aspirational shopping

 I try quite hard to not buy things that I don't actually need.  No expensive workout gear for me because I'm not working out.  No fancy kitchen gadgets for me if I'm not going to actually use them regularly.  No vegetables that rot in the crisper.

But.

Black beans appear to be my aspirational shopping downfall, as the ten pound bag indicates.  How on earth am I to eat ten pounds of black beans timely?  That is A LOT of black beans.  Yes, I know that dried beans last forever, but they don't really.  And I plan to move away at some point. 

So why did I buy them?  Good price at Costco for them.  They were like half the price of buying non-organic by the pound in the store.  And because I do like beans, and I like to rely on plants instead of meat for sustenance.  

But the real problem is storage.  My kitchen has not nearly enough storage.  I would kill for a pantry.  Once my house is done if ever, I hope to get some more storage to set up right outside the kitchen.  

Speaking of the if ever, the downside to the foreman is that he's not around on weekends.  They asked if they can work over the weekend and I agreed, but I didn't know that was without supervision or anyone who speaks English.  And I can speak enough Spanish to get around but I cannot ever seem to supervise workers in Spanish.  They don't answer the question I'm asking, telling me what they think I want t hear.  No, I want the truth. And now I'm dealing with challenges of needing to know details of things like when there will be a power cut because my tenant works totally at home - which I'm not totally crazy about for reasons like this.  I need to know when I can do laundry again.  I need to know when they will finish.  I was under the impression (because I was told) that they'd be working long hours, more crew would be brought in, etc.  Instead, it's just the same three guys rolling in at 9 am, moving at a somewhat leisurely pace which I don't begrudge them but THE RAIN IS COMING ON TUESDAY. 

So yeah, I'm getting frustrated.  Or still frustrated.  Work stress doesn't help.  And school exam stress.  But I am not pleased that I had to move things out of my garage to give them access to walls for repairs, and that doesn't appear to be getting done, and I need to move things back inside before rain.  So that's  legit frustration.  

the foreman

 Work has finally begun on my roof and it's even worse than expected because my garage walls are also rotted and the studs have to be replaced.  Which is a big job, of course.  More expense, I'm sure.

They showed up late to work and I was exasperated, so when I texted the sales guy he showed up.  I don't think he'd ever been on a job site based on how he acted and didn't know the guys.  He's nice about it, it's just interesting how little the roofing sales guy knows about roofing.  So they began, and I felt good Mario, William, and Carlos.  INtroduced myself, asked if they needed anything, all that.  Were they surprised by this when they thought they were just arriving at a job site to eat breakfast?  Yeah, but I needed to get to work.  Came home in the afternoon and there was a woman here with Bunny bread and condiments and I assume lunchmeat, feeding one of the guys.  OK, but why are you parking in my driveway with your oil leaking car?  Whatever, NBD, and it's quicker to eat on site than go away so ok. 

2:45 the sales guy says he's on site.  I ask if everything's ok, if they'll finish on Monday before rain comes.  He says it's all good.  4:00 as I'm leaving work to go pick up a fancy countertop oven a friend offered, he calls again.  Rotted wall studs can't support the roof and the walls have to come down.  I suggest just running studs and beams on the outside and he says I should talk to the foreman.  I say I'll head right there, he says the foreman will wait for me.

I am kind of blown away by this foreman.  He is clearly wicked smart, a great problemsolver, but that's not all.  He's from Guatemala but his English is superb.  We talk through possible repairs and he's so clear.  I make my outside support suggestion and he says, "That's not crazy," and we examine the situation, but then reject that for reasons I fully understand.  We talk about removing interior walls or outside siding, and reach a conclusion that means work for me but it's clearly the better option.  I'm in.  He talks to the guys working and asks them questions and tells me they plan to bring in more guys to hopefully finish on time but if there are obstacles they'll be sure to protect from the rain.  I am really struck by how effectively he talks to the guys - the tone, the response eliciting, the conveyance of information, all of it.  

