resilience, it's lacking

 I am just so fed up, and I have lost the ability to roll with things.  I hope I get the ability back, because this sucks.

The guys who fixed my windows did a crap job at least on some level and they havent' even finished even though they insisted that they had.  I just sent a photo to the guy I pay asking him to do quality check for all sorts of things like they didn't prime or caulk or replace broken siding, and they smeared something weird at the top of the window frames that's going to look bad when it's painted (it looks honestly like concrete patch, so it's rough and grey).  That's just one window and I'm not climbing up a ladder.  I'm just so frustrated and tired.

Today I got really frustrated at work because they aren't hiring somebody else to do the work but instead expect me to be in numerous places simultaneously and get upset if I'm not.  I cannot work on your project when somebody else calls and demands I be in a meeting.  STOP PUTTING ME IN THE MIDDLE.  Sure, your request is entirely reasonable IF THAT'S ALL I WERE DOING.  I have to not carry this stress because it's not mine to possess - I need to shake it off and do only what I can without stress.  But it is ridiculous too because I'm being asked constantly to fix problems because these people are being stupid.  I have to make phone calls and figure out where something is because you can't use your email?  Why?  I have to tell you answers to questions that are your responsibility to know?  Why?  They are making three times as much money as I am and I'm having to answer to waaaay too many people.  This is stupid.  

So I came home and the dog was SUPER wound up and I told her to knock it off and she did.  Thank goodness, because I can't take more.  

And this is stupid.  I'm actually sleeping ok and not in excruciating pain at the moment.  I'm physically active.  My problems are minor compared to other people.  But I am being completely unreasonable and I can't handle the world and its frustrations. 

end of a long weekend

 Lots of early morning, like 4:30 am. Too much to do to stay in bed. 

My tenant finally asked me straight out, though couching it through her parents - "My parents are wondering if you're planning to get rid of the house, because the repairs are going so slowly." 

Ugh.  I know, I know.  It's all so slow, because I am a frail human with limits.  Friday was more bad news - rotted roof joists.  Like badly rotted.  Fortunately on the garages and not the house itself, and likely due to improper roofing (the pitch is not steep enough for shingles and metal is not fine for totally flat either, which were the two materials used).  To fix?  About $7,000.  At least.  Uuuggggghhhhh.  

And I got rather frustrated yesterday because I'm paying two men and most of the time one is watching the other.  Upon the discovery of the rot, I redirected them to doing a fence section.  Then I left for an hour, in which time they did nothing because they had a question for me (which I'd already answered, several times, and which the man I'm paying could have answered).  They moved a hundred rotted fenceboards into a very bad place (blocking access) which I then had to move.  Why am I paying them so much money?  And because I've done this myself before, I know that they were slow.  And when I asked one to put the fascia boards back up temporarily, he said he has to watch his son attach fence boards to ensure it's done properly.  Wait, what?  Ugh.  I was cranky and picked up debris. 

The good news is when I could finally let Ziggy out that she was beyond delighted, investigating and running laps and doing parkour.  So, I still have one bad fence section but I'm not super concerned about that one because my neighbor put up a new fence there recently on the other side.  So was it worth the hundreds of dollars I paid for them to put that up?  I guess?  I then discovered that they'd broken my sawhorses and I'm just really sick and tired of workers using my equipment because they never take care like I do of my own things.  And I thought that by paying a lot more that I wouldn't have to babysit so much, so I'm quite frustrated.  So we'll take a break.  Not too long because I need to keep moving and get done. 

I just mopped some of my floors for the first time in a very long time.  Filthy wash water.  It's just so hard to be motivated to do things like that when another mess is coming along.  I did quite a lot of food preparation, like ten jars of turkey stock, pickled mirliton, braised kale in a big pot to have with breakfast, goji berry scones, sourdough banana muffins, and various other things.  My cooking is good and I eat too much but it felt good to finally be in the groove again.

