a day

 I'm still puzzled by my manager seeming to not be an asshole now.  Did my calling her out land?  Did she talk to HR and realize I'm not (entirely) in the wrong?  Today I finally lost my patience with a non-functioning printer.  The office didn't order toner until it ran out and then the company says it's backordered and we have no expected arrival date TO MAKE THE PRINTER WORK.  I have a big event tomorrow and it's mandatory I print things, and in color.

I wasted two hours on this today and I called on the office manager to sort things out.  My assistant was ready to come to the office and make it happen (because she did it wrong yesterday, but also because she's helpful), and then offered to go to every Office Depot to find the right toner, which the manager told her not to do (and I stopped her as well but appreciate her commitment). 

But I was frustrated and tired of excuses, so I emailed my boss and cc'd the office manager and said this needs to get fixed.  The office manager got snippy with me about it was impossible to solve this problem, but then my boss thanked me for looping her in and facilitated locating the toner somewhere and it can arrive tomorrow.  Like, that's a good thing right there.  That's helpful.  That's what a manager should do, what I waited two years to see from her. 

I still don't trust or like her, but I'll be civil.  

I hope I sleep tonight and don't let the big event keep me awake.  I worked all weekend, 12 hours today, 10 hours yesterday - I can't do any more.  This is as good as it gets.

 ***

I did sleep fine, and at 6 am the dog came in to tell me so.  Usually she sleeps with me before big events, somehow knowing what's up - which is frankly not helpful at all because she's a bed hog, but I appreciate her commitment - but she did not last night.  I now have an hour to putz around before stopping at one office to print again and then on to the next.  My assistant will be there in support which is hopefully helpful.  She has a hard time with instructions, but she tries and I appreciate it.  

So grateful that I'm not stressed out about this stressful day.  I'm just going to roll and do the best i can without getting worked up.  I have some moral support this time, which is helpful.  It's going to be a busy day and there are going to be a few people I'll look to to help stay centered.  

OK, the putzing around is over.  Time to start seizing the day.

 

disappointing

 I don't even remember where I saw it, but recently I read some advice about be disappointing and be ok with that. Like, practice it intentionally to get used to it.

And I kind of applied it today.  People show up and try to make their lack of preparation my problem and I'm not interested in that.  I did what I could and then I just acted human.  I tried to multitask but then I dropped things and I'm not even going to apologize because it's not my fault I'm having to multitask.  I never said I could multitask.  I was an amazing multitasker into my 40s, but those days are over.  ONe thing at a time.  And also, sometimes I'm tired.  I have brain fog today, probably from not enough sleep. 

Your lack of preparation or work isn't my emergency and I'm just going to stop acting like they are.  Not my problem.

I've been trying to satisfice for a long damn time and I'm not good at it, but I'm going to renew my efforts, and apply the Pareto principle.  I spend so much time and effort on the things that don't matter as much.  I don't have to be perfect or excellent.  I just have to survive long enough to retire.  That's it.  

Anyway, I'm glad I prepped a lentil casserole because I'm hungry AF and exhausted.  So that's in the oven now.  

I'm not going to let myself work tonight.  I already worked ten hours today, that's enough.  I'll put in a full day tomorrow, survive a really awful Wednesday, and live my life.

Oh, I left some plants behind when I went to pick them up, and the owner confirmed that and offered to bring them to me if that's works out.  That's so nice of her.  I could not figure out what the hell I did with those plants - which aren't exactly small.  Mystery solved, glad I asked.  

I've also asked the hair stylist to fix my bad haircut.  Haven't heard back from her yet.  

So, yeah.  I'm going to disappoint people and I'm going to survive.   

**

Here's what I ate today: breakfast was a bowl of vegetable white bean soup and a piece of whole wheat sourdough toast with Kerrygold cheese.  Lunch was a whole wheat pita filled with a red cabbage peanut garbanzo salad.  Dinner just now was lentils with mashed potatoes and sauerkraut, and a cucumber with dressing.  I may have dessert of some yogurt oatcakes with jam.  While I'm at it, I may just cook up the rest of the batter and freeze the pancakes.  Move the bowl out of the fridge, fill the dishwasher to run.  

Damn, that lentil shepherds pie was really good tonight.  I put in more tomato paste with the lentils than usual, didn't take time to chop up onions and vegetables, just tossed in a bunch of garlic and onion powder.  Very tasty.  

Anyway, it makes me wonder how people don't get enough fiber because I get a lot. 

9:12 and headed to bed in crisp clean sheets

 My favorite thing about April here is no climate control.  I don't know how much of this is because I heavily insulated my attic last year, but it's getting to 40s and even 30s and night and I'm still snug as a bug in a rug.  

I hate to admit this, but the living room ductless heating/air conditioning unit is loud.  I am very noise sensitive, so I spent bank for the quietest Bosch dishwasher, the quietest fridge I could find.  In my bedrooms, the units are very quiet, but in the living room, it bothers me with sounds.  So the past few weeks with it turned off have been so lovely.  Also love is that the barking next door dog is quiet - and even when she saw me when I went out because my dog was barking, she barely acknowledged me.  No idea what changed since yesterday and the past two months of her freaking out all the time, but I will definitely take it and hope it's a permanent change.  Did she hear the anguish of my cries to shut the fuck up last night?  Maybe.  

Thoughts turn to how large of a place I will need to get when I move on?  It is quite nice to have three bedrooms and two bathrooms, but that is definitely more than I need.  So much more.  But it is nice to have a backup bathroom (and one by the backyard is great when I'm filthy), and an office AND a guest room plus my bedroom.  Families visit here comfortably - comfortable bed in the guest room, comfortable futon in the office.  But honestly, my friends would visit me even if I only had a pull out sofa in my living room.  Especially once there's no more dog.  The dog very much loves having her own bedroom, which is the guest room.  It's like a very large kennel where she can go for privacy.  She's quite spoiled.  She, like me, does not care for artificial fibers and she will push off the polyester cover sheets to get down to the cotton, so I'll need to thoroughly clean the comforter soon.  

Was thinking about space when I was brushing my teeth tonight.  I lost about 25% of the bathroom storage when I upgraded my vanity, and I was kind of concerned about that.  But once I started organizing and tossing old things, I only fill four of eight drawers, and that's with all sorts of things like first aid, sunscreen, washcloths, cleaning rags, cold medication (the herbal kinds of course), COVID tests, etc. etc.  I think I'm carrying a lot of junk with me - even though I pride myself on being able to cut all my possessions down to only what fits in the back of my pickup, there's still more I can toss.  Old photo albums and journals?  I've never once looked at them and nobody needs them when I'm gone.  I could digitize them if I cared, but I don't really.  At the least, I could cut them back drastically.  I'm not yet Swedish death cleaning, but I always have a foot out any door so ongoing look to cut the baggage.  

calculating the luxuries

 A luxury that I really like is clean sheets.  What is better than climbing into clean sheets?  I do not know.

I change my sheets once per week, and I'm thinking about increasing that to twice a week, especially as we enter the season in which I can line dry. 

A load at home averages about $1.37 according to some sources, though I would anticipate my cost is lower as I have a very economical washing machine, line dry, use a small amount of detergent, and none of that fabric softener carcinogenic shit.  Is this luxury worth $70/year for me?  Maybe.  And maybe not always, maybe just sometimes I do this.  

No, I don't think I'm especially dirty, and my dog doesn't get in the sheets (my bed always has a top sheet that she's on, so not in contact with sheets, comforter, etc.).  But there's something about that crisp clean sheet that gets less exciting throughout the week.  

This is the kind of boring analysis I do for almost everything.  

Well, today has been only moderately productive.  Four hours on one damn document for work and sending to a colleague for review to disseminate hopefully tomorrow.  Hope it isn't shit.  I don't think so.  But it's petty, and it probably needs to be.  I still have so many other work tasks to do and not sure when I'll get them done before the deadline. 

One load of laundry this week, the others will wait until midweek when it's warmer and I can hang on the line.  Worst case scenario they wait until I have time next weekend. 

I have lentil shepherds pie nearly assembled to go in the fridge until I prepare it on Tuesday.  I'm about to prepare the red cabbage and lentils, and I have some oatmeal pancakes I started yesterday (the oats soak in yogurt) that I'll cook up to go with that for dinner.  

I went to my favorite health food store and got some produce on sale and ... yeah, produce is expensive AF.  On sale I'm paying like $1 each onion, each orange.  That's a lot.  This is why I enjoy the abundance from my yard - the pears, apples, and plums.  I will freeze even more of all those this year.  They're all so good when ripe.  Last year the apple tree didn't really produce but this year it's got so many blossoms, so here's hoping.  I tried canning them all and I'm underwhelmed, but freezing seemed to work great, especially for when I want to add them to something like oatmeal or to bake with, but they would be great in smoothies (if I consumed those), or just thawed with yogurt or chia seeds or something such.  The more I live off the land which is pretty much free - the only cost for these trees has been pruning, I don't even water them at all - the lower my expenses and the more money I can save or put to paying off my house.  

OK, washer is done, time to get back to all the things.

-1.4

 Thank goodness the scale is heading back downwards.  I do think that last week's bump up was from sodium from restaurant and ultra-processed foods I'd eaten.  

I've been a bit stuck at around this weight, but I'm eking closer to a midway goal of about two more pounds to lose.  Then a goal at about 20 pounds loss after that.  

It definitely helps that I've been tracking and I can see that even though it feels I've been stuck here forever, that there has been definitely a two or three pound weight loss over the past two months.  That is the progress I can expect with my crazy self-regulating thyroid and other physiological features that would have saved me in times of famine, for the loss to be sustainable.  

Slow and steady will win me this race.  Less weight means less force on my fragile feet, and the more mobile I can be without requiring major surgery - at least in theory.  There is still foot pain, but it is decreased with the reduced UPF diet.  

