stereotype

 I probably need to record this in case I need to reference it later.  

Every week I have a meeting scheduled with my supervisor.  In theory we should have a conversation.  The reality is that she is always going off on other things.  Calling other people, reading emails, doing other work, refusing to engage with me while I'm sitting in her office.  It's super bizarre but it's how she is.

In our last week's meeting time, she was on the phone.  After getting off she told me how her family member had been told they were earning an academic honor like valedictorian; right before the graduation ceremony the school recanted and gave the award to another person.  The family member is black; the new honoree is presumably white.  And I have no doubt that there may well be racism at play here - it often is.  

I told her how when I was supposed to graduate valedictorian that during the ceremony the principal tried to give the award to a boy instead of to me and I did not take that sitting down (I snatched the award out of their hands and said "no it's not.")  She didn't care.  Which is fine.

But as she ranted and raved, she said among other things "You people need to stop.  You think we ain't ready, I'm ready.  I got six guns."  And she kind of paused a little at the "you people" but then went ahead and said it.  SEeing if she could get away with it.  

I'm one of very few white people in my job; almost everyone is black.  And that is great in almost all regards, but I definitely am stereotyped.  My close coworkers and I joke about things and talk about things seriously.  Race matters are serious.  

What's concerning me is when my direct supervisor who has firing authority over me goes off on a rant in which she lumps me into a group of people who are harming her family because I'm white.  

I get white privilege, I do.  And I also don't want to lose my job because I'm white.  

outside the market economy

 Someone I didn't know was offering free comfrey on Facebook and told me to come on over and let myself into her backyard where she was gardening.  Except she wasn't gardening, she was sitting at a lovely shaded table in her beautiful backyard with a friend I know from Hurricane Ida times.  They offered me a daiquiri and we almost immediately started talking about children in foster care and their life experiences (being a removed child, having children removed from their home for being poor, and taking in removed children) were awesome.  No idea how we got to that topic but it was real talk and we connected even as we interrupted each other loudly.  New Orleans is showing up at a stranger's house for a medicinal plant and having real talk over booze.  Now we're planning a potluck plant and seed swap.  I'm so in for that.

The hurricane pal said she has just taken in a cat and wants to get him neutered but has to wait for a paycheck and just lost her job.  So I located the low cost neuter clinic and Venmod her the cash for the operation.  She has a blouse she's been meaning to give to me for months which will be great for work.  I connected her with a friend who will notarize for her for free.  Today I noticed for the first time a flower on the coral honeysuckle that she gave me last year, which she'd dropped off when I gave her some things my tenant had left behind.  That was after our great MRE swap on the front porch. 

And to that friend's house I now go, to return her wheelbarrow that I'd borrowed and pass along a bay tree that friends gave to me but I think will be better at my friend's mission style home.  (Though I may want to harvest some leaves, and she would be more than all right with that - she always tells me to just let myself into her garden and take whatever I want.)

On my way to drop those things off, I'll stop to pick up some cleaning fluid which is perfect for my little cleaner, which will hit two chairs I got for free off Facebook recently.  I'll have to thoroughly clean them so getting extra cleaner is great.  

Trading, sharing, swapping, helping.  I like this life.  I like how easily it flows with certain people in this town.   

I've been so ready to leave New Orleans so she's putting on the charms.  Last night I went to an event and saw everyone from my first friends here to a current coworker friend, and people from the years in between.  

I'm remembering why I love this city, how it's always embraced me and made me feel welcome.  For all my quirks and gaffes, I have always landed gently. 

propped door

 There are no words for how horrifying the murders in Uvalde are.  I cannot even fathom the anguish and rage of parents who were forced without action to hear their children murdered in their school.  The system failure, the command failure, is so egregious as to be almost unbelievable.

And the gunman got in through a propped-open door.  I'm sure the person who did that will feel such guilt.

It does not escape me that the day before this horror, my work office outside door was propped open.  I removed the item and made sure the door closed properly.  I'm so trained to think of this that I instinctively check it every time I walk past, and often it doesn't close properly.  I have reported it and told "nothing can be done" so I just check it.  I'm in the sort of building where angry people would force their way in shooting, and while the "important people" have multiple levels of security, I am in the section with the people who are apparently dispensable.  The door to our section opens the wrong way so we cannot even lock it if somebody breaks in a different entrance.  

Yes, we have security.  No, I do not trust their training and expertise in case of an armed shooter.  I would rather have preventative measures that actually work.  We have cameras installed but they do not work, to add to the ridiculous insult that my life is not worth protecting.  

