picking

 Ok, so I *really* need to stop weeding.  I'm pretty sure I'm pulling up things that I planted.  I don't really remember where all I plant things, and I don't recognize all of the weeds here.  And those two things would not be a problem EXCEPT that I'm very very thorough.  So, I need to stop for awhile.  To be fair to myself, I do recognize a number of things popping up, but not everything.  So, stop. 

I have picking energy - like the energy I get to get things done.  I love this energy.  My kitchen is the cleanest it's been in ages, everything put away.  I just ran dishwater for three items, which I rarely do.  but fuck yeah I want things clean, and I don't want to sit around watching TV.  

Getting money to the godson is a massive pain in my ass.  Yesterday I went to his bank and my check was still rejected after waiting there forever with a very annoying person.  I think that once I confirm the check is actually rejected, that I'll try a wire transfer.  His mother said she'd just drive down and get a check, but she's sick.  HE needs to step up and figure things out.   Don't make us elderly ladies do it for you, kid.  

 One of my ride-or-dies just won a National Merit Scholarship - I'm so proud of her!  Her mother is wicked smart (engineer from MIT) so it's no surprise, but it's still fantastic.  She's such her own person and always has been.  

**

My bulk food purchases today were oats, corn starch (I use it with tofu mostly), and two types of lentils.  And plantain chips.  I think I've figured out my Wednesday treat - a small container of bulk plantain chips.  Definitely satisfied that junk food craving for only 50 cents and better ingredients.  and I noticed some other flaked grains like rye that I can use to make musli.  

And now I'm making the filling for sweet potato white bean chipotle whole wheat burritos.  they are So. Good, and freeze so well for meals later, and the tortillas and chipotles were on sale.  don't know if I'll have the oomph to roll the burritos after all the chopping and cooking and then cooling, because the cooling will take a long time, but if not today then tomorrow.  I made a very big batch so it's kind of a lot.  20 large burritos to be frozen should last me quite some time.  

And I went to the library to pick up another book, and I swung by the used bookstore and got two books - one a MOosewood cookbook I used to enjoy at a friend's house, the other a book about berries.  Very soon it will be berry season.  I love berries.  Both for $5.  I'll pass them along when done with them.  Maybe it is time for me to start turning to cookbooks again - I seek recipes on-line for things I already have or are craving, but cookbooks may provide more inspiration.  I still would like to take cooking classes, especially for vegan food.  Tonight I rescued an onion and a sweet potato that were molding - I could look at it as wasteful that I've had them so long that they're going bad, but I will think of it instead as using them just in time, cutting out the bad parts.  

 

weight

 My weight is still bobbing around where i got a few months ago and I'm wondering if I'm dealing with a new "set point" and this is as good as it gets for now and I should just stabilize.  My big concern is yo-yo dieting - I don't want to get strict with eating in a way that is not sustainable and then when I go "off diet" the weight just piles back on.  I'm already living a life with enough privation - the cutback on sugar and ultraprocessed foods isn't easy.  If I were to then cut out other pleasures, such as dairy (cheese, yogurt, butter, half & half in coffee), I'm afraid I'd really start to rebel with the restrictions.  There is no fucking way in hell that I want to live a life without bread - and yes, I'll continue to make it all myself as I cannot seem to find a whole grain sourdough without any sugar.  (If I were gluten intolerant then I would give it up of course, but I'm the opposite of gluten intolerant - I love gluten, firmly in the pro-gluten camp here.  I've given up a lot of other things because of intolerances, such as figs and shellfish, which I can do when I need to.)  I can be more cognizant of using less oil, and continue to focus on vegetables, but I'm not seeing the easy path of weight loss ahead for now.  When I retire and have more time and bandwidth, I can focus on more exercise and more vegetables, but I'm at about as good as I'm going to get for now.  The one thing that I do think will help is a food diary, just for a few weeks.  All the measuring and recording will get on my nerves for sure so I am waiting for a less busy time.  

And I have lost 20% of my body weight, which is no sneezing matter.  I wanted to lose another 30 pounds but maybe that's for the future.  If I can hold here, and not gain weight, that will be good.   

maybe a better way for me to measure my health is to focus on jars.  This last dishwasher load had six jars, all of which I had processed.  Two were black beans, one was squash, two were tomatoes, and one was dehydrated pears (which I'd been eating from for months).  This is a healthy diet (though the squash was for the dog) and shows my food preservation efforts are fruitful and not wasted.  