Friend texted about a traffic snarl on the way to dog walk but I need to just proceed and get this day rolling.  No more time to dilly dally.  Oh, I did snap off about seven bindweed plants this morning so I'm starting off productively.  This noxious weed will not triumph over me. 

bone tired

 Oy vey, I am whupped.  I pushed myself harder than I should of while planting; here's hoping it doesn't make me sick.

I somehow lost two plants (at least).  I'm looking for them specifically and cannot find them.  It's so weird.

There are a few to be sorted out in the backyard tomorrow, and I believe except for the lost two plants, the front yard is in.  For now.  I planted it more densely, adding shrubs that will grow rather large and  native roses and a lot of ground cover and flowers.  I put in more ferns along the north side of the fence, and I put in some annuals I picked up at the sale today into the curb strip.  We'll see if they can self seed through woodchips.  I put a couple of short lived biennials next to a shrub I hope will grow soon and fill in the space.  There are still a lot of gaps but I think that much of it will get filled in with what's now in the ground.  I watered and I'll water through the summer I guess, especially the new plants that need it.  It's just a big hassle to water such a large yard with a heavy hose. 

The area that I planted a year and a half ago, with the nursery person choosing for me, is filling in nicely but I think a number of things are planted too closely.  I do not want an overly crowded yard - I don't like the dark denseness of it.  

I'm glad I put so much work into eliminating weeds and grass.  Pretty much the only things I am getting are seeds that flew from the ash tree.  It's a native plant and all, but this is kind of a hassle to pick hundreds of seedlings from it.  It's not in a great spot and it's not very attractive, so if this keeps up it may go away. 

I am exhausted but I still pushed through to 

**

Well, and now it's Sunday.  I slept a good eight hours last night so that was good.  I'm feeling a bit groggy and brain foggy and tired and achy, but not full-on sick, so that's also good.  

I have a busy day today.  Dog walk, laundry, vacuum, clean bathrooms.  At least five hours (probably more) of work for my job.  Prepare red cabbage garbanzo salad, lentil shepherds pie, vegetable wild rice bowls and tofu.   That should get me at least through Wednesday, which is my hardest day of this week, and then I can make okonomiyaki and decide on what to make after that.  I've eaten more peanut butter and jelly sandwiches the past couple of weeks than I have the whole previous two years - when I have zero processed foods available, it's the quickest thing to grab.  I was SO HUNGRY all day yesterday.  I hate when I get like that, it's hard to manage and make healthy choices.  

Next weekend there's a tour of an intentional community a couple of hours away, one that I kind of keep my eye on for a few reasons - it's pretty mellow, intergenerational, and less than two miles away from Dear Friend and her family.  It is super hilly, but I could hit that on an ebike.  The housing is condos and they're not super cheap, but at least remotely I dig its energy.  If I were to land there after I leave this job, I would have to get another job there to keep making money - I wouldn't make enough from selling this house to pay for one there in cash, and lordy I'd love to never have another mortgage.  I probably won't make it there next weekend - I sure do hate driving.  But maybe in following years.  One of the most important things I seek in my next stage of life is community.  I've been a free spirit for so long, with lots of intense relationships along the way, but the sticking in one place and showing up over years - I've rarely stuck around long enough for that.  One concern of buying into an intentional community like that is being tied up - it would not be a quick sale of real estate to move on, like it's always been for me in other places (and hopefully will be here).  I see a few properties for sale there and I wonder for how long, etc.  It would have to be a long, planful transition before moving on, and frankly I don't know if I have it in me to be planful about anything like that - I just pick up and move when the whim takes me.  Been doing it for almost 40 years and I don't think I'm actually capable of being any other way.  I hate feeling trapped, absolutely hate it.  

I was thinking how I'm liking that my refrigerator, freezer, and cupboards are getting bare.  Using things up is great, it gives me satisfaction.  But I just checked the sales flyer for my favorite health food store that is on the way back from dog walk, and they have heaps of goodness on sale that I'm going to pick up for a solid restock.  Cauliflower that I'll roast with cumin, zucchini that I'll make into a skillet with black beans and brown rice, oranges and pears, some interesting lentil crackers I'll check out and maybe give a try, and I was planning to pick up some buckwheat as Id been wanting some kasha.  I'll take bags and containers to refill - that always makes me feel like a good citizen of the earth.  

The poor dog is avoiding me.  yesterday she was so obnoxious it was too much, and then at night time the next door dog was screaming again.  It raises my blood pressure because she's crying for help.  I told my dog to go out and tell her to be quiet, and she tried, but it didn't work.  I went out to ask her what's wrong and that flipped her out because I'm dangerous enemy in her mind.  But back in my house I can still hear the screams, catch my physiological response - the co-regulation to her panic, and I started yelling "no" and "shut up."  It worked - she can hear me shouting just like I can hear her.  And frankly if her people are hearing me, that's fine too, because their dog is screaming for hours at night.  But the negative effect was on my dog who very much doesn't like to be yelled at by me.  So, not a perfect solution for sure.  She'll be ok - she'll get a walk shortly and a tick check that leads to treats (she's so good and assumes the position when I say it, and lets me check all over including her belly and armpits).  She'll be upset by the vacuum but then I'll put clean sheets on the bed which she very much likes and she can sleep the day away as she does.  She'll be ok.  She just wants me outside with her all day, throwing toys for her to chase.  All. Day.  And she gets ridiculously enthusiastic whenever she thinks that's happening, which can involve body slamming me and stepping on my feet, none of which I like.  It's in the 40s-60s which is her favorite temperature range, so she has a lot of enthusiasm and sometimes it's too much.  

Still feeling a little slow but time to finish the coffee, do the bindweed pulling walkaround, weigh myself, then dress and take dog for walk and start rolling with this day.  I need to stay slowly productive today, no more tiring bursts. 

earlier and earlier

Today is Saturday and I was up before 5 am.  I have lots to do today, but I wasn't able to fall asleep early enough to have gotten enough rest (thank you, barking dog next door ... for hours).  (That poor dog is so anxious and left outside far too long where she expresses her anxiety through barking.  She's very anxious about my existence, and while my dog will bark aggressively at her if she barks aggressively at me or is looking through the fence slats, generally my dog considers who too loca for engagement.  My dog - with hairtrigger reactivity to everything - rolls her eyes and walks inside when the next door dog is losing her mind.)

That's three or four days in a row of this early rising, likely happening because I have so much to do for work and my brain is processing that.  But also, I need more sleep.  Hopefully tonight I can go to bed early.  

I also absolutely must plant all 80-ish plants I've acquired this week and any I acquire today.  It is very late in the year to be planting and I cannot delay.  And I absolutely also must prepare healthy foods this weekend and not allow myself to get derailed midweek.  I have big stressful work things during the week and early mornings.  Most weeks, I do not have to be at an office by 8 am, but next week I do pretty much every day, and I have to be "on."  It's a scheduling stacking that I have no control over, and I will be absolutely exhausted and drained, and I cannot fall off track or I will stumble too hard and humiliate myself and feel horrible.  And then the following week, similar.  After these two crazy weeks, I will be able to take a breath again, but I have to get to the other side.  

It's supposed to overcast again today which makes the plant placing a little difficult as I have to remember where is full sun and what stays shady.  I'm not crazy about having to rush the planting, but it will make a big difference in plant survival.  

The bindweed seems to be starting up already which seems early, but I'm ready to embark on my eradication campaign with daily (often multiple times a day) pulling.  My goal is to starve the very extensive root system, and it's a methodical and laborious process.  Frankly, methodical and laborious processes are where I shine.  I read the research on this method of removal and they exhort that there must be weekly removal.  LOL, I'll top that once a week and be out there every morning, during lunch and short breaks if home, after work, and before bed.  That's what summer looks like.  There are also some pop-ups of invasive blackberries, ivy, and other invasives that other people complain about, but I so effectively removed those that the attempts are very week and easily stopped.  I removed about 6,500 sq feet of weeds and grass - from cutting and pulling SO MUCH IVY to ripping blackberries down off a patio they were trying to engulf, to using wheelbarrow to cart 200+ cubic yards of biomass around to smother things out.  I'm so fucking thorough.  Now is the glow-up time, when I get to put so many plants in to build native beauty, but to be honest, this is not when I glow.  This is not where I feel most effective.  I'm the destroyer of invasive weeds, the hauler of woodchips (So.Many.Woodchips), not the designer of beauty.  So, it'll be fine - I do my research, I try my best - but fingers crossed it looks good when I'm done and things start to fill in.  

My cup of coffee this morning was very good - a local roaster that supports growers, and a dark blend I quite like.  I got it for a good price at the food coop, and I'll need to keep stocking up there instead of the big bags at Costco - they are fine, but not this good.  I like good coffee. 

this dog cracks me up

 I tend to rotate the dog's toys - the ones she's not playing with go into a big bag, and every so often she gets to choose which one to take back out and I rotate in those she's not really playing with.  It's like new toys but cheaper.  

This morning for some reason I felt like organizing a closet, and that bag was on the floor.  She stuck her nose in and made it very clear she wanted a toy.  So I dumped them all out on the floor and kept organizing.  She kept coming in and out, checking in on me ... or so I thought.

No, that little stinker took every single toy, one by one, out to the living room.  I turned around and the only toy left was a new one that's a favorite which she knew I wouldn't take away from her.  

And then she went outside at exactly 7:00 a.m.  I had opened up the door to the mudroom at shortly after 5 this morning, looking for plastic containers to share.  Last year, a neighbor asked if I could please not let the dog bark before 7 am, so I stopped letting her out earlier than that.  (Note: most of why she barks is because squirrels are putting nuts into my yard - nuts that those same neighbors are feeding them.  fucking squirrels)  Even when she now has access earlier, she waits.  Much like how she waits until 5 pm to tell me that I must put my computer away.

