aging

 So, one of my big issues now is that my brain is aging, and so is my body, but my spirit is still nimble AF.  I am a poster child for how the brain changes with age, being less elastic and more comprehensive.  My body is a canvas ravaged by time and not good care.  But I haven't really caught up with that yet.  I still think that I can do so much more than I actually can, before my body gives up.  And I think I can just master new things quickly, like was my way for decades.  But the truth is that I can't.  I have to do things differently now.  

One really big difference is languages.  I used to be able to pick up enough to get by in a language pretty quickly, and when I decided to learn German in person instead of classroom and dropped out of college and arrived in Germany the day the wall came down and lived in Berlin for a year and taught myself German - that was a very different reality than for me now.  I don't have anywhere near the focus I did as a 20-year-old.  I remember hours spent at the desk, examining declinations, copying it down a couple of times, and mastering it.  My German got good enough to fool native speakers (my appearance helps with that as I look very German) and when I got back to the US I got two jobs teaching it.  Russian and French and Spanish followed suit. But not to full mastery, just enough for purposes. 

When I first noticed my brain was changing was when I decided to learn Arabic a few years ago.  That did not happen, not at all.  My brain couldn't wrap around it.  I went to Morocco and spent hours a day in class.  I was very motivated as I really wanted to get back to Libya.  But ... no matter how hard I tried, I just couldn'

And I would like to improve my Spanish to be truly fluent, as I would like to help with refugee matters.  This was a more compelling wish during Trump era, but even under Biden immigration things aren't great.  I understand the historical responsibility - I remember activism of the 80s to get the School of the Americas closed, I played a little part.  I went to Nicaragua with Witness for Peace to see first hand; before that to Guatemala with church connections.  I've heard, I've seen.  I know how our tyrannical government violently intervened for our own selfish purposes, and I believe we are responsible to help Hondurans and others because they're in shit for our fault.  And so I would quite like to work with detainees, but my Spanish is not fluent.  The carpenter and I spoke Spanish exclusively for a couple of weeks and I can communicate, but I'm still stumbling over verb tenses - shit I thought I knew but I've forgotten.  Vocabulary is limited, too.  And I know that spending hours with texts isn't going to get me where I need to be.  

But I may have found another route.  I could get involved with transporting and housing immigrants just after release from detention.  My house is set up pretty well for that.  OF course not all people released are Spanish speaking, but it could still be a way to work on it.  

This is a push I need to get moving on things with my house again.  I've been slowly, slowly lately and I need to pick up the pace.  I need to get things set up for guests.  So long as they like obnoxious dogs, Ziggy would be thrilled (she's been bored with me the past couple of days).  I cannot imagine being in detention after fleeing danger, but I imagine that I would appreciate a snuggly puppy.  

And maybe I'm not cut out for this.  My truck is a problem because I can't transport many people, but I'll still try.  

I need to keep moving on the house.  This isn't time to get overwhelmed with frustration (the leaking windows in the rainstorm yesterday kind of spun me out).  This is time to keep going and look for the next opportunities to grow.

I also had an unpleasant realization - I applied for a job that I know I'd like as I did it before, and even though the pay has increased since when I did it ... if I do that job until I'm 60 and live frugally until then ... I'm still not in a great financial situation to retire.  Why do public service jobs make living so hard?  Sigh.  I'm in a very good position with my house and I need to keep leveraging that.  So maybe I need to finish things to get a roommate to help me make bills.  We'll see.  Either way, I need to keep moving with the house work. 

it's ok to grieve loss even when self-inflicted

 Today I just got really nostalgic for my last place.  I got emails from two of the people I liked most there, and I really miss them.  I miss our communication and friendship.

Don't get me wrong - I love my friends here, my life here.  I just jumped into a volunteer thing because the need is great, and I have to learn to use Whatsapp.  I need to get my renovations done and move on with life. 

But it is ok to really miss people I connected with elsewhere because it means I'm alive.  It's ok to miss the 60% of my last job that I really liked, because I know I couldn't stay with a boss who was getting more abusive as I developed sleep and heart disorders.  I had to leave.  But I miss some of those I left behind.  Like, a lot. 

fad diet

 While Ive done my fair share of dieting with not great success (intermittent fasting: gave me awful diarrhea; Weight Watchers: couldn't lose more than 25# despite sticking to it Whole30: expensive to shop in line with its requirements), in general I'm not crazy about diets. I watched my mother try everything with a lot of yo-yoing then a fen-phen addiction.  I am overweight and I'm ok with my appearance.  