I'm getting quite fed up with the very poor organization at my work, the unnecessary chaos and drama with everything, and how the people we are tasked with serving are sacrificed in the process.  Can I last the four more months necessary for a financial perk worth waiting for?  Probably.  But I'm sure getting crankier.  And I'm taking no prisoners.  This will all come to a head soon, most likely, because my calm effectiveness is pissing off the incompetents.  The Key Incompetent (who is just so egregiously so) cornered a coworker friend and said he talks to me too much and that I'm telling him how to do his job.  Whether or not we talk too much is debatable, but I haven't once told him how to do his job.  I tell him what to do in other ways ("stop being so prejudiced" and "watch this show so we can talk about it" top the list), but he's good at his job.  

But the thing is, people come to me asking for help about how to do their jobs.  They fuck up and things fall apart and they come to me in a panic and I calmly fix it.  I'm the fixer but I'm also the nuclear option because when it's a symptom of a broken system I identify the break.  I'm the brave one willing to speak up and take heat.  And the people who do not like that are the ones very bad at their jobs.  

And the problem is - when people are bad at their jobs like the commander at Uvalde who insisted no one stop the gunman - innocents can suffer. So we all need to speak up when it's necessary.  And close doors that are supposed to be secured.  

*Update* there was not a propped door.  It was closed when the teacher who was actively using the door knew of a shooter.  When she closed it, apparently it didn't lock.  Mechanical malfunction?  Tragedy. 

thwarted chores

 I finally contacted the painter ... and am not hearing back.  Crap. 

I have to get new house insurance because my insurance company went belly up, and we have to do it quickly before insurance companies stop taking new clients because this is supposed to be an awful hurricane season.  And an inspection is required, and my house is still a mess.  They require gutters, which obviously I'm not installing until after the painting is done.  I've been hoping for another insurance check (it went into receivership so the state is paying another company to handle the claims) to pay for the painting, but that guy also isn't responding to me.  

Crap.

Also I need my neighbor to do some work before the painter, and he said he'd do it a couple of weeks ago and hasn't.  But I'm sure it's because he's really busy and I told him it wasn't urgent, because he has never let me down.  If I give him a timeline he'll meet it, even if he's out there with a router at midnight (which I would not ask him to do, but he would because he's so hardworking).  

There are just so many goddamn pieces to putting this house back together. 

I also want to wait to replace the screens until after the house is painted, and they look so bad that the birds are shredding them for nesting materials.  

I did however manage to finally assemble the TV stand.  One side doesn't slide well and I can't figure it out but maybe I will another time, or I'll just live with it.*  Then I opened up the TV I'd ordered to discover it was broken, so I had to return that.  Sure, I needed another errand.

I'm getting tired of not having blinds on my windows so I'm taking steps that way and I think I won't even try to trim or customize them - I'll just make off-the-shelf blinds work for me.  So much cheaper, and actually I like that texture better than what was more expensive.  Cleaning drywall mud of windows tonight, hopefully buying blinds tomorrow after work along with enough fenceboards to finish my fence.  It's a long weekend and I've got a list a mile long to do. One last load of mulch. Make jam with frozen loquats.**  Repair some of the paint job (can't do all of it at once, it's so overwhelming).  And so on.

Will I ever get through chores?  I mean, there will always be things to do.  Cooking, lawnmowing, toilet scrubbing.  But this oppressive to-do list just to make my house habitable - will it ever end?

* Fixed it.  I love figuring things out like that. 

**It's time to start emptying the freezer in anticipation of being without electricity for weeks thanks to hurricane season.

things that I need to just do

 I need to just get my house exterior painted.  I've had several quotes over the past year and the only one I really felt good about has gone MIA.  I have an active offer from a guy who painted a friend's house, and it was fine.  It wasn't fabulous, but it was ok.  The fabulous painters aren't available, I've tried repeatedly.  And my house isn't fabulous.  It's quite modest.  It just needs paint.  

But after dealing with so many bad workers lately, I haven't had the stamina to do this.  Plus, it's problematic with my dog.  She has a dog door and gets free range of the yard to do her business.  Walking her instead has become a massive anxiety-producing ordeal because of off-leash dogs and asshole owners.  (She gets weekend walks, when I have time to drive her away to a place without these problems.)  

My house is ... complicated.  It's got all these weird nooks and crannies, and I frankly dont' have faith in this guy that power washing the peeling metal shed will be sufficient prep.  Or other such things.  I understand he's been doing this for 30 years but he didn't instill confidence because he was macho posturing about COVID.  

But until the house is painted, I cannot re install gutters which I so badly need.  I will not put the plants that need to go into the ground near the house since the roofers destroyed several and I know the painters will as well.  I do not replace the screens that make the house look abandoned because they are so destroyed.  And so on.  So I am in this holding pattern of my own making.  I've been holding on waiting and hoping that the fancy painters will somehow become available but they are hardly even returning calls and when they are it is to tell me to find somebody else.  Also I'm hoping that there will be another check from the insurance company which will help cover the costs but there is no guarantee and I'm waiting for that.  My insurance company went into receivership as others have.  I got a call a few weeks ago about a new assignment to a new agent and he said he would be in touch within a week and that was weeks ago, but last time it did me no good to be in closer contact with agent so I don't make the efforts. 

