sick day

 I'm amping myself to call in sick tomorrow.  I'm making a long list of projects to do, but mostly I just need to rest and recover from some stressful things.  The stressful thing was supposed to continue until tomorrow, but it finished early today, so I am free free free.  Unfortunately I have to work on Friday, but it's ok.  

**

OK, called in sick.  Well, emailed in.  

I'm so fried I'm having difficulty finishing a thought.  

I started a batch of sourdough so I'll need to stay on top of that and those steps.  I should water the garden and do other things but mostly I just need to let my brain shift out of panic mode.  My next two work days don't currently appear onerous so maybe I could not kill myself with long days for a beat.  And so I don't have to do every single thing on my to-do list today.  Sure, I'd like to clean the bathroom and change and launder the couch covers and caulk and build a screen and prune berries and clean gutters and on and on and on but I don't have to do all those things today.  Today I need to rest and recover.  I even have enough leftovers in the fridge that I don't have to cook if I don't want to.  

Just went out for more blackberries.  The season is winding down though there are still plenty today - maybe another quart or so.  I think I'll keep them for fresh eating over the next few days.  I've been grazing a lot of blackberries but it's nice to also just have enough for eating with yogurt or such things.  I need to make some yogurt again soon.  

also just picked cucumbers and they aren't as flavorful as I recall but they are not bitter.  I think they just need some acid to make them sing.  I intend to start fermenting them soon but I'd like a quart jar full for that.  I'm thinking it'll be easiest to store what I picked today and then when I pick more tomorrow and this weekend I'll have enough for a full jar.  It's usually every other day picking, but sometimes when I check the next day I see that I missed some.  I have two plants rolling now.  No zucchini to harvest today thank goodness because yesterday was about eight of them, most given away.  Picked a few more tomatoes; I picked them when red but not quite fully ripe and then ripen the rest of the way on the counter - cuts down on pests or other issues and there is no taste advantage to keeping on the vine the whole time.  

**

Back to work on Friday.  For breakfast I cut a slice of the sourdough that I baked yesterday and ate it with some cheese, and it is SO. GOOD.  Soft and nice texture and all that.  I don't bake for big holes or anything prestigious, I just want something tasty.  I've been adding hemp hearts for a beat and they are great with softening it up.  The main ingredients are flour, water, salt.  That's it.  But I add rye flour and oats usually, sometimes other things too.  Like when I had a grinder, I used to grind up millet or rice or whatever grain I had lying around and toss that in.  My sourdough starter is vigorous even when neglected.  

I also have a load of laundry running (couch covers), which I'll hang up between meetings.  And on my lunch break I intend to bicycle to the grocery store to pick up some sale items.  

I will make this a good days, no matter what happens in my first meeting which is very stressful and my bosses provided absolutely no support for despite my request.  As always, I'm alone.  And yet they ask more and more and more of me.  No thank you.   

season of zucchini

 Zucchini is coming in gangbusters, as it does.  I dropped off about six yesterday at the little free refrigerator and still had six in my fridge to use up, after using others recently.  I had sauteed zucchini and some tomato, which the first day I ate with white beans, and then yesterday I cooked a bit of pasta to eat it with and also some parmesan.  There's another meal there.  And last night I baked the lentil shepherds pie that I'd made over the weekend, into which I'd tossed a medium-large zucchini shredded in. 

Next up is roasting it.  I woke up too early today and so just did some kitchen chores, including chopping the zucchini and seasoning it so it's ready to cook in the oven with some chicken sausages.  

Yes, I'll probably get sick of zucchini sooner than later, but for now it's fun to think of all these different ways to eat it.  It does seem to be a bit of an appetite suppressant, so that's a nice bonus.

I'm exhausted and work is very hard today.  Dreading it. 

But first I'll go out and pick blackberries, clean them, freeze them.  Be to the office by 8, do a lot of hard work, then come home for lunch and then on to even harder work.  This job takes such a toll on me and my boss is awful.  I would leave this job in a heartbeat if I could.  

OK, off to outside.   

9 hours

When I got up this morning and glanced at the kitchen clock, I was surprised it was 7:30.  I don't usually sleep that late anymore - even if I stay awake too late, I'm awake way too early. Too many 4 am wake-ups.  

So what a glorious sleep, probably about nine hours.   

And now I see it's only supposed to get up to 80 degrees today, and it's a bit overcast now, so I should get out and enjoy this weather!  first off is to pick blackberries - they are getting so good now.  But it involves a bit of digging in and then I'm itchy afterwards, so I want to pick in the morning before the shower instead of in the evening before bed.  I have a long-sleeved shirt that I have to don when I pick tomatoes (I'm so allergic to the tomato plants) that I'll use for blackberries as well.  I'm not sure how much longer the blackberries will produce - I'm seeing more berries so it could be a few more weeks but probably not so much (about half a gallon a day recently).  

I pulled up the peas yesterday.  I always feel so bad pulling out plants that aren't completely spent, but it was time and I was grateful as always and then chopped them up into the compost pile.  I first picked a few more to graze on fresh.  I'm planning to develop a heap of ways to eat zucchini, hopefully.  I picked up more tofu at Costco last night - not sure why but I really like their tofu - it's extra firm and organic, and I like the taste and texture better than some others.  Plus it's so cheap, like less than $1.40/pound.  I'm going to can up some more white beans, too, as I'd used up the last of those in kale soup (so good, one of my favorite foods).  I also picked up sweet potatoes at Costco because they sounded so good, haven't had them in awhile.  They're such a good base food (instead of rice, etc.).  I love love love roasted sweet potatoes, and I may make a low-sugar pie with them.  They don't grow great here - they require plastic to warm the soil, and other measures to try to extend our short growing season - and I'm just too lazy a gardener to want to do that.  They were so amazing for me in Louisiana and if I ever return there, I'll grow them and enjoy them again there.  But while I'm here, I'll enjoy the things that grow well here. 

Oh, and I offered to help Friend move things out of her yard - she needs a dump run and a run to yard waste, as she rebuilt her garden beds.  Today will be a good day to do that, just not a good day to try to do that from my yard, since the traffic in my neighborhood now is so congested.  That's fine.  A coworker may park in my driveway today and I went and got some free tickets to the event.  I'd love to meet her kids, they sound great.  

I am at this moment really liking my return to plan to go back to school in two years.  It gives me a clear off-ramp to my job (last day would be less than two years from now) that doesn't require me watching my dog like a vulture.  Plus, it would give me an opportunity to see if this is a place where I could stay.  It's been very clear to me that I do not want to stay here while working my job - I see the worst in people and have not made many friends in part because I'm so fiercely private.  But if I'm in school I may make friends that way, I usually do, and also I'd have time for more volunteering and other community events.  I - at least in theory - wouldn't be so completely spent and have no more energy for people.  Worst case scenario I don't like it and I quit.  I've certainly done that many times before.  But the university culture is not a bad one - I drove through there yesterday on an errand.  There would be health insurance and a gym, for starters.  (Though I don't know that I ever really used the gym when I was an undergrad there 35 years ago - one issue is that it's up a hill that isn't fun for me on a bike.)  I love the library and there are spots to sit and read, chat, etc.  When I was briefly a grad student there (before quitting because I didn't enjoy that study topic), we partied hard.  Obviously I'm a quite different person now than I was more than three decades ago, but this was the one university that I could stick around long enough to get a bachelors degree.  Since then I've earned two more advanced degrees, and started two others then quit.  But I did learn a lot from them (such as about food culture, and organization theory and policy) which could apply to studies here.  

What i hope is that I haven't too permanently wired my brain to be anxious because of my very stressful job now.  What I would really want is to decompress and enjoy things again.  To de-adrenalize myself.  I never found school to be stressful, it's always been something that comes easily to me, and if I'm a graduate employee I would likely be teaching which has also usually been easy for me and I certainly have a lot of experience with it.  Can I fall back into former healthy patterns?  That's the hope.  But if school is stressful that's not what I want to do.  If I really REALLY like it, maybe I'd want to continue on with a PhD.  That sounds ridiculous to me, to finish a PhD when in my mid-60s, but who knows.  

The reason I want to early retire is because my job is so incredibly stressful to me that it's harming my health.  If i were to be doing work that is enjoyable and NOT so stressful, and allows for other interests and activities such as travel and volunteering, then I'd like to keep working as long as I can.  I just do not see any possibility for that kind of job in my current field.  So a reset of earning a masters in a different field, might be what I need.  Anyway, I like having a plan, and I like having a last day in my mind (it would give me over two months of time off before school starts and would also be less than the 60 days required to decide on COBRA so I would be covered by health insurance if necessary but would also be saving money if not).  And I like having things to do in preparation.  I think I already have a thesis idea (related to gardens and climate change) and there is groundwork for me to lay there - recording, reading, relationship-building.  

That's 101 more weeks.  Hopefully I can survive it.  I am encouraged by the doctor telling me that I'm quite healthy, nothing to be concerned about.  

So, for the next two years, I'll try to continue to build on my health (nutrition, sleep, hydration, activity, enjoyment) and survive my job.  

The dog is in one of her cycles of being extremely bonded to me.  She wants to be constantly touching and she's been putting me to bed the past few nights (she'll lay in bed with me as long as she can stand it; she prefers to stay until I fall asleep).  Now she very much wants me to go outside to play with her a bit and so she can watch over me as I work in the yard.  She loves that, it's her happy place to be my yard "helper."  So long as there aren't power tools, she hates that.  But sitting and standing guard as I'm picking berries and whatever else, or escorting me to the compost bin - all those things are where she is happiest.  She was born to be a farm dog but she also loves the comfort of a soft bed.  

