just sit down for a minute

 The task I've handled the past 2.5 hours seems easy, but when I'm schlepping heavy containers and sweeping rooms and moving heavy tables, it makes this gringa tired!  

The former head motivator of the organization pulled me to the side afterwards and said how critical I already am to the work.  Honestly, the main thing I'm doing is using my guest room closet to stash agricultural matter to distribute.  Easy peasy.  and when I was asked if I could process about 100 pounds more into small containers for sharing, I suggested another gathering, and a place was found near to my home, and we had about 15 people show up and we mostly worked hard for two hours and we completely finished the task that was thought to need four hours.  I was nose to the grindstone, prepped in advance, gave clear instructions, offered support to the lost, and powered through.  I'm very glad it was all finished so that it's not on me to do alone.  (though one nice person offered to show up if I ever need help again, but she lives an hour away so I wouldn't want to ask unless really necessary)  Now all I have to do is schlepp those bins back into my closet.  (There's nothing suspicious at all about what we're doing, I'm just trying to not make it too easy to be doxxed or something)  

The guy I was sitting next to said, "This is the best time ever.  I am having so much fun."  He was on vacation visiting a friend who said, "Hey want to go help this task today?"  Yes.  And there are super knowledgeable people there who talk about all sorts of things which we listen in on, and we chit chat while we learn and do something we agree is helpful to future food production in a completely non-commercial setting.  All volunteers just coming together to pitch in.  My kind of jam.  So to be recognized, though really it's just about me having more space than other people, it's nice to be seen.  Most people there are living in much less spacious digs - a lot of counterculture folks, in commune type living arrangements, show up.  Some people come from rural areas and have lots of barns, but we can't store things in there - really it needs to be in a house.  And I have way more house than I have stuff, so it works well.  My house is only about 1200 square feet but it's too much house for me, honestly.  

 One more thing - someone brought a pie, and I took a small sliver and tasted it and then threw away the rest and spit out what I tasted.  Of course I didn't let the person see, but it was not worth the calories, so trash it goes.   

Anyway, now I'm just sitting down for half an hour or so and then I really need to go spend an hour in the front yard picking up trash and weeding and probably moving some mulch.  It's not pouring rain now but it's supposed to tomorrow.  Yay for tomorrow being a holiday.  Maybe I'll just push all my cleaning and cooking until then, because I'm tired and I'm about to be even more tired. 

**

OK, weeding and trash picking up, done.  Yay.  I'll move mulch another day. 

My dog just gave me an air kiss, which is one my favorite things about her.  She was sniffing my face and wanted to show approval of me but knows I do not want her tongue anywhere near my face, so she pretends like she's licking me to show bonding to me but doesn't make contact.  It's a pretty advanced move.  She's a very smart dog.  

OK, I have minestrone to eat so I should do that.  And I should start the pot of black beans that's been soaking to simmer.  I intend to eat some big cheesy bean burritos for sure.  Yum.   

 

it was raining and I prevailed

 It was clearly drizzling when I left the house by bike, and then it was fully raining.  I tucked my rainjacket hood up under my helmet and kept going.  And it was exactly what I needed - to get my heartrate up, and be back out in the weather of February in this place.  Sure, it was only about 40 minutes in all, but it seems to have been the reset i wanted.  