I called my faculty advisor to figure out next steps, and he was drunk and entertaining.  Essentially 26 minutes of him telling me how amazing I am.  He starts with smart and then he compares me to other people (you're smarter than me!  you're smarter than most people in academia!) and so on, and then he goes to how I'm a good cook, and on and on.  He works hard to coach people positively and ... it was just a lot because he was drunk.  He made clear what I need to do but I still just feel so stuck.  

I need help.  I need somebody to help me clean, somebody to take my truck to the shop to get oil changed and take me to work, somebody to cook healthy meals for me, somebody to help with gardening (of which I have much to do and did absolutely nothing), somebody to field some of these repair issues and estimates, somebody to keep me going if I have a bad reaction to the booster.  

But I have no help.  And I'm overwhelmed and obviously doing things poorly, but oh well.  Suck it up and keep going. 

it was a lovely Thanksgiving

 I went to the house of a former coworker and had a lovely time with her, her husband, and another friend of hers.  The food was good as was the company.  She's a very good hostess, as I knew her to be, and it was really nice to catch up which we've been trying to do for months.

They are also moving away soon.  Like my other friends, they have stayed here to care for elderly relatives, who have now passed away and they are free to move - the only question for all of us is to where.  

I realize now too that most of my favorite New Orleans people have left.  Many of the closest heart friends - they're gone.  I am always so thrilled when they come to visit, but they're not here.  And of course others have passed away.  This isn't the same place for me as in years past. 

It is possible to make friends with new people, but ... why.  Also, they are annoying - when I got back and had the time, I spent a lot more time with people and I like all those people a lot better when we spend less time together.  Road trips don't always bring out the best.  

Much about my leaving timeline will depend on the housing market - this house probably won't be very easy to sell because it's weird. But that's ok.  I knew 5hat when I bought it.  It's still a good house.  And there's a year and a half at least until I can leave (2 year ownership/occupancy tax rule).  Then we'll head west and Ziggy can snuggle with her auntie.  

I need to buckle down on some health things - more stretching, more movement, more vegetables.  I'm feeling the need from within so hopefully that will be he necessary pressure.  I've been missing the previous two places I worked where we would take walks to talk shop, and I could start that up where I am perhaps.  

So I am off work again today, in a delightful four day weekend.  It was kicked off with such a lovely day and the only bummer for the rest is that the carpenters will be here today and tomorrow.  They'll be in the way if I try to do work, and I have to keep the dog contained in the house because the gates are open.  Oh well.  I'll make the most of it.  And I woke up before 5 this morning so I may take the dog out for a walk shortly in the dark and hope for the best.  I have milk on the stovetop to make yogurt, and I may try to take my truck to the shop for oil change, and then I plan to can sweet potatoes.  Simmer collards, roast squash.  Clean the house.  Move a few plants I realized are misplaced.  Fill in some garden bed gaps, lay some mulch.  Maybe start some sourdough.  It's a chilly day which is perfect for me to work.  

It's going to be another good day, as days off work always are. 

a sunny Thanksgiving day

The hound and I went over to visit friends yesterday (work released us early).  Their dog was so happy to see us and he bounded around with joy, with the funniest little gallop, and Ziggy was good at first.  They were completely appropriate running around and doing things near each other, and it was a perfect day for us to sit outside in their little yard, with the only part missing was that Mr. friend had to go to do PT and Ziggy really loves him.  That lasted about an hour, and then she first looked out the gate where he'd gone to see if he'd be coming back, and then came to me and looked to convey "I'm ready to go."  I thought I'd have time to finish a leisurely conversation, but with her typical urgency she then started to melt down almost immediately.  When she's done, she's done, and off we went.  We were really only there to say hi and get her a break from the constant pounding on the house from carpenters, but we stopped along the way for a goat head she'll enjoy devouring today as her Thanksgiving treat (and ham hocks for me, that I'll cook a big pot of greens with - my backyard collards are looking very good), and then I stopped at a nursery and got a native mulberry tree to plant where the citrus are getting removed from.  The horticulturist was good and smart and I appreciated him, but it is not a native plant nursery and they had very little.  He did suggest crabapple tree but then it turns out the ones they have aren't local to here, and I wasn't sure how usable they were anyway.  When I was a kid spending summers in the midwest I remember being out on horseback and running into (literally - the horse was an asshole) a bunch of crabapples that I picked and took and my aunt said they were not useful and I was sad.  But I could probably figure out uses, like jelly, but I wanted to investigate first.  He also suggested yaupon holly which is lovely for birds but I need to look at it some more before deciding.  And honestly my front yard is getting pretty packed now, and I don't really want more bird luring into my backyard because they're starting to make my dog crazy.  The mulberries will be enough, though she will quite like all that the birds drop and she can eat.  

