wrong direction

 The scale says I gained 1.6 pounds last week.  YEESH.  No bueno.  Time to buckle down again. 

 Also, strange thing I've noticed: my whole grain sourdough tastes sweet, like sugar is added, and even a little cinnamon.  There is zero sugar.  It's wheat flour, rye flour, oats, salt, and water.  That's it.  This keeps happening.  It's strange.  

Dog is very very ready to go out for a walk.  She's staring at me like a vulture and the second I move she'll leap up to run zoomies again.  She's ready.  I'm moving slowly.  We'll be ok.   

spendthrift

 Oof, I'm spending money like crazy so far this month, or so it feels.  I need to do all my accounting and get myself back on track.  

Today I bought a nice smelling French bar soup and a shampoo bar.  It would be nice to have a bar shampoo I like, and I'll only find out by trying.  But still that's not budget behavior.

Finally cooked the squash and lentils tonight.  They're SO. GOOD.  Dressing with pomegranate molasses, feta and pepitas on top - so good.  

Oh, I need to start in on the tofu I got and figure out what I want to do with it.  While also eating through my freezer's frozen meals, to just fill it up again.   

Started sourdough today so I need to stretch and fold in a minute.  Bake tomorrow, pick up plants, do some yardwork, then come back inside and let it rain.  Hoping for a lot of rain.  We've not had nearly enough this year in the rainy season. 

In other news, magnesium glycinate is my new friend.  I bought it the first of December because I'd heard it was good for insomnia from racing minds, and then I didn't have any insomnia because I took off the last half of December.  But recently I had a night where I only got 3-4 hours of sleep, so I pulled it out, and the next night I thought I might have a problem, I took it, and boom.  Sleep.  I've used it twice now and it has worked great, with no side effects.  And I'm the queen of side effects.  I used to take magnesium occasionally for period back pain - something about menstruation often had me wrenching my back.  The chiropractor front desk staff turned me onto it and it worked perfectly.  I took maybe 1/3 of a bottle over many years until I tossed it after menopause.  I take supplements so very rarely, and having something that works like magnesium does for me is so fantastic.

When Friend came over the other day, the dog was weird - she said hello and was polite, but mostly she just stood beside me and watched Friend.  Like afraid she was going to be kidnapped or something.  She is absolutely my dog and mine alone.

**

Oooo weee, that pneumonia vaccination is hitting me hard days after.  I got it Thursday afternoon, and Saturday was rough.  I did push myself in the morning - walk half a mile or more with a garden cart to pick up 30 plants, go to a weed identification seminar - and then I was completely done.  Unable to hardly do laundry, which is just the easiest task every.  Every time I have to move it's a huge issue.  I've noticed that I've been stuck in a lot of inertia lately, which isn't great.  I like it better when I'm like popcorn - simmer for a bit and focus well, then pop up and do something else.  Staying prone with a laptop for hours is not great.  

So now it's Sunday and at least I had energy put away three loads of laundry this morning.  Drinking coffee and then we'll dog walk, and then I want to chill.  Push off some of the chores I have for today until later.

I am realizing that if I want to stay here where I am, I probably need to stay in my job for four more years.  If I can stay this frugal that long, I could have the house paid off and a bit of a nestegg to get me to 65 (when pensions start).   But holy fuck, FOUR MORE YEARS of this job which sucks my soul?  I don't think I can do that.  But in the alternative, I don't know if I want to go back to my vagabond life; the older I get, the less I enjoy packing everything I own into the back of my pickup (which is due to fully die any day now) and driving thousands of miles.  My house is not perfect but it has many amenities that I enjoy.  I could move abroad, I could downsize, I could do all sorts of things.  But honestly I'm tired.  I am not crazy about this town at all, but it's not the worst place I've been, and if I were not so drained by my job, there are plenty of things to do.  There are a lot of naturalist type activities, I was reminded of yesterday.  So many volunteer opportunities.  A retired life here does not sound awful, so long as I can make more friends and a better sense of community.  