And I spent no money.  I picked up the book from the library - avoiding eye contact with the unpleasant person who works there on Saturdays - and then I went to the farmers market and I walked around.  And I bargained with myself: if I focus on using up what I already have for the next week, then next Saturday I get to spend spend spend.  And by that, I mean, buy beets and potatoes and leeks and collards and kale and onions, and maybe mushrooms and that celery looked good too.  I will have a plan.  And for this week, I am making a plan to use things up.  Minestrone, tempeh chili, roasted squash and tofu, no-sugar sweet potato pie in a whole wheat crust I made in November and froze, canned pears, frozen berries, burritos, maybe another cornbread casserole with that turkey sausage, lentil soup, and so on.  And then next week I get to make borscht, maybe potato leek soup and/or maybe roasted leeks and vegetables with farro and feta and greens that I enjoyed last year, and some fun things with all those luscious greens.  And cabbage for sure.  Yum.  Because if I don't spend any money on food for the next week, then I will be underspent, yay.  I will though be cruising Costco in the next week because I have to fuel up my car.  Last time I fueled up my Subaru was six weeks ago and I've put about 180 miles on since then, so that is damn good if I say so myself, to drive only 30ish miles per week.  I am that little old lady who keeps her car in the garage and only drives to church each week - except to work instead of church.  I do look forward to when the construction is done and I can actually bike all the way to my other office location as well.  I won't always be able to do so because it is more distance and time and often I'm back-to-back in a rush, but even sometimes is better than never.  

Anyway, I am proud of myself for getting out there despite several unpleasantnesses.  And I held off on going to the grocery store because I can stop by tomorrow if there's something I desperately need that I'm cooking this weekend that cannot be substituted.  

And I also have to say that my coffee blend is fire.  I had bought a medium roast that I didn't care for, but when I mix it with a very dark roast, it's perfect and hits all the notes, and I don't need as much of the coffee to make a good cup.  That helped me avoid the vendor with the latte I like so much, but which is $5.  And having the millet-berry cake in my fridge to eat with yogurt helped me avoid the bakery stand which is exceptionally good.  So yeah, I'm proud of myself.  And now I've moved heavy crates into my garage for easy loading up for the event tomorrow, so some weight training there.  Sipping some green tea, and soon I'll shower and then start cooking.  I think I'll make a really large batch of minestrone to use up vegetables and beans and to share.  Oh, I may not have any more of the pasta I like to use in minestrone.  Oh well, I can add something else, even just broken up spaghetti.  Yes, I need to use up what I already have.  No, I didn't buy scallions; I can use onions or onion powder because that's what I have.  And I'm going to stop sweating about using up my homegrown garlic and rationing it - that's a good thing to use something all up, and I can buy more from the store (or farmers market - I saw some there today), and then start enjoying the homegrown again in July.  I'm a little daunted by the 15+ jars of pears that I canned (in a juice/water combo, no other added sugar), but they are fucking good and that can be my dessert.  also, I have a ton of overly dried plums that I need to figure out how to use up.  I also have a lot of jars of relish, which mostly I like mixed with tuna, or in a faux tuna that I make with garbanzos, but that's ok - it was hard to find a good relish without any added sugar or preservatives, so having enough homemade for a couple of years is good.  I did go too heavy on the mustard seed, learned it for next time.  I have only one more jar of canned peaches, and I think I got through all those many cans of green beans, or maybe there's one more left that I'll add today to minestrone.  I used up all the plums I'd canned and that took ages, so I shouldn't be overwhelmed by a ton of food canned - i can get through it even if I don't love it.  

One super petty gripe is that I want the tariffs to go away because the good cheeses are getting too expensive.  The parmesan and feta used to be reasonably priced at Costco, but it's gotten too high.  I like these cheeses for the flavor they provide with small amount.  But they need to be actually, and what I get at Trader Joe's is not anywhere in that league.  And so I go to a cheese counter, look for sales, and whimper at the cost.  Maybe it's a good time to explore other umami options.  But they are both just so damn good.

My mortgage was recalculated and the payment is going down about $30/month which is nice, but I may add on a monthly principal payment up to a round number, just to be paying it down a wee bit extra while I'm zealously saving to make a large lump sum payment and get it paid off way early.  It is motivating to see the balance go down more quickly.   