I'm feeling overwhelmed again.  I spent yesterday morning in the front yard digging and mulching, and it wore me out so much that I had no more energy, but I did force myself to process 5 gallons of cabbage (process = harvest and clean thoroughly; it's very organic so definitely there's cleaning to to).  I'm tired of these tedious tasks that keep me from bigger things.  Today I am making yogurt and baking bread (which I HATE to do in summer), both of which take time and energy but there is no comparison with storebought.  I have plants that really need to get into the ground today, a slightly cooler day before some rain.  I must finish the mulching or there will be problems.  I am also making muffins and canning beans while I'm stuck in the house.  I need to finish Ikea assembly.  Clean windows.  

***

I feel that I am surviving, not living.  I cannot remember when I last felt that I was thriving and not just going through the motions. 

The pandemic does not help, nor does my chronic pain.  I am very isolated, putting chores before people.  It also does not help how the people I've been closest to have moved away or died and that I don't really have the energy to make new friends.  

It also really does not help that we are facing another bad hurricane season.  I know that there are people in much worse condition than me, but that doesn't help me feel less stressed out.   

boundaries

 Talking through witnessing an abusive incident with a coworker, she said something about someone being afraid of not being liked.  

"Who cares?  Lots of people don't like me, doesn't affect me."

"No, people don't know you.  That's different from not liking you."

Ah, I do believe she caught on to my boundaries and invulnerabilities.  If I do not open myself up to everyone, but am instead selective, then I do not have to waste energy on the negativity.  At least in theory.

This I am definitely good with. 

opportunity

 An opening presented itself, a friend immediately notified me of it, and I quickly applied.  It's actually at an organization where I used to work so if familiarity is helpful I'll have an in.  I can actually small talk several of the people in charge even, which is not always true for me.  On the other hand, if they're looking for new blood, I'm not the one.  Or if they already have somebody lined up for it, which is usually the case.  Or if they're too stuck on picturing me in my old role which is quite different from this opening.  Or if the person who doesn't like me because I didn't coddle him once when he demanded it refuses me. 

But we will see.  I definitely threw my hat in the ring for consideration.  

If I get it, there will be a significant pay increase but also I would have to change some things.  I would probably need to get a new car, as my 21 year old pickup isn't great for all the driving around (and parking in small spaces) that I would have to do.  I would have to figure out dog care, maybe get a roommate as a dog nanny.  No more coming home for lunch or enjoying short days.  It would be a more consuming job than what I currently have for sure.  I don't anticipate 3 am phone calls but there would be evenings and weekends for sure.  I would have to reconfigure my life, hiring people to do things that I now do myself while still trying to keep my expenses low enough to save to retire.  I would have to dress fancier.  Considerably so, actually, as I currently pride myself on being the schlubbiest schlub around (I have only five work blouses and they're all much too large). 

And while I love my life with the puttering around the garden, I can take a change.  I can work hard again for the right thing, and this would frankly be a culmination of all my professional expertise.  I don't know that the hiring board will see that but hopefully I get an interview where I can convince them (and push them past how they previously know me).  I could do good things and I am uniquely qualified.  

So, fingers crossed.  It would change everything and I would not be leaving in a year, but it would be worth it to stay.  If I get this new job, I would anticipate staying at minimum three years (four years would get me in a better position financially).  

And if I don't get it, that's fine too.  I'm here another year and then I'm gone, to a place where I'll find another job that pays better than where I am now. 

Everything will work out one way or another.

But I will say that as I spent hours with kale yesterday (harvesting and preparing and preserving) - and it should be noted that I don't even particularly like kale - that I would also be ok with shifting gears some and letting farmers and chefs prepare my food sometimes.   On the other hand, I am very much enjoying things I"ve preserved from my garden, like loquat jam and pickled carrots, and there is no sourdough bread or yogurt better than what I make myself.  But maybe there is a balance to be found. 

suck it up

 I'm so unmotivated at work.  I have several large projects I need to focus on but I'm dragging.

It doesn't help that it's a shockingly dysfunctional workplace where nearly everyone is an idiot.  I wish I were exaggerating. The internal sabotage is astounding. 

But this is not forever and I really need to suck it the hell up.  I am so close to my student loan finishing (any day now ... just waiting for the paperwork to process).  So close to vesting in the retirement system (probably 4.5 months, depending on how they count some things).  And I could do my PhD.  If I could just motivate myself, I could dig in an potentially finish in a year.  It would require a lot of focus and work, but it's do-able.  I've set up a perfect "storm" for it to work out that way.  

