slow down

 I'm not just tired, I'm sick.

And the herbs and vitamins aren't tackling it.  

Fuuuuuuck.  

Hopefully it's just an accumulation of stress working its way out of my body.  Maybe if I take it easy today I'll feel better tomorrow.  

Fingers crossed.

Tuesday

My body is ready to start this move, and each morning I wake up earlier despite going to bed quite late. This morning I was fully awake at 4:30 am which is less than five hours sleep.  The good news is that I can nap, at least in theory.  

I'm so glad I quit my job and am not trying to do move while working that obnoxious job. 

But it's still just too damn early.  I can't make phone calls for hours, and I won't text or email now that I understand that people keep phones near their beds and alerts wake them.  (I do not do that; my phone is nearly always silenced and never bedside.)  It's still dark for hours.  So when it is time to roll with the day, I'll be tired already.  The poor dog is side-eyeing me right now for being up too early.  She'll survive.  We both will.  And now she's snoring again.  She's actually not stressed out yet, which is a good thing. 

I"m moving into the chaotic stage of moving, the dragging everything out to pack and move.  Boxes and items strewn about.  It's unpleasant but I'm orienting for it.  Once I get rid of the bedroom furniture, I'll use the bedroom to the backyard as my staging area.  Keep the mess mostly contained.  At least in theory.  

All right, it's 6 am now, a much more reasonable time to start the day.  I have old man lung and feel like I'm fighting a virus but hopefully I'm just tired.

Ok.  I'm starting this day.  Siiiigh

quite a day

 I woke up early, too little sleep.  There was a real estate document waiting for me, sent about midnight.  It was convoluted and I didn't want to read a lot, so I asked the realtor "Can we just reduce the purchase price by 2%?"  She thought that was too generous but I do not want to deal with plumbers and electricians and reinspections when I'm trying to pack to leave.  

And now I do not have to deal with anything.  They also thought that a generous offer and now we have a closing scheduled for next week. 

BOOM.

So then I quit.  I had gotten to work early and powered through things, and then once the real estate deal looked solid, I marched in and said I quit and today is my last day.  I ended my day with HR and an exit interview, and she asked why I was quitting and then said, "Wait, before you start, I just have to say that I know your supervisor and have worked with her and I know that she gets moved around because she is disliked."  "Well, add me to that number.  Her philosophy is backwards and she's insecure and micromanages and I politely decline to engage further with this."  It was actually a good conversation and then I had another very good conversation with the receptionist - we had liked each other since we first met - and then I walked out with a baller strut.  This was all on my own terms.  I tried, I leapt, and now I move on.  

Then I went to a place for king cake and nothing appealed to me.  Losing my appetite for king cake is a sure sign it's time to go.  Then I did some very stressful errands and made another transaction of personal goods.

And now I'm home, utterly exhausted.  I hope to sleep well and hit tomorrow running.  I will take my truck in on Wednesday and he said honestly he may need two days to do the full check over for the road trip.  I'll tell him about the sense I have that something is off, a boot or something.  Our roads are so bad here I first met these guys when I broke my suspension on a pothole years ago.  

So tomorrow will be a lot of running around, and then Wednesday I can be home to focus on working here.  I have some unpleasant tasks to do, like sorting more files and trying on work clothes to purge a lot of what doesn't fit and what I just won't wear.  For somebody who only wears the same five shirts and pants every week, I have too much crap.  

Honestly, I think I'm going to try to leave next week.  I feel like it might be possible especially if I don't let people pull me into things.  Like, y'all, you've had two years with me (ok, maybe less), and if we weren't the kind of friends who've been hanging out then why now?  Yesterday I had friends over, friends I've been seeing.  It ended with a really successful visit, when my friend who's always been terrified of dogs actually interacted well with Ziggy.  I still tell her to keep a wide berth and not to pet her, and it would be better if she didn't try to boss the dog around, but they were doing treats very well.  PROGRESS.  There was a cute moment when friend and I were looking at a door and Ziggy came in to stand between us, just one of the girls. 

The only person I really want to spend more time with is a sullen teenager.  We've been trying and it hasn't worked out, but hopefully we'll get some time.  Just texted her mom.  We just spoke.  We're working on it.  

 So, now it begins.  I think once the big things are gone and done, I'll kick into gear.  I know what I'm doing.  Moving is definitely something I know to do.  

patroness

I appear to be sliding into a new role, that of benefactor of sorts.  Low-key, small-scale.  But a friend just came and filled her car with canning goods and mulch and garden supplies, and she'll get another haul before I leave.  She is one of the most generous people I know, leveraging her knowledge and contacts to help many others.  So when I give her my slow cooker, I know she will feel many people with it.  That's the best $20 I could not spend.  I'll give her hundreds of dollars worth of stuff like this that she will amplify. She will use the garden soil and pots to pass along starts; she will use the canner and jars to teach otehr people how to preserve food.  And so on. 

I often do not have the energy or stamina to help people directly, as many of my friends do.  But I show up for them how I can.  And with my higher expected salary, the first budget item to change was increase charitable giving.

And in this way, we all play our part.  My linkage is to mutual aid, the scrappy people showing up in the trenches. 

only human

 I think I need to take some time off.  

