taking offense

 When I stopped on the way back from dog walk to my 2nd favorite store in town to pick up green onions and half and half and kumquats, the fellow gave me a senior discount.  We didn't discuss it or anything, I just noticed it pop up after my credit card had run through.    

I was so struck that I just called the store and confirmed that yes, I am eight years away from qualifying.

If this isn't damning evidence of my poor health, I don't know what is.  Sheesh.  I mean obviously the cashier could have just been feeling generous, and I definitely do arrive in very shoddy clothing and look poor because I'm going to wear out these exercise clothes until they are just threads and I'm coming from a dog walk.  But it's still astounding and yes, I'm offended.  I mean ... not so offended that I'm going back to the store and demanding that they take back their 54 cents ... but, yes.   

Dog walk was fine, no dogs in sight, so no drama.  It's in the low to mid 50s with cloud cover, which is perfect for me and the dog.  I'm now enjoying a lentil-potato burrito, realizing yet again that I need to make my own tortillas, I just find it hard to roll them out well.  It would be healthier and cheaper to make them from scratch, but here we are.  I have been seeing FB reels and such about making my own tofu and I just do not have the bandwidth for that now.  I made yogurt last night, I'll bake sourdough next weekend, I cook everything from scratch and grow and preserve much of my own food.  I do not have the bandwidth to take on making my own tofu at this point.  When retired, yes, certainly.  

One thing that makes it more possible to move to a small town without all the healthfood stores like I enjoy now is Azure Standard. which has drops nearly everywhere it seems.  I learned about it in rural communities and also ordered while in New Orleans, and it's kind of a funky thing and not really cheap, but it's still a good source of soybeans and various other things that can be hard to source.  I've spent a lot of my life without access to the sort of specialized things I like now (four kinds of lentils!  All day, every day!), but there are now workarounds like Azure. 

**

So, the neighborhood potluck was nice.  It was a small group this time, they plan to grow it.  glad I got to be in it from the beginning.  They're thinking monthly, and I'm down for that.  It was mostly nice to hang with the person I talk to through the fence, and to meet their dog in person, and to bribe that dog to not be so mad at me all the time through the fence.  She seemed to like me, but when they told me that the dog tends to bite older women, I kept my distance.  What with the senior discount and all.  The food was pretty good and people appreciated my last squash.  I ate too many cheese biscuits.  

and then in a serendipitous moment, as I approached my front door I heard someone call my name.  Someone I know from work recognized me from the distance, and I got to meet her baby.  Can't believe she's been gone from work so long, but that baby is really stinking cute, so smiley.  He's approaching six months and the first food they're going to feed him is bone marrow.  First time I'd heard of that - I'm used to hearing about rice cereal and things like that.  Learn something new every day.  

So, some days, I feel a little web of connection, which is nice.

Still not ready to go back to work though.  

medical care

 Since moving here, I have been seriously underwhelmed with the quality and availability of medical providers.  The only place i could get into, they keep assigning me to brand-new nurses who leave.  Inexperienced people who do not understand complex medical issues, and it's very frustrating.  The most recent one keeps trying to push drugs onto me, which are totally unnecessary.  Like, she says my blood pressure is high.  Um ... your office it measuring it wrong.  When my feet are not flat, I'm leaning forward, arm not supported, and I need to pee - yeah, that elevates it.  WHY THE FUCK WOULD I GO ON MEDS FOR THAT.  Or i happened to be going in for an appointment and I had the sniffles, very likely from allergies.  She was giving me all this medication information and Im' like, dude, IT PASSES.  I DRINK TEA.  "Add honey," blah blah blah. No.  Herbal tea is what I need, not added sugar.  Like, just let healthy things be.  

So I've had one good experience at that clinic, with an experienced nurse.  But she's not assigned to me, so I have to keep getting shitty care - if I go, which of course I don't, because it's shitty care.  

I would love to find a different doctor but I hit deadends everywhere.  I have very good insurance, and the only place they say available for me to go to without having to drive 30 miles to a different town, is a community health center set up for low-income people.  I'm not taking care away from somebody who doesnt' have other options, come on.  

Every time I call other providers, they say they're not accepting new patients.  Often I have to wait on hold for hours to be told that.  

I will say that I've been fine with specialty providers.  Like, radiology was awesome.  What was frustrating was that I got no information afterwards yet, which should be a PCP responsibility. 

If I had an actual qualified physician to see, I'd try again because I'm so tired of being sick.  But I'm going to see someone straight from nursing school who acts like she gets a bonus with every prescription written?  Fuck that.  

I should have changed health insurance, but when I was looking around, providers aren't accepting ANY patients, no matter the insurance.  The exception is the concierge model where I pay hundreds a month for a doctor on retainer, but why do I have to do that?  I have really good insurance!  PLus, I went to meet one and I was underwhelmed with the whole experience.  

They all just seem to want plug and play diseases - run a quick test, get a diagnosis, write a prescription.  It's about at satisfying and accurate as AI.  I've seen some really good doctors throughout my life, mostly in Louisiana and abroad, and none here.   

So I'm on my own, again, still.  I think the issue is inflammation - when I read that tree pollen can cause inflammatory cytokines, and it's been high when I've been feeling ill, that makes sense.  And my "clean" food consumption has helped with brain fog, an inflammation issue, so I do think that matters and I stick with it even though my body doesn't seem to want to lose weight.  The next two things to focus on: sleep and movement.  Unfortunately I cannot stop being in a stressful job, but I can try to prioritize sleep better, and get back into a movement routine especially with qi gong and the like.  

** 

Speaking of "clean" eating, I ate lentils three times yesterday and that may have been my tipping point.  For breakfast was a "protein biscuit" which is mostly cooked red lentils then baked with vegetables and such; lunch was the last bowl with sweet potatoes, black lentils, turnip greens, carrots, pumpkin seeds, and tahini dressing; dinner was one brown lentil-potato burrito in a whole wheat tortilla and raw red cabbage-garbanzo-peanut salad; mid-day snack was apple-raspberry crumble (low-sugar) with yogurt.  That's a lot of fiber, but I usually eat a lot of fiber, so I think it was allll the lentils that made my intestines feel overwhelmed.  Also maybe I needed to drink more water.  I'm not great with hydration.  I did have a couple cups of tea - green in the morning and herbal at night.  Sometimes I toy with giving up coffee, but the research is clear that there are health benefits to it, and I just have the one cup a day (it's a large cup but not enormous - I think it's about 15 oz).  The half and half I put in it is probably the least healthy part of it, but I consider that saturated fat in my intake.  I'm significantly reducing my cheese and butter consumption, and the yogurt I make is with reduced fat milk (1 or 2%).  

OK, it's Sunday now and the dog is ready to get out.  Let's see if that new battery is still starting the truck up so nice as it was on Friday.  Coffee nearly done, get dressed, head out.  PIck up green onions on the way home.  I've got zucchini thawed to make muffins, and yesterday I made the fruit paste I'll use to sweeten them - 1/3 dates, 1/3 green plums, 1/3 tangy purple plums which actually aren't sweet but I'm sure they're healthy because they're such a vibrant color.  Clean the house, do the laundry.  Try to finish the book I'm just not getting into.  Qi gong.  Cut up my final squash of the year and roast, then cook yet more lentils, to take to the neighbor dinner.   

