like I'm moving right away because I keep needing things that I already gave away.  

I can also wait a beat and see if I'm offered either of the two jobs I just interviewed for.  I only need one good offer and it doesn't have to be immediate.  I would like a little time off after I leave here.  

I only slept about three hours last night, tossing and turning with disgust at the bullying at work.  I thought of calling in sick, but no.  I'll be there.  Pushing back.  I looked up unemployment in case they can just lay me off, but it's not super helpful and I have some rainy day savings that don't require the hoop jumping of unemployment.  

I'm in a holding pattern.  I'm pushing on my realtor too because I think she's not doing a very good job.  So I guess I am still in a place of action, the pushing back.

***

So I stormed into work and I took no prisoners.  The toxic supervisor was being nice to me (actually speaking to me) because she thought she won, and then one of my best allies walked into the office.  The ally for me is problematic in many ways, but she has backed me on some key things, so I pulled her in to correct my supervisor (her underling).  I later cornered the ally and asked, "Are you all trying to make me quit?  I just want to know, because that's sure how this seems."  She shouted "No!  Absolutely not!  The opposite!  We do very good work together!"  

So then I went to the leader of the new-to-me team.  I broke some things down for him, like they may say my time is devoted to him, but only 1/3 of it because the other 2/3 is for duties that have not evaporated.  And then I asked point blank if he wanted me to move out of my nice office into his areas (with the awful closet without a window space).  He said the decision was made, it's a done deal, they even moved furniture.  And I said NOBODY CONSULTED WITH ME EVER AT ANY POINT, but previously I had made it VERY clear to the two people in charge that I do not ever want to moved out of my office.  And I said further that there is no such thing as a done deal there, ever.  They change their minds all the time.  I asked if I couldn't meet the needs that he sees without being forced to move offices, and he doesn't even know what his needs are. I had to identify many of them.  All of which I can do because I'm just on the other side of the lobby and always available by phone and email.

And I called out my toxic supervisor and said that while he may think that it's his idea, that she's bullying me, doing what I specifically asked not to be done, and what is NOT being done to anybody else.  That I am being targeted.  And if they want to bully and target me, then they want me to leave.

I know, I know, it's just a window.  But I feel strongly about how badly this is handled.  There is zero need to move me and it was never discussed with me and I previously made it clear that I'm opposed.  

Does my boss have the right to decide where people sit?  Sure.  But if you're moving your highest educated and accomplishing person after a year in a half from a space she likes, you better not do it to a closet.  And I'm not bragging - turns out that everyone knows that I'm the best.  I'm everyone's preference.  I do everything the best.  I mean, of course I do, but it's good to hear that it's recognized, because I immediately leveraged TF out of that.  I made a stink in front of people I know have my back and will stand up for me when I leave the room.  

So there that went.  And if I win and I get my way and an apology, then I will seriously think about staying here longer.  Because I do like my job 85% of the time and I'm good at it.  And I will show my gratitude by doing even better.  But if they still move me, I will get super focused on getting TF out of here.  

So now I'm home and I need to change clothes and start the painting chores.  Fixing holes, retexturing, cleaning, all the fun things.  I was supposed to have an insulation installer come but he canceled, and his rescheduling times are very limited which sucks.  The other insulation installers haven't even called me back.  This is so weird.  I just really don't want to have to do it myself, but I guess I could try to consider it again.  Ugh. 

the window

 So maybe like six months ago or so, I think I posted here about my crazy-bitch supervisor wanting me to move offices and me declining because I like my window and view.

And so she, in her mean girl way, has been scheming to get me back.  For weeks she's been telling everyone but me that she's moving me to essentially a dark closet.  She thinks she has a justification - that my office is in an area with an office shortage.  But, there are four empty offices in the area, and another five could easily be emptied by placing other people where they should be that makes more sense - and none of them has a window so it isn't a real change for them. 

 And she has lied about it, repeatedly.  Lied about me.  Lied to me. 

I can't even take it personally because this is her way.  I'm seeing so many people fired, quit in protest, filing grievances - everything.  It's toxic and she's sadistic.  I know that.  

But it's still fucking annoying that I have to use my political capital to shut her down, even though I plan on leaving. 

 Why do people act like this?

two interviews down

 The second interview was ... less interesting than the first.  Less flowing.  Less engaging.  I didn't really light up as I can. 