But to survive four more years like this?  I don't know if I can do it.   On the other hand, all the times that I quit a job to go travel the world when I was young, I said "I'm taking my retirement early; I'll just work when I'm older!"  Well, I'm getting older, and that's a less appealing option now, though I have no regrets about my carefree youth.  

I can also keep an eye on an earlier date.  Like, maybe once the dog dies I'll look for a great multifamily dwelling; if I had an income stream of an apartment, that would be helpful.  I certainly miss that.  The setup I had in New Orleans was great, with an apartment in the back (and an en suite 2nd bedroom in the main house that I also rented out from time to time).  Or be open to moving to an area with a lower cost of living.  Or taking a job that pays less (I'll never find another job that pays this well) but has less stress.  

So, I'm not totally stuck, but I think I need to be realistic with myself about exactly when I can escape.  The counting down two more years is only if I can continue to make money, and if I'm really honest with myself, I do not want to start another job.  I want to be finished with working, and the easiest way to finish with working is to stay in this job for another four years.  

Sigh.  

 

 

another Monday

The chocolate cherry cake I made on Saturday is really fucking good, even when thawed.  I went ahead and just used sugar, 1/3 of what the recipe called for.  It's about 9 grams of sugar per piece.  I'm tempted to go in for another piece.  I didn't have any added sugar at all yesterday and I didn't even think about sugar until I was in bed, so that's huge for me.  I'm not throwing something at a sugar craving monster, I'm enjoying the rich chocolate cherry taste.   

I spent the whole evening typing and printing labels for seeds to give away.  I just cannot write, my arthritis won't allow it, and so printing it is.  Used up a printer cartridge, but since I got that and the printer for free over a year ago, I sure can't complain about that.  I snagged a few of the seeds, like a sorrel that is perennial.  I made a green borscht with sorrel last year and it was odd but tasty.  I don't want a field of sorrel, but a plant would be nice.  I should snag more of the seeds.  I don't need many.  Like a little endive, maybe some leeks.  I don't want to eat endive every day like I was cucumbers for months on end, but a few salads with it each summer, and/or with radicchio, would be nice.   I've been snacking lately on cucumbers that I dehydrated.  They're pretty tasty.  Good to remember to do that again next year, and I should have pickled more.  Oh well.  Next year.  

**

And now it's Wednesday, and a massive thing I had scheduled to deal with tomorrow and Friday is no more, and I am relieved and lightened by it no longer having its heavy thumb on me.  That thumb has been there since October, and I've chipped away and chipped away, and was ok, and now I'm more than ok, I'm free of it.  Now I'm going to do business things during the workday.  Go pick up my new glasses, and groceries on the way.  Get the pneumonia vaccine.  Check my truck's error messages to be sure there aren't more problems.  

**

And now it's Friday.  I got the pneumonia vaccine yesterday and so far i'm ok.  NOt great but ok.  Last time I got vaccinated it super fucked with my head but this time I'm just lightly affected.  Within range of normalish.  

Today I want to go get my new glasses.  I was going to call in sick but maybe I'll just try to be more reasonable about my work - take a long lunch break, maybe leave early, etc.  So many days I work 10+ hours, I should take a shorter day when I can. 

I have many work frustrations.  People are driving me fucking crazy.

This weekend has new native plants on tap for me, and rain.  Friend came over yesterday to spot me on the ladder so I could climb on the roof and sprinkle moss killer, but I took one step onto the roof and said fuck no.  So she did it.  Which saved me money from having to hire someone, and I'm grateful.  I just do not like the idea of falling, at all, and do not trust my balance.  

It seems sunny right now, another reason to try to take time off to be in the sun.  The rain returns soon and possibly snow and ice, so I should take it while I can.  

I also really need to cook.  I got off balance and went out to lunch with a coworker, and the scale is saying I gained two pounds.  Oof.  It was a big plate of white rice and bulgogi beef and spring mix, so I knew it was a lot of calories but two pounds worth?  Scales and my body are weird. 