Now I'm making lentil loaf, which I like to eat for breakfast on toast.  Cooking the lentils, sauteeing onion and garlic, using up the last of the walnuts I'd soaked and trying sunflower seeds for the rest.  Add a carrot, first time for that, and I like lentils and carrots together.  Once the bread is done the lentil loaf can bake, and while that's baking I'll prep the squash to roast.  It's a bit of a beast with thick skin, and I cut a couple of fingers last week.  I'll try to be more careful this time.  

I very very much would like a slicing machine for the bread that I bake.  A knife is a struggle and I keep mangling the loaves and slices.  There are manual ones that seem quite nice but the Swiss or German version is over $200 and the Chinese knock-offs on Amazon and Walmart are $60.  That is a difficult choice for me to make.  I remember when I lived in Germany, the kitchen had a roll-out drawer specifically with this slicing machine on it, and we used it not infrequently.  Also, nobody can ever tell me that there is any bread better than German bread.  It is the very best in the world, so far better than French bread. I will die on this hill.  I feel it as strongly as I do Oxford commas.  

Oh!  Saw a post for giving away a Dutch oven, and I responded, and I was chosen, and it's within biking distance to me so I will head over there shortly (after the squash is finished roasting) and carry it back in the milk crate that someone gave me for free.  He responded and messaged me when I was out dumping vegetable scraps in the large compost tumbler I'd gotten for free (which was fucking heavy and awkward to get in and out of the truck, but I did it).  I love free things!  

Squash is roasted and it's very tasty!  I love this variety so much.  So, off for the dutch oven and then I'll come back and cook up more lentils, to eat with the squash, with feta and pomegranate molasses dressing and pepitas.  one of my favorite meals.  And then for dinner I'll make potato leek soup.   And maybe some more prep for the week.  Put the tofu in the freezer and maybe chop up the broccoli so that's easy to prep.  Check the sweet potato situation and maybe prep those to cook for burritos, though I need to go back to the store for chipotles in adobo if I'm doing that.  I can cook them later this week unless the sweet potatoes are turning.  I love those burritos so much.  Oh, that's right, I have leftover tempeh chili that I should eat for dinner tonight and freeze the rest.  I'll make the potato leek soup tomorrow.  Or maybe I make it tonight and eat the tempeh chili tomorrow.  Decisions, decisions ... such good food.  

Still need to do cleaning and laundry, and it's already 3 pm.  Sigh.  Not enough hours in the weekend.  

**

 Well, I got most things done today that I wanted to get done, yay.  I'm actually planning out the next level of chores (cleaning furniture I got for free, that sort of thing).   

 

 

DST

 I very much do not care for this clock changing thing twice per year.  The one thing I would ask this POS POTUS is to change this.  Of course he wont' do anything I want him to, but still.  I can put that out into the universe.  i was talking with someone who said she's very happy because this is the schedule that works well for her body.  I don't care what the schedule is, I can adjust.  I just don't adjust well to the twice per year changing of the adjustment. 

Anyway.

I didn't sleep enough because I wasn't falling asleep well and then the dog woke me up too early.  She's got a very loud tummy right now, probably because she ate some compost before I could stop her.  Gremlin. Like the little monster, not the little car that I think my grandmother had when I was young, which she mostly kept garaged and I remember her three-wheel bike which I presume she used to get around the small town where she lived.  Very very small town, though that was different then - there was a grocery store that could meet the needs, and a good library, and all the things really.  And, I still think Gremlins are cute cars.  OMG, I just looked at houses for sale in that small town and they are so cheap.  It's another good reality check that I can just leave this expensive place and retire earlier.  Of course, I have to think of quality of life, as I have quite a number of things that I want in a place where I live.  I am a fussy resident.  I do idealize a small walkable town and wish I could find one that worked for me.  

