time to get off my ass

 To say that the Dobbs decision has gutted me would be a massive understatement.

To be frank, it doesn't directly apply to me.  I'm past age of pregnancy and even if I were to get pregnant I have the means to travel to friends in the West Coast or elsewhere to get what I need.  I have privilege on so many levels.  And I haven't ever had an abortion.  I've taken friends to get abortions, helped facilitate overwhelmed people do what they wanted and needed to do, but I've never faced this decision, been in this situation.

That doesn't really matter though because the stripping of bodily autonomy - and the stripping of basic privacy and due process rights coming our way - should devastate us all.  We should be outraged.

But more than that, we should start taking action.  And I don't mean those smug memes about "camping trips" - I mean finding organizations helping the most vulnerable in our society and sending them money.  Showing up if they ask.  I have a lot of non-white and LGBTQAI* friends, but I'm not someone who, for example, would be approached by a young Black trans man in desperate straits needing a ride to Illinois, the nearest place to get an abortion.  So I need to provide support to those who would be.  I don't need to go stock up on Plan B - I need to click the donation button on groups who distribute that to those in need.

I also need to help people whose lives will be gutted with the overturning of Obergefell.  Did you know that the people most likely to be in same-sex relationships and have children in Louisiana are actually in rural areas? 

And I do not need to create these opportunities - they already exist. We must take collective action, not make attempts at individual attention-seeking heroism.  Though of course there will be heroes.  

And I need to stop being small, shrinking inward for self-protection.  I'm grateful that as soon as Dobbs was released, at work we gathered.  Informally of course, but we turned to each other for support, for rage.  And two coworkers noted that this toxic job has made them retreat from the world because they are beaten down from it, and that is also happening to me though that started from hurricane or even house repairs before that.  Pandemic.  All of it.  

So I need to buck up and get my house in order and be positioned to help as needed.  Action over words.  The part of me that put everything on hold last summer to transport immigrants out of detention centers, who spent the post-hurricane hell days showing up for mutual aid - that person should be rested up and ready to rumble.  

But I do need to get my guest bedroom back in order so I can house people as that need arises.  Or get a roommate to help with dog care so I'm free to be away from home more.  

My workplace is toxic AF and that needs to stop bothering me.  So what.  It's just how I get my health insurance and basic needs met.  There are much more important things I need to be worrying about.

On the home renovation front, painting is underway.  Prep is mostly done, they took off the weekend, and now we see what days don't rain so they can continue work.  The main worker is cute AF and I'm glad he took off the weekend because he was toiling in an inferno last week.  

And on the hurricane prep front, I'm doing ok.  I've got lanterns and fans and batteries and solar generator and enough food and water to last probably weeks.  I want to get a mosquito screen tent to sleep outside in my hammock and some other things like that, but I feel less frantic about that now as I keep dropping cash to prep.  My big concern is that a hurricane will not be standalone like Ida was, but we will be battered repeatedly.  That I may not be able to withstand.  But I do want to stay as much as I can - to remediate damages to my home like last year and also to help people who couldn't evacuate.  I need to be sure that I'm not taking resources from others but am only helping provide more.  

Time to stop wallowing.  Time to step up. 

beginning of goodbye

 11 pm and I went outside, which I rarely do.  Was taking an item out for trash pickup early tomorrow morning, and I kept wandering.  My sunflowers are blooming.  The neighborhood is so very still.  I breathe in the stillness.  I go in the house and the dog and I go to the backyard and just sit.  I feel the energy around me.

This house, this yard, this neighborhood - despite the challenges, it's all been very good to me.  Life has been very good here.  I have had freedom to grow food, the dog has had freedom to run.  

But there is a storm over off Africa.  There's no warning of anything yet, but the warnings will come. 

I am stocking and preparing.  I am so laser focused on being better prepared this time than last.  I even identified a foodie friend who always evacuates to carry my sourdough and yogurt starters.  I am ordering more supplies, from Pedialyte popsicles to a camp stove toaster.  I will do better this year.

The one thing I really want to happen before a hurricane is to get bananas.  I don't know that it's even possible now since I haven't seen a flower.  But a hurricane will wipe out my banana trees, and while they will come back it's unlikely that I'll still be here to wait for fruit.  

I am beginning my goodbyes in my heart.  Barring something unexpected, this will be my last hurricane season. 

a lot of socializing

I've had four social meet-ups in the past three days, which is great in some ways.  We're between variants and dangers are lessened (though I still need that 2nd booster) and socializing is great.  