Going to start sourdough today, to bake tomorrow.  Have winter squash already cut to just pop into the oven.  And I want to clear out my freezer.  I had stashed meals in the freezer for this week because it was scheduled to be tough, and I'm through it, so those can get eaten.  I think I'll also bake more millet berry dessert because I've got the berries and it's fucking good; sweet but very low sugar, and I eat it with yogurt.  I need to get more milk and make yogurt.  OK, yes, getting back into the swing of cooking after a week off.  

And now, time for work.  

 

knit

 Whenever I think of knitting during revolutionary times, I think of Madame Defarge in Tale of Two Cities.  That aside, I was intrigued by the idea of craftivism.  I'd be happy to set up with some knitting at a protest - the standing around is hard for me, I want to be doing something.  

So I was delighted to see this article about a protest hat pattern.  I've bought the pattern and found a yarn store that I can bike to who has open time this weekend.  They are discounting their yarn for this purpose, right on.  So I'll buy the needles there and maybe somebody will want to give me a hand to start.  I haven't knitted for over 30 years - I knit exactly one thing, a sweater I still wear, in a knitting class I attended at a yarn store that is long gone but I remember exactly where it was, and I'd bike with the project each week.  AFter that, I was done.  I started crocheting as a child, my aunt taught us because we were obnoxious and it kept us entertained.  That I stopped doing probably 40 years ago, though I remember it as even easier than knitting. 

So.  There's my new weekend plan.  Knit a resistance hat.  Yay.  

**

Oof, I needed a day off from productivity and I took it; didn't get too much done yesterday.  I need to reassess my priorities for the weekend.  Food is key.  I plan to make squash and lentils today and garbanzo cabbage peanut salad, and I need to purchase and prep what I'll cook later in the week because I won't have the bandwidth to handle it then.  Have a big work thing scheduled to start Thursday.  Still a lot to do to prepare for that, and a crisis that took about 12 hours to deal with last week threw me off schedule, but I think I'm ok barring any more emergencies; I think I have currently two half days left blocked for only this.  My support team has been particularly helpful lately, which is great.   I have very little control over the priorities foisted upon me, but I try to manage. 

I didn't realize how many activities there are going on at the library, including a craft circle where I could maybe go for help on the hats if the store's times don't work for me.  What a great use of public space and resources.  I use the library heavily for books and I haven't even gotten into the other things that I can borrow, and I've occasionally gone to events but there's a lot more I could if and when I have the energy and bandwidth.  There's a guy I know who was going off about how nobody uses the library, everyone is afraid, because of all the unhoused people who gather there.  I just looked him straight in the eye and said, "I use it ALL. THE. TIME."  And I don't like hang out there, though I have in the past like when I was visiting and needed to study or work, and it's a lovely space so I would hang out there if I had the bandwidth.  I've occasionally seen dust-ups like when someone stay in the restroom for hours and staff tell them they can't do that, have sometimes been in the elevator with people who smell bad, etc., and there are always dozens of people who are hanging out there for no other place to go, and some of them are under the influence, but none of that has prevented me from using the library in any way.  I don't need a sanitized version of life to engage in it.  

Again, I just really like how close to the city center I am, with almost everything I need within biking distance.  Even the person who is organizing the seed saving events appreciates where I'm located - any time she comes into town I'm right there, and she'll be dropping more things off with me tomorrow.  She lives in tiny house on a farm, type of place, and she's acknowledged that there are too many mice for her to be able to save seeds, etc.  I, however, have a ton of climate controlled space to stash things.  I've filled one closet and I have more, plus corners of rooms.  And I absolutely do not have mice.  I did for a minute when I renovated the kitchen and one made its way in.  He was bold, watching us without fear, and I was appalled at how my dog DIDN'T EVEN SEE OR SMELL IT - as murderous as the hound is, you'd think she'd be all over killing it.  The dog of my childhood was an amazing rodent killer.  But no, she let me down.  But the many snap traps I put everywhere took care of it, and there's been zero sign of rodents in the house since then.  Plus, I have plastic bins I can put the things into if needed.  I feel ridiculous for how much space I have - a 3 bedroom, two bath, two car garage house.  I sleep in the guest room bed when my dog is asleep in my bed and doesn't want to be disturbed, because I can.  It's that ridiculous.  But it's sure convenient for needs like this, and she is grateful, and I'm grateful to her for all the coordinating she does and all her knowledge.  I always learn a lot from her, and I'm glad I can help in this way. 