How does this dog tell time?  Even at daylight saving time, she adjusts her internal clock well before I do.  It's so peculiar and I will always be baffled. 

She is so much smarter than I understand, but she is also insane, and I just have to let her be her.  

mainstream American diet

Sometimes I wander through the middle of the supermarket and marvel at all the ultraprocessed foods and wonder who eats them.  it's not even with judgment, I'm just curious.  

I've definitely eaten my fair share of ultraprocessed foods (UPF) over the years.  I recall as a college freshman the craving for cool ranch doritos at 2 am.  And sometimes when I've lived abroad and it's been difficult to prepare foods, I've relied on a diet of fake pringles and cheap Turkish cookies more than I wanted to.  I would say though that overall my diet has been fairly healthy, with whole grains and vegetables and lean proteins.  

But since last August, it's been a real overhaul.  By drastically reducing sugar and UPF including things like white flour, it's been a remarkable improvement in my health.  And last week when I was going through a setback and feeling awful, once I really drilled down on what I had eaten in the days preceding, I think the flareup may have been caused by the cornchips, the crackers, the restaurant food.  The pattern is just too clear to ignore.  Eat processed foods - even those packaged as healthy ones - and feel like crap.  

Last night I really really wanted a cookie, so I made a little one serving ramekin one.  I use whole wheat flour, cut the sugar to 25% - so it hits the craving with less impact.  But I still an hour later was like, "Wow, the arthritis in my hand is going off, what is happening?  Ohhhh." And this wasn't like a day of eating junk - for lunch I had cucumbers and asparagus, for dinner black beans and brown rice.  Though the day before I did have pizza from Costco, so there's that.  It's one of my main guilty pleasures.  

I just can't eat what other people eat.  Last year, when I would go to the main office for the full day, I'd get a lunch of a Korean burrito or pad thai.  Now I look at how much sugar and refined carbs that is because those make me feel crappy.  I don't want to feel crappy.

But this has got me thinking about what are my real retirement plans.  I can't go back to a life of fake pringles and cheap cookies.  I could probably go someplace like Iceland which considers the mainstream American diet to be poison.  But even in France I struggled in a lot of ways - the sauces are so heavy in restaurant meals and much quick food is on a baguette.  My favorite thing there are the wonderful carrot salads in the supermarket - I could live on those.  Of course the farmers markets are wonderful but I struggle to cook meals when staying in temp lodging.  Hopefully I develop more tolerance, but now just a few days of UPF knock me out - which can make travel difficult.  (Also, I cannot eat most salads from restaurants - the sanitation is always lacking and I nearly always end up with diarrhea.)  I guess I'm just super sensitive to things.  Usually food from less industrialized countries is good - things like fresh fish, vegetables from the garden, taro, etc. etc.  But those things are hard to make as a tourist and even when I've stayed with families it's been tough.  I remember in the Dominican Republic they were serving me so few vegetables, and I was so sick from malaria etc. than I left for a spa, and they kept giving me fruit juices as though that's the pinnacle of health.  

I just want vegetables, whole grains, legumes, lean protein, whole fruit, nuts and seeds.  That's what makes me feel good.  I remember decades ago in Guatemala eating like that - those black beans and fresh corn tortillas still haunt me.  I need to find places like that, where it's easy to eat fresh and healthy.  

And while I am not happy in this town, I need to recognize how valuable it is that I have access to farmers markets, health food stores, and Costco for some things, and my own garden.  So many places in the United States do not have all this access to healthy food.  Even here the supermarket nearest me - the produce section is sad.  It makes me long for the rich abundance of a neighborhood French farmers market, or even the big wagon overflowing with herbs in Azerbaijan (where people REALLY love their fresh foods and are so knowledgeable about them, but it was hard to be a visitor to access those things).  Yes, I know that i can buy frozen foods to get my vegetables but ... it's not the same.  

One other shift that I've made very lately is to say ok to the sauces.  I bought salad dressing for the first time in years, a local made one with short shelf life, and it makes it so much easier to eat more vegetables than having to always make my own dressings or elaborate meals with multiple ingredients.  Arugula and cucumbers starting to turn?  Clean and slice and dunk some dressing on 'em and that's much of a meal.  

Randomly - I really really hate how my urine smells after eating asparagus.  I like asparagus a lot but it's enough to deter me.  I think I'm done this year with asparagus because of this.  

Anyway, I hope that I can figure out how to stay committed to my style of healthy eating because it makes a fundamental difference in my health.  

And this weekend I need to really focus on preparing food for the week as I have some challenging days.  Once again I started to drop off mid-week, though this time I rallied better with rice and beans and salad dressing. On Sunday I'll make one of my favorites, a big bowl of red cabbage with garbanzos and peanuts, with a sauce of peanut butter and fish sauce and lime juice.  I eat that for breakfast in a pita and i'm good.  I'll see what the farmers market has got going on.  I have some greens to cook and a sweet potato to roast, maybe I'll make a grain bowl with those and tahini dressing and baked tofu.  Probably time for tuna sandwiches again, it's been awhile.  I do also have a green cabbage and carrots and green onions to make okonomiyaki.  I need a lentil dish for sure.  OK, I'm on the right track for next week to be better. 

human frailties

I have two team members and they are making my life tough.  The good thing is that they are upbeat about my countless corrections.  The bad thing is that i have to make countless corrections.  

Please spell people's names correctly (and don't make up people's names that are nothing like their actual names - WHICH I SPELLED CORRECTLY WHEN I GAVE IT TO YOU and you just disregarded.  Please include in the document all the pages I told you to include (I spent FIVE HOURS or more, JUST on this today) (definitely more - it's still wrong).  Please do not assume that drafts are final to be shared.  Please contact the person that I told you to contact a month ago. 

And so on. 

I do not understand why every person I work with in this office is so bad at things.  One of these people is incredibly slow and when I ask for something that should take five minutes, I may see it five days later.  The other is just all over the place, making up weird shit that doesn't resemble the assignment.   Unfortunately, she is having health issues that are definitely affecting her functioning, and that sucks.  I really like her.  I like them both.  I also hate that I have to work so much unpaid overtime fixing their mistakes.  

I put the issue on leadership.  They refuse clear direction and procedures, so everyone is scrambling to make shit up as they go, and when I complain to leadership about this, I'm told "Everyone knows that."  Really?  Because I just asked five people and NONE of them knew that.  

Two years, ten months, 27 days.  Then what?  I don't know, but hopefully something where I can have a good team.  I've seriously never had so many incompetent people around me before who think that they are great.  It would sure be great if somebody other than me would just be honest.  People want to do a good job, the right thing -it should not be so hidden to figure it out.  

And also what sucks is infirmities in other people - knowing that they are struggling the same way I am because this job is fucking demanding and we're all trying to survive with our brain fog and painful limps and all that.  

I do try to be encouraging.  Today I told our receptionists a story about how things that they had done that I had asked them to do, had a direct impact on improving a life, and I gave vivid details, and one started crying and the other was about to.  As I walked away, they said, "Wow, that gives me a reason to come to work in the morning, to hear this."  

See, that's how I appreciate people.  I am honest and direct and apply what is real.  I don't tell my secretary that she's doing a great job when I have to wait five days for a simple thing, but I *will* tell her how much I appreciate that she doesn't gaslight me.  She calls shit like she sees it, and I like that.  Also, she makes fewer errors because she takes so much longer, and I definitely appreciate that too, and I tell her.  Maybe someday she'll speed up a little. 

Anyway.

There is a TV show I want everyone to watch so that it doesn't get cancelled - It's Good Cop, Bad Cop on the CW.  I just randomly stumbled across it, and I really like it.  It's funny and warm and kind and goofy.  I want more shows like that.  I just have no patience for mean shows.  

There are about 70 plants in my backyard needing to get planted this weekend.  I think that I have a place for almost all of them figured out, though we'll see.  Have some spots I'd love to start filling in but it's in in morning glory and Spanish bluebells, so those spots will stay bare for now as I battle the noxious weeds. The person I bought plants from today was very happy to see me, vividly remembering when we met last year.  We definitely clicked.  And the person I bought plants from yesterday I quite liked.  Maybe native plants are my way to meet people here that I can stand. 

needing no

 My dog woke me before 5 am this morning because she wanted to snuggle, and I could not go back to sleep, and that was too little sleep.

Thus began a day of people taking advantage of me because I want to be helpful and accommodating.

It is time for boundaries because now I'm stressed out by all this added work.  I didn't get anything done that I had scheduled for today because of people asking me to do things for them - and they're all things I don't really much mind, but I AM BUSY.  Add this aggravation on top of the one of people not appreciating me accommodating them, even lying about it, and

FUCK. THIS.  

I'm about to get really careful with my time and energy and it's not going to freeloaders.   

Also, I'm pretty fed up with people who want to give vapid responses that don't answer the question and aren't helpful.  I felt like I was in a fucking Kafka story today, with three different bureaucratic procedures I was supposed to do which are for the same thing and completely contradictory. 

What. The. Hell. 

Jealously going to guard that time and energy. 

Of course I'm fooling myself - being helpful is my brand.  And there were people I spoke with today so grateful for my helpfulness.  "Hey, do you have a minute?"  "For you?  ALWAYS."  Thanks, sweet person.  

OK, so maybe i just need to set clearer boundaries.  I'm pathologically helpful and I can't stop, but when asked to do things for other people I can set it out.  I won't drop everything but I can do it in two days.  And if people do things late and cause more burden on me, I'm calling it out.  

Ok, boundaries.  BOUNDARIES BOUNDARIES BOUNDARIES

is it the food?

 Still feeling drained but a little better.  I think the pollen may be affecting me badly, maybe?

 When I reflected on not good food choices last week (crackers, corn chips), I'd forgotten about going out twice - once for ramen, once for salad & hot bar.  I'm sure those foods were super high in sodium and other things I don't eat a lot of, so maybe that?