We got an email this morning from a colleague who had a very bad thing happen in one of her projects, as a heads up to us all, and it's chilling.  Very concerning and adds more anxiety to the things I've just been taking for granted.  I appreciate her candor and humility in sharing what happened.  I have tried to help set that tone, of fumbling and learning - when I started, everyone was just not even talking to each other really, or when they would there wasn't any recognition that we all make mistakes and could do better.  Fortunately two people hired after me have helped me change the tone, which I find so helpful because we learn from mistakes.  Not that I think she necessarily made a mistake, it could be our whole company making the mistake.  Just so much of what we do makes me feel icky a lot.  Not like I'm acting immorally or anything, but it's just sticks to me negatively.  

**

The dog keeps demanding more food.  She is insatiably hungry today.  It doesn't especially concern me as she goes in phases, but it's a little annoying for her to keep telling me she's hungry and demand more kibble.  She's always been self-regulating and stays at a pretty healthy weight.  

Got a refund from some escrow funds, and when I went to deposit that in my account, I discovered that my state tax refund had landed (even though the official word is it wouldn't until later).  So I immediately just rolled both of those over to pay down the mortgage more.  If I can keep up this focus and not have a big unexpected expense, I can definitely have my house paid off in three years, and in four years I'd probably have enough savings to retire.  I am incredibly fortunate to be in this financial position, and also, I have worked and continue to work fucking hard.  I've not ever gotten financial support from family after I was 17 (except for $1,000 when a grandmother died, which I used to go to Russia to learn Russian, which probably would have amused her as she was an English teacher), and I've done this all on my own, with usually non-monetary support of friends (one friend did loan me money to renovate the $40,000 house in New Orleans, but usually support from friends is more like a place to crash).  I, like everyone else in this shitty country, is one disaster away from being unhoused.  A health crisis or weather crisis or losing my job or anything like that and I could lose everything.  That's what drives me.  I have zero safety net besides a friend's couch.  If I can get my house paid off, then I should be able to live off my pensions/social security, and have sufficient savings for necessary repairs.  And then when it's no longer fun to live here, the income from the house can go to whatever type of next home I want/need.  Alternatively, I'll just move into a different house.  I have all sorts of possibilities.  But being so driven to pay off my mortgage is keeping me going to work each day.  

**

Woke up to the dog wedged in right next me.  She must have snuck in so stealthily because I didn't even wake until later.  She doesn't do this often, but when she does a lot of times I'm sick.  Or she's sick.  Hopefully she was just feeling snuggly.  She had gotten drenched right before bed and was annoyed when I tried to dry her off but really annoyed with being wet, and she probably stayed a bit chilled.  

It's supposed to stop raining for a bit today so hopefully after my event I'll be inspired to spend some time in the front yard.  I noticed quite a lot of trash that I need to pick up, and weeds to pull.  There's a very large event taking place later this week in which people jam up my neighborhood with parking.  Lots of people walking, I do not want them to think it's appropriate to just drop trash.  I do definitely get annoyed with the trash situation and am super grateful for two older women who cruise the neighborhood with a bucket and picker-upper, which usually keeps the trash pretty much under control.   The trash and parking for events are in the negatives column for this house, but nothing is perfect.  Someday I will tire of it all.  

Need to finish my coffee, weigh myself (it's unlikely to be good news today), get dressed, and head out with the dog to walk, then come back and get ready and load up my car and get ready for other person to come with their car to fill it up also, and then we'll go do our things.  It'll be nice to hopefully finish tasks for the next stage.   

My eyes are super dry, glands probably blocked.  Need to apply heat to unblock.  It's just an annoying thing to do regularly, I find.  I look forward to when I'm not spending so much time staring at a screen for work.

Unfortunately scale news is even worse than expected - says I gained 1.2 pounds last week.  It's likely nuts.  I got a big bag of "fancy" nuts from Costco with 40 servings and they will be all gone in about two weeks probably, which is about three servings per day, which is a lot of extra calories.  I just can't seem to stop myself, and in the grand scheme of things, nuts are healthier than other things I could be binging on, so I'm just riding the wave and when they're gone, they're gone, and in the future I'll get less tasty nuts (such as raw almonds) and eat them much more gradually.  It is alarming to me that my will power around food seems entirely gone since giving up ultraprocessed foods - like I have zero immunity at all.  I'm hoping that goes away.  But just like I can't buy a bag of potato chips without eating them all within two days, i can't buy a big bag of nuts.  Sigh.  I did also eat ice cream once this past week (favorite ice cream parlour had a special), but otherwise I stuck to the plan pretty much as I recall, so I do think it's the nuts.  I mean, I think it's like 170 calories per serving, so eating 3 servings per day puts me at about 3570 calories for the week which is a pound.  So, yeah.  Not making weight loss choices right now.  But they sure taste good. 