But also, they didn't ask me a single question about diversity/equity/inclusion.  Not a single thing, which is pretty alarming because of what it is, and implicit biases ruin lives.  All three interviewers were white women.  

In contrast, the first interview was almost all about diversity/equity/inclusion.  They wanted specific examples and then more specifics and then philosophies of it and everything.  I've never felt so challenged but also heard, because I have lived my life trying very very hard to not be prejudiced.  And standing up for other people who are mistreated because of all the isms.  I check my bias constantly, and I check other people's as well.  Oh, and of the four interviewers, three were different ethnicities and I got kind of a gay vibe off the 4th.  

That kind of changes my analysis of the jobs, though perhaps if offered the second interview job I could be a leader for change and push the organization to do much better.  Because it was honestly kind of alarming.  

And then I slept for almost ten hours.  I needed a good night sleep.  

I have significant concerns about returning to a demanding job and my health, but I also want to push myself to continue to grow.  

And there will be worse things than staying here, so long as the work drama can stay off of me.  ONce I finish the house fixing up, I could turn my attention to other ventures.  I could get a side gig.  I could join a gym and focus on my health.  I could volunteer and join activities to spend time with friends and meet new people.  

I'm just ready to transition in some way.  AFter nearly a year and a half so focused on repairing my house and yard, I want a new focus.  And I want more fun. 

oh, this garden

 I just harvested about 30 pounds of bananas and I am over the moon excited.  I figured out how to do it without help and I didn't do too much damage with dropping.  We ate a couple and they are super tasty!  

I will share and I will eat and I will freeze and I will get bananad out.  I'm so delighted!

And so they are on my counter with sweet potatoes that I harvested.  The garden is overflowing with so many different greens and I think I'll start making grits and greens again.  Going to get the Tillamook cheddar because it's the best to put in those grits.  And I still have okra in the freezer and pickled in jars.  Also pickled carrots and jalapenos, and I'm still eating loquat jam though the blooms are so wonderfully fragrant now again already.

This garden, I just can't even express how grateful I am for it.  The abundance has kept my food bill significantly below what it was seven years ago before I moved in here. 

one down, one to go

 One interview done yesterday and one more today.  The interview yesterday was quite interesting - I think they asked pretty good questions overall.  I liked the people I'd be working closely with.  The management person was the monkey wrench, and he ended the interview with asking essentially why the hell I change jobs so much.  

Look, I get that there are people who stay in the same job their whole career and that is fine but it should not be seen as the gold standard.  As he said, I change jobs every two to three years, and objectively that seems perfectly fine for somebody who wants to continue to learn and grow.  It's weird because where I am now, the turnover is super high, and we work with another agency who has replaced like 28 out of 30 people in the past year.  It's SUPER high turnover in lots of places, and that I think is a problem. But somebody who stays a few years and does a good job and makes things better?  Maybe that's a management nightmare for continuing to have to hire new people, but buck up.  New people don't have to be a bad thing - they can bring new ideas and energy, and they're not so stuck.  I am curious about anyone who in this current time wants to find a job and stay there their entire career.  Why do you want that security and stability and why are you so afraid of the unknown?  And this guy even said, "I'm really jealous of all the places you've been," and I said, "Yeah, I'm curious and I like to say yes, and I've had incredible experiences."  I then shot myself in the foot by implying I wouldn't probably be there more than three years, but who knows?  If it's a great place to work then why not?  But also, I have high hopes to retire in six years so nobody will get me for 30 years.  I'll likely be dead in 30 years.  

They asked some content specific questions and I spun that shit right around on its head and challenged the fundamental assumptions of the questions and the company response.  That's the kind of value I add.  I think differently and am not invested in the status quo while also not out to reinvent wheels.  Honestly, they need me.  They are stuck in some very bad patterns that must be yanked into new realities, and i have the capacity to usher that along.  I discreetly called out some things I read in the news and referenced other possibilities.  But unfortunately, I think that like my previous job, that they give lip service to necessary change but don't really want it.  They want credit but don't want to do the work or change systems that reward them.  

And here's the other thing - I don't have to make myself sick pushing along reluctant people to do better in an overpriced town that I don't even really like.  I don't have to beg them to hire me and I don't have to be sad if they don't.  The pay is good and they're still doing hybrid remote work (I've been working in the office 100%, no remote work allowed at all) which can be nice because commuting there is a bitch (unlike where I am now, with my 7 minute commute with no traffic).  But I don't need that job and I'm not sure I want it.  