But what I'm less ok with is pain.  Today the pain in my joints is so bad I'm nauseated.  Moving hurts.  Being still hurts.  It all hurts.  And if I do gentle movement, it will subside eventually sort of.  

I'm tired of hurting every morning.  And it's not the bad mattress because my hips and back don't hurt as bad as my hands and feet.  

Inflammation?  Arthritis?  I don't know.

What I do know is that if diet can reduce this pain, I'm willing to give it a try.  I will cut things out if I have to.  Just as I don't eat shellfish because it causes me serious stomach pain and I don't eat figs because they make my throat close, I can give up other things that cause me pain.  Is it you, nightshade?  I will miss tomatoes but I'm already not a pepper fan. 

Note: I ate a pound and a half of asparagus yesterday and I hurt worse than usual.  Screw your anti-inflammation properties, asparagus.   

I'm making an appointment with a nutritionist who has helped a friend of a friend tremendously.  I hope to figure this out.

new old things

Moving is expensive and getting set up in a new home is expensive.  I'm trying to be strategic and frugal, which means borrowing from friends, buying from Facebook Marketplace and thrift shops, and repurposing.

I have plastic totes with wheels on them that I have used over and over again - I ship my belongings in them, I store things in them, I use them as luggage, and I use them as furniture.  They are my side tables.  Sometimes I get fancy and drop some fabric over them, but right now they're just dinged up plastic totes with USPS stickers on them.  I have been using them for well over a decade and they are fabulous, and they have saved me a ton of money (purchasing end tables and suitcases adds up).  They currently hold winter clothes, camping items, and sewing supplies (including in-process quilt). 

There are limits to used items, of course.  I just spent $20 on a bookshelf that holds all my books; one corner was chewed by a dog but that corner goes to the wall so I don't care and that saved me a lot of money from buying new.  But the things that my tenant friend left me are considerably more beat up, and I will be taking most of them to the dump.  I don't require new and perfect condition, but I want better than trash that I wouldn't be able to even give away.  Unfortunately she was hard on the things I left for her to use - what happened to my mattress and why did she leave me a stained smelly one instead?  That cost me $200 to replace with one on-line.  I have a little butcher block on wheels that she stained and cracked the top of; looks like she put a very heavy item on top and bent and broke it.  I may scrub it down, put some woodglue or bondo on it, and paint the top surface the gray of my cabinets.  It's hard to be too upset because I got it for free on curbside.  I will borrow a rug from a friend who upgraded, a table from a friend who inherited her parents.  I'm grateful that I had some space here to leave some things, and I even have a slowcooker and canning jars tucked away.  I don't want to store canned food in the garage because the heat can't be good for it there; in my last two houses I stored it under the bed, but here I'm using that space to store bedding.  This house has a real shortage of closet space, so I make do. 

I'll keep looking on Marketplace for rugs and a corner shelf or storage unit to act as a kitchen pantry.  My kitchen doesn't have much storage and I do tend to accumulate.  I rather shamelessly brought three cases of salmon that I canned up north, and another case of jams.  Soon I'll be making jam with the front yard blackberries here.  I like canning - I like the process and I like the product.  I am not inspired to bake sourdough bread now because it's so fucking hot and I hate heating the oven ... but I probably still will.  Or I'll build an outdoor bread oven, or I'll get a grill and figure out baking on it.  I would quite like to get a grill, to not turn my oven on again until September.  So I'll look out for options. I need doormats - I have so many doors and track in so much dirt. 

Furnishing a house can be quite expensive and I'm trying to keep it on the cheap yet still feel comfortable.  Yesterday I finally dug into some more cleaning and unpacking and it feels really good to be settled in a bit more.  I still have a shit-ton of projects I'm in the middle of, but I'll slowly keep working through them.  Sometimes it's frustrating and sometimes I feel like I'm making good progress. 

the universe is abundant in New Orleans

I stayed up too late contemplating an entirely different structure to my front yard, one with zones - a native plant zone, a bog garden (converted from the pond that's there), a lush tropical zone, herb zones (by preferred climate, uses etc.), vegetable garden zone, and such.