Today I had toast with cheese for breakfast because I need better breakfast options, for lunch was millet with beets, arugula, and roasted asparagus, and dinner was green borscht (sorrel, potatoes, eggs) and another slice of toast (99% whole wheat sourdough).  Now I'm having chia pudding with strawberries, no additional sweetener. 

I don't want to be that sensitive to going off diet sometimes, but I don't know why I'm feeling so crappy otherwise.  

Was reading an article today about difference between stress and distress, and I read through all those symptoms of distress, and ... yeah. I'm in distress.  

Anyway.

I just don't think I'm up for this study on the saunas.  It's too invasive physically and too time-consuming.  But it does have me interested again in getting a sauna - I think I"ll go check some out locally and see if I can find one I like.  If i get it now and use it regularly for three years, that's saving me money from joining a gym to use a sauna - which tbh I'm not going to drive to.  I should just get my own if I'm going to. 

Just brought my little tiny pepper plants inside - it's going to be in the 30s again.  These poor things, it's been so chilly.  I know I need to set up a greenhouse and light and all that but I'm just meh about that ... and then i see starts for $5.99 each and I want to reconsider that.  I was moderately productive today - the green borscht was a production, and the dishes are all done.  I put out more slug traps.  I did various other things.  I just have to make slow progress.  tomorrow I'll get to vacuuming.  

It was wild to be at the university where I used to attend, bicycling around.  I didn't see nearly as many bicycles as I remember, though maybe people park and then walk - I think I used to do that.  It was really weird because I have zero muscle memory of the hundreds of bicycle trips I made to that campus.  None.  It's changed a lot, but still.  That's weird to me.  I biked almost every fucking day for like four years - rarely did I not bicycle, and then I took the bus.  But I remember even in really bad weather I would bicycle - a friend called me a turtle for wearing an army surplus rain poncho over my backpack and just pedaling through.  I remember biking even late at night.  I didn't even own a car until well after graduation.  So why can't I remember biking?  That was a good bike for me - my aunt gave it to me when I visited her in New Mexico and I schlepped it on a Greyhound somehow.  So many details escape me, though I do remember her giving it to me as she wasn't really using it.  Turned out later that the frame was cracked and I was always riding on borrowed time, but that blue 10-speed never let me down.  I took bike repair courses and learned a fair amount.  Now I ride a brown cruiser and am glad that I finally got a seat that isn't incredibly uncomfortable.  I brought it from New Orleans, put it on a rack on the back of my truck, and I'm glad I did, but it does have rust from being in the covered carport in New Orleans.  Today I dropped my bright green U-lock and it got dinged up, and none of these things are pristinely new anymore, which is frankly how I like to keep things.  Friend from grad school was here and I said I'd someday remove the protective film from the appliances, after all repairs are done, and she said in Ecuador (where her husband is from and she's lived a lot), people never take the film off.  And I thought, "Wow, those are my people."  I like things to stay pristinely new looking.  

Maybe that's because - I realize as I remember when I lived here 35 years ago - that I've spent most of my life broke.  Getting second-hand broken bicycles is so exciting, riding Greyhound, not even owning a car for many adult years.  I never had any support from my family and that was ok - I got very good scholarships and I hustled three jobs to pay bills, eating rice and beans and renting a room.  When I first moved here I lived with a friend who insisted we got get food stamps (she was struggling as a substitute teacher), and that felt like we were so rich.  We ate cheaper than food stamps allowances for ages.  We only got the food stamps a month or two - I remember them so well though - and another friend's mom used to drop off the commodities cheese and she was really poor but generous.  

Poor people seem to me to almost always be more generous than rich people.  In America.  It's different other places.  I look forward to going other places.  

And I also like how even though I cannot remember the specific places that I used to bicycle more than half my life ago (the map told me it was the building that I had an office in the basement in but I wouldn't have recognized it), I like falling back into some frugal patterns.  Not that I ever stopped being frugal, really.  It would be nice to make friends like I used to, though I do know that friendships change as we age. 

Two years and eleven months more.  I have to live through the distress. 

more money thinking

 Stopped by my favorite health food store and got garbanzos and quinoa (in bulk, took my own container), 1 sweet potato to roast with other vegetables, small head of red cabbage for one of my favorite salads for breakfast in a pita, a very dark chocolate bar on sale, and on-sale apples (which I put into a mesh bag that I took with has the tare weight on the tag).  Feeling quite environmentally smug, though I was driving there in a gas guzzler truck as I'd just walked the dog.  I would bike to my favorite nearby department store, but I want to pick up poster board for protests, so I'll drive.  And I should do that errand this morning before I lose my mojo.  The walk went well, not a lot of drama, and the dog seems tuckered out (she's snoring).

Yesterday I walked into a conversation of a co-worker talking about buying expensive handbags.  I know she makes less money than me, and I am perplexed at her lifestyle.  New car every year or so, expensive handbags - I don't get it.  She complains about money, but then again so do I because I feel house poor.  I look at her quizzically when she talks about all this spending that I consider unnecessary, and usually I offer no advice because it's not my business and she's not asking.  Her retirement is not my business - and I think she is married to a man who makes good money, so my concerns are likely not valid.  But it still just surprises me every time I hear of people who make unnecessary purchases.  I guess that's the American way, but it's not my way.  My luxury purchases today are eye drops because I am having a lot of issues with dry eyes, poster board for protests, ant traps because they are very very bad this year, maybe some plant food because my starts don't seem very excited about life, and musli because they have the best price on food and musli with berries and yogurt is a good dinner in a pinch.  I cannot imagine buying a handbag for fun.  I've had the same one for at least eight years, bought on sale at an outlet mall when I was at a work event, and the one previous to that I'd bought for $1 at a thrift store and used it for years until it fell apart beyond repair.  Of course I spend money on things that other people think is wasteful - native plants, energy efficient heating, a new car that should last for 20 years, organic food, etc.  It's all about priorities.  

When people talk about what percentage of their income they save, I'm always perplexed.  Gross or net?  So I did my own calculation - I take the percentage gross of my retirement savings taken pre-tax, and then net the amount of savings/house pay-down post-tax.  21% of my gross income goes to retirement savings, and last month 54% of my net went to savings and house pay down ... so in sloppy math (because I've found no better formula), 75% of what I earn goes to savings (except for special projects like renovations, which will hopefully pay off with house sale).  That's a pretty good savings rate, and of the 25% that I spend each month, 67% is housing and utilities.   

I think that's pretty much maximizing savings, I think.  So the question now is how to make more money.  I'm paid well but I need a side hustle of some sort to throw even more money at house and retirement.  I'm struggling to find what that is for me.  

Oh, whoops, I can't go to the store today - it's closed for Easter.  Oh well.   Just put that errand off for another day.  Checked the ads and Costco has Kerry Gold butter for $3.80 off - that's worth a trip to stock up my freezer.  

I find frugality comforting.  I never understood people who would just walk into a store and buy whatever without a list and a plan. 

mining for muscle, +0.4

 I think I won't be able to do the sauna study because I'm not ok with them taking a "black bean sized" chunk of my muscle.  I'll still go to meet with them on Monday and see if I get a different vibe, but the thought of them cutting through skin and fat to harvest a significant amount of muscle frankly horrifies me. 

And why do they need that?  I guess I understand how that could be helpful, but I don't want to give it.  Unless they will provide me with the information they find - when I asked, the answer was a little wishy washy so I can ask more specifically.  I have been curious if I have a muscle condition because I get so fucking exhausted.

Speaking of, I'm fucking exhausted.  I did do physical activity - got a load of compost, unloaded it, built garden beds, put in plants, upplanted others, tried again to woodchip and decided to give away the machine so I did, etc.  But also a lot of sitting and it's only 8:30 and I'm just so very very exhausted.  

***

Still exhausted the next morning.  I woke up twice in the night - wide awake.  Grateful for being able to go back to sleep.  But I'm still just so drained.  

Today's chores will be focused because I don't have energy to spare.  Walk the hyperclingy dog.  Vacuum, clean bathrooms.  Laundry.  Clean a pile of projects odds and ends.  Cook and prepare food.  Maybe a green borscht, a millet-beet salad with tofu "nuggets" (or maybe sardines), okonomiyaki (cabbage pancakes).   I'll also set out a can of tuna on the countertop to remind myself that a tuna sandwich is an acceptable dinner.  My cabinets are looking pretty bare, in a good way - not a lot of unnecessary or unhealthy things in there, though I do also still have a couple of pickled things to use up (pickled okra and pickled carrots) that I pickled more than a couple of years ago.  Oh, just checked the fridge - forgot I picked up asparagus that I also need to use up.  Always lovely roasted, maybe I'll bake some salmon with it.  

this feeling like crap is disheartening as I've stayed solid to the low-sugar life and I thought that sugar was what made me feel crappy.  The only real difference lately is not feeling like cooking and eating crackers and corn chips.  Could that relatively small amount of ultraprocessed foods instead of the usual whole grains and vegetables over just the course of a week or so really be causing this awfulness?  (over about 10 days, 1/2 box crackers and 2 medium bags of corn chips which I eat with cottage cheese)

Scale says I gained back that 0.4 pound.  I keep jumping around this weight, seemingly stuck here.  I'll stabilize and then move on. 

Making a list of things to use up.  I have some wonderful tahini from Trader Joe's, a taste I like a lot.  Oh, a couple of cucumbers that I need to eat very soon or give away.  Wild rice - I bought more than I meant to and I should use it up ... maybe I'll roast some vegetables to eat with wild rice and tahini dressing and pickled carrots and whatever greens I have in my fridge.  Yum.  I have canned beets and green beans I need to use up, though no rush on that.  Also want to make black beans and brown rice one day when I'm off early enough to cook brown rice for dinner, and I have pickled jalapenos to go with that, and homemade salsa, pepitas, olives, ... 