OK, get dressed, jump start truck, walk dog, load car, shower, get dressed, do volunteer things, weed and clean up front yard.  I need some momentum.   

I didn't leave my house today

 It's Friday, and I didn't leave my house today.  I didn't even go into the backyard, despite my dog's best efforts to get me out there.

This can be the beginning of a depression, withdrawal.  I sure hope it's not.  

**

And now it's Saturday.  I got up about 8 am, made coffee, and then organized my deep freezer.  It's still got a lot of frozen fruit (included quite a lot dehydrated plums and pears and apples) that I get to indulge in.  These strawberries are fire and I do like to just eat them thawed plain, maybe with some yogurt.  They've got a little tartness and deep sweetness.  So good.  Not what you get at a chain grocery store for sure, they're picked at peak sweetness and then I swoop in and clean and freeze them immediately, within hours of being picked.  They're So. Good.  Surprised I still have 7 bags left, but I think I've been focusing on other seasonal fruits.  There are two boxes of butter, two loaves of sourdough, and a lot of vegetables that will have a short freezer life because I just chop and throw them in - cabbage, green beans, etc.  Also turnip greens and zucchini (lots of zucchini), and more.  Two things of meat that I picked up on sale (stew meat and turkey sausage).  But most everything in there is me processed.  

I've been itching for more greens, was obsessed thinking about chard last night.  Yes, I eat greens regularly - just yesterday I had some kale in a coconut curry I'd thawed from last month or so (it was good, and a pint mason jar with headspace is about the right amount because it's rich).  today I'll make minestrone with watercress.  But yes, I can for sure eat more greens.  

Back to my regularly scheduled program of eating what I have, I popped a box of tofu into the freezer - I do sure like the texture when I freeze it, that great chewy texture.  I'll roast it with winter squash with a nice glaze.   

The other thing I'm craving is beets, and that stew meat makes me think I'll be getting some beets and potatoes for borscht soon.  Here's the thing: I've got leaf miners BAD.  They make beets and chard look super unappetizing when I grow them.  I could get nematodes and take various other drastic action, but I think that these are two things that I will support local growers with.   

There is a dish called blitva from Croatia, with heaps of chard and potatoes and tons of garlic.  I've only ever made it myself from a recipe I found when I had a ton of chard to use, and I love it.  But I really want to eat it like it's authentically made, so I've been thinking for years about spending a week in Croatia to eat blitva every day in different places.  Also Croatia has lots of other tasty food to eat, a lot of healthy fresh things which is my jam.  And so last night as I was kind of obsessing about it, I stumbled upon a chard festival!  It's an annual event in Podgora, Croatia, in October.  It's hard to get a lot of information about but i think it's just some small town small event with a few fun things like chard ice cream and such, but now I'm adding this to my bucket list.  The only chard festival in the world, reportedly, and I want to be there for that!  

There aren't a ton of places on my bucket list left because I've been to so many, but they are kind of food focused.  I want to go to Japan, especially to try authentic okonomiyaki (cabbage pancakes).  I want to go to Iceland for the wild science but also to try their dried fish jerky.  Croatia for chard.  

Some day, when there is no more dog, I will travel.  Until then, I'll do my best replicating foods I've never had authentic versions of.  