And so what did today provide me?  Just about everything I was looking for.

First, a bamboo aficionado came over and offered to take all the bamboo AND the arundo donax (giant cane reed) off my hands - he has great plans for it and the right tools.  He will likely make some profit off it and I do not begrudge him a bit for that because he will save me dozens of hours of backbreaking and frustrating work.  So between that and the work I've been doing, about 1/4 of the yard will be cleared and I can solarize.  My irises are thriving as usual so I'm sharing some and saving some - they'll go in both bog and native garden zones.  

Then a friend messaged asking for some lemon grass that I had just pulled up; I offered to drop it off and she gave me papaya starts and some seeds, and we made plans to catch up.  She's one of those people who is near to divinity and she is so inspiring.  She is undergoing a radical transformation and I am proud of her for being true to herself.  I look forward to a catch-up and it will be good to let her know I'm looking for work in case something comes on her radar.  

Papaya: check.  It's one of the very best foods for me and my digestive issues and I love the look in a tropical zone. 

Then a friend said she'd take some irises and I was headed her way so I went to her house for the first time and met her new dog and her child, who seemed taken with me but I think he likes the audience.  She often seems nervous but we were at ease and we talked plants, and she gave me starts for both aloe and rosemary, which were also on my short list of wanting to get started right away.  I think I'll put them with the lemon grass and another couple of other heat-loving herbs ... maybe some I neebasil?  

Which led me to another plan - I can just use my old fence boards for garden beds.  I saved a bunch that weren't totally rotten, and I can hook them up for some raised beds.  Once I get some cover down, I can build beds and fill with soil.  Our soil is so fertile here but also now so very weedy, so I would like some temporary help to get started.  

It's already so fucking hot and this is a lousy time to start gardening, but on a small scale I need to start or I will go crazy.  I *need* to grow food for me and to share, fresh herbs which I like to use a lot (they cost a fortune at the store), and medicinal.  

So, that's the front yard and I'm excited it's making progress.  Hopefully on Wednesday some people will come to take away the rose bushes.  I want to like them but I just really can't.  And I'll keep working on the wedelia and bidens alba, and I need to tackle the next big elephant ear.  Pull out some ginger and keep a bit (hello, tropical zone).  

I got some rooting hormone and I'm going to go take a clipping of a beautiful vitex on the street.  

I'll keep chugging along.  

And in the back, I've got trees planted and tonight I'll plant a banana and two more citrus trees.  I need to get these in the ground already.  It's a lot of wide open lawn there, which I like and don't.  I would prefer some vines and other greenery along the fenceline, but first I need to finish the fence.  

And I have so many other things to do.  The carpenter worked a real number before I stopped and fired him.  What a sloppy incompetent.  Grrrrr, at all the work I have to redo.  

But I'll put that aside because I'm saving money thanks to the generosity of friends.  I'm eating fish that a friend gave me, which is real savings.  This is what New Orleans is for me, a safe place to land. 

job, need for

 As is my way, I jumped into the void when leaving my last job.  Nothing else lined up because I kept having things lined up and was rushing from one place to the next for years, never able to catch my breath.  And I knew I would need time to focus on fixing up my house and yard - and I hadn't understood how bad that situation was until I got here.  

So, I left my last job two months ago and have been back in New Orleans for one month.  I have actually accomplished quite a lot in that time, though much of it thanks to a carpenter I just fired for doing shoddy work and not following instructions.  I still have a lot to do - yesterday I gave away some plants which helps clear, but then I wrenched my back trying to move a huge piece of concrete out of my front yard (it was obviously placed there by the water company, who is my nemesis).  My kitchen is nearing completion but the paint needs curing before I add handles and finish doors (the carpenter hung a lot of the doors wrong and then fucking STRIPPED THE SCREWS while doing so - which is why I fired him because fuck me this is such a huge pain in my ass to fix this, oh and he also messed up a lot of the uncured paint), and then I need to put my sights on more complicated projects like retiling my shower floor (I cannot find any professional to do it) and making decision about house paint and gutters and such.  I have a ton more money to spend on AC repairs and glass repairs and all this (house painting the biggest expense, at least $10K, and gutters another $2K, and I really should redo my roof but the prices are so high now), and I know I need to just DO IT ALL since I finally got my money from my house sale, but it's painful to drop so much cash.  And in my defense, I keep trying to find people to give estimates and do the work, but good people are hard to find.  I have other things that will need to wait months until it's not so fucking hot, like refinishing my shed's metal roof.  That I can and should do myself but I will not do so in this godawful heat.  Cue Cat on a Hot Tin Roof. 