OK, scale says I lost 1.4 pounds this past week, so that's some traction.  Still within the range of "maybe it's real and not just a fluke."  It took me under a benchmark.  I'll keep going.  The next big benchmark that I've created is in 15 pounds more, so that'll maybe be this summer.   

OK, off to walk the dog.  gotta move, at least a little.  

 

fat

 So apparently I can't eat a lot of fat.  Which I have long known, but i forget.  Curry with full fat coconut milk?  yeah, that's too many moments on the toilet.  

Sigh.  

Hopefully the reduced fat coconut milk is better.  I usually dont' like reduced fat products because it inidicates a level of processing which I avoid.  But if I can't take it, I can't. And to be clear, I use 2% milk, not whole milk, for yogurt, etc.  i should confirm the lowfat coconut milk is the same, just straining off fat without adding junk.

 I talk a lot about cheese and butter, but honestly I don't eat it excessively.  Maybe 1 serving per day of cheese on average, 1 serving of butter maybe three times a week.  I know how long it takes me to go through a container of cheese and of butter.   

ANYWAY.

There was a challenge and I failed.  On the one hand, I would love my house to be a social hub.  It's centrally located, tons of parking and on a bike route, why not meet up here?  But when I was asked for that, for EXACTLY that, I froze and declined.  I blamed the dog, which is a valid concern, but also?  I don't want people in my house.  Touching things with their dirty fingers and all of that.  I don't want it.  And maybe I'll be less controlling about it as I don't have to keep such tight control on work, but maybe this is also just who I am.

And so the event is at a public gathering place not far from me, and I would usually bike or maybe walk, but I need to carry seven bins full of things for our function.  

I like how this person just directly asks and I respond and we go from there.  It seems healthy communication, I hope they see it the same way.

I logged off work early today for the first time in AGES.  I mean, it was 20 minutes early, and I still checked email right up until 5 pm, but that's EARLY for me and my long days.  I reached a stopping point, a reviewable first draft of a part of a project, and I sent it for feedback and yay for me.  I may get no feedback but I clicked some things together and yay.  There's still lots more to do, and I have another block of time that I can devote to it, and I'm pretty happy with how I reduced my stress load by pushing to get earlier deadlines met.  I do not thrive in a procrastinator's prison - I am a full week ahead of deadlines and proud of myself.  I'll still tinker and probably end up spending more time on it, but as of right now I do not have to give up any of my weekend, and I can fit the final steps into the time I have in the workday.  And that's awesome.  And so I made dinner, cleaned up, and it's only 7:30 pm, so I have another couple of hours to read or plan the next meal or something else.  

Now I need to think of a finger snack to take to the event.  Oh, maybe jalapeno cheddar muffins.  That sounds good.  Oh, maybe zucchini ... I have quite a lot of that shredded in the freezer, but savory not sweet.  

***

Ooweee it's been a long week.  Lots of work at the last second.  Don't want to talk more about work because it's Saturday!  Dog and I are happy.  She didn't get her walk last week because it was too cold to want to drive in my truck, but she will get it tomorrow, yay.  And today I need to get out and move, there was too much sitting and screen staring all week.  Move mulch, prep garden beds.  I probably need to get more garden soil to top off the beds but its not really urgent so it'll wait and see if I really do.  I have two books to return to the library, one of which is due today and the other I just don't want to read (started and didn't like it), and I'm almost done with another that is also due today.  The one I finished last night is Colin Gets Promoted and Dooms the World and it was ok.  The Dovekeepers is what I didn't like.  Both of those were recommended by friends.  One Day Everyone Will Have Been Against This is almost done but it's definitely a book to stop and ponder and reread.  But, there's a long hold list and I don't want to keep its excellence from other people.  

