cost effective

 Today was absolutely grueling.  No end in sight.  Tried to keep working late to do the most urgent of things, but I was DONE.  My work is fine, it's that I have to spend so much of my time covering for other people and do their work.  It's too much. 

But I still changed my phone carrier.  I started the process this weekend and I finished it tonight.  Boom.  Just saved myself $417 because it's free for a year with my internet provider.  I tried to go to Tello for $8/month, but I couldn't port in my phone number so fuck that.  Actually, once I calculate the taxes I would have paid, I saved myself $584.  Also, my internet costs half what they tried to charge me because I called and asked, so that's another $540, or $756 considering taxes, so that's $1340 that I saved over the next 12 months.  

Yes, I'm proud of myself.  

a week in the life

It's amazing how feeling ok makes everything seem easier.  So I'm going to lean into this feeling ok and enjoy it while it lasts.  Got some goodness from the farmers market and store, and biking home I ran again into elderly neighbor and we caught up again.  We talked about it and I might offer to take over the neighborhood email/phone list since the person assigned to it isn't managing it, and I think we need to have a means of contact.  Elderly Neighbor was talking about how there used to be block parties every 4th of July; she worked for the city and knew how to get streets blocked off.  that would be fun.  She said there was an older neighbor who really wanted one on Labor Day, and when they made it happen she died soon thereafter.  I like that story, dying satisfied from a neighborhood party.  Elderly Neighbor references her end not infrequently, well aware she's in her 80s and of mortality as her husband died last year after a long illness.  

It's now about 2 pm and I want to stay motivated, not lose my mojo.   

**

And I did!  I didn't get everything done, but I got a lot done. Unfortunately, I should have taken more time instead.  AFTER I planted the garlic I took the time to do focused research and yes, I have garlic mites, and no, I shouldn't have planted what and how I did.  But I'm not going to go dig them up, so I'll hope for flooding winter rains in this super el nino year, and I won't get planting stock.  For all the cloves left, I think I'll process and freeze them.  So anyway, I'm annoyed with myself for just proceeding because I just really wanted the damn thing done.  

And the pitas weren't great.  Definitely not worth making again.  I may try other recipes or I may give up.  

Now it's Sunday morning and I slept late (almost 8 am) and I couldn't help myself from finishing the relish, so that's what I'm doing - have the jars heating and the vinegar spice mixture ready and relish rinsed and drained, just need to cook the relish a bit and then can for 10 minutes and I'm done.  then I'll take the dog out even though it'll be quite late. Hopefully not long after 9 am, but that's considerably later than I'd prefer.  Oh well.  hopefully we can get at least a little walk in.  The dog has been SO clingy, making gardening tasks difficult, yelling 100 times at her to move out of the way or I will crush her with the wheelbarrow.  

I also didn't make the salads yesterday but I'll do that today - cabbage/garbanzo and Russian potato salad with carrots and fermented pickles.  And I'll make white bean kale soup, and prep rice-lentil dish (or vice versa re: prep and make, since brown rice takes so long to cook).  That will last me into the week.  Oh, that's another thing I really like to eat with pitas, the purple cabbage salad.  OH well.   

This relish smells sooooo good, and I do very much enjoy eating it (mostly with tuna, maybe I should expand its range).  It made 7 jars of varying sizes.  Totally worth making it even though it takes some time; nice way to use up a bunch of cucumbers.  There were a couple of storebought brands of relish I used for years, but they have sugar and preservatives that I don't need - and food dye.  Need to color the relish?  No.  Jars are just out, they're pinging, yay.  

**

That potato salad hit the spot, even though I put in too little salt and pickles (will remedy).  Potatoes always make me feel good.  It's the Irish in me?  Which I always think of as so weird since potatoes weren't a native food there.  

I'll need to make some more lacto-fermented pickles as that used up much of a jar.  I'll keep an eye on my cucumbers once i have a jar full.  They're definitely slowing down with the cooler weather.  I signed up for a class on making hot sauce so that should be fun if I can get myself there.  I'm sure I can learn how on-line, but in-person can be better.  

Just finished cleaning the kitchen, will take a gander through the garden and see what's up (more raspberries? Cucumbers? zucchini?  How are those collards doing?).  It's not yet 1 pm and I think the only critical task I have before me is the clean the house, and that shouldn't take too long.  Then I can just relax, which is wonderful.  The dog is napping beside me as I have a cup of tea (Bengal Spice from Celestial Seasonings).  

Oh right on, another book being held for me.  Need to finish a couple of books this afternoon to return when I pick those up, hopefully tomorrow. 

**

As I think about 2.25 more years in this job, I do also need to remind myself that's not a prison sentence.  If a good job comes along (after April 2027), I can leave and take it.  If the dog dies, I can leave.  I just need 2.25 more years if neither of those things happen.  I need to stay settled for the dog, and not arrested.  But I want to turn more counterculture when she's gone.  Just read a book review of End Times Fascism and I'm very much looking forward to reading it.  I need to be more activist, not using all the best parts of me just to make money to survive.  

I'm on the 22nd book I've read in 2026, which seems like not a lot of books.  Maybe I'll read a lot more as the weather cools down.  I should have spent more time outside today, it was perfect, but I didn't really want to.  I was out there a bit.  the dog also spent quality time out there alone - I saw her lying down, calmly sniffing the air, enjoying herself.  

 **

Got a text from Friend from Grad School who asked if she could interest in me a food event this weekend ... that I'd already signed up for, which amuses me.  When we were in grad school we connected more, and we're good enough friends to visit in other places (I visited when they lived in Savannah; she once took a day off work to train out to visit me on a long layover in I think Atlanta), but with her married with children, it's different.  Some friends, that deepens our relationship.  Others, not so much.  Her kids and I definitely don't click.  Her husband is nice but also not really a click; some of which is linguistic.  Her kids' issues are a bit consuming for her, so I don't expect her to be available much.  Anyway, we'll have fun at this event together.  

It's another morning when I have to be early to work, and it's ok today, I think.  I'm letting the rude coworker cover something for me.  She may fuck it up despite (or because of) my clear instructions, but oh well.  

Got the bill for the porch repairs, went out and looked and not sure that's final done so the guy is coming back today.  I see gaps that I thought were supposed to be filled in, but I'm not a mason so maybe they're needed for the expansion, etc.  i don't know.  But I want the mason to tell me that if so, to explain it.  It's hundreds of dollars I'm paying, I don't want it to turn to shit right away.  This managing workers thing is annoying.  Every time I step out of my shower, I see that the tile guy really needed a fresh blade for cuts along the outside row.  It's not that bad, though I notice it daily.  I'm SO glad that I demanded my kitchen be redone - that tile job was horribly done, and I have no complaints with the redo.  I shouldn't have had to request the redo, but that's ok.  The bathroom definitely is not high-end work, but you get what you pay for, and it's ok for a very good bargain.  It's functional, which it wasn't really before.  

**

It's Thursday and what a lovely day.  I slept until about 7:30 and that was fine, but then I was in back-to-back remote meetings so couldn't head to the office until almost noon.  The weather is perfect for bikeriding, low to mid 70s.  I stopped at a new little restaurant and unfortunately it is going to be short-lived - all they had one was little counter of pastries in what was before them a large bustling full restaurant (with the largest menu I've ever seen - pages and pages and pages).  I got a cookie, which was fine, good even, but not exceptional.  They better have a side gig to make this work.  Maybe they are doing events catering or something.  Hope so or I don't know how they'll possibly pay their rent.  Weather supposed to be the same for a few days so think I'll keep biking into the office.  May even be able to hang laundry to dry on Sunday.  The rains will be returning soon and they will be heavy, so I want to enjoy this bit of dryness as much as I can.  Even if I need to do some watering. 