Anyway, what was my point?  OH yeah, I am getting itchy about getting a job and income.  Not helped was this morning's review of Social Security and plugging in numbers for "windfall elimination provision" to see that my expected Social Security in the future is a lot less than they were telling me in the annual statements.  I wasn't planning to rely exclusively on Social Security for retirement, but it's still bad news.

Of course the trade-off is if I'm working full-time, I don't have the time or energy to do the work myself.  I don't power through things anymore - I have to take things in manageable pieces or I make myself incapable of moving. 

I do have plans to meet with a nutritionist soon, now that I nearly have a kitchen again.  If I could get inflammation under control, that would help.  And I really need to lose some weight.  Especially belly fat.  But my feet have been hurting a lot, and I think it's the weight I'm carrying.  I want to start with a biome analysis to see if I have issues from my time abroad that I can remedy, and go from there.  I've been eating crap since getting back and I need to get better.   

And I did plan to take time off.  I was supposed to call my advisor to get back on track with PhD; if I could focus on that for the next few months I could make great progress in a way I haven't been able to while working challenging jobs.  My plan was to focus on PhD and house repairs for several months, and I do have the savings to cover my expenses during that time, especially if I get a roommate.  I just have to catch up with that, including fixing the shower in the guest room, but even before that I need to unpack and organize my stuff.  I've been stressed out living in a construction zone, and I need to get a grasp of things.  I need to get pegboard for tools, shelves for books.  That kind of thing.  And I need to keep deep cleaning the rooms I haven't been able to get to yet.  

I have a lot to do.  It's ok I don't have a job yet. It's not time to panic yet, because things do always work themselves out for me.  

why I talk to strangers

 Several years ago I was in Dublin, visiting with a friend I'd met years prior in another country.  She was in class and I wandered around and into a coffee shop, where I heard the most beautiful voice. I turned toward the speakers to listen more and then realized that the voice was coming from a person who was seated at a table and sort of singing under breath.  I watched and listened until noticed then said, "Oh, sorry, I don't mean to intrude, but your voice is so beautiful!"  

We struck up a conversation and I was invited to some musical events which we attended.  It was a sort of Irish folk music festival weekend and it was pretty fun.  

We became Facebook friends and see what's going on with each other.  Recently, a name change, and just now, a video discussing the decision to begin testosterone.

They had been told that testosterone would just obliterate the ability to sing, thickening vocal cords to unusable as an instrument.  Apparently, that's not true, and they are both upset that they waited so long with faulty information, and also relieved now that they can proceed.  They're hoping to land on a clear tenor and have a vocal expert in transitions to work with, but of course everything is unknown.  

I do not understand being transgender because I do not feel misgendered by birth and society.  I sort of "transcend" gender in a lot of ways because I feel comfortable in my cis skin.  So it is very interesting to experience the transition of somebody I know in this way.  I also do not understand how a voice change can be so important as to be a key component in transition but I also do not have the most beautiful voice I've ever heard.  I would be very reluctant to do anything that could affect my speaking voice, but this is different.  This is an instrument that is very important.  And this is how I learn, by listening to the experiences of people I do not understand.

And this is why I talk to strangers.  

making progress

Grateful for a bathroom with wide enough sink to allow me to wash dishes and make coffee.  Hopefully after I receive appliances today my kitchen will be mostly reassembled.  I'm taking my time with the contact paper and door painting stage, but I'm ok with open cabinets for now and I'll get on it.  

Then we move to the bathroom, starting with regrouting the shower, then reskimming the walls, then all new fixtures.  Because otherwise it makes me sad to live with water damaged particle board and flawed wall texture and a deeply scratched toilet bowl harboring bacteria and a shower leaking and damaging my house. 