If I quit next week, it's not like I'm unsure of my future - I have a good job lined up that is just waiting on me.  I would like to take some time off first, not rush as I usually do.  I can live on my savings and take my time moving and settling in.  I had three weeks of leave time accrued with my last job and I need that time off.  I haven't even been paid out for that leave time yet; that check will more than cover my expenses for a couple of months.  

The new job will be very challenging mentally and physically, and I need to be rested up. 

It was only about five years ago that I left here last time; my last day was a Friday and I left on a Tuesday.  I handled all my packing up outside work hours, though to be fair it was a lot easier because there wasn't a house sale and a permanent move involved.  

But there is something different now, an issue with my heart when I lift heavy things.  It really sucks and I need it figured out, but that won't happen before this move.  So I'll hire people to take the last of my stuff, and my neighbor and friend will graciously help me with loading up my truck and strapping it all down.  

It's so weird to me to hire somebody to haul things away instead of handling it all myself, but I also don't have the patience to deal with flaky people.  I had a rug to give away, a woman said she wanted it, I struggled to get it out for her, and then she never showed up.  When I asked, she said she's been dealing with something for five days.  WHY THEN DID YOU ASK ME TO DO THIS FOR YOU?  I didn't ask her to do me a favor, just to do what she said she would do while I was doing her a favor.  So I had to struggle to bring it back inside and I am annoyed. 

Today I sold my grain mill, and the woman is so excited about it.  I gave her all my sourdough supplies and she is over the moon.  It was fun to see her enthusiasm and fuel that.   

So, yeah.  Quit the job on Monday regardless of the house situation.  I'm still waiting on the house but I'll need the counteroffer on Monday as the inspection period will conclude.  If we can work it out, I'll give myself two weeks in New Orleans to wrap up my life and hit the road.  If we can't and the house needs to go back on the market, I'll still quit.  I'll probably stay around awhile longer, maybe a month.  Driving cross-country in March instead of February may be easier.  Then I can see my friends who are coming to town for Mardi Gras.  I can calmly close up life.  And then I'll hit the road and leave my house in the hands of the realtor, cleaner, and yardkeeper until it sells.  

Either way, I'll quit.  This job is so stupid and it's really unfortunate.  The key problem is my direct supervisor, but TBH it's all stupid and I'm not allowed to make the changes necessary to make it less stupid.  So, goodbye.  I fall in line with the 50 people I've seen start and quit there in the past year and a half.  It was hubris to think I'd be different - well, not just hubris, it was also promises made by people who've already been removed, and a leap of faith into something unidentified.  No need to stay.  

I do have a need for some boxes for books.  I want to ship two boxes to where I'm going, as media mail is cheap and it's less to fuss with on moving day.  And I have three boxes to ship to sell, and another three to donate to my former PhD advisor's office.  OH, and another to drop off at a free little library.

It's weird to have to minimize weight of what I'm carrying and all that.  Just a different reality with a different age.

still waiting

 We endured home inspections this week, and the inspector said some shit that wasn't true so I'm riled up, but mostly he said the house is in good condition. I haven't seen the inspection report but I already forwarded evidence to the contrary of his assertions based on what my agent told me (like that the HVAC unit needs servicing when they were just here three weeks ago and I regularly have it serviced).  I'm not sure why the buyer hasn't responded yet but hopefully she'll be reasonable and we'll move on to the next stage. If she'd gotten her act together by today I would have rolled this weekend with the purging but I guess I'm holding on a minute.  This is putting me at leaving time right around Mardi Gras which is a sucky time to do anything productive.  

I've gotten into a quieter rut at work but I'm still just completely baffled at how utterly dysfunctional it all is.  Like, I ask the most reasonable question because it's not apparent to me and nobody knows how to do anything.  I mean, nobody.  So people do random things and blame each other. It's mind-boggling.  And some try to put me in the middle of things and like what the hell, no thank you.  It's also boring and tedious.  And so much meanness.  I took a box to pack my things in. I'm ready to roll.

I am getting rid of some things, like kitchen gadgets.  And I'm taking all my canning goods to a food justice comrade, which is a lot of stuff.  I have quite a lot of easy things to start purging.  Fill the garbage can and the recycling bin, dump on the free sites, list for sale.  I'm just wanting to move to the final stage and roll out, but I have plenty to keep me occupied.  And there's a lot of things to do before that.  Just a lot of them aren't much fun, so I'm dragging.

I'm also really dragging at the thought of this very long drive ahead of me.  I'm forcing myself to shorten driving days which means another night of hotel.  With the dog, that's really stressful, but the balance is if I'm trying to drive very long days and in the dark, there are safety issues.  Google used to be better about including breaks in the expected driving times but now the times given are driving at the speed limit (or above) without ever stopping.  And I don't stop a lot, but I do have to get gas and food and let the dog pee.  I look forward to Texas road stops - they're the best.  And I look forward to New Mexico Whataburger green chili burger.  I look forward to arriving.  I am nervous about driving my pickup, too - it's more than two decades old now.  Before on a long road trip I stopped with friends - he ran a transmission shop which was fortunate because about an hour away from them my truck stopped working properly.  I limped in there late at night and we popped the hood and he poked around, and I said, "Wait, isn't that hose disconnected and it should go there?"  I was right and then everything was fine.  I said what a good truck it is and he said it won't last forever. That was almost ten years ago and I said, "Well, I just want it t last me another ten years."  And we're past that now.  And it's still a really good truck, my nervousness is because of time.  Hoses deteriorating, screws coming loose because of our very bad roads here.  I'll take it in for a thorough checking out, but there's no guarantees.  I'll travel with duct tape and I'll get AAA.  The biggest stressor is the dog and how she'd handle any roadside emergency.  

