trying

 Yesterday at work, my favorite person was fired.  It was a dysfunctional firing, with no proper chain of command followed - just somebody annoyed and another person not standing up.  The alleged reason for the firing was because so much more was demanded of my favorite person than anyone else, and somebody felt that she wasn't catering specifically to them enough - which was a logistical issue. But also an issue of other people not stepping up to help, but especially of lack of communication.  Her direct supervisor and that person's supervisor were not even consulted or apprised.  

The entire afternoon was spent in closed door meetings and her being rehired - after she had emptied her very full office and been made to feel horrible.  

It is the worst.  The way that the people in charge treat people is so horrible, and all it does is reduce productivity, increase backstabbing, and decimate morale.  

And i know that my day will come.  Right now they need me, but they're also annoyed with my proficiency.  It is impossible to meet the demands of the top two people - one says to do something and then forgets they said it and get angry for it being done, and the other says to do something and then says to do the opposite and then gets angry for it all (like not reading their mind, when their mind is a chaotic mess).  That's where we're at now.  And these people are rarely at the office - they think that being in charge means they don't need to be present or involved.  One demanded that something happen and is refusing to deal with the fallout - annoyed with me for bringing up what is a serious situation that they completely 100% created and which needs to be remedied very quickly.  And I'm the messenger in danger of being shot.  

It's truly insane.

And I'm overwhelmed with roof drama.  The owner of the roofing company called last night demanding payment.  "It is customary that when we finish a job that we be paid in full."  "I'm sorry that you were miscommunicated with.  The job is not finished - the flat roof appears improperly installed and I just met with your salesman showing what needs to be repaired.  So I am not paying in full at this time until that is repaired.  And I am happy to pay for what has been done fine, but I have been asking over a month for an updated invoice that I can provide to my insurance company as claim documentation, because the last one I received HAS THE WRONG ADDRESS and doesn't include about $15,000 of work.  It is customary to provide this for payment."  Because seriously, if they aren't able to give me a final invoice and fix the roof BEFORE I pay in full, why on earth would I believe that they're going to do it after?  And he was very nice, but he tried to argue with me about a few things - like saying that they didn't fully tear down my roof and make it flat when there was previously a pitch.  He was very confused with what I was saying.  My roof was pitched at least 2/12 before, which is too flat for asphalt shingles so we agreed to them instead installing a flat roof system.  And then we discovered the joists were total shit and needed to be replaced.  I understood that they would just replace them and keep the pitch; instead flattened it out completely and now there is pooling water in low spots.  To say that I am frustrated and overwhelmed with this would be a massive understatement.

And that's the state of the world today for me.  Trying to keep it together, not entirely successfully. 

wildlife

Recently I've been learning more about the wildlife in my yard and having a good time with it.  A red admiral butterfly just thanked me for not pulling the pellitory (and all the other weeds in my backyard).  I've got so many cool butterflies that hang out in my yard, from skippers to monarchs to gulf frittillaries.  Some I feed deliberately (hello, milkweed and passionflora and citrus), some I just don't remove the food source (castor oil tree which I just keep in check).   It's a lot of fun.  

It's also fun to learn about the plants in my yard.  I know it looks a weedy mess, but today I learned two more plants are here - chickweed and veronica persica.  So many cute little flowers around.  

When I was young, I knew all the plants of my habitat.  From trees to berries, I recognized them and then learned them.  I thought I was going to grow up and be an ethnobotanist.

And then I moved from place to place and never learned so much.  But now it's fun again.  

I think the red admiral may have also been pointing this out, because I'm contemplating taking a little trip a few hours away for a naturalist class.  It would be just one day from work, and I can leave the dog with friends who are moving away soon so this is the last chance for that (and her last chance to charm them).  The butterfly may have been telling me to take this break.  I would like to camp, and then it's not so expensive.  

Years and years ago, I used to go regularly to Joshua Tree National Park for naturalist classes and always had a great time. I love that wild desert.  I was at some sort camping and it was WAY colder than expected.  I was miserable, and a lovely classmate offered that I could stay with her for the remaining days.  Her place was amazing and magical, her retirement dream come true.  

The generosity of strangers has always kept me safe.  

And friends may actually join me on this venture.  One friend I've known for years asked to come, and two people I only know through Facebook (one I gave all my bulbs to and the other I bought a case of sweet potatoes with).  It would be nice to share the driving; on the other hand, I quite like the magical solitude of doing things like this alone.  Either way works.  

