exciting weekend plans

 I have decided on the exciting plans for the upcoming days: tomato canning. 

In the height of summer when I was pretty overwhelmed with my bountiful yard, I stuffed numerous Ziplocs with San Marzano tomatoes and froze them.  Someday in winter, canning them would sound fun, I reasoned.

And I am approaching that someday.

Bonus: I'd like to empty out my freezer space so that will be quite helpful.

I think I'll do a batch of tomato paste and of pizza sauce.  We'll see how those go and what else I want to do.  I already canned up a bunch of diced tomatoes and salsa and frozen up a bunch of diced tomatoes in pint freezer bags.  

It was a very bountiful tomato year, and I'd like to put up enough to enjoy for two years so I don't have to grow much next year, using that space for something else.  What?  I don't know.  I have favas finally poking up from that bed.  

Other plans are to move around mulch, string wire for berry supports, make yogurt.  

I should probably do a few hours of work as well but I'm a little bit sour on that.  

I got my flu and COVID vaccines on Tuesday and I'm still three days later feeling a lot of soreness where shot went and swollen lymph nodes, but I did *not* get sick like I did the past three times, so that's a win.  It was Pfizer, which previously made me sick.  It was at a supermarket I absolutely loathe, which is funny because I worked there for years through college.  It was really different then - not such cluttered aisles, nobody hustling aggressively.  I think the parking was better then too though I never had a car then so didn't pay attention.  But I did often do cart runs which I quite enjoyed.  I also really enjoyed sorting recyclable drink containers, which NOBODY else liked.  But I got to be alone in a room and make order, which is all my thing.  That room is gone now and everything else is really different and weird.  I hate how crowded it is always.  But I went there because the other supermarkets near me didn't have openings.  I'm glad it's done.  Sometimes when I have some downtime and don't have to worry about reactions, I guess I'm also supposed to get my pneumonia vaccine.  

Also, I plan to make up batches of muffins to try my date paste sweetener and use up bananas and apples and carrots.  They'll be good snacks if they're tasty.  

It's not an exciting life, but it works for me.

Oh, and my rowing machine came tonight so I'll put that together and give it a go.

I'm still really surprised how many steps I make each day, even when not doing much walking.  I'm near 7,000 steps for the day; my goal is 7,500 average. 

first Fitbit notes

 Got the Fitbit about 24 hours ago, and I'm trying to get used to wearing something.  I'm not someone who ever wants to wear jewelry, so it's an adjustment.  

What is most fascinating right now is how I get way more steps than I anticipated.  I thought I had a sedentary life on the days I wasn't doing manual labor, so imagine my surprise that I'm nearly at 5,000 steps before 2 pm on a day where I just went to the office and a store and then home again. 

Office was weird - we have to be there but they don't want to pay us overtime so they try to rush us, which just stressed out my team member and made it take longer.  If they want to fight me for that extra half hour of pay, I'll take that fight.  We were there and working, so fuck you for the stress.  I'll probably not volunteer to work this holiday again, overtime pay be damned.  

Anyway, that makes me feel like less of a sedentary oaf than I thought I was.  

And it's fun to track my sleep cycles, and I will like to see the hours of sleep recorded so I can note any concerning trends.  I've definitely been struggling more lately with getting enough sleep so this will hold me accountable to improving that.

Mostly I just want to figure out how to unlink notifications from my phone and the like.  I don't need texts or Facebook Messenger on my fucking watch, thank you very much. 

Anyway, now my weekend begins early, with a little daylight left on this Friday, but it's fucking cold outside (in the 30s) so I may not do more than stroll around the yard a bit more.  I like to walk my yard; the dog and I pretend we have vast acreage and she checks it all.