Something that I'm a bit upset about is Trader Joe's products changing.  There was a chocolate bar I got there that had less than 5 g of sugar per serving, and I always ate less than a serving because it's very dark chocolate, but it's also not chalky or too dry.  It's good.  Satisfies the chocolate craving without leading to overconsumption.  And they're not longer selling it.  I have examined every other chocolate bar offered and they all have more sugar.  The only exception is mini bars sweetened with allulose, but I don't want artificial sweeteners.  I want small amounts of actual sugar.  So then I remembered that they have dark chocolate covered almonds with similar low sugar per serving.  But despite standing and staring at hte shelves for longer than socially acceptable, they were not there.  So then I went to the aisle with all the chocolates in different containers (chocolate covered raisins, etc.), and they all are higher sugar AND I know that I wouldn't be limited to a small portion.

So, that super bums me out.  The only other bars I've identified that fit my requirement are one type of Tchoo (in dark brown box) and a couple of types of Blue Stripes, which is inconsistent in quality and too easy to eat more of (and frankly, I'm not sure I believe their nutrition facts).  

So i will make some date/cacao/almond energy balls to address that craving for chocolate.  That's on the list for the weekend.   Just started the dishwasher that includes the food processor that I use for those.  (I used it for the dog treats, which I forgot to put sourdough into, their main ingredient.  Yeesh.  The dog still likes them - they've got sardines, pumpkin, peanut butter, oats, and such, so why wouldn't she?  That's what I get for trying to rush with a personal task before a workday.)  

OK, scrubbed down another 1/5 or so of the house - this was the north side, so the dirtiest with mildew and such, and it also required me moving a bunch of woodchips to get to, so the most difficult side.  And it's done, yay.  I have 1.5 more sections in the backyard and another 1.5 sections in the front yard.  Yay for when this is finished ... until next year.  And next I need to repaint trim, so even worse.  But my hope is that I'll be able to keep the siding clean if I do some regular rinse down and spot cleaning, rather than all this scrubbing.  One can hope. 

 **

Happy Sunday.  We skipped the walk today for the first time in many months, but I was underslept.  Couldn't sleep until after midnight and was awake just after 5 because it was chilly.  I did play in the backyard with the dog a bit, and tbh she's dragging a bit. And I just gave her an empty peanut butter jar to clean.  I don't think she's actually too upset about not walking today.  

Then I spent about two hours watering just the backyard.  Deep watering takes time, yo.  I gave the berries a lot of water and even watered the beans I've been trying to sort of dry farm, and even the dogwood which is now a tree.  Someone gave it to me for free a couple of years ago and it's thriving.  And I even watered the rhubarb which is MASSIVE.  I did not water the tomatoes or the feijoa, though I was tempted to.  Water for almost everyone.  

There is a feast of fruit out there right now.  Just realized the apricots were ripe and the various wildlife even left me four, which was quite nice of them.  Usually they eat them all.  I didn't even know I had an apricot tree until last year.  The purple plums are pretty good now for fresh eating.  Still slightly tart but not exceedingly so.  The green plums are nearing ripeness.  The pears are banging, sooooo many.  I saw the grapes starting to just turn purple.  and the blackberries are still coming in strong.  I think I'll start freezing them in pint bags, to use for baking in the winter.  

Oh, speaking of that ... there is a German plum dessert that I adored when I lived there.  Maybe I could make that today with the purple plums.  Just have to remember what it was like.  It was a Pflaumkuchen of some sort.  

But mostly today I want to start cooking vegetables.  Green beans for lunch with some chicken sausage, zucchini and white beans and tomato for dinner in a configuration I haven't yet figured out, with leftovers.  I really want to expand my repertoire of these things to easily access.  I'll also plan later this week to make a zucchini-black beans-rice dish I like - the peppers I picked will be great.   I might also make lentil shepherds pie today and then have it ready to bake later this week.  

Scale says I lost 1.4 pounds this week, but I forgot to weigh in at normal time so it's probably not valid.  It's weird that I weigh less after eating, but it is what it is.   

This is like the stupidest thing but I think it's probably important to me - since maximizing my water consumption, my joints hurt much less.  By maximize I don't mean like an influencer - I just mean like about 64 oz of water drunk throughout the day.  I keep two quart mason jars in the fridge of filtered water, easy peasy.  I do still have a hard time drinking away from home even when I carry water, but at least at home I'm drinking.  And I think that has improved my synovial fluid significantly.  I usually have been underhydrated, and the past years have been relying more heavily on carbonated water such as La Croix to satisfy thirst.  But by focusing on just plain water, I see a significant difference.  I realized it when I was at the doctor and said, actually the joint pain isn't as bad as it used to be, now my concern is the fatigue that can be so deep and turn to pain.  Well, I think the water and the healthy eating.  

I picked a bunch of plums for the pflaumkuchen but they're a bit underripe; I read that they can ripen on the countertop, so that's something to look forward to.  

I got some free tickets to the nearby event, and I was going to give them to my coworker but htat didn't work out.  I tried to give away on Buy Nothing, but the person who said they'd come right away and asked for my address after I'd taped them to the garage and then said no never mind they'd come tomorrow - that skeeved me out.  I don't give my address until the arrangement is made because I don't want people knocking on my door or miscommunication (I've had one person take things for another person, etc.).  It annoyed me.  So this morning I offered to someone else but she couldn't commit.  So I just wanted out to my driveway and approached the first people I saw that I liked, a young-ish mother and 7-year-old-ish boy.  It totally made their day.  

OK, the chicken and green beans was super easy and tasty.  I could have eaten with a carb, but I'll have a piece of toast later, maybe with jam for dessert.  Next up I think I'll prep the lentil pie to have that done.  Maybe then some cocoa nut date balls.  That should be enough to run the dishwasher.  

This is a very good day.  Not too hot, but warm enough for laundry on the line, with a light breeze so the air isn't stagnant.  It's almost 2 pm and it's 77 degrees outside officially (mid-80s for my microclimate).  I have such an abundance of food - using up the carrot from my garden in the with the lentils, pull another head of garlic from what's hanging in the garage, realize I have even more zucchini than I remembered so chop some zucchini to cook with white beans, shred some other to add into the lentil pie.  Taste a chopped tomato and realize why people love fresh-from-garden tomatoes, and then chop up all the rest to add in with the lentils.  

I should probably work but I'm not going to - I can work late on the weeknights, since I'll have leftovers to eat and won't have to cook a few days at least.  I do need to do the vacuum and cleaning chores, but I'll get to it when I get to it.   

***

OK, I kept digging into returning to school and realized that I would probably have to be at the university every day, and I'm not sure I want that just to be able to access good medical treatment.  I've gotten so accustomed to not having to leave my house every day and I like that.  I am though today (Monday) planning to be at the office at 8, so I need to keep moving in that direction.  oi

Honestly it wouldn't be the end of the world to have to bicycle the five miles round trip every day or even multiple times per day.  I can push myself outside my comfort zone.

But what I also realized is that there's a lot of things to do without being an enrolled student, and in the time periods in which I've not been employed I leaned into that hard.  I just missed an interesting butterfly walk and wild yard tour and seed saving workshop this past weekend.  I'm absolutely too exhausted now to do much like that, and when I push myself it hasn't ended well.  But if I didn't have such a stressful job, I would have time and energy to do things.  

so, I do still think that returning to school for (another) masters is a good idea that I will continue to consider, especially as an earlier off-ramp since I'd get paid as a graduate assistant and that would mostly cover my bills.  And that sweet sweet student health clinic and insurance would be great.  But I might be able to find other ways. 

I'm reading another book about retirement things and it's just really encouraging to enjoy the early retirement years however I want.  For some people that does mean an advanced degree, or to do endurance activities (not for me), or whatever it may be.  The important thing is to not waste the time because when it's over, that's it.  

And now I walk the yard, probably pick the berries and get ready to start another week of work.   

 

blackberries

 Next summer I will likely be trying to remember when blackberries are ready, and so I'm posting here.  READY.  I've already gathered maybe a couple of gallons (I eat a lot fresh), probably another couple of quarts tonight, and I'm guessing a few more gallons if they keep going good.  They are sometimes picked at - birds?  Maybe.  When fully ripe they're quite sweet but it's not always easy to tell when they're fully ripe. Sometimes I'm wrong.  That's ok, tart berries are good for the jam I intend to make. 

The other thing coming in is zucchini, and alhamdullilah for that.  I cooked peas tonight for dinner and now I'll need to pull the vines - it's too hot for them.  So, it's very nice the zucchini has arrived.  Also I've gotten three tomatoes.  I don't really like tomatoes, but they seem to like me.  I would like to make salsa again this year.  Oh, and I have some peppers though I'm not sure what is what so I probably just need to try.  I mean, of course I recognize the poblanos, but some others aren't quite so easily identifiable and I grabbed a wrong kind.  I'm really hoping that the jalapeno goes bonkers because I love pickled jalapenos.  I usually prefer that to salsa on burritos and the like.  

Beans are starting to show, too.  NOt a lot but I could start picking.  I have three rows of dried beans, too, which I haven't grown before, but i'm trialing them.  One had very low germination rate, but the one that's been locally popular seems to be doing well.  I don't think I'll trial next year - that's taking up quite a bit of space.   

Also with the peas tonight was garlic and shallots from my garden.  The shallots didn't do very well but maybe next time.  They'll still be good eating the little that they are.  