And then I see that his truck is blocking the mailbox, and when the mailman comes to deliver, he meets him with two little kids in tow.  Apparently his family is there, and he is polite and respectful to the mailman, which I definitely appreciate as my mailman is awesome.  (And retiring soon, which breaks my heart.)  Then I see him running around the neutral ground, playing with his children who clearly adore their father.  It's after his work hours and he's making everything work. 

The thing is, I can barely do one thing ok right now, and Beltaire is out here successfully handling everything with grace.  I don't mean that as comparison, I'm just saying that times are hard for all of us which makes his success even more outstanding.  

I hope that they treat him very well and he is well compensated and appreciated for the gem he is.

I also hope that he's putting enough direct hours into my project to ensure everything is done well.  I think they have him spread way too thin, but we'll see.  Fingers crossed.

And now it's 8 am and nobody is here yet, but I have to let it go.  Things will get done.  It'll be ok.  And then I'll move on to the next thing.  Which has become getting the goddamn garage door fixed because it's hanging on a thread and a pain in the ass.  But then the rest.  As soon as I'm done with exams.  I can't believe that puts us into March already.  Ugh.  Summer is coming too soon.  

Today's Saturday and I have a long to do list.  Of course.  A friend came into town to help with the dog during all this roofing and to be a man around in time of construction in case that was necessary to handle the sexism (fortunately it doesn't appear to be). He helped me clear out my garages last night which was a big help.  I've gotten so spoiled with a dog door and a big backyard that when I can't have the dog free range it's a big PITA.  Yesterday he walked her and a pit rushed them so he picked her up and walked away which was not to her liking, but he's big and strong and can hold her 52# of warrior.  But there are just too many fucking dogs around and walking her is hard.  I'll take her for a long walk now, a drive away to university, and then do a couple of midday walks.  We'll be ok, it's just a hassle. Sure hope the workers show up soon and gets started.  I know they're not liking these 36 degrees but this gringa needs a roof. 

laying plans

 Talked to my advisor this week and we got my comprehensive exams on the calendar for mid-February.  Lots of studying to do.  Then I need to update my dissertation proposal and present that to my committee, and then my research can start.  Oh, after Institutional Review Board approves it once they decide I'm not going to harm anyone.  

But that wasn't the interesting part.  We talked a long time, as we do.  He was in a bad mood which we turned around, talking about wide-ranging topics.  And then he asked if I wanted to join with him and another colleague in writing a paper.  And we discussed me teaching next academic year.  

Since walking the dog there on campus recently and seeing a bicycle at the library, I have been longing for being just a full-time student.  Not working full time AND going to school AND everything else.  The happiest times I remember are when I could really focus on just being in school.  It opens this portal for me to creativity and new experiences.  I make lifelong friends in these times, develop new hobbies and life goals.  

And to clarify, I always worked while in school and that's how I paid for things like tuition and rent.  But I worked as an ancillary; a research assistant between classes, grocery bagger in the evenings, university office assistant, that sort of thing.  I do not mind work and in fact quite like it.  But when I work full-time, that is my focus because I am in a white-collar professional world.  And I have very good boundaries now and my work is almost all confined to the 8-5 hours, but it still denies me any flexibility.  I am not allowed to work from home even though I could completely do my job remotely, and I cannot take off time during the day to go do other things even though leadership people do.  So doing things like conducting my research will be difficult.  And when work a demanding full-time job like what I have now, my bandwidth is tapped out.  I put my sparkles of brilliance into my job and it demands all of my brain, so when I come home to work on academics I have very little left.  I am very good at my job, but that takes all of me.

So when my professor and I spoke, we realized that I could make this fantasy come true perhaps.  I'm living very frugally now and can make further cuts, and I save a good chunk of what I make.  I have savings that I'd wanted to use to pay off my house but that doesn't really make much sense as I have a low interest rate and we're in time of inflation.  