Anyway, I know that I'm overspent on food budget, but I want to go to the farmers market and see what's hopping and good.  I'm ok with overspending on food when it's fresh and healthy and supporting local growers.  And I need to swing by the library to pick up a new book, and get a few grocery things like fresh ginger.  It's raining but I would sure like to bike.  Maybe there will be a break in the rain soon and I can take waterproof bag for the book.   

I'm currently reading The True True Story of Raja the Gullible (and His Mother) and it is really good but I'm not able to read it quickly.  It takes place over decades in Lebanon, and I just stopped with the banking crisis of 2018 with some real concern that something like that will be happening here because of our current excruciating level of corruption and greed, so I had to read more about that situation.  I remember about the civil war because I had a penpal there, Dina, and she would tell me about things like her apartment building being bombed.  What I realize through knowing people who've been through horrible things, and also because of how we're responding to what is happening now here, is that it's like frogs in a pot of water slowly heating - we work so hard to maintain our equilibrium, whatever normalcy we can.  We have to, or we go mad.  

Anyway, the National Book Awards are great - their choices are definitely my sensibility of what I want to read.  I may read through some of their past winners and see if that's always been.  In a book group I was in, we read some Booker Mann Prize (or something like that) books and they were HORRIBLE.  Pretentious and boring, we hated one so much we destroyed the books and made projects with the pages.  But Raja the Gullible and the non-fiction winner ONe Day, Everyone Will Have Always Been Against This are both fantastic.  

It's a long weekend for me, and if it's rainy I get to stay indoors and read.  even if it's not rainy I can.  Tomorrow I have an event for a few hours, and it will be a good social thing, to balance an otherwise chill weekend.  Pick up the quilt again, hopefully, and make some good progress.  Maybe clean the garage?  That won't take long, tbh.  I keep it pretty tidy.  

It just takes me time to cleanse my palate from work at the end of each week because it's so unpleasant.  People really do not appreciate me enough.  I need to stop working so hard for such a lack of gratitude.  I need to be more selfish, but I just don't even know how.  I may need to get burned harder first.  I did completely empty my email inbox which is kind of an accomplishment but it also made me feel really weird, so maybe that shouldn't be a goal for me. 

OK, looks like a break in the rain, enough hopefully for the 40 minutes or so that I need to bike and do my errands.  I'll wear a raincoat, and if I get wet oh well, I have a waterproof bag for the book.  I'll be fine.  I'm taking cash to limit my spending, and to not have the vendors pay credit card fees.  I don't know what I'll find, maybe I'll buy nothing, but I definitely need to get out after yesterday's no fresh air.  

Side note on the dog: she's been clearing her throat more lately.  I'm wondering if the lump I felt is going to limit her throat.  That's wild because one of my dearest friends is recovering from stage 3 throat cancer right now.  Knowing what she's going through, I would never put my elderly dog through that (though of course I want my friend to live forever because she's amazing).  It's just hard to imagine my dog being really sick because she's doing zoomies and jumping around like a damn puppy.  She sleeps more than she used to, maybe, though she's always slept a lot.  But ever since putting her on the cosequin to reduce her joint pain, I see zero health issues except her usual stomach upset when she eats stupid things or is stressed.  She lives hard, loves hard - she body slams the world.  And my ardent hope is that she feels this good until suddenly she doesn't and then she passes gently in her sleep.  But I'll have to handle whatever happens so that she can pass with dignity and love.  She's a very good dog, in her own way.  

OK, need to go before I talk myself out of it.  

time

 In my job, we have to record how our time is spent, which project to bill to.  When I started, some people said it was hard to meet the required hours, so i've been diligent about recording my time from the get-go.  Plus, I've worked a lot of extra hours.  So I've always been well over the minimum required.  But I was in a conversation about that requirement, and it got me thinking, so I did some math. 