Yesterday I picked up Great Big Beautiful Life, which I'll have a couple of weeks to read.  I also have Wards of the State which I've been not reading but it just got called in with a hold request so I'll at least start that and see. I still have a dozen hold requests and I'm coming to the top for more soon, so I'll keep momentum going.  I'm also keeping a list of books I want to read that I'm not requesting a hold on - I only usually do that if it's popular and a long queue, and authors I've liked.  Almost everything I'm reading now is recommendations from friends or the "best of" book lists.  I'm trying hard to get back into reading and it seems like I'm getting back on track but I'm being careful to not push too hard and derail myself.  

There are several things I like about Facebook, and one is when people post books they read and liked.  (Other things include when people post about their sobriety, their kids and pets being cute or funny, and political activism heads up from friends.)  

I need to get better about protecting my eyes.  I reached out to my boss about accessibility because someone post to the intranet a document we're supposed to use and I had enough.  They used very light colored font, and the lack of contrast and other style choices actually nauseated me to try to read.  She said there's a management meeting she can bring it up to.  It's not just that document, it's a regular issue where I work, but I finally was done squinting.  My eyes are super important to me and they are kind of ragged.  Been myopic since very little, and last year found that the top layer on my right eye is like folded which causes issues but hopefully doesn't continue to worsen and I won't need surgery (I saw a specialist), and my oil glands get blocked so don't keep my eyes moisturized.  The eye doctor I saw last week said I should be using the warm compress and wipes EVERY NIGHT which was WAAAAY more than I am willing to commit to, though she did tell me about the compress that is just one eye at a time, so I dnot' have to sit with my eyes closed for 7 minutes every night.  But also I don't want to have to buy wipes as she strongly urged - that's like $20/month on an item that seems unnecessary.  Also I'm kind of annoyed because the doctor who diagnosed it the previous year didn't give any details about frequency or anything beyond "warm compress."  So I asked a lot more questions this time, even when I didn't care for the answers.  She said that they are seeing way more of this problem in young people now, probably because of all the screen time.  I so look forward to when I can retire and am no longer spending so many hours staring at a screen.  My body is not made for this life of being a wage slave.

No more food shopping this last week because I'm almost at my budget limit has been good, got me digging in the storage and using things up.  Eating a lot more yogurt with frozen berries, sourdough, etc. - things that I make as habit.  I do still have $13 I can spend this month and be on track, but I'm afraid to overspend if I go to spend that, so I'll just wait until tomorrow.  I think I want to treat myself with a chocolate cherry cake, to use up some of the sour cherries I picked last year, but need to figure out a low sugar option that is still tasty and satisfying as a treat (and freezes well).  Even if I cut the sugar in recipes by half, it's usually a lot more sugar than I want to consume.  I'd rather use dates and fruit to sweeten. 

My official weigh in day is Sunday morning, but I cheat along the way, and so far this week I'm on a positive trajectory, in terms of the direction I want to be going (down).  So that also keeps me motivated to eat "clean."  I was craving a Reuben sandwich because I saw one on TV show (High Potential), but I wouldn't be able to get a good one plus tip for less than $13 so I stayed firm and ate some more turnip greens.  The budget has multiple benefits.   

