spendthrift

 Oof, I'm spending money like crazy so far this month, or so it feels.  I need to do all my accounting and get myself back on track.  

Today I bought a nice smelling French bar soup and a shampoo bar.  It would be nice to have a bar shampoo I like, and I'll only find out by trying.  But still that's not budget behavior.

Finally cooked the squash and lentils tonight.  They're SO. GOOD.  Dressing with pomegranate molasses, feta and pepitas on top - so good.  

Oh, I need to start in on the tofu I got and figure out what I want to do with it.  While also eating through my freezer's frozen meals, to just fill it up again.   

Started sourdough today so I need to stretch and fold in a minute.  Bake tomorrow, pick up plants, do some yardwork, then come back inside and let it rain.  Hoping for a lot of rain.  We've not had nearly enough this year in the rainy season. 

In other news, magnesium glycinate is my new friend.  I bought it the first of December because I'd heard it was good for insomnia from racing minds, and then I didn't have any insomnia because I took off the last half of December.  But recently I had a night where I only got 3-4 hours of sleep, so I pulled it out, and the next night I thought I might have a problem, I took it, and boom.  Sleep.  I've used it twice now and it has worked great, with no side effects.  And I'm the queen of side effects.  I used to take magnesium occasionally for period back pain - something about menstruation often had me wrenching my back.  The chiropractor front desk staff turned me onto it and it worked perfectly.  I took maybe 1/3 of a bottle over many years until I tossed it after menopause.  I take supplements so very rarely, and having something that works like magnesium does for me is so fantastic.

When Friend came over the other day, the dog was weird - she said hello and was polite, but mostly she just stood beside me and watched Friend.  Like afraid she was going to be kidnapped or something.  She is absolutely my dog and mine alone.

**

Oooo weee, that pneumonia vaccination is hitting me hard days after.  I got it Thursday afternoon, and Saturday was rough.  I did push myself in the morning - walk half a mile or more with a garden cart to pick up 30 plants, go to a weed identification seminar - and then I was completely done.  Unable to hardly do laundry, which is just the easiest task every.  Every time I have to move it's a huge issue.  I've noticed that I've been stuck in a lot of inertia lately, which isn't great.  I like it better when I'm like popcorn - simmer for a bit and focus well, then pop up and do something else.  Staying prone with a laptop for hours is not great.  

So now it's Sunday and at least I had energy put away three loads of laundry this morning.  Drinking coffee and then we'll dog walk, and then I want to chill.  Push off some of the chores I have for today until later.

I am realizing that if I want to stay here where I am, I probably need to stay in my job for four more years.  If I can stay this frugal that long, I could have the house paid off and a bit of a nestegg to get me to 65 (when pensions start).   But holy fuck, FOUR MORE YEARS of this job which sucks my soul?  I don't think I can do that.  But in the alternative, I don't know if I want to go back to my vagabond life; the older I get, the less I enjoy packing everything I own into the back of my pickup (which is due to fully die any day now) and driving thousands of miles.  My house is not perfect but it has many amenities that I enjoy.  I could move abroad, I could downsize, I could do all sorts of things.  But honestly I'm tired.  I am not crazy about this town at all, but it's not the worst place I've been, and if I were not so drained by my job, there are plenty of things to do.  There are a lot of naturalist type activities, I was reminded of yesterday.  So many volunteer opportunities.  A retired life here does not sound awful, so long as I can make more friends and a better sense of community.  

But to survive four more years like this?  I don't know if I can do it.   On the other hand, all the times that I quit a job to go travel the world when I was young, I said "I'm taking my retirement early; I'll just work when I'm older!"  Well, I'm getting older, and that's a less appealing option now, though I have no regrets about my carefree youth.  

I can also keep an eye on an earlier date.  Like, maybe once the dog dies I'll look for a great multifamily dwelling; if I had an income stream of an apartment, that would be helpful.  I certainly miss that.  The setup I had in New Orleans was great, with an apartment in the back (and an en suite 2nd bedroom in the main house that I also rented out from time to time).  Or be open to moving to an area with a lower cost of living.  Or taking a job that pays less (I'll never find another job that pays this well) but has less stress.  

So, I'm not totally stuck, but I think I need to be realistic with myself about exactly when I can escape.  The counting down two more years is only if I can continue to make money, and if I'm really honest with myself, I do not want to start another job.  I want to be finished with working, and the easiest way to finish with working is to stay in this job for another four years.  

Sigh.