And yes, I realize it sounds silly to say that butterflies tell me things, but ... I don't disbelieve it.  And dragonflies are often around to cheer me on.  

I quite like my wildlife.

hold this moment

 I am very good at what I do.  Several aspects of it.  I've been around and I've learned things.  It's been almost shocking how little the people I work for actually know, so I help them along.  I am  professional, so I'm not petty when I have grounds to be, and that seems to be paying off.  I am held in high regard, a shiny toy people fight over, and they trust me.  Now, this could of course change today because they are mercurial at best, but right now I'm holding this moment of having work that is interesting and engaging and for which I am respected.  It's enjoyable. 

And I'm working for culture change even while knowing that's unlikely to succeed.  I'm forming teams and opening communication channels long stifled in our weird silo world.  There is an excited hubbub of accomplishment shared as opposed to the backstabbing silence of when I started.  There is still backstabbing but I hold that beneath me and I'll take the hits.

My direct supervisor has a very negative view of the world, always assuming the worst of people.  We argue often about it, firmly sticking to our sides.  It's not that I don't ever see the bad, and I will criticize, but I don't jump immediately to assuming people are bad.  I believe people rise to expectations.  And for the first time, she asked me to explain somebody's actions through my lens, and she listened, and almost agreed.  She asked why a middle manager is being held accountable for the people she supervises and I said that supervisors are responsible for their subordinates.  She strongly disagrees because she wants no management responsibility EVEN THOUGH IT'S HER JOB.  I said: "This is why you like me, I don't get you in trouble by acting a mess."  She said: "Oh you never will.  You could do my job no problem."  And I realized she thinks I'm gunning for her job which I most assuredly am not.  I like my job, actually doing work and not just managing.  Nobody else there can do what I do, so I have really pushed back on when they try to make me do things that AREN'T my job.  I've been gambling and so far I'm doing ok.  

I know this can change at any moment because the place is mindbogglingly dysfunctional, but I would rather get fired to for sticking to my principles (of treating people with respect, doing good work) than join in the dysfunction.  I stick out as different for many reasons and I can be abrasive, but I am ethical and don't throw people under the bus so even those whose cup of tea I am not can come around to appreciating me in some regard.  And if they don't - oh well.  I do really want to stay long enough to have student loan gone and to vest pension, but by this time of my life of having been in the workforce for 40 years, I am not externally defined.  I know my value.

And if you underestimate me for being a fat middle-aged woman in ill-fitting thrift store clothes, that's at your own peril.

looking up

 After agonizing over whether or not to withdraw from my PhD, I did it on Friday.  I realized that I cannot do fieldwork like the project I designed about five years ago required - I don't have the bandwidth or energy.  

But then on the subsequent workday at a meeting somebody brought up a topic of concern and I said "What if that was to be checked for accuracy?" and the guy said "We did that, back in 2013" and I said "Well, things have changed it needs to be checked again" and he agreed and somebody said there were funding issues with hiring someone to do that and that maybe they could find a PhD student who wants to and ... hey wait!  That's me!  A discrete project related to work that has local and larger impacts for which I would have data available and could make bosses happy and they would ride me until it's done.  I like this idea and it doesn't feel me with dread about having to do fieldwork because I wouldn't have to except where I already go every day.  I have to run it up command and then with my advisor.  I could do this MUCH quicker than my other topic, and once I have data I could finish it even if I get fired (though ... it would also provide me with job security).  I have two faculty members in mind who could help because this is a really big shift, from ethnography to number validity.  But I think I can do it.  And it excites me again instead of filling me with dread.  

The other possibly exciting thing I may have rolling is getting house done.  The guy who I hired for the windows came back over and we talked over everything and his guys can also paint the house, which has some benefits in terms of that they did the fascia and trim repairs so know where the caulk needs to go.  And I know he's licensed and insured so I don't have to worry about a fall.  He'll definitely have people finish the work necessary for new roof and we talked that through, and they'll build the door for garage.  He asked if they can work over Mardi Gras and ... I guess?  I have my own projects I wanted to do then but getting all this done is even better.  And then I grabbed my neighbor and now he's already started fixing my front stairway with the rotted balusters.  I had the hardest time finding enough balusters even though Lowe's says they sell them (I drove all over town and could only buy 8, and I need about 40), and when I was over in my neighbor's yard after Ida I noticed he has a bunch for some reason that I still don't understand, but he said he's happy to use them and he'll cut and prime today for install.  He's a very good carpenter who is always very busy so I'm very lucky that he'll help out with this.  