Scale says that I gained 0.6 pounds last week, which I do struggle to understand but can't get upset enough about to get derailed.  I eat for health, not to be thin.  I do understand that obesity increases inflammation, but I am not going to starve myself to get to a "normal" weight.  

A colleague asked for coverage on Friday because her child's daycare is closed.  I have zero sense of Easter and all that, but what I do know is that the bakery near the office (which is very good, if quite spendy) makes hot cross buns on Good Friday, or at least it has in the past.  I dont know if I can get only one, but I may be there bright and early to try before they sell out.  And that's how I eat treats - as occasional and special, and in moderation.   

OK, the dog wins, off we go to walk.  

jars

 It may be the silliest fixation, but I love reusing jars.  When I have a bunch of empty jars because I used up what was in them and am washing to use again, I feel so satisfied.  Whether that's from canning or storage of bulk foods, it doesn't matter.  It's just the reducing packaging consumption and not exposing to plastic that thrills me so, as well as the indication that I've been eating healthy things.

 I also get a kick from saving money.  I got three half-gallon thermoses on clearance for $5 each, and I am just so tickled.  They are the perfect size for car camping trips and easy to manage.  And I noticed that car batteries are finally on sale but of course what I need is out of stock, so a raincheck.  I'll be back to save $10.  And I treated myself with some headphones for my phone.  If I'm going to be walking more, I want headphones.  Maybe i'll start listening to audiobooks.  Probably not, but podcasts are good, news stories.  I used to listen to BBC Network Africa all the time when I went to the gym, loving that rooster call and the happy memories it brought back from my time in West Africa and mornings waking up on a refugee camp.  Back in the days before cell phones and all this advanced technology, with my little MP3 player, I'd download the programming.  Anyway, the headphones were $29.99, and highly reviewed, so not budget busting and can be helping me with a healthy lifestyle.  Maybe I'd also listen to calming sounds in stressful times at the office.  It's all possible now.  

The walk was fine though I doubt I'll return - it's by busy streets and I very much did not like that noise.  Headphones would have helped.  

Oh, I figured out what to do with the turkey meat - I'll make a big batch of posole, and save some for myself and THEN add the turkey meat and share all of that.  Boom, winning.  Got some poblano peppers on sale for it. 

The walk definitely did not make me feel better.  Now I hurt and I'm tired.  i'll be ok.  Still glad I went.  Would like to build up my stamina.  

Oooo, I may have figured out what to do with shredded zucchini - these protein biscuits could be a nice breakfast.  I can also use up a jar of nutritional yeast and a jar of sundried tomatoes to make them, which delights me even more.  

And, if I make the posole I'm planning, then i will get to go to Costco because I'm out of onions.  I'm coming for you, my favorite tofu!!  

**

Well it's Sunday now and I feel even worse.  Now my throat hurts, too.  It might be a cold or flu, but it might also be allergens and I need to be better about showering and laundering after being outside with the tree pollen.  Well, I'll launder today, and the other cleaning things.  I'll have to summon the energy.  The dog walk will be short.  Unfortunately Monday is a very packed day that I cannot call in sick for.  

Yesterday I didn't have much energy and spent a ton of time scrolling on Facebook.  I'm not doomscrolling or anything - my feed is curated to more interesting things, like whole foods and historically factual stories about people I didn't know, often inspiring.   

Anyway, I came upon this intentional community in Hawaii which has me veeerrrry interested.  The model appeals to me in many ways - being fully off-grid, doing more with less, growing the food, a simple inexpensive life, shared meals and land, etc.  It's been around for a couple of decades and so some of the lessons have been learned but they're continuing to be learned.  It requires a level of communication and community engagement that I'm not skilled at but could potentially learn, once i detox from the antagonistic stressful life that currently consumes me.  I've read a bit and watched some videos, and I think perhaps the thing that would be most challenging at least at first would be the sogginess.  It's a wet area and so humid all the time even when not raining.  But I could find out!  Also, there is so. much. fruit.  I don't eat so much fruit anymore, focusing much more on vegetables and legumes, so I'd have to see how that works for my health.  I think the steps I would take are once there's no more dog, go spend a week there.  Then after retirement, spend a month.  See how it goes, engage.  Gradually extend the time and see if membership in the community is what I'd like and they'd like.  I'm not everyone's cup of tea for sure and that's fine.  If all agree that I would join, there is a cash buy-in to the land, and then eventually I'd probably want to build my own little home, a sleeping and retreat place because the kitchen is a large shared space and the bathrooms are outhouses (humanure), and that would become part of the community.  It could potentially be a final place for me to be if all were to go well, but it also could be for just a few years, and I wouldn't have put myself into a bad financial spot because the costs are low.  It sounds like my social security would more than cover all my needs, and I could start a little cottage industry perhaps of some sort.  Or not.  I could just do the daily pitching in with work parties, and cooking, and the life things.  It sounds frankly fantastic.  I could have so many of the things that I want without having the full responsibility for them, such as chickens.  

oh, my local discount store just posted a deal that I think is an error - a very low price for a 100' hose that is lighter to manage.  I thought I saw them for more like $60 on the shelves, but this is for $15.  OK, I'll get one and make sure I get the right thing, and try it out, and if I like it get another.  Watering is such a huge pain in my ass, but part of that is because of the heavy hoses in poor condition (which I got for free, so I'm not complaining).   

Scale says I'm down 0.6 pounds.  I'll take it.  That's the second lowest weight I've tracked - it was lower once in February but I think that's when I had a stomach issue.  So, still making progress.   

 Ok, so I did some more research on the intentional community, and I now have two red flags: volcano eruptions and rats.  I'm less concerned about lava than I am about bad quality.  I remember the ash from Mt. St. Helens - it's no joke.  My lungs have zero tolerance for that.  And rats ... I saw a mention of it on an old newsletter, and then talk of snail infestation, and ... rat lungworm is no fucking joke.  I say this as somebody whose quality of life DRASTICALLY deteriorated as a result of tropical diseases.  

**

Oof, what an exhausting day at work, and I didn't sleep well, and the dog woke me too early to bark, and ugh.  

I think I may need to start checking my blood sugar because it just seems so low when I get so rundown, but maybe it's not.  Maybe it's something else.

I am though treating myself to dinner with potatoes and sausage and cabbage (from my garden and chopped & frozen) and sour cream (mostly cabbage, to use it all up and because it's always the star).  This is comfort food for sure.  I wanted a bit of kielbasa, but what was sold to me as kielbasa was not, so we'll see if it's any good.  Can't go wrong with potatoes and cabbage, though.  Yum.  Oh, and then, some jarred pears.  I've still got a dozen or so jars to use up, and pear season will be here again before I know it - and they are hard to share because they're usually messed up in some way, not supermarket quality.  