I have two coworkers who are retired from other careers, and I have asked them both WHY DO YOU WORK HERE IF YOU DON'T HAVE TO.  What I hear from them and others is that they don't want to sit home.  A year off was good but then they itched to have an office job and interactions again.  I know this is a common refrain among retirees.  And I don't think I'll have it myself because I have always enjoyed not working, but at the same time - I enjoy working.  A lot.  I have pride in my work and enjoy learning new things.  It's nice to have someplace to go, people to chat with over the water cooler and king cake.  While I dream of being financially independent and quitting work entirely, and that's the main reason that I live so frugally, I anticipate wanting to work well into my 60s.  I just want flexibility and gaps - whether it be summers off again or taking extended time off between jobs to do things like spend a couple months with close friends in Australia and New Zealand.  I don't want to be a wage slave, but also I don't want to fall into a TV coma on my couch. Which isn't really possible for me, but it's still a concern.  

I'm in pretty good financial shape regarding retirement if my plan is to work another 10 years and especially if potentially in higher paying jobs again.  

So what if I quit my job in August-ish and took off an academic year to just really focus on my studies and near completion of my PhD?  Maybe doing some contract work to pay the bills but mostly just doing things in my area of study such as teaching?  I have savings enough, and I haven't ever really had a hard time finding a job except when I finished grad school at the peak of the recession and unemployment was surging, and even then I was fine for a few months until I found a great job, which I left for an unexpected opportunity of a lifetime.  I sure do like my safety net of savings and the freedom it allows me.  And I am incredibly lucky and while I get nervous about money when it's not flowing in, I have no reason to believe that my luck isn't going to hold another 10-15 years.  My health is not the best but I have no reason to believe that I will be fully infirm anytime soon.  As I had ardently hoped, moving out of a job with unreasonable hours to one with less demands has made all the difference - my heart issues went away completely and I no longer feel like I'm pushed beyond what is possible for me, making mistakes because of exhaustion. 

I well understand compound interest now and wish that I had better saved in my youth, but even without that benefit, I now understand retirement savings.  If I delay my retirement by one year because I take off a year now, it will not derail me and leave me destitute.  And I would really enjoy my last year in New Orleans to be one with the freedom of time and energy to explore again like I did when I first came here.  There is so much volunteering I want to do and just can't right now. 

There is no guarantee that I will finish my dissertation in a year even if I am doing it full-time.  So much depends on my committee being timely, and ... like most committees, they are not. But if I can be on campus and interact with some of them there, it could help.  I will be able to interact with other doctoral students, because right now I know none.  Zero.  It's been a weird thing to be a part-time evening student and then away for three years.  I have no cohort and that is problematic.  

So, this is how I'm leaning.  To quit my job in about seven months and be a full-time student for a year. 

 

57

 There have been 57 carjackings/armed robberies so far this year in New Orleans.  This year being 2022 and today being the 17th day of the year.

Our population is not even 400,000.  Our murder rate is higher than pre-Katrina.  

But this isn't even what is pushing me out of New Orleans.  It's the climate change.  Ida was a huge eye-opener.  I love this place and its people but it's time for me to jump ship like a rat while the housing prices are still high (as soon as I can, lots of factors swimming there like my friend's cat dying of old age, student loan payoff, two years post last house sale, etc.).  

I still don't have a fucking roof and I'm still living in post-storm shambles that tap my cognitive load heavily, but hopefully we'll move forward soon.

I'm digging in on the PhD.  I've asked exams to be set for February 18, and now I have to read about 30 academic tomes. OK, read 12 and reread 18.  It's a lot.  I'm stressed.  But I want to get done.  

And so I have to reorganize how I spend my time.  At some point I got used to a life of leisure, with time to binge TV shows and endlessly scroll Facebook.  Those days are over.  It's time to focus.

This morning I got up early and prepped dinner - chopping onions and finding the good parts of old jalapenos, cutting butter into cornmeal and scrounging into the back of the fridge to find the oldest yogurt to mix in.  Of course I'll have to rethink cooking again, no more hours available so I need quick and easy and tasty and healthy.  Though I'll carbo load as I always do when facing mental challenges - my brain needs the carbs.  