The sourdough is on its final rise and we'll out to dog walk once the coffee is done.  It's expected to be another warm day, overcast (which is better for me as the sun saps my energy), but I need to do a lot of inside things today.  Cleaning and cooking and reading and such.  I'll be out there though because I delight in nice weather and being outside.  I feel like I missed winter this year, there was no real downtime.  Maybe that's just how winter usually is here.  And unfortunately now we're probably dealing with tick season which makes the walks much less enjoyable (or the aftermath of them).  But, better to just do it and be done with it rather than continuing to drag my heels ... 

 

labor

 Oof, I spent a considerable amount of time out in the sunshine, and I'm whupped.  Got most of my yard tasks finished that are on my list.  All the native plants are in the ground, which was the main thing.  And also weeded (though I don't have to weed much because of all the mulch), moved mulch, trimmed plants back, etc. etc.  I'll be sore tomorrow for sure, and i'll survive.  Good tired.  So, the indoor things mostly didn't get done, but there's still tomorrow.  Well, a bit less of a tomorrow.  God I hate changing the clocks and having to adjust.  

A dear friend in St. Louis insists that's an excellent retirement area for me.  I will say that the cost of living and housing prices look great to me, and I will definitely go check it out.  It looks like a fun, cool place to be.  But what gives me pause is that all the houses I'm looking at - which are mostly nicer than the house I'm in now - are on very small lots, built very close to each other, and there are no attached garages.  The average lot size seems to be about 3,000 sq ft, and ... I have triple that size now, and I use it all.  And I very much love having a garage - for car, bike, projects, etc.  So, I definitely need to think about what I really want.  And go visit.  but plane fares are high.  

And now I'm going to bitch about something I have absolutely no right to bitch about.  it looks like my parents gave their house to my youngest sibling and he's delinquent on taxes which tells me he didn't take out a loan, and I know he's not in any high-paying profession (he literally worked in a salt mine last I knew; his criminal history blocked other paths).  It's a nice house that they built, like almost 3000 square feet, on 40 acres.  Absolutely no way could he and his wife (a preschool teacher) afford it.

Obviously I have no entitlement to any inheritance, but that's still a little wild to me.  He's always been a bit of a fuck-up, but we all have been.  I'd love somebody to give me a nice house.  My parents never helped me financially once I left home at 17.  Hell, if somebody just sent me a check to help pay down my house, I'd be happy, I don't need to inherit a house though I wouldn't complain about that either (though of course I don't want to live where they lived - I found it a not pleasant place, between the ticks and the cold winter wind).  I don't know what is usually done; I know with one cousin who took over the family''s farm that there was a very clear financial plan for him to buy the business and farm and house, that nothing was just given to him (even though the others wanted nothing to do with the farm - one married an architect out of state, another was a dentist, another was a fuck-up who may have wanted to farm but couldn't keep shit together).  I just assumed that usually houses are sold now to divide up inheritance among multiple children.  But again, I don't expect anything.  Secret to happiness, lowering expectations.  I'm not really an entitled person at least where family is concerned.  I bonded with an uncle about this once - he was always the outcast.  I don't really remember how we met up somewhere away from everyone else, in California somehow, but we got each other.  We didn't even have to talk about it much, just recognized it.  He was also not the favored child.  He was trapped for decades though, and when he finally broke free of family ties, he was so much happier and really pleasant to spend time with, not at all the grumpy man I'd known all my life.  Some of us just aren't fit for family life. 

Anyway, I have to let this go.  Sure, it would be nice to have financial support, but I've done ok totally on my own (with some help from friends, usually in the form of a couch to surf).   

without knowing the future

 I have access to some grafted fruit trees for not much money, and ... is it worth planting them?  Will I be here long enough to enjoy the fruit?  

A place I go out the road to get fruit sometimes is a large plot of land with a ton of fruit trees.  So much more than the owners can use, so they kindly provide u-pick at a discount.  And they told me that the people they bought from had planted those trees like in their 70s.  The thing is, the house and location is very nice so that house probably cost at least $750K, probably closer to a million, and most people that can afford a house like that don't really want the work of maintaining dozens of fruit trees.  (Though, if I think about it - I'm not certain that they bought the land with the house on it; the house seems to be very much to the standard and style of the people currently living there.)  Yes, it's a wonderful idea to plant for the future, and I have wonderful apple, pear, and green plum trees.  But even my neighbors don't know how to handle the fruit - they just let it drop and mold.  It's so sad.  But to be fair to them, I put a ton of work into using it and not everyone wants to do that.  