Federal tax refund landed yesterday so that's going straight to my mortgage. Everything helps.  I'm so focused on paying off my house and retiring, it's almost an obsession.  I'm quite proud of myself for finding a deduction that the tax software hadn't identified.  I read IRS guidance and think I'm clearly correct.  Yay for me.  It's not a huge amount and if I'm not overly worried about being wrong, but still proud of myself.  I've been audited twice but each time, I got MORE refund.  And not like a full audit where I had to meet with the IRS, just somebody there going over my return to check it for accuracy and then sending me a check for more.  I remember once having a roommate who went to a tax preparer who told her to claim like $20,000 in mortgage deduction and SHE DIDN'T OWN A HOUSE.  We were all renting.  I remember being so concerned for her and telling her not to, and she's like "they know what they're doing! everyone is doing it" and I'm like "what they're doing is fraud and it'll bite you in the ass."  They were convicted later, I know that for sure, though I don't know if she was also caught along with all their other clients.  At best she's probably paying the IRS forever.  I liked her, we all got along well despite being very different, but I never understood her choices.  She spent so much money on things she didn't need to and then lamented how she never had any money.  Like, and I know this is a little thing, but she'd make dinner, eat, and then THROW AWAY THE REST.  She just didn't want to eat leftovers.  That could have cut her food bill, but no.  She ate out, drank out a lot.  She wore a ton of makeup, would use washcloths to remove it, and then when they wouldn't wash out clean she'd throw them away and buy new ones.  If she didn't like her iron anymore, she'd just throw it away.  Granted, we were in southern California where this behavior is the norm, but the other roommate (from Germany) and I were always astounded and would go retrieve the perfectly good item to use for years to come.  My point is just that I would never deliberately defraud the government (even when evil - so it's less a moral issue and more a not wanting to be convicted of tax fraud) and I have a pattern of erring on the side of overpaying taxes apparently, but I am proud of determining this legal deduction when the tax software hadn't.  

Not a ton of demanding to-dos for this weekend. I'd like to move mulch to get some activity, maybe bike to the library and if there's a protest to join (things are heating up hard here with fucking federal agents so I'm shopping for riot gear like a mask to protect from tear gas and ear plugs to protect from noise including LRAD - but to be honest, the protest noise bothers me especially all the honking).  Walk the dog tomorrow.  Clean, laundry, cooking as usual.   Quilt - I haven't done that in a couple of weeks because my hands were hurting so bad, but they're better now.  Read.  OH, i need to clean filters for heating/vacuum.  

I saw photos from the ski trip I skipped and I'm glad I didn't go - the snow was seriously hardpacked and would have caused pain to fall on, there were so many people there, etc.  Totally unlike the skiing that I have very enjoyed - stepping outside my house, strapping on my skis, and being the only human around as I note the different quality of sound depending on how cold it is (the shush-shush of skis is VERY different between 20 above and 20 below, and below 30 below it just starts to feel dangerous though I sometimes pushed through because I was young and invincible).  The nature and solitude, the beauty of it all, that's what I loved.  Seeing moose and porcupines and other critters; back then I had a very smart dog who didn't like danger (unlike my thrill seeking psychopath now).  Going to a ski resort isn't likely going to cut it for me at all.  Though I may try again sometime when my job isn't so demanding.  

OK, we're above 40 degrees now, probably time to start getting out there and being active.  The dog has done her rounds and is snoozing beside me, but she's always ready to rally.  She is really very sweet and does little things like walk me to bed, wait until I'm finished eating before coming to beg to clean the bowl, etc.  She does the best that she can do.  Don't we all?   

protest and groceries

 Scale says I lost 0.6 pounds.  I'll take it.  This weight loss is grindingly slow, 10 pounds in the last six or seven months.  IT's only expected to keep getting slower.  HOw much more do I want to lose?  Another 20 pounds or so would be good.  another 40 would be probably ideal.  

Waiting for laundry to dry so I can head out to the protest.  I realized that I do not need to buy poster board - I have cardboard and sharpies.  NO brilliant slogans today, just ABOLISH ICE on one side, the other IMPEACH HIM.

I may try wearing the thermal underwear I got for skiing. It's maybe up to 30 degrees now and I'll be cold.  I was going to wear a hat I've had for several years - I got it in Paris when I went to visit a friend around New Year's, from Africa, where I had zero clothes for cold weather for good reason.  It's never looked good so I'll stick with the fleece beanie I wear regularly in the cold.  It's not fancy and I don't care.  I got it on clearance at REI, back when even their low-end gear was worth the money.  Sadly it no longer is.  Their low-end stuff now, like rainjackets and rainpants, fall apart so quickly it's like they were bought at Walmart but way more expensive.  

No response from the cold weather shelter to my offer for help, so laundry is just mine today it appears.