I got an unsolicited invitation from Louisiana to apply for a job for which I'm abundantly qualified but would not work for the employer.  No idea how they got my email but it was very targeted, not spam, and of course it has me thinking.  I do so miss Louisiana.  But my elderly neighbor emailed last night about how happy she is that I've moved into this close-knit neighborhood and she hopes I stay a long time.  She's a hoot - there's an old list of neighbors that I've updated for her as she goes door to door with her walking sticks, demanding people's contact information.  I enjoy her, and it's fun teamwork to just be the computer updater in the evenings.  There's maybe 60 people on the list; it's about four block area and there's very little info missing thanks to Elderly Neighbor's drive.  It was started years back in case of disaster, and somebody updated it a few years ago, but we decided we needed a new update, and there have been a lot of changes.  Not so much a change in residents though some, more updates to emails and phone numbers.  I definitely appreciate having it, especially after we lost power so long a few years ago and it was so cold and lonely and I had no way to make coffee.  It was so icy (like, SO BAD) I didn't want to venture out and knock on doors of people I didn't know.  Anyway, now I could send out a mass email and check in and distribute resources as necessary.  I'm much better prepared now, and can help others. 

I'm in trouble again at work and I am not flinching.  My boss does this incredibly annoying thing, "I need to talk to you, I'll find time on your calendar two days in the future."  Bitch, NO.  I called her right away.  She said she needed to leave for a vaccine and I said she needed to talk now.  My secretary feels like she's constantly being corrected and it's making her unhappy, and I don't want her to be unhappy - I like her very much.  But her error rate is sky high and I AM always having to correct her.  It's ridiculous how bad she is at basic tasks.  And what really pushed my buttons was her overwriting my edits and replacing them with her wrong words.  I was like, NO, YOU CANNOT DO THAT.  She also cannot send out things with my name without my approval, because she keeps fucking that up too. IT'S MY NAME.  I GET TO HAVE FINAL APPROVAL.  So I'm really sorry that's demoralizing - I'm not trying to be mean.  But I'm long past the days of just sucking it up.  My boss said they'd offer her support to improve.  I said that's fine but I have brought these issues up multiple times, had meetings with her and also with my secretary's boss, and she's reverting to how she was before.  And she is stressed out with her personal life, I know that.  I really am not trying to be mean, but this is a job.  I think she needs to take a leave of absence, honestly, but that's not my call and it would be hard for me to manage without her at all.  But the point is just - I refuse to get upset about this like the first time my boss pulled this on me.  She caused me sleepless nights with this bullshit and affected my health, and I am over it.  I slept nine fucking hours last night.  It does bother me if my secretary is bothered because she is a legitimately good person.  She just really needs to proofread her work and follow directions.  I'm not mean for asking for accuracy and not working unpaid overtime to fix other's mistakes.

The dog is also happy I pulled out the tomato plants - she's got her favorite spot in the yard back, where she likes to sit and smell the world.  I have some cucumbers fermenting and need to process zucchini.   

 **

 Yay for Fridays and being productive at work, and finding a helpful intern to review something and she actually provided really helpful feedback.  Like, I haven't had good feedback on my writing in so many years, I'd missed it.  And so I'm in a good space for a stressful very big project next week, not having to work this weekend.  That's a first before one of these very big projects.  I still have lots to do, but I'll be ok.  

And I am bummed for my secretary because she's clearly struggling, but I don't appreciate her giving attitude about being wrong.  Stop and think first, then check it, and if you're still wrong then fix it.  Things like DON'T MISSPELL MY NAME or put the wrong organization on the return address!  Don't give wrong dates to people, don't ignore critical tasks assigned to you.  

And the mean girl?  She's actually talked to me.  

But we just learned that one of our people is being transferred but that we can't fill her position.  We have to do full-time coverage of her work for at least five months.  This is some bullshit.  There are like nine of us doing my job, so that's a significant increase in work, on people already stretched thin.  

**

Someone very important to me professionally has just let us know that's he's stepping away because his wife was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer and he wants to spend as much quality time with her as possible including vacations as possible.  I have such tremendous respect for this person and have always said that the day he says he retires is the day I give notice.  Unfortunately I can't do that quite yet, but my job will be harder at many junctures without him.  And I'm so grateful for him that he can do this - step away from a job in which he is very important - and do what's best for him and his family.  I want to send him a card but having a hard time with the wording.  it's a balance of "good for you" and "we will miss you because you're outstanding."  

Life is short and not guaranteed.  Gotta live it.  

My phone rebooted for updates so I was reminded about unlistened to voicemails.  Most of it is spammers - I'm getting multiple calls a day ever since I recently shopped for better insurance.  But there was a voicemail from the "concierge" doctor that sounded unhinged, frankly.  I started seeing him a few months ago on recommendation of a colleague.  He was enthusiastic about trying to figure out what's wrong with me, though mostly he talked about himself which I thought was weird, but everyone is allowed to be quirky so I forked out the $2,300 fee - hard to do, but worth it on a promise of figuring out what's wrong.  What I say is that I have never recovered after multiple bouts of malaria and then chikungunya, that I have chronic fatigue and pain with flare-ups and I don't have enough energy for a very demanding stressful job and also life, and I don't think this is how I should be feeling.  Instead of any response to that I got sent to all sorts of tests that aren't important to me now and not related to this (mammogram type things), and I reminded him that I really want to focus on the chronic fatigue and pain which are closely related.  Also found it weird that after 2-3 office visits there was never an exam.  And him talking about himself and conferences didn't seem to get any better.  So he sends me articles about chikungunya and malaria, most of which I've already read, and he is missing some important things, but whatever.  Then he sends me for a malaria test and I'm like, I understand that malaria can stay in my liver but I'm not telling you that I have malaria, just that's when I got really sick that I have never gotten better from.  I was very busy at work and didn't have time to go test for awhile, especially it's at a lab not convenient, and his office and then him were reminding me about it.  I've told him repeatedly that my work is very demanding and have very little flexibility during the workday to deal with anything else most of the time.  Of course the malaria test was negative.  Then he says he wants to send me for testing three days in a row during a flare.  Clearly this man has never experienced a flare or a challenging job, because that is impossible.  When I am experiencing a flare, I can barely breathe, and work is too much.  No way can I drive all over town for testing on top of living.  And also, this really doesn't seem like what's going on with me - I've had malaria, and some of the symptoms are similar, but I don't think this is just malaria recurring, I think it's something else.  Again, I just refer to that as the initiation point.  One doctor realized that my red blood cells are wonky and tried to trace that down but then she left and we never got an answer.  

So then I messaged a couple of weeks ago and said I think I have something like a UTI and it's problematic and interferes with sleep and work.  He sent me to a test and culture, which I did promptly because I could do it at a lab near me and make an appointment so not kill hours, and when it came back he like moved on (it's negative, you don't have an infection even though another measure shows there's something wrong, but I'm done talking about that now) so I asked about treatment (I meant or next steps to identify issue but I was very busy).  He said to go see a gynecologist.  Like, dude, if you wanted me to see a gynecologist you should have told me that earlier because I don't have one, and I'm in some considerable distress here LIKE I TOLD YOU.  So I said I don't have a gynecologist, I'll reach out to my last doctor see what they can do.  And then he called and left a long voicemail that I didn't listen to BECAUSE I'M BUSY during the workday, and because I needed to use my bandwidth to get connected with a provider who would address the issues since he'd blown me off.  And I did - I got in the next day with them, we did some testing, and I'm going for an ultrasound next week, and a referral to a urologist.  I was asked really good questions by both the triage nurse and the PA that I saw.  Contrast that with the "concierge" doctor who asked zero questions.  