I may buy a sand blaster this weekend to tackle some of the prep myself.  I've got a corrugated metal shed that's peeling badly and I'm learning the best way to handle it is with sand blasting ... and the bonus is that I can also do the ironwork on my front porch that looks awful and is rusted.  Then I can do whatever else needs to be done and hopefully sell it after.  Alternatively I may just hire someone to do it.  NOne of the paint companies I've talked to have offered that option and I would like it done right if it's not going to cost much more.  Any peeling paint makes a FEMA loan fucked when I try to sell.

And also, my dog has been VERY good lately.  She comes immediately when I whistle for her, which is huge.  Yesterday when carpenter came over, he likes to play with her and he gets her riled up then tells her to calm down.  I just call her and she comes and sits by me and ignores him.  I know that normal dogs do this all the time and it's not exceptional in the least, but it is for my dog.  My dog has her own mind and is driven by her lizard brain.  When she gets excited, her cognitive skills shut down completely.  So this ability to step away from exciting situations and mind me is HUGE.  And it may go away again, but I am really enjoying it right now.  

So things are better.  We'll be ok.

boring financial pride

Feeling little control over my life in general, I lean into frugality to feel better.  Last month my total expenses - minus the extra money I paid on mortgage principal - was about $1,700.  If I were to get a roommate and cut back luxury purchases in food and miscellaneous (there were a couple kingcakes in there to share, baby gifts, GoFundMe contribution, a traffic ticket), I could get down to $1,000 per month.  That's without any large purchases required like car repairs*, and I keep the major house repairs separate because they are one-time and still paid for by insurance and then from a special savings account I have for this purpose.  

I wish I could get electricity consumption down but it peaks in winter - I have inefficient furnaces and water heaters that I don't plan to replace until they die; we're on two different units with my tenant and she keeps her apartment comfortable for her.  I keep my temperature at 58-60 in winter and 78-80 in summer.  If I got a roommate I'd have to be more reasonable.  I also wouldn't have any indoor storage if I got a roommate because that's the only real closet in the house, so it has become my hurricane prep locker (and vacuum and bedding, etc.).  

I withdrew from school hopefully in time to get a partial tuition reimbursement, and I'm returning all the books I just ordered.  I am expecting a large income tax refund soon.  My student loan is supposed to be starting up again with payments in May, but I'm hoping that it will be finished around then - at the latest in August (waiting on resolution of an issue). It has been wonderful to have no student loan payments the past couple of years; it's usually about $650/month which is nothing to sneeze at.  I do need to take care of health issues while I am employed where I am - it seems to be the best health insurance I've ever had.  They haven't required me to even pay a deductible.  So I really should get that shoulder issue looked at.  And the mammogram and pap and dentist and all the unpleasant things. 

This house deserves more credit than I give it - I've had it six years without any large expenses until now.  It was time to put money back into it.  When I left a few years ago and had roommate and cheaper house insurance, I was spending nothing on housing; then my tenants covered the mortgage and basic costs.  Plus I save money by growing food here in the large yards, and a safe place for the hound to run.  It's been a really good house for me in so many ways and I need to stop dissing it.  

I know that I need to make more money.  Before I can consider retirement I need a much fatter IRA and a paid off house not in a natural disaster zone.  I cannot be assured that I can live so cheaply forever - heck, quitting my job will immediately bump up my expenses for health insurance, and I absolutely must stay where I am until I vest for pension in about eight more months.  So I need to feel better about where I am.  

My anxiety levels are through the roof from pandemic and disaster and chaotic workplace.  But I need to remind myself how very very lucky I am.  And even if the only control I can feel sometimes is for being frugal, then that's ok. 

*I have had the same used pickup since 2002.  Though it does require repairs from time to time, it's a great vehicle.  Just not very fuel efficient, and if I were to bicycle to work that would reduce gas expenses.  Once the house repairs are done and I can get access to my bicycle again and don't need to rush home midday, I will commit to that. 

progress

 My roofing is done.  Probably.  I mean, they think it is.  A guy is coming to check it tomorrow with a hose.