I wanted to bike to work today but I feel dragging, so maybe tomorrow.  I didn't sleep well and there are work stressors that I need to learn to leave behind and not let it take up bandwidth.  All I have bandwidth for now is my exams.  I fantasize of quitting my job and just studying, knowing that this is the last time I'll do this and how much I've enjoyed that in the past.  I really like full-time study.  I looked longingly at the bicycle on the rack at the library of my university this weekend, thinking how I would like a study carrel and time to just be a student.  Of course the finances and logistics of that aren't entirely feasible right now.

And now I go to work.

fairness thoughts on a Saturday

 I don't want to talk about work, or think about it when I'm not there, but this is too much.  A man was just hired to do the same job as a woman - his workload is half what hers is and he is paid more.  

Of course this happens but ... I just didn't think it would happen so blatantly NOW.  Like, have we not learned ANYTHING about equality.

And now I don't know what to do with this information.  It's only going to get me into trouble.  

I sometimes have a very childlike view of fairness.  It frankly riles me up more than almost anything.  I never accepted the shrug: "Well, life's not fair." No, but that's not right, and we should work to improve that.  And that has been frankly the entire trajectory of my life, trying to level playing fields through education and other opportunities.  So these little biases get me too.  Because they're also bigger biases - women paid less than men. 

Adding it to the list of wrongs that I wish I could let go but will likely explode at some point.  

Last night I took the cleavers spring tonic and within an hour I was feeling its power.  It cleaned me all the way out.  But that discomfort probably lasted no more than 15 minutes and then i was fine and then i had the best night of sleep I've had in FOREVER.  Worth it?  Yeah. Though I'll try a smaller dose next time.  

Today's supposed to be a bit warmer (upper 60s) and maybe rain at some point, so I need to get working while I can.  The next two days are set to be colder (40s) and it's not a lot of fun for me to be on my knees pulling oxalis when it's that cold.  I have Monday off thank goodness and a lot of studying to do and I really need to push my advisor to move forward and get exams rolling.  So I have to get all my ducks in a row.  There's of course the usual weekend activities of cooking and cleaning.  Making yogurt, baking sourdough bread, all that.  These things take time but I've done them so much that they're habits and easy to integrate with other activities.  REad a chapter, do a stretch and fold.  Clean the kitchen, get the milk to 180 degrees.  I bought some local milk at the farmers market that I'm excited about.  It's the little things.  I just always like the taste of my yogurt and bread better than anything I can afford in a store.

Trying to decide what to do about my curb strip.  It's large and weedy.  Do I want to keep it for food production as I'm doing now with raised beds, or do I want to move those beds to the back and convert it to native plants like the rest of the front yard?  Maybe put in a couple of native trees and some other things like that?  It's just a lot of work to do.  I could sheet mulch with cardboard, but the ground is already above the sidewalk level so dirt washes onto sidewalk and I either need borders or I need to make the ground lower.  I don't frankly want to pay money for borders and I also frankly don't want to dig up so much.  So, that's where I am, with a mowed weedy patch with two raised beds with some beautiful beets I'm going to cook up this weekend (and can what I don't eat).  There is zero doubt that digging in the dirt is good for me, even when I'm buried in academia.  Maybe especially when buried in academia.

Speaking of good for me, I did bicycle to work yesterday and ... man it felt like it was going to kill me.  I'm so out of shape.  It's less than four miles one way but it was hell both ways.  But I did it.  And I need to keep doing it.  Good exercise, good role modeling of my values, and saves gas.  Winning all around.  I plan to do it again on Tuesday if the weather holds.  And I want to prove my commitment to it and get gear to allow me to do it even when the weather isn't so great - but I'm not dropping money on rainpaints and panniers until I've gotten that proof.  I've already dropped over $400 on bicycle, basket, and helmet, so I need to get my money's worth.  

Well, the dog knows it's Saturday and sure does want a walk, so off we go.  It's going to be a good weekend.  Thank you for everything, Dr. King.

communication

 Yesterday I went apologizing.