So when I listened to his voicemail yesterday from last week, I first noticed his tone.  He spent three minutes essentially berating me for not communicating better - that he's doing all these things for me, this research about malaria, but then I say I can't do all this testing he wants to order.  But he hasn't convinced me that the testing is related to the symptoms.  And then he said that he could prescribe vaginal estrogen and said a diagnosis off-hand that I couldn't even hear, because my distress which I described to him - the lack of sleep and interference with work because of whatever's going on with my urinary tract - is just something to dismiss.  He never asked me any questions but he's diagnosing it as something "because that's common in menopause."  Dude.  You have completely depersonalized me and are not listening to me, and you're not even listening to which part of my body is causing problems.  And now you're trying to SCOLD ME for not dropping everything in my overly busy days to run around on unlikely guesses?  FUCK. YOU.  This is hyperbolic, but it's like going to the hospital because my arm was just chopped off and they say, "You know, let's check your cholesterol" and totally ignore my missing limb.  

ANYWAY.

The pepper sauce class was fun and I learned a lot and saw Friend from Grad School.  We got to take home peppers so I have some just about ready to roll to make a double batch.  Just need to go grab some garlic, and that always takes me some effort because of the mite situation and how that makes me angry that I let that happen somehow.  

Verdict: the pepper sauce is tasty but VERY hot.  It will not be the type of sauce I spoon on or dip chips into, it'll be a few drops here, maybe mixed into the salsa that's mild.  It's bright orange as I'd wanted, almost like carrot juice.  Very pretty.  Five jars worth.  A nice Saturday project to finish.  

Have a zucchini pie in the oven now, never made one before but going to try it.  The zucchini are still producing well and may for another short bit.  After sharing, I still have a fair bit. 

Very sadly, my winter squash are not really producing.  Last year I had dozens to eat until April and it was so wonderful; guess I'll have to buy some this year.  That's ok.  Last year I had to so focus on eating up the winter squash that I didn't eat many sweet potatoes, which are similar enough for me to not want to be duplicative.  I do like sweet potatoes.  I didn't notice much winter squash at my nearby grocery store, but I wasn't looking and they are usually very good at prioritizing local producers.  Which is frankly a lot more convenient than the farmers market - which is only once or twice a week and requires a special trip downtown, and it can be a little overwhelming for me.  

**

Well, this sucks.  I slept less than four hours last night due to whatever is going on with my organs.  I'm exhausted.  Wish I could figure out what's going on.  I couldn't go to sleep because of the issues and then woke up at 3 am and can't go back to sleep.  I have ultrasounds scheduled for Friday, so that's good, and the imaging place has always been top notch - professional and timely.  That and my podiatrist are the only medical professionals I actually trust in this town.  

Once I woke up, I was consumed with thoughts about work, but I don't think that's why i woke up - it's the pressure in my bladder and surrounding area.  I was able to turn the thoughts to other things, but still couldn't go back to sleep.  So I'm up.  I doubt I'll be able to nap, I rarely can, but hopefully I'll be able to go to bed early and sleep through the night.  I did sleep nine hours the other night as catch up after other lack of sleep nights from this, so ... here's hoping.  I'll walk the dog once it's light, then slowly move through the day.  Last night I started a new book, Cloudthief, and it's engaging already.  

I made "zucchini pie" (not a pie: there's no crust; it's a lot of zucchini with eggs, whole wheat flour, cheese) yesterday which is ok (the onions needed to be much finer to not be so crunch), but it definitely needs a salad with it, so I think I'll use the carrots from my garden with a mustard vinaigrette and cilantro and green onions - use up what I've got in the fridge.  My favorite herb with carrots is chervil, but I didn't grow any this year.  I will forever be chasing simple supermarket carrot salads that I used to live on in France.  I also have about 1/3 of a head of purple cabbage I'll do something good with.  Also want to make lentils and rice today.  If I'm feeling industrious, some zucchini muffins to freeze, and freeze the rest of the zucchini I shredded yesterday.  I might also make a healthy-ish blackberry dessert, not sure what.  I need to start eating up all the berries I have frozen.  The go-to is with yogurt and musli.  Or that berry millet "cake" that I like so much, though I think it's best with blueberries and raspberries.  I'll find something good for the blackberries, probably with oats.  I do like oats.  My Irish heritage shines through.  

 Well, my rice has bugs in it and that's not appetizing.  Maybe I'll do barley with lentils instead.  Or quinoa.  Or farro. I've got other grains.  The rice is in the freezer to kill the bugs.  It's a lot of bugs.  I'm displeased with that.  I've been buying it in bulk, this was bought four months ago.  I was hoping Costco still had the short grain brown rice from Lundberg in the big bag and I can just freeze it all and pull it out as needed, but alas, it's not coming up as in stock.  

**

OK, so my hardneck garlic is not in such bad shape - I see some evidence of mites but there's not rot like I saw a lot of in the softneck.  I processed maybe half of the hardneck (or less), got peeled cloves on a tray in the freezer.  It's hard on the hands, which are already all cut up, so I'll work on it gradually.  

Got the carrot salad done and it's pretty good.  It'll be better tomorrow.  Lentils and farro are wrapping up now.  Good dinner ahead.  I still need to pull my laundry from the line and vacuum.  I did clean the tub and it has water spots on it that I can't seem to get off, and because the tub is refinished I can't use anything with grip like I normally would.  I would very much prefer to not have to wipe down my tub every single time I use it - that is too much.  

And now I've vacuumed, so the critical things are done.  I survived this day on so little sleep.  

**

Yay, I slept over 9 hours.  The dog is still lounging on the couch and hasn't gone out, which for her is like 11 hours.  

What did I do different?  I didn't eat anything for several hours before bed, didn't drink carbonated water all day.  Did drink water and herbal tea up until bed.  I'm definitely willing to adjust my habits to be able to sleep through the night. 

It's densely foggy out and that's how my brain feels as well.  I'll probably bike into the office soon though to push that fog out and focus.  

My neighbor's latest email includes that there are five people over the age of 80 on her block (it's a long block - like 2-3 normal blocks, but still that's a lot).  She walks a lot every day and is social, no surprise how she's lived that long.  And there are definitely advantages to aging in place both personally and sociologically, but this does also make me think about the housing crisis in our town.   

It's a Monday.  Another week to get through without getting sick or having a flare-up.   

dreams of Russian potato salad

 So, I played my aggravation well - I did not volunteer for the onerous task my boss delayed asking for, and the person who is rude had to agree to do it, including moving her appointments around.  HA.  

And then, my boss ordered us all to work in the office.  Not all the time, but she set a date, which she's never done before.  The truth is that she's never done it because she doesn't want to have to be in the office, but people love having a hybrid schedule.  and then she couched it as a helpful thing for us all to be there, but bitch - that ship sailed YEARS ago.  I'll go, and I'll sit in my office with the door closed, and I'll leave for lunch.  No, I won't be brown bagging in the conference room with you, or eating the bagels you promise as though that will bring us in happy.  Bagels fuck with my blood sugar, no thank you.  Massive carb load.

Whatever.  Her punishment bothers me less than others. 

And, I was late to work today because I decided to do some garden chores.  I was only 1/2 hour late which is not that big of a deal, but I ripped out the tomatoes because the weather is now cool and they're all splitting because of rain and the plants are a literal pain for me and they were in the way.  And I harvested all my carrots, some of which look actually very nice but it took them waaaay longer to grow than it shoudl have, and most didn't grow much at all.  The turnips didn't actually produce at all.  That bed was a real bummer; hopefully it was just the lack of sunlight.  But that bed is now cleared so I can empty the soil elsewhere in the garden and hopefully plant the garlic this weekend.  And harvest dry beans.  I just froze all the green beans I harvested yesterday because I just wasn't feeling it, to cook and eat them soon.  What I really want is cabbage and potatoes, so I'll probably get some this weekend.  I'm craving a potato salad I had in Russia, with pickles - I'll use fermented pickles.  