OH, and I see tiny cucumbers, so that's exciting.  Had one, as good as I remember.  I'll ferment a lot more this year.  

My recent seeds aren't really starting which I think is weird.  Maybe very low germination rate.  

I went to the doctor today and was underwhelmed.  Because it's so fucking hard to find a doctor here, I finally broke down and paid for "concierge" care.  It's not really concierge but it was expensive (I think).  And he wasn't helpful.  I mean, he wasn't a jerk, but there wasn't even any kind of exam or anything, we just discussed lab results and he talked about conferences he's been to, much of which wasn't relevant.  

The good thing is that he tested things that I've been blown off about before - like, I wanted to see my fasting insulin.  And it's good.  He says all my numbers look good, nothing of concern.  I said at least twice "just because something is in the generic normal range doesn't mean it's ideal for me specifically" but he didn't get it really.  

I've been to endocrinologists and naturopaths and TCM doctors and acupuncturists and western medical professionals, and I guess I have to accept that I feel shitty.  I mean, I don't really accept it.  What I have to accept is that nobody understands why I feel shitty.  I feel like I have already missed the best years of my life feeling awful.  So what the hell do good cholesterol numbers do for me?  So, I live to 94 but I hurt and am exhausted all the time?  I don't want that. 

The good thing is that I have a plan that I made myself and he thinks it's working.  My reduction of ultraprocessed foods and sugar - it drastically reduced my pain and brain fog.  I can even have it sometimes now without dying.  My focus on better sleep and hydration - it helps a lot.  My next step is activity.  The more I bicycle commute, the better I feel generally - though not if I'm starting out feeling crappy because that can trigger a flare that makes me sick for days.  That's the hard part is knowing how far to push without negative consequences. 

**

And now it's Friday, yay.  It's about 7 am so I'll cruise the yard with the dog and then I think I'll bake some sourdough-sardine-pumpkin-yogurt dog treats as they need time to dry out so I don't like baking them in the evening.  I feel like I'm on top of preparation for next week's events - I still need some time but it's less stressful than a few days ago.  Have to have the weekly staff meeting and one person is falling very far behind because she's been given excessive work tasks unrelated to my work, which I'm annoyed about and keep saying.  I'm supposed to be working two days per week in the office but I don't want to.  I don't like working there, I'm less productive and the energy is uncomfortable.  when I'm home, I get so focused and everything is so quick - just a half minute to go make a cup of tea or reheat lunch to eat over my computer.  Work in the office is much more time-wasty, less efficienty.  Maybe I'll bike in today.  The air quality isn't great right now, which I'm not crazy about exposing myself to.      

The very best news for me is that the bane of my existence last year has not reemerged.  this massive event near my home that goes for days each year involves a lot of people parking in front of my house and hundreds or perhaps even thousands walking directly past my house all day into the night.  People here are generally quiet and some neighbors do a trash patrol each day, so it's no big deal.  Sometimes people walk on my plants but they're mostly not very rude.  But last year, a very rude man parked a truck directly outside my house and played music for hours every day until after 11 pm and it was so loud it made my windows shake.  Earplugs didn't help.  I swear the fillings in my mouth were vibrating.  It was horrible.  I asked him repeatedly to leave; I called the police repeatedly asking them to move him along.  No response.  What really upsets me about that too is that right there a few years ago somebody was shot.  You are having no police presence in an area with thousands of people with a shooting not long ago?  I was so exhausted and worn down with this auditory torture that I wasn't at my best, but after I finally got a good night sleep, I realized I needed to also contact my city councilperson.  She was ON IT.  She was immediately in touch with leadership of the police department and called out a stupid phone queue issue they had (you kept going in a loop, impossible to get to an operator).  So, I was ready to immediately reach out to her this year if this guy returned.  But two night have passed and he hasn't appeared.  There are three days/nights left, and we'll see.  What also super aggravated me was when I asked him to leave and he was being an asshole, so I took photos of his vehicle and license plate to call the police and told him that I'd need to do that since he refused to turn the music down, he said the police wouldn't do anything because he has a cousin in police leadership.  Was that why they didn't respond?  I'd like to think not, that they had higher priorities for the whole week, but ... yeah.  And so to not deal with my new dental crown shattering from the high decibels this year - what a glorious time.  

hot lava

 When I was a kid I remember sometimes playing hot lava, in which the floor is lava that you can't or you'll die, so you have to hop from object to object.  

I'm reminded of that right now because I just mopped the bathroom and kitchen floors, and now I'm trapped in my living room until the floors dry and I can move on to next things.  Next things include cleaning the bathtub and surround and showering, putting in another load of laundry, cleaning appliances.  You know, adult fun. 

I now know why my friend in grad school hired a house cleaner when she graduated and got a great job.  She was so much wiser than us in many ways.  I just feel like this house requires more cleaning than other houses I've lived in so I'm always doing chores.  

I did get three more windows cleaned this morning and I'll put those screens back in later.   I have the sheets and kitchen towels hanging on the laundry line and I'll need to wait until most of that is dry before I do the next load of work clothes and such because both of them are full loads and my laundry line won't hold both.  My laundry line also seems sticky despite cleaning it recently, including rinsing it, so that's weird.  

**

OK, second load of laundry on the line and a bunch of blackberries picked.  Thermometer says it's 92 degrees out there at 2:30 pm, and it frankly feels warmer.  I should have watered this morning.  Oh well.  I'm very sweaty.  

When I saw a bunch of berries, I mean ... maybe a quart and a half.  I'll freeze these so I washed and have them drying a bit.  That's probably 1/3 of what I need for single batch of jam because they have a lot of seeds and firm centers.  I've been eating them fresh, mostly with yogurt, and they're pretty tasty.  When I can wait until they are ready to fall off the vine, they are very sweet.  I'd like to mix them with raspberries for jam, I think ... though just blackberry jam would be quite nice.   

Thank goodness I felt better today than I have for a bit, and got through some things without too much pain.  I didn't cook for the whole week thought I did make the red cabbage and quinoa salad I like, and I have snap peas that I'll cook with high protein pasta and parmesan, and half a green cabbage to saute to eat with potatoes and a chicken sausage.  So that'll work until I get motivation later in the week, hopefully.  

I had an early dinner so then I got hungry again, but my house is one of ingredients, not of prepared food.  And I'd already had a piece of toast so didn't want another, and i'd had yogurt and berries for lunch.  I landed on some cocoa, the warm milk can help me sleep.  

What doesn't help me sleep is reading The Wayfarer.  Good grief.  I'm at a point of abduction and it's upsetting.  I had to flip through a battle scene.   It gets me wide awake, not a bedtime tale.  I have a boring book I can read once I head to bed.  

**

And now it's Tuesday already.  wait, no, Wednesday.  Fuck.  NO idea.  So busy at work.

I'm thinking again about an earlier plan - of quitting my job in April 2028 or soon thereafter and going back to school.  I feel no real call to further my education - god knows I've done way too much schooling in my life - BUT, it would be a way for me to stay here for my dog.  I don't know how long she'll live and I don't want to keep circling her like a vulture because that's my ticket to freedom.  If I get another masters degree, the benefits would be I could get a graduate fellowship to work part-time and get free tuition and a stipend that would just about cover all my living expenses AND I'd get good medical insurance and care with the student clinic.  I very much like student clinics, always had good experiences there.  I could bike to school, it's only two miles away.  I did it for years as an undergrad from Friend's house.  I would get nice vacation time with summers and winters, and a much less stressful life - I know some people find school to be stressful but I never have.  I know it won't come as easily to me as it used to, but I also don't have to be top of the class anymore - I don't care about that.  

I keep trying to talk myself into staying in my current job but I really need to leave as soon as I can - it's just so blindingly stressful and everyone's got Stockholm Syndrome about it.  If I can stay frugal until then, and lucky of course, I'd be able to have saved enough to not fully pay off my house, but to pay off most of it.  I could recast the mortgage and significantly reduce my mortgage payment.  Could I then live off of $2K/month?  I can try.  I could possibly get a roommate or a side gig.  Or I could start tapping into my savings though I'd prefer not to do that. I'd like it to sit untouched for a few years - that's how I can really justify leaving my well-paying job: compound interest.  

And if I hate being back in school and/or my dog dies, I can just drop out, sell the house, and start the next phase of my life.  I've certainly dropped out of school before.  A lot.  

But I do need to start thinking about this now as I'd be starting the application process in just over a year - the deadline for application is like nine months before the start of the school year.  There is only one program that seems suitable for me, having to do with the environment.  Absolutely nothing to do with my current job. 

I spent a bit of time last night looking around for other jobs in my field in this town which are less stressful.  I'd like a part-time flexible gig.  And there's absolutely nothing.  Which has been my experience before when I've searched.  So then I expand the search a bit to things that aren't actually my field, and still - there are not a lot of jobs here.  I've heard this a lot, and now I see it.  And yes, eventually I could do part time things - maybe substitute teaching, fill-in housekeeping staff at wilderness a resort outside town, etc.  But those aren't good things for while the dog's still alive - I need routines for her.  

The other benefit of going to school here is that I'd be able to potentially enjoy life here and see if this is a place where I'd want to stay.  I don't think so but I'm definitely not giving it a good shake now because of my very stressful job and how it isolates me in a foul mood.  

ANYWAY.  I am locating my emergency exits for peace of mind.