The downside is that I'm falling behind in my housework.  But I'm overcoming some hurdles (like cleaning the top of my kitchen cupboards, from all the repair debris mess) which is good.

Also good is things like finding nicer weekend clothes and shaving my legs and such.  Like, being out, not just in tattered yard work clothes.  I need to lose about 10 pounds for clothes to be looser again, so that would be good.  Also doing things like cleaning and shining shoes. I'm not tackling everything, but I'm tackling some things and feeling good about that.  I do need to find the syringes to inject bT into the butternut squash - as a priority.  

I found a job listing on the west coast where my BFF is that could be quite good, a move upward.  While the cost of housing is considerably higher, the salary would also be, and this is a town where I lived very frugally before so already know how to do that.  I need to write a very good application for this job, to put into words how I live my life (furthering inclusion).  

There is still the possibility of the fancy job here, which I would take in a minute if offered because I know it well.  I haven't heard anything yet about an interview which makes me doubtful I'm considered. There's always politics and there may be an internal promotion, like the last time I applied (and the HR director told me months later).  It would provide enough financial incentive to make it worth being here a few more years, even in the face of hurricanes.  Otherwise, I'm outta here as soon as I can.  

Another friend in the town where I would move to on the west coast texted me this weekend.  We haven't spoken in a year, but she was thinking of me when she saw a cookbook because we used to share food a lot.  I miss those days.  It would be fun to rekindle.

But either way, I'm good.  I have friends here, I have friends there.  

Life is possibility.  Good things are rolling my way. 

shade balance

 Today I went to lunch with a friend who had left her husband, and she told me about it.  Even though it happened awhile ago, it's our first chance to talk about it.  

And what I have learned after over a half century on this planet is that there is a careful line to walk.  Throw shade on the ex, but not too much - in this situation, I doubt that they'll get back together but they have children together.  She put up with so much from him for so long, but that was always her choice, so I'm not shaming her for that.  I just throw a few zingers to make her laugh hard and say "See this is why we're besties."  

She tried to make me feel better about being the white token at my job, reminding her of her family members who had to be convinced that I was one of the good white people.  Honestly it doesn't really bother me all that much.  It's always been this way in my life, being one of the good ones.  And I'm not everyone's cup of tea and that's fine.

Another friend has broken up with her husband too but that's a really different situation wherein I'm friends with both.  I see more of him out and about and he told me about the split, but she's been in more contact with me lately too.  I want to be friends with them both, so there will be no zingers, no shade.  I'll listen and say "I'm sorry this is hard."  I am. It is hard.  

I used to have more opinions about people's relationships.  And I was almost always right in my forecasts of who would blow up.  But what I think and what their future holds - nobody cares.  So I finally learned to keep it quiet. 

batteries

 Midnight on a worknight and I'm suddenly driven to put batteries in all my flashlights.  Two flashlights broke during Ida aftermath, so I'm ready - two lanterns, three flashlights, three headlamps.  Extra batteries for all.  I may also get D rechargeables (already have others).  

Next up, batteries into cordless fan.  Find all my solar charger gear and try it out this weekend to top off charge.  Put everything for hurricane prep in one place.  I've got plenty of bug spray, may need more sunscreen.  

This weekend I'll plan to dehydrate yogurt and sourdough as backups.  I'm working my way through my freezer to reduce it.  At this point it's about 50% kale so I'm at a standstill unless I start giving it away. 

My coworker today said that the administrators don't like me because I'm white.  I think they don't appreciate my effectiveness and competence, but I may go with the first if they fire me.  I think I'm good for another month and a half or so because of things planned that involve me, and then I'll need just another couple of months before I can leave.  The toxicity of these middle managers is truly astounding.  I will be glad when they're in the rearview mirror. 

stirring

 I work with some pretty people, and there are two young men who almost wake me from dead.

In my youth, I was ... promiscuous.  And I have a type.  And these two young men fit that type hard.

There is no chance that either of them would be interested in me so that is completely off the table.  (I'm 2 or 3 decades older, plus other things.)  But we engage in low-level flirtation and it is fun.  They listen to me and seem to respect me.  I don't get age bias or sexism or fat bias or any of that from them.  

They do not like each other, at all.  And they are very different.  

But I guess this is just a lot of fun for me because it's the first time I've found someone attractive in years.  IT would perhaps be better if they were available to me and felt the same towards me, but maybe not.  I'm nestled into my fortress of solitude.