I want to clean the house, maybe find a podcast I like and listen to that while I puzzle, roast some cauliflower for dinner, maybe make some carrot-apple muffins sweetened with date paste.  Oh, I need to work on my dishwasher - it stopped working yesterday and I was kind of freaked out so did a deep dive.  I think the issue was that I had a bowl on top of the sink drain that was blocking the air gap equivalent; at least I'm hoping that's all it was.  But I'm going to take everything out and clean the filters, etc.  It's a fancy Bosch dishwasher which should not be causing me difficulties, but it likes attention.  I don't mind giving it a little attention so long as I don't have to pay a repairperson.  Maybe I'll make potato leek soup - definitely the weather for it.  Brrrr  

So maybe it wasn't the end of the world to work a few hours to get paid some overtime.  I'm still annoyed, but getting off early is great too. 

as I was saying

 Thanksgiving dinner with friends of many decades.  Young children there with their parents and both sets of grandparents.  Five-year-old to everyone, "No, you cannot sit with me."  Points directly at me, "I want only you!"  He says, "I don't remember you.  They tell me that I know you but I only remember your glasses."  I like his frankness and am amused.  Also, I need to see my friends more often because I haven't seen him since last Thanksgiving, and that's 20% of his entire life.

Like I said, I'm good with kids.  Of course I'll fill your plate and monitor your eating.  Of course I'll play with you, though the grandma at one time called me out for a mean streak when I cheated harder than he did.  "I admit it, but in my defense, he's laughing and having fun."  

What else?  

The turkey was nice and moist but I do not care for smoked meats.  My pie was the highlight for me at least.  

A flashback photo was posted on Facebook of 1993, and I was sitting on the front row.  It was taken and posted by a former professor, and I don't think I was still her student at the time that I was spending holidays with her, but I do know that I had a massive crush on her when she was my professor and I pushed our friendship and she reciprocated; I have snippets of memories, of fixing bicycles together, her driving us to the mall, eating together, hanging out at coffee ships, my long letters to her when I was in Russia.  We blurred lines between professor and student though nothing sexual ever happened.  It's so weird to see me from 31 years ago.  I was dressed strangely and I had such a round face.  It was the early 90s and we were all a little weird I guess, but I was really weird.  Plus I looked like a baby surrounded by tough lesbians.  It's wild to see baby me, baby us.  More than half my life ago.  

 

giving thanks

 I'm salty AF because I got stuck working tomorrow the day after Thanksgiving when the office is actually closed (my own fault, I volunteered, I hate myself for this) and it has turned into like a massively busy day because everyone who's off is handing me their work.  At least five other people's work, I'm doing.  And I'm not salty at them because they're not working so of course the coverage person has to do it, but I'm salty with myself for volunteering when I really needed a four day weekend.

But that's tomorrow.  Today is Thanksgiving.  And I am opposed to all the colonialism and genocide that it represents and also I appreciate the harvest feast nature of it.  

I slept in very late (like 8:30!) and I'm glad I told Friend yesterday that we should take separate cars.  We're going to her family's and it's a drive, but she wanted more time there than me so fossil fuel waste it is.  I needed this morning, though.  I was too tired to make pie last night so I did it immediately upon waking and now it's in the oven.  I think I may have made a tough pie crust with overmixing but oh well.  It's just whole wheat pastry flour and butter and salt and water, which is a much nicer ingredient list than what I could buy from a factory.  I ended up using actual sugar in the pie, but a much more reasonable amount than is in most pies - it works out to about 8-10 grams of sugar per slice, which is not bad for a holiday treat.  The trick for me will of course be turning down all the other heavy sugar foods.  We'll see how this goes.

Anyway, as I woke up and lay there grateful for sleeping in, I did like a gratefulness check as I do each morning.  So grateful for so many things in my life.  Like this house, this body, this dog, these things.  I have all I need and so much more, and I got lucky AF.

I also have worked really hard all my life.  As I made the pie crust in the food processor, my mind returned to more than 40 years ago (how is this possible that I'm so old?), when I was a member of a club in high school and our big fundraiser was pies that we would make and deliver the days before Thanksgiving.  I don't remember really why I was in the club, but I know that what I liked best was how hard I worked making pie crusts by hand of course.  I got really good at it and I was a fucking machine, making so many of them.  

I've always been a really hard worker, and I attribute my success in life to that and a shit-ton of luck.  And I'm very grateful for this life.  So grateful that I never had to marry or have children, neither of which would I be very good at no matter how hard I worked.  So grateful I can afford this single life and I may someday be able to retire on good financial footing.  Grateful for a body that works ok for one that's been thrashed about as this one has.  

So, that's the theme of the day.