But for now, I need to go water because it's supposed to be another hot day, and then it will be another stressful work day.   

another day, another window cleaned

 To be frank, I'm in a very foul mood because of work and other people not doing their jobs and so it all falls on me, and so I have to work long and stressful hours.  And, I had to work hours this Saturday morning during the cool part of the day, so the rest of the time I've mostly been collapsed exhausted on the couch.  Though I did clean a few windows and screens.  Not perfectly I see now that the light is directly hitting them, but it's better than it was and I'll touch up more.  I didn't break any more screens so that's nice.  I had to return the screen kits I'd bought on line because they were too small, and then pick up another.  I set up a work station so maybe I'll do that screen construction sooner than later.  Or maybe not.  

I battled raspberries this morning too, not very successfully.  I'm not sure how to best manage that wild patch while maximizing fruit production.  And then Friend stopped by to help replace siding that had blown off and we did a little bit of siding shifting to cover exposed spots.  I have vinyl siding that has seen better days but I so do not want to pay to replace it because I don't intend to be here more than a few more years. 

Soon an annual event starts up and it's very stressful because people are assholes.  They park everywhere including encroaching on my driveway so it's very hard to get in and out, and they dump trash.  And I have to keep telling people to not set up tables on my property to sell cheap plastic shit, and then last year there was that asshole who blared music SO LOUD for hours every night and the police refused to even show up do anything about it (even though in recent years there was gun violence in that same spot so you'd think they'd want to pay attention).  It was seriously so loud, it was impossible to function. I don't need that fucking stress.  I'm not griping about general noise of people walking around or from the event itself, I'm pissed off about the guy at very decibels from his pickup.  I'm angry just thinking about it.  I really hope he doesn't show up again this year.  Last year when I asked him to stop he was like I don't have to, my cousin is a high-ranking police officer, and that just really pisses me off because my house cost way too much fucking money and I pay almost 5 grand in property taxes each year and I deserve to enjoy it without headaches and inability to sleep for a week out of each year.  

ANYWAY.   

It's Sunday now and I"ll walk the dog then clean some more windows, do laundry, clean the house, hopefully read, cook some cabbage, figure out what else I'm going to eat this week.  When I don't make those plans, my food sucks - yesterday, for example, I ate pre-prepared pasta salad and then Panda Express. I'm sure the scale will not be kind to me today.  OK, yep, it says the same as last week, which is about 35 pounds higher than I'd like it to be.  I need to do better.  I was good for most of the week until yesterday and then one day when I had a small slice of cheesecake when I was so exhausted. 

OK, off to walk the dog.   

where will I land

 As I approach 60 and retirement within the next few years, I keep thinking about where I want to spend my "golden years" and how.  

I contemplate moving abroad; I've lived in numerous different countries across the world.  Ideally I would like a progressive and safe place which aligns with my values and has good healthcare.  Places like Iceland and Uruguay seem possible, maybe New Zealand, though expensive so I'd likely need to figure out how to work in those places.  And I haven't been to them, so I don't know how they feel - obviously I need to visit and if I like it, spend extended time.  Critically important will be to find a community where I feel included.  Like New Orleans or West Africa; not like here.  I don't need a formal commune, but I imagine myself in some kind of ADU (accessory dwelling unit), like a small guesthouse on friends' property.  I don't like having a big house, don't like the responsibility or cleaning or clutter.  

But when I start to do the math, I'm not sure that economically it makes sense.  Medicare is expensive - I think Friend is paying over $700/month.  I expect it'll be closer to $1,000/month by the time I am 65 - if it even exists in its current form.   Why pay that much money to not use it, if I'm living elsewhere?  I sincerely doubt I'd be in a place where i'd 100% certainly not ever want to return to the US, and there are penalties for not paying regularly from age 65.  

Anyway, I guess I need to keep digging into that.  I could have a life of between two worlds but that's not really comfortable for me.  And I can't do any visiting until after the dog dies.   

So I need to focus on what I can do now: get healthier, fitter.  Save money.  Maybe work on my Spanish.   

trash

 So I've started this new thing - we'll see how long it lasts - in which I don't use trash bags.  I have a trash can by my kitchen, but it would take me a month to fill a 5 gallon bag usually.  So anytime I have something that could turn stinky, I just put it in an old produce bag and take it out straightaway.  I tie or clip the bag to the handle right by the sink, and honestly it's been so convenient that I am planning to just start doing this exclusively.  I'm not even putting a bag in the can now (though I will for company or whatever).  I only get trash pickup every other week and it's the smallest possible can, and it's still usually not anywhere near full.  I'm just not creating much trash.  I'm also not creating much recycling - that is a much larger can but I need it picked up not often usually.  

Why? 

Reduce, reuse.  I just finished the last two dried plums from a jar in my fridge.  I dehydrated those two years ago - I know this because last year I got no plums because of aphid pressure.  But the year before that was a massive bumper crop and I dehydrated much more than I readily consume.  I like dried fruit ok but it's not like I eat a lot of it.  I still have a bag and two jars of them in my freezer.  And it appears that my faith in the ecosystem is rewarded - I've seen a lot more ladybugs and dragonflies this year, and there are probably other aphid predators helping, because I see quite a bit of plums now.  And yes, I'll share more.  I think I overestimated how much dried fruit I'd eat.  They are so tasty fresh, really enjoyable.  A lot of them are high up, but I've got ladders, and I'm not above cutting a branch off to harvest.  Got notice that the utility company will come in to cut back some of my trees in the easement, so hopefully I can harvest before then.  I don't remember when they were ripe previously but I think August.  I should look through old blog posts.  

Things that I do not want in a future house: to have a utility easement on my property.  This is the second time in three years that they're demanding access to chop off tree tops.  They're not even close to the electrical line.  But maybe this time I can at least get the woodchips left behind - last time they wouldn't do that because they said they promised to someone else.  Boo.  I want my own trees' chips, please.  Seems like useless waste but it's a precious commodity to me.  

Same with Friend's dressing jars.  She sure likes the locally made salad dressing, and she saves me the jars - the labels come off easily and standard size canning lids fit the jars.  They've been perfect for storage and for canning jams and such.  I might not want to use them for long pressure canning, but they've been great for these tasks.  

Another thing I can a lot of is beans.  I started when I lived a remote place where canned beans were expensive because of freight, and I keep doing it because I like the lack of salt and can liner.  I can use a Mason jar indefinitely, so why not?  I just used up the last of my white beans, time to can some more.  this kale white bean soup is one of my very favorite things to eat, especially with a thin slice of homemade whole grain sourdough toasted with KerryGold butter.  That was a good lunch.

And yes, I'm working today, but I took a lunch break and now I'm taking a coffee break because the assistant manager canceled our appointment at this time, which I find annoying.  

It's hot outside so I don't want to be out there.  Before it got hot though, i cleaned off the gutter and downspout on the south side of my house.  A lot of up and down the ladder, but worth it to do that bit.  I just need to do these tasks bit by bit.  

Saw my first real courgette today.  No idea why I think of it as a courgette instead of zucchini, perhaps because it's variegated.  I was going to give it one more day to get a bit bigger.  The plant with all the flowers and little fruits is disappointing so far, but maybe because it was first it wasn't fully pollinated but will be going forward.  I have heaps of bees.  So, that's all quite exciting.  

For dinner I made lentils with squash but I think my squash is freezer burned and that's why I don't care for it.  Nothing inherently wrong with freezing it, just need to be more thoughtful about it perhaps.  

what a glorious day it was to not be busy at work.  Usually it's 9 hours of intense exhausting concentration, with a gazillion different people clamoring for my attention.  But not today.  Today I only worked maybe 6.5 hours because of taking a lunch break to make lunch and such.  That was so nice to be able to do that.  It probably won't happen again until maybe November.  August and September are shaping up to be super busy, ugh.  

**

JFC, I work only 6.5 hours one day and then the next I have to work more than 12 hours, and that's what the foreseeable future looks like.  Fuck. Me.  This job is killing me.  

 

lack of permanence

My life has been a series of temporary stops, and that has not changed.  I am trying to be in the now while also making now decisions looking toward the future.  No, I will not spend a two grand on the furniture I really want; yes, I will continue to use the dented pots and pans that i bought 20 years ago.  

The thing that really bugs me is my car.  I bought it new over three years ago, the first time I ever bought a brand-new vehicle, and the last.  I have not been a fan of having a new car, it's too nerve-wracking to put the first dent in, etc.  I keep it in the garage as much as possible, preferring bicycling and such, and it's got less than 10,000 miles.  

I don't really like it.  It's too fancy for me.  it's just a Subaru Forester, but it's got bells and whistles I'll never use.  I won't ever open the sun roof nor probably ever sync my phone.  I always prefer my 2002 Tundra which is by now so beat up I don't care what I hit.  

Why did I get the Forester when I already have a vehicle?  Because my Tundra is reported to have an oil leak in the engine, and the engine needs to be repaired or more likely replaced at significant cost.  That has been the verdict from at least three separate reputable mechanics.  Plus, there are lots of other things - the airbags warning went off years ago, it currently has check engine light for needing a new O2 sensor, there's some electrical issue that kills a battery after just a year or so, etc.  It could definitely be a money pit if I needed it to be a reliable vehicle.  

But here's what I know: that diagnosis of the engine leak was made almost four years ago, and the truck is still running.  I've never even had to top off the oil.  I stopped putting any money into it about three years ago and it still runs.  It's probably time to get an oil change, which I do every 7-9 months or so.  

