But when I finish a day's work, even when I log out at 5 pm, I feel ... so drained. Yes, some days I have the energy to do other things but not the bandwidth. I don't want to move or do anything. And that's not healthy.
I finished HOw to Be a Rich Lady and while I found the author stayed annoying the whole book, I firmly agree with her politics. More community, less exploitation. I didn't learn much, which is a good sign that I'm on the right track. Hopefully.
Lots of messages coming at me recently that make it seem like I shouldn't quit. I could be more generous, help more people and causes financially.
I don't know what I'm going to do about my job and quitting. I hate it so much//it pays the bills well.
PIcked up another book, The Hill by Harriet Clark. That is what I intend to read in bed before sleep tonight. Hope it's good. At least it's short. I have three more books waiting to be read and I'm on the constantly moving hold list for about 24 more books. Oh, only 12 more. OK, I'm moving down the list. I started a new hobby last year at the end/beginning of the year, to go through all the "best of" lists and pick out all the ones that sound good to me. And add others throughout the year. It helps me to be messaged to go to the library, else I get a little overwhelmed. Which is strange - as a child I had the library shelves memorized, knew all the things I would read. And this library is not massive - I could know more things. But it's overwhelming, with little details like that my parking is only free for 10 minutes. I cannot wander stacks with only 10 minutes. I hate that the parking is a charge for a public good.
**
Was awake at 5 this morning which was too early, but got up. I'm making lentil loaf and canning beans. I won't bake the lentil loaf until tomorrow morning (if I get up early enough) but it will be nice to have it all ready to pop in the oven. And I don't like to can in the evening because I want to see that things are sealed before they sit out all night. I did contemplate making pear sauce with the bag of frozen pears in my freezer but that'll be a bigger project. And now I think I'll turn to work. Not crazy about starting my workday at 6:30 am, but there's enough to do for sure, and I'm hoping to take Friday afternoon easy and maybe start my weekend a bit early.
**
I keep talking myself out of quitting, but I think I just really have to. I'm watching someone who does my work waste away from the stress of this job. It's literally killing her. I don't think other people can see that with me in the same way but I feel it.
Last night there was an info session from an organization that purchased property in our neighborhood without any communication and is setting up a group home, and through work I am affected by the organization. We have many concerns - both with my job and also now through this home. They've got millions of dollars thrown at them and they don't seem to know what they're doing. It's really concerning. But what was fun is that my elderly neighbor keeps me in the loop, and I went and sat with her, and without me even saying to her that I want to stay under the radar she just knew. "Any other questions you want me to ask?" and she did. I could identify some of the bullshit but mostly it was a shoddy horse and pony show with a defensive person who just wanted to tell stories from her personal life. Bless my neighbors, they are mostly so welcoming and want to be helpful. That was sweet. But I walked my elderly neighbor home (she uses walking sticks for balance and always has someone with her) and we analyzed the situation, she said I was like a spy, and talked about other things. That was the only fun part. I hate bullshit, I'm so over it. I hear it all day, every day. And the elderly neighbor reminded me it's not just my job, it's being part of the US right now, it's all so hard.
The organization said it will probably take two years for them to be up and running and elderly neighbor said to me, well, probably not my problem, I may be dead by then. Her husband died last year and she's in her 80s. She seems healthy and very alive to me but what do I know, and yes, we die. She was pointing out the three MAGA homes in our neighborhood, including the house between us (the guy who burned my plants but the wife recently asked about where I buy native plants). She and I seem to really have similar political bent, though she struggles with things like they/them. "You were an English teacher, how can you not be bothered? The singular and plural combined like that? I'm always now so afraid I"ll mess up and people will get mad at me." "Because I care more about respecting people's self-identity than I do about grammatical rules. It can be hard. I stumble sometimes with conjugating or remembering. But I try and I've never had somebody get mad at me for my mistakes when I'm trying." She seemed to take that in stride.
It was interesting to hear how long people have lived in the neighborhood - one back to the 70s as an adult, numerous who'd grown up here and came back. This is definitely an aging neighborhood, many older people.
Anyway, I need to quit my job. I'm just afraid of what will come next, because it is nice to make good money, and I never will again.
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