communication

 Yesterday I went apologizing.

A nice young man had provided me with something and I had ranted about why I hadn't gotten it weeks earlier, when I should have, and about generally how the processes aren't working properly.  

And then I went to talk to my supervisor about different process problems and we got into a shouting match - she always wants to blame people and I always want to identify and fix problems.  Her assistant and I both strongly believe in the good in people and that if they are properly trained and supported with clear expectations that they will usually do what they are needed to do.  Our workplace though is much more sink or swim, with none of those things done, and then the blame game begins.  Truly brilliant people can shine through, but most normal people are still trying to find the bathroom and waiting for their email to be set up.  

I have taken it upon myself to try to welcome new people.  I can't change what's been going on or force people who've been there a long time to be friendly and helpful, but I can be a resource for at least new people trying to find their way.  I am super generous with information.  We have some excellent people who will jump ship if they are abused by people who think they should know things that they don't, and I want to try to avoid that happening.  It's not my job, but I can be a mensch.  And of course it benefits me, creating a much more enjoyable workplace.  We chat about things outside of work and we connect over our shared larger purposes (I'm in a department of one so it can be mighty lonely).  

Anyway, my supervisor believes we're in competition with each other and we must blame others to deflect to stay alive in the game.  If that's the game, I'm out.  This is the same supervisor who has a firm patronage system in place, with minions.  It's fascinating even as I'm pulled in.

But I do also stand out because I am one of very few white people.  Almost everyone is black, probably 90%, from leadership to custodian.  And for me, this is pretty comfortable.  I know there are things I don't understand and am not a part of, and I'm fine with outsider status.  

Because the thing is, I'm an outsider everywhere.  I don't jibe with most people who look like me. My communication patterns have been sculpted by living in a "bad part" of New Orleans and an energetic country in Africa (not calm like Senegal; more like Nigeria).  I remember once driving to work there in Africa and having already a bad day and seeing people in a shouting argument about a fender bender and wanting to run my car into the mess so I could jump out and start shouting too.  Seriously there is very little that helps me move on like a rousing shouting match, in situations like that.  Stress builds and I need to vent.  All your healthy vents - yeah, they don't work at all.  

So anyway, I know how to yell, and I probably did.  I raised my voice when other voices were raised because I'm not some calm white person thinking I'm better than everyone else (which is my supervisor in Africa, and despite her being wonderful nobody trusted her).  I jump into any fray.  (This may also explain why my dog acts like this, always looking for a fight to jump into and fuck shit up.)

First to my supervisor, who seemed fine.  "Hey, I just wanted to be sure we're ok from our conversation yesterday ...." "What?  Huh?  Oh, that?  Oh lord, if we can't even disagree with each other, what are we anyway?"  

Then to the young man who called on something else and I said, "Hey, I want to be sure you know that I wasn't frustrated with you yesterday - " "What?  Oh, no.  NO, no, no.  I know.  We're all good."

Contrast this with my last two jobs where white people felt put upon if I said or did almost anything.  Their thin skins were exasperating.  

I'm not cut out for a world of fragile white people, and I have a glimmer of how people misinterpret the trope of "angry black woman."  Speaking up when things are wrong is somehow egregiously mean.  Ugh.  Fuck that.

Which is not to say that I always do, not at all.  I'm usually diplomatic and stay out of the mess, and I also don't usually push.  There is a woman I occasionally interact with who is extremely forceful and adamant, and she's kind of scary even to me.  She is fully that trope - a very intelligent person who will stand up and fight.  I do not have her will.  

But I have a little.  And I don't know how I can seriously consider moving to a predominantly white person place. I'll be upsetting everyone.  Ugh.  

And now I'm late to work.  Oops.