I finally got the $$ from my house sale yesterday and I'm delighted.  It was such a frustrating process at every step of the way and the buyers' lender was awful.  The buyers called to thank me, grateful for me sticking with them through this and giving them an opportunity, which helps.  And the escrow agent was very competent.  But I don't want to go through something like this again.  Of course I need to suck it up because I did profit of 4% of price, which is paying for these renovations here.  

I haven't gotten an interview for the PNW jobs which tells me I'm not the shoe-in my friend was hoping me to be.  But I did just apply for jobs at an agency very near my home which would check all my boxes - come home for lunch, provide health insurance, much less stress, no 24/7 on call, and support me finishing my PhD.  I don't even know how much it pays and I don't actually care that much about it - I know I need to keep socking away for retirement, but I really just need less stress for awhile and so if I can cover my living expenses (which are quite low here) while getting some other benefits, then I'm good at least for a year or two.  I hope that I can someday go back to more stressful work, but this is not that day.  And once I have a job again, I could potentially refinance my house to an even more desirable rate, though I'd really like to just throw all my savings at it and pay it off.  Which I know isn't smart but it sounds nice. 

My carpenter is a pretty good painter so I may employ him to help me power through repainting the interior of the house.  He's not cheap but he works hard and it sure would be nice to get done with everything quickly to be able to settle in and maybe get a roommate.  

OK, I need to wrap up this cup of coffee, take the dog out for a quick walk, and run to the store for a new shut-off valve for the leaking one we found late yesterday. Maybe a new faucet while I'm at it (the one I installed four years ago is really too tall for shallow sinks and it wasn't installed great).  Numerous other things to buy but I'm on a mission to get those and get back so the kitchen can get completed.  Then electrician comes, and then termite guy, and appliances, and carpenter, and oh, it's a full house.  Oh yeah, and I need to clean that stove and paint again before they arrive.  

Hopefully I don't kill all my energy because there's an event I want to go to tonight and maybe Young Man will go with me.  He is in kind of a weird space, wanting more of me but not wanting to do more.  He did get vaccinated for me (and other reasons), so I do have to give him props.  But it would be interesting to see him around my friends. 

just let me age

 I haven't menstruated since last July so while i knew I wasn't yet to the 12 month "Menopause" mark, I considered myself pretty much there.

And then I woke up with a heavy menstrual bleed this morning.  

What the actual fuck, body?  Why won't you just let me transition into menopause?  I've got the negatives - the dry vagina and spreading midsection.  Why are you going to bleed on my sheets?  Come on.  I'm nearing my mid-50s already! 

dishwasher

 Y'all, I am too excited about getting a dishwasher.  After having one in my past two houses, I realized I don't want to do without again.  I like it for sterilizing among many other things.  It feels cleaner than what I can do, especially since the water doesn't get very hot in my kitchen (far away from the water heater).  I don't want a bleach rinse and all that, but I am fussy about clean dishes.  

I just coordinated the last piece.  First, I ordered the dishwasher about three weeks ago and it's scheduled for this Friday delivery.  Then, I found a carpenter to modify the current cabinet.  Then it was a matter of finding and getting cabinet paint (which is supposed to be delivered today).  Then, I contacted my electrician (been using him for years) and have him scheduled now for Friday to put in the outlets for dishwasher and garbage disposal (and change out some lights, and add some other kitchen outlets).  And just now, I scheduled a plumber to come and hook it all up properly since it's new and for the past two houses I've seen the damage done by homeowner-installed dishwashers.  These plumbers aren't cheap but I've never had real concerns about quality (and the time I did, they fixed it).  So maybe in five short days, I'll have a dishwasher installed.  So not cheap, but worth it - for me, for renters, for potential home buyers.  

And a new refrigerator will arrive on Friday, the #1 energy star rated one, of course.  A good sale was found.  I still want an over-stove microwave but the sales haven't been great so I'll keep waiting for something under $400.  

Hopefully by the time I have a functioning dishwasher all the rest of my kitchen will be done except reinstalling the cabinet doors (which I want to cure at least partially before I reinstall).  