I lived in Russia for about six months in about 1992, and it was very hard.  Not a pleasant experience.  There are of course wonderful Russians, but many of the people i met were duplicitous at best, and the organization I was there with fell apart when the organizers embezzled all the money and left the country in the middle of the night, and somehow the situation became my problem to manage - paying teachers and host families, threatening the English contact person to bring me a backpack of cash to do all that, going down dark alleys for sketchy contacts - it was just all so weird.  The family I lived with was weird - the mother an alcoholic with no boundaries, and they'd just disappear with me and the chldren left alone with no food - and getting food was difficult; I had to jump in any food line I found, always ready, and the systems were hard (going from counter to cashier back to counter, and such food shortages).  We'd go to the dacha to the father's mother and she had survived the siege of Leningrad and was very hardened by it - she'd tell me tales as I helped with house and garden tasks - and she was racist and antisemitic and that came out in unpleasant ways, and it was just one of the most difficult situations I've ever been in, and I finally escaped on a train in the middle of the night and I was so sick and only brought a big bag of gooseberries to eat, and I landed in Germany and called my ex-boyfriend's family and they connected me with him and he nursed me back to health and 

ANYWAY.

I miss a salad I ate in Russia not infrequently.  And I"ll make that. 

Russia was one of the least pleasant places I've been, but there are so many other wonderful memories of other places.  I was remembering last night about the time that my driver/lover was teaching me to drive in West Africa, and we went out to some interesting spots, and then I was driving and ended up down a road that led to a Bangladeshi peacekeeping force, and there was no way to turn around, so I just kept going, and after some tense moments, they invited us in and then their top brass came to see what was going on and they fed us and enjoyed our company as they were kept really isolated from the people of the country, and it turned into a really wonderful day all around, one of the best days I've ever had.  I am not the most hospitable person, but I really appreciate when I experience it.  

ANYWAY, while being late to work I also pulled the cucumber plant I don't like because they're bitter.  I'd kept them around because Dear Friend likes bitter cucumbers, but now she's gone.  But hopefully I find some more cucumbers and can make a big batch of dill relish tomorrow to can, to stock up.  I stuffed that green waste bin FULL.  I just read I could also substitute zucchini for cucumbers so I may do that to get to my cucumber allotment.  Or I may pick up a cucumber or two at the store when I pick up potatoes to make the potato salad I cannot stop thinking about.  Or maybe I'll go to the farmers market instead of the store - I have a hard time keeping to budget at the market because there's so much good stuff.  Who can resist beets and chard?  Not I.  

**

Another attitude adjustment, and this one is huge, is that maybe it's not the end of the world to stay in this town.  The benefits are starting to shine more - the lack of real traffic problems, the access to fresh food.  I still don't have enough friends, but I think there are enough activities to facilitate me meeting friends once I'm no longer consumed by work.  Hopefully.  I do like my elderly neighbor, for example, even though I may have alienated her and her friends by an interaction on the bike path this week (about the pending group home in our neighborhood - someone absolutely doesn't like conflict and I find it necessary when the organization isn't giving any information, to continue to push and question).  

And there are of course benefits of my house - the garage is a big one, the gardens.  I interact with people who think that garages are a massive waste of space and priority, but I love my garage.  Sure, for parking my car in to keep in good condition and ease of unloading in the rain and not having to scrape windows in winter, but also for projects is a big one and for storing things - things like my bicycle which I use all the time, canning jars and supplies, garden produce that is curing, garden supplies, tools.  I use all these things, they improve my life, and without a garage it would be a challenge.

But also other things with this house that I put in like the induction stove, the heat pump heat and AC.  

And so it is really too much house for me, I don't need the 1260 sq ft or whatever I have of living area, but it's got its advantages, and I'm not 100% certain that I want to be unhoused and flitting from friend to friend.  Though that has its advantages as well, especially the quality time with people who matter to me. And I do still think that an intentional community is the way to go for me, I just have to find where I want to be, and I don't want to settle for something less than what is something I can commit to - that will take time and effort to find and I'm not so sure I want to give up home base.  

this pushes me back to wanting to hold my nose and just bear through another 2.25 years - hopefully enough to pay off the house and have enough to retire.  There are so many things that I dislike about my job, and some things that I can mitigate - like by all the planning in advance of big projects and not procrastinating, it reduces the stress considerably; this is hard for my support staff to understand and I have to keep pushing them to follow the timelines that I set.  But those timelines frankly save my life - the stress that piles on me without it is completely intolerable.  I communicate A LOT and it avoids problems I see crop up with colleagues.  I front-load the work and set clear footings, and so far that has worked for me to avoid some of the really big issues that colleagues have been dealing with that frankly I don't have the mental or physical stamina to handle.  I live in constant fear that one of those things will still happen to me - and maybe they have, but my strong skills with breaking big problems into small pieces and handling them one by one has worked to avoid the worst of it.  I will never have some of the skills of some of my colleagues, but I have other skills to manage this incredibly difficult job.  And pushing back on the volunteering to take on other work - I'm sticking with that even though it's hard for me.  I'll continue to follow all rules and administrative requirements, but I'm becoming that pesky old guy in the office close to retirement who will balk at anything more than the minimum.  That is how I can hopefully survive.  I'm 60% of the way to my goal.  More than half.  I deserve a solid retirement savings and mean girls and other people's procrastination shouldn't push me out.  

This job market is weird and I have less faith than I've had at any time before that I'd be able to easily get a job.  Once before it was this bad, when I finished grad school in like 2009, and it did take me WAY too long to find a job - it was almost a year to get a job, and it paid like 1/3 of what I was making before, and it was really hard to find acceptable housing with that very low pay.  Yes, I have more experience now, but I'm also older and crotchetier, so age discrimination works against me.  And now I have to think ahead - if I live into my 80s, do I want to have to worry about how Ill pay for my life?  No, I don't.  Present me may need to suffer for future me.  

Anyway. 

Weather says it's 43 degrees out and it's overcast, but it looks dry-ish.  Yes, soil is harder to move when wet, which it is now as we've had rain, but I still want to get this done and get the garlic planted!  Top priority.   

The repairs to my front porch are underway and it looks great.  The brickwork had been coming off, the mortar breaking down, so they've remortared and are sealing it.  Now I'll be inspired to change out the front storm door which is broken.  Friend installed a new one that she's really liked and it's not too expensive so maybe that will be sooner than later.  It would be nice to have one that I can close and lock (the current one doesn't close), and then I could potentially use it for ventilation with its window (the windows on the east side of my living room don't open), or for when people knock on my door.  It is always going to be a challenge to not overspend on home updates - I'd love a new driveway, new siding, new patio - I could spend so much money.  But I need to make do with what is good enough when possible, and consider cost-benefit ratio.  $400 on a storm door that makes my house front look nicer and allows ventilation is maybe worth the cost; $770 on repairs to my porch that would have had to be done when I sold the house because loose bricks are a trip hazard - totally worth it.  

I'm a bit excited about change of season.  Not really excited, but open to it.  it's perfect now with cool weather and enough rain that I don't have to water the garden.  Once I get the new garden beds set up, and put in a bunch more native plants after my landscape architect gives me advice and makes a wholesale order for me, outside work should be slowing down and once it turns very soggy outside I can turn to inside projects, such as finishing more quilts and perfecting a whole wheat pita recipe for me since Trader joe's is no longer delivering the goods on that (their new ones are gross and have 2 g added sugar each - and I have a firm no added sugar before lunch rule, plus that's 20% of my daily allocation on most days, so ... no).  I can focus on maybe hiking when the weather doesn't suck, volunteering, reading, more cooking.  Learn to prune my own trees, even though I do very much like my tree pruner and I want to hear about his trip to Japan.  