So, I overcooked the potatoes and/or they aren't the ones I like.  I did buy them at the supermarket, and so just because it's organic at the supermarket doesn't mean it's farmers market quality.  It's not.  But, it's fine.  And I'm not crazy about the frozen cabbage, but hey, I'm using up what I grew, so that's good.  Sometimes when I've made this I roast the potatoes because that's my fave, but I was using one pan for everything today.  Why?  No real reason.  Just because. 

I did have a "protein biscuit" (made with red lentils) and it was ok.  Next time I need to make them smaller because the outside is way better than the inside.  And I wasn't hungry until lunchtime, when I came home and ate tofu and squash.  I was still hungry so had a slice of peanut butter toast, before heading back out to work.  And then came home exhausted and starving.  

Just made some turmeric tea; had green tea earlier.  Trying to consume some anti-inflammatories to see what they can do.  But I still feel crappy and I know this feeling - the only thing that's going to help me feel better is sugar.  Pulled a slice of chocolate peanut butter tofu pie from the freezer; it's pretty low sugar for what it is, relatively speaking, in part because they are pretty small pieces.  Hopefully enough to get me feeling human again.   

Oh wow, that's like kind of amazing, it's a switch flipping.  I feel waaaay better thanks to half a piece of this pie.  I mean, I still have a cold or whatevs, but the brain fog is vanished after a whole day of stuck brain.  

**

OK, a day of working from home, drinking tea, and not running around has helped.  Here's hoping I'm rounding the bend.  Making posole tonight I think.  Not the turkey for me, though.  Yuck.  

Oh, not bad, in less than 1.5 hours, I cooked up the posole and had a vegetarian bowl for me and one  bowl into my fridge, then added in the turkey and heated it up and distributed that out for three containers, and into the community refrigerator - which was unfortunately totally bare.  

I've started this new process of just packing everything up and into the fridge right away.  No waiting for it to cool to optimal temperature - it's just pop it in.  For some reason, psychologically that makes clean up so much easier for me, because I did that step like while my plated food was cooling, so it's one less step. That makes me more likely to do the dishes right away as well - which makes it a lot more likely that they don't sit waiting until tomorrow, which stresses me out to see them.  I'm also extremely proud of myself for my pattern of recognizing the correct container matching the quantity.  I don't always get it right, but I do quite often (even if I have to put some pressure on the lid to close all the way sometimes).  

Down to three heads of garlic from my garden in the pantry and I'm in mourning.  I could figure out better storage though - it's sprouting and showing brown spots.  It's still so much better than I buy in a grocery store though.  Will be growing even more next year (the current crop was actually less, because I thought I'd grown too much, but now I know).  (Also, if I grow too much, I can always give it away, freeze it, or powder it - lots to do with it.)   

Anyway, I just love that posole recipe from Publix via Ms. Moon.  Always hits the spot.  Nothing quite like hominy for me.  And at least three more people also get to enjoy it. 

I tried to move around my countertop kitchen appliances a bit today but realized it won't work.  I was seeing photos of other people's kitchens and saw that mine isn't TINY.  It just feels small to me.  On the countertops are cutting boards, toaster oven, knife block, water filter, coffee grinder, and kettle.  I tried fitting the toaster, water, coffee grinder, and kettle all in one little place but it very much did not work - though in the process I put all but the largest cutting boards into a drawer and that's nice.  Next time the carpenter is here I think I'll get him to hang the knife strip to get rid of the knife block.  I know it's not much space, but still.  I'm definitely NOT to the stage of needing to add a shelf to the end of my counters, I just want things to fit as well as possible and provide the most openness for me.  I often have things air drying on the countertops, and the butter dish, and a glass I'm drinking from, and a cloth napkin, and whatever I plan to cook next (currently black lentils are on my countertop with the pan I'll cook them in, just to keep me motivated to try that plan).  

Dang, it is so nice to be feeling better.  I hope this sticks, and that I can also knock off work on time tomorrow to make my elaborate bowl I'm imagining - roast sweet potato, cook black lentils, saute turnip greens, shred carrots, pick fava greens, toss on pumpkin seeds, mix tahini dressing.  Doesn't that sound good?  It's just a lot of steps.   

**

Since that post, I was feeling awful again, and now I'm better.  IT does seem that the less work stress there is, the better I feel.  Shocking, I know.

Lentils are simmering, sweet potato roasting, carrots shredded, onion chopped for turnip greens; I'm here to look up good seasoning for vegan greens.  No ham hock in these parts.  

So, it turned out ok.  Not crazy about the black lentils for this purpose, they were too dry.  and I made the tahini dressing with too much mustard.  But, it was a lot of chewing, which is satiating.  It was just way too much work to make essentially five dishes for just one meal.  It will be much better in the future when I already have some of the things prepared as leftovers.  

OK, I'm planning to buy a shit-ton at Costco tomorrow.  My favorite tofu is there, and inexpensive onions and sweet potatoes; I'll check the frozen salmon, coconut water (I like in summer) and pistachios are on sale, and so many good things ... 

A coworker gave me a thank you note and treats today, including chocolates.  I was so proud of myself - I ate one chocolate and then gave all the others away.  Got to catch up with a staff person who's back from parental leave, whom I really like.  Another staff person asked if I'd give her a recommendation for a promotion (which I successfully did for the one I got to see today), and of course, especially if she's assigned to me.  Also got email from former staff in Louisiana asking me for a recommendation, also of course.  I don't feel that positively about everybody, but these people I do.  Though, the former staff in Louisiana has moved and ... she doesn't meet the qualifications of the job she sent to me.  I don't need to correct her.  If she asks, I'll tell her, but otherwise I'll just encourage her in her job search.  We became good friends.  She is somebody who really has friendship-building and maintaining skills - she prioritizes that, with people she likes.  I have to respect her for it because I am really shitty at that.  She's encouraging me to move where she's moved to, and I'll add it to my list of places to check out.  She's grousing about the cost and difficulty buying houses there, but they're less than here, and I'd have a cash offer, which can help.  Also, I don't need to buy a house right away when I sell this one - I have lots of visiting to do.  

**

It's Friday, finally, yay.  Dog is happy, I'm happy.  I know I need to go to the protest tomorrow but it's further away in another town; contemplating if I take my bike to a bus and hitch a ride, or if I join a group on the bike paths to get there.  It's further than I usually bike, and then I have to walk, so, I dunno.  I don't want to kill myself at the beginning of the weekend.  But near to the protest in the other town is a Mexican market I've been wanting to go to - i saw excellent prices on spices, and a large bowl I was eyeing, and I think I saw a sign for homemade tortillas, and maybe I can get a good lunch there.  We had walked past at night when i took Friend to an event in that town, and I just don't go there usually.  