And then what?  Well, a bunch of shit like replacing all the rotten fascia, and a fucking Chinese tallow tree just busted through my fence like the Hulk.  I need to get a painter lined up once my house deal from north goes through.  I'm supposed to get the $$ in my account today with recording, but we'll see.  This was the most obnoxious home sale experience ever.  Stupid fucking lender.  They sent forms yesterday that I had to have notarized before sale could happen - why didn't they send them months ago when we started this transaction?  I had to scramble to find a printer (hello public library) and a notary (hello friends saving me the $15 fee because Louisiana doesn't allow banks to have notaries, I'm told).  Then I had to sit for hours with my friend who notarized, and he held onto the form unfilled out until he got enough facetime with me.  He's lonely, in the wake of a breakup that made him lose his dog, and he needed the companionship.  

What I really need to do right away is get my showers retiled because the grout is gone - and one needs to be relaid because water pools.  OK, need to make those calls.  And then I would like to redo my bathroom - new toilet, new vanity, new walls.  

OK, things will come together.  I'm still waiting five weeks for an exterior door that needs replacement, so some things can wait if they're not urgent to get a full day's work for the carpenter in July.

And of course I have So Much Yardwork, though I'm sort of eyeing the weeds differently since realizing some have medicinal uses.  

OK, back to work.  I'm just so excited about the dishwasher!  It uplevels this house significantly.

three and a half weeks

 It took me right about three and a half weeks, but I'm finally feeling somewhat settled here again in New Orleans.  

It was disorienting for awhile there.  People looked different, acted different.  I'm still aggravated about the criminal incompetence of public utilities and others, and I'm still appalled at the wealth disparity, but it feels like "mine" again. 

And what did that?  Food and friends, of course.  Very good friends came by yesterday, the first I've seen them as they're working multiple jobs and Very Very Busy.  I was going to stay with them when I first arrived but I was eager to be in my house, so no distance from getting things done.  They snuggled the Catahooligan on the couch, everyone so happy to be reunited and comfortable together.  We interrupt constantly, as close friends often do with so much to say.  He brought fish as he loves to deep sea fish and I love to eat, and we stocked up my freezer.  I gave them blackberries that I had just picked from my front yard jungle.  Fish and blackberries and weeds sounds like a lovely dinner which l'll enjoy when my kitchen is functioning.  Apparently Spanish needles, the bane of my existence, is quite edible.  So maybe I'll eat what I'm destroying.  

I have so much work to do in the front yard but now I need to focus on kitchen to power through.  Today it's just clearing out entirely and really getting the goddamn cabinets clean.  Tomorrow the carpenter is scheduled to return, so we will remove appliances, remove countertops, clean and prep walls, paint walls, paint cabinets (if the paint ever arrives), replace countertops with something less gross, contact paper inside cabinets and drawers, replace light fixture, install garbage disposal and dishwasher, replace appliances (arriving Friday hopefully), replace cabinet doors when cured. That's my new kitchen.  Walls a light yellow, cabinets a light gray, and countertops a granite-inspired laminate.  With appliances the cost will be somewhere around $3,000 or so, which is not cheap, but it is so worthwhile.  And considerably cheaper than my original plan of removing a wall, installing a bar/shelf (one of my homes up north had a great setup I'd like to mimic), replacing all cabinets.  I'm hoping most of it will be finished in three to four days.  We shall see.  

And while the jobs in the Pacific NOrthwest still seem more perfect for me than anything I can do here, and I"m frankly not seeing anything exactly what I need to get, I really really really don't want to leave. I want to nurture my newly planted citrus trees and enjoy fresh lemons.  I want to make the front yard mine again - I toyed with just removing everything and replacing with lawn, which is still the best option if I have to leave because while I can spend a few hours easily each week staying on top of things, that's really expensive to hire somebody to do.  I want to be here in fall, when I can transplant the roses to a more suitable location off my property and when I can hopefully be finished with solarizing and removing much of the aggressive plants and starting to do things better.  I want to move the blackberries and bananas to the backyard because I really prefer spending time back there with the dog.  I have a hammock and space and it's delightful.

This is where I feel at home and so I want to stay.  We're acclimating ok, and while the dog is still hot and miserable she is happy to go wherever I go - be it a 5,000 road trip or to the backyard to hang laundry.  Yesterday when our friends left, she hung back with me - entirely in love with them of course, but knowing where she wants to be.  (He wants to borrow her for a few evenings to deal with a rat issue, and I think she would be over the moon, but I would also need to be there with them for her to feel comfortable with the arrangement.  No matter how much she loves other people, none of them is me.)

So here we are, with our very long to-do lists.  But at least we feel at place now.