And now it's Thanksgiving, my favorite holiday, though of course fraught with unfaced historical atrocities.  I like it as a harvest festival, as a transitioning of seasons, of gathering with friends.  

Oh glad I looked up the yaupon holly - it's definitely not for me.  And to clarify, my yard isn't actually packed at all - it's quite sparse.  But the plants will fill in quite nicely I expect, and I can add as space allows, but I don't want to crowd out what I've planted now.  I have one more nursery to check out before I'm done for the season.  I am notoriously NOT a landscaper, but I'm ok with that. 

Sweet potatoes are in the oven, as I'll make a pie.  Potatoes just about ready to boil up for midwestern potato dairy casserole.  Laundry going, to hang on the line.  I want to do a thorough housecleaning, but it's very nice out today so I may do more yardwork instead until I head over to dinner at 2.  It's cutting up my day but that's fine - we'll be dining outside.  When going inside, my friend asks that we mask, and I know she has serious health issues with a transplant and such.  What I just learned is that 77% of the adult population of New Orleans is fully vaccinated, which is great.  I'm set to get a booster but a bit afraid of negative side effects and don't want to give up a weekend feeling crappy.  

Oh, what I was going to say - my friends we visited are thinking of moving away, and that has me even more serious about leaving myself.  They are probably my closest friends here (definitely Ziggy's closest friends) and we would really miss them.  So then I started looking up retirement communities where friends live and found a perfect one - in a mid-sized town, located right downtown near lots of things nearby, with independent living but also lots of activities, and dinner and brunch provided.  The price is great for all that and I could make that work sooner than later.  I am only in my mid-50s and have loads of time before I really NEED to move into a community like that, but I recall that my grandmother's very best years were spent in a place like that.  I remember the big house that she lived in, in a small town, and the decision to move to another part of the state to be in the same place as her daughter.  She refused to live with any of her children because she had cared for many years for her father in her home, and he was awful, and she didn't want to be that way.  She did get cranky as she aged, so she called that right.  But her best years (at least after her husband died, when I was a baby and don't remember) were those spent in a retirement community where she had her own apartment and friends all around.  It was fun to visit her there and I think something like that would be great for me someday.

But of course not yet and probably not for many years.  But I can think about the pleasures of it - dinner provided and not having to cook myself?  Sweet.  Weekly housecleaning?  A close community of people who have time to hang out?  That all sounds good to me.  I just feel overwhelmed now, with all my projects, and I understand the appeal of downsizing.  And I'm loving the idea of having less stuff.  I could minimize now, but the reality is that I use the things I have, so that would be stupid.  As I was saying to my friend, I have all these ladders which the carpenters are using, because it's necessary for all that needs to be done ... but how great it would be to live someplace where I don't have to have ladders because other people are wholly responsible.  

But not today.  Today I am cooking and cleaning and gardening and all that on my own.  So it goes.

diseased trees

 When I got back to New Orleans earlier this year one of the very first things I did was get five citrus trees and plant them at appropriate distance in my backyard.

And then it rained and rained and rained, and like everything else they suffered.  But looking to my gorgeous loquat which used to look sickly, I thought "Oh, they'll just get over it.  In five years I will have an abundance of citrus" and I'd get really excited about it.  Five year plan.  Leaving New Orleans sooner didn't appeal to me because I really wanted my food forest to blossom.