I do feel a bit better.  It may have to do with the vacuum cleaner - it had a smell from an "odor neutralizer" that was heavy perfume.  I started to feel better when I moved it out to the garage, and today I returned it to Costco and I definitely feel better having it out of my house.  Maybe I'm becoming that sensitive to smells?  It is possible, for sure.  I also returned the shitty car battery to Costco and got a bit of money refunded; it was so nice once I put the new battery in this morning to have it work so well.  No jumpstarting, no dead when I turn the key, no grinding.  If I just have to buy a new car battery every year, I guess that's not the end of the world, it's just annoying.  

I might go early to the bike rally because the meet is not too far from work - so I could feasibly swing by the farmers market, stash things in my office, and swing back buy.  I'll need to decide before I go though as I have to dig out access cards and such.  It would be a long day.  And no, I don't want to drive to the protest becuase I'll probably have to park far away and walk and ... my feet are not doing great.  Lotta pain.  Walking not good.

So, I did go to Costco and ... damn food is just expensive, especially if I don't want pesticide residue, which I'm trying to reduce these days.  I quit buying their dog food because it's manufactured by right-wing nutjobs, but it's my dog's favorite.

This will sound silly but I am legit mourning that I am on my last winter squash.  That has been a staple for months, cooked just about every week, the carbohydrate bedrock to many things, and one of the tastiest things I've even eaten.  I plan to cook it on S/unday for the neighborhood potluck, with lentils and pomegranate molasses and feta and pumpkins seeds - my favorite dish, which I will nto get to enjoy for another half a year.  But the other thing that I mourn the loss of is having that healthy food source on hand without having to spend money on it.  I thought I'd stock up on some organic sweet potatoes as the next foundation like that, but none to be found.  Plus, big ag just skeeves me out.  I read an article about "big carrot" - the carrot grower powerhouses that bullied locals over water rights through bad faith legal processes.  Dude, I don't want to support people and companies like that, at all.  My carrots are locally grown, I got a big bag the last week they'd be available, and I've been working my way through them.  I've planted peas - both shelling and pod - but it'll be awhile until they grow.  Next year, I plan to grow more over winter because the beds are pretty bare.  The arugula bolted ages ago, not a good variety for here, I'd say.  I think I saw turnip greens in under them so it'd be worth cleaning that up to see if there are turnip roots and greens to eat (though I'll be eating on the turnip greens I cooked last night for another couple of days).  Roasted turnips would make me very happy, though I'm not getting my hopes up because the last ones I pulled had been heavily eaten by critters and woody.  But the greens look good.  

Just checked my freezer list and my pantry, and I do still have some green beans and shredded zucchini to eat up, and some frozen cubed squash, and then my garden produced vegetables will be done.  Oh, but I do still have dehydrated cucumbers which I eat like chips, they're quite tasty indeed, and the dog agrees.  I don't eat many of them at a time.  And there's still fruit - just popped open another jar of free pears.  My pear tree is my pride and joy - I never water or fertilize it, but it gives me the best fruit.  And maybe the green plums will produce again this year; last year the aphids destroyed them all.  So tasty.  But of course, that won't start for months.  Things are just leafing now.  

Next year I can water down the juice even more for the pears.  I don't like canning them in just plain water, so I did juice/water mix.  

Just went to the garage to grab the final squash to put into the kitchen.  It's so gorgeous and I want to enjoy it until I slice and roast it on Sunday.  I'll take about 2/3 to the potluck, and the other 1/3 I'll roast to eat with leftover "stuffing" that I eat with squash, and which I froze.  I also plan to make lentil potato burritos, and red cabbage garbanzo salad.  I think with the frozen zucchini, I'll just thaw, drain, and saute it with onion.  See if it tastes good that way.  Maybe I can skip farmers market tomorrow.   

**

Oof, this flesh is weak.  I'm not going to be able to get my weary bones moving to protest today.  I stayed up a bit too late, and the dog had me up too early (she probably needed to puke, or maybe bathroom - she wasn't out long and she didn't bark at all, per the terms of our agreement).  I'm wiped out and need a weekend to recover.

I need to find my place within the revolution.  I read some challenges to the meaningfulness of these protests by people who are doing the much heavier lifting - we're all staying in our comfort zones and nothing is really happening.  That's fair.  And now i can't even do that without making myself very ill.  Well, I have about an hour to decide if I can make it or not, maybe I'll walk around the yard and see if that can inspire me.  The dog just wants me outside with her all the time, so sad when I want to come back inside.  Fill up the bike tires with air, take a shower, see if I can start to feel better.  The air quality monitor website says the pollen count is low, the air quality good.  Everything external is good to go - I do really want to bike on these routes that I don't know, expand my mind mapping, and I very much want to show up to protest this regime.  It's just my body that's the weak link.  I just hate how sick I get when I push myself too hard.  If I were retired this would be NBD - I wouldn't be running on fumes already from a too stressful job.  But my body's gas tank is already well below 1/4 tank, and I have to do things this weekend to feel better for the week ahead - prepare food, clean house and do garden chores, and be able to socialize appropriately with neighbors tomorrow (which is hard when I'm in pain).  Sigh.   I also have no real peer pressure here - nobody to buddy up with and people aren't very friendly.  I've tried volunteering for a variety of roles and have been thwarted in various ways.  So these are lonely events, which is weird.  

OK, even with a Costco run, my food budget for the month is right around $300.  I may pick up a few more things this weekend, such as green onions and sparkling water, but I'm mostly set with meals for the week.  

I'm contemplating investing in a better quality vacuum, such as a Miele or Sebo.  Those are both wicked expensive, but I'm tempted.  I'm tired of shitty vacuums.  I have Friend's old vacuum and it is really hard to manage.  I want a small canister one I think.  And I probably want the bag type - I have liked saving money with the bagless, but air quality is such a concern for me now.  

Walked the yard and I don't see enough space now for more fruit trees.  I'd love an apricot and cherry but, without taking out garden row space which I don't want to do right now, things would get too tight in part because I've already planted to fill in and those things are going to keep growing.   

sick

 So, it started with a deep dive into artery health.  Something at 10:20 pm got me obsessed with how to not have my arteries get inflexible, and I kept diving. And then, I realized my GI tract was not pleased with me, and I couldn't sleep no matter the trick I tried.  It wasn't a perseveration, it was a upset upper intestine.  more like inflamed and throbbing than screaming with pain, but still not fun.  Couldn't sleep, couldn't sleep, then I finally fell asleep and the dog came charging in to announce it was her turn for GI distress and she HAD to go outside.  To her credit, she did not bark, but she was out there a damn long time searching for grass and puking.  Was it her being too empathetic, or did we both react badly to something I'd prepared?  Maybe the cassava flour?  I don't know, but I feel like crap, and MOnday was long, and I don't imagine how I can go camping in a few days.  

 Note: my blood pressure read as 140/78.  That systolic can go high when I don't take it correctly, but once I stopped leaning forward and peed, it clocked at 118/74.  I'm fine.  I'll start planning to check it a couple of times per months, just to be sure.  

**

Got my electricity bill and while the dollar amount is slightly less, the usage has gone down.  But before I applaud myself too loudly, I think that the bathroom remodel was still underway for part of that timeframe last year - looks like they finished around 2/20/25.  They ran the baseboard and wall heat units which are electricity hogs (which is one reason why I got my ductless units - the other reason is of course getting AC because summers are fucking hot now at times and this house doesn't seem to be oriented great).  