The interview today is for a job I'm more sure that I think I want.  But honestly?  I'm second guessing my plans to leave.  Now that hurricane season is wrapping up and I'm no longer on high alert, I look around and remember I like it here.  The only thing that the West Coast offers is being near my closest friends. 

interviews

 I have two interviews this week for jobs back west.

Both are more suitable to my expertise and experience than my current job, in that they are much more challenging.  I would be working a 40+ week again and have to dress like a fancy lady.  (Not really a fancy lady, but considerably nicer than I've been dressing.)  

Job 1 is in the town where my BFF lives, and we would live with her for awhile and she has a great backyard and she and Ziggy are simpatico.  The job would require travel and being "on" a considerable amount.  It's related to something I've done in the past and have a very good sense of even if some specifics would be different.  It is difficult work and I would get burned out before too long but it would be ok for awhile. 

Job 2 is near the town where my other BFF and godsons live, and even though she said we would live with her, we cannot.  (Their backyard is not Catahooligan-proof, and I don't frankly trust the men in the house to interact appropriately with my dog - they would get annoyed and yell at her and she would escalate.)  Housing is very expensive, and commuting is a pain in the ass.  The job is VERY challenging, almost impossible, but also exciting to wedge into the little sliver of possibility.  It's loosely related to an aspect of my last job that I liked a lot, and my critical mind and maternal manner could work really well.  Or not.  It is impossible but also extremely important, and there is public scrutiny.

I would probably take either job.  They both pay pretty well, though obviously living for free vs. very expensive housing market is a consideration.  

I don't know what my chances are for either job, but it's exciting that I got past the review process to interview stage.  

I also have performance concerns due to my chronic pain and other health issues.  I have had relatively cushy jobs for awhile (except my last job with the on-call demands and weekend work).  I'm a little concerned with Job 2 that i was contacted on a Sunday to set up an interview.  Why are their administrative staff having to work on the weekends?  And she said they want to fill it as soon as possible.  Possible is a little delayed when I'm thousands of miles away though I can probably jet pretty quickly.  Even though I have accumulated so much stuff and am mid-projects. I have people I can pay to finish my projects, and I know how to power through all the moving shit.  I've done it how many times before?  So so many.  I know who to contact for donations of furniture, I know where the dump is, I know at least in theory how to sell a bunch of stuff. 

And yes, I would leave my house before it sells.  We can bump down price and it'll sell eventually.  I could ask my neighbor to park in my driveway sometimes, the realtor and a friend could check in on it and my neighbors pay attention so it wouldn't be just abandoned.  

So, fingers crossed.  LIfe could be moving forward. 

these days

 Today was just a perfect day.  The weather was the perfect temperature, humidity low for here, slight breeze.  

I took off for lunch and went to a book signing where I got a book for free about Catahoulas.  I first met a Catahoula with my friends and she was just the sweetest girl so I started paying attention and ended up with my hellion.  Catahoulas are the state dog and they are known for their brute strength and bullying behavior that allows them to be fierce wild hog hunters.  They are just a little wild and think for themselves. This book which just came out is fascinating, it's about the geography and anthropology of the dog breed, and it's 52 years in the writing. And as i read of the author traveling the state to learn about the Catahoula's origins, I'm reminded again how much I love this state.  There is just something about here.  Otherworldly to this girl from Alaska, with the tropical fruit in winter and the bayous and palm trees and all of that.  

I went from free book to free citrus; a pal was giving some away so off I went and got a big bag that I then distributed to co-workers who were super grateful.  Here's what I do not understand, how many native New Orleanians who do not know about how to access free local food like this.  I know I'm a forager to an extreme for some, though they gladly take what I have to offer, and in this case they take what I pass along even if they wouldn't take it off the street like I do.  But we have such food insecure people, and I know the janitorial staff at my work is very underpaid, so how do they not have access to the papayas and bananas and citrus that makes living here so great?  Even my neighbor who wants to put in food trees is overwhelmed at the task and I'm like dude, just see what other people do, follow that, and put things in the ground.  It's not that hard.  But he needs a curator and it's baffling to me, but so I curate to a degree.  I say "Oh, did you see my loquat tree?"  "No, what's that?"  "Misbeliefs?"  *embark on mandatory story of climbing fences to steal from neighbors* "You can plant a loquat tree and grow that wonderful fruit for yourself.  There's one down the street there, too.  And the leaves are medicinal.  It's a wonderful tree that you know." "Yeah, but I haven't thought about it in years."  "Time to start paying attention again."  And so of course I curate and of course I share, but it is still baffling to me.  But maybe I should be more understanding.  Even a brilliant indigenous friend asked me the other day how I know so much about the plants here and I said, "Because it's interesting to me and so I pay attention."  She didn't grow up in an indigenous community really, but I have enough to know the style of learning associated with watching and not asking a lot of questions, and I learn a lot.  