The other reason I got the Subaru is because my boss told me I'd need to drive my car long distances for work.  But she then changed her mind without letting me know.  I have to use my own car for work, but it's less than five miles each direction. (But I probably won't ever bike to a primary work location because the road is too exposed and under construction - I never see bicyclists there.  I wanted to commit to that goal but it just doesn't seem prudent.)

And I live a place that sometimes gets snow and ice, and my Tundra isn't 4-wheel drive.  I had really tough time up north with the Tundra, spinning out on ice multiple times, so it's scared the fuck out of me.  But ... I can get fancy snow tires and chains, I don't actually need 4WD.  

The main reason I'd like to keep my Subaru is for my big road trip in retirement, but maybe I'd rather rent a car.  Or buy a different car that better suits the need.  Or just buy a car that I like better.  But it just feels wasteful to let go of a well-maintained car to just turn around and buy a different one based on my preferences.  And the main pressure to get rid of it is that I just want to get rid of things ... but not if I have to replace them. 

For both vehicles, I now spend less than $200/month - including insurance, gas, maintenance.  That actually wouldn't go down a ton if I were to get rid of the Subaru and make the Tundra primary - the insurance for the Tundra would increase, I'd have to get more gas because fuel efficiency is lower, and more maintenance on the Tundra which I currently defer because it's not a primary vehicle. 

So I think the question ultimately is: is it more cost-effective to not have a vehicle for two years, when considering cost of having to get a vehicle later.  It feels weird to think of a vehicle as an asset since it depreciates in value so significantly, but I've had my Tundra for 24 years and it's been incredibly helpful to me.  I don't remember how much I paid for it; it was less than a year old and a good deal and it has been such a good truck.  

Anyway, I think I'm just trying to get rid of things because I'm eager to leave.  I think ahead to when I'm putting plans in place and all the things I'll recycle - jars and boxes that I reuse all the time now, but when I'm done it's to the recycler and that will be a nice feeling.  I like reusing items and then I like letting them go.  Nearly everything can be let go.  

I am feeling a bit better today so that's nice.  My feet hurt like fuck though, and tbh I think it's because of the weight gain.  The less I weigh, the less my feet hurt.  So, yeah. 

The dog and I walked a bit further this morning than usual, though the last longer bit I wanted to walk was thwarted when I saw another dog at the distance, so we turned around trotted away before my dog could see the interloper which would fuel her rage.  She seriously loses her fucking mind when she sees another dog, and she sounds so incredibly aggressive (and actually is aggressive).  Dogs who dare walk politely across the street with their person stop in their tracks when they hear her, looking around nervously.  It's so bad.  And what amuses me is the times that I've been walking my dog and SHE'S been barked at by a dog in a car going past, she acts so offended, like that's rude behavior.  DUDE, YOU ARE THE RUDEST.  

So, I'll get the vacuum out shortly and do the cleaning things.  then I think I may drag the rowing machine back into the living room and try to start using it.  I'm reading a book Unbreakable : go strong. live long. a woman's guide to aging with power by Dr. Vonda Wright and she's of course laying hard into the need for exercise for healthy aging.  

**

Did the cleaning things, yay.   

**

 And got my truck in for an oil change, check it off the list. 

The Wayfinder is intense.  Like, I think the battle scene killings led to my insomnia Sunday night, which sucked.  So, no more reading it at bedtime, especially if it seems like any violence or anything upsetting is coming up.  

When I stopped at the library yesterday to pick up another book on hold (about women and retirement age), I wandered the "language center" (just a few shelves of materials) and found there are a couple different audio programs for Spanish, including Destinos, a video program that I viewed before and kind of enjoyed.  It's also available on-line.  My written language is nearly always better than oral/comprehension, so audio and video are important.  There's a lot of resources on-line but so much on-line is just crap, not limited to language.  I'm tired of all the sifting I have to do through bullshit to find simple information - it seems it's gotten worse with AI generating bullshit.  

I want to have the bandwidth and dedication to pursuing goals, such as increased physical activity and improving my Spanish skills.  Both of those are directly related to my retirement plans, which is only two to three years in the future.  I NEED TO GET ON IT.  But I get so overwhelmed with work and house/garden chores and just being so exhausted.  I need to figure out ways to incorporate these things to feel more control and satisfaction.  I need more self-discipline, like I used to have, but frankly - I like a good silly TV show at the end of a rough day when I'm trying to push myself to prepare healthy food from scratch and build a house or whatever the fuck I'm doing now.   I like projects but they also threaten to consume the little time and energy I have left at the end of the day.  Plus, I've been waking up very stiff and sore lately, which is not fun. 

But, it's 7:20 and I'm going to go put in half and hour of work outside and then be a little late to work.  Reclaiming my time.   

cycles

 I have lived places near the equator where the weather didn't really change throughout the year - it was always 7 am sunrise 7 pm sunset, and maybe there was a barely discernible change throughout the year, but mostly it was just always the same temperature and weather.  typhoon season may have been a cycle, but let's be honest - that's almost any time of year these days.  climate change is real, yo.

And I have lived places that had dry and wet seasons, and the dry brought in sand-heavy winds, which people swore caused pink-eye so they would wear sunglasses constantly.  

But I have now lived here in this temperate climate enough to recognize seasonal cycles of American traditional four seasons.  I keep eyeing my woodshed, hoping for a cold enough winter to make burning it seem like a good idea.  I've only lived one place as an adult where I used a woodstove for a heat source, and the dog HATED it.  I watch the pears ripen, the persimmons for the first time.  I eye the grapes and think about boiling them down to a syrup for a sweetener.  I watch plants grow, think of when I can plant more, when the rains return.   My activities, my focus, my purchases - they are seasonal.  Especially food.  

This article about a POlish berry dessert intrigues me and I want to visit there to try it.  Poland overall doesn't inspire me to visit like some places, but I would go there for this and find other interesting things along the way.  I want to go to Croatia for blitva (garlicy chard and potatoes), to Osaka for okonomiyaki (cabbage pancakes), etc. etc.  I want to eat my way across the world, mostly of fruits and vegetables, and how seasonal abundance is enjoyed.  I do not care for fancy, heavy sauce foods, I like fresh produce.  

And to eat seasonal fruits and vegetables and other simple local specialties across the world - that doesn't sound like the stupidest retirement idea I've ever heard.   There are still foods that I've eaten that I crave - Grunkern in Germany (an underripe grain that has a texture and flavor I loved), thiakry in Senegal (a millet dessert that rocked my world), potato greens in Liberia (sweet potato leaves - and actually a lot of food there, such as my comfort food: a big plate of freshly grilled fish and jollof rice).  

Because of course with the food is interactions with people and culture.  

Anyway, that's in the future, but I just mentally note every time I see something that intrigues me.  

In the meantime, my dog is in one of her sweet modes, wanting to snuggle and be well-behaved.  She goes through different moods and this is one of my favorite ones.  She's such a funny dog, and will enjoy her for as long as she lives.  

And then there is work.  Yesterday somebody was very angry at me for not doing something - but she was mad at the wrong person because I've always done that thing for her, and I have no control over my colleagues.  It felt like when I'm frustrated because i'm calling my dog and she's not coming, and then I look down and see she's been at my feet the whole time.  The confusion that my dog feels when I do that is how I felt, and of course my confusion just goaded her to more anger.  This person really likes to be angry at me, and this has become a game to me, an amusement.  The better I do my job, the more reasonable and helpful I am, the angrier she gets.  When she has to formally say that I'm correct, it just burns her and then something like this happens, where she wants to blame me for something that clearly is not on me.  When I first started I thought this was a problem, how much she dislikes me for no actual reason, but now it's such a source of amusement.  And I don't roll over and let her get her way because of her bluster - I will call her out when I need to and I nearly always prevail.  But mostly, I just laugh.  

But I'm not laughing at the workload - I feel totally overwhelmed right now, mostly because I'm fixing other people's missteps that bleed onto me.  It's very frustrating and I can't ever seem to get on top of things.  

***

Blackberries are coming in and they're pretty good.  Not great, but pretty good.  Picked almost a pint today but I'll need a lot more than that to make jam because they're seedy.  Also I eat a lot as I pick.  RAspberries are just about done though I just saw some new buds so maybe I have a second harvest this year. Zucchini is still itty bitty BUT I was able to pick a bunch of snap peas so I"ll cook those with tofu for a nice meal.  Not tonight though, tonight I'm feeling indulgent (still, again), so cooking up some chicken sausage and roasting potatoes that I'll eat tonight with leftover greens and sauerkraut, and tomorrow I"ll saute a bunch of cabbage to eat with the rest of sausage and potatoes.  I picked up a red cabbage to roast into a salad, and kale for soup.  I really need to use up the frozen squash - thought I had a good idea but I lost it.  And I'm just waiting for tortillas to go on sale, as they do, and then I'll make up a bunch of burritos.  I even got a big hunk of pepper jack that I'll shred and freeze to use this way.  

Oh, black bean and squash burritos - that's what I was thinking.  That sounds like a good idea to freeze a bunch of. 

Anyway, I'm glad to have a plan for food because I ate the last of the leftovers last night and had no motivation earlier.  I forgot to take my bag and containers to the store but oh well, everything could just go in my bike basket.  I hate using plastic bags but it's not the end of the world.   

I"m going to lean into the warmer weather and try to make sourdough in just one day tomorrow, we'll see how that goes.  Usually it's a full 24 hour process.  Need to do it on a Saturday because it may go late. 

I'm so ready for more vegetables from my garden to start - zucchini, beans are mostly what I see on the horizon now.  Maybe some cabbage will resist the pest pressure.  