OK, I need to focus back on vegetables and unprocessed foods.  See if I can feel better or if I just happen to be fighting a bug or something else.  Because this exhaustion sucks. 

Waiting for the heated milk to cool so I can start yogurt, then off to walk the wild beast, with a stop at my favorite health food store for provisions if it's open.  I guess it's Easter today?  It's always creeped me out as a holiday - the whole death cult thing is not my speed.   

Another goal for today: in between the cooking and relatively light chores, I hope to get some reading done and return some library books sooner than later.  That may also involve accepting that I will not read some of the books I have - they don't engage me, they're too dense, etc. 

not planting strawberries

 I saw a post on Facebook that a farm I follow is looking for people to help plant strawberries.  I followed up and they were starting early this morning, $17/hour.  I wish I had the energy, but extending myself too far physically ends me up sick for days or weeks - plus, I have enough of my own chores this weekend (like unloading the compost I just picked up for free).  Additionally, I don't want to do all the paperwork and taxes and all that.  I was going to ask if we could just barter - I could get flats of strawberries later in exchange for labor - but all that just seemed too much to ask.  The good thing is that I definitely know that I want to get strawberries from them this year - they had seemed too far away but it's not that bad, and I do plan to u-pick this year which they do, and they grow organically. 

I'm also not planting strawberries in my yard, even though I love strawberries.  There were a couple of strawberries planted when I moved in, and they always had bites taken out of them when I went to pick.  Rats?  Probably.  Fuckers.  I don't want to deal with all that.  And it's easy to get strawberries from local growers.  So, not taking the space up for that.  Need to keep reminding myself: only three more years here.  I'm not putting in asparagus beds or anything else of a long-term nature.  I am still putting in bushes and trees and things that will fill in, but with hopes that at three years they will be grown and filled in to a considerable extent.  It will not be a mature yard but it will hopefully look good. I found a couple other native plant sales coming up in the next couple of weeks - which is frankly annoying AF but I'll go.  It's annoying because FALL is the right time to plant here, not spring.  Very soon we will begin about five months of total drought - no rainfall at all - after many months of very regular rainfall that makes the ground boggy.  Very wet and dry cycles here.  And planting right before a long hot dry cycle is stupid AF.  But I'm still planning to put in several dozen more plants.  I'll get some survey flags to mark and remind myself where I need to water.  Oy vey, how annoying, to water things.  So I will take long lunch breaks two days next week to pick up more plants, and then hit a sale on next Saturday, and then I'll plant, and hopefully I'll be fucking done with putting in plants until October.

There are some gorgeous blooms going on in my front yard from what I planted about a year and a half ago - the irises are stunning, as is the ceonothus.  Fun berries from the kinnikinnick, and such.  It's nice.  I like it.  And so I'm going to spend about another grand to fill things in.  The big surprise to me that I'm really liking is fringecup - I got them because of the pretty flowers, but I am really liking them because of the year round lush greenness and that they'll grow in shade.  They fill in so nicely and aren't fussy.  That's my kind of plant, and I'm getting more.  I'm also planning to get kind of a rangy plant, not at all manicured, that is an incredible bee magnet.  I'll find a place to tuck it away with its discreet blooms, where it can be wild.  I am really liking the plants that come back on their own without me needing to nurture or replace them - like Douglas aster, pearly everlasting.  Those things will take over if I let them, and I may let them in certain places.  I may need to transplant some to big open areas and let them have their way.  I know the thriller-filler-spiller idea of landscape architecture, and I understand it at a basic level, but isn't it nice if they are more than one?  I have this huge canvas to work with and I'm tucking in around the edges and trees and such, and soon I hope to just fill it all in without it being one of those dark, overgrown messes.  Full and lush yet open and inviting, too.  All while knowing very well that I'm not very good at this landscaping.  I'll continue to be excited though as I see things like the twinberry starting to flower.  Dear Friend asked if they're berries to eat, but I didn't plant it for me - I planted it for the birds, and I planted it where I can see it from my kitchen window, which I spend a fair amount of time looking out.

This weekend is fantastic for working outside - not rainy, not hot.  I want to power through a lot, and then I do need to focus back inside my house to finish some things like the kitchen.  I want to get my to-dos mostly done so I can take opportunities to earn more money if they arise.  I'll always have chores of course but I won't always be doing the big things.  

OK, moving compost.  

at what point do I need to arm myself?

 I grew up around guns, a LOT of guns.  They were used for hunting, very real protection from aggressive bears, etc.  I ate and grew up with a father because of guns (several times he would likely have been killed by a bear if not out with other people with excellent aim).  

Fast forward to living in New Orleans, with a very high violent crime rate and guns everywhere I would turn - and usually carried by amped up teenagers.  I dated someone in law enforcement who always had two guns on him.  He and many others absolutely did not understand why I did not have a gun.  At one point a friend and I got interested and went to firing range and contemplated gun ownership.  

But I know the stats: how a homeowner's gun is likely to be used against them.  And I know myself - I have no interest in committing myself to actually becoming good at gun ownership.  I've gone to some classes and I find it all quite boring.  I don't want one more thing that I have to maintain, get a gun safe, etc. etc.  I had a friend in northern Louisiana, a very liberal older white man, who always carried many guns in his vehicle, a soft top Jeep.  How easy was it for those to be stolen?  Too easy.  And he joined the number of people who contributed to the illegal gun trade - which makes all of us much less safer - through his negligence of leaving guns in cars.  There are gun safes for cars but people just do not take the precautions that make all of us safer.  Our world here in the US is hypersaturated with guns.  

And while I'm glad that I do not have a phobia of guns that makes me shut down, I just feel really strongly that I don't ever want to be the cause of a gun getting into the hands of dangerous people, and nor do I want to be the victim of my own gun, and I don't want to worry about any of this.

But at what point should I?  The people who are not looking out for the common good are arming themselves to the teeth.  I"ll never be a marksman who can pick off marauders, but is there some layer of protection as our civilization is falling apart all around us?  

When it gets to the point that marauders are roaming and I'm in danger of attack, I doubt that I'll survive long.  I have had a great life, a good long one at nearly 60, and any resources should go to the younger and scrappier among us.  All I can hope for is a peaceful death.  

But there is still this concern in the back of my head - especially when there is no more dog.  This dog adds SUCH a layer of protection.  She would rip asunder anyone trying to harm me - and she, like me, is not afraid of guns.  She grew up on the streets of New Orleans - gunshots were likely all around her.  It has never upset her to hear gunshots, and she can remain very focused on whatever her task is.  She alert barks, she aggressively rushes and barks to keep people away, she's obsessed with my well-being.  

But what about when there's no more dog?  Will I feel that I need something else to keep myself safe?

Well, it probably won't be a gun.  But I guess I'll keep pondering at what point it should be.  

money and food

 Yesterday I returned to the supermarket where I was overcharged and demanded a return of $1.16.  I was very polite about it and it wasn't like a demand at all, and I didn't even act annoyed even though it was a special trip for me which I don't like.  The cashier had keyed in sweet onions, not the $.47/# on sale yellow onions.  I know it's only $1.16, but I'm aware of how much money I spend on onions and I didn't want it to be even more.  

And now I turn around today and I'm going to have to eat lunch out because once again I did not prepare food mid-week.  I even have it ready to go to make rushtaya, red lentils with pasta - ingredients measured out on the countertop.  But I just couldn't get myself to cook after work this week - too exhausted or doing other things.  I need to figure this out because my late week plunge to not planned food is not a good thing.  I had crackers and cheese for dinner.  That's not where I want to be going.  And the next month and a half is going to be so exhausting at work with full-day events.  

I need to spend the day in the office but I don't have a lunch to take and the only healthy option I can think of is salad bar at Whole Foods, which I'm boycotting.  Fuck Jeff Bezos.  I used to get a Korean beef burrito or pad thai, but those have sugar and ultraprocessed foods and I don't want to slide down that slope, especially because i had birria ramen yesterday.  I've tried a number of other things near my office but it's always been so disappointing or it's unhealthy or it's something I don't really want, like white rice.  (I'm quite off rice lately.)  Add to that, the cost.  I have been liking living on my food stamps budget for food, and now I'm blowing it on disappointing less healthy options.  But I really do need to go to the office for the day, so I think I need to suck it up.  Hey, I'll be bicycling to the office which saves gas, wear and tear on the car, and $6-$8 in parking, and I'll be schlepping water instead of buying it (we have no water cooler and water from the sink tastes gross), so ... still winning? 

I just really need to get better about the mid-week food preparation.  No way around that.  I need to figure out how to contain chopped onions without stinking up the container and my fridge, because having that step done is always helpful.  

Anyway.

The dog has been super sweet and clingy.  Very loving and not obnoxious generally.  We go through these phases and it's nice.  I've been at the other office every day this week so maybe that's it - she likes the break from me.  

This current world is stressful AF.  I always appreciate when another party brings it up tentatively, and I can jump in.  A tough as nails proper English elderly lady did so yesterday and it strikes me how our terrors are identical despite her being perhaps a generation older than me almost and our very different background.  A younger guy was also there and he didn't want to engage in the conversation so he stepped away, but she and I bonded over the horrors of each day currently.  