If I take out all the days that I'm not working (or shouldn't be), the holidays, vacation time earned, maybe a couple of sick days ... I have to record 7.3 hours to a particular project Every Single Workday.  That is nuts.  I work 8-5, and I'm supposed to have an hour lunch and two fifteen minute breaks each day (none of which do I ever actually take BUT I SHOULD), which means if I'm working a full-time day without any other break, I record 7.5 hours.  What about when I want to catch up with a coworker about a not work related conversation?  Or have a doctor's appointment, or take a long lunch?  Every staff meeting or IT lesson or other task that is required which can't be recorded to a project - it all means that I have to work more than an 8 hour day to make up the time.  And of course I don't earn any overtime, I'm salary.  And it's not easy work - it's often really demanding, incredibly mentally taxing - probably the hardest job I've ever done.  

Look, I make good money.  I'm making 3.5 times what I was making in New Orleans, far more than I've ever made before (which is all going to paying off a far too expensive mortgage).  I know I shouldn't bitch.  BUT ... this forcing of long workweeks is tough, I'll be honest.  Recording 7.3 hours per day of work sounds easy peasy, but it's a grind.  If I record 7.3 hours, then I have to actually work considerably more.  When I started, I didn't understand why everyone just locks themselves in their offices and works works works works.  It's the protestant work ethic at its worst - isolating, exhausting.  I was coming from New Orleans where much of our day was spent in conversation with each other.  I'm not an extrovert but I learned the values of community in Louisiana, so coming here was shocking.  

And of course what's funny is that this is coming to light when I'm actually NOT crazy busy.  I engineered into my calendar a little bit of a slow patch after a big project, and things will kick up again soon but I know now to try to give myself a little recovery time, not just bam bam bam.  And having that time means I can see how crazy being a wage slave is.  To have so little control over my time is draining.   

And now another workday begins.   

simmer

So, my body has taken a different tact with insomnia.  Instead of making me lay awake until 4 am stewing over nonsense, I wake up early.  This morning, 5 am.  I was asleep maybe at 11:30 pm, but 6.5 hours made me wide awake.  

I stopped getting up early a couple of years ago when the neighbor asked me to stop letting the dog out so early because she wakes them with barking.  Fair.  So instead of fighting the dog who HAS TO GO OUT immediately upon my waking, I've been sleeping later, going to bed later.  And now the dog is older and sleeps longer, and she's adjusted to this schedule, so she sleeps late.  Unless there's an emergency waking me in the night, she stays in bed long after I'm up now.  

So this morning when I woke up, all I could think of was all the people are annoying me.  So many people annoying me.  Needing to change gears, I decided to cook this morning.  I want to be cooking a big pot of black beans to eat on the whole wheat tortillas I've got in the fridge needing to get used up, with the half full jar of salsa I pulled from the freezer.  But I've already got too many thawing meals needing to be eaten today and tomorrow, so what else?

And now there is millet in milk simmering on my stovetop, and I'm perched at the kitchen table to ensure it's not boiling over because the correct size pot is dirty and I'm trying a small one.  I love this cake, with very little sugar but a lot of berries, some almonds, millet, milk, and eggs.  Once the millet cooks I have to let it cool, then I may still have time to bake the cake before my workday starts.  Usually I don't eat sugar before noon, but I might allow myself a slice of this since it's not much (2 T of sugar for about 10 servings = 2.5 grams of sugar per serving).  That's what getting up early looks like, not straggling into the kitchen for coffee five minutes before I'm supposed to be logged in and working.  Though since I finished my one cup of coffee before 6 am, I may want another.  Or maybe some green tea.  Oh, that's a good idea, I got out of the habit of green tea.  

There is a wonderful dessert from Senegal called thiakry, which I would eat all day every day if I could.  I haven't been to Senegal since 2006, and I still dream of it.  I think the orange blossom essence that the woman I lived with is what pushed it over the edge for me.  So. Good.  I'm sure it has too much sugar in it, and if I tinker with it as I do to reduce that, it wouldn't taste so good.  So I'll just keep dreaming of it.   

Early in this whole foods journey, I leaned heavy into chia pudding.  Milk, chia seeds, cocoa powder, vanilla, berries/fruit.  Boom.  Dessert.  With no added sugar.  