But like I say, it is a very good truck and I"ll have it carefully checked for any issues, and we'll drive off into the sunset, and we'll make it work.  I plan to take a southern route to hopefully avoid winter weather, and if a storm system is coming I can delay departure.  

I really don't want to keep working at this new job.  The money is good and so I stay for that and insurance in case of emergency, but I loathe the supervisor (the person they wouldn't identify to me and who so many people say is problematic).  And mostly I really want to shift to my next ventures. Since this job is much more demanding than my last, I have much less capacity for doing other things like packing up a life.  So it's time.  Hopefully we'll be under firm contract by Monday and I can quit with some sense of security about it all.  And then I can take my truck in for the extensive pre-trip check. 

OK, time to walk the dog and then start the errands.  There's a lot.  It'll be fine.  We'll be fine. 

it's not me, it's you

 My supervisor is doing bizarre things, like telling me to do something and I do it exactly as it should be done and then scolding me for not doing THE THING I JUST DID.  (Like: "Go to this meeting that I scheduled."  I go to the meeting, and I tell her about the meeting before I even go back to my office.  I tell her the follow up and next steps. I tell her I'm planning to take the next step.  She then calls me into her office to say, "YOU MUST STOP HAVING CONVERSATIONS WITH THOSE PEOPLE WITHOUT KEEPING ME INFORMED."  Giving me tasks and refusing to give me the tools to do the tasks.  (Do these computer forms but we won't give you the computer program to make it possible to do them.)  Doing everything she can to make me fail.  I have zero doubt it's about her insecurities, but I'm not going to put up with this shit.  And philosophically I have real issues with her, including her refusal to make very necessary improvements. 

So I'm ready to quit.  I keep asking my realtor when is this house sale deal good enough to trust to quit my job and leave.  

But here's the clincher.  

I ran into somebody I know through work and he was like, "How are you really doing?"  Because he knows my supervisor and years ago he got her fired because she is evil.  So he knows exactly how she is and exactly what her plans are, and he was shocked I was working with her.  He was less shocked that I plan to quit any minute.  

I really like this guy.  We always got along really well even through tough times, and while I don't always agree with him and wouldn't always do things his way, I trust his opinion tremendously.  And if he's telling me she is horrible and going to keep getting worse, then I will quit right now.  And then I'll call him and tell him we're going out for a drink.  Today we even hugged in front of people who doing want us talking to each other BECAUSE FUCK EVERYBODY.  And tomorrow a dear former colleague that was gaslit like this is planning to come to my office with lunch so we can piss everybody off. 

Maybe I'll quit tomorrow.  Maybe Friday.  Maybe Monday.  But I'm quitting soon. And I'm driving west. 

oh, almost forgot

 Oh the meat barterers were such a delight and she was so good with the dog. (He was fine too but the dog was a jerk to him.)

This job I'm in now is absolutely insane.  They're all messaging and working all weekend.  Why is this necessary?  I turned off apps so I didn't know what's going on, and I needed the downtime.  Others do, too.  This is so unhealthy.

Oh - I HAVE A SOLID OFFER ON MY HOUSE.  They want a quick close and will let me stay for friends visiting.  Though, honestly, I would rather leave sooner and not try to scramble with people around. 

meat for furniture

 While I'm giving away a lot of things, I'm also selling things at a steep discount to get them to the right people.  Today it was an Ott Light which provides a natural light much easier for close work.  The man was delighted and said it would make his wife so happy.  AT some point this weekend, people will come to barter a piece of furniture - they will be giving me ground beef.  They are butchers and get it wholesale and grind it for local restaurants. They offered me a chuck roast and I laughed and said I only know how to cook ground beef, so that's where we settled.  I hope they don't bring me too much, I eat maybe 1/2# once or twice a month.  But that's ok if it's more as I can always pass that along to people who need it.

Do we need meat, though, really?  Oy, that's more philosophical than I want to get.  I see very compelling arguments for being vegetarian.  I was vegetarian for years, then I lived a place that is very meat-focused and did not have access to much other foods, so now I eat animal products.  The focus for me is on humaneness.  I get the milk with the highest humane score, I get eggs from people whose sassy free-range hens have clucked at me, I get meat from people who post photos of their animals' happy lives.  And I use  a little here and there; a slice of bacon for flavoring in a big broccoli salad, a bit of ground beef in greens with seasoning, a link of sausage with cabbage and potatoes, a bit of chicken in posole (though I've really started to dislike chicken so I think I'll try it with pinto beans instead).  The friend I am going to live with very much likes meat and the compromise we make is that she cooks up a bunch of chicken and adds it to whatever I've cooked.  It works.  