We live in a supermarket world, not an orchard one.  Of course there are outliers who want to nurture these trees, but do I really want to plant something and nurture it along for years until I leave, and then the next person doesn't want them?  Like, I picked cherries one year at a person's house because her husband is deathly allergic.  they need to remove that tree - or like me.  I had to remove the fig blocking my backdoor because I'm so allergic to figs.  It was a gorgeous fig and that bummed me out, but oh well.  

Do I know that whoever comes after me will want the landscaping I've done?  No, not at all.  I mean, I do think landscaping with native plants especially in the front yard is probably a good idea because of not needing to irrigate once established, etc.  Obviously some landscape architect would come and start from scratch because I'm not professionally trained - I just pop things in where it feels good.  But do I think that whoever comes next will appreciate my completely mulched with wood chips yards? No.  I'm not in denial about that.  I'm sure they'll clear it and lay sod probably at least in the backyard and especially if they have children (which would be nice - there seem to be zero children in a neighborhood enclave, which I think is very strange and it would be great for this area to transition to one with children of all ages because it's set up nicely for that).  And they can do whatever they want to do.  I would be sad if they cut down the apple tree that I think is so gorgeous and feeds me so well (I still have apples in my crisper drawer and I dehydrated heaps), but it's none of my business after I leave.  I know how to let things go and move on.

**

Now it's Saturday morning and it's already sunny and I have so many things I want to do today both inside and out.  One thing I've been struggling with is reading the book I started - The Dream Hotel by Laila Lalami.  It's about a woman who is in detention because of dreams she's alleged to have had.  It's incredibly depressing in large part because it seems not far from where we are now.  I'm terrified of AI and the state of our government and all the horrible things going on.  It feels like any one of us could be detained for something as bizarre as reported dreams.  I do want to keep reading though in case it gets an optimistic turn, but every time I pick it up I fall asleep or am distracted by something else.  It's due this week so I need to either commit or give up.

I've made some good progress on the quilt though it mocks me with how much more there is to do, and my hand is feeling the strain.  Push, but not too hard, or I'll have to go back to PT and be in too much pain.  I will feel incredibly gratified when I finish this damn thing, which I started in about 2007 or 2008.  

Cleaning absolutely needs to happen.  And the outdoor things I absolutely must finish up so I can get peas in the ground, finish all native plants planting, etc.  I may skip pruning this year because I don't actually know wtf I'm doing, and I think what I'll do is get flagging tape to mark branches this summer to remove next winter, and I'll go to one of the pruning classes I've seen advertised.  I did go to one a few years ago but I didn't retain information - it's not really something i understand. I mean, of course I can do basics - I prune the fuck out of my grapes each year.  But, I grew up in a world of wild forests, so pruning is foreign to me.  I have a lot to learn.  I've paid a guy the last few years and he is wonderful and I really like him and supporting him, but that's money I could save.  And I do want to save, of course.  I'm being a bit spendthrift with food this month so far though - I've eaten out twice already (salad with falafel yesterday, sandwich the day before that).  But, I have some credits that I can apply to food purchases (credit card rewards, bottle returns), so I can spend more and not exceed my budget.  It feels very indulgent and I'm in a state of mind to appreciate it.  I do though need to ask them to put the salad dressing on the side next time as there was too much of it.  I want to be more conscious about my oil consumption.  

Also cooking of course needs to happen.  The sourdough smells so good, hopefully it's ready for some baking.     

Looking forward to it warming up more and getting out to scrub the windows and siding and trim.  It'll be quite a task to do well (and lead to other tasks such as painting and regrettably needing to make or fix screens which I will inevitably wreck as I always do), but I will feel so good when it's done and my house is sparkling clean outside.  I'm really excited that I'm nearing the end of the urgent things to be done and now I can settle into the more regular tasks.  The patio should hopefully last several more years and I'll just need to do some wiping down each spring - repairing and refinishing that was a massive task.  All the mulching and garden setting up and planting - these things have all been a lot.  The massive kitchen gutting, the bathroom remodel - all these things are a lot on top of work and life.  But now I get to sit back and enjoy a lot of this work.  