But then I started having intestinal distress when I'd eat it, so I cut back. It's been a minute.  But I made some up last night to enjoy today.  Some healthy desserts in my fridge to keep me on the path.  

Mm, I love the smell of cooking milk like this with the millet.  So good.  Got the pan to just the right simmer temperature today.  Oh, just finished.  Tried a bit, and honestly I think I should just try the thiakry with low sugar, as that orange blossom essence might still be the magic.  

Need to also simmer on my anger.  People saying stupid shit, not doing their jobs, trying to make me do more work, no thank you.  No responding today.  Let it ride and go away.  

Do want to bike in to the office today after morning remote meetings; time to get out of the house, and I need to go to the library.  New book ready for me, and some to return.  If books aren't grabbing me in the first chapter, I'm just returning them.  I ain't got time for shit I don't like.  

Very excited for a three-day weekend.  I hope to get some yard work done though it's calling for rain.  Move some mulch, get the plants I just got into the ground.  Also, I picked up a compost bin for free which is a big barrel that tumbles.  That thing was fucking heavy and hard to pickup and move, but I finally dragged it where I want it and now I need to just fill it up with some various compostables.  I've got a kitchen waste bin going and piles of leaves, so mix and make compost.  I now have four different types of compost bins and I should figure out my system.  There is the Aerobin that I bought on Marketplace, which isn't delivering as promised.  There's the typical black plastic on metal legs with two sections that I got for free, and now the massive barrel tumbler.  Plus the pallets that I tied together and dumped leaves into.  So, yeah.  Maybe time to work out and implement my system. 

Most of my chores are finally done from feeling crappy all weekend.  So glad I'm feeling better.  But I do need to focus back onto the quilt and getting some more of that done.  My job is on a little bit of a slow spot right now, though I'm pretty sure I'll be asked to cover for people.  We are always down so many people and then we all have to cover, and it's a lot.  Seems like it should be a company problem, but instead it becomes a personal problem and I have to work a lot of unpaid overtime to handle things.  But I need to enjoy this brief moment in time when I'm not crazy busy.  Catch up on things, empty my email inbox, organize my office, dig into projects I've been putting off for ages.  And also, work less.  I don't have to keep working 10 hour days.  It should even out with the slow times, when maybe I only work six hours because maybe i actually take a lunch break, maybe even a long one, and go to doctor appointments and stuff.  Maybe I get off my computer before 5 pm some days even, to make up for all the times I have to stay locked to it much later.  Well, I'll try.  It can be hard for me.  Like, really hard.   

 

leftovers

Surprisingly, I am thoroughly enjoying eating my way through my freezer.  Today I had red beans (which for the previous servings I ate with cornbread, but it was fine just beans) and squash greens casserole, and it was all good.  Oh, and some cherry chocolate cake that I carefully froze in about 8 g sugar servings.  Last piece.  Intend to make more sooner than later.  Tomorrow I'll have lentil barley stew and probably salmon with fava bean pesto, and then the next day (just took it out of the freezer) some squash curry.  I'm still seeing containers of things like cornbread casserole, which I won't hate eating.  First the easy things down, like these frozen meals.  Then I'll start scrounging ingredients again.  I have some pistachios that I bought on sale and promptly froze; those will go into something good for sure.  Also been eating down the snacks - the no added sugar cocoa energy balls, the dehydrated cucumber chips, the beet muffins (which are tbh considerably better thawed than they were fresh).  Pulled out tomato sauce to make minestrone soon, I have turnips and watercress in my fridge to use up with that, and I have squash and green beans frozen also ready.  

This whole planning and then enjoying thing - I'm here for it.  Was it ants in the parable who did all this, unlike the cricket who was playing?  Yep, I'm an ant.  