I am also realizing that my house gets dirty really quickly.  I can scrub the outside siding but it just is dirty again a few weeks later.  NOt as dirty, but not clean.  Why kill myself to scrub it down?  Though I do want to try again to get the windows clean.  

 **

Garlic is planted, yay!  Beds formed with soil, fertilized, planted, watered, lightly mulched, covered with fencing to hopefully keep critters (dog) out.  I still need to process the rest for storage.  Unfortunately some seems damaged - rotten, mildewed.  Not sure why.  Maybe it stayed in the ground too long before harvest. 

NOw I need to shower, head to market.  The spend some time in the kitchen - start dill relish, start whole wheat pitas, make salads (cabbage-garbanzo salad, Russian potato salad), can beans.  Then clean house.  Read, process dried beans if they dry out.  

This is what a good day looks like to me.   

attitude shifts

 I'm shifting attitudes, as I do.

I've got some urinary tract issue.  I contacted my new doctor and he sent me to a UA and culture.  Leukocytes erithrase again elevated, more than before, but culture negative.  That's sterile pyuria, if you care.  His assistant told me to go see my gynecologist, which really pissed me off.  If I needed to see a gynecologist, then that should have been said three days prior when I said this is a problem.  Why doesn't my doctor do any kind of exams?  I didn't come unglued but expressed my displeasure and said I'd see my prior PCP.  He left a voicemail that I just need estrogen and he can prescribe that.  Dude, what?

Look, I get that I am not a doctor.  I get that I'm in menopause.  But I can read valid medical sites about how lots of different things can cause sterile pyuria, and assuming menopause is the problem without ruling other things out is problematic.  He seems to pathologize being an older woman, he's done that about other things too.  I'm not interested in that.

So I went to my old PCP.  A triage nurse called me right back; she asked really good questions (yes, I do have kidney pain, thanks) and I got in for an exam the next day.  They didn't throw me straight up in the stirrups, we talked through different possibilities.  I've got an ultrasound (the fibroids could be back?), a urology consult, and did a self-swab to rule out BV which I've had before and it's not fun for me.  Both the PA and her assistant heard my concerns and wished me well.  

Look, maybe I do need hormonal replacement.  I doubt it, because menopause hasn't been problematic really.  But maybe.  If that's what I need then I need it.  But feeling constant pressure on my bladder, that doesn't seem the first step.  I hadn't even thought of consulting with a urologist - of course that's a good idea.  

Anyway, my attitude is shifting back to preferring my old PCP.  It's way more convenient for sure - I biked right over and their lab is on site and I've always been able to get in next day for urgent issues.  I'm still annoyed that I only have a primary provider as a nurse straight from school and not a doctor with experience, but the PA today had some good thoughts.  I think I'm back.

And yes, I'm annoyed about the $2100 I paid for this "concierge" doctor who apparently doesn't even do exams.  But i had to try it and see for sure that he couldn't be helpful with identifying my health issues.  He's not.  Moving back to free to me because I do have good insurance.

My other attitude shift is towards my co-workers.  One in particular just ignored me for the first like eight months I worked there.  I gave her the benefit of the doubt - she was pregnant, she hadn't been there long, she's kind of shy, etc.  And I thought we were doing ok, but the other day I saw something and told her I have the answer if she can just email to remind me to send it to her.  Instead of that, she went to her friend who is a manager above us, and asked her; and she'd been weird to me when I'd flagged the issue.  The manager said I'm the only one who knows and she cc'd me on the request.  And I sent the information.  And she didn't thank me.  So that's rude at like three different points, so I'm done giving her the benefit of the doubt.  If she had just said thank you, I would have let the other rude dismissiveness go, but no.  She has led the mean girls club that has made my job really unpleasant (in part- there are other things as well) and I'm just done continuing to be the nice one.  

And also - fuck them for excluding me and making things so much harder for me the whole time I've been here, but now I don't really actually need them.  So I'm not offering any more help.  

But also - they don't own this job.  Am I quitting the job because they make it so stressful?  That's only a small part, honestly.  But I'm not going ot allow that into the equation at all anymore.  Their pettiness doesn't get to negatively impact my finances.  Fuck that.  

though, one common cause of my symptoms in interstitial cystitis, which is worsened by stress through inflammation.  and that's a huge problem for me.  so I have to learn to let alllll the stress go.  From the mean girls in my office to the nature of my job.  I need to do what's best for me.  

my boss asked several of us to cover a project and I am not volunteering.  We got only like four business days notice, and it's on a day where I have a lot of stressful things going on.  It will fuck me up to have more stress.  I'm pushing back.  I don't care that it's because of other people's problems - I'm not the cause of the problems if I refuse to get stressed out because of other people not doing their work.  If they had given me enough notice, it would probably have been ok, but not like this.  No. 

I get to be selfish.  And I'm going to be.  I mean, I'm a pretty selfish person - it's why I like to be alone, so I don't have to put other people's wants first or have to compromise.  But I'm next leveling my selfishness.  

making groceries

 It's Friday and work is over and I did some grocery shopping so I''m quite proud of myself.  Milk for yogurt, ground beef for sukuma wiki (that perennial kale in my garden is looking so good and tastes sweet), and some chips because I just love chips and I think I'll make nachos to use up some beans.  I've got plenty of pepper jack cheese, black beans, salsa, pickled peppers.  Sounds like some good meals to me.  Other things I'll cook: green beans sauteed with ground turkey, and cauliflower.  I might roast it to eat as a side to the green beans, but I also might make curry with pressed tofu.  Can't decide.  Breakfast today was lentils (the best that's turned out), lunch was zucchini pancakes and tomato-cucumber bulgur.  All this produce from my garden, it's amazing.  

My neighbor frantically called this morning to say that a water main had broken in front of my house.  Well, as frantic as I've ever seen him.  He looks like such a stoner/bureaucrat.  I rushed home and quickly identified the leak as coming from his property, not mine.  Not sure how he missed it but it worked out ok.  The water company came and fixed it pretty quickly, relatively speaking.  Regularly grateful for functioning public services like this, even if the guys were dicks when I tried to ask questions.  They did sweep up after the sidewalk flooding which was nice.  And because of this flooding, I saw that my dog has been trying to tunnel under my fence.  I've filled the space up a couple of times and thought she was giving up, but just the opposite.  It's behind a dogwood in my backyard so I can't see her back there digging.  She's not actually trying to get out or she would have long ago - I think she's just shoving her face under there to freak people and dogs out.  She's such a ridiculous asshat.  But now I have it firmly blocked off with logs and wire fence.  

Still thinking about going back to school.  Not sure how I can swing it financially, but I just don't know how I can keep up with this job.  Though, end of day was nice - I had a big block of time to process a big project, and then I had a successful email exchange with someone who has been problematic, and a call from someone who said "We think this, but our high-up manager said to ask you what you think."  And I think it's funny that the high-up manager does this, because I do it to her.  I greatly respect her, have never disagreed with her since the very beginning (when she was late to a meeting and upset that I wasn't discussing things we'd already discussed and thought I was interrupting her).  Some of her staff does not like me, but she keeps them in line.  And so I told this person three down the line from her, that I agree with whatever she says.  "Go ask your mother," essentially. 

Going back to school would mean leaving my house more days (though for shorter time), a lot more biking and walking.  I'm honestly kind of afraid of being able to do it, but I think I can and it would do me a lot of good.  and I'm under no illusion that academia is any kind of solid plan anymore - this is just to transition with the dog.  No, in fact, I bicycle regularly past my old professor's house that I saw listed for sale; I was obsessed with her.  Can't believe we got back in touch, see her on Facebook, she posted photos of us many years ago.  Her life has been a struggle in many ways.  No ivory tower for her. 