A nice young man had provided me with something and I had ranted about why I hadn't gotten it weeks earlier, when I should have, and about generally how the processes aren't working properly.  

And then I went to talk to my supervisor about different process problems and we got into a shouting match - she always wants to blame people and I always want to identify and fix problems.  Her assistant and I both strongly believe in the good in people and that if they are properly trained and supported with clear expectations that they will usually do what they are needed to do.  Our workplace though is much more sink or swim, with none of those things done, and then the blame game begins.  Truly brilliant people can shine through, but most normal people are still trying to find the bathroom and waiting for their email to be set up.  

I have taken it upon myself to try to welcome new people.  I can't change what's been going on or force people who've been there a long time to be friendly and helpful, but I can be a resource for at least new people trying to find their way.  I am super generous with information.  We have some excellent people who will jump ship if they are abused by people who think they should know things that they don't, and I want to try to avoid that happening.  It's not my job, but I can be a mensch.  And of course it benefits me, creating a much more enjoyable workplace.  We chat about things outside of work and we connect over our shared larger purposes (I'm in a department of one so it can be mighty lonely).  

Anyway, my supervisor believes we're in competition with each other and we must blame others to deflect to stay alive in the game.  If that's the game, I'm out.  This is the same supervisor who has a firm patronage system in place, with minions.  It's fascinating even as I'm pulled in.

But I do also stand out because I am one of very few white people.  Almost everyone is black, probably 90%, from leadership to custodian.  And for me, this is pretty comfortable.  I know there are things I don't understand and am not a part of, and I'm fine with outsider status.  

Because the thing is, I'm an outsider everywhere.  I don't jibe with most people who look like me. My communication patterns have been sculpted by living in a "bad part" of New Orleans and an energetic country in Africa (not calm like Senegal; more like Nigeria).  I remember once driving to work there in Africa and having already a bad day and seeing people in a shouting argument about a fender bender and wanting to run my car into the mess so I could jump out and start shouting too.  Seriously there is very little that helps me move on like a rousing shouting match, in situations like that.  Stress builds and I need to vent.  All your healthy vents - yeah, they don't work at all.  

So anyway, I know how to yell, and I probably did.  I raised my voice when other voices were raised because I'm not some calm white person thinking I'm better than everyone else (which is my supervisor in Africa, and despite her being wonderful nobody trusted her).  I jump into any fray.  (This may also explain why my dog acts like this, always looking for a fight to jump into and fuck shit up.)

First to my supervisor, who seemed fine.  "Hey, I just wanted to be sure we're ok from our conversation yesterday ...." "What?  Huh?  Oh, that?  Oh lord, if we can't even disagree with each other, what are we anyway?"  

Then to the young man who called on something else and I said, "Hey, I want to be sure you know that I wasn't frustrated with you yesterday - " "What?  Oh, no.  NO, no, no.  I know.  We're all good."

Contrast this with my last two jobs where white people felt put upon if I said or did almost anything.  Their thin skins were exasperating.  

I'm not cut out for a world of fragile white people, and I have a glimmer of how people misinterpret the trope of "angry black woman."  Speaking up when things are wrong is somehow egregiously mean.  Ugh.  Fuck that.

Which is not to say that I always do, not at all.  I'm usually diplomatic and stay out of the mess, and I also don't usually push.  There is a woman I occasionally interact with who is extremely forceful and adamant, and she's kind of scary even to me.  She is fully that trope - a very intelligent person who will stand up and fight.  I do not have her will.  

But I have a little.  And I don't know how I can seriously consider moving to a predominantly white person place. I'll be upsetting everyone.  Ugh.  

And now I'm late to work.  Oops.

sketch

 I don't fear much and I've been super lucky, but I got spooked the other night.  I was dropping off bedding for a stranger who needed things and I got the heebie jeebies and got out of there as fast as I could.  I know the area is sketchy with moments of clarity (I had a classmate years back who was deep in the gutterpunk community and taught me much), but it wasn't just that.  Something made me know that something bad was there.  