This weekend feels like the first in a very long time without a huge house project looming.  Yesterday I did a fair amount of food prep (kale and broccoli from my garden as the focus) after cleaning for a viewing, and today is more food prep to start the week off right, dropping off compost and donations then walking the dog, heaps of laundry, organizing files and perhaps starting to cull them, some minor yardwork, some more contemplation of what to cull and what to take.  Do I hang on to tent and sleeping bags, or pass them along?  I can't really camp with this dog, not in a tent at least - she hated it so much (though loved the camper I bought for her).  The first time we tried there was a massive electrical storm and she was so upset and then the camping mat deflated and I finally gave up and we drove home at 2 am.  I got a new camping mat, but do I keep it or pass it along?  I have to remember too that prices have significantly increased since I bought a lot of these things 10-25 years ago (I was go to order a new bathrobe as the one I have is fine but not great, but once I saw prices I'll schlepp the bulky thing with me).  And maybe it's time to also admit that I don't actually enjoy camping as much as I used to.  

I'm not quite ready to pull the trigger on things I use during a hurricane, like camp stove and flashlights and water jugs and all the things.  Until my house is under contract, I'm sort of nibbling at the purging edges, because even though I've made up my mind I well know that things can change.  Same with canning supplies.  And lots of other things.  Once that's really happened, I can blast forward.  There was an interested party for the house yesterday but I haven't heard any follow up so I don't want to expect that.  I'm trying to lean in to the wait - I have plenty to do to just pleasantly live life now and the storm of rushing to leave will come soon enough. 

more of the grind

 Another 10 hour day without a break. After so long working only 6.5 hour days at a leisurely pace, this is definitely kicking my ass.

And today, WAY too much was piled on me. Fortunately several people helped in small ways.  And I got snippy with the person who made the work pile on me - she was covering for somebody else because she wanted to and forced me to cover for her.  She got snippy with me and I just said no and handed things back to her.  Physically handed them.  And made it clear that this isn't my job, this is your job.  But that was after really stressing me out because she dropped so many balls and they bounced at me. 

At the end of the day, she was in my office and we were making nice, and she just included me in something by text.  We weren't really making nice, we were talking big picture philosophies.  I think we'll be ok, we were just both really stressed.  Having people screaming at me about things she hadn't done wasn't helping.  

It's not really the volume of the work that is the problem, it's that there's zero guidance on how to do it.  There is no training, no manuals, no information about how to do the things - how to access computer programs, all of that. I don't even have access yet for quite a bit, though I am supposed to get my work cell phone tomorrow.  So what happens is that everybody is barely keeping their heads above water and nobody can take the step to organize things.  

But I'm there to organize things.  And unfortunately I can't do that if I'm drowning like everyone else.  

Truly I do believe it's a good team.  There are weak spots, but everyone actually seems to want to do well.  And I want to help them do well.  And I really appreciate the ones who come in, pull up a chair, and dig in with me.  

I knew the hours were longer but I guess I didn't realize how much harder I would have to work.  My office is a total disaster and I just got to the point of throwing papers around on the floor.  It's that bad.

When I get that first sweet paycheck things will be better.  And then before I know it, I'll be gone.  Off to new adventures, having to start all over again.  But hopefully I'll be there for awhile.

And all this is helping me not be in poverty in retirement.  I'll not be wealthy by any measure, but I'll not be poor hopefully.  

With the increase in salary, one of the first budget adjustments I made was to increase giving.  It's nice to have a line item allowing me to just give when I see a need I want to support.  They're usually small donations relatively speaking, but it helps.  And I'm giving things away; a chair I bought for $650 years ago (why?  I don't know.  It was before I understood money I guess), the one thing I'd hold onto when I'd leave (it's stayed with several different friends when I left town).  A Facebook friend I've never met in person expressed interest so they'll come over and get it this weekend.  They're service workers and I'll think of it as a big tip.  (Plus they love dogs and it'll be a fun visit for Ziggy.)  There are a few things I'll hope to sell though usually at a low price, and the rest will all get given away.  I'm hoping that I'll have the means to buy what I need when I need it in the future, and I've already joined a Buy Nothing group where I'm going.  Part of me is kind of gutted to just give away things that cost so much money, but I'm taking time to match them up to people who will appreciate them so it will be fine.  I just don't like when quality things I spent good money on become trash.  Oh, that reminds me to take a

I don't know how long I'll live with my friend.  While I lived there for years long ago (when I was in college), we're both older and more used to living alone.  Her house is quite small, so I'm trying to not take much stuff with me.  It's such a great opportunity for me - to save money, but mostly for Ziggy to have another person to love on a different work schedule.  And also for us - as she ages I do worry about her mental state, and she is kind of isolated as a lot of family and friends have moved away recently.  Isolation can trigger dementia and in general is unhealthy, so having us around will be good.  She's looking to retire soon and I'd like to be there to help her transition, to ensure she's set up with good activities and not plunging into deep isolation without her socializing at work.

Speaking of work socializing, it's interesting how different the new workplace is with that.  I got a text last night asking what treat I want from a coffee shop as a coworker is picking that up on the way to work, and I'll pick up king cakes.  To be almost freed of the toxicity of my last workplace is wonderful.  I still am astounded at how awful they are.  