Today I plan to FINALLY make the squash curry with baked tofu and black barley as the base grain.  I think I'll also make the purple cabbage garbanzo peanut salad I like so much and eat on pitas.  And I'll prep to cook sukuma wiki tomorrow.  I have a variety of greens to use up, and I've been craving beef.  I like the idea of veganism but I'm not fully there (yet).  

The dog is clingy.  Does she know that Alex Pretti had a Catahoula that died last year?  We Catahoula people are a special lot.  

I don't think anything will happen with today's protest, no tear gas, not likely to be arrested.  But I still reached out to Friend to ensure the dog is cared for no matter what.  

**

Protest was fine, several hundred people there crowding and spilling over from an intersection.  There was a little information especially urging us to civil resistance and to read Erica Chenoweth's research on that.  I appreciate homework. 

and now I'm cooking dinner and hoping to stay motivated to prep the next two meals as well.  

I've been spending a lot on food this month, hoping to stay under the $400/month budget but no guarantee.  I also have an eagle eye and caught that the store wasn't giving me the $2 off price on the feta, so they called the cheese monger to update prices.  The peanuts are also a little stale, which is actually good for discouraging me from just gobbling them all down.  They'll still be fine in the cabbage salad.  

 Oof, I am just all day every day wanting to be retired.  Just saw a tai chi course offered Thursdays at 8:30 am.  Guess where I am then?  GRINDING.  there are SO MANY things that I want to do that I cannot do because I work full time.  I want to volunteer at a soup kitchen type place.  So many other things.  And I can't.  Because I work.  I don't want to spend all my best life grinding.  Working 50+ hours every week is too much.

Ooooh, that curry turned out GOOD.  Very tasty and satisfying.  Just printed out ingredients to tape on containers to share in the little fridge, hoping somebody else likes it.  The squash disintegrated, maybe because I cooked it too long, maybe from freezing, so I only lightly cooked the chard and then the texture of the barley and baked tofu really added to it.  It's probably 5-6 meals worth (I eat smaller meals these days) and I will only want to eat it twice more, so off the meals go, and I sure hope somebody likes it.  

OK, my food spending this month is up to $387, which is high.  Budget is $400. I ate out once, which was about $19 with tip, but otherwise ... hm.  Where's the money going?  Food tariffs are hitting cheese prices for sure (feta, parmesan).  I'm wickedly stocked up on coffee - I just mixed the lighter roast with the french roast and it actually tastes fine.  I got avocado oil which was $17, and tuna (on sale) and butter (not on sale but very good).  And sparkling water.  That's all the double digit costs this month, everything else under $10.  So I think just some stocking up maybe.  More produce than I had been buyuing since my garden is done producing.  

IN theory at least, I shouldn't need to spend any more money in the next six days so I should be able to come in under budget, even though I'm out of things like milk.  I have the ingredients to make at least two meals which will also provide leftovers (beef & greens, tempeh chili - no, make that three - squash w/lentils & feta I just got), and other meals frozen including three kinds of burritos.  I can eat tuna sandwiches.  I have plenty of food in my freezer and pantry including a big bag of sweet potatoes I keep forgetting about and still like 10 more squash, and some frozen greens and green beans, plus apples in my fridge, dried fruit, and a ton of frozen berries.  Lots of beans of course, though I don't have time to cook from dried.  I also have sardines and some frozen salmon, pasta, fava bean pesto.  Oh yeah, I'm more than fine.  The week after this one will be a lot more challenging at work with no time to shop or cook so if I need to shop to be prepared for that, then I will, but otherwise I'm better than good.  I can live without milk and scallions and black barley and other such things.  

 

not unprecedented and also horrific

 I am well aware that my privilege allows me some measure of astonishment at the current situation with the US government.  I haven't been in their crosshairs before, unlike many others.  HOrrible things have been done by this government with different leaders.  

I just watched video of the killing of Alex Pretti, and I am horrified like so many others but not everyone is horrified.  Others are spinning lies, and that is a horror of its own.

NOthing I write seems anything but trite.  These are horrible times.