But I need my motivation.  

I feel so burdened by so many tasks that I want to complete first.  Like getting this Ikea furniture assembled, garden mulched, windows fixed, blinds installed, paint touchups, organize office, and so on and so on.  I just live in such chaos that it's so hard to focus.  

But I really need to; I can't stay in this limbo forever.

And once I get this all done, I can look at moving away.  To a cooler climate without hurricanes, and hopefully where I can get a higher paying job.  

I'm just trying to give myself a pep talk here. 

trade

 I'm in a barter-trade group and it's not been great.  It seems like the same person trying to get rid of her crap for snacks for her kid over and over and over.  

But.  I was able to get a coral honeysuckle which is thriving in trade for trash that my tenant had left.  And now I'm very excited to trade extra hand sanitizer (I always buy too much) for a ceramic coffee pour over.  I've been wanting one for ages and didn't want to buy one as I have a plastic one that works just fine, but this is great! 

gratifying

 I grow food to share.  I grow more than I need and I grow things I don't particularly like but others do.  

Last week I shared a bag of kale with a coworker.  Mind you, that kale needs to get out of the garden already.  It's hot, so hot, and the harlequin bugs are making a mess of it after I took care of the army worms.  It's been trying to bolt and now it doesn't even have energy to try.

But this coworker came to me today to say that the kale had made it in the mother's day feast and she has photos of the process, from washing to preparing to cooking to eating.  "It was SO GOOD.  Do you know how much that would cost at the farmer's market?"  

I'm not selling my food at the farmer's market.  I toyed with that for a brief moment in time, but it's not for me.  I just want to share.  So I do.  

But it's gratifying to be thanked. 

mess

I borrowed a bed frame from a friend when I arrived last year, and it is a large old wooden frame.

I hate it.

My bedroom is small and the frame is monstrously large.  Unable to stand it a minute longer, I spent the day moving furniture and cleaning.  I moved everythign out of the guest room and deep cleaned for construction dust.  I haven't finished the windows (I need to fix them so they open again, clean deeply, caulk, install blinds, various other such things) so I didn't set the big bed up as it will block access.  I would love to give the bed back but it's not a great time for them.  I don't think I can sell it for what they were asking before they let me borrow it - honestly I dont' even think I could give it away.  It's a beast.  

It was an opportunity to also deep clean my bedroom, so I emptied it out.  It looks awesome now, just a bed and a nightstand.  I have furniture being delivered tomorrow including two armoires for the bedroom, but my hope is that it will be a cleaner space than before, with a rather ugly but functional dresser (now in the guest room) and a clothesrack (insufficient closet space in this house).  It doesn't solve the problem of how the dog and I drag dirt in with us all the time, but maybe it will be easier to keep clean.  

I am nearing time to transition again.  I cannot stay so removed from the world.  Especially with the news about abortion rights in peril, I feel compelled to take more action in my life.  But so I need my home to be my sanctuary.  I need to finish all this mess so that I can move on to more important things. 

contact

 As I've been retreating more and more, I can feel isolated.

But the universe has other plans.

One of my best friends called today; we haven't spoken for six months.  That's not unusual, life happens.

Then my former landlord from way up north called and he's in town and we went out to dinner.

My best friend from grad school called and we checked in with plans to talk further soon in person.  I haven't seen her since I got back a year ago, even though we used to really go out of our way to be sure to see each other.  And her eldest child (I remember when I saw the ultrasound) is going to a great high school where kids of other friends go.  The adults have all met each other at my gatherings but the children were little.  I miss those days a lot, of us getting together.  Those were years of really good days. 

An insurance adjuster called (my insurance company went bankrupt but it's from whoever is handling it).  

THAT WAS A LOT.

I'm tired.

But also relieved that I'm not an island but still a part of a web.

cupboards and clock

 It's been nearing four weeks since work "finished" on my house, and I'm slowly moving along.  Today was kind of a big day because I hung the clock that I bought last summer to hang.  Waiting to paint, then waiting to have a ceiling repaired, and now it's hung.  Yay.  And I cleaned out more cupboards.  I think I'm finished but there might be one more.  I have to take everything out, wipe it down, wipe down the cupboard, and replace in a better order.  Check expirations, all that.  I just kept blowing it off, but now it's done.

I started on the guest room but I got really overwhelmed because they did such a crappy job on the windows and shower ceiling.  Like, I have to go to town with tools and caulk on the windows to fix them, and I have to get joint compound and stipling brush for the fucking shower, in addition to all the cleaning I have to do from the messes they made.  So, now I have assessed and I'll go one step at a time.  Cursing along the way.

I've just really had a lot of crappy work done and I'm pissed off every time I have to face it.