 My winter brassicas haven't popped up yet - well, I thought I saw some start, but they disappeared, or maybe it was something else.  Hopefully I start to see them then.  My tomato plants are going banger.  I haven't watered them I dont' think at all since I put them in the ground, and they seem happy as can be.  I only planted two because they stress me out - very allergic to the plants, not crazy about the fruits, but like them sometimes.  I see at least a couple dozen green tomatoes out there, so that's cool.  And the pepper plants seem ok, even see a fruit or two.  I do have a short little row of turnips growing well finally, I may pull them soon and roast the roots if they're looking good and eat the greens.  

So, no starving over here.  Not by a longshot.  

I ate lunch out yesterday and I was so angry - at least it wasn't super expensive, because it totally sucked.  It was a taco salad, which was only a couple of crunchy little tortillas, beans with no flavor, homemade salsa with no kick, and romaine lettuce.  Like ... what?  No flavor. So bad.  So I got angry at myself for even trying.  I was in search of a cookie that I used to love 30 years ago that someone mentioned, but it's no longer existent.  Not the bakery we knew of, not the cookie.  It's sad.  I wanted one so bad.  

Apparently my knees heard that I'd be climbing up and down ladders again soon because they are both not working right.  They're collapsing, not taking any weight, etc.  Sucks.  Hopefully it passes. 

**

Saturday morning and my body is full on chore revolt.  Back hurts - upper and lower - and head, in addition to both knees collapsing.  Good times.  

But, I got up and got the bread and yogurt started.  For yogurt, I heat the milk to 180, let it cool to about 115, mix in starter from the last batch, put it in jars (I'm making three jars this time), put it in the cooler at about 115 for about 10 hours or so.  It's all quite approximate.  Tbh I probably don't have to heat to 180, because I use Organic Valley ultrapasteurized milk.  But, I do.  For the texture, and probably out of habit.  I use this wee little cooler that fits a 6-pack; I think I picked it up for like $2 decades ago - it was stashed in Friend's attic.  It's been working perfectly for the past three years.  And for the bread, I mix 8 oz active starter with 4 oz flour and 118 ml filtered water, and start the autolyze of 31 oz flour (though I put oats in for a bit of that weight, and add hemp hearts; I did toss in a wee bit of artisan bread flour I had, but mostly whole grain rye and wheat from a local mill), 1 T salt, and 679 ml water.  I'll keep an eye on it and in maybe 2-3 hours I can move to the next step, which is to combine the two bowls and do stretch and folds a few times.  Then it will wait - and this is usually overnight, but I think I could be good to proceed after a few hours, once it's proofed.  Then I shape the two loaves and do a final rise, then into the oven.  i'll just need to keep a close eye and act as soon as I can; otherwise, I'll need to do a final rise overnight in the fridge and then bake tomorrow.  It's warm but not that warm, though the starter is very active.  so, we'll see. 

I need to get into the front yard and water the plants not yet established.  Maybe do some exterior cleaning in front as well; I would like to finish the front.  But today my goal on the exterior cleaning is actually the side on the south - there's a vent loose that I need to try to reattach, and then I want to clean that area so I can put the Aerobin compost bin back together there.  That's also where most of my laundry hangs so I'd like to finish that area but it's a large area and with this grumbling body it definitely won't be finished today or even probably this weekend.  

Only one person showed up to give me a quote on the front porch repairs and I'm trying to figure out if it's worth it to spend about $750 for that.  It'll definitely be better than if I do it myself, though it does seem on the high side.  One other person responded to my request for quote but then stopped responding when I asked to set a time.  Maybe i'll take a look at it again and see if I want to do it myself (spoiler: I don't.  But I do want to keep saving money).  OK, I'm looking more at products available, and maybe I can just do it myself.  But it would require returning to nearby Home Depot and frankly that's been giving me creepy vibes lately.  A Friend in the know told me about management issues, and it's just been super weird every time I've gone in lately.  I'll go to another store I think because its energy is offputting.  But also not doing it this weekend.  I want to do more cleaning.  I'm feeling chore-weary.  

The dog is very snuggly, but there is nothing she loves more than being in the backyard "helping" me.  She gets SOOOO excited when I'm heading outside but she will be bereft for me to go in the front yard without her.  Life is struggle and disappointment, puppy. 

 OK, I think this is a flare.  Haven't had this level of pain in a long time.  I did the front yard things, the watering, tree trimming, light weeding, and talking to my neighbor about the damage to my plants from her husband's use of fire, and now I think I'm done with any heavy manual labor the the day.  And that's ok.  I can still hopefully do some light cleaning and cooking, but taking it easy to not get worse.  Maybe I'll even be able to rally to do a bit of sale grocery shopping and pick up a library book.  I think I may also read and watch a movie.  

Negotiating with myself to keep slowly moving because if I stop I'll get stuck.  Do two loads of laundry, onto the line, then to store (maybe try to get the recommended vitamins) & library.  Sit a beat, then vacuum, maybe clean the kitchen floor. These are achievable goals that will let me feel better.  I was supposed to have a doctor's appointment this week but I got a call to cancel the appointment and reschedule but I couldn't see where to reschedule it to on my calendar so I said I'd call back when I have time.  Then at the appointment time, she called to ask where I was, and I was like what, you said the appointment was canceled.  She acknowledged she worded it that way but, she said, she was calling to ask if I would reschedule, not telling me that I had to.  What?  Good grief, no you did not say that.  At least she apologized, but this is on top of other issues - months of not getting my records and then ME having to get them and push for lab test orders, then her sending the wrong orders to the wrong lab so I had to go another day, and now this.  It's not great.  Especially when I'm paying hundreds of dollars a month for concierge care.  I am so fed up with medical care in this town. 

**

OK, mission mostly accomplished.  Got the library book.  Someone was trying to get signatures outside.  I made no eye contact, clearly going where I was going, and she called out.  I didn't look, just kept going.  Not very quickly, I'm in pain.  She seemed to think that meant I was weak and she kept calling out to me as though she could force me to stop and listen to her and sign.  Perhaps I'm breaking social contracts, but I do not believe that by walking into a library entitles someone to accost me.  She ended with a very sarcastic, "Well have a nice day!" shouted at my back, and again, I registered nothing.  I could be deaf for all she knows.  Bitch, try someone else.  Book was ready and it's about women's health and aging, so I definitely want to start it right away, it may be helpful.  Then I went to the supermarket and was kind of on fire with couponing.  I still spent $50 but I got a jug of Tide free & clear and two containers of vitamins, and five containers of organic dairy and a dozen free range eggs, and a bunch of sparkling water (maybe 9?), so I'm feeling pretty good about that savings.  I used an on-line coupon for $10 off a basket over $50, and a 10% off coupon I got ages ago when I got a vaccination (which I may not do again because the last two times made me sick for months; or at least I was sick for months after getting them, maybe it's not the cause).   

I didn't make it to the other grocery store that often has local whole wheat tortillas on sale, but I can do that tomorrow after dog walk as it's on the way back home.  Not worth a special trip when I don't even know if they have them on sale.  I have a hard time buying things not on sale.  I just wait for sales even for my staples. 

**

So another place has come to my attention for wanting to go to - Uruguay.  It's reported to be a progressive place with friendly people and good healthcare and not onerous requirements for residency and even citizenship.  Though, do I really need a new citizenship when I'm 70?  It would have been so helpful at other times in my life but not sure it's worth the hassle at that time.  There are some interesting language school offerings including a month in the city and then a month on a farm.  I checked out Workaway and the offerings are interesting and focused on things like sustainable building.  

But what I need to keep reminding myself is that my post-retirement travels are not just for adventuring, it's to find a home and community for my "golden years."  It doesn't matter to me if in the US or elsewhere, just that it's a place where I feel at home and can transition through the next stages of life. 

I took an on-line quiz to estimate my level of Spanish and it said B2, and then I took one for German and it said I can handle nearly anything situation which I'm guessing is a C level but it's annoying that it didn't assign an actual level.  I used to be fully fluent in German but it's been over 35 years since I lived there and nearly that long since I used it.  Occasionally I'll run into someone who speaks it and we'll break it out, or I'll see something on-line that I read in German, but it's definitely atrophied.  PLus, there was no computer technology when I lived there, so much communication now is different vocabulary.  I can figure things out but it hurts my brain.  And for Spanish, it's also atrophied though I encounter it a bit more often.  When I was a teacher in California I focused on learnign Spanish to communicate with my students' parents, and I did get assessed and certified as a bilingual educator.  But the truth is, I just test very well.  I do not feel bilingual.  But could I be if I lived somewhere like Uruguay?  Maybe.  I do have the basic structures deep in my brain, I just need to recover and build on it.  I don't think I want to live in Germany again; it was very good for me at the time (I arrived the day the Wall fell, moved to Berlin, fell in love, learned so many things), but I don't think I need to return.  

What I'm looking for is a community-oriented place, which I did not find Germany to be, nor do I find much of the United States to be.  

Oh, anyway my point about the language testing is that the German test included a reading passage about the strong negative health effects from stress, and it was just a reminder that MAYBE my health will improve when I'm not living such a stressful life.  Here's hoping.  It also got me counting again, and I could feasibly be 1.75 years away from retirement, which is exciting and frightening.  It does depend on the dog's mortality, as I wouldn't have the house paid off until 2.5 years from now (and don't think I should retire until I have the house paid off if I'm still here, and I"m of course not abandoning my dog).  