***

Not that my new workplace is toxicity-free.  My direct supervisor is quite opposed to me succeeding because in this organization that would mean I'd get her job.  It's a really bizarre mentality to me, but she's definitely of the conflict mindset - she spent yesterday setting everyone up to get along with each other while vilifying everyone else.  (She is also super suspicious of my good relationships with outsiders.)  It's mindboggling to me, especially as she also undermines everyone getting along through her snide comments to everyone.  I'm pretty certain that she acts this way out of insecurity and imposter syndrome, but she's causing me to lose patience with her s well.  She also is so reductionist of gender - making snide comments about estrogen overload and cattiness being the norm between women.  She really cannot see how to improve systems or to acknowledge the actual issues.  It's too bad that she's the supervisor instead of me - she's a hard worker when put to a task, but has zero vision.  Which is what I was hired to implement but she sabotages.

Honestly, at this point I'm just here for the money.  It's really good money and so walking away because it's impossible would be kind of ridiculous.  Plus I was able to shortcut the long wait for health insurance because I was chatty with the HR person.  Working just another few weeks would give me all the cash to sock into savings to set up a household on the west coast whenever I get to that stage, and I can avoid schlepping things like silverware and power tools.  So I can rehome things of significant value to people who will appreciate and use them, and I can purchase new things down the line because I'll have the money saved from this weird place.  A friend asked why I'm working when I know I'm leaving - I could take off this time until i start the next job and enjoy myself.  Money.  That's why I'm working.  When I was hired it was to improve systems; now that I know that a very insecure supervisor will block those efforts because of her own agenda which is NOT to improve anything, I'm just there for the moolah.  (I was told that nobody was enthusiastic about this person who is my direct supervisor and she was passed over repeatedly.  She just waited her time and paid her dues to get this position.  There is still nobody enthusiastic about her, and so people keep coming to me instead of her, which only makes her more insecure.)

And I don't want to be wasteful - I don't want to throw things into a landfill.  I will spend the effort to match recipients who will continue to utilize the things.  But the less I have to load up into my truck for the drive and then try to store, the better.  Also, my life changes, and things I use now I may not use in the future. Different hobbies and needs develop.  I love having my very well-stocked garage now, with what I need for almost everything, but maybe I won't be living in a place where I need all that in the future.  And if I do, I'll buy it because I'll have the means.  When I came back to town two years ago, I knew that I would be unemployed for some time so that I could do renovations.  I brought almost all my worldly possessions back with me to avoid having to spend money.  But I'm in a different situation this time and it will be nice to travel so much lighter.  And sticking with this current job with the high pay is part of that.  Not forever, of course.  I'll be heading west no later than April.  But I have several things I have to wait for before I can do that.  Like hopefully sell my house.  A potential buyer is coming today; my realtor is "unavailable" but her colleague will bring buyer by.  That may be a good thing because even though she also is not crazy about my house, hopefully she has the restraint to not go into all the remodeling the buyer can do.  Stop telling people that they need to tear down walls to make this house habitable.  It is completely habitable exactly as it is.  Want more closet?  Get an armoire.  Seriously, come on.  It seems that my realtor is so focused on looking like a smart renovator that she forgets what her job is.  I know she's bored with the job now, but I'm aggravated when that screws me over.  

So, time to clean the house and yard and move on with my day.  It's a Saturday and I held firm on not getting roped into a special work project that would have taken today. 

exhausted

 This new job is exhausting.  I'm really hitting the ground running, even before I have all the tools I need.  

No more lunch breaks, no more leaving early, no more time to mill about and chit chat.  Boom boom boom run run run.  Also, way too much sitting around with Zoom. Ugh I'm so over Zoom  

A new job is usually this way, lots of learning to get up to speed and administrative things to get done.  I have a big headstart because I know many of the people and systems already.  Some of the people asked me to apply and that's why I'm there.  I need to remember that, and also that people are being nice to me because I'm their supervisor.  They want me to see them favorably. With this power comes responsibility.  

But there is still so much to learn, and that is exhausting.  

It also helps prevent dementia, to keep using my brain this way.  And I'll get a good break with several weeks off before my next job, which will be much harder even because I won't have the headstart I do now. 

And I'll be fine.  I do need to get back into the habit of cooking to take lunch to work.  I haven't done that in years, as the last three jobs allowed me to go home for lunch.  I have some frozen meals to last me in the meantime that I dropped in the freezer there on my way home from Costco last weekend.  

Poor dog is really struggling with these longer hours without lunch break.  I come home to her freaking out.  She'll adjust, but she'll be soooo happy when we move west to live with my friend who gets off work much earlier than me.  

Oof I need to roll and go to work an hour or more early today.  So much to learn to perform.  Today and tomorrow will be tough, but then hopefully things will settle a bit - Ill know processes and systems, and hopefully I won't have to keep covering for people so much.  Hopefully.  I think that's being set up badly by my supervisor and I'm really not interested in having that be a core job duty.  She'll need to pick up slack on that also.  She's doing other annoying things as well, such as texting my personal cell phone instead of emailing or walking to my office which is right next door to her.  I've started responding to her texts by email or walking the few steps to her office, so hopefully she'll get it.  Also, I've already called her out for being reductionist about gender - she's using really sexist tropes regularly and I'm already annoyed by it.  If she keeps doing it, I'll tell her it makes me uncomfortable, and if she still keeps doing it I'll file a grievance.  She appears to have no management experience or skills.  At least she's not shouting at me from her desk to go to her, as apparently previous people in her position have done.  I hate these stupid power plays.  

exercise paradox

Over the course of my life I have had varying levels of physical activity in my life.  While I've always been a walker, I no longer enjoy hiking.  I like bicycling, I like movement.  But harder core things I veer away from.  I'm too often injured and feel little benefit.  I've never felt anything like a runner's high.  

