looking up

 After agonizing over whether or not to withdraw from my PhD, I did it on Friday.  I realized that I cannot do fieldwork like the project I designed about five years ago required - I don't have the bandwidth or energy.  

But then on the subsequent workday at a meeting somebody brought up a topic of concern and I said "What if that was to be checked for accuracy?" and the guy said "We did that, back in 2013" and I said "Well, things have changed it needs to be checked again" and he agreed and somebody said there were funding issues with hiring someone to do that and that maybe they could find a PhD student who wants to and ... hey wait!  That's me!  A discrete project related to work that has local and larger impacts for which I would have data available and could make bosses happy and they would ride me until it's done.  I like this idea and it doesn't feel me with dread about having to do fieldwork because I wouldn't have to except where I already go every day.  I have to run it up command and then with my advisor.  I could do this MUCH quicker than my other topic, and once I have data I could finish it even if I get fired (though ... it would also provide me with job security).  I have two faculty members in mind who could help because this is a really big shift, from ethnography to number validity.  But I think I can do it.  And it excites me again instead of filling me with dread.  

The other possibly exciting thing I may have rolling is getting house done.  The guy who I hired for the windows came back over and we talked over everything and his guys can also paint the house, which has some benefits in terms of that they did the fascia and trim repairs so know where the caulk needs to go.  And I know he's licensed and insured so I don't have to worry about a fall.  He'll definitely have people finish the work necessary for new roof and we talked that through, and they'll build the door for garage.  He asked if they can work over Mardi Gras and ... I guess?  I have my own projects I wanted to do then but getting all this done is even better.  And then I grabbed my neighbor and now he's already started fixing my front stairway with the rotted balusters.  I had the hardest time finding enough balusters even though Lowe's says they sell them (I drove all over town and could only buy 8, and I need about 40), and when I was over in my neighbor's yard after Ida I noticed he has a bunch for some reason that I still don't understand, but he said he's happy to use them and he'll cut and prime today for install.  He's a very good carpenter who is always very busy so I'm very lucky that he'll help out with this.  

I may buy a sand blaster this weekend to tackle some of the prep myself.  I've got a corrugated metal shed that's peeling badly and I'm learning the best way to handle it is with sand blasting ... and the bonus is that I can also do the ironwork on my front porch that looks awful and is rusted.  Then I can do whatever else needs to be done and hopefully sell it after.  Alternatively I may just hire someone to do it.  NOne of the paint companies I've talked to have offered that option and I would like it done right if it's not going to cost much more.  Any peeling paint makes a FEMA loan fucked when I try to sell.

And also, my dog has been VERY good lately.  She comes immediately when I whistle for her, which is huge.  Yesterday when carpenter came over, he likes to play with her and he gets her riled up then tells her to calm down.  I just call her and she comes and sits by me and ignores him.  I know that normal dogs do this all the time and it's not exceptional in the least, but it is for my dog.  My dog has her own mind and is driven by her lizard brain.  When she gets excited, her cognitive skills shut down completely.  So this ability to step away from exciting situations and mind me is HUGE.  And it may go away again, but I am really enjoying it right now.  

So things are better.  We'll be ok.