Woke up earlier than I have been, before 6:30.  Laid there for awhile, but then I got up and now I have milk heating to make yogurt, making a start to the day.  I'm just really REALLY wanting to go out camping this week.  I do feel much better than yesterday, funny how a night's sleep can do that (and lack of stomach issues), though my feet are not great.  It's not just that they hurt, it's that they lock up as well.  But if I keep to easier, flatter trails and don't try to take on the tough ones this trip, it could be ok ... and i'll take Voltaren if the pain is too much, and ... yes, I just really want to get out.  I don't even need to buy much to prep, just some crackers to eat with tuna, some gas.  I've got everything else on hand.  

**

Thank goodness I feel better today.  Just got the potatoes planted, some greens and root vegetables.  I see the peas are coming up, yay.  I still want to get a few more things planted, but maybe not today, some more carrots and lettuce.   Then I wait awhile ... maybe plant the things I have started inside, but for direct planting I'll wait until mid-May for beans, squash, and cucumbers.  

**

Oof, was packing up last night making plans to go camp, but I woke up this morning and am not feeling up to it.  I don't want a shitty camping trip, that's less than zero fun.  And the destination is three hours away, so definitely not something I want to do as a day trip.  Well, maybe I'll find someplace else to go closer for now.  that destination is still #1 on my list, just maybe not right now.   Now that I better understand my foot issues, I want to see how far I can push without being immobilized.  

Yeah, I like that plan.  The problem is that on a weekend it feels like just one more errand, so I need to rearrange my thinking about that.  Maybe try to do my errands and chores on the weekdays and take weekends for more leisure?  Yeah, I dunno.   

**

Proud of myself - my food spending is low, and I ate all my leftovers this week.  Finished up black bean tacos for lunch, and I just cooked salmon and fava pesto for dinner and will have for lunch tomorrow.  Pulled out the barley and red lentils to make Jacob's stew tomorrow for dinner.  And then I'll make tofu and squash, need to get the tofu in the freezer, and it's my penultimate squash ... nearing the end of a very happy era of eating regular winter squash that is SO tasty.  Then ... not sure what.  Oh, maybe tuna with peas - I have some green onions to use up that I like with that.  Maybe minestrone and use up some frozen and canned vegetables?  I just haven't really been feeling minestrone.  I have been craving lentil shepherds pie but I kind of want to wait until my Costco run to see if there are organic potatoes for a good price.  I don't generally eat a lot of potatoes these days so it's always a fun challenge to find more things to eat with potatoes before they turn bad.  Not going on the Costco run until I'm out of onions, but that's soon-ish.  Probably some more beans and grains something something.  Maybe black lentils and black barley?  Oh, I have a sweet potato I need to use up ... maybe a black bean sweet potato chili?  That I could put into the crockpot on a busy day?  Hmm ... it is warm now so hard to think about chili, but it's going to cool off again soon.  Eyeing the quinoa and olives for something on warm days, but that's in the future for summer foods.  Oh, plot twist ... maybe I'll use that squash and tofu to make a curry with greens and maybe garbanzos too.  Or maybe next weekend with the last squash.  

Last night I was watching the TV show High Potential, which, I'll be honest, I'm not crazy about.  I LOOOOVE the French version, so this feels like a cheap knockoff.  THOUGH I do like the lead actors, so I don't dish it.  But last night it got me in the feels when the daughter, Ava, went to her mother's coworker, Daphne, to talk about how to navigate the world as a Black woman.  Something about that I found so touching, maybe the chosen family and support aspect.  I like that there's no tension between the characters (usually), they just like and respect each other.  and it's very diverse - Latino, Black, Turkish, whatever Kaitlin Olsen is.   Steve Howey can go away though.  

**

Kind of proud of myself for will power at the office.  I got super hungry mid-morning and remembered I had nuts and dried fruit in my backpack, so I ate that.  Skipped lunch and then stopped at a good bakery on the way home by bike, but nothing they had really spoke to me so I walked out empty-handed, then came home and ate the leftover salmon and fava pesto, and soon I'll make barley lentil stew for dinner.  I like when my food budget is underspent, let's me get some stock up things at Costco (like salmon, as I cooked the last of it).  

Oof, I'm glad I didn't go out camping because I am definitely under the weather.  Yikes.  I feel so crappy.  I did get the lentil barley soup going but now I have to sit down because yuck.  The dog is following me everywhere, too closely, hopefully that's not a sign of something bad.  

Took my blood pressure because I thought maybe the stress was increasing it, but the reading was 106 over 62.  Took it several more times and the highest was 114 over 73, so definitely not high blood pressure.  I have had serious low blood pressure when sick, I remember that with COVID, the doctor threatening to hook me to an IV if I wouldn't drink hydration salts.  

So i should drink some tea and hope to feel better soon.  I will be so bummed if my weekend is burned on feeling like crap. 

The other thing I did before collapsing was clean out my freezer drawer.  It was dirty with some spills (peanut husks, strawberry juice), so I just did it after it bothered me a bit.  I don't expect to live in a sterile environment, but taking on these tasks one by one is reasonable and makes me happier.  I'd previously wiped down my fridge shelves so that also doesn't bother me now.  

The only surprising thing I found in the freezer that I'd forgotten about was a bag of frozen turkey meat.  I had ambitiously cooked a turkey from a free group and made meals to share in the community refrigerator with the meat.  But factory farmed met is really disgusting to me and I don't know that I can do it again.  Maybe.  We'll see.  I haven't been putting much into the community fridge lately.   

**

OK, it's Saturday and I feel crappy.  Everything hurts and my eyes are really uncomfortable.  I'm wondering if this is allergies, which now would be tree pollen.  I always think of allergies as just sneezing, but maybe it's this.  I did feel worse after bicycling.  I wonder if I should be masking as I bike?  

I got pulled into retirement Youtube and damn it seems like I should retire sooner than later.  and maybe I will.  Even that would be 25 months away, so i still have a lot to get through.  

It rained last night so maybe the air is cleaner now.  So it is reported.  Maybe I can drag myself to a short walk that I've been wanting to do and a couple of errands, nothing too crazy.   

Speaking of crazy, that's how the dog is making me.  She's wanting something from me that I am not giving.  This morning she woke me up whining then just got into bed with me and anytime I'd stop petting her she'd start whining again.  She can be clingy but this is next level.   She really wants me to go outside with her so I'll do that at least.  She'll get her walk tomorrow.  

My goal is to see what I can do about walking and if I can avoid midfoot arthritis surgery.  The more weight I lose, the less pressure there is on my feet, and the less inflammation, the less arthritis pain.  (Making green tea right now, focused on reducing inflammation.)  I know for sure that walking up and down stairs for work has made walking extremely painful, so how about a slow and steady mostly flat build up, and less pain can be a motivation for more weight loss?   