And it wipes me out.  

I went to the trainer today for the second time and it was not an extremely difficult weightlifting session.  I told her that I didn't want it to be, that I would rather err on the side of light because I have so much to do this weekend.  

And then I spent nine hours on my fucking couch.  So exhausted I could barely get up to go to the bathroom or get food.

So the problem is that exercise depletes me completely.  I"ll feel ok tomorrow though sore, but I will hopefully recover with a night's sleep.  Someday I won't.  

I definitely knew that aerobic exercise does this to me.  LEarned it in my last location when I had to hike up and down hills to get between home and work locations.  I liked the idea of the exercise; the reality of it was exhausting.  Once my heart rate gets too accelerated, it wipes me out.  

But today was anaerobic.  I didn't feel my heart accelerate.  I definitely pushed myself to the quivering muscles, past comfortable.  And I expected to feel a little tired but not completely wrecked.   

This sucks.  I need my weekends to not be spent on the couch in a Reba McIntire binge.  

Isn't exercise supposed to make me feel better?  

I lied

 Last post, I said the new job is "fine."  It's not.  That's a lie.

I don't need to get into all the details, but just know that it's not fine.  It's a waste of my time and it's far ore dysfunctional than I'd known.  I knew it was bad and I knew I could help improve that, but I think it's too far gone right now, honestly.  And my direct supervisor is also not fine.  She was an internal hire that they would not identify to me before I had to accept the job, and she doesn't know how to manage or do anything but perpetuate the dysfunctional status quo.  I'm not here for being forced to do that. 

So, back to work on getting out of here.  

And I've already had my fill of king cake. 

new days

 Been on the new job a few days.  It's fine.  It's longer hours, harder work.  I knew that.  It also pays more than 50% more than my last job so that's fair.  The dog is struggling to adjust though. 

It's also the most gossipy place I've ever worked.  Which is really saying something.  And to be fair, most of what people are telling me is because I'm a supervisor and they're trying to help me out.  But it's still pretty astounding how much people know and how forthcoming they are.  

I also may be changing to somebody who doesn't avoid hugs at all costs.  Today at work I saw a guy I knew in grad school and we hugged, and this is an environment where there is NOT a lot of hugging.  But it felt like the right move.  

And yesterday I saw a former coworker who came out scolding me for not going to see her, and I hugged her.  Mostly to shut her up because it was becoming a fraught situation which she couldn't know.  

I wouldn't describe myself as a hugger, but maybe I'm not completely opposed anymore.  I remember when was a teacher and students would come rushing to hug me and I would stiffly stand with straight arms.  It wasn't even the worries that we have now about power dynamics and touch and all that - I just wasn't a hugger and I'm not an overt expresser of emotion, and some of my students would not stop.  It was kind of hilarious.  Though I still preferred them to express their fondness for me through various poetry forms casting me as the villain.  

Also, I seem to be more and more asking people if they want a hug when they're coming apart and sobbing.  They always say yes.  

I sat today in a meeting for over six hours.  Sat in a chair without a break.  I have no idea why we did that.  It was intense and I leaned in to my stomach rumbling.  I didn't have my phone and didn't know how much time was passing, and I didn't want to miss anything.  Silly.

exercise

 I heard an ad for a personal training studio that caught my attention.  Only requiring once a week, targeted strength training based on research.  So I went yesterday for a free consultation and we did a round and I noticed a few things.

I really use my body weight and inertia and other strategies to move things and my muscles are atrophied even more than I realized.  We weren't doing high weights and my muscles were quivering and I'm quite sore today.  This just really reinforces my idea that I need to engage in strength training.  Which is DUH to anybody who knows anything about aging bodies.  

Also, I like the idea of this - a half an hour a week to be on a healthy path. It's not a gimmick.  I don't have to go every day to the gym (which I hate), I just need to be smart.  But I'm not smart about physiology and I can rely on other smart people.  

This increase in salary I'll be enjoying makes things like this possible.  I really have to be careful about lifestyle creep, but some things like this can be worth it.

Also, i really hate driving.  It was half an hour to get there; that makes a 30 minute session last more like two hours (with arriving a little early and lingering a little after).  It's in an area of town which I don't dislike but haven't been to in years because it's a hassle to drive to.  I told myself that I could do this once a week until a leave which is only like three months away, it's not an indefinite commitment.  I can tack on errands and stops to make it enjoyable.  But I still really hate driving.  This just really reinforces how much I don't want a long commute.

And it strongly came through that I am not here for the chit chat.  I know that I can seem rude and standoffish, but conversation can be difficult for me.  It can be painful and it can drain me.  Social interaction depletes me.  I don't want to be depleted to strengthen my body.  And I don't generally bend to what other people want of me - I don't engage if I don't want to engage.  So it was clear that he didn't find that interesting and he wants to pawn me off on a different trainer, and we didn't set a next session.