Which reminds me, I heard the author of Braiding Sweetgrass and I sure do need to get that book.  Her response to a question about not appropriating other traditions was perfect (if you feel inspired by the nature surrounding you, make your own rituals).  

And after work I went to a farmers market that is growing and I love seeing all the new vendors.  

OK, I'm going to plant some root vegetables again, and hopefully they grow this time.

I love New Orleans and I love this time of the year.  Magic everywhere I turn

all the feelings

 Possible house deal fell through.  

Just got a call for a job interview.  

Fingers crossed on the second, and here's hoping for something good for the first. 

decisions

 First decision: do I call in sick to work today?  I have a lot to do at home.  I am also not feeling great, but I still have things to do, and if I go to work all day I won't have the energy when I get home (plus not light).  I think I will.  

Second, and much bigger decision:  I got a lowball offer on my house, about 20% less than asking.  It's a bit insulting, frankly, but I need to let that go.  There are no other offers on the table or even interest shown.  If I take this offer, I could get the fuck out of here.  No more hurricanes, no more repairs on this needy house.

But also, no job and no home.  My friend has said I can live with her rent-free indefinitely, and she's looking forward to us arriving.  We have lived together before, which is how we met.  I could kick back and take some time off while I look for a job, and even if I sell my house for less than I want to it's still a chunk to put into a down payment when a job is acquire.  (I would love to rent, but it's not really feasible with the hound, as I need a very secure yard and prefer a dog door to give her freedom especially if I work long hours.)  

And also, while many things about my current job are despicable and I really need to get out, and I am very concerned about climate change hitting this area very hard, my life here is really good.  And this house gives me a quality of life.  From all the gardening and fresh food to a rental unit for sense of community and pal for the hound, this house gives me a lot.  It always has.  Do I want to throw that all away without any profit on the house sale?  It's a tough call for me, honestly.  But also I do like the idea of not having to spruce it up any more to entice a buyer. 

I think what I'll do is have the realtor do her thing.  See if she can negotiate up.  If we can get in the middle, proceed.  Maybe the inspection reveals things that throw a wrench into the deal, but at least then I'll have the information.  

I'm not packing until it's a done deal, past inspection and appraisal.  I erred when I first decided to list and a friend took away things I wouldn't need if I leave, but it's not certain I'll leave.  I have accumulated a lot of things that hold high value to me and cost to replace but for which I will not get a lot of money, so I'm screwed if I purge everything and then a still here.  This is everything from hurricane to canning to gardening supplies to tools.  It's a lot.  It will be a huge hassle to get rid of everything in a rush.  

I feel torn about leaving.  I love New Orleans.  I just hate hurricane season and violent crime and corruption and incompetence and flakiness and all the things that make life hard here.   

Ultimately it hinges on this: my life here is good.  If I leave will it be even better?  Will I get a better job?  Will I find a housing opportunity I can afford?  How important is it to be close to soul friends (so many of whom have left New Orleans)?  I have always hopped into better things, but as I age I know that can change, so I do feel some trepidation.  I don't want to miss peak earning time, and recession and job losses are coming if not already here.  If i stay right where I am, I'm on target for retirement savings and those things.  I just cannot stay at my job, and there's no guarantee of something better.  Here or there. 

another day

 Today was not atypical.  Work, errands at lunch, come home to chores.  Today it was tackling my truck.  I tried to get a brake tag last week and failed, so I have a big fluorescent failure sign on my windshield which is shameful.  In Louisiana we have to pay $25 per year to have people check that our lights work properly.  Usually the people don't actually care, but I happened to arrive when a city inspector was there watching.  The young woman working approached my vehicle while snarling.  LIterally.  She had a grill on and while I usually pride myself on not responding to expressions, she had her lips rolled up in a way that signified aggression to me on a visceral level.  It turned out fine, obviously, but it got me wondering why she is adorned with something clearly not comfortable like that.  I love comfort, especially at work.  