I've reached out again about volunteer organizing; they rejected me before and I'm going to push.  I also reached out to help do laundry for the cold shelters because i saw a Facebook post.  I love doing laundry, especially other people's.  Hopefully I hear back from them, but of course I can't do it during the week.  but I can be mobilized for when there are weekend needs.   

What can we do?  This feels overwhelming.  Minnesota is fucking amazing.  

I went to go see Friend from Grad School.  Her husband is obviously an immigrant by appearance and accent, and I wanted to check their pulse.  They seem ok, focused on other things like children's health.  I don't know if he's a citizen though obviously that doesn't matter now, nor the children, even though their mother is a blond American.  

I need to get tapped into support systems here, to help, to connect.

I wonder if I should be getting a firearm for protection.  Or a gas mask.  

the good thing today was that my friend's dog was no longer treating me as her nemesis.  She started with it but calmed down and let me give her treats for tricks.  She still thinks I'm suspicious but she isn't screaming at me the whole time so that's good.  I'm saddened that they're not force-free with her, which I think adds to her anxiety and behavior issues, from ecollars to spraying her with vinegar, jerking her collar, etc..  I am going to sound very judgmental, but ... it makes no sense why they got a dog.  They can barely stay on top of all of the family issues, and nobody seems to really like the dog except the daughter but only sometimes.  They can't even clean up the dog shit all over their yard (pooper scoopers make that SO EASY).  Look, their chaotic life I'm totally understanding of, but why add a dog to it and then be mean to it for acting out when you don't put time and energy into helping it behave well.  very very sad.  

 Then because she lives near Costco I went there and got more glass Snapware, butter, bouillon, and tuna on sale.  Very proud of my restraint.  I've had more Snapware on my list for ages and it was gone for quite awhile.  With freezing meals, I needed more than I have.  Hoping for a sale for one more set.  Oh, and tofu.  I like Costco's organic extra firm tofu and it's very inexpensive.  Not all tofu is created equal, and some is definitely better than other.  Four packs of it can feel overwhelming but its best by date is in late March so I shouldn't be daunted.  I do need more ways to prep it, though.  

***

I was up too late reading outrage about Alex Pretti's murder.  It feels unprecedented but of course this police violence from the federal level is not.  We have horrific history of this - including attacking people in the civil rights movement and AIM (American Indian Movement), Asian American internment camps,  Guantanamo, etc.  There are many dots creating this plane of fascist oppression, summary execution by state actors without due process.  

 And so I anticipate I will be out protesting today, just need to get out for more poster board.  Probably just ABOLISH ICE and IMPEACH HIM.  NOthing fancy.  I'm not feeling fancy, I'm feeling terrified and enraged and sorrowful.  

It's very cold and was reportedly down to 18 last night.  I haven't been running water or anything, so I feel quite lucky to have a pretty well insulated house.  In New Orleans I had so many issues with pipes freezing even when not this cold.  I'm skipping the dog walk today because the truck is really struggling to run in this cold.  I probably need to just get a new battery and stop waiting for a sale, and I probably need to fill up the gas tank so gas doesn't freeze in the lines.  

Also need to clean the house, cook, etc.  I got maybe halfway done with mulching, and did get the compost bins turned.  Need to do it again probably in a couple of weeks, when not freezing.  

Poor dog is suffering gastric distress which is probably because she was eating rotted compost yesterday.  Idiot.  when I took a break because it was frozen, I had to keep going to pound on the window to get her out of it.  Fortunately she slept most of the night and didn't have me up at 2 am to let her out, she waited until later.  She's usually not so stupid but this is her downfall.  it'll get through her system and she'll be fine.  

I need to do laundry so I can wear my favorite hoodie out in the cold to protest.  I wish I had friends here would show up for things like this, and I wish people at things like this were open to making friends there.  This whole region is so clique-ish, I do not like it.  But i'll make a lonely appearance and maybe it will be different this time. 

OK, time to keep apologizing to the dog for not giving her the usual Sunday walk because of truck failure in cold, and to start moving into the day.