But honestly I have these little daydreams of getting high with either one of them and just talking at length.  I doubt either of them smoke pot, and I am limited in what I can discuss on some matters.  So it's truly all just a fantasy.  And if I were their age, only one would I find attractive.  The other is brash, aggressive, arrogant.  I would not like him at all.  But now, because I probably have nearly 30 years on him and I present matronly, I chide him.  I tease him, I challenge him.  Every interaction we have (which is not that often), I try to teach him something.  Force him to look from a different angle.  And he seems drawn to that, to me.  I hadn't seen him for days and the first thing he said was how he missed me and how he was signing up for something I'd recommended.  It's just sort of sweet, and he is not a sweet man.  

The other thing I am frequently reminded of - I really much prefer to be in environments where I'm the only white person or at least one of few.  And for some reason, I always have allies who help and protect me - last week a coworker told me what she tells others, about why I'm different from other white people.  And this is one of the good things where I am currently, despite all the dysfunction.  

But I cannot stomach the abusive dysfunction.  It's really really bad.  Plus, I need to make more money.  Our current economic state has got me pretty nervous. 

charging

 Hurricane season started this month and a bad season is forecast.

Last year, I was not prepared for Ida or the two weeks without electricity.  This year I'm better prepared, with a solar generator and flashlights and camp stove and rehydration beverages and provisions and gas cans and fans. 

Last year we mobilized quickly for mutual aid and I was kept busy, and then I was informed to start a new job before I even had electricity.  I recently got in touch with two friends from Ida times and I'd forgotten how much we did.  Post-hurricane times are busy, with remediating and helping everyone.  

Today I'm starting to focus on this, as I'm feeling less completely overwhelmed and more kicking into gear.  I'm charging things, like lanterns and phone bank.  

We had massive flooding yesterday.  It rained over 5" in an hour and there was standing water everywhere around.  I stayed at work instead of driving through it, but my tenant took good photos of how bad it was.  As I eventually drove home I saw remnants of flooding in the streets and in my yard, but the water had receded by then which is good but we cannot take for granted.  Maybe that's kicked me into gear.  

I'm sorting through things, maybe listing some things for sale.  Friends are stopping by to dig out some plants which I'll replace with natives.  It's supposed to rain again today but right now it's just hot and sunny so I'm not going out despite ample yard work I have to do. 

This morning between selling aluminum (five months worth of LaCroix for $6.50) and arguing with Home Depot to get refund on a product that broke on second use, I accidentally ended up in a touristy area.  It's actually a commercial area but after hours it's touristy.  I had a very good latte (for $6.77 with tip, so I didn't even cover gas to recycle) and remembered that I like exploring my city and enjoying good things.  I need to get out more. It's been over a year.

A young friend asked me to speak at her career day and I'm very touched by that.  She wants us to go get sno-balls as well and I need to do that.  

While I'm still feeling good I need to climb up and clean all the construction debris and drywall goop from the top of my kitchen cabinets so I can stash stuff up there again.  Among many other chores.  

I started watching Queer as Folk on Peacock; it's a reboot in New Orleans and I'm liking it quite a lot. 

what next

 Today my neighbor finished my fence repairs that I've been slowly working on for a year and install a door handle.  The roofer came to fix a leak.  The painter called to postpone start by a week.

Projects are coming together.  

Maybe my house will be finished someday.  

But then what?  What do I want to do with my free time?  

I could exercise.  I could read.  I could cook healthy things.  I could see friends.

For a while, I'll probably just stew, though. 

heat

 I am really struggling with the heat.  Summer heat started here in May - it's hotter and drier than usual.  I look at the calendar and to know that it will likely be like this for at least four more months?  Oof. 

I know other places have it worse.  I saw posts of 122 degrees Fahrenheit already recorded some places.  Alaska having record setting heat.  At least I have AC to hide in.

A friend from Georgia who usually handles the heat really well said when I stopped by recently that she moves slower in the heat.  That makes sense.  I just can't move at all without overheating.  And I'm tired of all the sweating (dripping into my eyes), the sunscreen, the multiple showers or stink.  The sun is so brutal to me and I cower from it.  My yards are a lot of sunshine with little shade, and it's just rough.  It doesn't help that I get a second wind at 10 pm to do things inside so then I wake up late and miss any cooler time. 

It definitely feels hotter than before.  When I moved here 16 years ago, in summer heat I was in long sleeves helping roof houses.  That was such a lifetime ago and I feel so frail in comparison.

I just don't think i can lean into this heat anymore.  Time to move north.  Away from hurricanes, which have got my attention for sure this season.