time keeps moving forward

Friend last night asked "So when are your exams?  Like in March?"  Me: "Oh no, much sooner than that."  But then I looked at the calendar and realized that my goal of doing them over January 17th is clearly impossible.  Maybe I can do over February 21, but first I need my advisor to get back with me so we can nail everything down.  

I'm not just waiting on him.  I also need to finalize exam question proposals to send to him, and for that I need to review books I read years ago - or never read at all but I think should be on my reading list.  And today I really will focus back. Today is the day I turn a new leaf!  No, really.  I have to.  Because the calendar taunts me.

I'm coming up on a year back.  I've been back for eight months.  That's crazy.  It's also crazy that I don't have a fucking roof yet much less ceilings.  It stresses and distracts me.  I'm leaning hard on the roofer guy to get rolling.  To be fair, they have the same issues as everyone else - being sick, being stuck out of town, and also mortality I learned from a friend whom I'd recommended them to and then their salesman died.  But I want to be done with the roof.  Then the next 17 steps can follow.  

But also I need to stop wasting so much time.  Facebook, random internet searches, Netflix - I need a timer with electric shock to get me back focused.  So much time wasted every day.  I also waste a lot of time with agonizing over doing things rather than actually doing them.  LIke things to put away in the garage, vacuuming - I stare at the items requiring my attention and get worked up about it rather than just doing it.

So, 2022 is the year of just doing.  I was long a just doer and then I took a detour and I need to get back to that.  I also need to start walking my dog again every day, something I stopped doing because of off-leash dogs and aggressive owners causing me really intense anxiety.  I need to face it and own my space again.  I also probably need to do it at 5 am before others are out.  When not fraught, walking the dog is enjoyable to me and good for me.  She of course votes for a return to our habit that we had for her whole life and only just stopped after Ida.  I had a friend walk with me, trying to get over the anxiety - and he's a big guy and able to handle any physical situation including a dogfight or aggressive owner, but I still could not handle all of my anxiety about it.  Ultimately, the issue is this: my dog has already been reported in two different jurisdictions, including here.  Here, she was reported as aggressive for biting people - when the real issue was a dog biting her and that owner putting her knee between the biting.  That was a week after I got the dog, before I knew handling skills.  Fortunately the animal control officer was very reassuring, announcing "this is not an aggressive dog at all" and trying to figure out her psychology with me.  But nonetheless, there is that report on record.  I do not want her reported again.  I do not want consequences that come of that.  And so anxiety about potential consequences plagues me.  But I really miss walking my dog.  

Well, today I will take her to a quiet spot I found, where we rarely see other dogs.  We both relax in that space.  In fact, I'll do it now.  Because 2022 is the year of just doing.