I already had to fight for more repairs - they hurried through and ddn't protect from rain, which of course came and hit hard.  "Excuse me but if you hung interior plywood and then FAILED TO FINISH THE ROOF OR PROTECT IT and then that plywood delaminated, YOU NEED TO REPLACE IT."  A lot of that.  And I think it's done.  I hope it's done.  But at the next rain I'm going up in the attic and down in the garage and checking and doing what it takes to get it done right.

And this "what" that it takes - it is fucking exhausting.  I'm so over all of this.  

The fascia/window guy is coming tomorrow after work and we'll talk through the last needed repairs before I can bring in the painters (and install the garage door).  And I'm expanding the scope of work there to include a patio surface that's peeling and garages.  I'm not doing this shit myself and I think they need a damn sandblaster.  This is going to be expensive but then it will be done.  And then I'll have gutters again and that's what really excites me.  Oh, but before the painting I need to get the stairway repaired still.  And then I also need to get the interior repairs done.  All the way done.  

The kitchen ceiling collapsed last week.  It's definitely time.

And I have plenty of work to do.  So much. 

lack of interest from a likely dropout and clear sign from universe

 I'm thinking seriously about dropping out of my PhD program.

I had pushback from a professor earlier this week.  My advisor tells me one thing, the faculty member tells me something completely different.  I'm not in a space in my life where I really want to deal with this shit.  Years more of this?  And for what.  I'm not opposed to increased rigor ... but again, for what.

When I was young a PhD really meant something, a hope for a tenure-track academic role for life, an opportunity to research interesting things and share that with eager learners.  But now?  Yeesh.  The culture wars and goods-for-sale model have gutted education.

But also, this program in particular I'm not so keen on.  I don't have a cohort, people to commiserate and learn with.  I had it in the other graduate programs I was in and that was really critical to my success.  Without that I feel really lost, I'm realizing.  

And this is negatively affecting my quality of life.  I'm stressed and eating junkfood trying to cram for exams, instead of reading for fun and hanging with friends and cooking and eating healthier.  I'm trying to cram too much into not enough me, and I'm just so tapped out.  

I want to leave here in just over a year, and I have a lot of work to do before that.  I'd like to get into better shape, spend more quality time with the dog.  I have a demanding job that requires all my brainpower.  Like, A LOT of brainpower.  I'm the brains of the operation.  

I got so nostalgic when I saw the bicycle at the library at school, but I don't think this school is that for me.  My advisor is so nice to me but it's not enough.  

AT this time in my life, I don't want to do fieldwork.  I don't want to gather data and write.  I know my topic is interesting but I would rather do jigsaw puzzles and see friends.

I miss friends.  A lot.  And I resent the intrusion on life flow that schooling is.  I was trying to cram through but I cannot.  And this week I had kind of a breakdown, realizing that something has to give.  School is probably that thing.  There is no reason for me to get a PhD except for demanding that people call me "Dr." and that's not really something I care about.  I'm good at what I already do and I want to keep doing it (though not in such dysfunctional places) and a PhD would not improve my situation with work.  

And when I have some more retirement savings, I can move back in with my BFF who was my college roommate and go back to school at a real school.  I did a little stint there as a grad student before and life was good - I was paid to teach one class and school was free.  I lived on the meager earnings delightfully.  I really wasn't into the program and just did it because I was asked because of some special skills and I had nothing else to do after I graduated - but then I saw how abused my favorite faculty member was, and denied tenure despite being a brilliant professor and scholar.  And I left.  Fuck that.  But if I really want to do it again, I can.  That can be how I entertain myself in retirement.  (Or I saw some interesting jobs offered at that university; I could work there and get my PhD for free potentially.)

But I just really don't want to do it now. I'm just so over it.

But I will give myself some time to decide - the semester has only just begun and I just ordered a bunch of books.  And I want to talk with some friends about their thoughts on this. 

Today at work was so weird - I got cold called by a VIP who ended with "thank you milady" which threw me while entertaining me.  Then I got asked to do something controversial so I did, and people cornered me to berate me, and I stood my ground (even though it's not MY ground).  This is two days in a row of shouting matches that I have not backed down from.  I don't take the high road or the low road, and I don't go looking to start a fight, but mostly I do not cower.  Yesterday was weird too because somebody was so impressed with my work that she demanded my supervisor's information to tell her how wonderful I am, and one of my superiors was stunned at the quality of my writing on something informational for him and called to tell me.  

