I'm salty AF because I got stuck working tomorrow the day after Thanksgiving when the office is actually closed (my own fault, I volunteered, I hate myself for this) and it has turned into like a massively busy day because everyone who's off is handing me their work. At least five other people's work, I'm doing. And I'm not salty at them because they're not working so of course the coverage person has to do it, but I'm salty with myself for volunteering when I really needed a four day weekend.
But that's tomorrow. Today is Thanksgiving. And I am opposed to all the colonialism and genocide that it represents and also I appreciate the harvest feast nature of it.
I slept in very late (like 8:30!) and I'm glad I told Friend yesterday that we should take separate cars. We're going to her family's and it's a drive, but she wanted more time there than me so fossil fuel waste it is. I needed this morning, though. I was too tired to make pie last night so I did it immediately upon waking and now it's in the oven. I think I may have made a tough pie crust with overmixing but oh well. It's just whole wheat pastry flour and butter and salt and water, which is a much nicer ingredient list than what I could buy from a factory. I ended up using actual sugar in the pie, but a much more reasonable amount than is in most pies - it works out to about 8-10 grams of sugar per slice, which is not bad for a holiday treat. The trick for me will of course be turning down all the other heavy sugar foods. We'll see how this goes.
Anyway, as I woke up and lay there grateful for sleeping in, I did like a gratefulness check as I do each morning. So grateful for so many things in my life. Like this house, this body, this dog, these things. I have all I need and so much more, and I got lucky AF.
I also have worked really hard all my life. As I made the pie crust in the food processor, my mind returned to more than 40 years ago (how is this possible that I'm so old?), when I was a member of a club in high school and our big fundraiser was pies that we would make and deliver the days before Thanksgiving. I don't remember really why I was in the club, but I know that what I liked best was how hard I worked making pie crusts by hand of course. I got really good at it and I was a fucking machine, making so many of them.
I've always been a really hard worker, and I attribute my success in life to that and a shit-ton of luck. And I'm very grateful for this life. So grateful that I never had to marry or have children, neither of which would I be very good at no matter how hard I worked. So grateful I can afford this single life and I may someday be able to retire on good financial footing. Grateful for a body that works ok for one that's been thrashed about as this one has.
So, that's the theme of the day.
Though I am of course still going to rant. I am livid with the "doctor" that I saw. She has been ignoring some concerning health markers because she thinks she has all the answers. I have very high triglycerides and hsCRP, among some other things, and the response was "well, it's because of your weight and thyroid." Except that is a very lazy answer that ignores that fat people can actually live longer than their 50s and that clearly something is wrong when over two years my triglyceride levels have skyrocketed. And she clearly didn't understand the basics of what hsCRP is, which I know a bit about from the book by the doctor I've been reading as well as a slew of NIH and other peer-reviewed research. Also I'm so fucking sick and tired of her thinking my thyroid issues explain everything. I actually agreed to taking the suppressant she was sure would cure all problems and it made me feel the worst I've felt in my life. Sure, it made the numbers look normal but it made me feel so horrible. Why the fuck would I agree to "treatment" like this? Especially when I have seen excellent endocrinologists who agree with the course of action that hacks keep trying to undermine. She's not even a medical doctor, she's a nurse practitioner. And I'm sorry to be dismissive of NPs, but I'm done with this. So I started looking up other options and this is a wasteland of unavailable crappy doctors, BUT there is a concierge-like service I'm considering. Yes I would have to pay over $100/month and insurance doesn't cover anything, but maybe getting off this ridiculous wheel of poor treatment would make things better. Also, I will not tolerate a healthcare provider with fat bias like this, especially when I have been so "good" for months regarding limiting ultraprocessed foods and sugar. If she had tried to drill down with me, I'd be fine with a different interpretation of the results - but like for the hsCRP, it says right there that if it's levels as high as mine that it needs to be retested in two weeks because that's concerning and can show infection, etc. I pointed that out and she basically said, well you aren't sick or have an infection, so that's because of your weight. Look, I am not morbidly obese. It's also not my weight directly causing arthritis in my hands which you keep ignoring; and how do you know I wasn't sick? We didn't even meet in person (not my choice - I was alerted the day of the appointment I set three months ago that she was unavailable in person but we could telehealth if necessary, and that was a shitshow of bad technology). These have been my providers for coming on two years and I have NEVER had a physical exam with anyone there. They make me come in for stupid-fuck appointments that have no meaning, wasting all of our time, but refuse to provide real care (like I had an abscess and they refused to deal with it, so despite very excellent insurance I had to just let it rupture and heal on its own?). It's the stupidest thing.
So yeah, I'm changing medical providers, even if I have to pay more money and/or drive inconveniently far (any place I cannot bike to is inconveniently far). I just really don't to develop heart disease or diabetes. Maybe I'm on my own and the best I can hope for is someone who will agree to sign a letter of medical necessity for a rowing machine, but I just feel like I deserve more.
Pie is done, laundry going, I'm grateful for a couple more hours to just be still and alone before going to see people whom I genuinely do like but who are exhausting and the children are always carrying something like COVID.
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