And then they told me that I have two lights out, so I spent the weekend trying to figure out what to do. I started with buying bulbs, but as I went to change the bulb in the first one, there was no place for the bulb to go.  The socket had been fully ripped out of the attachment.  So I had to crawl under my vehicle to figure out WTF was going on.  IT was still there, dangling.  I need to go back with electrical tape to make sure it stays.  I found that the undercarriage attachment I installed several years ago to haul things is coming loose at some points so I'll need that fixed but I just tightened what wasn't missing.  Then I went to change the other light and I needed to confirm it was working, so I had to start my truck and put a brick on the pedal and push with rake and broom so that I could see.  I looked ridiculous.  I don't care.  Then I changed my windshield wipers which took some figuring out and I'm still not 100% it was correct so I'm keepng the pieces until it rains and I can try them, and then I checked my air filter and good grief when is the last time someone changed it?  Last time I did?   Don't they check those things during oil changes?  Why do I even go to a mechanic? 

Then my neighbor cornered me and wanted me to tell him all about medicinal plants and growing food.  Really?  I've been working on it forever and you never wanted to ask then?  

The house offer may not work out.  INsurance is super expensive.  For buyers to insure my house will cost over $6,000/year.  Almost twice what I pay so that's weird but they also have personal property of value.  That's so much money.  That plus hiked interest rates puts me in a bad spot as a seller.  I was telling a friend back west who said "well, there will be people with money."  The problem is that those people will go to other houses.  This is a modest home.  The times are making the modest home expensive.  But I have to really think about how much of a loss I'll take to leave. 

And tomorrow (yay, election day holiday) I have to call the gutter guy until he answers and comes fixes things.  And the insurance guy.  And crawl into the attic and remove debris.  And (start to) paint the apartment. And crawl around the garage to figure out why it's leaking.  And and and.  

I'm tired.  It just feels like there's never going to be an end to all this.  

step by step

 I'm still crashed.  I've even had a day off and I still haven't even begun to tackle the apartment.  It needs thorough cleaning and then I need to paint.  I just did the little things like replace lightbulbs and mop the floor, and I also painted the closet ceiling because it was water stained.  That part of the house suffered no damage from Hurricane Ida, but it did from the roof replacement.  They messed up the flashing and so her ceiling got damaged.  They fixed it but I'm skeptical.  That's been the whole theme of these repairs - do they make it worse or better, and what do I have to do to fix their work?  We had rain so I texted the gutter guy also because there are problems.  Any one of these things wouldn't be a big deal, but the cumulation wearies me.  Oh, and my workshop has water pouring in when it rains so I have to figure out and fix that.  Ugh.  I still have to get up in the attic to remove the debris the roofers left, and that's a task I'm not looking forward to.  So I haven't done it.

I think I'm dragging because (1) I'm tired.  It's been a lot.  (2) I am dreading getting to the point of strangers coming into my house and all the ickiness surrounding a house sale.  I'm very concerned about the interest rate increases and the slowing of the housing market and the flakiness of home buyers here.  I'm also concerned about the quirkiness of this house - from the flooring dips to the lack of bathtub to layout - it's all just not a typical house and most people will pass it by.  My poor "decorating" doesn't help.  Almost all furnishings was free, and it shows.  

Don't get me wrong, I'm still proceeding.  I'll still get the house on the market soon.  I haven't stopped, I just paused a minute to catch my breath.  I spent most of yesterday on food preparation, making healthy foods for the first time in weeks.  Green papaya salad?  Yes, please.   

I have some days off coming up and I will focus back.  First is apartment to get show-ready.  

As I start in there, I contemplate: "What if the house doesn't sell?"  There's a chance, because I don't want to go below a certain price.  I'd rather stay in it than sell at a loss.  That is true even though I have lived in this house for years at a deep discount and only put real money into it in the past year and a half.  If I need to do calculations to justify selling for a low price, I can do that.  I'm just not at that point yet and I would like to recoup.  But this is not a healthy market for that.  

If I don't sell right away, I may plan to move west in early 2023.  It would probably be much less stressful to have the house on the market without me and the dog in it. Other complications of course like having a house sit unattended (though neighbors on both sides would pay attention) and the yard maintenance (I'm sure I can hire somebody who would be fine even though it's not the usual).  