Also, I like how she likes me and appreciates me.  I need to start tallying these things.  I got asked to speak at an event because people from another organization have been talking about how much they like me - and I need to keep records of these things.  So maybe a fragile ego secretary doesn't like me because I ask them to do their job, and then I get in Big Trouble - that's what has happened and caused me significant anxiety about losing my job.  So even if my organization is all about the toxic positivity, others appreciate me for being a straight-shooter and calling things out.  Other people are not threatened by my calls for improvement but appreciate it and want us to work together.  So yeah, I need to keep this documentation in case it ever comes down to something, my boss's fears of me.  Yesterday I sent to my boss and the middle manager (who really doesn't like me because I'm not one of the cool kids) some information about an event and the specific positive feedback my colleague and I received from a person in charge.  Add it to the folder of positive feedback from people I interact with professionally who are not of my organization.  I've always been very good at building alliances and collaborations of a meaningful nature, so for my boss to be so nitpicky and say my personality is bad in a way that makes me fear for my job - that has been difficult and demoralizing.  I do not have the stomach to document all the toxic positivity and her bullying, but I do need to force myself to catalog positive feedback about me in the event that she tries again to rid herself of me because I make her uncomfortable with all my direct honesty.  

Yesterday I was talking to someone who had changed jobs to a lower status one some time ago and I asked why.  "Because I hated that higher-status job and knew I'd be dead in a few years from the stress.  So better to take a lower-stress job for less money and live my life."  Um, wow.  Yes.  But here I am, in a high-paying job that is killing me, and I'm not seeing my way out of it until retirement, and yikesaroni.  I need to keep looking for emergency exits. 

worse than the actual chore

 I just emptied the truckbed of the load of dirt I snagged from Friend's house on Sunday.  It's been sitting out there all week because I just didn't have it in me to deal with it, even though I knew it didn't have to be a perfect job because I'm getting a load of (free) compost on Saturday.  

Know what was worse than the 40 minutes of hauling heavy loads of dirt?  (Sheesh dirt is so much heavier than woodchips!)  Thinking about having to do it.  

I hate adding things to my to-do list, so I will do a lot to be able to just do them at the moment that they arise.  I would have just emptied the truckbed on Sunday but I was getting work week anxiety to a crippling degree, which unfortunately for me is made worse, not better, but physical exertion. 

Oh, speaking of that, I may be getting into a study about saunas after all.  The one hold up for me is that they want to take a pretty large (size of a dry bean) sample of my muscle tissue, and ... yeah.  Ouch and creepy in a Henrietta Lacks kind of way ... but I would really like to have access to a sauna and an enforced usage schedule.  It will be hard to accommodate with work, but it's only for a few months, and I would love to know if my body responds well to saunas, with measurable outcomes.  

BREAKING NEWS - Kilmar Abrego Garcia met with his Congressman in El Salvador.  I know a lot of people were thinking that he's dead but I didn't - I am certain that this is a test case to see if Americans will allow this sort of thing unchecked.  WE WILL NOT.  We have to keep speaking up and showing up.  

if I'm being fully honest

I haven't really ever felt like i've recovered from the double whammy of malaria (multiple times) and chikungunya.  I'm functioning better now in many ways, but my struggles at work are at least in part because I am not well. Mentally and physically.  But mentally is more the problem.

I get overwhelmed at work because my brain cannot process information like it could before.  And yes, this could just be aging and how our brains change and menopause and all that, but there is a very clear dividing line between before and after.  I remember I was visiting friends in Paris and had stopped taking the anti-malarial, and I felt crappy and didn't understand why.  That was about 15 years ago, and I still don't understand why but I still feel crappy.  I've seen numerous doctors (they are all dismissive), I've tried lifestyle changes (goodbye, sugar), but I still just feel like my brain and body aren't working right.  

and the problem is that my job is exhausting and demanding, and I struggle to keep up and I make mistakes.

This is very hard for me because I work hard and want to do well, but tbh I struggle.  It's really hard work. 

all my life, things have come easy to me.  Not relationships or emotions or that stuff, but tasks and knowledge? That stuff is so easy.

Was easy.  It's hard now.  

And I'm only in my mid-50s.

It can be so hard to keep up and feel like I've been run over by a truck.

And now my eyes are going.  Fucking hell.  I have an appointment in a month with a retina specialist, but I'm skeptical of medical providers, because life experience.  

I want to go back to a job at which I can give 50% and have it still be good. I want to good enough, to satisfice.

I'm so fucking tired of scrambling for survival.  Maybe I'm just getting sick, but it seems that this feeling keeps popping up.  I don't think it's imposter syndrome - I've not really ever suffered from that.  But I went back and looked at something I did awhile ago, and somebody else had to fix it because I totally fucked it up.  That's so embarrassing.  

I need to stay those almost three more years, I really do.  I'm nearing halfway through, I'm 42% through. Can i keep faking it?  Well, I'm not going to make it, but maybe I can fake it.  

I don't think I'm being too hard on myself - I think I'm legit struggling, and I'm not used to it, and I don't like it.  And even though things have always come easy to me, I've always worked hard - but working hard just isn't cutting it.  I'm just not able to remember everything, and I get so fucking exhausted.

 

plot twist

 STrange development - instead of just shutting down when I point out issues, my boss has started acting on things.  Seeking out answers, sometimes even requiring changes.

I grew up being told that I'm hypercritical, and I'm sure that I am - but the thing is, that's a really valuable skill to have in many ways.  Need a proofreader?  Need anything done accurately?  I'm your gal.  I see things that other people do not.

Now, the negative side of this is that it can cause me physical pain to see uncorrected errors.  Things like misgendering people or calling the wrong name makes me twitchy and I cannot stop myself from correcting.  People like me aren't trying to always be right, we just do our part to make the world less wrong.  We're not "well, actually"ing ourselves around the world, we're quietly adding Oxford commas and putting books in the library in the correct spot.  

Did my boss realize that she looks good by riding that wave?  I can't think of any other reason she would want to start listening to me.  Maybe she's afraid of an HR complaint, because I have been close.  Maybe she talked about me to her therapist who urged her to be curious rather than so fucking judgmental.  Because I don't complain to complain - I highlight what needs to be improved to make things run better.  And she was trying to push things back on me and I made it clear that NO, as a manager, that's HER job to determine and clarify high level processes. I don't want to get too excited about it but she has been living in the clouds and really not in touch with things actually happening, and she was resistant to learning, and now she's spending some time in the trenches where we're living - and that's progress for her.  

In totally different news, I'm pleased that my utilities are lower again this month.  They spiked 41% when I moved out of the house for three weeks, because they ran the previous heating system (wall heaters and along the floor).  It wasn't cheap putting in a ductless system, but I got good rebates, I got AC, and I'm saving hundreds each year by running it instead of the old system.  So that's some nice validation of my spending. 

I'm starting to panic a little bit about my yard if I want to sell the house in three years.  I am *not* a landscape architect and that shows.  I've been so focused on improving the soil and removing noxious weeds that I haven't really gotten to filling in the space - plus, I'm giving lots of space for things to fill in ... but it takes time to fill in.  So it looks sparse and disorganized.  I just got offered some relatively inexpensive plants and I'm researching and plan to load up on that (literally - last fall it was a full truckload and nearly $900).  I need to start propagating what I already have - a lot of it is great stuff and some of it is doing really great.  Unfortunately, some things didn't survive the winter, so there are spots to fill in.  Not sure why that happened.  Maybe too many things so not enough care and focus.  Plus I have to yell at Friend to stop throwing the dog's ball in the direction of newly planted things - the trampling knocked things out for sure.  I know that three years is a long time and lots of things will grow tremendously, but I really need to put focus on getting the yard filled in in 2025 so that it gets that time.  I'll buy a bunch now on sale (though it's late to plant and I"ll have to nurture them through summer) and then I'll hopefully have time to thoughtfully make final big purchases in fall.  I could hire a landscape architect but ... cost, hassle, etc.  I don't seem to communicate my vision well and I've not ever been pleased with plans I've gotten.  Maybe I should try again, I just haven't gotten there yet.  In the meantime, I'm getting a Pacific wax myrtle which will stand out as different but I really like them.  And I'm going to put it to grow in a place to block the intense morning light that hits me where I'm sitting right now.  And I'll keep looking through the list for other plants that can handle summer drought once established.  Though there are a few spots I'm willing to keep watered, such as near my backdoor and patio - I'll water for things like columbine and mock orange.  I am just uninterested in watering the whole huge lot, and I already have some large native trees that demand no additional watering, so I need to fill in that area with other things like that.  

OK, I worked about 12 hours yesterday trying to catch up on things and I fear it's going to be several long busy weeks.  I need to shift into Highly Productive Mode.  No more time for musings and wonderings - it's nose to the grindstone time. 

talk story

 Today I was chatting with a woman who told me she weighed over 300 pounds.  Another person offered us snacks while we waited and i declined because sugar in the bars.  And it got us talking, and she mentioned the massive weight loss.  She's now quite thin, and I'm curious, but unfortunately our conversations always get interrupted.  

She is very unpopular, and she is an odd duck, but I find her very receptive to feedback so we're fine.  I do want to hear about this journey.  She said she had surgery and then she started to say more but we got interrupted.  

I'm not over 300 pounds and I don't have a huge amount of weight to lose.  I think another 40 pounds or so would be good.  

But I'm interested to hear the story, and to show enough respect to hear it all.

a little progress

 Praise be, I feel better today.  Like I'll survive, live to fight another day.

Was it the enchilada casserole I made last night?  It did stick to my ribs.  It wasn't great and I gave most away, but it did satisfy.  And I'm always proud of myself when I use up cupboard food (half a bag of black coco beans bought locally and a Costco jar of green chilis).  

One thing I want to work on is portion size.  How much do I really need to eat to not be hungry - that is the question, and a big key to obesity crisis.  

