hold this moment

 I am very good at what I do.  Several aspects of it.  I've been around and I've learned things.  It's been almost shocking how little the people I work for actually know, so I help them along.  I am  professional, so I'm not petty when I have grounds to be, and that seems to be paying off.  I am held in high regard, a shiny toy people fight over, and they trust me.  Now, this could of course change today because they are mercurial at best, but right now I'm holding this moment of having work that is interesting and engaging and for which I am respected.  It's enjoyable. 

And I'm working for culture change even while knowing that's unlikely to succeed.  I'm forming teams and opening communication channels long stifled in our weird silo world.  There is an excited hubbub of accomplishment shared as opposed to the backstabbing silence of when I started.  There is still backstabbing but I hold that beneath me and I'll take the hits.

My direct supervisor has a very negative view of the world, always assuming the worst of people.  We argue often about it, firmly sticking to our sides.  It's not that I don't ever see the bad, and I will criticize, but I don't jump immediately to assuming people are bad.  I believe people rise to expectations.  And for the first time, she asked me to explain somebody's actions through my lens, and she listened, and almost agreed.  She asked why a middle manager is being held accountable for the people she supervises and I said that supervisors are responsible for their subordinates.  She strongly disagrees because she wants no management responsibility EVEN THOUGH IT'S HER JOB.  I said: "This is why you like me, I don't get you in trouble by acting a mess."  She said: "Oh you never will.  You could do my job no problem."  And I realized she thinks I'm gunning for her job which I most assuredly am not.  I like my job, actually doing work and not just managing.  Nobody else there can do what I do, so I have really pushed back on when they try to make me do things that AREN'T my job.  I've been gambling and so far I'm doing ok.  

I know this can change at any moment because the place is mindbogglingly dysfunctional, but I would rather get fired to for sticking to my principles (of treating people with respect, doing good work) than join in the dysfunction.  I stick out as different for many reasons and I can be abrasive, but I am ethical and don't throw people under the bus so even those whose cup of tea I am not can come around to appreciating me in some regard.  And if they don't - oh well.  I do really want to stay long enough to have student loan gone and to vest pension, but by this time of my life of having been in the workforce for 40 years, I am not externally defined.  I know my value.

And if you underestimate me for being a fat middle-aged woman in ill-fitting thrift store clothes, that's at your own peril.