I'm good at what I do.  I don't know if I can weather another 15 months of office politics, but it's a comfortable nest in a lot of ways.  It's not so comfortable that I want to stay any longer than I have to, but it's comfortable enough to let me bicycle to work, go home for lunch, leave on time, and not make my heart fritz out like my last job.  

Oh, I just checked - I can actually get a 50% refund on the tuition I paid if I withdraw soon.  That's worth it, I just want to mull it over a little more.  But it really feels like the right decision.  This course of study brings me no joy anymore.  I moved on.  And sorry to say, that's also how I feel about this city.  I loved New Orleans so deeply, but its chaos is no longer enjoyable.  Basic services including water, trash, electricity, and mail just don't work.  And I make jokes about the carjacking, but honestly it's got us all on edge - I was going to take the dog for a walk and then run by Costco, but I don't want my dog in my pickup if I get carjacked - and I don't want to end up in ICU like the woman getting gas earlier this week at Costco who was carjacked and then the asshole thief ran over her - and when a doctor got out to help her as her skull was fractured and seriously injured and it took 20 minutes for the ambulance to get there, people asked them to move their vehicles so they could get gas.  The doctor is moving away, as that deeply affected her, our lack of humanity in this city now.   

No place is perfect, and I will love no place as deeply as I've loved New Orleans since 2006.  But it's time to look at leaving.  Which means fixing up this goddamn house, a lot of which I need to do myself.  Which means I do not have time to research and write a dissertation.  It's the things like needing to rescreen all my windows, repair the cord and tassles on the blinds that my tenant wrecked.  So many such things that require me to either pay somebody to do them at considerably more money than I make per hour at my job, or just do them myself.  

I thought if I quit my job in August and focused on my studies for a year that I could do it, but I don't think I can.  Not without a cohort or an advisor who is straightforward with me.  I will be trapped here longer in order to finish that up, and having to stay here longer to finish because faculty don't communicate - I don't want that.  I want control over my destiny. 

Also if I'm not bound here by this PhD program, if I get fired I can sell my house and leave ... if my friend's cat dies soon. (Not that I want her cat to die, but it is a pretty old cat.  I think my other friend got her like 17 years ago.)   That gives me some freedom.

***

This roofing job is costing a fortune because everything is trash.  My garage joists and walls were all completely termite destroyed - it was bad. Really bad.  So all that had to be replaced before I could even have that roof put on.  And then yesterday they found that all the roof decking on the house was bad (like holes in it bad, so disintegrated) and multiple layers of shingles and various other problems.  I have no choice but to suck it up and pay much more money.

I think my original quote from this company for the roofing was like $11,900.  Now it looks like I'll be paying more like $45,000.  (And no, I don't think I've been ripped off.  I've seen the damage firsthand - touched a wall stud and seen it disintegrate because it had been complete devoured, seen all the photos of how dangerous my roof is.  I'd hoped it wouldn't be so bad, but it is and I will survive.)  Goodbye savings.  Goodbye dream of quitting and taking off a year to study.  And yes, insurance will pay some of it but not anywhere near all of it because it's not all hurricane damage - much of it is because the guy I bought this house from was an asshole.  This derails a lot of my plans, but I quickly rally to new plans because that's how I do.  And that new plan (as well as the recent tanking of the stock market) requires a lot more job and less time off.  Which sucks but I'm glad I have the option to earn money and save.  

But I cannot scramble to get on solid financial footing and also do my PhD, so this is the clearest possible sign from the universe.  Between having to do work myself and potentially try to find some other income stream (because I'm already cut to the bone in frugality since I'd wanted to take off next year) I'm tapped out.  

And I may not be able to leave here in a year, it will really depend on how the house market is.  I see on the street over from me, there are like four houses for sale.  And people are not increasing property values - a couple of lots are being used as junkyards, fences destroyed from Ida are just laying on the sidewalk still, that kind of thing.  I will have to wait for a sweet spot in the market, as the crazy real estate heyday of last year has subsided.  I do think it'll rise again, and I do think I'll still make a little profit on the house sale, but much less now with all these expenses.  

Sigh.

It is what it is.