Focusing back to food, I need to figure out how to use a lot of frozen shredded zucchini.  I'd frozen bags of it to use in muffins throughout the year, but I'm actually not eating as many muffins as I would have expected to.  I wonder about maybe eating them for breakfast; they're generally whole fruit or vegetable sweetened, and I can add nuts and seeds for increased protein, and of course they're whole grain so even more fiber.  That would be a nice grab and go breakfast and better to get vegetables with breakfast rather than the cheese toast I have often.  But regardless of my muffin plans, I still need to figure out using the rest of the shredded zucchini.  Maybe I could put it in the lentil shepherds pie I'm hoping to make soon, and more casseroles like that.  That could be a good plan, because I don't think it's great for sauteeing or starring in a dish once it's been frozen like it is when fresh.  I'm also focused on eating down the turnip greens I froze ...  and I do think that tomorrow will be some kind of bowl experiment.  Possibly a grain (I've got heaps - brown rice, quinoa, bulgur, barley, black barley, millet, ...), but definitely black lentils and sauteed turnip greens and I think maybe roasted sweet potato, and some shredded raw carrots and sunflower seeds and maybe a tahini lemon dressing.  That sounds good to me.  I think I need to get more creative using what I have.  There's also fava greens from the garden from some more raw greens.  I saw this image on Facebook last night and it kind of inspires me. 

  

 My neighbors are having a potluck next Sunday, and there's the protest on Saturday.  That's a lot in a weekend.  I need to be feeling better.  

OK, plan for today.  I need to finish this green tea, get dressed, give the dog a tasty treat as I walk out the door, go to the little walk I've been wanting to do, stop at the grocery store, do some cooking, clean the house, read.   

camping?

 Out where I want to go camping and hiking, there is a freakish warmth later this week.  High to mid 70s, lows in mid 40s, no rain forecast.  I'm toying with taking off Thursday and Friday from work to go out.  Checking with Friend if she can keep the dog, checking the work calendar for anything urgent.  I think I might be able to pull it off.  I may start pulling out gear, thinking about food planning (spoiler: it's tuna and crackers, my usual camp food).  I just saved the plastic bottle from the pomegranate molasses that I used up, for half & half on a camp trip.  

What will I need?  Tent, sleeping bag, sleep pad, pillow, hat, gloves.  Watch?  I do like to digital detox, where did I put that watch that needs the new battery?  I have magazines and books to read, get out the reading light, charge up batteries for flashlights.  Campstove and pot and coffee making, food for a day or two, camp chair, camp table.  I have to schlep the camping gear to walk in, so backpack or bags to carry gear.  

Oh, I still have the camping prep list I made six months ago when I planned to make this trip, though had to cancel because of forest fires.  Oh, I need to confirm the roads are all good, no ice.   

Friend is confirmed to watch the dog, and I'm not seeing anything on my calendar that I can't reschedule for Thursday/Friday.  Already started grabbing the gear - except for things like freezing the ice packs, I could probably be packed and out the door in an hour.  I charged up my Fitbit as it's a watch too, though it does give me alerts from my phone so maybe it's not the best.  I stopped using it some time ago as I really don't like the alerts and such coming through and buzzing me.  

Oh, randomly as looking if my library has ereaders to borrow (not seeing that they do), I see that I can get a user card for a nearby university.  Great!  I spent so many hours in the library when I was an undergraduate here.  I wonder if all the Gramsci letters from prison are still in the same place.  I remember I was there reading on the floor one day when I saw a friend who was explaining email.  I'd never even heard of it before, and he was talking about messaging people on the other side of the world electronically (mostly for purposes of flirting with young men everywhere).  That would have been in the early 1990s.  Oh, how the world has changed.  

My dog was barking like a crazy beast, and a neighbor was up on a ladder pruning a tree.  They said they needed to work on the garden, falling behind on things, and I asked if they wanted some seeds.  I dug through my stash, all the things I don't plan to plant this year or next for whatever reason.  Yay for repurposing things like seeds and sharing.  

Oh!  I can go to my favorite nearby store for discount day to get bulk snacks for camping - smaller quantity, less packaging.   Some plantain chips, nuts, chocolate, etc.  Special treat things.  I won't be doing the very difficult long hike this trip, but I hope to do two easier ones - one when I arrive in the afternoon, and the other the next morning before I leave.  Some warm-up hikes before returning someday for the monster one (and for which, I will buy the t-shirt).  So, no, I don't actually need a lot of snacks, but ... special treats.  

oK, made the "stuffed squash."  Actually found some sausage in my freezer that I'd gotten on sale so used that up.  It's just so many ingredients that it feels a big production. Then I chopped up a whole bunch of apples and made a crumble with raspberries which isn't great.  The cassava flour I used is still just loose and floury, so that's not great, and it's also not sweet like at all.  It'll be ok with yogurt.  

So yeah, I get to eat leftovers the next few days and that's nice to not have to cook for awhile, and I get to eat dinners for breakfast.  Need to finish the dishes.  For some reason the oil in the pan got like super heated (probably because I turned on the pan and then walked away to do something else) and all the smoke alarms went off, so I guess I'm glad to know that they work.  

I need to make yogurt soon, but not tonight.   

Sunday morning

 Slept late again today, after 8.  The sleep is fine but I wish it ended earlier.  Get up, note that the carpet cleaner smell is still WAY too strong, let dog out, make coffee, give dog a pill (cosequin) that she spits out, put away dishes that dried overnight, watch dog dramatically eat the pill, check if the peppers have sprouted (nope), rifle through seeds to remind myself what I'm growing for the group (beans and cucumbers), reset the air filter red light (just set them up again, realizing that pollen may be bothering me), check my to-do list.  Last night I started a new book, Darkenbloom, and quickly realized i have no interest in it, so it will get returned to the library this morning as well as The Dream Hotel, and I started a new book last night (Place of Tides).  I've noticed lately that the texture of the book matters to me - is it too heavy or awkward to hold in my hands?  What's the font like?  Does this mean that I would actually be willing to now accept an ereader?  I tried them at least twice and never really liked them.  No, the hard plastic of it was what bothered me, and that probably hasn't changed.  I just don't like plastic when avoidable.  Also, Darkenbloom had way too many characters and its main topic is not one that I care about - how Europeans facilitated the Nazis.  Yes, I know this, I know it well.  So much of the history I learned was European, as though it centers the world.  It does not.  I enjoy now reading of different perspectives.  And the Place of Tides also takes place in Europe, but it's about a woman practicing an age-old tradition of collecting eiderdown, told by a man who struggles with modernization.  I also struggle with modernization and want to be more thoughtful in what I accept and reject. 

Like, smart appliances.  Why?  I have zero interest in them, but they're what was available to buy. My dishwasher, washer and dryer.  My fridge is definitely not and I dont think my stove is.  The dishwasher I love and will accept this (it's a Bosch), but the stacking washer and dryer are not so great - the dryer doesn't really dry things fully.  Can't wait for it to warm up and stop raining so I can hang clothes outside to dry.  And to open up my house - I really need to remember next time to use less cleaning solution than the carpet cleaner calls for, and to go over it all again with just water.  Yuck.  I hate this toxic smell. 