Not to curse it, but my sugar addiction is definitely abated now.  I have recently been offered a number of things with sugar and/or white flour and I have politely declined.  No big deal, it didn't spark massive cravings.  That's real progress right there for me.  I do still have a square of very dark chocolate from time to time, and some homemade jam every few days, and I'll sometimes make low-sugar desserts to use up fruit in my pantry, but sugar is not ruling my life, like at all.  I was at an event where coffee and scones were served, and I went back afterwards to get some coffee and it was all gone, so I grabbed a scone, then broke off about two bites worth.  It was not good, and I didn't enjoy even those two bites.  Friend from Grad School was talking about her family cutting back sugar, but when we drilled down it was clear they're still consuming a lot of "hidden" sugar.  She doesn't have the bandwidth to do anything besides cut back on desserts, and that's fine.  She and her eldest are recognizing the ill effects on them from desserts.  I had to go hard core cold turkey though, removing everything with even a trace, to get "clean."  So that's progress.  

somaticizing

 Lawdy, I have sure tried to trick my brain and I am unsuccessful.  I can walk through all my escape plans, tell myself I'm not here forever, but I'm right back to trying to gnaw my leg off to get out of the trap.  I'm sick and the only thing I can think of is how much I hate my job and being in this town.  

AND NONE OF IT IS THAT BAD.  But I get this way.  I spent the first 17 years on the same island, I've spent the next 40 trying to never be stuck.  Not in relationships, not in jobs, not in houses, not at all.  

FREEDOM.  That's the only language I speak.  

And so when the courts are disregarded and there is no plan to return Kilmar Abrego Garcia, I want to vomit.  Every fiber of my being screams out for him.  This is the end of civilization, to allow this tyranny.  

It is past time to rise up, y'all. 

nemeses

 So I went to the Friend From Grad School's house for the compost and ... it was weedy AF.  I did not want to introduce those to my garden beds - I've got my own weeds.  So we pulled out the weeds (though I know there are still weed seeds in it) and asked if she wanted it moved.  She had ordered too much about two years ago and has been feeling really overwhelmed by it.  So we made plans, but immediate short-term, like "I am here and will do this with you right now" plans.  Not the long-range one that she started on, with the where she might move the asparagus in two years and where she might put in peas, etc.  Right now.  

And we went to town and moved that mountain in maybe 40 minutes.  She kept getting distracted, as she does, and I kept redirecting her.  

When we finished I could visibly see that she seemed lighter, and she texted thanking me so much for helping her slay her nemesis.  That huge pile of compost has been a barrier to all sorts of things for her, like stopping her from gardening because she told herself she needed to deal with the compost pile first.  

I don't know why her husband and kids didn't help her, but that doesn't matter.  I could show up for her and remove that obstacle. 

So many times people have done that for me, and I enjoy doing it for others.  You have a laundry room so out of control that you are buying clothes to avoid facing it?  I've got it.  I love doing laundry and setting up organizational systems.  Need to feed your kids?  I'll make a lasagna for ya and a salad.  Need mildew located?  I don't know anyone with a nose as good as mine for mold.  I'll scrub floors, walk dogs, fix dishwashers, move people to a new home, and I have hauled dirt for more friends than I can count.  I like being helpful but ESPECIALLY when it's a nemesis, an obstacle.  

And so maybe THAT is what I do after I quit my job - I visit friends around the world and help tackle their nemeses.  That pile of something that just seems insurmountable.   Then I relax a bit, and then move on to somebody else's nemesis.  

I like this plan a lot.  

Maybe it can get me through the next three years without being fired. 

calculations

 I am on track to spend slightly more on food than food stamps provides.  Max food stamp benefit for one person is $292/month, and I've spent $309 the past 29 days.  That includes stocking up on some things like coffee.  That $309 total includes eating out, which wouldn't be included in food stamps but I wanted to know exactly how much I spent on food in total.  I haven't yet done the close detail analysis of how much to each category (produce, dairy, beverages, etc.) - I want a few months of data to get averages for that. 

Learning that once I strip out all the non-food items from what I'd been categorizing in my budget as food because I buy it with food - cleaning, detergent, dog - that I'm not living an extravagant lifestyle after all.   If I needed to be even lower, I could go back to like college days, when cheese was a big luxury and I didn't eat meat.  But I wouldn't want to ramp up on pasta like I did back then.  

I think that I'm at as frugal as I can go without sacrificing things that matter to me, like being able to use my dishwasher and feed my dog.  My heat has been turned off for days even though it's getting down to 30s at night because the sun in the daytime warms it up (it's 62 in my house right now which is plenty warm).  I'm keeping my truck with costs including insurance ($19.50/months), registration ($5.25/month), gas (about $30/month), and oil change ($10/month) - so that's about $65/month for the thing which is allowing me to have freedom to get free dirt, borrow large equipment, get free futon, do a trash run, etc.  That's definitely a luxury but I like it and don't want to give it up - mostly because I still do not want my dog in my "new" car.  I'm maximizing free garden things - enjoying free starts and seeds, etc.  And I of course do not want to give up my house and yard after making it just right for dog and me for the next few years - housing is by far my largest expense - just mortgage with utilities is 73% (I do not count special projects - like renovation of kitchen/bathroom or even patio - in my budget because those expenses are saved and accounted for differently, and because at least in theory I'll get 100% ROI when I sell the house).    (I'm also not counting extra mortgage payments in the budget.)  

OK, off to free compost.  

+0.6

 Back up in weight to where I was two weeks ago.  Not that surprising - I've been eating toast and brie daily.  If I eat much bread, I don't lose weight.  

Need to get back in gear with all vegetable focus. 

physical labor

 I did some manual labor today and it helped but isn't enough.  I'm tired though, very tired.  Hauling dirt takes it out of me.  But, I got enough to start the first layer of the new garden beds.  Tomorrow I plan to go to a different friend's house to grab a truckful of compost she had delivered and isn't going to use.  Then I'll get another load of soil from the first friend, mix it all together, call it good.  Then I'll be ready to plant, at least in theory, though probably not for a couple of weeks to ensure no more nights in the 30s.  That's ok, it can sit.  

***

Upon realizing how tired i was I went to bed, and slept almost 10 hours.  Woke up once or twice because of light (I hadn't closed the blackout curtains because I was so tired) and noise (people cheering for something), but right back to sleep.  I think I tried to listen to a six-minute Calm app talk with Jay Shetty but only made it a minute.  So tired.  And I will gladly be so tired over unable to sleep any day!  This is good!  

Today's plans involve walking the dog sooner than later, stopping at my favorite shop for a few more groceries, getting a load of compost and hauling that, cleaning, laundry (oh, if I want laundry on the line, I should do that earlier), cook (quinoa salad for sure, not 100% what else), setting up slug traps.  A wholly reasonable list.  Maybe reading some.  

I was reading a book that I thought was about accepting one's own neurodivergence and advocating for oneself, but is instead a not very compelling tome to others urging them to not discriminate, that it's actually not so bad to have neurodivergent people in the workforce.  That's depressing and made me rethink getting diagnosed - plus a letter in the NYT where the "expert" urged firing someone who other found rude.  Oof.  No, thank you.  I thought a diagnosis could be protection but it could be a liability, so I guess I'll keep masking.  Not very well, but I'll stumble along.  

After quitting this job in no less than two years, 11 months, and eight days, I just don't really want to work at a job anymore.  Or at least not any kind of high-stress job.  I toy with less expensive towns where dear friends are such as St. Louis or even back to New Orleans, where my ardent savings can get me through, but I'm thinking I need to look abroad, for really less expensive.  Especially in terms of healthcare because health insurance is expensive AF in the US, and I'm not thrilled about the quality and accessibility.  I could go somewhere else, to another country, find an intentional community I like, something ecologically sound to support and help build, and stay at least until 65 when I will get Medicare and pensions.  Live off my liquid savings, maybe some gig to help pay the bills, and not touch my housing fund (from when I sell my house) or my retirement accounts - so I would be ok financially when I'm older.  Maybe a few different places - I don't have to stay in one place for five years.  I have a good friend in the Galapagos I can start with - she is almost brutal in her demand of la pura vida.  She does not tolerate stress, etc. and she is very forceful about physical activity.  She would be a good person to force me to transition to a different way of living.  Plus the Galapagos are fucking magical, I do love it there.  And there, like many places, has healthier food - where ultraprocessed foods are really expensive and people eat what is farmed and fished (she has family on farms as well as in major towns).   I also have a friend whose family owns a house in Transylvania that they let friends stay at when they're working abroad - I could stay there for awhile.  A month in Australia, a month in New Zealand, a few weeks in France, a couple weeks in London, some time in Ireland, back to West Africa - once I start thinking of all the friends I want to visit, it fills retirement time for sure.  It's not cheap to travel, but I would untether myself from the United States, selling off house and car and most belongings (hopefully can stash the important things with friends to not pay for storage), so it would be more affordable - and it would be about spending time with people, not fancy or expensive adventures.

Any time I've just followed the wind, gotten in cars with strangers, I've had magical experiences. I miss that.  

OK, so the plan is:

• continue to be very frugal, save as much as I can
• don't get fired so that I can continue to save up
• get the house into the best shape possible for sale in approximately three years - which means putting in more plants to fill in the yards, getting the patio done, and all those little things
• get myself in the best shape possible re: health
• in about two years, start really looking into international places I want to go and be; start to visit if possible
• give my dog all the love I can for as long as she lives  
  
• quit my job in two years, eleven months, and eight days, or whenever the dog dies, whichever comes later 

 OK, this helps me feel less like i need to gnaw my leg off to free myself from the trap.  I have an exit strategy in a reasonable time. 

I miss crackers

 I realized yesterday at the mainstream supermarket - where I rarely shop except for sparkling water when on sale - is how much I miss crackers.  And corn chips. 

So, fuck it, i went to Trader Joe's and got some.  the Wheat Thins had too much sugar and TJ's similar crackers taste better with less sugar.  I'm not going to totally 100% avoid ultraprocessed foods, but I want to be thoughtful about when I eat it.  and I decided to make a frito pie with the black beans and enchilada sauce, so I got TJ's Frito knock off which taste better to me, are less expensive, and I really enjoy it with cottage cheese.  So, that's breakfast.