On the other hand, maybe I stay here and rent out the apartment and plan to stay awhile longer.  Now that I have the house almost done, it's nice to think of staying in it.  The only real thing I did yesterday house repair speaking was scrub on the glass stovetop.  I bought the house with cooked on mess and tenant added to it.  I keep it clean but it was significant and honestly I thought beyond able to be cleaned up.  But I got about half of it off yesterday and it looks so much better.  These little things.   

And if I do stay, I think of the apartment - this is one reason I'm not super inspired yet since I don't know if I'm staying or going.  If staying, I need to replace the cabinets.  Probably the refrigerator (it's loud and beat up).  I would like to move my stove over there and get me a new one.  These are not super big projects but they will only happen if I'm staying, and that is TBD.  Of course I can paint the rest of the place and do all the other things, but ... I'll get to it. 

Speaking of, time to check off some items on the list.  Not crazy about the time change but I'll make the best of it.

and crash

Next step done with the realtor and then I crashed.  I've been working so hard for several weeks now and I needed an afternoon off, so I dragged myself on a couple of errands and then binged Netflix and junkfood.  Mostly the junkfood, honetly. I'm only halfway through one movie.  I keep stopping to do other things and it's apparently not really engaging me.

I don't know if my house will really sell in a timely manner for a price I can agree to.  The market is shaky and the realtor is frustrated with how flaky people are.  I don't want to play those flaky people games. New Orleans has always been the land of the flakiest people, but it's even worse now.  And flaky at all levels - like this article about how a high-ranking official just didn't do his job like at all, and he was making good money, and when he got canned/resigned he got another lucrative gig with someone who sure as shit should have known better but she lied about it.  Or how when I left work on Friday at the exact minute we close, I was the last person in the parking lot (except a kind young man who made sure I left safely).  The slacking is insane.  I'm frustrated with trying to give away free things because people flake.  Today I went to WalMart and instead of executing a transaction, both the cashier and customer were TEXTING while a long line was waiting.  LIke, hello?  Why do people act like this, as though they are the only person who matters, not people to whom they've made commitments.  

So.

In the next few weeks we'll list it for a price that we're just guessing at.  I have a gut feeling about the price, not sure why.  

I was upfront with her that I won't keep the house on the market for a long time - it's way too much stress.  This was after my dog had already been screaming nonstop through a closed door for an hour.  She said she may be interested in renting the apartment.  I think I'll have no problem renting that again.  I'll paint and clean thoroughly, and if I end up not selling I'll replace the kitchen cabinets and maybe stove (probably move mine in there and get a new one for me).  

***

One afternoon off and I'm already scheming plans to consume all my time and energy. What if ... I built the cabinets myself?  A guy I know from work told me that he did for his rentals, and it seems almost possible if I get a table saw (which I've been wanting) and a few other things.  I have a heap of workspace, so why not?  And while I'm ripping out cabinets and replacing appliances (the refrigerator works fine but it's beat up, probably 14 years old and likely not energy efficient, and super loud; if I replaced it with a slightly smaller one it would fit better in the space; the stove is looking beat up too and had an electrical issue a few years back wherein the burner wouldn't turn off; my quick-thinking tenant saved the day and got it repaired, but it would probably be best to replace it as it's also probably 14 years old and has seen better days) - why not try to replace the flooring?  

So one of the biggest problems with my house is unlevel flooring.  There are peaks and valleys in the tile flooring.  It was clearly installed that way after elevation and the house hasn't been settling (no tiles cracked, etc.), but it's a big problem for reselling the house.  Plus most people in America don't care much for cheap box store tile floors everywhere.  I talked to the same guy I know and he said I could rip out the tiles, put down some leveler, and install laminate flooring which can better take the unevenness.  Checking on-line confirms that especially thicker laminate.  Doing that would make my house much more sellable.  It's also NOT something I'm taking on now for my house - I promised the dog no more work for awhile and it's so stressful.  BUT what if I tried it out in the apartment to see how feasible it really is?  A much smaller contained space to play with.  And if it works well, I could do it in stages in my part of the house by moving furniture and perhaps myself into the apartment while that's done.  Honestly, replacing the flooring and getting it leveled would make a very significant difference in salability of this house.  

So what's sparking all this about major renovations?  Another interest rate hike expected today.  I thought I had until December until they did it again, I didn't expect it so soon.  I think it really prices many people out of purchasing housing.  Unless they've already got a rate lock (can you do that without a house identified?), it may be rough.  

Sigh.