Other ant things I'm enjoying - finding things.  The nozzle on my Berkey water filter seemed to be leaking, so I took it apart and cleaned it, and I was going to reinstall it but then I remembered that I actually had purchased a stainless steel nozzle some time ago when it was on sale and I was getting filters or something else.  So I walked out to the garage, and I was a little nervous because I haven't been able to find some things I know for certain I had, but I immediately found the box with the nozzle inside, and boom, done.  

To be able to save for a rainy day, and plan, and be ready to execute - it's a special kind of pleasure.  Maybe everyone doesn't feel it, but I sure do.  I'll feel excited when I pull out my planting gear soon, the little greenhouse trays, the planting soil I bought on clearance at the end of last year.   

I like to plan and prepare and have it make my life easier.  I grew up on a remote island so these skills I've got on lock.  Yes, we had to order our canned goods for the twice yearly barge.  Yes, we had to order Christmas presents by September for Sears and Roebuck to not run out and to actually mail to us.  

For most of my adult life though, I haven't really been able to do this properly because I've moved so often.  Staying here in this house for coming up on three years is one of the longest places I've lived.  My first house I owned for two years and two days, selling it luckily in that timeframe (to avoid capital gains).  I've sold other houses after owning well less than two years - intending to stay longer, but then not.  But here I am, organized AF.  I know where my shit is.  I hung all my handtools on the wall because I was so tired of rooting around in toolboxes, and I have zero regrets.  Last night I decided to make yogurt to ferment overnight, and in the dark I was able to walk out to the laundry room, open the cabinet, and know exactly where the little cooler is that I use for that purpose.  

Sure, would it just be easier to buy yogurt?  To hire a handyman to do my chores for me?  Maybe.  Maybe not.  I like doing things for myself.  

And my leftovers, to be honest, taste better than almost any meals I can buy here.  So maybe this will help me to stop spending money, since I've already overspent my food budget (spent $184 and it's only the 10th of the month).  

Buckle down.  I've got more saving to do, and using up what I already have is a great step in that process.   

another lump on the dog

 The dog has been developing lumps, one large and some small.  And now I'm feeling one around her thyroid.  

I feel torn in an ethical dilemma because she so hates veterinary care.  If she has cancer, am I going to drag her against her will for surgery and radiation and chemotherapy?  Make her ill and upset?  Or let her live out her life without that stress?  She's more than 11 years old, been with me about 10.5 and was full size when I got her (we thought she was young because she's small for a Catahoula and because she was such an asshole like a teenage dog, but time has shown that she's not getting bigger and she's not chilling, like at all, so she's probably nearer to 12 years old).  

Is my obligation to provide all possible veterinary care to her, to possibly extend her life?  Is that what I signed up for those many years ago?

I don't think so.  She got regular veterinary care for all her life until last year when she bit the vet.  She was fine with the vet the first few years of her life (really liked him in fact), and he helped me through the rough patches - her heartworm treatment (it's the pits), when she bit someone and needed health clearance, etc.  He's very old school (he's been working there since 1967!) but we both trusted him fully.  And it's been downhill ever since, and now she hates veterinary care with blind rage.   

The official lifespan for Catahoulas is 10-14 years, so we're already in range.  She came to me from the streets of New Orleans where she was picked up after running away or being abandoned.  So I don't want to have a savior complex, and things haven't been perfect, but she could have had a way worse life.  

And when she dies, I will be devastated, because she takes up so much of my life.  Everything will feel empty for a long time.  but that doesn't mean I should try every mean to keep her alive longer.  I want quality of life over quantity - for me and for her.  My hope is that she passes peacefully in her sleep, but the point at which she's suffering, there are mobile vets who can come to the home to put dogs down. I'd rather do it myself than have a stranger in her airspace (not her favorite thing) at the end, but at least I'll be there with her, in a place where she feels safe.  Anesthesia runs its own risks especially in older pets, and I don't want her to die on an operating table, having been tortured (her feeling about it, not objectively true) by strangers with sedation. 

I just keep doubting myself, and the new lump started a new round of doubt.  But I think this is the most ethical path, or at least one that I can live with.