It's frightening to think about retirement because of the not having income anymore.  That hasn't frightened me in the past because I was always on breaks but knew I'd be back to work when needed.  But the older I get, the fewer opportunities there are, and the less bandwidth I have to learn new things and do them well.  I don't think anyone thinks that I'm phoning it in now with my job, but it negatively affects my health to be in such a demanding role.  

Yikes, the scale says I gained 1.2 pounds.  That's the highest weight in 10 months.  This is exactly the weight creep that I was so concerned about.  And I'm not going hog-wild with eating ("rule" violations I think were only a slice of pizza one day and a cookie another), but I have been quite hungry and so eating because otherwise I can't focus.   

I probably have to start keeping a food diary.  It's just so annoying because I make everything from scratch so I have to start measuring and recording and calculating. I can't scan a UPC because I'm rarely eating things with UPCs.  oK, but as annoying as it is to record like this, I probably have to do it to figure out how I"m gaining weight instead of losing. 

OK, off to dog walk.   

Wednesday morning prep

 This morning I was up pretty early, so I went ahead and made a lentil loaf which is now in the oven.  Cook lentils, toast pecans, saute onions and garlic, add in an egg and breadcrumbs (which I'll start using oats for likely), smoked paprika, soy sauce.  Bake for half an hour.  I then slice it and freeze it, and thaw it for breakfasts to eat on a whole wheat pita.  Yes, that's a good fibery way to begin a day.  I was just not up to making it this weekend, so I'm glad I found the bandwidth for it today.  

I'm in warrior mode which isn't always helpful, but I'm so frustrated with so many people not doing their jobs properly.  I'll need to take a step back before losing my cool.  It's not just one or two, it's a lot of people.  And in my office everyone is overstrapped so nobody wants to volunteer for things except my staff who is then also overstrapped and not doing the things that I need them to do.  

Take a breath, don't make others' problems mine ... but also I was on the phone at 7:30 pm getting an earful about people not doing their jobs so I'm tired of this.  

Last night I harvested the dried favas and put them in the freezer to kill weevils.  AFter a few days I'll take them out, sort again (avoid chocolate fungus and weevil holes), then dry and put into a jar in the seed storage.  I thought it was a ton but it almost all fit into a quart size jar, and once I sort again into an even smaller jar most likely.  I'll share seeds and have plenty to grow myself again next year.  Well, I'll plant them later this year and they'll overwinter.  

The raised beds I got from Friend are not doing great; all the plants in there are not robust.  Is it the soil?  No idea but it's weird.  Things do much better when planted in-ground.  Oh, I should go out and check for zucchini.  Shredded zucchini is a great addition to the lentil loaf, for next time.  

Oh, there are a couple of wee zucchini coming in, yay.  Have to keep an eye on them in case of growth spurt.  

OK, time to get ready for the workday.  try to not yell at anyone, etc.  

 

So. Much. Better

 I logged off work right on time at 5 pm (ok, 5:10) and got to work cleaning and chopping greens which are now simmering.  I baked cubes of tofu, and I cooked some cheesy grits (parmesan instead of cheddar because I use what I have, and I always like a sharp cheese).  I am having a hard damn time stopping from eating the grits - which are actually polenta, but grits are my food culture not polenta, so I just have a hard time remembering.  Once the greens are cooked as I want them, I'll throw in some ACV and hot sauce and this will be so damn good.  So much better than anything I can buy in a restaurant here.  

The food we ate last night was not good.  I mean, it was ok, but not good.  Friend wanted the restaurant that she hadn't tried before, based on reviews, and it was a bit of a drive, but ok, it's her birthday.  I also took her probably 12 pounds of blueberries that I'd picked.  I feel shitty for how I didn't have any energy for DEar Friend when she was here for her birthday, because she always makes a big deal on birthdays.  But I just get so fucking exhausted, so I had to pace myself for Friend and didn't lose steam until after we'd eaten.  Then I was DONE.  

So why the fuck am I eating mediocre food out when I can cook so much better in?  The greens were $7 (shallots and garlic grown here), the polenta probably 70 cents, the tofu $1.30 at Costco.  It'll be three to four meals, so that's less than $3 for a tasty meal.  Oh, plus cheese, maybe 75 cents.  But still a bargain, and I will grow more greens going forward, with the collards tree I have, and some collards grex.  

**

It's a little overcast this Tuesday early and it would have been a great day to climb up a ladder to scrub gutters and siding BUT I overdid it this weekend and all the muscles cry out, especially in neck and back.  So, more rest it is.  I will get this job done, it'll just take more time than I'd hoped.   

master of the craft

 Many many years ago I worked at a museum where James Michener and his wife were doing research. I'm embarrassed to say that I don't remember his wife's name (maybe Mari Sabusawa?) because that's whom we usually interfaced with and she was lovely.  

Michener is known for his research which lead to his vast narratives, and it's so much work to learn every details and so much discipline.  I was impressed even at my young age.  

Certainly many authors do a ton of research but i don't think I've read anyone who pulls it together in the same was as Adam Johnson.  I'm 1/10 of the way in The Wayfinder now and it's extraordinary.  I would like to call in sick and stay home and read all day, even though I take breaks with the reading because it's dense.  

I'll want to read everything by him, unsure how he escaped my attention but of course I've been out of reading for a long time.  

And I'm embarrassed to admit my ageism, but I'm glad he's around my age.  I like how the stories come to him through openness to learning new things.  And in one review I was just looking at, it said his characters are posted on the margins, and so of course I relate to that.  I've always been an outsider and that's where I'm most comfortable.  

Anyway, in other news, my body hurts so badly from the exterior cleaning.  It's embarrassing how badly I hurt and can barely shuffle about.  I took Friend out for dinner last night and was so exhausted I could only think about getting back home.  

And now it's time to get ready to start work.  Sigh.   

that damn American individualism

 Finished Stone Yard Devotional and it was not really what I expected - I'd thought when I requested it that it was autobiographical.  it was fine.  Short.  Now onto Wayfinder which is much longer and has so many characters that it was the listing in the front.  One of those books.  It's already bothered me with sexual violence which is more authentic than gratuitous, but still upsetting.  

When I lived up north, I had neighbors from Tonga and they were wonderful - so welcoming and fun.  I still miss them.  I think of them as I read this book, for a personal reference to build on.  

Long ago a Palestinian-Jordanian friend who is married to an American told me that one striking difference for him between cultures is that in the US if he's sad or withdrawn, he's left alone; in Jordan, everyone would be asking him what's wrong, trying to draw him out.  So true.  I embody the worst of this aspect of American culture, this isolated individualism (especially now that my job drains me of all my lifeforce), but I don't like it.  I really enjoy being part of community, like with my Tongan neighbors who always thought to include me in every party, who showed up to help with all things even though I never asked, who checked in in a way that made me feel very not alone while also not intrusive.  Their five-year-old was obsessed with me (he thought the porcupines and bears often on my front porch were my roommates), and that's all the vetting they needed to consider me one of theirs peripherally at least.  

I will need to find a community to reside in that has these sorts of connections, in which I am not alone.  I   can bring value - I like to work hard for a community.  I'm tired of doing all this work just to benefit myself, I want to be working for the good of the group.  So a shared community of some type is what I seek.  And soon I will have time to do that seeking.  Soon-ish.  Two to three years.  

It is already sunny this morning and I need to get the dog out on her walk.  That is our contractual agreement, that she gets a walk once a week.  

I really need to get some better walking shoes - the ones I have are quite hurting my left foot.  I tried the special lacing for midfoot arthritis but it's not working.  There have to be shoes that will work for me.  Not only do I have freakishly high arches that are falling, but I have large bony protuberance on the top of each foot that does not appreciate pressure from a shoe.  

Also my back is quite killing me today.  Don't want to push that too hard.  

It's so lovely that the quilt is done and tucked up in the closet and all the gear put away.  My living room looks quite spacious again.  This house just always feels too big for just me but also not well set up to have a roommate (the bedrooms are all close together with thin walls and quite small, no private bathroom, only one living room type area, a small galley kitchen, etc.).  I hope that when I'm ready I can sell it quickly and not at too big a loss.  Housing prices are insane here, not sure how the young family that this house is built for can afford it.

Scale says I've gone up 0.2 pounds, but it feels like more.  I had three indulgences this week: I ate at Panda Express once and got a plate (around 1,300 calories), I had one scoop of ice cream, and I had four small pieces of chocolate covered candy that I got in bulk.  All the rest of my eating was pretty much in line with no UP foods, plant-forward.  I wish I could lose weight sustainably.  It would help my feet.   

The dog has gently nudged me to comply with the terms of our agreement and take her out on a walk, so off we go.   

putting things away

 The quilt that I've been working on since 2008 is completed and in the washing machine without detergent in hopes of removing any of the marks that I missed (I had to mark the pattern that I quilted in each block).  I'll dry it on the line, check again for marks, or for any spots where thread is not holding, and then launder with detergent and dry and put away and be done, yay.  And then I get to put away all the tools and supplies for the quilting that have been sitting out for months, and pick up various bits of thread I've overlooked, and fold up and put away the desk that I've had for decades and keep using.  I think I got it in the early 00s, maybe earlier?  It's just so convenient how it folds up and I can slide it along a side of my truck bed as I'm traveling cross-country with it.  I have a Real Desk for my job work now, a fancy one that raises up (which I rarely use because if I'm working from home I'm likely to be doing it from my couch), but this folding desk has been so helpful so many times.  Including this time.  I love useful things.  