Though I am of course still going to rant.  I am livid with the "doctor" that I saw.  She has been ignoring some concerning health markers because she thinks she has all the answers.  I have very high triglycerides and hsCRP, among some other things, and the response was "well, it's because of your weight and thyroid."  Except that is a very lazy answer that ignores that fat people can actually live longer than their 50s and that clearly something is wrong when over two years my triglyceride levels have skyrocketed.  And she clearly didn't understand the basics of what hsCRP is, which I know a bit about from the book by the doctor I've been reading as well as a slew of NIH and other peer-reviewed research.  Also I'm so fucking sick and tired of her thinking my thyroid issues explain everything.  I actually agreed to taking the suppressant she was sure would cure all problems and it made me feel the worst I've felt in my life.  Sure, it made the numbers look normal but it made me feel so horrible.  Why the fuck would I agree to "treatment" like this?  Especially when I have seen excellent endocrinologists who agree with the course of action that hacks keep trying to undermine.  She's not even a medical doctor, she's a nurse practitioner.  And I'm sorry to be dismissive of NPs, but I'm done with this.  So I started looking up other options and this is a wasteland of unavailable crappy doctors, BUT there is a concierge-like service I'm considering.  Yes I would have to pay over $100/month and insurance doesn't cover anything, but maybe getting off this ridiculous wheel of poor treatment would make things better.  Also, I will not tolerate a healthcare provider with fat bias like this, especially when I have been so "good" for months regarding limiting ultraprocessed foods and sugar.  If she had tried to drill down with me, I'd be fine with a different interpretation of the results - but like for the hsCRP, it says right there that if it's levels as high as mine that it needs to be retested in two weeks because that's concerning and can show infection, etc.  I pointed that out and she basically said, well you aren't sick or have an infection, so that's because of your weight.  Look, I am not morbidly obese.  It's also not my weight directly causing arthritis in my hands which you keep ignoring; and how do you know I wasn't sick?  We didn't even meet in person (not my choice - I was alerted the day of the appointment I set three months ago that she was unavailable in person but we could telehealth if necessary, and that was a shitshow of bad technology).  These have been my providers for coming on two years and I have NEVER had a physical exam with anyone there.  They make me come in for stupid-fuck appointments that have no meaning, wasting all of our time, but refuse to provide real care (like I had an abscess and they refused to deal with it, so despite very excellent insurance I had to just let it rupture and heal on its own?).  It's the stupidest thing.

So yeah, I'm changing medical providers, even if I have to pay more money and/or drive inconveniently far (any place I cannot bike to is inconveniently far).  I just really don't to develop heart disease or diabetes.  Maybe I'm on my own and the best I can hope for is someone who will agree to sign a letter of medical necessity for a rowing machine, but I just feel like I deserve more.  

Pie is done, laundry going, I'm grateful for a couple more hours to just be still and alone before going to see people whom I genuinely do like but who are exhausting and the children are always carrying something like COVID.

good things

 There are things I'm good at, and one of them is handling kids.  Not in their homes particularly, but out in public?  I'm your gal.  I don't work directly with children but occasionally I do have contact, and it's always funny how people tell me I won't be able to get them to behave or get what I want - but I have yet to have anything but exactly what I want to happen when I step in.  

I don't know what this is that works so well but it always leaves me marveling.  Why it is?  Because I taught 8th grade for a decade.  How their minds work, it is fascinating to me.  So I really listen, maybe that's what it is.  I answer their questions, no matter how far afield.  They get curious because I treat them with respect and hear them.  Take them for who they are, see them as people. 

It's so much fun for me, so invigorating.  

I'm sure if I did it all the time I'd be exhausted and have less than a perfect record, but I like this occasional time.  

I biked to work today, another reason I'm feeling cool.  Just baked sweet potatoes to make pie tomorrow, yet another cool reason.  It'll be low sugar, but I'm not going all the way with trying date paste.  I'll do that for me sometime. A coworker and I chatted today, and I like how we do this.  She was on my team when I first started and we clashed badly.  She is difficult and I want things done a certain way, so it was not great.  She was reassigned, and I actively worked to build a relationship with her, and also to show her another way.  She has freely admitted that she assumes the worst of people and is very negative, so I show her a different way.  I also have reports that she likes to gossip and sow dissent, so I have my work cut out for me. 