Facing down 9 am, and I will finish my coffee, then jumpstart the truck (no, I still have not gotten a new battery), harness and load up the dog, swing through the library book return, then out to walk the dog, then stop at the store for celery and mushrooms to make stuffed squash.  I got a lot of chores done yesterday so not a lot to do today, just a deep clean of the bathroom and probably the laundry room (though just sweeping may be fine).  I found a recipe for a vegan raspberry-apple-oat dessert that I may make and freeze in portions to eat with yogurt.  There are still a lot of apples in my fridge that I harvested in the fall, and I've had to toss some that turned.  It calls for 1/2 cup maple syrup for 12 servings, and while I don't mind putting a Tablespoon or so in, that's too much for me because the sweetness should come from the fruit, but I'll need something moist to bind it ... maybe applesauce?  Maybe I'll soak dried plums and blend them with the oats?  Yes, I like that idea.  And I think I'll add pecans or almonds to the oat topping.  

Almost every plant is budding now and it's fun to watch.  My oaks are still holding dead brown leaves so I want to note when they change for future reference because it seems like forever and honestly I may want to wait to put my house on the market in the future for when the yard is blooming and not all died back.  The milkweed at the end of my curbstrip is not nearly aggressive enough and it dies back; I may replace it with asters, which are so prolific.  I need something aggressive there to stand up to the neighbors' weeds and which I can neglect because it's the farthest point of my yard.  It used to be open and easier to access but I fenced in a big side yard, and frankly I have zero regrets about that.  Some people gave me a hard time for taking down a tree that was there (which was diseased, so no regrets) and fencing the yard, but it was a great use of $7,000 or whatever it cost.  I garden it intensively, have a raspberry and blueberry patch and various trees, and do compost experiments and have space to stash woodchip mulch, and the dog loves roaming it, and I've been seeing so many birds eating something.  It's a large space which could have been like a neighborhood gathering spot (though wasn't), but I took it for myself because frankly, it is mine.  If it weren't for the dog, I wouldn't have felt the need to fence it in, but it's all good.  I spend a lot of money for the dog.  A LOT.  

I like this article on a person's move to a walkable town.  it is so important to me, though bikable is the name of the game for me now. 

Speaking of walking, time to drive the dog out the road to walk.  The things I do for her.  We're in such a perfect location for walks, but because of who she is, she'll never get to do them here.  Sigh.  It is what it is.  Time to roll.  

**

Scale says I'm down 1.2 pounds.  We'll see if that's just a popping around a plateau or actually progress downwards.   

The Dream Hotel by Laila Lalami

 It took me weeks to get through this book, but I'm so glad I did.  It is a book best approached with a flying leap rather than a tentative few first pages before bed.  It starts out really depressing, but it doesn't stay hopelessly so.  It's about an archivist returning home from a conference in Europe and being detained due to a high "risk score" which is used as grounds for detention (retention) because of her alleged dreams. 

It strikes so many familiar chords - who among us is not afraid of an illegal and unwarranted detention?  If you're not afraid, then you aren't paying attention.  In a land in which a government official can call a murdered nurse a "domestic terrorist" for helping a woman stand up after being accosted, we are all at risk, in which our government is invading and attaching externally and internally for no actual legitimate reason, we are all so at risk.  

The author touches on other themes, such as the dangers of technology and power of collective action.  Even almost throwaway statements like this that challenge the status quo: "... it's the parasitic logic of profit, which has wormed its way so deeply into the collective mind that to defy lucre is to mark oneself as a radical, or a criminal, or a lunatic."  Yes, yes, yes.   

So yes, highly recommend it.  And now I get to return it to the library, only two days late, and let the next reader enjoy it.  

·       The Dream Hotel – Laila Lalami 

 OAnd on to the next one.   

 

 

away from meat

 There are three winter squash left to use up, and they are starting to show some signs of age, so I definitely want to stay on top of it so they do not turn bad.  This has been a very good shelf life, I must say.  Love these autumn frost squash!  

One of the first recipes I started making with them a couple of years ago when I had an overabundance was a stuffed squash with sausage, apples, celery, mushrooms, wild rice, etc.  It takes some time to prep but is very satisfying. 

But, I don't really want to eat meat.  It turns my stomach.  But I do have some "beluga lentils" that I just got which are clamoring for a purpose, and I think that I may use them for this - just need to sort out the seasonings that I want.  I do another lentil squash dish but it is heavily seasoned with cinnamon, pomegranate molasses, and such.  This one I want more with the sausage flavor, without it actually being sausage.  So, I'll give it a go. I would use tofu but I already have tofu leftovers for the next few days (with broccoli).  I also want to cook black beans today to eat in corn tortillas I'd picked up on sale and froze.  I can eat leftovers for breakfast as well as lunch and dinner, a good break from bread - though of course, toasting or microwaving is about all the breakfast prep I want to do before work; anything more elaborate won't be done.  

I woke up very late this morning, nearly 9 am.  I will shower soon and head out for some errands before I lose all steam.  Not much steam to start with today.   

Speaking of former houses, I also appreciate my experience for guiding me well, relatively speaking.  I remember in a town I lived in a few years ago, I was being shown houses right next to water and in low ground.  I asked if people weren't worried about flooding and I was scoffed at.  Within two years, there has been massive and catastrophic flooding exactly where I was talking about.  Hello?  Do not have to be an expert to see it.  Or even where I am, when I pointed out how trees are close to power lines and people scoffed.  And then we lost power for many days in an ice storm exactly for this reason.  I'm better prepared for when that happens again, with a stocked woodshed and campstove.  I'd left all my gear behind when I'd left New Orleans, with some myth of only that place requires preparation.  No, we need it all over.  Obviously it was clearer there, as I arrived right after Katrina.  I kept a hatchet and an inflatable raft in my attic, just in case.  And I don't quite need that level of prep, but there are other concerns of course.  Power and heat is key.  I got spikes in case another ice storm makes the roads impassable again.  I should probably get chains for my car.  Though I'm more of a hunker down in place kind of person.  

OK, time to move into this day, slowly slowly.   

And ... actually no.  I don't want to go do errands.  I still don't feel well.  Maybe i'll move slowly in the house and yard but that's it.  

sick day

 Called in sick today - my body is feeling inflamed (including being puffy, joints hurt) which often means I'm battling a virus.  When I can take a day off to rest, it can help me from getting super sick.  Often in my job I have to push through, but I didn't have much on my schedule today, so fuck it.  Sick. 

I'll probably spend the day sitting on the couch with my dog, planning future roadtrips she won't get to go on (because she's a psychopath and mortal).  I requested a week off in September already, and I plan to keep watching the weather for when it warms up a bit more and take off a few days to go camping a couple of hours away - at a gorgeous rock place I really like (but it was too hot to enjoy when I was last there, so I really want to go in spring before too hot), and maybe to a volcanic place I think is cool, or maybe hot springs.  