And now I learn that the trees have canker.  Which is not treatable, is highly contagious, and I need to just rip them out and destroy them, and because now the bacterium probably lives on other vegetation I can't replant anytime soon.  OH, and my pomegranate also looks to have a type of canker, and that poor tree isn't really happy in this wet climate anyway.

I am saddened.  This weekend will be sad destruction of trees, which I paid $200 for, so I'm really unhappy.  The guy I bought them from suggested copper fungicide; the ag agent said that doesn't do much.  the reality is if I were to any way cause this to infect the industry, I would not forgive myself, so I am taking the cautious step.

Now I need to find other food forest goodness that are more disease resistant and can handle our crazy weather.  I have a thriving loquat, a feijoa that doesn't produce (yet?), a blue java banana that is growing at a crazy fast rate, some elderberries that just will not be deterred, some turmeric I can probably harvest and save some for next year.  I have several garden beds filled with vegetables.  

Knowing that I cant have citrus or pomegranate anymore forces me to look to other options.  I'll get plantains from a friend.  But what else?  OH and my yard is so very very weedy.  I delight in all the different plants with flowers but other people are repulsed.

So, my food forest plans are for naught.  No more five year plan. 

decisions to make

 Seriously, this roofing salesguy is the best salesperson ever.  He just really sticks with me.

He called today with options other than what I want for shingle color.  I really want a light shingle to help with summer heat; they aren't available anywhere.  So he offers some shade darker greys and browns.  Definitely not brown because I'll be painting my house sea salt and gray, but ... do I let go of what I want for shingle color?  He says we can keep waiting if I want to.  I am also eager and who knows if and when these shingles will exist again.

This isn't my forever house.  I need to keep repeating that because the workers are making me crazy.  Things like not priming replacement window trim.  Not being careful around my brand new washing machine.  Not being finished already.  Writing on the windows.  Not using the right caulk.  Not being ready to do what we'd arranged and I left work early to do.  And so on and so on.  

And now I get to the point of I'll just fix the things I can do myself.  I can build a new gate.  I can repair the door.  I can repair my fence.  I can paint three rooms.  BUT I DON'T WANT TO.  I want somebody else to do all the things.  I work full-time and am trying to not be consumed with work.  I need a break from all the things. But I do not have confidence in these guys, especially not to make anything that i want to look nice.  

I have one more recommendation to try, a husband-wife couple.  They're not licensed so I didn't use them for the main stuff, but I might turn to them.  

The dog is doing remarkably well, being trapped inside all day while people pound on her windows.  We had a very bad day Saturday, and she's been sucking up to me ever since.  She can be the perfect dog when she sets her mind to it, which is nice.  So, maybe two more days of these guys stressing me out, and then the roof sometime soon for maybe two days of keeping her trapped inside, and then a heap of interior work, which I have not worked out yet.  Keep her locked in a bedroom for a week?  Sheesh.  This sucks.  And she's such an intense beast, I may live a little in fear of her moods.  And then painting, which can be three weeks, requiring access to backyard.  And gutters more of same.  Not sure how we'll get through all this.

Because there's always more, right?  Damage to the metal roof on the garage was found today, and I'll need someone to replace those sheets.  Fuck.  

this house

 Ugh, the workers have me stressed out, as I see some of their work is good but not always so.  the guy I contracted with isn't great with communication, like not telling me they would show up today, so when they arrived and I wasn't here, they left.  Which is fine, I'd rather they not be here on my weekends.  But I do very much want them to finish.  They do what workers do - leave their things around.  I picked up trash, I moved their things out of the way - it's just unpleasant.  I'm cutting short my list of things to do as I may go with somebody else for those things.  Some people do not stress me out as much.  

And of course, my house is not a nice house.  It's cheap and the opposite of fancy. 

But I need to remember to be grateful because this house gives me a lot.  I bought it at a good price and with apartment attached, so it's not expensive for me.  The second bedroom en suite makes it easy with guests or a roommate.  It's got lots of space to garden, and for the dog to run.  For laundry to dry in the line, for loquats to blossom.  

This house is good to me and I am lucky to have it.