Though to be fair, I was feeling pretty negative about an office meeting today - I saw the agenda and thought it was targeting me for correction, but it wasn't.  These were actually confirmations that I have been doing things correctly, some apologies from management for miscommunications when I've demanded clarity. 

But usually, I don't assume the worst.  And so I show that to my coworker, and I think she actually believes me now.  We have enjoyable conversations, not so forced as in the beginning.  

I still don't want to work with her full-time, but we're happy to help each other out as necessary.  This is much nicer than discord.  She said she's never had a sweet potato pie, so I'm probably going to make one for her someday.  That's much nicer than complaining about each other, isn't it?

The very exciting thing today is a 12 oz Zojirushi thermos mug that I will use for green tea.  Every mug I could find was like 30+ ounces and who needs that.  I have often wanted to have a mug of green tea to take with me to work or meetings, and I only want a normal size cup not a gallon, so now there is no stopping me.  Definitely a treat myself thing that I've talked myself out of for ages, but I really wanted it so I bought it. 

the hound

I have been sitting on the couch a lot.  A lot of working there, watching TV, etc.  Probably too much, because the dog feels entitled to couch snuggle time every evening apparently.  

Today I was putting away a clothesbasket of laundry I'd forgotten to do over the weekend, and she came in, following me at every step, and when I turned to look at her she looks so woeful.  I quickly finished the task and went back to the couch, and she was happy again.  Then she fell into a deep sleep and entertained me with her running and barking as she dreamed.  It seemed a happy dream. 

She can be so sweet and entertaining.  I know she will not live forever, and for all the stress she creates and how liberating it will be after, I will also miss her tremendously. 

article to save, +.2

 I like this article on health changes I've been making.  It breaks down interventions in a way I was doing - start here, then next, and so on.  Definitely saving to continue to refer to.  

It's not raining yet today, so I look forward to our walk soon.  My feet have been hurting a lot but I'll stumble along.  The dog lives for these weekly outings.  

My hands have also been hurting a lot, and I need to stop using the computer when I can to give them a break. 

Yesterday I made date paste to try to use it as a sugar substitute (I soaked, boiled, then food processed them).  I have deglet noor dates which I prefer to the too sweet medjool, but I don't know that they'll work great replacing sugar as they're not super sweet in the paste form.  I might try to make a sweet potato pie today or tomorrow to see if it will work to replace all sugar with the date paste; it will look a drab color unfortunately, but how will the taste be.  I'm taking a pie to Thanksgiving to avoid eating sugar (and to try to set a healthy example for the friends with diabetes and pre-diabetes who eat a lot of sugar) and I'd like it to be good so I probably need to do a trial run.  I'll still get sugar in the salad dressing and such, but I can reduce it drastically by not eating the usual desserts.  

Yesterday's farmers market was abundant and it was hard to carry about 30 pounds of produce the blocks back to the car.  There is a massive cauliflower that I'll roast, collards and kale, turnips with greens, leeks, potatoes, sauerkraut with turmeric, peppers for posole, and I don't even remember what all else, but my refrigerator is stuffed with goodness to prepare for the upcoming week.  I also have so much winter squash from my garden to use up (at least 15), beets and carrots and onions and garlic in cold storage, tomatoes that are still ripening, and canned beets and beans, plus some frozen cabbage to use up.  I'm definitely in a good position to be vegetable focused.  I just have to suck it up when I do not feel like preparing food.  I have so many ingredients but so little food to eat, and it can be overwhelming to have to chop and cook when I'm hungry right now.  Oh, I also want to make some muffins with local apples and carrots I need to use up; I can try that with the date paste.  Those will be a lovely snack when I don't feel up to making a meal.  

Well, the scale says that I gained .2 pounds the past week.  I did have a piece of cheesecake after taking blood tests, something I'd been craving for weeks and used as a reward for going to the lab which I really hate to do.  It seems that my weight loss stalls or even gains when I have just one dessert per week, even when I'm reducing the other calories that day (it was my dinner - which yes, I know is not healthy, but it was once!).  I do not have any idea how I will be able to maintain a lower weight in the real world without extreme measures like bringing my own dessert made from dates, or never again enjoying baked goods (which I receive great pleasure from).  I don't really care if people think I'm a weirdo, but it's a lot.  So that's a bummer to navigate.