I would like to give it a go for a few weeks, despite the aversion I have to driving and chitchat and I want it to inspire me to find a better option when I move to the west coast.  Something more convenient.  Set a habit and stick with it.  I can afford it now and it's worth it in a very busy professional life.  It also helped me sleep well.  

And my friend in that town - not the best friend I'll live with, but a good friend I know from grad school here - is excited she'll have a friend to take walks with.  

And hopefully I will be able to bike to work some days (the job will require me to have my vehicle sometimes, but hopefully not every day, and I can get good panniers to schlep work if necessary).  It's a good route with protected bike path much of the way, one I used to take to work and school when I lived there.  So I think I will take my bike there, just need to get a rack for my truck. 

I'm excited to shift my focus away from house repairs and maintenance to body repairs and maintenance.  It feels really bougie and privileged, and I'm going to lean in with these new bigger paychecks.

ribbit

 I took a leap of faith and I landed in a mudpuddle.

I was offered the new job on a holiday weekend and had to respond during the same holiday weekend. They would not identify who my supervisor would be and I could not meet with her.  I made the assumption that we were on the same page.

We very much are not.  She wants to implement outdated policy that has proven to be harmful.  I'm not going to support that.  I also already intimidate her. 

Look, I could have held out and demanded the identification and meeting before I accepted.  I know that.  But I leapt because sometimes that's fun and works out.  Like all the times I have leapt into strangers' cars in foreign lands.  Like most of my life.  I hop from lily pad to lily pad. 

And this isn't falling into the water, this is just a hiccup. A short hop.  I'll stay a couple of months to make some organizational improvements, and then I'll move on to what is hopefully my last employer.  It is of course another leap of faith but there are fewer unknowns.

So, west coast here I come.

Actually this is nicer because I won't hit snowstorms if I travel crosscountry in April.  Probably.  Definitely no worry about frozen pipes in my house if it's empty. 

And as much as I like living alone, it will be nice to live with my friend again.  Someone else to play with the dog, to share food with.  I talk with her on the phone much more than anyone else.  She's my person - with the healthcare POA and all of that.  And after this house sells I'll be looking for a house to buy, though really I want the house next door to her.  We've talked about me moving in there since watching Will and Grace (I would always be the one taking coffee and newspaper).  Now there may also be the possibility of installing a unit in her fairly large backyard, a tiny house.  Though TBH I'm not sure the big advantage of that over just living in her spare bedroom.  I was thinking I could just pull a tiny house wherever I may end up moving but I'll be earning a salary high enough that if I'm frugal I can afford to buy an actual house (though modest, of course).  One with an attached apartment is always my preference.  The problem is that houses in her neighborhood are super expensive and very rare on market (she bought hers so long ago it was a very different situation) and i don't want to have to buy something clear across town.  That's inconvenient for the informal pop-in and regular dog playtime.

So, that means I'll leave here in three months, which sounds great.  The weather has been awesome.  I cut back freeze damage and it won't be long before things grow again, and I can get some more plants to fill in spots.  The yard will look good.  I got little metal plant identification stands to put in to replace all the wooden stakes I've had in marking things (and the marking has faded).  I need to rebuild compost bins since I gave mine to a friend months ago when I thought I was leaving - I have a lot to put in with the freeze damage cuttings (especially bananas) and other trimmings.  

First things first, I need to finish up the apartment.  Very nearly done, need to finish contact paper in the the cabinets, reinstall the painted doors, do all the paint touchups, install the hood vent fan, move appliances back in, caulk windows and baseboards, fix the squeak in the bathroom faucet, clean very thoroughly including oven, recaulk shower.  Is that it?  I want to finish this weekend.  I have somebody lined up to view it on Monday, but I'll have to tell her plans have changed and I'm leaving I'll probably still let her move in for the few months if she wants, but I doubt she'll want and I feel bad about that as she was really excited about it.  

Could I finish the damn quilt?  Maybe so.  Organize paperwork that got disorganized when I had to just scoop it all up to prepare for viewings earlier.   Start to get rid of things. 

This is so much easier to prepare the house this time, since I already did the work earlier.  Still stressful to have viewings, but there is less up in the air this time.  

OK, just accepted the delayed start date and told my realtor to hang onto my keys.  

Plan is set.  I am having my (king)cake and eating it too.  Hopefully this is the last employer I have so I don't have to explain this situation of leaving a prestigious job so soon. 

and another decision

 The west coast job just said they're very disappointed that I declined and would I consider going there later and they can hold the job for me for up to four months?

SHEESH.  

I thought I was done with this decision-making process.  

Also,

WHY THE FUCK AM I SUCH A HOT TAMALE RIGHT NOW?  

2023 is the best fucking year ever so far and it's just getting started.  

blossom

 I don't consider myself an especially good person.  I mean, I try to always act with integrity, but I find some kindnesses to be really difficult.  Most people would definitely not describe me as warm and fuzzy.  Because I'm not.  I've got a hard edge, I'm blunt, I swear a lot, I'm stubborn AF.  I don't assume everyone will like me and I'm usually perfectly fine when they don't.  We don't all have to like each other.  There are a lot of people I don't really like.  That's life.  They aren't necessarily bad or evil people, I may just not like them for entirely personal reason to me, and I don't have to hang out with them, and we're good.  

