Tuesday

 Upon starting my job in post-storm crisis mode and then learning that upcoming holidays I'd expected were not in effect, I've been feeling a bit ground down.  Which sounds crazy for a job I've only had for two months, but honestly I still needed more time off after my last draining job.  I'd hoped to not have a regular office job again before the end of the year, but this job came along and it seemed a good fit.  And it is, despite wrinkles.  But I still pour all of myself in work, as I have always done, and have so little of me left over for the other pieces of life.  

And now with relaxation of COVID protocols, people are getting sick again.  Dude, if you have a cold, then you could have COVID.  I still mask religiously when anywhere near another person but I don't wash my hands every single time I touch something anymore.  And despite feeling like I'm in a well-ventilated space because of big windows, those windows don't open and I doubt we're well-ventilated.  

I need to bolster my immune system.  And also, the pain has returned, which makes moving uncomfortable at best.  But some of the pain is more than just my usual pain - the tops of my feet have hurt badly for a year since I had some boots with ice spikes that I wore despite hurting (because I figured it was better than the brain damage if my dog yanked me over on icy steep hills - good god I hated those icy steep hills so much).  And today I have an appointment with a podiatrist which will hopefully help.  And I have had pain in my right shoulder for ages as well as hand numbness - pinched nerve perhaps?  I've reached out to my long-time chiropractor and will hopefully get an appointment with her soon because she's a miracle worker.  Oh, I'll bring up the foot thing to her too.  It's not just pain it is also occasionally a weakness - I've almost gone down a few times recently because  my foot goes to ground and collapses - like the tissues and bones aren't going to hold it up anymore - and I've been able to grab the wall or door or somewhere to stand upright until I can get the foot to work right again.  It's a weird feeling, not pleasant. 

I'm in near constant pain and I've been dismissing it for ages - haven't had insurance since April so wasn't going to see a doctor, and before that I wasn't comfortable going to a doctor in a pandemic, and before that I was in a remote location without much medical offering.  So it's been a minute since I"ve been able to address these issues.  Maybe I'll get some relief now that I'm willing to throw some money and time at it.  Like today.  The fear of course is that there's something significantly wrong - I have a super high pain threshold and just keep going, with broken bones and all (as evidence of fractures in my ankles have revealed).  But hopefully these are easy things.  I like the idea of PT, but I've tried it a few times here and had very bad experiences, so I'm reluctant.  Of course, maybe things are better now.  And maybe there's somebody nearby.  I am absolutely loving how my neighborhood has been building up and more services are available nearby and I don't have to go further for what I need.  

The dog has been clingy and having a hard time when I'm gone all day.  She slept all night with me last night, which means that either I'm getting sicker than I realize or that she's chilly.  I'm thinking the second because at 5:30 she got up and growled at me to get up and then she curled back up in the bed.  Silly dog.  And now she's sitting across me, which is both for warmth and also to look out the front window.  It's about 62 degrees in the house now, a very comfortable temperature for me.  I've been sleeping much better lately, which I think is probably an indication that I just can't sleep when it's warm.  Unfortunately I cannot afford to cool my house down enough during summer for sleep, so hopefully the gradual warming next spring will help me adjust better.  

Oh, I just got email from my previous employer - I had applied for a position there before I started my current job, and she was letting me know that it was filled internally.  That was quite nice of her to let me know.  I may still want to return there someday so I'm glad that bridges haven't been burned.  Though, the more I think about it the less I want this Monday-Friday grind.  I'm so happy to take off today, and I'm in a job now that could not be more perfect for me.  Seriously, it's perfect.  Yet I still just don't want to work a full-time office job.  I want more life outside work, which is especially strong now that it's dark when I get home.  

***

So apparently I have significant arthritis in my feet and likely nerve damage.  Fuck.  

Also, I think I've found the small town for me.