LOL, she used to see me biking past her place and thought, "Oh, she must live near her."  I was stalking her.  And she's so clueless she didn't think about how I kept biking past her place when she moved across town.  

**

Yay for Saturday mornings, I'm feeling inspired.  Have the frozen pears simmering to make and can sauce.  I really need to work through my freezer and not keep things in there too long as the freezer burn is real.   I'll turn that off and go haul a big pile of woodchips.  It would be amazing to finish that today but don't want to overdo it.  Mostly I need to get them off the street and into my yard, but I also need to do some distribution.  I need to pick tomatoes, something I hate doing because of my allergy.  And if the woodchips don't kill me, I'll turn to a bed to empty it - I need to harvest the turnips and carrots, then haul the soil to a new bed (with better sunlight) to plant garlic.  That will probably not be done today but it's on the list.  I need to hang laundry out to dry, clean the house, harvest dry beans.  All the things.  This is why I don't make time for things like hiking - I get tired out with all the things I do.  

Also want to take time to seriously look at applying for school as that application is due in a few months and there are steps to take.  Including a personal essay of interest.  I'm sort of all over the place so need to start refining my thoughts.  I can't imagine they won't accept me but it could happen.   

It's only a year away but it's still really speculative, and I need to run scenarios about how I can make it work financially.  The house is really the big issue.  And tied to that, the dog's mortality since I promised her she wouldn't have to move again.  She's been such a good sport with all our huge moves thousands of miles but we're both tired.  She's also annoyed with me for sitting here drinking coffee instead of starting the day, so she wins, off I go. 

*

Oof, I did not finish the street mulch, though not much is left.  I'm just worn out after hauling 15 large wheelbarrow loads.  I wanted to push through, but no.  But it's still a bit overcast and not too hot so once I rest and maybe lunch I should be able to do some harvesting to get that garden bed ready to be moved.  The air is so still that it always feels weird to me, and it feels warmer than it is because of zero breeze.  

Peeling all those little tomatoes was a ton of work, but that salsa is very tasty and I don't regret it.  and so I'll probably do it again next year, though I keep trying to convince myself to stop planting tomatoes.  

Feeling a bit sluggish today but got off the couch to process all the hot peppers, so glad I did.  My jalapenos are tiny which is super annoying - must be the type of start I got.  This is my best pepper year here.  The poblanos still await roasting before skinning and canning.  We'll see how that goes and how tasty they are.  I think I'll do them in half pints.   

**

Scale says up again, 0.4 pounds.  I did eat a medium size bag of chips over two or three days so I guess that's not too surprising.  I guess.   

It's past time to head out to walk the dog, was just waiting for a bit more clearance (don't like driving in fog), and did a few tasks.  Sorted through all the containers Dear Friend brought, connected with lids so they're easy to fill with food to share.  Juice all the pieces of limes she left behind - she just kept putting a half or less in plastic sandwich bags rather than using the ones in the holder as I guess she didn't see it.  The fridge was pretty stuffed full.  It's emptying now.  Still need to deal with that cauliflower she got and intended to roast - not sure if I want to curry it with tofu and garbanzos as a meal instead of just roasted as a side.  Probably a good idea to make it a meal.  It's probably not something I'll want to eat more than twice, and I can share the rest thanks to all the takeaway containers I've got restocked.  I do get really frustrated at the littering that people do on my property often with food from the community refrigerator, and every time I get annoyed I'm less likely to share.  I've never seen the food that I've shared be wasted, but plenty of other tasted and tossed (or dropped, or who knows what).  Also assholes like leaving empty milk containers and orange peels scattered over my property for me to have to pick up.  Not ok.  PUT. IT. IN. THE. TRASH. CAN. BESIDE. THE. FRIDGE.  We do have neighborhood heroes who do regular pickups of litter, but they are usually on the other side of the street, so it is mostly left to me.  Which super annoys me, especially since it's on the side so I don't go there unless there's a reason.  I dont' want the reason to be to pick up people's trash after I've helped feed them.  

ANYWAY.

The dog is wired to roll on her walk and she's not wrong, so off we go.   

**

Was digging around more to prepare a grad school application and saw that a professor with similar research interests has spots for grad students in her lab.  Great, I thought.  While I can teach well, I"m not really vibing with that, so I'm thinking more of a research grad employment option.  

But then I thought, wait, that would be mean being in the lab like 19 hours per week working.  That's 2.5 days.  Plus at least two full days in classes.  That's ... that's kind of a lot.  Part of quitting and going back to school is taking time to rest and recover.  On the other hand, that's just during the school terms - there are lots of vacation breaks throughout and between the terms, so really, that's what I'm missing, the opportunity to recover.  I was long a teacher and had summer breaks to recover, plus some other breaks.  That's a more reasonable schedule for me than this relentless job now.  Even if I take time off, it means I come back to working 10+ hour days just to catch up - that's just with only taking four days off!  It's insane.  So ... it does still seem like school would be more reasonable.  I think.  Obviously still thinking.  Plus it's not the 8-5 that kills me, it's that it's so grueling and not limited to just those hours.  I've never had a hard time working before, i like work.  It's just this work that's so awful.

OK, have the peppers roasted and canning.  Not sure if I'll do that again - it seems a lot of work for not much product and I'm afraid they'll just be mush because it's pressure canning after roasting.  Getting the peels off my poblanos was tough, much easier off the anaheim I bought.  Perhaps my poblanos don't really need it.  I will keep on freezing the rest and see.  

It does seem like there's freezer burn on food and some off taste so I'm going to get more diligent about packaging.  

Oof, I'm getting way too fancy prepping for tomorrow's dinner.  Tonight's turned out great so I'm doing prep.  Clean, break up the cauliflower, dry, put it in a bowl.  Now I'm baking the tofu after pressing and seasoning it, and making crunchy garbanzos.  Tomorrow I'll cook the purple barley and make the curry with coconut milk, cauliflower, seasonings, and zucchini if I've got some (gave it all away today when a friend stopped by), and I'll add in the baked tofu.  I'll cook the vegetables lightly because I do not like them mushy, and add hopefully crunchy garbanzos on top or at least they won't be mushy.  

I just don't like mushy food.  Want a bit of texture.  Anyway, I probably won't like all this too much and will end up giving it away, but that's ok.  I'm using up what I already have, which is a goal now.  Don't know if this is realistic but I'd like to go through everything in my cupboards and fridge and freezer that is due to expire by the end of this year or which I put up over a year ago.   I will likely make some odd things.  I did organize my freezer today and found some peas I'd tried to save but I know a lot of them are starchy so the lot went into the compost bin.  

Everything in my freezer is something I made except for butter and pitas (which I'll have to stop buying since they started adding sugar).  I have zero pre-packaged food, just a lot of things like frozen berries and vegetables.  I work so hard to eat well and it does definitely help with pain and brain fog, but it's still discouraging to be gaining weight when my focus is always on vegetables.  I've greatly reduced my use of oil, cut back on grains.  But still.   Every splurge leads to an increase.  It's not sustainable for me to always stay so strict, it sucks.  

Got focused on food rotation and ... yeah.  Quite a few things to share - they're not bad but I'm clearly not using them quickly (sugar free ketchup, mustard, sambal oelek, lime juice, etc. etc. etc.).   And things moved to the bottom shelf to use up soon, like artichoke hearts.  And the cupboard is abundant - I finally used up all the hemp hearts that I had in my sourdough and was kind of bummed that I don't have more, but I could use chia seeds instead and I have a ton of them to use up.  The chia seed "pudding" that I make messes with my gut but I'll bet some seeds in the bread will be a good thing.  