OK, dog says it's time to finish coffee and head outside, and she's usually right.  

   

stitch by stitch

 My hands have gotten a bit less painful to use, so I've picked up the quilt again.  I'm doing the blocks around the edge now and it's a tedious task at best.  Trying to do two blocks a day which is both ambitious for me to devote regular time, but also not ambitious in scope of all that is still needed.  I would very much like to finish this hand quilt stitching before the weather warms up too much more.  And then I'll need to devote time to figuring out the binding, getting my sewing machine to work, etc.  And then I'll launder it and let it dry in the sun (because it will definitely be warm by the time I finish it) and I'll be DONE after 20 years.  

But then there are next fiber projects.  I have one or two more quilt tops that I made in Africa that I'd like to make more summer quilts from.  I have one that I completed that I love to use so it would be nice to have another.  And then I have fabrics that I collected that are New Orleans themed that I'd like to make a small quilt throw from to use in winter on the couch.  I think I might be able to make two, which would be even better.  

And then I think I'd be done.  I'd be through all my stash and unfinished quilt projects. I might still make a small baby quilt from time to time, but I think my quilting days are behind me.  I know many people quilt on into old age, but my arthritis is not enjoyable.  It's harder to thread the needle and hang onto it appropriately.  And some thing I keep doing despite the age-related decline, but this one doesn't currently bring me as much joy.  Except for my summer quilt, every quilt I've ever made I've given away.  I hope people have appreciated them, but they are A LOT of work.  At this point of my life at least, I'd prefer to do different work.  

It's Friday finally and I'm looking forward to a nice weekend.  It should be warm enough for me to want to be out there doing all the chores I've been putting off because of cold and rain - moving soil and mulch, shifting compost ingredients around, plant some more peas, finish the native plants planting (just a few more in the backyard), prune.  I might get a hand to take that table I rescued to the thrift shop since nobody has wanted it but it's been too heavy for me to move alone.  And then back inside, I"ll of course cook more.  I have sourdough on the counter, been feeding to revive and plan to bake on Sunday.  Really really need to just make the damn tempeh chili I've been thinking about for weeks.  And potato leek soup.  And lentils - probably lentil loaf that I like to eat for breakfast and something else - oh, probably the lentils with winter squash since I still have four squash left to use and they need to get used up.  I might make more sweet potato burritos since i just picked up some whole wheat tortillas on sale and have sweet potato and the other ingredients.  No farmers market this week because I am going to focus back on what I already have in the freezer and canned.  Probably a big pot of minestrone, a great way to get through the frozen vegetables and good for sharing.  Need to do some indoor cleaning.  It will be up to 60 this weekend which frankly isn't quite yet warm enough to do the outdoor cleaning of the patio and setting it up.  I want to wait for rainy season to be mostly done before I set up the patio with the rug and chairs and all that.  

OK, time to get ready for work.  Maybe I'll take a lunch break for some errands so I don't have to bother with it tomorrow.  Need a new fabric marking pen for the quilting design, some groceries, a couple things at the local department store.  No big purchases planned right now, though I'm thinking about some things.  Stick to the budget, but also don't live a deprived life.  

Yay for Friday.   

vibe check

 When I started in my job, it was painfully lonely.  Nobody really talked to me, nobody actually offered to help.  Shit was piled on me and it was awful.  I was completely excluded from conversations that would have been really helpful.  

And I swore that I would not treat people like that, and I haven't.  Every person who has come after me, I have shown up for.  Sometimes they need my help, sometimes not, but I offer.  And I mean it.  

Someone transferred to our office and I told her yesterday that I am always happy to do a vibe check, and I meant it.  And she emailed me and two other people in our office today, and we jumped on a call together and walked her through a weird thing.  

Nobody would ever have done that for me.  Nobody would have offered, nobody would have made themselves available.  There was fake niceness, but nothing that mattered.   

I forced the culture to change.  And I couldn't change everybody of course, but now we have a cadre of support.  And I am proud of what I did.  My shitty first two years are behind me and just because they were really really awful doesn't mean I have to inflict them on anyone else.