A block away, a man beheaded a woman and her remains were stored in his bus.  This is in the news today.  No details about date of death or anything like that and we think we know who it was but we're not sure yet.  Many friends of friends are traumatized at losing their friend.  It's awful.  

This is not the first decapitation in this town.  Shortly after I moved here a man was found with a woman's head in his oven.  

I don't know that decapitation is worse than other things but it is horrifying.  I hope she did not suffer. 

And I will always trust my evil detecting senses and run.  

food fun with friends

 I have a new-ish coworker that I quite enjoy.  She's a tough as nails military veteran sort of type, very bright and no nonsense and cares. Today we got to talking and it turns out that we have mutual friends, including one that she's gotten plant medicine from - which I made and shared with him.  So we cut out the middle man and I brought her bottles of elderberry concentrate and bidens alba oxymel, and when I asked her if she wanted things from my garden she heartily agreed.  She deals with chronic pain and seeks relief in plants. 

I'm so excited! I like making and sharing!  I like talking about not work things with people.  I'll have her come over and help me dig up however much turmeric she wants and see what else I have that she wants to eat.  I want to plant new things in my garden beds this weekend so it's a good time to clear out a bunch of greens.  Eating turnips with greens tonight.  Plan to make a beet-potato salad soon.  Need to deal with the daikon monsters that produced waaaay earlier than the cabbage I'd wanted to ferment them with. 

time keeps moving forward

Friend last night asked "So when are your exams?  Like in March?"  Me: "Oh no, much sooner than that."  But then I looked at the calendar and realized that my goal of doing them over January 17th is clearly impossible.  Maybe I can do over February 21, but first I need my advisor to get back with me so we can nail everything down.  

I'm not just waiting on him.  I also need to finalize exam question proposals to send to him, and for that I need to review books I read years ago - or never read at all but I think should be on my reading list.  And today I really will focus back. Today is the day I turn a new leaf!  No, really.  I have to.  Because the calendar taunts me.

I'm coming up on a year back.  I've been back for eight months.  That's crazy.  It's also crazy that I don't have a fucking roof yet much less ceilings.  It stresses and distracts me.  I'm leaning hard on the roofer guy to get rolling.  To be fair, they have the same issues as everyone else - being sick, being stuck out of town, and also mortality I learned from a friend whom I'd recommended them to and then their salesman died.  But I want to be done with the roof.  Then the next 17 steps can follow.  

But also I need to stop wasting so much time.  Facebook, random internet searches, Netflix - I need a timer with electric shock to get me back focused.  So much time wasted every day.  I also waste a lot of time with agonizing over doing things rather than actually doing them.  LIke things to put away in the garage, vacuuming - I stare at the items requiring my attention and get worked up about it rather than just doing it.

So, 2022 is the year of just doing.  I was long a just doer and then I took a detour and I need to get back to that.  I also need to start walking my dog again every day, something I stopped doing because of off-leash dogs and aggressive owners causing me really intense anxiety.  I need to face it and own my space again.  I also probably need to do it at 5 am before others are out.  When not fraught, walking the dog is enjoyable to me and good for me.  She of course votes for a return to our habit that we had for her whole life and only just stopped after Ida.  I had a friend walk with me, trying to get over the anxiety - and he's a big guy and able to handle any physical situation including a dogfight or aggressive owner, but I still could not handle all of my anxiety about it.  Ultimately, the issue is this: my dog has already been reported in two different jurisdictions, including here.  Here, she was reported as aggressive for biting people - when the real issue was a dog biting her and that owner putting her knee between the biting.  That was a week after I got the dog, before I knew handling skills.  Fortunately the animal control officer was very reassuring, announcing "this is not an aggressive dog at all" and trying to figure out her psychology with me.  But nonetheless, there is that report on record.  I do not want her reported again.  I do not want consequences that come of that.  And so anxiety about potential consequences plagues me.  But I really miss walking my dog.  

Well, today I will take her to a quiet spot I found, where we rarely see other dogs.  We both relax in that space.  In fact, I'll do it now.  Because 2022 is the year of just doing.