**

I know that I am cushioned from reality because I earn a high salary (relatively speaking), and because of how I build a life (bike to work instead of drive so fill the gas tank less than once a month; cook all from scratch, etc.), but the soaring prices on essentials is overwhelming many.  And I cannot help but think back to a photo I saw in an 8th grade history textbook, of a woman taking a wheelbarrow of currency just to buy a loaf of bread in Germany after the first world war.  (It just struck me how ethnocentric "world war" is.)  I fear we're reaching the tipping point for many and i am not convinced that things will get better before they get much worse.  

This situation is dire, frankly.   

 

work didn't kill me ... today

 But when I finish a day's work, even when I log out at 5 pm, I feel ... so drained.  Yes, some days I have the energy to do other things but not the bandwidth.  I don't want to move or do anything.  And that's not healthy.  

I finished HOw to Be a Rich Lady and while I found the author stayed annoying the whole book, I firmly agree with her politics.  More community, less exploitation.  I didn't learn much, which is a good sign that I'm on the right track.  Hopefully.

Lots of messages coming at me recently that make it seem like I shouldn't quit.  I could be more generous, help more people and causes financially.   

I don't know what I'm going to do about my job and quitting.  I hate it so much//it pays the bills well. 

PIcked up another book, The Hill by Harriet Clark.  That is what I intend to read in bed before sleep tonight.   Hope it's good.  At least it's short.  I have three more books waiting to be read and I'm on the constantly moving hold list for about 24 more books.  Oh, only 12 more.  OK, I'm moving down the list.  I started a new hobby last year at the end/beginning of the year, to go through all the "best of" lists and pick out all the ones that sound good to me.  And add others throughout the year.  It helps me to be messaged to go to the library, else I get a little overwhelmed.  Which is strange - as a child I had the library shelves memorized, knew all the things I would read.  And this library is not massive - I could know more things.  But it's overwhelming, with little details like that my parking is only free for 10 minutes.  I cannot wander stacks with only 10 minutes.  I hate that the parking is a charge for a public good.  

 **

Was awake at 5 this morning which was too early, but got up.  I'm making lentil loaf and canning beans.  I won't bake the lentil loaf until tomorrow morning (if I get up early enough) but it will be nice to have it all ready to pop in the oven. And I don't like to can in the evening because I want to see that things are sealed before they sit out all night.  I did contemplate making pear sauce with the bag of frozen pears in my freezer but that'll be a bigger project.  And now I think I'll turn to work.  Not crazy about starting my workday at 6:30 am, but there's enough to do for sure, and I'm hoping to take Friday afternoon easy and maybe start my weekend a bit early.  

**

I keep talking myself out of quitting, but I think I just really have to.   I'm watching someone who does my work waste away from the stress of this job.  It's literally killing her.  I don't think other people can see that with me in the same way but I feel it.  

Last night there was an info session from an organization that purchased property in our neighborhood without any communication and is setting up a group home, and through work I am affected by the organization.  We have many concerns - both with my job and also now through this home.  They've got millions of dollars thrown at them and they don't seem to know what they're doing.  It's really concerning.  But what was fun is that my elderly neighbor keeps me in the loop, and I went and sat with her, and without me even saying to her that I want to stay under the radar she just knew.  "Any other questions you want me to ask?" and she did.  I could identify some of the bullshit but mostly it was a shoddy horse and pony show with a defensive person who just wanted to tell stories from her personal life.  Bless my neighbors, they are mostly so welcoming and want to be helpful.  That was sweet.  But I walked my elderly neighbor home (she uses walking sticks for balance and always has someone with her) and we analyzed the situation, she said I was like a spy, and talked about other things.  That was the only fun part.  I hate bullshit, I'm so over it.  I hear it all day, every day.  And the elderly neighbor reminded me it's not just my job, it's being part of the US right now, it's all so hard.  

The organization said it will probably take two years for them to be up and running and elderly neighbor said to me, well, probably not my problem, I may be dead by then.  Her husband died last year and she's in her 80s.  She seems healthy and very alive to me but what do I know, and yes, we die.  She was pointing out the three MAGA homes in our neighborhood, including the house between us (the guy who burned my plants but the wife recently asked about where I buy native plants).  She and I seem to really have similar political bent, though she struggles with things like they/them.  "You were an English teacher, how can you not be bothered?  The singular and plural combined like that?  I'm always now so afraid I"ll mess up and people will get mad at me."  "Because I care more about respecting people's self-identity than I do about grammatical rules.  It can be hard.  I stumble sometimes with conjugating or remembering.  But I try and I've never had somebody get mad at me for my mistakes when I'm trying."  She seemed to take that in stride.    

It was interesting to hear how long people have lived in the neighborhood - one back to the 70s as an adult, numerous who'd grown up here and came back.  This is definitely an aging neighborhood, many older people.  

Anyway, I need to quit my job.  I'm just afraid of what will come next, because it is nice to make good money, and I never will again.   

light

 Enjoying slowly moving through things.  Friend came over to help load a couch and a table into my truck to take to donate.  "Good thing is you won't have to unload it on the other end, " she said.  She cursed it, I had to.  Didn't want to, but nobody to help.  Oh well.  It didn't kill me.  And then I finally checked my turn signal which had been funky - did you know that the signal going unusually fast is a sign that the light is out?  I didn't, but that's handy.  So I went back out to get the light for it, and then when I opened the assembly I heard something - it was the lightbulb.  It had just fallen out.  Put it back in, and it works fine.  Weird.  Also got a car wash while I was out, trying to get all the insects off my car from the roadtrip.  Used a coupon of course.  $5 is a great deal and it was on the way.  I do like how most things are so near me - all those errands were only like a mile away.  

Laundry finally running, more chores to do today but I'm feeling good with what I accomplished.  It included building a garden bed, half-filling it with mostly decomposed compost (I'll top it off with garden soil), flipping the raw compost bin, filling a large pallet bin with woodchip mulch (to put it someplace, and it's still breaking down).  And other things I'm sure.  Tomorrow I hope to move all the woodchips off the street into my yard - I did free up another pallet bin if I want to use that.  

As I was fixing my truck light, I was called by name, and my neighbor (the Republicans, not the anarchists) asked where I get my native plants.  I told her, and then sort of marveled at the interaction because they have the most pristine yard - watered lawn, manicured roses, all that kind of thing.  I've told them before about my interest in native plants when they've asked what the hell I'm doing, but I never tried to proselytize.  Is she now thinking that it's the way to go?  I saw her putting in a lot of work today with weeding, so maybe she's rethinking her life choices and admiring how little work I put in.  (All my work is in the backyard; the front is just plant it and forget it, pretty much.)    

**

Oof, mornings are rough.  I'm so stiff and sore lately.  I hope my bed's not the problem, wouldn't want to have to replace it.  I think I'm just getting old and the physical activity needs recovery.  I've also had a productive cough for awhile which I'm going to assume is from dust from going to the desert, or maybe from moving mulch (I try to mask up but it's not perfect).  

Woke up at 3:30 and couldn't get back to sleep for a long time.  This time I can't blame on the dog.  But I'm moving slow.  Nursing coffee now, did get dishes and camp gear put away, bread shaped.  This flour (Amarillo is the type) is fun - the bread is so floofy.  Really fun to work with, soft and springy.  It's a hard white winter wheat, the type I always use, but it's fun that I have access to different types of flour from nearby growers.  I'm toying again with getting a grain mill, but it would only be for freshness (the rye flour I bought was milled in July), so it seems unnecessary.  It doesn't seem that it's cheaper to buy the grain than the flour, and it would be one more appliance to store and I have no more room.  