Oh dang, just pulled up on spending from last year and see that it was too hot in early June ... um, I better get some vacation time planned soon, especially because I'm very busy with work in late April.  Weird though, the campground at the lava place doesn't even open until mid-June.  I wonder if that's a weather thing or a school thing (enough people want to go after school is out).  OK, I think I should just book dates for early May, and just go.  If I take off Wed-Friday, I could enjoy mid-week hopefully less busy at the destinations, and be back for at least a full weekend day to shop and cook for the week.  And if there are fires or freak snowstorm or whatever, i can just cancel, no harm, no foul.  I'll check with Friend that she can keep the dog.  

So yeah, two little road trips expected for this year.  and then when the dog is gone and I've quit my job, I'll plan to do a massive continental road trip.  I'll probably drive because there are a number of places I want to go off the beaten path.  Maybe in places like New York i can leave my car with friends upstate and train all around - into the city, to Montreal, etc.  I loved the brief time I spent in Quebec and definitely want to spend some solid time there, so maybe I would drive there (did it before with a rental car when we were at a work function in Vermont).  I'd like to spend time in Vermont too - see if maybe that's where I'd like to land.  I want to visit with friends all over the United States, and I wish I could just take the train everywhere but it's complicated since our train system is so underdeveloped especially in much of the .  Maybe for a future roadtrip.  

Oof, it's already 10 am and I'm still barely getting moving for the day.  I did move the frozen burritos into a bag and the deep freeze; processed half of them, will do the other half around lunchtime.  Just had some lentils on a whole wheat pita with cheese for breakfast.  Dinner is expected to be tofu broccoli with black barley.  I'm embarrassed to say this, especially as I live in a place with local tofu production, but I really really like the Costco tofu.  Once I need to go get gas, I'll pick some more up.  Last got gas almost four weeks ago and I still have half a tank.  

Something that popped up into my feed is "Vegan abattoir" which is actor Kevin Smith having turned vegan because of a massive heart attack and his daughter.  Veganism is definitely always in the back of my mind.  I don't have to be 100% full in, but I can keep reducing my animal product consumption.  

Also when I put the burritos in the freezer, I realized the freezer is still too damn full and I need to eat it down, strategically.  Like, I am happy to have a couple dozen burritos and loaves of sourdough in my freezer to get me through busy times, but those berries and vegetables should get consumed.  To be fair, the space isn't most efficiently utilized because I put a lot of things into jars instead of plastic bags, especially things like dehydrated fruit, which I eat pretty slowly.  Though I might start increasing the consumption of that, either through snacking, or adding grain flakes for musli, or maybe rehydrate and process to use as sweetener, put into energy balls instead of dates, etc.?  I'm sure there are lots of possibilities.  I didn't get green plums last year because of an aphid infestation but hopefully they'll go away (I've seen more ladybugs).  The years before were always overly abundant, so if I could use those plums in various other ways because they're sweet, that would be great.  It's not like I spent a ton of money on dates when I consider it my primary sweetener source (I use date paste for sweetener in muffins, use dates in energy balls, etc.) - only $13 this year, $57 all of last year - but wouldn't it be cool if I could replace them with what's free in my yard?  

OK, yay, completed a task.  I had an upholstered chair given to me months ago, and its been in my garage.  Just cleaned it and then finished off the cleaner tank cleaning the rugs that get the most wear.  Yay, that feel nice.  Not crazy about the smell of the cleaning solution, but the rugs definitely look cleaner. I'm not crazy about figuring out how to clean the damn machine either, but it's worth using a couple times a year.  It wasn't a big task and didn't overwhelm me because it's the only thing I'm doing today, and I'm glad it's done.  I like the chair, though I probably should repaint the wood parts.  

Clearly I'm ready for spring cleaning ... I am going to wait to change the couch covers until after it's warm though, so they can dry outside.  Same with all my bedding (again, yes i washed it all not long ago).  I should probably plan some other deep cleaning.  I try to keep things clean but I don't always do allll the things, like wash down walls or empty out drawers or whatever.  Though, I have been thinking about putting more shelf liner paper in drawers and on shelves so maybe I will.  I go through my food supplies pretty often, no 27 year old condensed soup tucked somewhere. (Plus of course I've only lived here less than three years, and my kitchen is only two years old.  Oh god I'm so glad the renovations are done.)  I could do some looking up for any cobwebs, etc., but generally I just tackle things as I seem them - or put them on a list that I handle sooner or later.  most of my cleaning tasks will be better done in spring or summer, such as all the window cleaning, especially since I want to try to remove old paint from the sides of the windows.  The previous owners hired a fucking asshole of a "painter" who really fucked shit up.  I think I can use a plastic putty knife to scrape off most of the paint, and then I can caulk them well.  It's just a better project when warm, I believe.  

Hopefully I feel better tomorrow as there are some outdoors tasks I'd like to take on, such as flipping compost and doing the last mulch moving (for now ... I'm sure to get more mulch again soon ...)

Speaking of cleaning out the cupboards, I finally made the tofu PB chocolate pie I've been wanting for ages.  I'd gradually acquired the ingredients and just whipped it up so it's chilling, and then I'll freeze it in slices.  Yum.  A friend made it for me over 20 years ago and it quickly became a favorite and I shared with others, but it's been a really really long time since I've made it.  Oh, that's right - I quit eating soy in 2008 when I had a massive fibroid they thought was cancerous (spoiler: it wasn't, but the surgery recovery was intense and I had to give up studying abroad for a semester which still bums me out).  Now that I'm firmly into menopause, bring me All The Soy.  I don't know if giving it up soy stopped subsequent fibroids or not, but it sure did make me skeptical of medical opinions.   

I did read some of the book I need to return as it's due today (The Dream Hotel) but it's so depressing and so easy to imagine being non-fiction that I do struggle with it.  Hopefully I can power through and move onto the next one soon.  And if I can't, I will just return it unfinished and look up the ending somewhere.  I have five books currently checked out and six on the waitlist from when I looked up a lot in December with the "best of the year" lists.  Definitely got some good ones.  

Been thinking a lot about what's next, and I want it all.  I want to hang onto my house while also traveling for extended periods of time. And the hope is that I'll find someplace wonderful where I want to move to, but I don't think I'm ready to give up this house until I know that for sure.  So, that means at least three more years of working at my job, to pay off the house and have sufficient savings to frolic. 

But also, hanging onto my house if I'm traveling a lot is a hassle and negates the benefits of having it (gardening, etc.).  It's a tension I've always experienced, because I have lived in many homes that I loved for many different reasons.  I still think fondly of all of them and appreciate all that they provided to me, and then I have let them go when the time was right, for a variety of reasons.  So, I certainly do not have to make decisions today about years from now, even though it would be nice to know for reasons of garden planning and such (do I buy a plum tree today??).  The future is always unknown to me because I don't stay fixed on any one path.  And the country is such a shitshow right now, starting wars and other horrific things that could definitely change what is possible, if we're even all still alive.  

Sigh.  Just take it one day at a time.