ANYWAY.

Some people do like me though and I'm always a little surprised, and some of them REALLY like me and go to bat for me when I don't even know about it.  One coworker today just laid out why she thinks I'm so wonderful, and nobody may ever speak ill of me in her presence - that I'm trustworthy, work hard, show up, that kind of thing.  Which is nice to be seen because that's how I see myself and work to be.

ANYWAY.

I applied for this new job because of people liking me.  Many of the people who will report to me strongly encouraged me to apply.  They were in a vortex of lack of leadership and wanted somebody trustworthy to hang onto.  And they're so happy that I'm going to be there.  They're very sweet about it. We're having king cake on Friday, January 6, my favorite day. 

So good things happened to me, a moderately good person, for just being me.

And this morning I reached out to my previous tenant to see if she knew anybody who'd want to live here in my back apartment, and I very quickly got an email from a young woman who would like to live here.  She loves animals so hopefully my dog will gain a friend.  I'll show her the apartment early next week once I finish the repairs (hopefully).  Hopefully she wants it and takes it and I don't have to list it and deal with lots of showings and such.  How easy would that be?  And all because I treated my tenant of five years respectfully. 

So, treating people respectfully and being trustworthy - it pays off.  I don't have to be a saint or charming or anything else.  I can just be me and be open to good things happening.  Oh, and the guy who hired me I saw today and he said that yes, he really did create this position just for me.  And that my current boss was bragging about me, saying that I'm an excellent choice to hire.

The same current boss who is petty and difficult to work with.  I have taken the high road with him and now he wants some credit.  OK, sure.  

I played the long game and good things are coming around for me.  Except that I wasn't actually strategizing - I was just trying to do a good job in difficult circumstances.  I tolerated so much bullshit, knowing that I would be leaving soon, but I didn't make that mean that I would slack. I didn't run myself ragged but I did good work.  I can't help myself, I always do good work.  And good things are flowing to me.  People say about me moving into this new position "Oh thank god it will be you.  You will make everything better."

Marking this moment of feeling seen in a nice way because there will be rough days down the line.  Lots of them.  But I'll prevail.  As long as I remember who I am - which I rarely forget - I'll be ok.  

And if I can last in this current job for four and a half years and keep my frugal ways, I will be in a very good financial position for retirement. 

life continues

There's been a roller coaster of feelings about this new job.  There was the skepticism ("I am not qualified for it, I shouldn't bother to apply" which was finally overcome by a heap of cajoling).  There was low expectation (with an interview for a job I didn't expect to get, I didn't pretend to be anyone but myself). There was impatience (when an offer didn't come right away), there was confusion (when I got a call from someone I don't know after work hours).  There was absolute surprise at a high-enough salary to make it feasible for me, and a gradual realization that I am qualified, I do bring a lot to the table, and I do deserve to make good money.  Then I did more research to discover how very financially prudent it would be to take this job if I can last for five years.  

And then I got hit with anxiety about it.  About my ability to perform with my health challenges, with staying here, with keeping the same job that long. 

But now I'm back again.  

I still don't know about the five year thing, but even if I don't last that long it's not putting me backwards to take this job.  Especially if I don't engage in lifestyle creep.  If after a couple of months it seems like a good fit then I do want to drop a lot of money upgrading my house - new water heater, attic insulation, new electric panel (it's a mess), new HVAC system (so much more efficient and so much quieter), and solar panels with battery to weather power outages.  My AC guy said he ran the AC unit of what he's researching a price for me on with a portable generator last hurricane, so it's definitely possible to run on solar.  

But that's pretty much all I want to spend money on.  Maybe a nice compost bin, more professional clothes.  But I can keep my frugal ways and save like a demon. So this definitely seems like a yes. 

I was thinking of reducing my vegetable gardening but then I listened to a guy we "discovered" yesterday whose attitude I really like, and I'm about ready to order seed potatoes and grow those for the first time.  And I'll put in peas now, which I haven't done in a long time.  Anyway, that show's over and I did the first coat of paint on my cabinet fronts, so it's time to go walk the dog and figure out other things.  Like fixing the apartment bathroom sink which apparently leaks, I discovered when dripping water for the freeze.  And installing the new hood vent for the apartment because the one one was so gross and the filter had been removed.  Some things are easier to just replace (hood vent), but other things better to restore (cabinets). Once I really looked at the cabinets I realized they're actually in really good condition, just looked icky.  I didn't prep so well as last time so we'll see how well the paint holds up.  Hopefully well.  And if not, I learned a lesson.  I'll put on cabinet pulls as well and they'll look fine.  I'm not going to replace the fridge and stove though I was tempted, because they work fine.  And I'm not going to redo the shower because it's also fine once cleaned.  

I love a four-day weekend.  I have quite a lot of anxiety about the new job being much more demanding, but I don't think it will be like my last job that really fucked up my health.  I don't think I'll have to work weekends or take calls in the middle of the night, which was what really got me with the sleep disruption and heart issues.  My sleep is still rough, but the heart seems really fine.  My real goal will be to start this job off right and to stay healthy.  

OK, off to walk the dog as the dense fog has lifted.  It's another wonderful day ahead.