I'm dipping my toe into the pool of mainstream American eating and I want to be careful - but if after many months I'm still wanting some crackers or corn chips, it seems that it's ok to get them while I'm picking up Persian cucumbers.  I need to be really careful with Trader Joe's though and no impulse purchases.  NOthing that's not on my list unless (a) I forgot to put it on my list but meant to, like potatoes for green borscht, or (b) it's healthy and I will use it, like parsley.  

free free free free or cheap

 I actually enjoy frugality.  When the option to buy is removed, it makes me more creative.

Example.  I want to put in three more garden beds - an area for pole beans, and a row for tomatoes, and a row for cabbage.  Friend has huge garden beds she is wanting to replace so she has been bemoaning how she will have to move all the dirt out.  I offered to come get some.  She agreed.  A little less for her to move, a little less for me to spend money on.  And next week has a free compost giveaway, so I'll be there first thing.  I'll take a full cubic yard - use what I can now, stash the rest for later.  I'll always need more compost.  And because I don't build beds, I just pile dirt on the ground and surround with woodchips, these are free.  And I'm putting free tomatoes in them.  

Boom.  Winning. 

Even the budget church farmstand out the road that has good prices is charging $4 PER START (at the farmers market it was $5/start).  I know seeds are spending but I'm putting in about 12 cabbage plants from seed - it's four different types.  OK, so that means I spent about $16 on seeds, but those seeds will last me a few years and I bought half of them last year, and compare that $16 which breaks down to about $4/year, as opposed to $48 per year if i bought starts.  I reuse the pots, I bought the potting soil in bulk so it's very inexpensive, etc. 

Also ... if I'm paying $4 per start, is it that much cheaper than just buying the cabbage in the store?  Like, I get it for tomatoes, which produce pounds and pounds over months, but cabbages aren't a cut and come back thing.  Garden math. 

This weekend a book fair is walking distance from my house so I'll cruise by and see if there's anything I want to buy for $1.  I'm still not reading regularly.  Sometimes I start and get excited but then I lose interest so quickly.  I wish I understood what changed in my brain.  Is it the struggles with my eyes focusing?  Screens?  

I've been really hungry lately, probably because I didn't plan well enough after Wednesday for meals and starting relying just on whole grain sourdough toast with brie.  Tasty but not the most nutritious thing I can eat.  I'll do better.  Going through my cupboards, I see green enchilada sauce I'll use with something.  Got some black beans soaking to cook up to use with it - they're large and different from other black beans, grown locally.  They weren't my favorite when I canned them up but I think they'll be good cooked on their own so I can pay attention to when they're cooked properly and seasoned well.  I so love weekends for being able to do these things like cook beans.  In contrast I am SO grumpy at work.  My boss was on my last nerve with some bullshit and I was terse at best.  I'm trying hard to not cross a line and get a valid HR complaint against me.  I think I just feel so trapped, this unseasoned hellscape, and I am like a wild animal in a trap, thrashing about, ready to bite off my leg to get free. 

The good news is that physically I do feel better in some ways.  I am consistently bicycling when I have to go to the office and logistically can do it (not needing my car for something else).  A friend is coming by this weekend and I suggested we go to the book fair nearby, and am remembering another time she asked if I wanted to go to something in the same location and I was barely able to walk I was in such pain.  We had discussed strawberry picking in the past and I had to decline for pain and knowing it would knock me out for days.  So this is better from a year or two ago.  But my mental state is not better and i thought that would follow.  I am so unhappy here with these people, except for my friends, and even them I prefer in small doses.  It's so silly in broad view - my life seems like it should be so satisfying and happy, what do I even have to complain about?  I guess I just really hate jobs.  If I had any entrepreneurial spirit of any kind, that's where I should go, but I just don't understand that at all.  Maybe I need to figure it out. 

So while I refuse pharmaceuticals for my bad attitude, I've decided to start dosing my dog with CBD each day.  She is so quick to rage and maybe it'll take the edge off.  She's got a flatter affect and she just wants to snack all the time.  Yesterday my tree trimming guy came by to get some tomatoes and wanted to see her, and he is such a dog person and the first time they met she was so excited and happy, and she can't even fake it now.  She just kept telling me and then him to get the treats off the table that I'd brought out in case I needed to redirect her, and give them to her, and to stop pretending we're stupid.  She doesn't give a fuck about anybody but me and she's done pretending, and I guess I don't really give a fuck about anybody but her.  I suppose this isn't healthy, but it is what it is.  

The weather is expected to be dry for the next few days so a good time to get this dirt hauling and other yard tasks done.  I'm itching to get more plants in the ground but it's still into the 30s at night so def too early for tomatoes.     

A coworker mentioned that she and her husband sell shoes on-line, and i thought what a great gig that is.  I definitely need something like that.  I mean, not that because I don't know shit about shoes, but something like that.  I need to figure out another income stream to get me closer to my goals.  There just doesn't seem to be much more fat to cut from my budget.  

OK things to focus on today to make me happy.  I will make tasty food.  The sourdough with the new flour looks really good.  Seeing a friend.  Setting up more garden.  Oh - this is a big one for me - I was able to finish off flour containers and wash them and today when fully dry I will be able to put the new flour into the containers.  I have no idea why, but emptying containers gives me SUCH a sense of satisfaction.  I need a job that just has me doing that all the time, I guess.  I had like 10 pounds of rye flour that somebody gave me for free because somebody had given her a huge bag for free, and I used it up finally after like two years, and the jar is washed.  I wonder what it is that I find so incredibly satisfying about that and could translate it to other things.  

I zero inboxed yesterday for work but that's not that rewarding.  I'm trying though.  

OK, time to go get some groceries to make some food to nourish myself.  I have a lot of plans for this weekend, we'll see which ones happen.  Even if I only do a few, it'll be fine. 

how i love finishing projects

 Unfortunately, all my plans to do at lunchtime fell through.  Of course I didn't get a lunch break.  I never do.  And then someone no-showed a meeting which really pissed me off.  Of course she doesn't want to meet with me - I have to tell her hard things.  But she can't hide from me, I will find her and she will have to be accountable.

But tonight, I partially completed a project.  I hung a shelving thing behind my toilet, and it was really fucking hard to get up, and of course it's crooked.  I could adjust somewhat but it's crooked and I'll live with it.  But what I didn't do and I'm kicking myself for is that I didn't screw in all the screws.  I was afraid that I was mispositioning something, so I wanted to just put in one screw and then come back to finish.  Well, dissassembling it to get that done was harder than I'd considered, and then just as I was putting in the screws finally, I dropped one and I can't find it at all.  So, that's weird.  My crooked screwless cabinet.  Oh well.  It works.  

One that was great news today - a bill from the vet.  The vet I saw a year ago was pretty awful and my dog made attempts to bite her and got her at least once.  It was not a good situation.  At all.  They lied about various things from back entrances to being reactivity-informed.  But one good thing I can now say about her is she extended the heartworm meds for 6 months.  So I ordered those before she changed her mind, and now I don't need to find a vet for another six months.  Today I gave the dog a CBD treat and I think I'm going to start doing it daily.  Yes this is all money I'd rather not spend but she's an old lady and let's age with grace.   

**

Seems like a really struggle with hitting the "publish" button.  So, another day.  I'm not giving up this day on living my life - I *will* make soup for lunch and start sourdough.  I so very rarely use time during the at-home workday for anything personal; am much more likely to use my personal time for yet another email, etc.  First thing this morning I started the beans canning, all I have to do now is listen for the beep in half an hour or so to close the lid.  I'm very excited that for the sourdough I finally get to open up the bag of locally milled whole wheat flour that I bought in like November; that was a good lesson in not buying things too soon.  Next time I won't get at a big event - I'll go to the mill when I'm about out and probably package it up sooner into jars.  

Another important lesson: on the weekends I absolutely have to be planned and prepared for mid-week meals.  I cannot assume that I will have the bandwidth to figure that out during the week.  I've been eating brie on toast the past couple of nights for dinner, which would be better for me with a vegetable dish that I just haven't figured out yet.  What am I going to do with the sorrel?  I don't know.  I need to figure it out.  What about the cabbage?  Figure it out.  Maybe okonomiyaki but that takes a fair bit of preparation that I'm not up for most nights.  So yeah, have a plan, have ingredients, pre-prepare ingredients when possible.  That's Sunday plans for every week that needs to be a non-negotiable.  It can be another anchoring activity like making sourdough and yogurt, doing laundry.  

Another big task for this weekend is to get more garden soil and put in another couple of vegetable beds.  It seems like no matter how much growing space I have, I always want more.  But I do want to put up more vegetables in the freezer this year, to reduce my food dollar throughout the year. 

For some reason I seem to have turned my nose up at tomatoes of late.  Not sure if that's intentional because of a mild nightshade allergy or acid reflux that I haven't noticed, or if it just happened.  With so many tomatoes in my cupboard it may be worth figuring out.  A friend is coming over this weekend and we always do a food exchange - I'll give her all my persimmon pulp because her mother wants it and I do not, and various other things.  We've been doing this food sharing since we were in grad school 20 years ago in New Orleans.  Her kids LOVED the cherry jam I made and didn't much care for, and I'll probably pass on my last blackberry jam because I don't love it and berry season is coming up.  Just finished a jar of pickled cauliflower she gave me, maybe I'll give her the pickled okra I made before moving here and just don't love anymore (perhaps the heartbreak of leaving the South).  

I have a very full day of work to do, and I will hyperfocus as I do.  But then I want to turn my brain off and dig into living life - the hauling dirt, the shaping sourdough, the food sharing.  The cleaning, the laundry, the little projects, the digging out noxious weeds, the tending to the tomatoes (sharing with my tree trimmer who is trying to get dry farming going; maybe he'll get to see the dog today - last time he was over, she was too amped up).  

OK, hitting publish, starting this workday.  I need to get so much done, and then I'll feel solid going into the weekend without having to do employment work.