I've been looking more into the intentional community where the person I know lives, and it seems a possibility.  I'll need to go check it out.  It would definitely push my comfort level to live in close community but I do think it's healthy and necessary.  Logistically it sounds like I could install a tiny home, and I went down the rabbit hole with that and there are numerous economic options for buying one, and they're common enough in this area that finding transport wouldn't be tough.  The community doesn't require a big commitment off the bat, instead taking years to determine if a person is a good enough fit to buy in to the community.  If I can learn to live well with others in community and our values align, it also seems like I could do the travel that interests me while having a meaningful home.  It's the opposite of bougie - the person I know is very forthcoming about challenges with physical infrastructure; for instance, I know of serious mouse problems and that's why I was storing some group things at my house, and that's how I got to know her.  And I'm a little bougie now, so being able to bring my own tiny home appeals to me - plus, having my own retreat space.  But there's so much outdoor work and things to do, and some shared meals, and other community activities.  There are goats and sheep and chickens and ducks, for ethical eggs and milk and meat, and so much food production including vegetables and fruit.  She's a permaculture expert and I always learn a ton from her.  

Anyway, logistically it seems like a possibility.  Timing, I would quit my job in a year, start school, start spending some time out there on workdays and such; once the dog dies, consider moving there and asking the permission required.  Adjust my gestalt to community, putting myself in recovery from rugged individualism and misanthropy.  

I had been flying the idea of putting in a tiny home in Friend's backyard, and she seems open to it, but logistically I think it's a challenge.  It couldn't be one on wheels due to zoning, so I wouldn't be able to remove it when the time comes to sell the house or another occasion.  And Friend is in her mid-60s, so tbh, I need to think of her mortality and how it impacts me.  She's always been a home base, but it's likely that she will die before me, and then I'll be older and more vulnerable, so I should probably be looking into other home base options.  

Oof, I just updated my spending and I've already spent $268 on food for the month. It's to be expected, as Dear Friend spends a lot and I try to keep up with her.  I finally shut down trying to keep up with her though, saying I need to eat at home as I'm already over budget for the month (after I dropped $40 on fancy cheeses and crackers and such for her).  It shifted the balance a bit to her paying more if she wants something, and I loaded her up to take with "free" food (only my labor) such as dried fruit, canned goods, and bread.  I also started making sure we ate before shopping, and made shopping lists aloud to slow her rampant (to me) spending.  She finds joy in spending money on food; I find joy in cutting costs.  It's always been a bit of tension for us that we work around.  

And now I will try to eat from home for the rest of the month, with very little further purchases.  

Bread is in the oven, and this flour is a joy to work with - not sticky.  Usually it's hard to clean up because there's such sticky dough, but today was a dream.  

Because I'm running late it's likely that the trailhead parking lot nearest me will be full, so I'm finding a Plan B.  I feel like crap but want to start a new habit so even if I don't go far it will be worth it.  

OK, lids off bread and it's got less ovenspring than I'm used to.  Interesting. 

When i went out camping, I got really good gas mileage in my car - twice what I usually get.  Interesting.  It's up and down mountains to drive there but still better than in town.

**

OK, the hike didn't happen.  Stomach problems emerged making me unwilling to be far away from a bathroom.  and I had to prioritize, and having a clean house prevailed.  Almost done with all the chores, letting floor dry.  

Plan now is to get up early tomorrow and take dog for longer walk than we usually do.  

It's raining hard now, or it did for a brief moment.  Such a lovely sound.  

**

OK, I didn't get up early this Sunday but hopefully it's still not tooooo busy out where I walk the dog and we can go a bit further.  Got the coffee grinder cleaned first thing so the pieces can all dry out all day before reassembling.  Also pulled out some food that I already have on hand that I can use up - quinoa, bulgur, and the like.  To remind me to think about it and try to not shop unless necessary (I seem to have lost a quart of oats somewhere, which is so weird, but those I'll replace).  

Food today/this week - blitva (garlicky chard & potatoes), cucumber salad with peanuts (use up the last of the green onions), zucchini fritters (got a nice big zucchini to use for this), tuna (have a jar which may have false sealed so need to use it it up), lentil loaf (a common breakfast), roasted cauliflower, green beans (I need to go pick them today) with probably tofu (though I'm also thinking - maybe minestrone), quinoa cucumber salad.  And I need to finish eating the beans that I cooked yesterday.  I think going forward I'll be eating beans on rice more than in tortillas - looks like my local producer of whole wheat tortillas has started adding more ingredients (preservatives and such).  I'm so disappointed with this on top of the whole wheat pitas having added sugar.  I can't trust any bread product not made in my kitchen, I guess.  I know that I can make whole wheat pitas but it's just another thing to do.  I don't want more things to do, sometimes I want convenience.  

And I'll go through my freezer to see what else needs to be used up.  I think it's time to turn to berries, yay.  Will get more milk to make yogurt to enjoy with those.  I have plenty of onions and they need to get used up and/or frozen.  Need to go through the fridge to ensure there's nothing I've forgotten about - I know there are some peppers that we got for salsa, not sure what else.  I may do pickled peppers with those.   

OK, and now I've cleaned the dishwasher filter and have started a cleaning cycle with cleaning tab.  And that concludes my usual cleaning lists.  I did not get into the deep cleaning this week as I'd hoped to, the cleaning of rugs level of cleaning.  (Last time I cleaned the rugs, the solution smelled so bad for over a week, so I am reluctant.  I think I need to rinse it all out with water but even then ... it reeks.  And it's a bigger job than I feel like doing casually.  Need to be able to open the house up with warm breezes.) 

I'm struggling emotionally about having to go back to work tomorrow - a lot of anxiety and despair.  So I need to stay focused on the tasks at hand - food preparation, garden tasks, laundry, etc.  But first, dog walk.  I'm also feeling under the weather but I'm not sure how much of that is physical and how much psychological.  

Oof, the dog is very ready to go out.  It's hilarious how she can tell days like this.  

Looks like I haven't weighed myself in three weeks, and I'm up 0.6 pounds.  Where I've been hovering a few months.  I'd like to move off this plateau.  

**

Walk was a bit longer than normal but not much.  Saw another dog where I'd wanted to walk the long route so turned another way, and then ran into a sporting match.  But still pretty good, and the weather was great - 55 degrees and overcast.  Now I need to get out and pick green beans before it starts raining again - the pods are getting too big.  Too late for some, probably.  I also need to harvest root vegetables (carrots, turnips, potatoes), but that's for another day.  

Oo wee - that's a lot more green beans than i expected.  And I have an awful headache.  

**

Powered through cleaning all the green beans.  I think I'll put some in minestrone today, save some to cook later this week (sheet pan with tofu? Maybe, though I'm a little tired of that as I've been doing it a lot), and freeze the rest.  

also got 15 cloves of garlic sliced and chard chopped and potatoes parboiled to make lunch.  Taking time on a Sunday to cook means having time to peel and process tiny cloves - normally I'm watching the clock with time consuming tasks like that.  I have the momentum to handle sweet potatoes that were tucked away, though looks like I need to blanch them before freezing, so that adds another layer.  It's ok, I have time.  

**

So, the blitva didnt' turn out right - I overcooked the parboiled potatoes perhaps, and they just mashed with the garlic and chard.  It's fine.  Still tasty.  

Now I've got minestrone simmering and I think I'll mostly give it away because it's a rainy dreary day and I'll make more another time.   

**

It's 8 pm and I'm feeling frantic about all I didn't do on my time off.  I miss being a teacher with summers off, though I rarely actually took a summer off - between teaching summer school, getting a masters degree, I stayed a busy person. 

I'll be ok.

Finished another book, Yellow Pine.  I wish I'd enjoyed it.  

I need to lean into recognizing how this is the good stuff.  Petting my dog, cooking healthy foods from my garden, message from a beloved friend, having all I need.  I do very much enjoy these moments and want more of them.