Which leads to one of my favorite things about this house - large overhang.  This house has one of the biggest overhangs I've ever seen on a house and it's been amazing for just setting things against the house to stay dry, for things from pitchforks to wheelbarrows to shovels to bags of dog poop and trash and buckets of yard debris.  I really like it.  If I ever build a house, I want large overhangs. 

The downside is that I now need to clean this overhang - they are dirty and spidery.  I started with cleaning the siding and windows yesterday on a small portion to see how things would go, but then realized that I need to first get the trim and gutters along the outside of the overhang and then the overhang itself and THEN the siding and windows and vertical gutters.  Otherwise, I'm cleaning areas just to have dirt washed on them.  So, that recalibrates my intentions.  I'll get back out at it this morning, I'm still drinking my coffee, having finished putting away laundry from yesterday and stripped the guest bedding to launder today as well.  

The sun here is just rough on me and I'm not really sure why.  It's not even getting that hot, mid-80s, but it just sucks my lifeforce.  If I'm in the shade, I'm fine, but direct sun is brutal.  And the way my house is laid out, there's a lot of direct sun.  When I took out the diseased huge sweet gum (a decision I in no way regret because it doubled the size of my yard for gardening), it brought sharper sun to the east side of my house, so late afternoons are balmy.  But also this is about layout - from the backdoor to the yard is all concrete, to the covered patio.  I put windows into the patio but it is still really warm and the concrete radiates heat, and so I can't plant trees there for shade.  

There's a huge elm tree in the curbstrip beside my front yard, and the relief I feel under it is astounding - when it's warm outside, it always feels about 20 degrees cooler.  And I cut the branches just so people can walk under it, but they still drape far for relief.  Children are often outspoken about it, "This is a magical place!" I've heard them say.  It is.  But I do not see how to use that magic right beside my house because of concrete, etc.  And this is why I not putting a lot of money into repairs to the patio - I reroofed it because it was leaking and repaired the worst of the damage so it wouldn't fall over and put gutters on and prepped and painted it (that was my big project last summer), but if I were investing in this house, I'd tear that all down.  Instead, I'd put a sliding glass door in my dining room and move a patio to there, and I would use far less concrete and instead put in natural shade features.  That patio and concrete was for a hot tub (which was so gross when I moved in, with mold and rats and all).  I use it for company (occasionally) and for projects.  Let whomever comes next decide what they want to do.  

It's 250th anniversary of how we measure Independence Day, and I vividly recall the 200th as we celebrated it hard in my classroom.  I'm of that age now.  I'm not tapdancing on a tabletop in red white and blue this time.  Lord my childhood was weird. 

I need to fill my green bin, probably with branches from trees that are interfering with street and sidewalk passage.  Soon there will be a very large annual event right beside me and the streets will be packed with cars and people.  I will again gear up to fight people who want to sell plastic junk from my property and who want to blare music very loudly very late, and to pick up loads of trash.  It is not a pleasant time for me, one of the things I do not like about this house.  Well, maybe I'll do that now, the green bin filling.  The dog will be bereft as she cannot be with me in the front yard, but she'll survive.  And then it'll be late enough that the farmstand may be open, and I think I"ll go get raspberries and greens, I'm quite craving grits (polenta) and greens, and I think I'll bake some tofu to eat with it.  

I probably need to go talk with my neighbor as his torching didn't kill just the lavender, but now I see that it did other plants as well.  And yes, he will need to pay to replace those plants.  And also, he had offered to help pay for the fence and I never followed up with him about that.  

**

Got the berries, was able to get day-old raspberries that I'm processing now to freeze and ... the berries from my yard taste better.  Theirs are fine, but mine are better.  

Taking a little break from exterior house cleaning because that up and down the ladder is a lot.  I am motivated to keep going a bit more though, and maybe be almost done with a small portion of the task.  I'm good with elephant eating when there's an incentive, and the incentive for this is that it's physical activity which I need each day, and my house will look so much better.  I think I may start the front of the house tomorrow to start to get through that.  Yes I'm a little embarrassed at how dirty the house is, at least to me.  I don't think it's been cleaned since the windows and screens were installed in 2018.  A lot of the screens will have to be replaced if I remove them (no tabs, springs broken, etc.), so I may rethink that plan to clean by removing screens and scrubbing down windows and surrounds.  I can also try to spend an hour or so in the mornings if I get out started on that by 6:30.  So, some early mornings ahead.  

Not sure if I already said this, but yesterday for dinner I had a burrito from my freezer, and there is no comparison to what I bought the other day - mine is SO much better.  The black beans seasoned well, the right amount of pepper jack cheese, some pepitas and probably pickled jalapenos.  So good.  Why do I ever eat out, I'm disappointed well more than half the time.  So, I'll probably have another one for lunch.  I did get off burritos for a bit because the last batch of sweet potato white bean chipotles were way too spicy, unpleasantly so, so I had to be in the right frame of mind to eat one.  But now I'm on to these great black bean ones I made not long ago. 

I'm craving sweets and was thinking of stopping somewhere for an espresso and a muffin, but why?  I have coffee, I have some muffins frozen made with fruit and vegetables and whole grains and no added sugar which satisfy that craving and aren't the 1,300 calories of a Costco muffin.  That reminds me that I need to make more lentil loaf this weekend for breakfasts.  Lentils for breakfast are always a good idea.  And I should make up some more burritos to freeze soon.  So tasty.  I'm still grossed out by whatever that place put in their bean burritos that wasn't beans or cheese.  Probably TVP, but it was unexpected and so gross.  

OK, all the laundry is on the line.  It's still pretty hazy at 11 am but it'll burn off soon and dry things well. HOpefully the quilt dries soon and I can check the markings are all removed and then launder it with detergent, dry, put away.  It's ok if that's tomorrow, but today would be lagniappe, to get it done.  It looks pretty cool on the line.  

My dog stinks and I'm not sure why, as she's never been a stinky dog.  I don't want to bathe her in my bathtub because it's refinished and her nails would wreck it, and the hose won't reach in the shower (plus that's a quite small space).  I tried calling a self-serve dog wash to ask if they had reactive dog times available (before or after opening, when nobody else around), and they were clueless.  "We have a curtain between one shower and the rest" as though a curtain is going to stop my dog from knowing that there is her mortal enemy right there within reach.     

I also had a bit of an epiphany at the farmstand, where I spent $42.05 for chard, kale ($3.50 each) cucumbers, two half pints of raspberries ($5 each), and a day-old flat of raspberries.  The cucs were over $1.50 each for not very big ones, and that just seems like a lot of money.  I struggle with growing some things in my garden such as chard (leaf miners) and brassicas (cabbage loopers), but I should be getting a shit-ton of cucumbers soon and I can just wait for that.  I can buy other food that is less expensive, when I can' t grow it myself.  Yes, I want to support local agriculture, but that is a lot of money for a little cucumber when they're on sale at a store I like to frequent.  

There are reasons that I focus a lot on money.  For example, when I was graduating high school, I was accepted to every university I applied to, with good scholarships.  The one I really wanted to go to was Cornell (I didn't know that there were lower tier Ivy League colleges or I would have aimed higher), and while they provided a very generous financial packages, back in those days, there were non-negotiables about parents contributing at least part of the tuition costs, a required need-based portion.  My parents made it clear that they would not be contributing at all, and I grew up on a remote island from which only one person had ever made it that far so I had no advice about how to make it work.  My father had written a letter saying it was unfair that they were expected to contribute, considering the cost of living was higher, but his letter must not have been very persuasive.  My mother said I could just borrow more money and go, but even when I was 17 years old I knew she had pathological relationship to money so I didn't trust her.  And so I had to give up this dream that I had worked hard for.  Instead I went to a small Christian college in the midwest where my father and his family all went, because they gave me a full ride.  I was absolutely miserable there, taking up heavy drinking and acting out, making suicide plans because I had no more hope for a better life, until my best friend tried first and I had to coordinate her trips to the psych hospital and all the after care.  I dropped out and hopped around, living for awhile with that same best friend until I realized how incredibly toxic our relationship was, thanks to an old friend who pointed things out, and it ended up taking me eight years to get my undergrad degree; this was the town that I landed in, in which I could live for cheap and work a lot in order to pay my own way, because by that time I wasn't required to use my parents' financial information anymore.  I think too about how much I'd begged to leave our remote little town where I was so underchallenged academically and go to a better school, and my father was so adamant that I not go have experiences where I would learn to be "elite." 

But sometimes I can't help but think about how different my life would have been, if I hadn't been scraping by to survive on my own, if I'd had any access to people who could have helped me with opportunities and challenges.  

Obviously it doesn't do any good to hold a grudge.  My parents' money was instead spent on my brothers' drug habits and incarcerations, helping my sister with her schooling and home buying, etc.  

And obviously family relationships are not about money.  But for a family who provided me absolutely nothing in terms of emotional support or sense of belonging, it would have maybe been nice if they'd at least helped me succeed on my own as a good college degree could have helped me do if they'd helped out that first year with college like the financial aid office said they easily could.  

I'd definitely be a different person, probably less bitter and prickly, better able to trust.  Maybe would have had children because I wouldn't be so worried that I'd fuck them up like I am.  

I used to joke about how I was the throwaway child, that they had three more after me because they messed me up.   

Of course the majority of people in this country had much worse childhoods and family relationships, I know that.  But sometimes I still get to be a little angry about what I missed by never being a priority to anyone but myself.  

And so I scrap, and I scrimp and save, and I build my own life.